₦airaland Forum

@190: pls b serious am not joking. I mean what i posted. I de beg u dont derail dis thread.

Good day 2 u all. Pls i need d help or advice from people on dis forum. My problem is that for 26 yrs i ve not dated or had any girlfriend. This is not good 4 me cos i expect 2 settle down ones i hit 30yrs. Am 26 yrs now currently doing my masters at uniport. This may sound very embarrassing or true 2 believ but dat's d truth. I find it difficult approaching ladies talk more of asking them out. I ve read some tips from google but stil d courag 2 do dis is not dr. I tend 2 stiff my face when am doing anything wit ladies. Pls help i dont want my parents 2 assist me find a lady. I want to do it on my own. I want a lady i can treat as my sister, friend aswell my girlfriend/wife. Am waiting 4 ur advice

Last week Obasanjo called the members of the Federal House of Assembly rogues and arm robbers. Here is an excerpt of the report by the Nigerian Tribune of how our law makers connive to loot our treasury.

As the war of words between former President Olusegun Obasanjo and the National Assembly subsides, shocking revelations have emerged on how members of the National Assembly, allegedly hijacked federal contracts and had been holding the executive hostage in the budgetary process.

Investigations in the last two weeks showed that most contracts in federal ministries were executed by cronies of lawmakers or their agents so nominated with the ministers and top civil servants under alleged compulsion to play along or risk being subjected to probe and public hearing by the National Assembly.

Our correspondent, who checked through various ministries and agencies discovered that the lawmakers appeared to have perfected their art so well that in the last 10 years, the practice had become almost accepted by the public service with some leading civil servants said to be colluding with the lawmakers.

Contrary to public perceptions about their jumbo pay and allowances, many lawmakers had become multibillionaires from their alleged access to mega million contracts and supplies across the ministries and agencies where their slots are assigned and handled by their trusted aides and agents.

While the top hierarchy of the two chambers were said to be insulated from the practice, investigations showed that chairmen of committees and their members allegedly enforced the protection of access to juicy contracts through their oversight activities which was discovered to be a cover to allegedly pile pressure on ministers and ministries that were falling out of lines.

Many top civil servants, who talked on the condition of anonymity, explained how the scheme worked in detail even as they admitted that it had become a deal between many in the executive and the legislative arms, noting that “lawmakers regard access to a percentage of ministry‘s contract as a right.

“The deal commences long before the budget is passed into law. In some cases, the lawmakers sponsored inclusion of projects when the ministries are preparing their budgets. The location is, at times, included with the cost running into millions of naira,” a reliable source alleged.

According to him, once the budget proposals are defended and adopted by the Budget Office, the lawmakers take over the push for approval through the legislative process especially as the statutory committees of the National Assembly are sub committees of the Appropriation committees of the two chambers of the National Assembly.

The sub-committees, it was gathered, protected their turf during the budget processing, while also holding countless closed-door meetings with civil servants and ministers with the subject said to be the striking of understanding as to how the ministries budget would be handled after the final passage of the budget.

Further investigations revealed that where the lawmakers did not propose any project in the budget of the ministries, their slots in the contract allocations are secured and protected through the tender process.

The sources across the ministries also gave details on how the lawmakers allegedly submitted company names which are forwarded to the head of the ministries with a view to ensuring their pre-qualifications and eventual award of contracts, despite the widely publicised public procurement processes.

“Their company names are shortlisted, prequalified and eventually asked to submit bids. Their bids win no matter what others quoted. So they get the jobs, especially as the political head is always scared of failing to meet the lawmakers’ demands,” a well placed source said.

A check at a ‘juicy’ federal agency showed the extent of the hold of the lawmakers on contracts with the head of procurement saying that those nationwide projects across the country were meant for the members of the National Assembly.

“Those projects are earmarked for the lawmakers. That has been the practice because they are closer to the local governments, where the projects are to be cited,“the source allegedly.

In another agency, three lawmakers were actually around to follow up their jobs, while the head of the agency was said to be fully ready to offer all needed support for the lawmakers.

A top federal civil servant recently told the chief executives of the companies that they should link up with lawmakers if they were serious about getting the job they bidded for, asserting that the procurement process could not guarantee their securing the said contracts.

It was learnt that some first rated ministries and agencies had even devised a standard sharing formula which allocate the contracts of the ministry or department to various interest groups with the lawmakers‘ share prominently marked as compulsory.
http://tribune.com.ng/sat/index.php/front-page-articles/7481-how-lawmakers-hijacked-federal-contracts.html

As for me i think the worst governor should be chief martin elechi. The man has totally erase all d achievement made by sam egwu. *no drinking water* poor road* he's even trying to kill d rice mill industry in d state.* d poverty rate has doubled.

The Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) has been moving back and forth over the cashless banking policy it initiated to ease the pressures on cash transactions in the banks across the country. The most recent of such policy inconsistency was the announcement at the end of the 307th edition of the Bankers Committee that took place in Lagos last week that the nationwide implementation of the policy will now take effect from July 1. This is against the earlier date of December 31, this year.

The decision to fast-track the implementation, Mr. Philip Oduoza, Group Managing Director, United Bank for Africa (UBA) Plc said on behalf of the Bankers Committee, was informed by what he called the “success of the Lagos pilot experiment” which began on January 1, this year. He said the Bankers Committee was “satisfied” with the Lagos experiment and therefore agreed that July 1, would be the ideal take off date, nationwide. However, there are hints that CBN would try a phased approach, in which case, the implementation will start in commercial cities with high customer traffic. Cities suggested include Abuja, Port Harcourt, Aba, Onitsha, Nnewi and Kano.

We however, disagree with the Bankers Committee that the Lagos pilot experiment was a ‘huge success’. On the contrary, many banks and customers in Lagos have complained of operational hiccups. Some customers insist that no adequate enlightenment has been done to carry customers through the process, leaving many customers short on the details of the ‘dividends’ of the scheme, as many human-induced problems persist. These include frequent exemptions of target groups to be affected by the policy.

We recall some of the inconsistencies in the policy. When it was rolled out last year, the apex bank pegged daily cash withdrawal for individuals and corporate bodies at N150,000 and N1 million, respectively, and fixed the initial take-off date nationwide for June 2012. Few weeks later, the CBN altered the cash withdrawal and deposit limits, saying it discovered that some changes have become necessary. Consequently, it fixed cumulative daily cash withdrawal/deposit at N500,000, for individuals, and N3 million for corporate accounts.

Though the CBN as the main regulator of the banking sector is at liberty to make changes in any monetary policy it deems necessary for the good of the economy, any policy inconsistency suggests that a particular plan is not well thought-out, or was indeed, rushed through. We think that is the case with the cashless policy. The CBN has made many detours on the same issue, leaving customers apparently confused and ill-prepared to continue on the journey.
We believe that the cashless policy was packaged in a haste, even though the benefits could be salutary to customers, the banks and the economy. Since the policy took off in Lagos, there has not been unanimity of opinion as to its efficiency. Even banks staff are fretting that the policy might result in lay-offs. That worry is only part of the larger operational concerns in the Lagos area.

We are not disproving that the cashless policy is not a noble monetary plan that could help ease the current pressure on the increasing dominance of cash transactions in our economy. As we have argued earlier when the policy commenced in Lagos, it is one thing to borrow a good idea, but the success of such an idea must take into cognizance the peculiar economic environment of the country and the citizens’ response to the policy in question.

Our position remains that enough groundwork has not been done to warrant full implementation of the policy nationwide, from July 1, 2012. Our country, and even the banks, are not totally networked to run a seamless cashless economy. Therefore, trying to force through the policy as the CBN and the bank CEOs are trying to do, amounts to forcing a toddler to walk without making sure he is not crippled. T here is still need to reappraise the policy before rolling it out, nationwide.

http://sunnewsonline.com/webpages/opinion/editorial/2012/may/16/editorial-16-05-2012-001.html

Since the policy took off in Lagos, there has not been unanimity of opinion as to its efficiency. Even banks staff are fretting that the policy might result in lay-offs. That worry is only part of the larger operational concerns in the Lagos area.
Hm! While am not against this policy my concern lies on its implication on the job sector. Banks nowadays are just looking for means to cut cost(am not against that but what of the job sector especially with this difficult period). This is a programme that was scheduled to commence by December now they moved it forward to July. Naija I Hail Thee.

Good day all. Pls I urgently need your assistant. Recently I applied for a graduate programme in Uniport (specifically linguistic and communication dept). My problem is that i dont know how long it takes for one to complete his or her programme in that school. I intend doing this within a period of 2 years. Pls if there is any body in the house that knows better, ur candid advice will be appreciated. thanks to u all.

An aboki went 4 a job onyerview as a gateman in a bog firm. Boss: Name pls?
Man:Suleiman.
Boss: Sex?
Man: 2 - 5 times wkly
Boss: no, no ... I mean, male or female?
Man: kai, i do am 4 both male & female & sumtyms wit female camels.
Boss: Holy cow!
Man: i done do am 4 cow, but walahi na only twice.
Boss:isn't dat bad nd hostile?
Man:Horse style,doggy style,i do am 4 any style.
Boss:Oh dear!
Man: no deer, kai deer i run 2 fast!
Godmonin dis monin 2 u all!

he Football Association has confirmed that the England manager, Fabio Capello, has resigned.

Capello quit after an hour-long meeting with the FA chairman, David Bernstein, and the general secretary, Alex Horne, at Wembley Stadium, the association said in a statement on its website.

Their discussions centred on Capello's comments in an Italian media interview on the FA board's decision to sack John Terry as the England captain.

Capello resignation was accepted and he will leave the post of England manager with immediate effect.

Bernstein said: "I would like to stress that during today's meeting and throughout his time as England Manager, Fabio has conducted himself in an extremely professional manner. We have accepted Fabio's resignation, agreeing this is the right decision. We would like to thank Fabio for his work with the England team and wish him every success in the future."

The FA will hold a news conference with Bernstein and the England management team at Wembley on Thursday.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2012/feb/08/fabio-capello-resigns-manager-england

sometimes i wonder whats in europe dat we dont have here in 9ja, abeg make una help me check am o 1. Dey have CNN, We have channels tv. 2. Dey have oxford and cambridge , we have UNN, OAU and UI. 3. Dey have usher raymond , we have psquare 4. Dey have oprah winfrey , we have MO 5. Dey have chris tucker, we have Basket mouth. 6. Dey have lady gaga , we have goldie 7. Dey have Angelina jolie, we have Genevieve. 8. Dey have lil wayne , We have terry G 9. Dey have 2pac, we have 2face. Dey have white house, We have aso rock. , dey have obama , we have jonathan. Dey have osama bin laden, we have zakari biu. Dey whizkhalifa, we have whizkid. Dey have djkhalid, we have dj jimmy jatt. magicfingers dey fear Alquaeda, we fear bokoharm. haba enough 4 dis craze to abroad. jsk joking. Anyway way what do u guys thinks.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Religious-Jokes/Your-Daughter-is-Pregnant.html

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear,

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."

http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Dirty-Jokes/Poor-guy.html

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Dirty-Jokes/Poor-guy.html

Boko haram cursed by Bishop Oyedepo? Are they not yet cursed by d hostile environment in our country nigeria notably high level poverty, lack of quality education, self centered and corrupt politician. High rate of unemployment 4 both d graduate and d almajiris. No amount of curse is greater than the above.

A pastor was joining two gays in marriage but didn't know how to pronounce them Husband and Wife. He thought about it for a while and yelled "I now pronounce you Man United!

I just saw dark smoke emanating from my office close to RMAFC (Revenue Mobilization, Allocation and Fiscal and commission). AIT just confirmed it.

There is rumour of bomb blast in Abuja today 15/6/2011. I'm not yet sure but the rumour is strong. Pls if u ve picture pls post.

RIP Sir! Your good deeds can never be forgotten. Adieu!!!

Some of U may be wondering why I selected this topic. Well I use to think that some of us were born differently in a unique way and I still do. But since the lady gaga madness started my perception changed. While some were born with unique character (including Lady G), our attitudes, believes or certain decisions tend to isolate us as being wierdo. Imagine U puttting on a cloth made of dairy material, carried in a casket in egg shape, high-hill shoe which to me is unusual etc . As for me I think she is possessed by one kind of "ESU" (devil or demon). Wel that's my opinion. What about YOURS!!!
Here is some pixs for u to make your judgment.

Hi my fellow nairalanders. I'm Mike (for privacy i can't declare my full name) by name and I need your help urgently. I had this opportunity of doing my M.Sc degree in Mass communication in US (scholarship format by EBSU University through ETF fund). My problems are:
1. What are the procedures to take (as visa, exams etc)?
2. What are the requisite documents, particulars needed?
3. If the above was successful how do I pay the school fees? Is it through wester union, wiring, or any (Ps help me out).

N/B: I'm still searching for the University that offers M.Sc in Mass communication. For now I know 2 that offers degree in mass communication (In california and oklahoma) but not sure of M.Sc. I'm a novice in this field i need your help urgently.

While its good not to force one to get committed we should forget about d future implication of our present action. What if d girl decides to call it quit. Have u guys considered d psychological implication? Have faith u may say but for how long. Have u bothered to ask about d age of d young man who may in future turn into an "old man". Well this may sound odd but then the future and psychological cost should be considered.

Hi nairalanders i just want to get ur view on distance relationship. Is it okay for one to engage in distance relationship even if u have not seen d face of d person. I give u an example. When Glo network started their chatting stuff i was fortunate to connect to this lady. For 4 yrs we ve been communicating but i ve not seen her face 2 face. She stays in Abuja. I don't know if its right for me to continue or abandon it and move on with my life. If every things work out fine i may travel to see her. But come to think of it. what if she turns out to be something else (i.e she's nt beautiful, crippled etc) will u continue with it. I need ur reply. Thanks

JOS IN 9JA'S MOST EXPENSIVE CITY. IT COULD COST YOU YOUR LIFE
\  

Is Port Harcourt the most expensive cities in Nigeria.

Hi LouieK,

Can you send me a copy of the proposal at michaelmikas@yahoo.com?

best regards 2 u.

Which country is your favorite to win this world cup in South Africa. My favorite team is Brazil. As for Nigeria

Arsenal is paying off the loan on the emirate stadium, based on my club's financial plan to repay the loan - No big spending for the next 5 years. I believe in our young players and based on our position, we are not doing badly.
When this young set of players mature, probably within the next 2 seasons, we will be unstoppable.
I believe in WENGER, he is the best coach in England and the world.
LONG LIVE ARSENAL, LONG LIVE GUNNERS FANS,

@denitro. 4 hw long can we continue to wait. The fans are in need of silverware. If nt he shld be shown d way out
@Ifebazz or whatever. Are u here to sympathize with d gunnz or mock us.

@shagamite, agathamari, oyb: U all are anti-christ.

A young man once attended a church service. Before the service started another young but beautiful lady walked into the church and sat beside the him. On sighting the young lady his mood changed. He started looking for a way to exchange pleasantries with the young lady but this couldn't work out cos the lady's displayed a bold face. Then when the service started all attention turned to the church minister (pastor) but not that of the young man even during the meditation period. When it was the official time for congregation to exchange handshakes and hug, the pastor shouted "hold some body, (you know the rest). Unknowing to the young man the young lady had left to another seat and has since been replaced by an old woman. This thing happened during meditation hour so i guess the young man did not know the young lady had left. On hearing the words "hold somebody, ", he immediately grabbed the old lady thinking she was still the young lady. When he eventually opened his eyes, he was shocked to see an old woman . HE SHOUTED JESUS

For those who have contributed on this topic, i sincerely appreciate your contribution. Left for me i will suggest that celibacy in the Catholic church or other religion that still practices it to be made optional. Although i appreciate the reason for adoption of celibacy as criteria to become a priest ( for reference read  Matthew 19:12, Numbers 1:48–53). But St Paul in his teaching while encouraging celibacy did not see it as must for every priest instead this is recommended to all those who can abide by it (Note: If being celibate will encourage adultery then get married). According to him (St Paul), this is not to say, of course, that the married state is bad.  Marriage is a good state when observed properly, but the celibate state is better.  In 1 Cor. 7, St. Paul clearly encouraged celibacy.

1 Corinthians, Chap. 7- “Now concerning the thing whereof you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.  But for fear of fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband… But I speak this by indulgence, not by commandment.  For I would that all men were even as myself [unmarried]: but every one hath his proper gift from God; one after this manner, and another after that. But I say to the unmarried, and to the widows: It is good for them if they so continue, even as I…

But if any man think that he seemeth dishonoured, with regard to his virgin, for that she is above the age, and it must so be: let him do what he will; he sinneth not, if she marry.  For he that hath determined being steadfast in his heart, having no necessity, but having power of his own will; and hath judged this in his heart, to keep his virgin, doth well.  Therefore, both he that giveth his virgin in marriage, doth well; and he that giveth her not, doth better.”
In reaction to the above, celibacy should be made optional for priest or nuns.

Let me remind all the christian  on this forum that it is obvious that the world will soon come to an end.  This is the time for all us (Catholics and Protestants) to pray unrelentlessly. Last two years in Anglican homosexual was ordained a priest, this year it is the turn of the catholic church. This is excluding numerous crimes committed previously under cloak of being a christian. Pray! Pray!! Pray!!!

Again, those in authority in catholic church need to carry out a major reformation in the church. How?
1. Candidates or seminarian intending to be priest should be screened properly to identify their background.
a. There activities in the seminary should be monitored strictly.
2. The church should make their activities more open (although there are improvement already)
3. Women's (nuns alone)  roles in the catholic church should be elevated (although in catholic church today women now give holy communion).
4. On the issue of child molestation, the catholic church should be open to investigation while those found guilty should be punished. (The issue of protecting priest by other priest could be liken to cult activities too). Note: The children  or families affected are also catholics.
5. You suggestions are welcomed.

For critics i am also a catholic (liberal).

I'm a lover of dog and I hope all nairalanders (those interested in anything about dog) will show case their dog's pictures. As for me I love Caucasian dog cos of security purpose (for intruders). Caucasian dog do not joke with their master and therefore they make sure they are protected. For more info you can go to google. If properly socialized, the Caucasian dog could be gentle with your visitors. Here is the pix of the Caucasian dog. Sorry i couldn't find the picture