₦airaland Forum

“You don pour milik?” I, Morley and Nas were at Gambo’s.

“Yes I don puttam por enoup milik?” Gambo affirmed.

I had barely taken two spoons of the custard in front of me when one fine fat girl walked towards us; to Morley’s side of the table.

“So Morley you don’t want take my number abi?” She said.

“Shooo! Na by force to take your number?” I almost said.

“Okay let me have your number?” Morley was reluctant about giving out his number to her.


“This Miracle girl dey disturb me ooh!” Morley said.

“Na your spec na” I reminded him.

“You like them big” Skinny Morley so loved the Big.

“You are a Lion not a Dog, Lions eat flesh and Dogs eat bones” Nas stated Morley’s rule of selective womanizing.

“Hmm I know say I be Lion, but this kin girl be like winch” Morley said, “she fit kill me for night”

“Talking of killing person I remember that your fat babe Nene when we dey school” I reminded Morley, “You for die by axe that day ooh”

Morley had just one babe back in school. Nene – the dreaded Nene.

Nene was not just the point woman of black Bra confraternity in campus, she was all ritualist sure plug for human parts. I was so sure she had Kanayo .O. Kanayo’s number in her phone.

Morley was lucky having such a woman to himself; she never cheated on him, works hard but drinks harder, the type that loves clubbing more than eating Pringles.

One sunny Sunday afternoon, Morley and I was at home watching Tv in our cubicle back in school when a knock was heard on the door.

“Yes!” I thought it was the woman that sold provision down the street I owed 10k.

“Good afternoon, we are here to share the word of life with you” One dark-lipped goddess said.

“Okay you can come in” I said to her and the guy with her followed.

“We are here to preach the Gospel of Christ to this household!” The lady said.

“We are from Jehovah’s witness!” The guy with torn trouser said.

“Wow!” Morley’s mouth was ajar admiring the lady, “If you are here to preach the Gospel of Christ, then come nearer na!”

“Nearer kill you there!” I almost said.

“Didn’t the holy book say nearer to me ooh Lord!” Morley always upgrading his wooing version.

Two minutes of the lady sharing the word and Morley was so so close to her while the guy served me red hot mouth odour.

“Sir you are coming too close to me!” She was sinking in the chair.

"Sir your you are bathing me with saliva!" I almost said to our Jehovah witness brother.

"Sir i don't like this, you are coming too close to me" The lady was almost sitting on air.

“The Holy book says Draw me nearer, nearer unto thee!” Blasphemous Morley.


From nowhere, someone pushed the door open without knocking.

“Good evening ma” I greeted Nene the Gaint.

“You!! You are sleeping with another girl!!” I noticed our Nene was with a small axe.

“No ooh, she is a pastor; she came to to to preach to me!” Morley stammered, “She is a Jehovah witness”

“She is a Jehovah witness abi?” Nene nodded, “Don’t worry she is going to witness as I will pieces your head with this axe”

“Thank God I am not part of this” I was about leaving.

“Come here!!! You will be an eye witness to this” Nene ordered.

“Eye witness? My eye is not good ooh!” I cried, “I have eye problem”

From nowhere like thunder, I heard “tetaraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” my head was the orbit where the moon and stars revolved around.

“Your eye don good now abi?” Nene asked.

“Yesoooo my eye dey see clear now!” I saw men like trees and angels ascending to heaven.

Just when I said I should look up to confirm it was judgment day and Morley had left me on earth ascending up to heaven, I saw an axe descending from heaven towards Morley’s head.

“Morley!! Your head!”

4kizo:
Ride on bro, keep the flow


Seems your fans never get to know about this story.
How can we let them know?

Na why we get people like you na, help us inform them. Or so i thought.

I and Morley opened the computer centre we had in mind within four months of his arrival.

We started by massively advertising free computer training for the first five person to register to be trained; a promise we never kept. I guessed offer valid while stock lasted, and stock finished the moment offer started.

I was in the office with my laptop improving on my graphics skill when one black goddess walk in.

“I want to register for computer training” She sat down even before I offered her seat.

“Okay, let me show you our prospectus!” I offered.

While she glanced through our prospectus, the tattoo by her right b’reast caught my e’rection, attention I mean to say.

“Okay so I will pay for the three months training” She said, “who is going to be trainer? Is it you?”

“Yes it is me!” Who else?.

“So I will do a transfer to your account, then we start right away”

“That will be fine” I smiled.

“Sorry my bad, I didn’t introduce myself, my name is Eucharia, you can call me UK for short” She offered a handshake.

“My name is Peter, you can call be PT for short” We both laughed.

My volcano that was erupted was still erupt for more than 30 minutes into the lectures.

“Are you sure you are okay!” She asked pointing towards the volcano.

“I am very okay” I whispered, “is just that my thing is always happy seeing a beautiful girl”

“Really, am I beautiful?”

“Yes na, you are very beautiful, and I like you”

“Thank you!” She blushed.

My volcano was still erupt and I noticed she glanced at it from time to time licking her lips.

“This your thing is big ooh!” She said, “Can I touch it?”

“No,Yes, No, Yes, No, I mean Yes you can”

For 45 minutes of my lectures her left hand was on my gbola until I poured milik like Gambo my maishai friend will say.

Blame me not; After Coretha left, its been 200 years since i poured milik.

“Oboy so naso you take leave Nigerian Breweries work!” I chatted with Morley in my living room over a bottle of red wine.

I and Morley worked a bit in Lagos in Two neighbouring establishments – He worked at Nigerian Breweries Iganmu for almost two years, while I worked in First Registrars in same Iganmu for 6 months before quitting my job and headed to Port Harcourt in a quest for an Oil job having studied Industrial Physics in school.

While working in Lagos, we would stop for a little chat some mornings while he returned from night shift and I was on my way to resume my Eight to Five duties at the Registrars.

Guess what?

He worked as a security man, opening gates for other graduates like himself.

Nigeria!! A country where Kings eat crumbs.He had no choice but to accept the job when it came as there was no better job forthcoming.


“What of that your babe Grace na!” I cared to know.

“she dey jor” He returned.

“hahahahahahaha!” I laughed.

“why you dey laugh?” Morley asked.

I laughed because I remembered what happened in Igueben Edo state while Morley was a corps member wooing Grace a virgin.

I was yet to be called up to serve Nigeria so I thought it wise to visit my friend Morley who was serving in Igueben save frustration killed me in Owerri.

We were in Igueben market one sunny afternoon when one beautiful damsel walk pass us as we bought Fufu.

“Flow abeg hold these things I dey come!” Morley handed over the item we bought to me while he chase after the damsel.

“Hello! Grace!” He called out.

“Mumu boy, we dey hungry you dey pursue woman” I cursed and my stomach rumbled in affirmation.

I thought he wanted to have just a two minutes chat with Grace. Two minutes turned two hours. My eyes were spinning, my tongue, bitter.

I ate some of the smoked fish we bought, yet the hunger increased.

“This mumu boy no go come make we dey go house” I cried, “If no be say na you hold the house key, i for don go leave you”


I sat in the corner of one generator house gladly inhaling the fumes from the generator waiting for my s'tupid friend. Then in another 30 minutes I seemed drunk.

“Abeg I dey go shout for this I’diot, which kin rough play be this one” I moved towards them but from the rare away from their view.

“See two of them head!” I stood by a wooden board beside them, “If I stone them this fufu now them go I wicked”

“stone them na!” The devil told me.

Nice Idea.

I took out one rap of fufu, threw it forcefully at Morley.

“stone the girl na” The devil told me while Morley's hand was on his head crying and searching for who threw the fufu at him.

Another nice idea.

This time I threw two balls of fufu on our virgin.

“Flow you don kill person pekin ooh!” I ran on seeing Grace on the floor almost epileptic.



“You for kill Grace with Fufu that day!”

“Me? kill? Fine girls no dey die na” I stated a law by Flow.

“Eheen, what of that your babe wey you been dey tell me about for phone? Coretha?” Morley asked.

“Coretha? She don die!” How I wished.

"You mean am?"

"Eyaaah!" wetin kill am?" He believed.

"Na fufu" I answered.

"Hahahahahahahahaha!" We both laughed.

“But shebi na you talk now now say fine girls no dey die” He reminded me.

“Coretha no be fine girl na! she wor wor, she be like man”

4kizo:
No update yet?
Flow1759!!!!!!

Come give us some flow, abi 1759 no dey area?

Coming right away

I am available for any sort of writing jobs. You can can reach my management on 08032607611.

Meanwhile if you are an entrepreneur please check my signature.

4kizo:
Flow1759....
My main G, we meet again....
Let the party start


Chai.. Flow1759, you scatter NL that year with your funny nd interesting stories.
What of man wey dey reason, snow, brainbox, snoop and others🤣🤣

My brother 4kizo from day one. You be correct Nigga.

Man wey dey reason dey Owerri he is running his pharmaceutical business, Snow dey act film for Nollywood now, Brianbox dey Aba, i no know wetin him dey do now, Snoop dey serve for jail, everyone dey sha.

“You say you dey Nkpor?” I asked Morley the caller “where be Nkpor?”

I was really happy Morley was in town finally.

Finally we would start a cool money making business in Port Harcourt. Two heads are better one; or rather One small head and One big head are better than just One big head.

Soon I was at Nkpor close to Rumuolumeni Port Harcourt looking for Morley’s shadow.

“Where you dey na, I dey Nkpor now?” I called him on phone.

“Okay, shey you dey see one fast food like that Chicken Hill!” He replied.

That was when I realized our man Morley never meant Nkpor by Nkpolu.

“Guy you don f’uck me up ooh!” I cried, “Na Nkpolu you com dey tell me Nkpor”

Now I was to trek about 2000 metres to Nkpolu Rumuigbo all because I wasn’t with enough money for transport.


“Excuse me………. Excuse me……….” I thought of what to say to the stranger.

“…..please can you help me with like 500 Naira, I am short of cash and I am headed towards Rumuigbo” I asked a man about to open his car door.

“Rumuigbo? I am actually heading towards that direction, enter the car let me drop you” He offered.

“Sir I don’t need to border you, you can just offer me cash let me enter public transport” I said.

“Funny enough I don’t even have cash on me” He smiled, “You are lucky I am heading to that direction, enter the car and lets move”

I was seated in the car cooling-off from the long walk to St. John’s bus stop where I met the good Samaritan and the air conditioning was waving from one of my ear to the other.

Then something cold scrolled down my left ear.

It was wet, like a towel.

Then I heard a click and them some sort of deep breathe.

I swiftly turned to see the huge creature with mouth ajar. I jerked intensely and almost flew out of my seat but was saved by the seat belt I was on.

“Jesos! Jesos! Ayakaaaaaaaa!” I exclaimed in Spanish.

A dog! A big black dog.

“Sorry I didn’t introduce you to my pet Jimmy!” The man said turning to the dog.

"Na your papa you go introduce to dog"

The Dog was a Pitbull, its canine were blood-like brown and sharp at two edges. Its ears were like my scr’otum; fallen.

“So you are a Man United Fan?” The Man noticed I was putting on a Manchester United Jersey.

I was jittery, I could feel my liver shrinking.

“Yes sir I am a Man United Fan!”

I prayed so hard in my heart for the journey to end and I alighted but Ada George traffic said No.

“Port Harcourt is really a fine city, you know so?” The man wanted a conversation by all means.

“Stop!! Stop!!” I yelled as the Dog was tongue-washing towards my head.

“You want me to stop you here?” The man said.

“Yes, No, Yes, No, I mean Yes I want you to stop here, I want to ease myself” I said.

I stepped down from the car swiftly and ran towards a fence and began to rain it on the fence.

“Flow why you no run leave this man and him dog?” I told myself.

“But if you run, na trekking you go trek reach house ooh!” I assured myself.

I was still lost in my thought when a hand tapped me at my shoulder.

“Oboy piss finish make you pay the fine ooh!”

“which fine?” I turned to him.

“See am there!” He pointed at what was written on the fence “Do not urinate here, fine 5000 Naira”

“Seniorman!” I hailed.

“I no be your senior man, just pay your fine!” He had grabbed me by the trouser.

“But I not see this thing wey dem write here when I start to piss ooh!” Truthfully, I never saw anything written on the wall. How do this people do this magic?

“Now you don see am na, e don clear for your eye!” Two other huge men joined him.

“So wetin we go do now wey i don see am?” I asked a stupid question.

“wetin we do be say you go pay the fine, 5k” One smelly mouth guy said, “If you pay we go give you receipt”

“Wetin be your name?” He brought out his receipt book.

I just wished at that point that the voice of the Lord could save me.

“I will pay for him!” I heard a voice and I looked up thinking it was God paying 5k for his dear son.

“I will pay for him!” The man that drove me offered.

He gave the id’iots 5k, entered the car and zoomed off.

The car was 300metres away when I realized Jimmy was still around.

This time our dear Jimmy was on my laps. The same me that just peed and was fined 5k had peed on myself all thanks to Jimmy.

“Why is your trouser wet?” The Man asked as Jimmy return to the back seat.

“Is it not those I’diots that caused it!”



It was 200 years before we reached Nkpolu Junction; my beards were almost gray, or so I thought.

“Morley!” I rushed to hug my dear friend.

Thank you Nairaland for releasing me from ban.

More updates coming soon

If I had sneezed?

“Flow no sneeze ooh!” Eze said as we packed, “As we go pack cloth by your side so, make you no sneeze, make the smell of the cloth no make you dey sneeze anyhow ooh, this Okrika smell fit make you sick”

Legend has it that smelling the fragrance from fairly used cloths called Okrika for up to 5 hours could make one sick. Don't ask me where i got the information from.

Well, if you care to know, I had worn one Okrika cloth without first washing it sometime in 2005, it was barely 3 hours after wearing it before my eyes were swollen, then another 1 hour i was convulsing.

The idea of me sitting at the back of the vehicle packed with cloth was one I never bought from the onset.

“Oboy we don dey reach those Customs their side, no too speed!” Eze told the driver.


“Eeeeh wetin una carry for back seat!” One custom officer said, “wetin dey back seat?”

“Na cloth with my friend dey back” Eze was thinking from the wrong side of his brain, “him name na Flow!”

“Flow abi na crack?” The custom officer returned, “na your friend dey carry crack from Benin enter Nigeria abi?”

I thought I heard the officer said Cat; I was used to the animal already.

“Cat? No be me dey carry Cat ooh” I confessed.

“Come down make I search you! You resemble person wey dey carry crack” Another Officer was in the scene.

“I no dey carry cat ooh!” I had lost my mind.

The two customs officers had finished searching me when I realized it was actually c’ocaine that they searched for.

“Una sure say una no dey hide crack for inside this una cloth?” The fat custom officer said.

“No ooh, this is Okrika cloth, we no dey deal on crack!” Eze said.

“Since una sure say una no dey deal on crack, we go search all the cloth one by one!”

I saw from the corner of my eyes that Eze was relaxed while they searched, so I was relax too knowing we were no drugs dealers.

“we no dey deal on drugs” So I thought.

Few minutes of both officers searching about 20 trousers pockets, then the fat custom officer grabbed one Navy Blue trouser.

“Officer come see this substance ooh” The fat officer shouted, “e be like say na crack!”

I moved closer to see the white substance the rapped paper contained.

“No be crack, e fit be dustin powder!” I was sure. But as the fat Officer tasted the substance I instantly realized I and Eze will soon be in prison with dust as our powder.

“Na crack ooh!”

The Navy trouser that contained the cat; I mean crack was one I could remember.

I instantly flashed back to James saying to Eze the previous day: “Help me keep this Navy Blue Trouser, I don buy am, No sell am, I go collect am from you when I come Nigeria next tomorrow” at the background while I was recording a video of farewell to Benin Republic.



“Officer we no dey sell crack, we be Okrika dealers” Eze cried.

“Officer! Officer! I get evidence say no be us put that crack inside the trouser!” I cried with a loud voice as we were escorted to the cell.

“which evidence?” The officer paused.

“My phone! The evidence dey my phone!” I was shouting, “I video am for my phone.

After showing the Officers the video in my phone where I was saying farewell to Benin and Eze and James talked about the Navy Blue trousers at the background, the officers devised a means for us to capture James the drugs kingpin.

Then we were free.

But not for too long.

We finished purchasing and packaging the cloths we bought at about 7pm and there was no way we could return to Nigeria that late.

“So where we go lodge?” I was tired and hungry.

“No worry I get one friend him go carry us go him village, for him family house na there we go sleep” Eze said gibberish.

“Oboy you no get sense ooh!” You come another country and you wan go person village go sleep” I cautioned.

“I get sense, the guy village make sense, na Nigerian guy be the guy be” Eze assured me.

“Your mumu na grade one ooh, how person from Nigeria go get village for Benin Republic, that thing dey possible?” Was I stupid?

“Yes na, e dey possible! na half Nigerian him be”


In the village there were more semi-wooden houses than brick houses, jalopy park at stone throw in the dusty road. The peppery wind was hurting my eyes. The streets was cold, Then I noticed there were more cats than humans along the road.

“Why cat plenty for this village?” I asked Eze’s friend James.

“The cats na king for this village ooh!” James told us, “Them no dey kill them”

“If you kill them wetin go happen!” I asked.

“If you kill any of them, them go stone you to death”


For dinner, James took us to some fine Boley joint. That night I ate Boley that schooled in Harvard. The ones in Port Harcourt was “Learning work” like a Pitakwa pikin would say.

James told us some funny facts about the village. Facts like there is a particular tribe that entertained their visitors offering their female daughters to the visitors for sex. Facts like you don’t wear white shoes in a particular village.

We reached James home and I was wishing James would offer me his beautiful daughter just like people of the tribe he made mention.

If wishes were horses.

I slept and dream brought James daughter to my arms kissing and c’aressing. Dreamland was taking me to a destination when I felt something crawled passed my waist.

I jerked to reality realizing the “King” had trampled on me.

“Mewwww!” I heard.

“Flow you don die be this ooh! See as cat dey stand ontop your body” My heart had skipped five times and I was on the pool of my urine.

“If I give this cat blow now, I fit kill am!” I told myself.

“If you kill any of them, them go stone you to death” I flashed back to James’ words.

Now, two cats were partying on my body when I suddenly became asthmatic and rheumatic; all of a sudden.

Then I was about to sneeze.

“Flow if you sneeze now them this Cat fit bite you” I concluded.

Thank God I didn’t sneeze.

West of Lagos lies the border called Seme to Benin Republic.

“Flow you go shine your eyes well ooh, we don dey reach the border” Eze began was we walked to the clearance point, “Hope say you carry your passport!”

“Yes na, I carry am!”

Nostalgia for my dear Pitakwa was growing in me as we walked closer to the point where we would be cleared. I missed Boley and Fish head.


Soon we were in the land of Benin Republic.

“Am abroad bro!” I was so full of joy stepping my foot in another man’s land for the first time in my life.

“Flow so you never leave Nigeria all your life?” Eze asked.

“Who tell you, me I don leave Nigeria plenty times” But in my dreams.

“Are you sure?”

“Oga I am sure jor” The only thing i was sure of at that point was that I was abroad. Thats all that matters.

“Okay ooh, I believe you” Eze affirmed, “make we take bike from here go the market wey we go buy the cloth”

Eze had flagged down two bikes and I wondered why two and not one. Was he scared of what my fart could do to him if he sat behind me in the bike?

“Bonjur elle’afrik mon deu baeubeau” I was shocked Eze spoke French.

He spoke French to the bike rider that was suppose to carry me and the rider gestured that I sat for the ride.

Ride of my life. Or rather, My life on a ride.

“Eze you no tell me say you dey speak French ooh” I sat on the bike.

“My Mama na French woman na” He kept that as a secret for a long time.

The bike I sat on zoomed off and I kept my eyes on Eze’s bike in front on us.

“Dey follow their bike ooh, you know say I no know the place wey we dey go” Like the bike rider understood what I said.

I carefully brought out my phone from my pocket to see if there was MTN network in Benin Republic taking my eyes off the road when...…”

“where them Eze bike?” I asked my rider.

Fear had gripped me like the speed of light.

“You know where we dey go abi?” I tapped our bike man.

“belle efeulle!” He answered me.

“who dey talk about belle full here? I dey asked you weda you know the road, you dey talk about bellefull, na Indomie belle full we dey chop here?” I was so scared.

“eba eb’belle efeulle” He was about to stop and I sensed he was confused.

“which one me Eba belle full!” I was going crazy, “we dey talk about food here?”

He stopped the bike and I tried calling our man Eze, his number was not going through at all.

“Celle Eba la belle full!” The bike man signaled that I looked at the persons heading towards us.

“Bonjour!” One of the policemen greeted.

Knowing what Bonjour meant, I responded “Bonjour!”

“How may we help you?” One of the Policemen said.

“Thank God you can speak English” I almost yelled.

I was explaining to the policemen how Eze’s bike had left mine behind and how “our” Indomie Bellefull bike man had missed his turn when gloriously Eze’sbike return to us.

“Guy you no try ooh!” I shouted, “why you do me so!” I almost peed on myself.

“why you do me so” I cried.

But there was more tears. Premium tears.

Dathypebruv:
Flow nwanne i go dey follow u dey go

Still we flow together

I was listening to the night shift radio programme on Nigeria Info PH anchored by Denise and sipping red wine with my room beautifully lighted colour red.

“How I go marry this girl by next two weeks” I was thinking.

“Should I comit murder and kill this Coretha?” No I can’t.

“Should I report her father to the police for forceful marriage” How I go report Army man to police?

“Should I kill Coretha’s father?” With what?

“Should I kill myself?” For what kwanu?

“Should I run away?” Yes I will.

I will run away to a far away land and stay there for months, maybe years.

“I will run away to Owerri!” I told myself.



Two months of staying with my younger sister in Owerri and a lot had changed in the hood indeed.

Coretha’s father had been posted to serve in Abuja leaving with his family.

Fishbone had fully recovered from madness.

1759 viewing centre was on the verge of packing up.

042 never changed.

Baba had two cars now.

Baba Seventy was out of the police cell.

Suliyat my crush married an Imam.

Nas looked fresher with beards.

What about Eze?


“What of Eze?” I asked Nas as we sat at 042 eating.

“Eze don go buy cloth for Cotonuo, na the business him dey do now!”

The business that landed him in trouble later; landed both us in trouble I mean to say.

There is a place called Igbo-Ora in Oyo state Nigeria, a place that has the highest twin birth in the world. Research says Igbo-Ora has twin almost twice the twin population in the whole of Europe.

“shebi if we marry I will born twins for you!” Coretha said to me lying n’aked on the bed.

I touched my gbola to confirm I didn’t make the mistake of not putting on a c’ondom.

“Go born twins for yourself, no be me!”

“I will born you twins like David and Daniel” Coretha smiled.

“Me? Born twins like those two rubbish boys!”


David and Daniel was real life Aki and Paw Paw with a touch of Psquare. I remember one of them selling me a phone and when I returned with the Eba phone……

“…………I say you sell me phone, I reach house I see say na Eba dey inside the battery side”

“Me? No be me sell phone for you ooh!” I guessed it was David that spoke.

This twin was so identical that I often thought their younger brother Joseph was not able to differentiate them sometimes – photocopy twin.

“I say na you!” The tone of his voice sounded like the one that sold me the phone.

“oga no be me ooh, I no dey house since morning, I just dey come from our shop”

“Na you sell me the phone jor” I wasn’t so sure.

Just then the other twin I thought was Daniel stepped in.

“Eheeen, Na you sell the phone for me!” I pointed at Daniel, I mean David, I mean……whatever.

“Me?” He paused, “sell phone for you?”

“Na you na!” At this point my eyes spun from looking at this twin standing in front of me with stern faces.

“Na you na!” I pointed at none of them in particular.

“Na who?” They spoke at the same time.

I took a good look at the both of them and told myself I was sure the chubbier one sold me the phone. But who was chubbier?

“Oboy if you no comot for our front I go pieces your head with two-by-two” The chubbier one threatened.

“Me? You go pieces my head with two-by-two” I said.

“Yes, see the two-by-two here!” One of the twin made me smell the wood he held.

Smelling the two-by-two wood brought me to remembrance.



I remember when Old Soldier struck my head with a two-by-two wood for an offense I didn’t commit.

I and Eze had not yet gone to Alhaja Baba’s first wife to buy some food items when devil entered Eze; the devil of stealing.

Before we got to Alhaja’s shop Eze had told me to stake money that he would steal Peak milk from the shop.

“I dont bet on stealing, I am a christian” I told him before Nas agreed to the bet.

“I go bet you 2k say you no go fit steal Peak milk from Alhaja shop”

“Alhaja abeg give me Coconut” I ordered as we reached the shop, “How much?”

“My Coconut na 300 Naira” Alhaja had gone inside to bring the coconut while I admired Suliyat her Daughter; beautiful as ever. My spec.

I saw from the corner of my eyes that Eze was on his mission already.

“See the Coconut here!” It was Suliyat that handed over the Coconut to me. Suliyat the beautiful angel.

“Gaaaaaaaaamgbummmmm!Glory! Glory!” angels were singing as I lied on the floor helpless. The coconut had left my hand while I couldn’t feel the coconut that made me human - that coconut was bleeding.

“So na you dey thief for this shop?” Someone that looked like Old soldier carried a two-by-two wood close to my nose.

“No be me thief ooh!” My own voice sounded different to me. My head was heavy, my blood spilled more, my stomach rumbled, I thought I had lost my sense of smell.

“Na you! I see you!” Old soldier shouted.

“No be me ooh!” The wood was still on my nose.



“No be me! No be me sell phone for you ooh!” The wood was still on my nose.

“I no like this thing wey una do me so? Na one of una sell this phone for me ooh!” I turned to leave.

The twin from Opobo had scammed “dem Papa” not me.

SunFlow:
Slowly and slowly, our Flow1759 is getting his grove back.

Now, you are flowing just like flow Nwanne

It is intentional.

This story promises to be epic.

That's just the way it is

LarrySun:
I'm here.

Bring those my former fans wey don turn your fans to come and read my story.

Happy Easter to all my Christain readers. Christ is risen.

And to my Muslim readers, peace to you as you observe the holy month of Ramadan.

“Oboy e get one Ogoni girl wey I wan marry!” Eze told me on our way from 042.

“Eheeen! That one good for you be that oooh!”

“I want make you follow me go her village!” He announced.

“Go do wetin? “ I was so curious.

“I wan go see her parents!”

“But why me na?” I have heard so many not-too-good stories about Ogoni land.

“Because na you be my main Gee!” He tapped my back.

“Where she front for Ogoni sef?” I inquired.

“She from Nnowa for Tai”

“Which one be No-way for Tie” I spoke French.

“I say the babe from Nnowa for Tai Local government Area, in Ogoni land” He said.

Ogoni land; a land with milk, honey, roses, and cultism. The land with the highest local government area in the state and with the highest content of oil as well.

There is a secret cult called Debam and there is another called Dewell. Both are headquartered in Ogoni land. The rate of cultism in that land was more of a concern to me than to Rivers state government.

I and Eze set sail to Ogoni land on a Wednesday morning little did we know what was to befall us.

“But this girl wey you dey cheat on like this nahim you wan marry?” I asked Eze as we walked to the bus stop.

“she too dey cheat on me na!” If she was mine, i could cheat on such beauty.


“Beauty! Hello! My name is Flow!” I turned to the damsel seated by my side in the bus.

“Yes! What do you want from me?” She hissed.

“My name is Flow, hope you are Glow? I want us to Flow” The lyrics sounded nicely.

“I don’t care who you are!” She looked more beautiful frowning than smiling.

“why this girl dey answer me like this? Abi my mouth dey smell?” I immediately remembered I forgot to brush my teeth that morning.

“Oboy we never reach?” I turned to the one that could wholeheartedly perceive the bad odour from my mouth. I mean what are friends for?

“we go soon reach, here wey we dey na Akpajo” Eze pronounced it Akpa-ojoo to mean "Bad bag" in Igbo language.

From time to time I would take a quick glance at the damsel to see whether she was admiring the fine boy Flow.

As the vehicle’s speed increased I remembered what one of ex told me about the diabolic “tomorrow far” birthed in Ogoni land.



She said once you mistreat a typical Ogoni man/woman; the type that knows their way back home - such knows there was something called “tomorrow far” to fight for them.

“If you cheat on me for example, I no go talk anything, I go go village go knack you tomorrow far” She told me one night lying on my chest.

“Really? Is this tomorrow far something not too bad?” I asked.

“It is something very bad that will kill you within 24 hours, that is why it is called tomorrow far” My chest was burning at that point, my throat was blocked too, then I coughed.

“why are you coughing? Abi have you cheated on me?” She looked me in my eyes.

“Cheat? Me? No ooh, I have not even thought of it”

Thank God I never cheated on Dumbari, my tomorrow would have been not too far.


“driver slow down ooh, you are driving too fast!” Our damsel said.

“don’t mind him, I don’t know where he is running to!” She looked away like I was a beast.

Looking forward I saw that a trailer had drove One-way maneuvering to contain the space between the road divider and our bus while our driver struggled to maintain his lane as there was a taxi on a higher speed by our right.

“Jesos! Jesos! Jesos!” Our damsel was virtually giving me a hug.

“God save us!” Her jugs were all over me. See me see e’rection.

The screeching of our bus and the taxi beside ours sent shivers down my spine and my e'rection turned confusion.

From nowhere a taxi trying to overtake the trailer ran into us head on.

Was our tomorrow far?

East of Rumuokoro lies a small town with a big heart. Her name is Rumuigbo, she is neither Rumu-near nor Rumu-far from Rumuekini; she is Rumu-in-between. Rumuigbo is the name that befits a place where a psychiatric hospital is situated – children that smokes weed and they should need psychiatric care? Shouldn't they? Well, It is just a stroll away.

“Fishbone don mad ooh!” I cried as I struggled to hold his tied hand in the emergency vehicle taking us to psychiatric hospital Rumuigbo.

“Guy no dey talk like that, him no fit mad!” Nas gave himself an assurance.

“You for kuku join am dey mad” I almost spoke to Nas, “you see say we dey carry person go psychiatric hospital, you dey talk say him no fit mad, you well so?”

“How this thing take happen?” The driver of the emergency vehicle asked.

Fishbone had gone out with Kitizo and friends for a drink that Sunday afternoon, I and Eze was outside playing chess in the evening when a Toyota Camry pulled over in front of us and someone was pushed out. Lo and behold it was Fishbone tattered. Before I and Eze stood to run after the car, it was about 100 metres away so we cared more of our friend not spinning into the nearby gutter.

“Fishbone! Fishbone!” I held him to myself.

“Fishbone! Talk to us na! What is wrong with you?” A funny looking liquid came out of his mouth.

Immediately I perceived Ice cream from his breath, I knew Fishbone was in cloud 12.

Ice cream can make one go to fourth heaven and swim unharmed with the big whales in the deep blue sea. The kind of Ice cream that was capable of burning one’s heart, the kind of Ice cream that could make one see men like trees. The kind of Ice cream that is artistic and painted one’s tongue with the colours of the rainbow with emphasis on Green and Blue. The kind of Ice cream that could make one fly.

“I wan fly! I wan fly so high” We were at Obiwali road Rumuigbo.

“Kai Fishbone! See wetin Kizito don do to you!” I cried.

Kizito! Oh Kizito!!

Kizito is the kind of friend your mother warned you never to hang around.

I remember my first experience with him, it was at the viewing centre when I saw him after the Match between Manchester City and Liverpool sat back while others left wearing a sad face. I thought it was as a result of the fact that his team Liverpool had lost.

“Una don lose, e no gree you stand up go house again” I told him.

“No be the match dey worry me, na this my account!” He brought out his phone.

“which account?” I came to see.

“Na my Facebook account na, my name don change to Elizabeth Berry!” He wept.

“Elizabeth Berry? How na? You be woman?” I held the phone.

“I no know ooh, abi Facebook dey change person name?” He was most high, “How dem go give me another name without my permission?”

“Oboy! Na Hack dem hack your account, Bad guys don hack your account?” I informed him.

“Nawa ooh! Them get mind ooh" His hand was on his head

“No worry guy, just kuku dey bear the name for real life, Elizabeth!”



“Dr. Elizabeth, what if we don’t have the money to make down payment, does it mean treatment won’t start on our friend?” We were at Psychiatric Hospital.

swiz123:
Flow is highly talented

Thank you

Wey my friends ishilove, Larrysun and Maziomenuko dem dey sef

If you know what Selina tested means, let us know.

More updates coming soon.

On my way from my my non-profitable marketing job, I stopped over at Coretha’s since she was home alone.

I knocked at their door and meet with Winky almost immediately.

“wetin you carry!” That was the look the Rottweiler carried.

“Na Herbal drugs wey I dey sell” I explained to the dog.

“wetin you dey find here!” The Dog refused me entrance.

“I come see Coretha my girlfriend!” Mad me talking to an animal.

Sitting in the living room and staring at Captain Oche’s portrait hanged on the wall reminded me of the fact that time was running out on me. I had 3months, 2days, 14hours and 2minutes to become Coretha’s husband since the Captain had fixed date for the wedding already – July 12 I will never forget.

“But I no fit marry this girl na, she be like man!” I was lost in my thought, “and she is even ugly………..”

“……ugly” unknown to me I had spoke out.

“ugly! Who is ugly?” She asked.

“na you na!” I almost said.

“who is ugly!” She asked again.

“Ugly? oooh, is the yam and beans that Nas cooked in the house, very ugly food” I lied.

“Eyaaah! Sorry for the ugly food, oya let me serve you fried Rice and Chicken, the one the maid just cooked” She offered.

“Yes na, of course” I smiled.

“See wetin your mate cook” I said to myself, “Your own na to knack, and mess, make you and your papa com carry me make I marry you na!” The food was so delicious.

“did you make sales today!” Coretha asked.

Since her father gave me Kpito herbal drug to sell so I could raise the bride price, I had sold only three bottles.

“don’t worry I believe in you and I know you will make huge sales!” Her fingers caressed the back of my head, “abi are you not Flow again, you’ve got the flow na!”

“Make you and your papa getout!” I almost said.



I was stopped my Bee’s road block on my way home.

“You! Come! Wetin dey that bag?” Bee asked me.

“Me? Nothing ooh, na herbal drugs wey I go sell” I forced a smile.

One of his boys confirmed and took one of the herbal drugs to commander Bee.

“Kkkkpitto!” Bee struggled to pronounce, “wetin this drug dey work for?”

“E dey work for Malaria, Typhoid, Syphilis, Hypertension and if you no dey perform well for knacking, this drug na for you!” I recited my usual poem.

“Mehnnnn! That mean say I go need am ooh!” Bee said.

“Yes you go need am, its just 1500 Naira!”

“see this one ooh! Who tell you say I go pay!” He revealed his gun, ”abi you wan die”

“How you go pay, I dey mad? I dey joke, na free for you jor!” I had not seen such a sparkling gun all my life.

“Oya bye bye na!” Bee ordered, “Abi you want make we collect your phone join?”

“E no go better for you! Police go arrest you, Your papa go die, Police go comot your teeth for prison, you go die by firing squad!” I cursed inside me as I walked away.



Few hours of nap and someone b’anged on my door.

“who be this one wey wan break my door?” I woke up.

“Flow you dey sleep and the world don dey come to an end” Fishbone said.

“World don come to an end?” I looked to the sky wishing I will be taken up to Glory with the saints. But more importantly had the world came to an end, I would be so glad I didn’t get married to Coretha at last.

“Mumu, no be wetin I mean be that!” Fishbone said, “I mean say Police don arrest Bee”

“You mean am?” I was somewhat happy my prayers were heard, or rather part of my prayers was heard.

“E go no better for you! Police go arrest you, Your papa go die, Police go comot your teeth for prison, you go die by firing squad!”

Two out of five of my prayer points were answered already.

“Wetin make them arrest am? How dem take arrest am?” I asked Fishbone.

Fishbone told me that Chief Tony ordered he should be arrested for beating up his stubborn 20 years old daughter Chiburoma plucking out her teeth. Chief Tony had severally tried to arrest Bee but anytime the police came our dear Bee disappeared. He was Selina tested.

“So how police com take arrest am this time?” I needed to know.

Fishbone told me that the police came equipped with a witch who carried a calabash of fire on her head. The calabash of fire was used to neutralize the potency of Bee’s voodoo before they invaded his hideout. He couldn’t disappear, he couldn’t even run; his legs were chained spiritually.

“….so people dey go him house go collect all their things wey him collect for their hand” Fishbone said, “Me I don go collect one bag of rice there ooh!”

I was sure my Kpito would be recovered.

In my next post, something very bad happened to Bee.

Watch out!!

Meanwhile if you are a business owner, check my signature.

“na me be Bee! I dey bite person and nobody fit bite me!” Bee entered 1759 viewing centre with a gun, “who be APC here?”

The ambiance was like the viewers were all on Intensive Care all of a sudden.

This happened in an era when PDP was on the verge of continuing its leadership of Rivers state for another four years and election was in few weeks.

All of a sudden someone stood up and said, “we no dey do PDP and APC thing here, na ball we come watch!”

“Who talk that thing?” Bee who was about to leave the viewing centre returned.

“Na me talk am!” Sammy affirmed.

What followed was like in the movies.

I saw wonders.

Bee shot at Sammy and the bullet fell to the ground when Sammy chanted some strange words.

There was stampede in the viewing centre and quickly Bee ordered his boys to shut the door so everyone would be witness to the murder of fetish Sammy.

“Today na today!” Bee boasted before speaking to his gun.

At that point my temperature had risen to about 750 degrees. I had peed on myself lying down. I had forgotten to save the “lives” of my TVs; saving my own life was more important.

Bee shot twice to Sammy, then from the corner of my eyes I saw Sammy dancing a funny dance while the bullets vanished.

Beside me was Eze saying “Jesus save us ooh!” Look who was calling on Jesus to save him; a f’ornicator.

Lying down by my right was Nas the messing machine who had farted and my lungs were packing up as a result.

Nas and farting dangerously when ever Bee came around was something else.



I remember one night when Chelsea played against Manchester United and the crowd at the viewing centre was something else so I needed at extra hand to control the crowd.

That was the night one slap would have killed Nas.

He was at the door while I was few centimeters away when Bee came.

“Oga enter inside!” He said to Bee.

“I no go enter inside!” Bee returned.

“Oga, I say make you enter inside, no block road!” He said.

“I say I no go enter inside, you know me?” Bee inquired.

“I no know you!” Nas had heard of the Notorious Bee but had not seen him physically.

“Okay, make I introduce myself, na me be Dead body!” What an introduction.

“Dead body! If you like make you be Dead pig, that one no concern me!” Nas returned, “just enter inside!”

The volcano eruption as a result of the slap Nas received almost caused me kidney failure due to the unending farts that followed.



Bee shot two more times at Sammy before he ordered his boys to bring him.

If there is 042 close to your house, you are blessed ooh

More updates to follow.

“Oboy make we just open that business for Port Harcourt, e go make sense!” I was on the phone with my childhood friend Morley.

“Okay later na!” I hung up.

Me and Morley had agreed to set up a computer centre where we would train student on the basic computer skills alongside run a modern internet café/printing shop.

After the call I realized worms were singing in my stomach.

Along the road leading to Aluu was a joint – a joint for porridge beans called 042 owned by Obuisi.

It was exactly 11am when I strolled into 042 looking so tired from searching for buyers of a product I marketed.

I dilly dallied for a while thinking of what would become of me should I not marry the love of my life Coretha within a space of six months. Her father will kill me.

“Look, I give you six months, if you don’t marry my daughter hmmmmm, you are doomed!” Coretha’s father had threatened three days ago, “You will not like yourself ooh!”

I was still lost in my thought when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Eze.

“Flow why na!” He muttered, “Why you com wear this shirt na! na customer own na, shebi I tell you say na customer own”

Eze owned a laundry shop; a one of a kind laundry shop. He is good at what he does and cloths given to him are uniquely done I must say. He does home delivery and pick-up.

Pick up? You must pick up your cloth from his shop before it stays 3 months there, or else……..

Or else……

It might as well not be yours again; your cloth will have a new owner.


I remember returning from church one sunny afternoon putting on a well ironed blue short-sleeve senator wear and someone walked to me.

“This cloth looks like my own!” The man managed to smile.

“No ooh, its not yours, its mine!” I was speaking English.

“It really look like my cloth, I have been looking for for a long time!” He felt the material.

“Oga wetin be all this one na, I say no be your own!” I changed to pidgin English.

“Are you sure? Its exactly the same design as mine” I felt cold shivers.

“Oga why are you embarrassing my husband na” Coretha was right behind us.

“Sorry madam, what your husband is putting on looks exactly like one of my senator I had lost”

“Well sir, it is not yours, this one I sewed it for him, I am a tailor!” Coretha lied.

“Okay madam, I see, I guess you copied my style” The man forced a smile.

“Yeah, I copy styles online and sew for my husband!”

Coretha the genius saved me. I would have been lynched.

“But wait ooh who be your husband? I be like person wey wan marry you?” I was smiling at Coretha in gratitude.



“no vex na, all my cloth dirty and I need to go see one customer wey wan buy my product!” I pleaded.

“Guy this cloth wey you wear so, the man wey get am dey stay around here, him fit waka pass here now!”

“Abeg him fit no waka pass here, no fear!” I assured him, “Obuisi abeg give me and Eze mess formula”

**You should know what mess formula means na. Abi you dey whyne me ni**

Two plates of very hot mess formula were in front of us and I ordered we were also served two bottles drink too.

“Flow!!!! Flow!!! See the man wey get this cloth wey you wear!” I heard.

Quicker than Usain Bolt, I ran to hide in a cubicle where Obuisi stored pots.

The owner of the cloth came to buy beans as takeaway yet he sat for a while making a call.

The call had lasted for more than 10 minutes as tears was almost running down my eyes when I saw from where I hid that Eze had finished his plate of beans and started with mine.

“what a wicked world! Food wey I buy for this I’diot, e don dey chop my own!” I cried.

“Oga dem your cloth don ready ooh” Eze said to the man.

“Okay I will come and collect them this evening!” The man’s phone rang again.

Our man was on another call and my legs were shaking from standing for too long.

Eze was on my drink this time.

“People bad sha! Na him go pay for the food and drinks” I said to myself, “Thank God say I never pay”

About 12 minutes had gone by and I could stand no more, so I told myself I would sit down on the small cupboard I saw there, albeit I noticed the frame was not strong enough to carry my weight.

I sat for about 2 minutes when the cupboard upper frame caved in and my butt sank into a hot pot of beans.

That night my n’aked body lied down making sure my butt was directly under the ceiling fan as I wept wishing I never wore another man’s cloth.

swiz123:
Your writing is still as sharp as always, but more consistency is needed. That's why traffic is low.

More update coming up tonight

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Tell us where you represent for Pitakwa.

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