₦airaland Forum

must say miss canyon i like ur attitude, but settle down relax and feel free,
, and where in d crrbeans do u come from,

wonderful jokes men,
keep up d good work

for gaby

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

admited, sam's jokes were good but now am beginning to think otherwise,
and bout my 70+ posts (no comments) lol
, and bout me trying to grab your attention , how pathetic,
i should think u of all peeps should understand the elements of criticism, dear Mr Milla

diamonleda is thinkin, really hard, and has finally come to d conclusion of leavin nairaland,

well we prefer quality not useless quantity cbase,

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN NAIRALAND!!!!!!!!!!!! :'

NO MORE ORIGINAL JOKES OR EVEN BORROWED ONES DAT ARE FUNNY, I KNOW WAT AM A DO, WAIT FOR ME

well leaders shall lead, and odas shall be led, and we shall pave new paths lol

and dont get me wrong i do respect ur stand,

so tufe who are you nominating lol

**Diamonleda is shaking his head, and weeping**
and now he is thinking wat d hell was sam thinkin posting dis joke, i can tell its original cos dear sam u tried so hard, but as a moderator of the joke section i dont think u shud be postin useless garbage like dis (nothin personal) , but rite now i dont believe u have enuff sense of humour to be d moderator of dis section, i am personally writing to all nairalanders to begin to nominate a new moderator,

My Personal Favourite is Clemcykul,

begin nominating NOW!!!!!

even u can nominate too, Sam, hahahahahaha

or sam, screw all dis, all u have to do is look down ur pants, cosm sure ur 3 years old

clemcykul:
na now sef i read the joke

i must confess very ;Dhilarious

hi there madame clemcykul, i don finally capture ur pretty attention, so m a man of few words as u can see from d joke, i go straight to the point,
my dear clem are u free on friday night??

lexicon:
look very well , you will see Iroko tree there

iroko my dear sister, nah very big tree, if u see dat one on d road den, you betta start packin ur panties, and running,

SAM MILLA:
no comment

ah, hello master milla, see i have attracted ur attention eh??

chioya:
is that what u wish your sef

oh no Almighty forbid it, dis sha is my friends marital crisis,

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

**********************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

well patience nah virtue,

BLIND DATE

Joe took his blind date, who he found out was very pretty cute and had all the accessories a guy wud want (physically) so they went to the carnival.

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

and untop of dat shes priceless,

There was a semi driver,drivin down an old country while it was rainin outside.All of a sudden his truck brakes down,so he goes to look for the nearest house to use a phone.Before knocking on the door he peers inside,and he sees a old lady in a rocking chair squeezing her titties and and old man standing infront of her holding an umbrella jacking off.The truck driver decides not to disturb them and goes to the next house.He looks in and sees a young woman.So he says’’ok’’.Well, he knocks and she answers the door,he says’’may i use your phone?my truck is broke down and its raining,i was gonna use your neighbors phone but they seemed to be busy.’’The lady then asks’’oh really?what where they doing?’’So he then tells her, She says’’Oh! thats the old deaf couple,she was telling her husband to go milk the cows,and the man was telling her,Bleep you its raining’’

and my dear sunje, the face similar to ur own,

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin



A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was, God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Two girls were bathing together. So one girl asked her mate, "How come you have very little pubic hair on your p*ssy?" The other girl replied with this question, "Hey, have you ever seen tall grass on a busy road?"

God knows i try, but some peeps refuse to be enlightened, God ko understand,
but ur welcome sha

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator, "

, and he who decides to dig up old jokes from the acheives and remain stupid, shall surelly stand alone

A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of -factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son… Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The Dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

“Cool, says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men.” the Dad answers, “Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks with bright eyes, picking up the 12 pack.

With a sigh, the Dad replied, “Those are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March…”

the man means dat ur joke, actually d joke u dug up is really old

they problem is, dat i no get ur joke,
and dis is because, i be warri man, who never has left warri boarders
so how can i understand english joke,
u find in ur heart to pardon my ignorance?
and for people whey dey lik me try to convert dis joke to local level, i mean make it to be about naija sweets or chop like cabin buiscuit and golden morn, or u can try dish like egusi and etc

please forgiv me and consider my advice,