₦airaland Forum

An Old Lady Writes to Dear Abbey

An old lady was about to get married, but she had a secret she didn't want her future husband to know. So she decided to write a letter to a newspaper. "Dear Abbey," she wrote, "Ben might not marry me if he finds I have bad teeth. How can I keep my secret from him?" In a few days, the answer appeared in the newspaper: "Keep your mouth shut"

The New Salesman

A new sales assistant was hired at a large dept. store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in and said, "Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?" The customer replied, "I guess so. I'll take one." "And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?" "Um, okay." "Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long." "I'll take one of those too." After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "That's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for." Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in and asked, "I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please." "Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?" "Why would I want to do that?" "Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn."

Johns Roommate

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Am I The First

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

ituen:
I also forgot to mention that she tried breaking up my marriage by seducing me. _{thank God i did not fall.}


even the 5yr-old guy that hangs out with her see am for the wedding; _{shout tufia-kwa}

imagine u even know the guy i'm dating. but wait u said u saw him at your unfortunate wedding ceremony, u ought to be happy because he even honored u and ur invitation.

the thing is just that u dont want the nlanders to know u've done a wedding and u dint invite all of us but quite a few.

@ others
forgive ituen for my sake ^{na beg i dey beg}

@tessybaby
god will do better thing. ^{i dey on my knees}

ituen:
Ennyluv,

You have crossed the line. My tessbaby said i shld deal with the matter. Did you forget that you were not invited to the wedding?

Hw did u get the pic. _{you gate crasher}

HAVE U FORGOTTEN THAT U INVITED ME PERSONALLY? ^{AND U TOLD ME NOT TO LET TESSY KNOW}

clemcykul:
@topic & poster ' what do i look like'

a pric*k i guess, prove me wrong

i dont need to prove anything coz na u know wetin u really resemble

tessybaby:
Crooky tell them
i think i will have to post my pics so u all can see the beauty behind this ID and also see why Ituen cannot leave my bedroom _{even when am not around}

all those who want to see my pic put your hands up

dont bother to post your pictures. ^{i don see am before}

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

tessybaby:
ENNYLOVE so u have join that group of people who want to pull me and Ituen apart eh?

JOIN WETIN? I NO JOIN ANY GROUP OOOOOOO
ABEG SOMEONE SAVE MI OOOOOOOO

Migines:
Damn that dude. Dats totally unfair. Besides he should be jailed because not everyone lyks viewing sexual scenes. But, ennyluv. . . Is this 4 real?

TESSYBABY IS AROUND ASK HER, SHES IN THE RIGHT POSITION TO ANSWER. ^{(BUT I SAW THE PIX)}

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at a reputable University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc, Ya gotta love this guy.

saucekid:
@ enny

savings and fixed deposit for starters then if i'm satisfied with the banking service, i go switch to current

U CANT SWITCH WITHOUT MY APPROVAL U KNOW?

saucekid:
*no comment*

^{signals enny***why don't you come to my place l8r so i can "put in"}

LMSBFAO

WHICH ONE: CURRENT OR SAVINGS OR FIXED DEPOSIT

River Deep


One day two kids were wandering around near a stream. One of the boys wandered off near a bush and the other wandered farther down stream. The boy who was wandering down stream started to get lonely, so he went to find his other friend. When he got to the bush were his friend was he saw a naked woman and ran away. The boy that was here for a long time got curios and ran after him and asked, "Why did you run away."

The other boy said, "My mom said that if I were to ever see a naked woman I would turn to stone. Then I felt something get very hard so I ran."

Difference!


What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?

You come in one and you go in the other!

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.

When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."

So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.

The husband says, "I can deal with that."

He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! you are small, but I love you nyway."

The husband says, "I have something to confess also."

She says, "No matter what I will still love you."

He says, "Okay.I am built like a baby down there."

She says, "I can deal with that."

So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.

She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"

He says, "Yeah, 7lbs, 21inches."

Banging and Banking


Sex is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”

So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”

She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the Bleep are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife.

“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

hi ituen, wey you dey,

iwajay:
Enyluv is coming of age.

hello methuselah. how u dey

clemcykul:
ennyluv? do u really have any love if u have contact me via this no 080419-419

U WAN MAKE I TALK?

IS IT because I NO GREE FOR YOU.

(I'VE AGREED NOT TO LET THE HOUSE KNOW ABOUT IT BUT SINCE U MENTIONED IT, I'LL VOICE OUT)

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him ''How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! ''

At this the Texan drawled, ''Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

@ituen
thanks man

thanks for tht. ituen (a friend is a friend indeed)

ituen:
thanks God i have been able to porve my Theory right from the beginning of Enny's jokes

FREEZY AND ENNY HAVE A SPECIAL BOND B/W THEM. No wonder she posted a joke made by freezy

NB: freezy give enny a chance. she cld make a diff in your life

its not your fault, i know its not intentional, if not from those oil u rig, i just pray that u must remember to wear helmet so ur brain wont be rigged

bimbliss:
what was the thing that was broken off or pulled out violently?

ain't u a female?

tell mi do u have IT?

lancaster:
are they having that discussion with madam still under, abi oga no remember

na u we suppose ask that one, i think u dey there when the thing happen.

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."