₦airaland Forum

“You need a ride?” Stanley stops his car close to where IB is standing.

“Yes I need a ride, the sun is too hot!” IB is glad.

“I like your car” She is sitting in no time.

“Thank you! So where do I drop you?”

“Ooh, I am going to my hostel! I guess you know where I stay?”

“Sure I know your hostel, are you not Sandra’s roommate?”

“Yeah, I am Ibifuro George first daughter of Chief Reynold George of Reyspark Group” She introduces herself.

“Wow! Your father is the owner of Reyspark oil company?” Stanley is astonished.

“Yeah, Not just that, he has several other small businesses in the city of Port Harcourt!”

“So why are you here? I mean why are you studying in Uniport and not Abroad? Knowing who your father is”

“Well, My father, even though he is rich is a very down-to-earth man that likes socializing with people around him and that is why he wants his daughters to school in Nigeria!”

“Daughters? Are you not an only child?”

“No ooh, we are two girls, I have a younger sister Kate, she is the former Miss Uniport!”

“Kate is your sister? I know her na!” Stanley is so surprised, “She is my church member”

“She is?”

“Yes she is, I didn’t know that she has such a beautiful sister”

“I am beautiful yeah, and you are so handsome!” IB smiles from both ends of her face, then frowns and says, “But I wonder what you are doing with that girl Sandra that is a member of a cult!”

“Really? She is member of a cult?”

“Yeah, she is a member of a female cult called Angels of the Night!” IB spews.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes I am very sure na, am I not her roommate again?”

“I know you are her roommate, but you shouldn’t condemn her right?”

“I am not condemning her, but I want you to know that me Ibifuro George daughter of Chief Reynold George is not a member of a cult!”

“I know!” Stanley laughs.

“So take me as your girlfriend, I promise to love you” IB is holding his right hand.

“I know, I love you as much as I love Sandra, as human beings!” Stanley frees his hand.

“Human beings? Me Ibifuro George daughter of Chief Reynold George………………………”

At Sand siro stadium Ogbum na Abali is slated a match between FC Abali and Rumuodomaya United.

Eze is sure he will play full time this time unlike the other match his team played against Eliozu FC that the coach reluctantly decided to allow him play at injury time; in that match, the ball was running far from his legs until fulltime whistle is blown.

“Oboy hope say you dey ready to watch me play tomorrow!” Eze tells Ovundah.

“You! You sabi play ball? You wey them dey put for dying minutes, na the same you wey your leg no touch ball nahim them go dey blame for the goal!” Ovundah reminds him of the quarrel he had with Chibu the captain in the last match against Rumuodara kings.

“No mind that Chibu! Them score goal when I no dey match, I enter match him dey blame me for goal wey I dey for bench see as them score!” Eze is that bad a defender.

“Shebi you go buy me beer if I come?” Since the last three months, Ovundah seems to love beer more than Mari’juana.

“Sure na, if we win I go buy you beer!”

“So if una no win nkor?” Ovundah is aware of how stingy Eze can be.

“Eheen! I dey find one of my boxers wey I dry for outside two days ago! You see am?” Eze says.

“See if you dey find your boxers, e sure for me say na Tunde take am! That guy no get shame!”

“Tunde get mind collect my boxers abi? Him go collect woto woto if him come back!”

“Shey your motor don good?” Ovundah questions.

“Yes my motor is very sound, anything?”

“I want make you help me drop my younger brother Sobulachi for my Mama place”

“Me? Drop that stubborn boy? No ooh!” Eze answers immediately.

“Wetin him do you?” Ovundah needs to know.

“I send this boy make him go buy me sugar, him carry my money buy sugar cane dey chop!”

“Hahahaha!” Ovundah laughs.

“Why you dey laugh na?”

“I dey laugh because sugar cane and sugar na the same thing, na only cane nahim differentiate them!”

“Eheeen! So you dey support that your brother abi?” Eze frowns, “Come carry me make I help you drop am na, him use my money buy sugar cane, shey na because I no flog am cane that day abi?”

“No be so, no be say I dey support am, just be say that my brother him stubbornness too much, I don tell my mama make she no dey bring am come here for holiday again! Imagine the other day him put pepper for my condom”

“That one na your business!”

“Just help me drop am and I go make sure I come watch your match!”

For the fact that Eze wants Ovundah to see his higher fitness upgrade since the last match he watched him played, he agrees to drop Sobulachi but he promise himself he will surely drive him to a secret location, flog him 20 strokes of cane and continue the ride.

“You are sure there is no Okro soup mixed with this soup?” Ovundah is inspecting the Egusi soup.

“No Oga sir, there is no Okro soup inside, na only Egusi soup dey inside” The lady responds.

Ovundah moves to the next table to eat. He is sure he is not ready to disobey his Iya.

“Oboy naso you hate Okro soup reach?”

“Yes ooh I no wan hear say una dey talk and una fling una hand and una Okro soup com mistake enter my Egusi soup, Doctor say make I no dey chop that soup!”

“You and that Doctor, una head no correct!” Obinna curses.

“I gree na!”

Ovundah is about taking his fourth swallow when he suddenly notices body weakness, his lips is swollen within split seconds.


Flash Back
“What of if someone mistakenly put Okro soup for my food, how I go take know say I don chop the soup?” Ovundah was having discussion with Iya at her shrine two days after he is crowned Point 1.

“You go feel week, your mouth go dey swell up!” Iya responds immediately.

“And when that one happen, wetin I go do?”

“Run, Run for your life ooh, run come meet me because all your jaz don comot be that, you no go fit disappear, even small pikin, if e use wood hit you, you don die be that!”


Present Day
Ovundah puts his left thumb in his right nostril to disappear as he is at a corner in Mama Oshogbo’s toilet.

“I don dey die be this!” Ovundah is thinking fast, he knows not what to do. He is sure someone has discovered the secret to neutralizing his charms.

His body is weak and heavy.

Could it be that Mama Oshogbo’s worker dished his soup with the same spoon used to dish Obinna and Chidi Imo’s okro soup?

Or is all this Omomo’s plan to get at him?

“Run, Run for your life ooh, run come meet me because all your jaz don comot be that…………………” He remembers the words of Iya and he struggles to raise his body towards the backdoor of Mama Oshogbo’s restaurant.

At RumuOkoro Junction, Ovundah rushes into a taxi loading to Rukpokwu then the driver turns to him and says; “Ovundah so we meet again!”

Ovundah raises his head and as his eyes meet with that of Paapa he remembers the evil he had done to the man while he was working at the bus stop.

The evil that men do lives with them.

Ovundah and Obinna's business stands are just a stone throw away, demarcated by Rumuokoro-Rukpokwu road yet they preferred communicating on WhatsApp.

“Make we go chop for Mama Oshogbo place!” Obinna sends a WhatsApp message to Ovundah.

“Okay make I tell Chidi Imo make all of us go together!”

There is no need for Ovundah to chat with Chidi Imo to pass a message across to him.

“Oboy make we go chop afternoon food for Mama Oshogbo place!”

Mama Oshogbo’s meals are as tasty as her workers little wonder all male traders at Rumuokoro market are always longing for lunch time, some of the traders like Chidi Imo have their lunch 5 times a day just to see the faces of the beauties.

“Wetin una wan chop?” One chubby beautiful lady comes to attend to them.

“I wan chop you!” Chidi Imo let those words out.

“Me? Why you no start by chopping your mama! She o ya were ni?” The lady is new at Mama Oshogbo’s.

“Sheoyawereni! No mind am! When we chop food finish we go know weda we go chop you” Obinna says, “Give me Okro soup with two big meat and Fufu!”

“Me give me Okro soup with two big meat and Fufu!” Chidi Imo, still admiring the lady chose Obinna’s words.

“Me no give me Okro soup ooh! Give me Egusi soup!” Ovundah is yelling, “I say Egusi soup, no be Okro soup ooh, no mix am with Okro soup ooh! Just Egusi soup with two meat and Eba, and no use spoon wey you take put Okro soup take put my own soup, in fact serve my own soup with another spoon and serve me before you serve them”

“Why you no like to chop Okro soup?” They don’t know.

They can’t know!

They can never know!

silverlinen:
I can't wait bros.... Meanwhile, i dey go keep myself busy with your other stories. Your stories na like therapy to the body.

I am glad to hear this.

Nagode

Na Baba God dey run am

“I had a nice time hanging out with you!” Stanley is smiling broadly.

“Yaaah me too, I had such a nice time! I hope we will hang out more often!” Sandra can’t take her eyes off Stanley’s beautiful lips.

She is longing for a kiss.

“You are such a handsome man you know!” Sandra is so close to having a feel of Stanley’s lips.

“Eheeen! We said no kisses remember?” Stanley reminds her.

“Yeah! No kisses, at least for now!”

“Yeah sure for now!”

As Sandra walks to her hostel, all she is thinking of is wrapping are arms around Stanley’s muscular upper frame, she is thinking of how having sweet sex with such a sexy man could feel. That is not what Stanley is thinking of as he drives off.

“Mehn you are falling in love with this Stanley of a guy!” IB welcomes her roommate.

“Says who? He is just a friend ooh!”

“Are you sure he is just a friend?” IB winks at her, “Friend abi boyfriend?”

“I know he is handsome and rich, but I love my boyfriend more than him” She needs to set the records.

“Are you sure?” IB questions, “Because the last time I checked Stanley is the most handsome young man in this campus and he should as well be amongst the richest too”

“My man Ovundah is fine, he is rich too!”

“Who? That one? That cultist?” IB stated.

Sandra sends IB a very hot slap before the statement leaves her lips.

“Don’t you ever call Ovundah a cultist!! Don’t ever!!” IB is cold.

“Manuchi say him go give me the stand wey dey opposite Obinna stand tomorrow evening!”

“But opposite Obinna stand na there Omomo stand been dey!”

“How I go stay for where my enemy been dey?”

“Mavin gay and Bob Marley say make I dey watch my back, say they are coming for me!”

“Iya say make I no fear them, say them dey under her control!”

“Omomo say make I dey watch my back, say him dey come for me!”

“Iya say make I no fear am, say the jaz wey dey my body dey very strong, but make I make sure say I no chop Okro soup!”

“Mama-O say she dey happy say I don build her another shop!”

“Etche call me, him say him don travel go Etche go do garri business! Him say I still dey owe am”

“Sandra say she no get anything with Stanley that Yahoo boy, she even deny say she dey have sex with CCCM”

“CCCM don give me the first supply of coco! The client wey I go deliver am to dey come collect am from my stand for Rumuokoro on Saturday!”

“I tell am say I go put the coco with the pant and bra wey him go buy!”

“But where the pant and bra sef?” Ovundah is smoking in his room.


“Na the pant and bra be this” Enters Obinna to Ovundah’s room with two big Ghana-must-go.

“Na the pant and bra full this two bag?”

“Yes na!” Obinna opens the bags.

“You see this one!” Obinna brings out what looks more like a bed sheet than a bra.

“I see am!”

“This one na 1k last price, e get side pocket!”

“How bra go get side pocket na?” Ovundah is stunned.

“Yes na, na the side pocket nahim we dey put the coco wey clients dey come buy!”

“Okay, How I go take know the clients when him come my stand?” A good question to ask.

“Shebi una go don talk for phone already before him go come, you go give am code when una talk for phone” Obinna begins, “So when him come him go talk the code, na the code you go use know say na him"

“Code like wetin I go give am?”

“Code like Mess, Mumu, Goat meat, Pepper soup! All this na different types of coco”.

Larrishjewel:
Ahh...one of the most earliest (if the grammar exists...lol) stories I read on nairaland. Had much trouble trying to comprehend the pidgin language then and the story was written in one. Can't really remember the storyline again sef. It was written by flow1759. His real name...Ugochukwu Peter Eke. He once posted to solicit for votes.

This guy no share this Money with me?

Sobulachi has laid hold of Ovundah’s packs of condom, he is not using them to design the room this time.

“What did you take from that place?” Bisi is on the bed.

“Aunty nothing ooh, I am just looking for my pen”

“You need a pen?” Bisi inquires.

“Yes I need a pen!” Sobulachi responds, “I want to write something”

“I think I have a pen in my bag, bring my bag!”

Bisi hands her fine pen to Sobulachi who promised to return it once he finished writing his brother’s testament and last will. Or rather once he finished writing the fire fighters alerting them to be on standby.

“Him go hear am today! Very wicked brother!!” Sobulachi is outside boring holes in the packs of condom, pouring a red substance inside.


Amala Affairs have a department of the business that sells sex performance enhancer in form of herbal drugs.

“Which one wey you want?” Yetunde the attendant asks Ovundah.

“I want the one wey go make person knack for 3 hours non-stop!”

“Okay na 300 Naira!”

“Give me 1k own! As customer sake you go give me 4 for 1k”

“Brooda, 1k own go too much ooh!” Yetunde warns.

“E no go too much, shey na you I wan knack? Abi you want make I knack you join?”

“Sorry ooh!”

“Sorry for yourself! Abeg give me 1k own and give me takaway own 1k, that’s everything 2k!”

Ovundah refused the voice of warning; Yetunde is sure no one in history has consumed such quantity of their sex enhancer. No not one.

Half way home, Ovundah realized suddenly that his volcano has erupted.

His walking step changes instantly and he spills the takeaway liquid Yetunde sold to him.

“Wetin dey happen? Na me get this kin big gbola?”

He struggled to reach home, quickly grabbed a pack of condom from where he kept all his packs of condom, tears it open and starts to show Bisi the stuff he is made of.

10 minutes in the first half of the third match and the team on red jersey is giving it hot to the team of blue jersey.

Red jersey is giving it red hot.

“Yekpa! Mo ti ku ooh!” Bisi screams.

“Fire ooh!” Ovundah rushes to the bathroom.

“Fire!! Fire!!! Fire!!!!” Sobulachi rushes to the neighbours “make una bring water! Make una call fire fighters! Bring fire extinguisher!”

“Welcome Aunty, Aunty you are fine ooh!” Every Aunty Ovundah brought home was beautiful to Sobulachi for a reason.

“Thank you boy! How are you?”

“I am fine, my name is Sobulachi, I am brother Ovundah’s younger brother, he is my elder brother, he is not a wicked brother ooh, he is a good brother, a very good brother!”

“Yes my baby is a good man, I know!”

“See eheen, two of una fit una self die! What God has joined together let no Sandra put sand for una garri!”

“Who is Sandra?” Bisi questions.

“Sandra?” Ovundah winks unevenly at Sobulachi.

“Yes, who is she?”

“Sandra? She is one girl, she use to sell Akara in that junction, sometimes she will be telling me she likes my brother, but I will tell her that my brother don’t like her, she will be bribing me with Akara, I don’t use to take ooh, I used to tell her that I know my brother’s girlfriend is a rich woman, she will give me something better than Akara!”

“Yes ooh, I am a rich woman and I will prove it to you now!” Bisi puts her hand into her handbag.

“Aunty no be say I dey ask you for 5k ooh, but if you give me 5k nothing spoil” Ovundah’s mouth is ajar.

“Okay take this, I don’t have up to 5k, take it, it is 3k”

“Wow! Aunty your face show, your shoe shine, your teeth sef white!” Truth is Ovundah has made Bisi realize the essence of Toothpaste in the market; her bad breath is leaving gradually.

“Yes na my teeth white” Bisi is glad to say.

Sobulachi, sitting outside by the door has not finished eating the beans and bread he bought with some of the money Bisi gave him before Ovundah finished playing two matches in the football competition going on inside.

In the first match, the Home team on Red jersey strike from the rear with 40percent ball possession.

In the second match the Away team on Blue jersey is at the top with 70percent ball possession.

“We have three more rounds to go!” Bisi is not satisfied, “The way we are going, how am I sure that you will make my kini to cry!”

“I will ooh, I will I promise!” Ovundah assures.

“Then prove it, you have to perform better!”

“Okay, I am coming let me go and buy milk!” He thought it right.

“Yes go and buy milk, I need my kini to cry!”

It is a sure thing that Bisi’s kini would cry in the third match, but I assure you, the tears will be proportional to the success of Sobulachi’s plan.

“We will have sex 5 times in a day every weekend for the next two months; real hot sex, my kini must cry”

“5 times! You wan kill mee!!!!!”

“I no wan kill you!” Bisi laments.

“But 5 times too much na!” Ovundah imagines.

“It is too much abi?” Bisi says, “Shebi you want to graduate with 2 one?”

“Yes I wan graduate with second class upper!” Ovundah is thinking there is slim difference between 2-one and second class upper.

“If na wetin you want then you must do what I want for me to help you sort your courses! You must agree to my terms”

“Talk that your terms again sef! I wan hear am again, i been no hear am well that first time!”

Bisi clears her throat and says, “We will have sex 5 times in a day every weekend for the next two months; real hot sex, my kini must cry”

“Eheen Kini, wetin be kini?” Ovundah knows "Kini big deal" a song my Naeto C.

“My Kini! My Kpekus!” Bisi is glad to say.

“Okay no worry your kini must cry, I go make sure e cry like say e dey slize Onions”

“Ehen, that is what I want” Bisi smiles, “And you know today is Friday, its weekend”

“How Friday take be weekend na?” Ovundah cries.

“Before nkor? Friday no be weekend?”

“Friday na week-day na!”

“See Ovundah the key to your second class upper is in my hand!” Bisi shows him her right palm, “Don’t joke with me!”

“I am not joking na” Ovundah says, “Okay I agree, Friday is not week-day, Friday is Weekend, lets go to your house!”

“My house? We are doing it every weekend in your house!”

“My house?”

“Yes your house!”

“This brother Ovundah think say him get sense! Him hide beans make I no see, com still give me the pot make I wash! Wetin I go do am ehnn!” Sobulachi is scheming while doing the dishes.

“Okay I know wetin I go do am! Shebi I dey this house!”


“Ovundah! Wait for me!” Bisi calls.

“Wetin this one want from me na!” Ovundah stands.

“I told you to always wait for me so we can walk home together!” Bisi meets him.

“See I dey vex! This test wey I write I no write am well”

“Ahaaan! why you no write am well?”

“Wait first ooh, let me ask you, what is the capital of France? Is it Ankara?” Ovundah questions.

“Haba! How can the capital of France be Ankara?” Bisi is shocked.

“shhhhhh! No dey shout na!” Ovundah puts his hand on Bisi’s mouth.

“See ehnn, when the question said we should talk about how France had welcomed English language in any major city in the country over the years, I chose Ankara city!”

“Haba! When Anakara is not in France! That means you are dull ooh” Bisi is laughing.

“I am dull abi? You are insulting me, I am dull, so what do you want from a dull person?”

“Sorry, I don’t mean to insult you! But where were you when the lecturer taught us this topic?” Bisi is not aware Ovundah would choose the course called Cultism to History of English.

“See Bisi I need your help!” Ovundah looks her in the eyes.

“What? Why do you need my help?”

“I am failing!” Ovundah weeps, “I need to graduate with second class upper, but now my CGPA is a liitle below it”

“So what do you want me to do, I should help you study well?”

“No, I want you to help me, I want to sort all my courses, the rest courses until we graduate!”

Most course reps in University of Port Harcourt are known for one thing; “sorting!!”. Pay 30k and you will get a C, pay 50k and you will get a B, but to get an A you will need to pay 100k, sleep with course rep and if you are not lucky, you will sleep with the lecturer as well.

“I will pay! I will pay whatever your price is”

“Eheeen! You will pay? Are you sure?” Bisi is scheming.

“Yes I will pay, I have the money!”

“I am not talking about the money! I am talking about paying in kind!”

“In kind? You know I am a very kind man, I will pay you kindness in any way you want me to!”

“If you are sure you will pay me kindness in any way I want, then you must agree to my terms!”

Ovundah couldn’t guess Bisi’s terms.

From now this story becomes more interesting

Stay glued

silverlinen:
Flowwww

Shey Yoruba cult dey again? Keep it moving bros

Yoruba cult dey na. Even Ogoni in rivers state sef get cult; don't worry as you continue to read you will see that many tribes have their own tribal cults.

When i dey Osun state, i almost join Yoruba cult na. Na why i be "IGBO BOY WEY LIKE YORUBA"

chidozeze:
Flow baba na God go bless you, for your service to nairaland in literature section.
I have been a fan since 10 years ago. Keep up the good work.

Nice, One love

You be correct.

I am happy to hear this.

Iamheretolearn:
Flow,i troway salama for you.

I must commend your writing in pidgin skills.
I sabi write too but na only Onyibo i sabi take write.
I admire your work.
Absolutely splendid! Keep it up!

I like this. Thank you so much.
No be me, na God dey run for me

“Iya say by next month she go carry me go river go make me Point 1 for Iceland”

“Obele say him go dey present for the occasion! And him say all Icelanders for Uniport must attend am”

“Marvin Gay and the rest icelanders no dey happy say I wan be Point 1 because them first me join Iceland, but when them say make them go kill Alhaji, all of them fear”

“Obinna and Chidi Imo say I go need to join them to dey sell pant and bra for Rumuokoro, say na the easiest way wey I go take dey move coco be that! How I wan take dey sell pant and bra?”

“Bisi say she still love me even after wetin my papa do to her! She dey jonz ooh!”

“IB say she want tell me something about Sandra! Wetin she wan tell me? I no care to know, I know say she want make me and her do again! I no wan do anything”

“Sandra say she no wan release my money wey dey her account make I build Mama-O shop back, but why?”

“Mama-O say na only me go fit build her shop back and buy all the properties wey fire burn, Why she believe say I go fit get like 2 million Naira wey go build the shop and buy the things wey fire burn? Abi she dey suspect say I don dey do coco business?”

“Manuchi say him don destroy all Omomo stands for Rumuokoro market!”

“Omomo send me text message, him know say na me tell Manuchi make him destroy him stands, I hear say him na Point 1 for that Yoruba cult Eiye”

“Emeka say make I follow am go their Kingdom hall for Jehovah witness, say if I follow am go everything go better, him say Jehovah loves me! Who be Jehovah sef?”

Ovundah is smoking heavily more than ever before, his phone rings.

Emeka is calling.

There is a test in school.

On the night when Ovundah is to take the bold step of becoming one of CCCM’s drug movers. He is thinking deep.

“So na this coco business I go take raise family?”

“What if I die?”

Then the driver CCCM sent to pick him to the hidden underground drug storehouse started playing late Dagrin’s song “If I die!”
“If I die, make you no cry for me! E jensimi, ejo ka’ejen sun, them pretending they are my friends………………… but they wana see me die!”

Ovundah is singing along. He is now wishing he could leave this world now.

“I like this song ooh!” He tells the driver.

“Yes na, na correct song, e no go better for people wey kill Dagrin!” The driver responds.

As Ovundah steps into the underground storehouse, he is amazed at why someone will build such a masterpiece underground house just for coco business.

Dear Ovundah is shocked at who he sees standing right in front of CCCM like a soldier waiting to receive orders; Obinna.

“Obinna!! Wetin you come do here?” The words were finding its way out of his mouth when he sees someone else; Chidi Imo.

“Igbo boys ehnnn, una go just dey do something on code dey get money, una no go let una guys know!” Ovundah recalls Obinna telling him he wanted to start developing his property at Igbo Etche.


“You wan start to build house? You get land?”

“Yes na, I get 3 plots of land for Igbo Etche, I wan build hotel there!” A typical Ikwerre man like Ovundah would never see the need to make such an investment.

“You? Build hotel? How na? Where you go get the money? Na from this pant and Bra wey you dey sell?”

“God go surely provide, you no believe God?” Obinna assures him.


“See ehn, no be Igbo boys something, we have to leave Alhaji Danguma since him decide to pay us bad for the time wey we serve am by arresting us” Chidi Imo, Obinna and Ovundah is at Amala affairs strategizing how the next deal going down on Tuesday would be.

“Ovundah we need to introduce you to how me and Chidi Imo dey do this thing wey e dey dey easy for us” Ovundah really needs the introductions.

Sobulachi is on the floor.

“He is acting, don’t mind him, na play play boy!” Ovundah is not panicking.

“He is acting abi? He is not breathing and you are talking nonsense!” Sandra is panicking, “Let us take him to the hospital jor!”

Ovundah suggests they took him to the community hospital close by because he is sure such a cunny boy is not deserving of any place better.

Sandra thought otherwise and told the bolt driver to turn towards Save-A-Life Hospital a renowned private hospital in Port Harcourt.

“Who go pay the hospital bill for this fine hospital wey we dey enter so?” Ovundah cares to ask.

“You of course! Are you not his brother!” Sandra responds.

“I am his brother but that his brother does not have money!”

“You have ooh, your brother is almost dying and you are here talking of who will pay for the hospital bill, No wonder the boy calls you a wicked brother!” Sandra cautions Ovundah, “If you decide not to pay the bill, I will pay with that your money I have in my account!”

As the doctor places the stethoscope on Sobulachi, all Ovundah could see is Sobulachi’s somewhat smiling face.

“You are smiling abi?” He almost said, “I know there is nothing wrong with you, na only me know you!”

Sandra lied to the doctor that Sobulachi consumed alcohol and not some substance containing Marij’uana like he speculated.

“I don warn you about this Brownie thing!” Ovundah yells at Sandra as they return home by evening.

“Am I the one that told him to go and open my bag while i was in the bathroom?”

They are almost home when Ovundah’s phone rings.

CCCM is calling.

Sobulachi is at the back seat of the car thinking of how to get at Ovundah for the beans he denied him.

Will revenge ever come?.

I just saw now that its been 12 years since i registered here in Nairaland.

12 years of entertaining Nairalanders

@Seun wey my caps?

Its not been easy.

To God be the glory

When Mama-O called Ovundah some days ago to inform him that Sobulachi was on holiday and that she wants him to come spend the holiday at Ovundah’s place, Ovundah wished he could say no, but he dares not say no to his loving mother who is currently in pains over the loss of her only means of livelihood.


“Brother! I don show like showglass!” Sobulachi is at the door

Ovundah first hid his wallet, his pot of beans before he hid his packs of condom otherwise Sobulachi will use them to decorate the room as an expert interior decorator.

“Sobi my man! Wetin you bring for me?” He opens the door.

“I bring myself na! Abi you no happy as I come?”

“I dey mad? Why I no go happy as you come? My loving brother” He hugs him, but in his mind’s eyes he saw himself strangling him.

“Brother I never chop ooh, food dey?”

“food no dey!”

“First to do, e no dey pain, second to don nahim dey pain!” Goes a popular pidgin English adage.

Ovundah left the room forgetting he hid the pot of beans from Sobulchi, and the food got spoilt.

First to do, e no dey pain.

“Why this my brother hate me like this? Wetin I do am?” Sobulachi ponders.

He hears a knock on the door.

“who is that?”

Sobulachi hurries to the door and meets Sandra.

“Ooh Aunty Sandra sweet like sardine!”

“Sobi sobi! How are you?”

“I am fine ooh, long time no see Aunty”

“I have been coming here na, but I have not been seeing you

“You sure?” Sobulachi eyeballs her.

“I sure na! Where is your elder brother?”

“Him comot since morning leave me and beans wey don spoil for here”

“Ahaaan! Why will he do something like that na?”

“I no know for am ooh, na wicked brother him be!”

“He is not wicked, maybe he forgot!” Sandra puts her hand into her purse, “Oya take this 1kay get yourself something to eat! Leme me use the rest room!”

Sandra enters Ovundah dirty bathroom leaving Sobulachi to do his regular, “search and take” with her bag.

Our Sobulachi searches Sandra’s bag to take something that is to kill him.

“Oga Manuchi I need your help” Ovundah is at Manuchi’s shabby office.

“You need my help abi? After you and Etche thief my money com run”

“Me? Thief your money? Who tell you that one

“See Emohua and one guy wey say him name na Omo tell me say you being dey thief my money”

“Omomo tell you like that?” Ovundah’s bones are weak.

“Yes, him say na him dey help you hide the money carry go house!” Munachi smiles, “But why Ovundah? I no be better Ikwerre brother to you? I no dey do una well?”

“You being dey do us well!” Ovundah is uneven, “You be better Ikwerre brother!”

“So why you com do me like this?” Munachi says, “I being tell guys say if them see you make them help me catch you and drill you wotoporously!”

Wotopously is another Port Harcourt slang meaning intensely. For instance, “The T-pain administration is dealing with Nigerians wotoporously”

“I no deserve wotoporous drilling na!” Ovundah cries.

“You deserve am before, but you no deserve am again because I don forgive you!” Ovundah is at ease, “So wetin carry you come?”

“Wetin carry me come na be say I need your help for something”

“Wetin be the something?” Manuchi asks, “By the way I hear say them burn your mama my sister shop”

It instantly dawned on Ovundah that Manuchi is his mum’s brother from the same community in Eliozu.

“Yes ooh, them burn your sister shop, na the reason make me come! The people wey burn her shop dey under your government, I want make you help me treat their f’uck up!”

“Iya say if I become Point 1 by next semester say them Marvin Gay go dey respect me!”

“Obele say him go hand over everything to me before him go leave the school by next semester, him say make I no fear say him go always dey with me from anywhere wey him dey!”

“CCCM say I dey waste time, make I hurry come join am! Say I go rich overnight!”

“Obinna say him get plan wey we go take catch Omomo!”

Ovundah is thinking deep. He is smoking deep too.

“I wish say Omomo go just enter this Monalisa now make I just press him throat make him die!” Ovundah is wishing.

“I wish say Sandra gree release all my remaining money wey she keep for her bank account? But she say she dey save am for me. She say she no want make I spend am anyhow!” A good woman.

Ovundah's phone rings.

“Ovundah! Where you dey? Come Rumuokoro now now!” Obinna tells him.


“Look! See Omo, na him be that, him no dey too come market again!” Obinna points, “him don put boys make them dey work for am!”

“You get idea how many stands wey boys dey work for am?” Ovundah couldn’t help but to ask.

“You see all those four stands wey dey opposite my stand for the other side of the road? Na Omo get all of them!”

“Omomo get four stands dey do business and him com burn my mama shop!” ovundah cries.

“Wetin you go do now?”

“I go show this boy shege!” Ovundah is very sure.

For a starter, he needs to meet with a former boss.

On the tenth day of Christmas, there was a beauty pageant in Uniport.

Sandra is crowned the campus queen.

The girls in Campus are saying it was an “Ojoro” for she to have won, they claim being a final year student, she is not qualified to contest at all not to talk of winning the pageant. Their claims are right; the reign of every campus queen was supposed to be 1 year, therefore a final year student is not qualified to contest.

Well, your guess is as good as mine; Sandra will reign on the seat even after leaving the school.

She has longed to be crowned campus queen since her year one, she had contested three times and reached the final twice, the previous year, Kate, IB’s younger sister in 2nd year snatched the opportunity from her by hair’s breadth.

Throughout that semester Sandra couldn’t forgive IB for introducing Kate to Madam Tamuno one of CCCN’s loyalists.

Madam Tumuno a.k.a Madam social is the most sociable lecturer in campus; one time head of students affairs, one time HOD Mass Communication and One time side chick to the then Vice Chancellor.

“Sandra I assure you, you will win the pageant next year!” Madam Tamuno assured Sandra as she came crying to her the year Kata beat her hands down.

“Ma, but I have served you, I have been very loyal to you, yet you can’t let me win it this time, just once!”

“You would have won it if not for that Confi of a woman!"

“Who? Madam Confidence? She has a hand in this?”


Since then, Sandra’s decision to pitch her tent in Madam Confidence’s camp has paid off. Now she is the campus queen; admired by all, hurting Ovundah.


“I think Sandra is a member of that female cult!” Emaka tells Ovundah as they gist in the school’s love garden.

“Which female cult?”

“Na my mouth you wan hear am? Black bra na!” Emeka couldn’t help but to whisper.

Since Ovundah’s first year in school, he had suspected Sandra to be a member of a secret cult, but he just couldn’t place his finger on anything, the closest was when he saw some horrible scars on her back while he was about making love to her.

“Whating be this mark Sandra?” He asked.

“What is whating be this mark?” Sandra can’t stop correcting Ovundah’s grammatical blunder.

“Sandra I say wetin be this mark?”

“Ooh that? Those are marks from injuries I sustained falling down in the bathroom countless number of times!” Love made Ovundah believed that crap.


“I no believe you!” Ovundah says to Emeka.

silverlinen:
She we don comment now

Nice piece you're giving us here man. I appreciate this.

About 2k views and only 2 comments. T-pain no try ooh

Thanks for the comment jare

“Iya say if I become point 2 for Iceland, I go dey fit disappear, I go dey fit fly like bird, I go dey fit know wetin go happen before e happen, but she say make I no ever chop Okro soup” Ovundah is spending heavily at Central Afrika.

“CCCM say make I come join him crew, say I go dey make 20 million Naira in a week!”

“Obele go soon graduate, if him graduate leave Uniport na me go become point 1”

“Point one and them go kill am for you!” Ovundah tells Obinna.

The “point and kill” Catfish at Central Afrika isn’t larger than Ovundah’s heart that night. He had bought Eze a wrist watch and Obinna a designer shoe to pay for all the times he had worn his shoes without paying the “renting fee”.

“Oboy you hit Jackpot?” Eze is first to ask.

“Yes ooh, I hit Jackpot! I win my bet for BetNaija!” Ovundah stands up dancing.

“But you wicked ooh, so you see sure game you no tell me make I follow you bet!” Eze king of gambling.

“No be so ooh, angel nahim give the game to me for dream, so as I wake up nahim I go straight to BetNaija shop go play am!”

“But you for still tell me na!”

“Eheen Obinna! This guy Omomo!” Ovundah stops dancing and sits, “Shey you dey see am for Rumuokoro market?”

“Yes na, I dey see am for market, but only be say him no dey sleep for Tunde house this days!”

“Rubbish O’femmanu guy!” Eze curses.

“E be like the guy dey hide from me” Ovundah pause for a while, “I know wetin I go do am!”

“Yes we need to pursue that guy comot for this Port Harcourt for that kin thing wey him do to your mama!”

“Yes na, we go pursue am, we go first pursue am comot for Rumuokoro market!” Obinna is sure.

“yes na!”

“But Obinna na you go help me achieve that one!”

“The one that will wash his hand in the bowl of water as you wash your hand to eat the platter of grilled Cat fish is the one that will betray you” An angel ministers to Ovundah.

Obinna spills water on the table as he hurriedly washes his hand in the bowl of water at the same time Ovundah is washing his.

“Eheen! Omo daada! Sit down please!” CCCM notices Ovundah’s presence.

What follows is absolute quietness before CCCM says, “Eheen you are Ovi………… Ovie abi?”

“Ovundah sir! My name is Ovundah Worlu!”

“Okay Ovundah! So you are the one that did the nice job?”

“Nice job?” Ovundah is almost lost.

“Eheen na, you are the one that took down my number one enemy!”

“Yes sir! I am the one, by the grace of God!” Like God gives His grace to murderers.

“You are good man. I told Obembe I wanted to see you!” CCCM eyeballs him.

Obembe is the Yoruba version of the nickname in Igbo Obele meaning Small. Obele is not only small but mighty, he is the most important person in CCCM’s life after his daughter Yemisi of course.

“Good morning dad!” Yemisi enters her dad's beautiful office without knocking.

“Good morning my beautiful daughter!”

Then Ovundah’s heart skips.

The same Yemisi he has once licked her Mango.


The Mango licking act happened one hot afternoon when Tunde was out hustling, Ovundah was under the mango tree lifting some weighs when Yemisi entered.

“Did Tunde leave his key with you?” She walks to him.

“Yes he did, he said I should help you open the door when you come!” Yemisi being Tunde’s new catch at that moment was finding it difficult opening his rickety door.

Ovundah helped Yemisi Opened the door and she offered to pay for the gesture by opening her legs for him.

“You are such a knackist!” Yemisi assured him as he tries to catch air.

“Knackist? Wetin be knackist?”

“I mean you can knack very well!” Yemisi says.

“I know na, that is why my friends call me Ovundah the Overdose, I dey give overdose!”

“I really got overdose of this I swear, for this I will give your account overdose!” Yemisi is so pleased.

“You mean it?”

“Yes na, I mean very word of it!!” She kissed him, “type your account number here!”

Ovundah never believed a lady could offer a guy 200kay for giving her hot sex.


“Why are you looking at my daughter like that? You know her?” CCCM inquires.

“Yes, I mean No, I don’t know her! Chief you have a beautiful daughter I must say!”

“Thank you! She took after me! Abi am I not a fine man?”

Before Ovundah could say “No sir, you are not a fine man!” his phone rings, it is Mama-O calling.

The call reminds him of Mama-O’s sorrow at the moment, then he remembers what Omo had done to his mother.

Omomo!

“Shebi Iya say Police no go fit suspect me for any crime wey I comit?” Is the first question on Ovundah’s mind.

“Look, that is not the point now!” Obele begins, “the point be say you need to see Chief Chop and Clean mouth, he wants to see you!”

Ovundah rubs his lips with his right palm, he is sure Obele is referring to him.

“Me? Chop and clean mouth?” He is confused, “I never even chop anything com talk of to clean mouth!”

“hahahahha!” Marvin gay laughs so loudly.

“My friend shut up!” Obele puts his laugher to a stop.

“I said you need to see Chief Chop and Clean Mouth, he wants to see you!”

Chief Chop and clean mouth short for CCCM is the devil’s advocate. He kills, maims and destroys anyone trying to be a stumbling block on his way to becoming the richest man in the city of Port Harcourt. He is living in an era when Yoruba men dares not lift their head up to prosperity in the city of Port Harcourt; an era when every Yoruba man would rather stick to taxi driving than venturing into anything lucrative in the city.

Tunde started out driving one of CCCM taxis before he gathered money to acquiring his own. He almost died wishing he heard the voice of warning.

“See I don drive taxi for that man!” Eze said, “You can never save anything from the money you will get for yourself”

“Look Baba na correct man, him village near my own” Tunde calls CCCM his baptismal name; the name every taxi driver working for him calls him “Baba”.

Maybe it is because Tunde and CCCM a.k.a Baba are from neighbouring villages in the same Local Government Area that was why he was not sacrificed like other taxi drivers. Or was it because Tunde was dating his daughter Yemisi?

Reaching CCCM compound was not closer than reaching Timbuktu because Ovundah decided he will walk althrough; he needs all the fresh air to think straight.

“Chief will see you now!” Ovundah walks into the most beautiful duplex he has ever seen since he was born.

“Who is this Chop and Clean mouth sef? What does he want from me?”

“But Iya say the jaz wey dey my body go make I no go be suspect for any crime wey I comit”

“Why the jaz no work for this Police people”

“Abi jaz no dey work for Police station?” Ovundah is on his way home.

“I never see alert!” His mind swayed.

“Sandra no send the money again?”

“Oboy you hear wetin I dey hear?” Tunde is the first he sees, “them say Alhaji Danguma don die?”

“I hear am too!” Ovundah is absent minded.

“The almighty Alhaji Danguma!”

“I never see alert!” Ovundah’s tongue slips.

“You never see alert!” Tunde is astonished, “You dey expect money?”

“Shey Sandra come here?” He covers up.

“Yes she come!” Tunde responds, “She carry one Ghana must go like that!”

“You mean am?” Ovundah is pleased.

He dashes in to find the Ghana must go northwards of his room. He didn’t sit down before he opens it to find 15 clothes in place of 15 million Naira.

“Sandra don scam me!” Siting on the floor, his hand is on his head.

Ovundah weeps.

He continues weeping until his phone rings.

“Hello, I never see the money ooh, my share of the deal!” It’s Etche calling.

Ovundah had promised Etche 5 million Naira from the 15 million Naira Obele promised.

Now the deed is done. There is no money, all because of love.

“Why Sandra go do me like this? But I trusted her!”

Ovundah assures Etche that he would receive the money in “no time”.

It is “no time” right on time as his phone beeps.

It’s a message from his bank, a 5 million Naira alert.

“Etche send me your account number make I credit you 4 million Naira, I go credit you the rest 1 million tomorrow, them never pay me finish!” He calls Etche.


As he sits at the VIP-secret-corner of Monalisa waiting for Obele to come, he is thinking deep, yet he is smoking.

Wishing the smokes could fly with his sorrows.

“Sandra Number no dey go!”

“That girl no fit scam me!”

From nowhere enters Obele with his bodyguard Marvin Gay.