₦airaland Forum

I say with no equivocation that my nervous system was failing me as I perceived the stench in the cell.

“Wey una entrance fee?” One gatekeeper demanded.

“Make una bring una money jor!” Another shouted, “No entrance fee, una no go enter!”

“Make una wait!” Fishbone shouted, “Una no know me? Na me na, Fishbone!”

“Ooooh! Biskit bone! Na you be this?” One of them noticed.

“Na me na, respect to all of una, I salama for una, una face show, una shoe shine and una teeth sef white” Fishbone removed his face cap and shake hands with all of them.

“Baba na Biskit bone, him come with them him friends!” One of them ran to inform their royal majesty at the extreme of the room.

“Where Joe? Them don release am?” Fishbone asked as he sat down.

“Yes na, na day before yesterday them release am!” One guy with tattoo of Christ the Redeemer in his chest informed him.

“Make all of una sit down, wetin we go offer una” That was when I realized that their royal majesty was the notorious Baba Seventy.

“Eeeeh! Flow! Wetin carry you come here?” I offered to shake hands with the king but his guards struck my hands.

“Na this guy wey go carry igboh enter motor wey we dey drive come back from my birthday celebration before police carry us land here” I turned to Ngoyie.

“oooh! Today na even your baiday! Everybody make we sing baiday sing for am!” Baba Seventy commanded.

“Happy baiday to you………. Happy baiday to you………….” Never have I heard such sonorous voice before, one of them even crowned the song with a rap verse. My heart gladdened; I was fulfilled I was celebrated even in prison.

“Eheen Flow who dey on top table for Premier League sef” Baba Seventy asked me.

“Na Man City ooh, them no gree anybody to overtake them”

“Where Chelsea dey for table?” He further asked.

“Chelsea? Them dey 8th position”


“Baba make I tell them the rules for here na!” The PRO said to Baba Seventy.

“Oya tell them the rules and regulation”

The PRO cleared his throat before he commenced.

“Our Baba na our Lord for this place, nobody go disobey am, anybody wey disobey am go go find another cell wey him go stay”

“If you mess for here you go pay 2k! 2k per mess” So I no go fit mess in peace again, I told myself.

“We dey wash toilet once a week, if na your turn to wash, you must wash am, if you no wash am, hmmmm! You go sleep for toilet for two days”

“Everybody must sleep by 10pm, If you dream bad dream for night, we get Pastor Johnbull wey go interpret am for you” Joseph is here too, I said to myself.

“morning devotion na 6am everybody must wake to pray, one Christian and One Muslim go pray for us every day” So prisoners pray too, how do they even know the time, I wondered.

“If you go toilet and you no flush well, you go drink one cup of Baba piss…….”

“You say wetin?” Nas almost screamed.

“I say if you go toilet and you no flush well you go drink Baba piss or pay 2k fine” Thank God there was a fine attached.

“If your people for outside bring food for you or police buy food for you, Baba get half of the food!” Fair enough.

“If you wan call your people, phone dey here, 500Naira per minute call!” He lowered his voice as he said that.

“If you need boxers, Emeka dey sell boxers 2k for one” Na everything be 2k here? I almost asked. Igbo men can make money anywhere, as sure as I was that I must patronize Emeka, I was also sure he paid for his advert to be placed as one of the rules and regulations of the cell.

“And the last rule for here…….If them release you from here you must send us food like two times, or else if you come back here, we go drill you wotowoto!” Me? come back here? maka why na?

Too many rules I promised not to break.

“wetin una carry!” One of the policemen called.

“Officer we no carry anything ooh, we carry ourself” Fishbone said.

“Okay I wan search una” The short policeman said.

“search us!” Ngoyie virtually shouted.

“Why you dey shout Ngoyie” Nas said from the front seat where he sat without knowing what was happening at the back, “make them search us na, we no carry anything na”

Speak for yourself Nas, Speak for yourself. From the corner of my eyes I noticed Ngoyie was fidgety and was searching for where to hide the bag he carried; that was when it dawned on me that we were doomed.

“You! wetin dey that bag?” One of the policemen yelled.

“Na na na na Vegetable….. Ugu” Ngoyie stammered.

“Which kin Ugu? You be farmer?” The tall policeman queried.

“No ooh, my Papa nahim be farmer” I instantly knew the content of the bag was the kind of vegetable that could be smoked. Five leaves vegetable.


“Eze see the kind problem wey you come put us into” Nas cried, “you carry igboh dealer enter this motor”

“I no know say him dey deal on Igboh na”

“Oga Ngoyie, why you no tell us say you carry igboh”

“I no know say we go see police na”

We were all scared.


“Oya Gentlemen, you all are under arrest for dealing on drugs” The short Policeman announced.

“Drugs!” Burkutu had cleared from my eyes, I could see clearly.

“Igboh no be drugs na!” I heard Eze said.

“hmmm! Wetin be igboh na, sugarcane abi?” I muttered.


If you stay in Pitakwa then you will agree with me that there are two most dreaded police stations that criminals preferred they died than being looked up in; Kala and Choba Police stations. Choba police station seemed finer on the outside and ugly on the inside while Kala police station was ugly on the outside and ugly on the inside – so said Fishbone who have lodged in both stations five times each.

“Make una no worry una go see my cousin Joe for inside the cell if we reach Choba police station” Fishbone assured us, “Joe go do us well”

I felt like biting Ngoyie’s big Nose for putting us through pains just because he was the Jonah in our boat, but i dared not save i died poisoned.



“Oya make una off una clothe!” At the station one policeman commanded.

Just then I remembered I was not putting on boxers and I explained to the policeman.

“mister man that means say you go n’aked enter cell be that” The policeman informed, “Those bad criminal wey dey there go use your b’lockos do suya”

“Officer make I wear my jeans enter na” I begged.

“No way! if you no get boxers then you go n’aked enter” Hearing that sent shivers down my spine.

“Oya Officer abeg make I give you money make you buy boxers for me na!” I offered.

“Well, make I just pity you, bring am!” He agreed.

“How much I go give………” Just then Nas cut.

“…….Flow no worry I go give you one of my boxers, I wear two”

“Taaaaaaaa! Me wear your boxers? I dey mad?”

Nas was not unhealthy with his under wears; he uses them to bring down pot from fire and to kill mosquitoes. I guess his boxers were insecticides.

“Officer abeg how much I go give you for the boxers?” I asked.

“One boxers na 3k, na original boxers I go give you”

“Officer I get 2k here, help me abeg” I offered.


Soon, the policeman returned with a dusty piece of clothe that I mistook for a cut-out from mosquito net and handed it to me as the boxers he bought.

“Officer this thing no be boxers na, this thing na p’ant, and e dey dirty” I wept.

“You no happy say you see boxers wear, if you enter n’aked, you know say some of those criminals there them never dey with woman for a long time, this you n’yansh go go well ooh!” He smacked my a’rse.

“Na your papa n’yansh go go well!” I almost said.

I thought I left planet earth when I entered the cell.

Where my Pitakwa people?

Funny Ngoyie, who knows what "Secure the back" means?

hart12:
Flow i like the vibes. But what if we take the story to another dimension. Like taking up one of the character and you finishing up with the rest.and i am very conversant with those hoods you mentioned, i am currently residing in mile 3..., just let me know if you are okay with the idea?

How do you want it?

Driving home, the road seemed wider and big vehicles seemed bigger. Billboards and streetlights were blurry. I often forgot where the brake was; stepping on my left foot with my right from time to time.

“Flow slow down” Fishbone warned, “You too dey speed”

A huge truck obstructed my overtaking at Obiwali road Rumuigbo; it drove at the middle of the road and no vehicle dared overtook.

“See this ba’stard ooh!” Nas said, “Flow overtake the mumu jor”

“Why your papa no come overtake am?” I returned.

“Wetin bring my papa come this one na”

“Flow!! Match brake! Match brake” I heard Eze screamed. Yet I stepped on my left foot before bring the car to a stop with a loud screech.

“Wetin happen na!” Why you go tell am to match brake like that na!” Fishbone cautioned.

“Wait na, I see one of my friend, Ngoyie! Ngoyie!” Eze called out.

A fair tall guy was in the car before I noticed his nose was as big as our church lead microphone.

“You wan breathe all the air wey dey this world?” I focused on the two dark tunnels he carried called nostrils.

“I thought they said there was light at the end of the tunnel?” Ngoyie’s was a tunnel at the end of the light; two tunnels I mean to say.

“Ngoyie how far na, long time!” Eze said to Ngoyie.

“I dey fine ooh” Our dear Ngoyie had bad breath too, so I made sure there was cross ventilation before I zoomed off.

“Wait ooh!” I paused, “Your name na Ngoyie?”

“Yes na, you like the name?”

“No ooh, I mean Yes I like the name, e remind me of my childhood friend him name na Ngoyie too”

Ngoyie a.k.a Kalabari fowl n’yansh.

I smiled as I remembered I and Ngoyie’s ordeal a day to his 15th birthday back then in the barracks.




“Ngoyie come first, wetin be Oluu Lajor” I asked Ngoyie as I walked out of Mama Ojonugwa’s rest place under the tree close to her house.

“Oluu Lajor? Olu na, that our guy wey we dey go play ball for him compound na, that fat guy” He answered, “But I no know weda him papa name na Lajor ooh, when we go there we go ask am”

“You be original mumu, how mama Ojonugwa go tell me make I go mama Caro place go bring Olu, e make sense to you?” I said, “Mama Ojonugwa say make I go mama Caro saloon go collect Oluu Lajor for her hand, no be Olu abeg”

“Oluu Lajor??” Ngoyie was as confused as I was, “wetin be Oluu Lajor?”

“Make we go first, maybe Oluu Lajor na type of relaxer for hair” I was sure.



“Mama Caro! Mama Ojonugwa say make you give me Oluu Lajor” I sang as we reached.

“Wetin be Oluu Lajor?” I was surprised when Mama Caro asked.

“Oluu Lajor na!” I returned, “abi Oluu Lajor no be type of relaxer again?”

“which kin relaxer you dey talk?” Mama Caro’s face turn pale.

“Foreign relaxer na!” Ngoyie whispered to me.

“Abeg go confirm wetin dem send you jor” She chased us.


“Mama Ojonugwa abeg wetin you say make we collect from mama Caro?” We had reached Mama Ojonugwa’s house.

“I say, tell mama Caro make she give you Oluu Lajor…..Lajor” She made us more confused, “I wan use am cut something”

“But Ngoyie them no dey use relaxer cut something na!” I wondered as we walked back to Mama Caro.

“Maybe Oluu Lajor na type of knife!” Ngoyie suggested.



“Mama Caro! Mama Ojonugwa say make you give us Oluu Lajor!” Ngoyie spoke.

“make una see me see this children ooh! Which one be Oluujor!” We were getting on her nerves.

“Oluu Lajor na Knife na!” I informed her.

“So na me una dey use play this una small pikin play abi?” She spanked me, “Instead of una to say una want knife, una dey say una want Oluujor”

“Sorry ma, na Oluu Lajor be the type of knife wey we want” I spoke.

“Caro abeg go bring knife for kitchen for them” She said to my crush Caro who waved at me before going to bring the Oluu Lajor knife.



“Mama Ojonugwa, see the knife!” I handed the knife to the one that sent me.

Before I could wink my eyes I heard “kpoooowaaaiiii!” and NTA 9 O’clock news instrumental sounded twice in my subconscious.

“Mama Ojonugwa wetin I do na! why you slap me!” I heard Ojonugwa her daughter laughing at me.

“So you Mumu boy, you no know wetin be Oluu Lajor” She manhandled my left ear and dragged me along, “Oya make we dey go mama Caro place”

Ngoyie the st’upid friend of mine saw the opportunity to quickly say some sweet words to his crush Ojonugwa while Mama Ojonugwa dragged me along.

“I’diot boy, you dey talk to women there and them they draw my ear abi” I shouted.

“Dey go I dey secure the back for you” Till today I can’t seem to understand the meaning of those words.

“Dey secure your papa back!” I cried.


Welcome to Nigeria where a brand name could take the name of a commodity it stands for. Indomie stood for Noodles, Maggi stood for Seasoning, Rub stood for Balm, Razor stood for blade, Klin stood for Detergent and so on.


We were at Mama Caro’s saloon when I could feel blood wasn’t flowing around my ear lobe; it was like a butterfly perched by the side of my head.

“mama Caro I send Headmaster make you give am Oluu Lajor” Mama Ojonugwa said, “why you com give am knife na”

I wasn’t the head managing any school, the size of my head gave that name to me, and I was deputized by my younger brother named Headboy. If Headboy gives your head a header while fighting with you, then consider your head useless for the next six months, but if Headmaster gives you a header consider your head useless for one year. Imagine if both gives you a header; forget it, you don’t have a head no more.

“No ooh, na Headmaster tell me say Oluujor na knife ooh” My Caro responded, “So I give am knife”

“Oluu Lajor nahim I send am no be knife!” Mama Ojonugwa said as I saw Ngoyie eyeing Ojonugwa.

“Ngoyie no be you tell me say Oluu Lajor na knife!” I cried with a loud voice farting silently.

“No ooh, no be me ooh” Look who I called my friend.

“Eheen, If Oluu Lajor no be knife, wetin be Oluu Lajor sef!” Mama Caro was curious; me too was curious.

“Lajor na, you no know Lajor blade!” My heart sanked, “Lajor blade, the Oluu wan!”

What this Igala accented women put me through all because she wanted old Razor blade.




In front of us by UD filling station near Nkpolu junction two policemen were signaling we pullover.

SunFlow:
Flow Nwanne!

You be Man wey dey reason

“Flow Adamu for kill ooh, If no be say Fishbone come save you”

“I think say you get black belt for Kung fu!” Eze who just came laughed.

“Him get black belt, Adamu get Green belt and dagger” Nas too laughed at me.

“Ehen wetin make Adamu wan beat you sef?” Fishbone was curious.

“ehnnn, ehnnn, ehmnnn, him no get sense jor” That was all I could say.

“Guys I bring 404 come!” Eze brought out the content of his bag.

Brukutu is best served with Dog meat a.k.a 404 when compared to suya, or so I thought – the friction at which the Dog meat easily slips though one’s throat is second to none. Combining both Dog meat and suya was world class.


I was on my second calabash after Adamu scenario and continued thinking of “Wetin Baba God don do for Flow so far”

I remembered when Baba God saved me from drowning in a flooded gutter. That day the water from the gutter tasted like fine wine. That was on 34th birthday.

I flashed back to frog jumping up to 300 times just because I wanted to pay my girlfriend Coretha a surprise visit in her residence in the barracks on my birthday. That was on my 33rd birthday.

I remembered smoking weed and going fishing in a swimming pool on my 32nd birthday.

I couldn’t forget being chased by a dog and ran into a big pot of beans cooked by Teekay at the O42 restaurant. The dog bit me and by b’utt got burned too. I was bedridden for the rest of my 31st birthday and two week after.

I remember my own birthday cake almost killing me on my 30th birthday. I thought it was poisoned and I arrested the caterer.


“Make we dey go house!” Eze said, “I carry that my Uncle car come, but I don too high, who go drive us”

“Me sef don take five calabash of BKT, I no go fit drive” Fishbone said.

“Me I no dey see clear again” Nas said.

“Flow you no too drink na, na you go drive us go house” Fishbone declared.

“Yeeaah! The birthday boy will drive us home!” Eze said as he handed over the car keys to me.

One birthday too many.

“Fishbone today na Flow birthday ooh!” Nas announced in the morning of June 23, 2019.

“ehen! Hope say him go celebrate am?” Fishbone needed to know.

“Oboy I no go celebrate anything ooh” I informed them, “No money for any celebration”

“Flow why you go talk like that na!” Nas said “Big boy like you”

“I no be big boy abeg!”

“Flow no worry I go sponsor us, make we go drink Brukutu for Bori camp” Fishbone offered.

Brukutu taken in Bori camp is five times as intoxicating as whiskey and vodka combined.


We sat at Madam Maimuna Brukutu, and as I took a huge gulp from my second calabash I began to think of God’s goodness in my life all these years; tagged "wetin baba God don do for Flow so far".

“Flow go buy suya come na” and indeed when this substance Brukutu is taken along it’s sister suya, it is heavenly.

“Buy suya 2500 Naira” Fishbone offered me money.


At Adamu suya stand, I met with the usual queue.

“Wetin this guy dey put for him suya wey dey make people dey rush am like this” I asked myself as I stood waiting for my turn.

Legend has it that Adamu sold us flesh from a dead human little wonder his meat tasted amazingly delicious - what business of mine was that, as far as I ate the meat with legendary Brukutu I was safe of any health hazard. Or so I thought.

“Adamu give me suya 2k, testing 500 Naira!” I thought it wasn’t me that said that.

“Which one be testing 500 Naira, you go say suya 2500 Naira!” Adamu corrected.

“No be wetin I mean, I want suya 2k and testing 500 Naira” I sure wanted to cheat my friends who were waiting for me to come with suya of 2500 Naira.

“I no dey sell testing” Adamu said.

“But na wetin I want, give me as I want am, customer is always right” I moved closer.

“Oga I go behave for myself ooh” Adamu made a statement that confused me totally.

“Behave! No wonder! I talk am say you get bad behavior!” I was speaking under the influence of Brukutu the destroyer.

“I dey mad? Who get bad behavior? Na me get bad behavior?” Adamu was furious.

“Na you say you get bad behavior na” Alcohol was having a filled day with me.

“I dey curse me fa!” Adamu came closer.

“Na you dey curse yourself na” My eyes were blurred

When a shinny dagger was pulled out my blurry sight saw HD.

WAACUT:
Flow welcome back.... continue the good work

Thank you for being a fan

“Old soldier no be me thief the plantain ooh” I cried tied rolling on the floor, “Na this idiot!”

“Na lie ooh, old soldier na Flow say make we go pluck the plantain ” Nas lied.

I saw one ant crawled towards me from Nas’s side - a big ant, but I ignored because I was more interested in Old soldier’s wrath than an ant that I could easily crush.

“Una go see wetin I go do una today” Old soldier threatened, “I go cut una gboola”


“Yeaeeeeeeeeeeh! My priiiiiick, ant” I tried to free myself.

“wetin dey do this one! Ant dey bite you?” Old soldier noticed I was dying yet couldn’t help myself because I was tied.

“my priiiick! Old soldier help me scratch my prrriiiick” I cried bitterly, “ant dey there!”

Old soldier had taken off my short and searched foolishly for my p’enis, was he blind? Or had he turned albino?

I could feel the hottest of the machete Old soldier held, “that no be my priiiick na, na my nyansh be that na”

“Old soldier the ant not dey my nyansh, e dey my priiick” I cautioned.

“I know but I wan use this hot knife burn your nyansh for thiefing my thing” He returned.

“Old soldier no be me thief your thing, na Nas” I cried fidgeting.

“hmmmmmnnnn, see as your nyansh dey smell sef, hmmmnnn, you dey clean your nyansh anytime wey you s’hit so?”

“No, Yes, No, I mean yes, I dey clean my nyansh” My muscle was pulling.

“No worry when I put this hot knife inside your nyansh, the nyansh go clean!” Old soldier offered, “who senior for una two sef?”

“Na Nas senior sir!” I shouted.

“Na Flow senior me!” Bloody liar that was three years older than me.

“Old soldier no mind am na him senior me ooh, them born am 1984 and born me 1987, na him senior me!” My stomach rumbled.

“Na lie na Flow senior me!” I let out a half-baked fart.

“Na Nas senior me!” I saw Old soldier making the machete hotter in the fire.

“Flow, na you senior me ooh!” Nas cried.

“Nas, Na me senior you ooh!” I contradicted what I insinuated.

“Eheeeen! Na you senior be that na!” Old soldier grabbed me closer to the hot knife and I let out a full-baked fart.

In 1991 something remarkable happened in my life.

Forget about 1991, in 2018 when I was broke in July something else happened.

“Oboy this plantain don ripe ooh” Nas told me.

“Yes na e ripe well well” I returned but no be our own “I looked away”

“Guy make we go thief this plantain, e go make sense if we cook plantain porridge if we reach house” Nas assumed.

“You no know who get this farm?” I queried, “Na old soldier get am ooh”


Our dear soldier was far from being a soldier; he was a mad soldier.

People thought old soldier was mad, if you ask me I will say he was madder than what the people say. He was a bus stop thug a.k.a Agbero, a bus conductor, a farmer, a businessman, a sport enthusiast, a lecturer and a mad man.

Yes, if madness was a profession then old soldier was a master degree holder in the profession.


“so how we go take cut this plantain now” I was scared, so scared, “no cutlass”.

“No worry I fit cut plantain without cutlass” Nas assured.

“How na?” I almost asked.

I quickly glanced at my wrist watch to see it was one hour past 17:59pm; we were walking into a dark bush.

There could be a snake around waiting to sting our heels, or so I thought.

“oboy I dey fear ooh”

“Guy no fear, you be woman?” He always said that but oftentimes at the wrong time.

“See wetin go happen ehnn, if I cut the plantain one one, I go dey throw am give you” Like I was Italian Buffon in the goal post.


Soon Nas was plucking the plantain one after the other out of the bunch. He had thrown three plantains to me which I caught excellently when I heard a loud scream.

“Yeaaaaeeeeh!”

“Oboy you dey okay?”

“Ant ooooooooh” Nas screamed louder “Antttttt, I don die ooh”

“Ant?” I was confused.

I thought of running to Nas and “his” ants, then thought otherwise for the sake of my precious s’crotal sack, yet my friend’s s’crotal system was on fire.

“fire ooh, fire ooh! Fire!” Nas cried with a loud voice.

Fire and ants; was there a correlation? So I thought.

“Flow help me ooh” Now fear was written all over me.

I was sweating, jogging, farting, and crying all at the same time.

The moment I saw Nas fell and was rolling on the ground then I knew we needed fire extinguisher.

Running to the road I met a soldier.

Old soldier.

SadiqAdnan98:
The story dey flow well N O R M A L ..

but i wish eee fit Flow like the way Man Wey Dey Reason flow..

Okay, it will i promise

Far be it from me to follow evil or learn evil from friends.

“Oboy make we arrange this Indomie wella na” My cousin Snow came visiting one Saturday.

Arranging noodles wella meant just one thing - it meant enriching the meal with "vegetable"; fresh vegetables that have the tendencies of making one fly.

“Make una no put this thing for this indomie na” I pleaded.

“Guy today na Saturday, make we put this thing high and sleep wella” Snow said.

Soon Nas had fetched the vegetables.

“Guy this thing go too much ooh!” I feared.

“make we put am like that jor, e go make us high sleep wella” Snow the medical practitioner, “and our brain go function wella”

My brain was functioning well I was sure, for Nas and Snow, I was sure their brains needed some boost.


Two spirit beings advised me as I was about to eat from the plate of noodles in front of me; one on my left and the other on my right.

“guy no chop this food” The spirit on the right advised.

“no mind am guy chop am, e go make you high!” The spirit on the left countered.

“If you chop this food you go damage your brain ooh”

“If you no chop this food your brain no go sharp ooh!”

“If you chop this food your system go weak ooh”

“If you no chop this food your heart no go function well! Its good for the heart!”

“If you chop this food you no go fit go church tomorrow ooh”

“no need to go church………”

“…... oooooooh! make una stop all this argument!” I yelled.

Eze entered arguing football with Snow.

“Yes make we stop the argument and make we shawling.

I wouldn’t have shawling that food if i had known.

The day I almost died.

It was a sunny afternoon in Pitakwa when I arrived my business place.

My laptop had packed up the previous night; my photocopier all of a sudden was drunk of 1759.

No laptop, no photocopier meant no business.

“How I go chop today!” I was thinking.


Meanwhile, across the road, in front of Josh supermarket there was a gathering; a gather of saints. Worshipers of Saint Bottles Cathedral Rumuekini parish.

“I say you no go fit finish Four black bullet!” I heard Surveyor said.

“I go finish am!” I heard Osato boasted.

The blacker the bullet, the sweeter the juice. Something told me that black bullet wouldn’t harm me, more so Four Cans.

“Nobody go fit finish Four Cans of black bullet!” Surveyor said, “In fact any body wey go fit finish am, I go give the person 5k!”

“I go fit drink Four Can” I crossed to meet them.

I was two Cans down and quickly flashed back to when Ola offered Nas 4k should he finish 3 Cans of same Black bullet and stood strong. I remember Nas gave up on his first Can and told Ola he needed part payment. A fight followed and Ola beat the living day light off Nas.
Nas was unconscious for about 30 minutes and when his eyes were open again, the first thing he said was “I give up”

I was not giving up on the third Can when I heard “thnggggggg!” a bell rang in my head as I yawned twice.

“This one wey you dey yawn, you wan sleep?” Ola laughed, “abi you give up like Nas?”

I was never giving up and nothing was stopping me from reaching my mark.

I had drunk three Cans and was on the fourth when I started hearing songs.

“who dey sing!” I turned.

“Sing? Nobody dey sing ooh!” Osato was surprised.

What black bullet had done to a lot of men in the vicinity was disastrous.

Osato’s was a defecating case, Josh’s was a drainage water-bathing case, Nas was a giving up case.

What case was I to face?

One of the rules of the bet states that the drink must not be spilled, not even a drop.

I was 159 drops close to becoming 5k richer when I heard bells ringing in my head.

“who ring bell?”

“Nobody ring bell!” Ola assured me.

I saw angels and demons, I had turned deaf, I saw men like trees.

“Flow! You dey alright” Surveyor held my right hand.

I was growing wings.

I believed I could fly, I believed I could touch the sky, I was spreading my wings.

“Flow you no go fit fly na, you no be bird!” I heard Osato’s voice slightly.

Then I flew.

“I say Chelsea go win this match!” Seventy said to Biodun at the football viewing centre.

“which kin Chelsea? Man city don win una already!” Biodun replied.

Seventy was far from being 70 years old, when he was younger he always told his friends he would die on his 70th birthday that he always prayed to God that he shouldn’t live beyond 70 years his reasons being that he couldn’t picture himself being taken care of by people when he grows old and sick.

Biodun came so close to cutting short the agreement Seventy had with his creator.

“I go cut your throat ooh” Seventy threatened.

Soon two short knives were out, everywhere was scattered, elephant stampede, everyone had missed Man city’s goal.

The two slaughter boys had knives on their throats.

“Flow see people dey fight for your viewing centre you no fit go separate them” Eze said rubbish.

“why your papa no go separate them!” I heard something shattered.

My TV!

“Oboy, armed robbers don dey this compound ooh” I was jittery.

Nas hung on the wardrobe amongst the covered suits and my goodness he looked so much like my dusty black suit.

“guy go open the door, e be like say them don dey come close to our door” he noticed.


“open the door na, open am!” We heard.

“Open wetin, my hand don gum here!”

“wetin be that one? Open door jor” One of the robbers ordered, “yeee! Oboy, my hand don gum!”

“make una help us ooh!” we heard, “mogbe ooh!”

“Oboy wetin dey happen for outside! Which hand gum?” I asked the dusty black suit beside me.

“make we go na, make we go see!” dusty black suit replied.

It took 45 years for us to get to our door and 55 years to open.

What we saw after 100 years of dilly-dallying was like in the movies; Nollywood precisely.


“Oboy abi my eye dey pain me!” I said.

The robbers mission was to steal Baba’s car but their plan failed woefully. They were all stuck to the car as they tried to open the door.

“I tell you say make we no come thief this motor, you no hear me, now see us na!” One of them cried.

“shut up jor, see your head” The other one returned.

“Shey una get mouth dey talk abi!” Nas attacked.

“oboy make we remove this their mask, I wan see their face!” I was curious.

Baba was out in no time to help remove the masks on the robbers.

“orobajaja bajaja!” The incantation came out of Baba’s mouth then he gave each of the robbers a broom.

“Oya begin to the sweep!” he commanded.

“Oboy see Ebuka Fishbone friend ooh” I noticed.

The hatred Fishbone had for Baba was something out of this world. It started when Fishbone tried his luck on Baba’s youngest wife and slept in the police station for two weeks as a result.

“But why Fishbone go send thief to thief Baba motor?” I wondered as I watched Ebuka one of the robbers swept his portion of the compound skillfully.

“see this Ebuka get mind ooh” Nas said.

Soon police officers were around to arrest the sweepers, the robbers I mean to say.

I and Eze was sipping wine and playing chess at sundown when Fishbone brought us a business idea - two business ideas rather.

One was that he had two sure bets with odds as high as 10, that if we bet as little One Thousand Naira each, we could get 10k each to spend for the weekend.

The other business idea was that we could invest 5k and in fifteen minutes, we would have 15k – three times what we invested. My antenna was more sensitive to the second business idea than the first.

“So who we dey invest the money to?” I asked.

“Where the two sure bet na?” Eze asked almost the same time.

“make una two calm down, I go explain” Fishbone said.

When he finished explaining Eze was almost changing his mind to invest in the second business idea instead of the first.
It was 17:59pm and fifteen minute had gone since I and Nas invested 10k each expecting 60k in return. I was thinking of how I would use 5k from the money to buy boxers, just boxers.

Coretha was always laughing at my boxers whenever we had sex; she would sometimes call them “bed sheets” and other times called them mosquito nets. I think they were more of bed sheet than mosquito net, or so I thought.

“Hello, Fishbone! We still dey wait for the alert for our account ooh…..” Nas was on the phone with Fishbone, “…….the admin number no dey go ooh”

After losing that money to Fishbone’s ponzi scheme, I assured myself to never buy of his business ideas.

“Eze, find me small thing na” I begged Eze who was 100k richer having won the bet.

“you be my man na, I go find you 5k” I thought of using that 5k to change my boxers but I thought otherwise since Baba had come knocking for electricity bill payment that morning.

In my dear city Pitakwa electricity bill per house can reach a record 6k per household and 156k per compound. My compound Igwe villa was famous for electricity disconnection as a result to unpaid bills.

“Baba na my NEPA bill be this” With a bitter heart I gave 5k to Baba the bill collector.

“This NEPA bill too much ooh, them no even give use light this month” Says Fishbone who had an electric stove in his house.

It was 2am when our gate fell.

You guys can encourage me and buy my eBook too. Check my signature

swiz123:
Still as funny as ever!!.

Thanks

SunFlow:
Make i just dey dream... So na Flow be this

Live and direct. Na me be this. Or so i thought �

I had reached Rumuosi and waited at the junction for a lift when I realize I was hungrier than I was tired.

I thought of calling Fishbone my neighbour to come pick me since I had no money on me but thought otherwise because he told me the previous day that his “keke” was bad.

But then I decided to call nonetheless.

“where my phone!” I searched.

My phone was gone, who stole it? Was it the taxi driver? Was it passersby at Nkpolu junction while I was “resting” in the drainage? Was it the mad woman that entered the church or the mad man?

A mad day.


The morning was darker than the night to me because my eyes were blurry and everywhere was dark as a result of hunger. Or so i thought.

Our saviour Garri was absent so I drank its assistant water.
A knock was heard on the door, it was Fishbone; Big head fishbone.

“You get toothpaste?” His breath smelled like a s’kunk.

As I offered him toothpaste by the door my heart sank when I saw she-devil Coretha approaching.

“why have your phone been switch off?” She queried.

“Me? My phone?” I was lost for a moment, “Okay! I lost my phone”

Coretha was in my living room in no time, munching the Banana she bought just the same way she was almost munching my gboola while she gave me a BeJay the night she found out I cheated on her. I will never forget I frog jumped to and fro my room 24 times and on the 25th time, she flogged me 12 strokes on my back with her metal belt.

Domestic violence.

I was tired of dating Captain Oche’s first daughter. I was a slave.

“so what did you cook” I was her cook also.
“Nothing ooh, I don’t have money” But she was my moneybag.
With a frown that later dissolved she asked, “so what are we going to eat?”

“Beans! Beans and plantain” was her favourite.

Did I forget to say that farting was Coretha’s hobby – she can fart two-in-one ballistic missile, yet she can still fart grenade. A t’omboy, a chain smoker, t’attoo all over her body, the only thing admirable about Coretha was a natural blue eyes.

“when we get married you will teach me how you prepared this your beans” what a shame.

“sure I will” I assured.

“who wan marry this one!” I almost said. Let it be on record that I can cook one food while I surgeon this earth, that one food is beans and my girlfriend Coretha was interested in that one food.

If you live in Pitakwa raise your hand ✋

“Oga your money na 100 Naira, no be 5o Naira!” The taxi driver yelled.

“make una see ooh, from Market junction to Nkpolu, this man wan collect 100 Naira” I told other passengers who cared not to listen.

“Oga give am money na!” One passenger alighting attacked.

“You dey mad there, make I give am money, na you go give me the money abi?” I returned.

“Oga I go rough handle you here if you no give me my money ooh” The taxi driver almost strangled me rough-handling my clothes.

“Leave my cloth ooh, I go give you uppercut ooh!” I threatened.

“try am na, make you see wetin go happen here!” He held where he wasn’t supposed to hold – my third leg.

“Yeeeeaaah! Oga leave my bluckos ooh! If you no leave my bluckos I go nod you ooh!” I thought one ball was broken.

"Nod me na!" He waited.

I had told myself not to ever head-boot any human or other God’s creatures after head-booting a metal pole in my kitchen in attempt to head-boot a big rat the night the rat disturbed my sleep.

After head-booting the metal pole that night my entire body system shutdown; I was deaf, blind, dumb, crippled, and bald all at once.
That night I thought the trumpet had sounded and God’s angels were descending. “God forgive me!” Was what I could alter as I lied on the floor wishing Nas slept with me in the house that night.


I head-booted the taxi driver and darkness covered the surface of the earth.
“aaaaah! I don blind! I no fit see! I don blind oooh!”
“see this small boy ooh, you wan fight me!” I wasn’t deaf, “give me my money jor”
“no take my wallet!” The taxi driver had dragged my wallet from my hand.
“see your wallet for ground” I heard faintly.


I opened my eyes lodged in this beautiful five star hotel room; the stench of urine in the drainage uplifted my spirit.

“my wallet! where my wallet?” My wallet and its content were gone, my shirt was torn, real madness was around.

It was 7pm Pitakwa time as I began my journey from Nkpolu, yes indeed roaming as part of the course outline for Madness 101 had began.


Faster than I expected I had reached Obiri Ikwere and met my colleagues.
“see my friend ooh! come na!” I had made a new friend.

A mad man chasing his colleague. But again I thought to myself “Flow why you dey run from this mad man sef, wetin you do am?” then I turned facing my fears.

A mad man chasing a madder man with a stick.

Bukolaberry:
like seriously, oga flow welcome



still I flow

Still we flow together

“hold her well! Bring rope!” The pastor yelled.

“You why you no come hold am!” I almost yelled back.

'We Love Jesus Ministry" is a church where almost all the members were sure making heaven; You heard me, I said almost all, not all.


“She don bite me! She don bite meee!” I cried.

“Peter you have to hold her tight” I was holding a delicate part of her body; her br’east, soon she was farting.

A mad woman’s fart reeked of burnt beans mixed with over-fermented palmwine, indeed it was a rear privilege for me to perceive. Or so I thought.

I was bleeding and losing grip of her.

At that moment I remembered a Nollywood movie I watched where Patience Ozokwor was bitten by her mad daughter inlaw and she ran mad.

It is common Nigerian belief that whoever is bitten by a mad woman would sure be mad - we grew up believing so.

“Am I going to run mad?” My eyes were spinning.
Soon our mad woman was no more struggling with myself and the assistant pastor who held her; she was calm.


“Sorry for your injury!” The assistant pastor said to me.

I was sure I would be a mad man in 15 minutes time or thereabout but wasn’t sure of the kind of madness journey I would embark on; the barking type, the na’ked typed, the barking and n’aked type, the dancing type or the snatching people’s food type.

My heart was beating fast; my voice sounded like I didn’t own it.

“Brother Peter let me clean your wound for you” an elder in church offered.

She dressed my wound and I smiled as I stared at the torn trouser of the assistant pastor, wait, did he e’jaculate while holding the back side of the mad woman, or was it urine, maybe my eyes failing me was part of the early signs of madness. Or maybe not.


As I crossed over to the other side of the road at Rumuigbo market junction thinking of what would happen to me should I hit the street mad, my phone rang, it was Nas, he called to ask me to come with my key that he forgot his in the house in the morning.

Nas,...Nas isn’t American neither is he a Rap artist but he could rap to the girls.


“grapjakanaghajhanakak!” I was speaking in an unknown language. Had madness come knocking?

“Flow you don dey mad ooh!” I told myself as I noticed my lips were dry looking at the side mirror of the taxi I boarded.

What would happen to my business? Would the madness eventually kill me?

SunFlow:
Chai... Flow please don't do this.

Don't get me glued only to leave again.

It's been years man!

I am not leaving you don't worry. I dey kamkpe

I am back.

I am back to give you fun.

CAVEAT
The write up that follows is not in any form relating to any persons, group of persons or organization in reality but as a result of the writer's choice of name of persons, group of persons or organizations.

Be ready to crack your ribs and learn too. Or so i thought.

This story is a true life story in loving memory of my best friend Morley (July 18th 1987 to September 8th 2021), may his soul rest in peace.

I am the famous Nairaland writer flow1759 (you can check out some of my stories on my profile). I am free for a while and i could make do with some writing jobs or collaborations (of course you know i will deliver). 08032607611 you can message me on Whatsapp

08032607611 if you need me for a writing job

08032607611 is my number if you need me for any writing job

08032607611 is my number if you need me for any writing job