₦airaland Forum

engrfcuksmtin: In addition

agbada on point

HOW 2 IDENTIFY DIFFERENT NAIJA CITIES!!!

1. Two guys are fightin, a 3rd guy comes along, sees dem and walks on - Dat's Lagos!
--------------- --------------- ----------
2. Two guys are fightin, a crowd gathers to watch, a guy comes along and quietly opens a bottle of beer - Dat's Jos!
--------------- --------------- ----------
3. Two guys are fightin, a crowd gathers 2 watch, a guy comes along and quietly says, 'God doesn't like all dis nonsense'...Peace settles in - Dat's Enugu!
--------------- --------------- ----------
4. Two guys are fightin and a 3rd guy comes along, den a 4th and dey start arguin about who is right - U are in Sapele!
--------------- --------------- ----------
5. Two guys are fightin, d 3rd guy comes frm a nearby house and says,
"Don't fight in front of my place, go somewhere else and keep fightin". - Dat's Benin!
--------------- --------------- ----------
6. Two guys are fightin, one runs away only 2 return with boko boys 2 start killin innocent people who know nothin about d fight - Dat's Yobe!
--------------- --------------- ----------
7. Two guys are fightin, a 3rd guy comes along with a carton of beer, all sit 2gether drinkin beer and abusin each other and all go home as friends - U are in Waffi (Warri noni)!
--------------- --------------- ----------
8. Two guys are fightin and one of dem starts callin d other one thief, armed robber, cultist and so on...A mob gathers and burn d accused alive - U are in Aluu!
--------------- --------------- ----------
9: Two guys are fightin, both of dem take time out and call deir friends on deir mobiles...Now 50 guys are fightin - U are definitely in Ibadan!
--------------- --------------- ----------
10. Two guys are fightin, a 3rd guy comes along and tries 2 make peace...D 1st two get 2gether and beat him up - Dat's Bauchi 4 U!

Naija no dey carry last...Add urs!
.................................................................

mad man self dey do birth day for lagos
gerrrrrrrrrrrhhhh out jareeeeeeeeeeee

how dare you call my name without putting broda u must be from the east
bushy anus

MATHEMATICAL LOVE LETTER
My Dear Love, Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.

You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima.

Which kills Faster?
A Yoruba Girl's Pant?
B A hausa Man's ToothBrush?
C An Igbo Man's Singlet"
ANSA ME FAST FAST

my greatest fear is marrying a stupid, uncaring womannn

mad man no wan die self talkless of messi

MUST READ
One day, a young guy and a young girl fell in love.
But the guy came from a poor family. The girl’s parents weren’t too happy.
So the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well. In time, the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter’s hand.
But there was another problem: The man was a soldier. Soon, war broke out and he was bei
ng sent overseas for a year. The week before he left, the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love, “Will you marry me?” She wiped a tear, said yes, and they were engaged. They agreed that when he got back in one year, they would get married.
But tragedy struck. A few days after he left, the girl had a major vehicular accident. It was a head-on collision.
When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her father and mother crying. Immediately, she knew there was something wrong.
She later found out that she suffered brain injury. The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles was damaged. Her once lovely face was now disfigured. She cried as she saw herself in themirror. “Yesterday, I was beautiful. Today, I’m a monster.” Her body was also covered with so many ugly wounds.
Right there and then, she decided to release her fiance from their promise. She knew he wouldn’t want her anymore. She would forget about him and never see him again.
For one year, the soldier wrote many letters—but she wouldn’t answer. He phoned her many times but she wouldn’t return her calls.
But after one year, the mother walked into her room and announced, “He’s back from the war.”
The girl shouted, “No! Please don’ttell him about me. Don’t tell him I’m here!”
The mother said, “He’s getting married,” and handed her a wedding invitation.
The girl’s heart sank. She knew she still loved him—but she had to forget him now.
With great sadness, she opened the wedding invitation.
And then she saw her name on it!
Confused, she asked, “What is this?”
That was when the young man entered her room with a bouquet of flowers. He knelt beside her and asked, “Will you marry me?”
The girl covered her face with her hands and said, “I’m ugly!”
The man said, “Without your permission, your mother sent me your photos. When I saw your photos, I realized that nothing haschanged. You’re still the person I fell in love. You’re still as beautiful as ever. Because I love you.

MORAL OF THE STORY
It does matter what life does to you Jesus will always love and he is ready to accept you just the way you are.
Lets pray...
thank you Jesus for your love,i know i don't deserve all this but you are so good to me.I thank you and promise to love you

Akpos asked teacher:excuse mi ma ,if u mix omo nd klin wil dere b foam ? Teacher respond :yes of cos,why ask such a stupid ques?@ d beggining of d year, ar u going 2 pass dis class @ all? Akpos laughs nd whisper 2 d other kids,such a dumb teacher, hw can u get foam wifout adding water, ar we going 2 knw anytin @ all wit dis teacher!!!

mtn think we are eediot abi where would a student load such amount abbbeggg wise up and stop beleiving on formalityyyyy

marry an civilised ODE and knw dat two bird flock together

d wife no dull ham

Teacher: Use the word harassment in a sentence... Akpos: I was in love with a girl and HER- ASS-MEANT a lot to me

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer and said "Pastor, I'll give you N50,000 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to that part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever', Please just omit it." So he gave the pastor 50k and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when the time came for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Do you promise to love and honour her, prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will NEVER EVER look at any other woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, answered in a tiny voice, "Yes I do" then leaned toward the pastor and whispered: "Oga, I thought we had a deal nau." The pastor quickly squeezed N60,000 into the groom's hand and whispered back: "Nna I’m sorry. She offered 100k. I’ve added 10k to your money as interest. Good luck." How’re you doing today people?

eeediot is admireing early divource afta naw u will come on nairaland that he iss ny responding to my call bt i love him

e-church

CHURCH SERVICE (IN THE NEAR FUTURE!)
PASTOR: Praise the Lord.
CONGREGATION: Hallelujah!
PASTOR: Can we please turn our Tablet PC,
iPad, Cellphone, Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor.
13:13....! And please switch on your Bluetooth to
download the sermon.... !
PASTOR: Let us pray committing this week
into God's hands. Open your WhatsApp,
BBM,
Twitter and Facebook and chat with your God. Come on... PASTOR: Please have your credit and debit
cards ready as
we shall now take tithes and offerings. You
can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the
password Lord909887.
[Ushers circulate mobile card swipe machines
among the worshipers].
Those who prefer to make electronic funds
transfers are directed to computers and
laptops at the rear of the church and those
who prefer to use iPads allowed to flip them
open. Those who prefer telephone banking
are allowed to take out their cellphones to
transfer their contributions to the church
bank account! The holy atmosphere is truly
electric as cellphones, iPads, PCs and laptops
beep and flicker! [Announcement]
SECRETARY: This week's cell meetings shall
be
held on the various Facebook group pages
where the usual group chatting takes
place. Please don't miss out. Thursday's bible teachings will be held live
on
Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss
out.
You can follow Pastor on Twitter this
weekend for counselling and prayers. God bless you, and have a wonderful week!

by the time they woke up u shall know them Jahbless CItizen of 9ja

e ali baba gave me dat jokes five years ago so stop bleeping and continue weeding eeeediot

: read dis: This is a real story of a young ex-Unilag girl who passed away last month. Her name was Lola. She was hit by a car at Oyingbo on her way to work at Apapa. She was working for MTN. She had a boy friend named Emeka, a banker who was recently transferred to Abuja. Bothof them were true lovers. She spent half of the day and most nights talking with Emeka on her phone. Lola's family knew about their relationship. Emeka was veryclose with Lola's family in spite of the tribal differences. (just imagine their love).
Before she passed away at LUTH, she told her friends "If I pass away, please bury me with my cell phone" she also said the same thing to her parents.
After her death at LUTH, the attendants couldn't carry her body to the mortuary. A lot of them tried to do so but still couldn't. They went and called some priests in church who had the gift of communicating with the dead. He sprinkled some salt and water on the body and started sp
...

eaking to himself slowly.After a few minutes, they said"this girl misses something here".
Then her friends told them about her intentions to bury her with her phone.
They asked them to bring a coffin,and then they opened it and placed her phone inside the casket. After that they tried to carry the body. It could now be moved and they carried it away easily.
Everyone was shocked. A day laterwhich was Lola's birthday, Emeka came to their house with gifts butwas so shocked to receive d news. He couldn't believe becausehe still spoke with Lola d previous day, he then tried calling her phone again in their presence and behold d phone rang nd Lola picked it and they were chatting. They called d priest to come and intervene nd when he came and prayed for 5 hours, it was revealed dat MTN is everywhere u go.
Pls don't shoot me yet cos I'm alsolooking for d person dat sent me dis,so I can strangle him......lolz

[b][/b]:A young guy David working with army was constantly humiliated bcoz he believes in God.One day, the captain wanted to humiliate him before the troops.He called David & said:"young man come here, take this key and park that Jeep in front appartment."David said, he can't drive. The captain said: "but then ask your God. We want you to show us that your God exist"David took the key & walks to the car and begins to pray. He then drives & parks the Jeep to the place PERFECTLY as the captain instructed.David come out of the Jeep and finds all people crying. They all said together, "we want to serve your God."Young soldier David was astonished, and asked what was going on.Captain crying loudly and opened the boot of the Jeep by showing David that the car had no engine.Then David said, "See! This is the Real God I Serve"MORAL LESSON:WITH GOD EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE. Have FAITH AND ALL WILL BE WELL.Press "LIKE" if you love God,and if you really mean it, then write, "I BELIEVE IN GOD

obasanjo: (Low Voice) Sweety, Last night I had a dream about you.
stella: (excited) Oooh, Tell me Something Honey...:
obasanjo: I dreamt We were traveling in a bus, Suddenly the bus lost control and fell in the river. Everyone swam to save their life, but you were still swimming and searching for someone.
stella: (with luv): Oh, Definitely, i was searching for You... Right?"
obasanjo: (Frowns) NO, You were asking for ur change i pray heaven forgive uuuuuuuuuuu

season two is on[b] the wayyy too much traffic [/b][right][/right][color=#990000][/color]

naaaa u knw joke na joke whether copy or pasted na joke abi u knw u dey kopi and paste for exam hall

collect dis one straight from cnn na leta bombu oooooooo
BREAKING NEWS:

Fight breaks out between Obama and Romney supporters in Iyana Ipaja, Lagos and Onishta dis early morning.

President Obama is leading massively in Abeokuta ibadan and Taraba.

We are yet to get reports from Osun and Ogun State.
election have been stopped by Inec dues to BOkohaRAM bombing in some eastern state ..
even self area boys don steal ballot paper nawnaw for abia


Please, send in reports from ur area.

flamingo reporting live fod NaiRAland[sub][/sub]

vote for me for the nex Nigeria president and u will all collect jets walahiiiiii

………….._.---._
………… '…………’
…………/……………\
…………\ (@) (@) /
………….\ . . A . ./
……………) ....,,(
……………\ """"" /
…………...`. _ .'
……… ……….=.
… … .---._.-.=.-._. ---.
…… ./ ':-(_.-: :-._)-:` \
… …/ /' (__.-: :-.__)`\ \
… ./ / (___.-` '-.___) '\ \
… / / . (___.-'^`-.___).\ \
. / / .. (___.-'=`-.___).. \ \
./ / … (____.'=`.____)…\ \
/ / … ' (___. '=`.___)……\ \
(_.;……`----'.=. `----'… …;_)
;|| … … ( `.-.=.-.' ) … … '||;
;|| … …… \ `.=.' / … …… ||;
;||………… \ .=. /…… … …||;
;||…… .-`.`-._.-'.'-… …… ||;
::\...... ( ,): O O, )…… /:;:
|||| … / /'`’---'--'` \ \ … '
||||
‘''''… ' / / ……… ……\ \ … ''''’’
....../ / …… …………\ \
...../ /………… … ……\ \
..../ /…… …… … … … \ \
.../ / …… ……… … …… \ \
../ /……… …… … …… … \ \
./.' …… …… … … … …… `.\
.(_)’ … …… …… …… ….`(_)
..\\ ……… ………………… //
...\\ ………… … ………… //
....\\ ……… …… ……… //
.....\\ ……… …………. //
......\\ ……………… …//
.......\\ …… …………//
.......///) ……………(\\\
stop bleeeepinnnng it a ghost run awayyyyyyyyyyyyyy
.....,///' ……… …… `\\\,
...../// …………………`\\\
....""' …………………… '""

PLEASE appreciate me nah it iz'nt easy to be a joker ask dust bin gbago

COMOT ROAD
Two gals were sitting
at a club. One was ugly and the other
one was beautiful.
A guy came and talked
to the ugly gal.
Guy: Hi!
Ugly gal: Hi!
Guy: Wanna dance?
Ugly Gal: Yes (excited)
Guy: Ok, Go and dance i
wanna talk to your
friend.

In a chemistry class,
the teacher asked the
students
to name the
atmospheric gases:
musa: oxygen.
Teacher: Good.
John: Nitrogen.
Teacher: That's my
boy!!!!
Kemi: Hydrogen.
Teacher: Wonderful!!!!!! Akpos: Tear gas.
Teacher: Akpos, you
have one more chance,
else you will be punished.
Akpos thinks hard and
says: Fabregas
so far say everything na gas let d gas continue jareeeeeeeeeeeee

A pastor was praying
for a man possessed
with demon. He said in
the name of
Jesus, what do you
want from this
man?, speak up before i
cast you out this
moment!."The demon
answered; I want him
to win the America
lotto draw worth
$200billion tonight. The
pastor lowers the
microphone and
whispered; get out of
him and enter into me![color=#990000][/color]