₦airaland Forum

Ferosky:
Watch this spine tingling video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOOSGnaEZ5w

Be warned!

“My name is Obinna, my friends call be Obye for short” Obinna is already seated at the back with the lady.

“Nice name! Well, my name is Kemi, and thanks for the ride!”

“Kemi, its nice meeting you!” Obinna offers a handshake.

“Its nice meeting you too! Is this your car?” Kemi asks.

“Yes its one of my cars, and that’s my driver, his name is Imo, Chidi Imo he is from Imo state!” Chidi Imo jerks.

“I booked bolt and I have been waiting for the ride to arrive since the past 2 hour now, I did not see the ride!” Kemi says.

“Not to worry, I gat you, wherever you want me to take you to!”

“Well I am going to Rumuokwuta!”

“Driver! Please turn and lets drop her at Rumuokwuta!” Obinna commands.

“You say wetin?” Chidi Imo is upset he has all of a sudden turned Obinna’s driver.

All because of a woman.

The car is about 300 metres from where they picked Kemi when Chidi Imo sees a police checkpoint from afar.

“Oboy police dey here ooh!” Chidi Imo’s heart skipped.

Obinna is panicking, Chidi Imo is farting, but Kemi is calm.

“What we will do now?” Chidi Imo’s heartbeat increased.

“Not to worry guys, I gat you on this one, the police officers are my guys, they will allow us go!” Kemi offers.

It was all a plan, Kemi’s plan.

Tomorrow is your opportunity to fail or be successful if you choose.

Chidi Imo and Obinna have chosen the path of an illegal business and indeed they have recorded successes thus far. Successes far better than what Obinna records selling undies in Rumuokoro market.

Success could be lonely you know, especially bad success; the one that births nemesis.

Nemesis was waiting for them at a junction.

“Alhaji say make we come him house today, him say deal dey!”

“Oboy na God go bless this Alhaji for us ooh! We tell am say we need car for this business, him buy us car!” 8pm and Imo is driving the Toyota Camry Alhaji Danjuma bought for them.


On their way from Alhaji’s house after receiving the parcel Obinna notice a lady standing by a junction looking stranded.

“Oboy! See that babe! She too fine! Stop for her!” Obinna says to Chidi Imo.

“You wan carry her?” Chidi Imo is surprised.

“Yes na, make we carry her, lets help a damsel in distress!”

“But guy we are on duty na, we can’t be doing this, remember we have something to deliver before 9pm?”

“Guy this is just a quick one! Lets just give her a ride!”

Obinna would wish he never offered a ride to the damsel in distress.

The path of wisdom and knowledge is indeed not an easy road. Ovundah wishes nemesis catch up with the babalawo that gave him the black soap, and the person that took him to the babalawo.

It seems the elements heard his wish and brought answers.

“How much be the car?” Chidi Imo is with Obinna at a car stand.

“Okay, this car na two point nine million Naira!” The attendant responds.

“nawa ooh, the price no too much?” Chidi Imo is shock.

“Guy the price no too much ooh! Spend money, the money dey!” Obinna reminds him.

“E didn’t dey ooh! Abi? Did I look like person that e dey?” Chidi Imo asks the attendant.

“No sir, you look like person that e didn’t dey!” The attendant responds.

There is a governor that once “ruled” Rivers state. He will always say “if e didn’t dey, e didn’t dey! If e dey, e dey!” to civil servants he owed their pension for years. Rumour has it that he was once “an agbero” before he became a lawyer and now he is returning to his former profession; or rather, he is combining both professions. Maybe because he spends so much on alcoholic beverages like his popular brand Don Preghnor(not sure of the spelling) than he spends on his skin care little wonder his vocal abnormality, or maybe not.

“Chidi Imo! E dey abeg, we made 4 million naira from the last deal and your share is 2 million Naira!” Obinna reminds him.

“So my share is 2 million Naira, and I should use it to buy a car, all of it! Abi?” Chidi Imo speaks like an Igbo man for the first time since they entered the car stand.

“Guy buy wetin you like, we go get another deal next week” Obinna informs him.

“Nwannem okwa I’ma na echi d’ime!” Chidi Imo tells Obinna that no one knows tomorrow.

Obinna called a friend Chidi Imo.

Chidi Imo had assured him that he will act the scene well; he also asked that he paid him 30,000 Naira upfront for costume.

They got to the spot by half past One.

“Baba I no dey understand wetin them dey teach for school!”

“That one bad ooh!” Father-Christmas-like Chidi Imo responds.

“Whating I go fit do to solve this thing? Whating?”

“What can I do? Not whathing I go fit do” Obinna corrects him.

“What can I do? What? Just told me!” Ovundah blunders again.

“Don’t worry, I have the medicine for you!”

“Eheeen!” Ovundah is glad.

“Yes, but it will cost you 150,000 Naira!” Chidi Imo says.

“150,000 Naira? Baba na the last price?” Our man is asking for discount from a make-believe Babalawo.

“Oboy nawa for you ooh, you dey price babalawo!” Obinna says.

“No be so, I just wan see weda him go reduce the price, you know say the economy hard”

“Will you close your mouth before I turn you to Lizard!!”

Chidi Imo giving Ovundah black soap to bath with before he goes to class is not a problem. The problem is that the soap smells like a skunk.

“Hmnnnn! Who mess?” The ladies in class holds their breath as Ovundah walks pass.


“You at the back! What did I say is the definition of Phonetics?” The lecturer points.

“Who? Me?” Ovundah wishes he is pointing at the guy seating beside him covering his nose.

“Yes you! I said what is Phonetics?” Ovundah thinks the black soap isn’t working.

He breathes in and out and says, “Phonetics is, Phonetics is, Phonetics is!”

He wishes the smelling black soap would come to his aid real quick.

“My friend answer me! What is Phonetics?” The lecturer yells.

“Phonetics is, Phonetics is, Phonetics is when, Phonetics is when the phone of every Nigerian is plugged to electricity, like when you charge your phone”

Our man goofs.

“Life is so hard!” Ovundah screams aloud.

“Why is life so hard?” Enters Obinna.

“My brother! I no know how this their lectures dey dey, the thing dey confuse me” Ovundah says, “Naso e be for you when you just get admission for school? When you dey year one?”

“Yes naso e be for me ooh, it was difficult to understand what the lecturers were teaching!”

“So how you take manage?”

Obinna pauses for a while before he says; “I have the recipe to your problem!”

“Receepe? Wetin be receeepe?” Ovundah is confused, “I dey talk say this school people dey confuse me, you dey confuse me more”

“See I have the recipe to clear your head, and make you understand the lecturers better!”

“I know, but wetin be receeepe nahim I wan know?”

“Recipe is more like a solution, more like elixir!”

“Guy no kill me here ooh! I dey talk about receepe wey you talk, you dey talk about Eliza, wetin bring Eliza come this talk now!”

“Look I know say you will never forgive that your former girlfriend Eliza, but no be Eliza I talk, I say Elixir”

Ovundah will surely never forget what Elizabeth did to him, just because he cheated on her. Elizabeth an indigene of Aluu community cried to her brothers that she caught Ovundah with another woman, the next day our dear Ovundah was doing “frog jump” with two 9 inches molded blocks on his shoulders.

“Guy wetin Eliza do me I will never forgive her, I get muscle pull that day na!”

“na only muscle pull, you almost die sef!”

For a moment Ovundah wonders how life would have been for his lovely mother if he died because of the severe punishment Elizabeth’s brothers made him undergo.

“Okay so this your new Eliisir, how e be?”

“My Elixir will make you have clear understanding of what the lecturer is teaching you”

Elixir for knowledge.

Ovundah paid for Jamb answers to be supplied to him in the exam hall yet he scored a little above cut-off.

As an Ikwerre man seeking admission into a university located in an Ikwerre land, he is sure he will get admission on the bases of community chance.

“Oboy! I don get admission! Make we go drink to celebrate am!” He meets the Igbo brothers outside.

“Sure, make we go drink!” The Igbo brothers congratulates him.

At Central Afrika bar, the three men sat and discussed coming events as regards Ovundah’s admission.

“So as e be like this how much you go dey pay us to dey write exam for you? How much each paper?” Eze ask Ovundah.

“How much una want? Una be my guys na!”

“This one no be guys something ooh, this is business! Strictly business!”

“I know say I go pay una, but una be my guys, una no go collect plenty money from me!”

“See, you know say Uniport exam dey tough well well, na there I graduate from, so I know wetin I dey talk!” Eze says.

“Eheen! E dey tough like that?”

“Yes na, three invigilators for one exam hall!”

“Naso them wicked for Uniport?” Obinna says, “But for Imsu wey I finish, e no be like that, sometimes we dey even carry textbook enter exam hall”

“No ooh, e no be like that for Uniport ooh, if them catch you with Mgbo, dem go expel you” The Igbo brothers plays emotional blackmail.

“Wetin be Mgbo?” Ovundah needs to know.

Mgbo is as an exam aid that have been saving students in exam halls since 1920. Also called Expo, some will write Mgbo on their palms, some on a tiny sheet of paper and some on their laps.

“Naso one woman wey carry baby come exam hall when we dey university write Mgbo for the baby body!”

“Eheen! You mean am?”

“I mean ooh ooh! When them catch the woman, naso them seize the baby from her!” Obinna continues, "after exam, to collect baby back come be problem"

“Wow! That una Imsu na wozsky school ooh!” Ovundah says.

What Ovundah did not know at this point is that Uniport will be “wozskiest” for him.

“So which course you go like to study for Uniport?” Obinna needs to know.

“Ehnn, I go like to study Ehnnn…………………” Obinna cuts.

“………………………… Wait make I guess, you go like study Ikwerre Linguistics”

Ikwerrre man wish he could opt for Ikwerre as his first choice course of study, but no he wouldn’t dare for the sake of winning back his love.

“Oboy I go study English Linguistics!” He says.

“English Linguistics? How will you cope?”

“How I no go cope? You think say I be jonzing man abi? You think say I get dull brain abi?”

“No be dull brain matter, na how you go take write test and exam when you get admission be the thing!”

After being silent for a while, Ovundah says, “Na why I get you na! When exam reach I go pay you make you write exam for me!”

“Me?”

“Yes na, wetin you say you study for school again sef?”

“Igbo Linguistics! But we do English as borrowed course”

“See English Linguistics and Igbo Linguistics na brothers and sisters, what of you brother Eze, wetin him study?”

“Eze study Edu Guidance and counseling” Obinna response.

“Edu as in Chinedu? You know Edu that our guy na?” A show of illiteracy.

“Edu as in Education, not Chinedu”

“Nawa ooh, this book go enter my head so! This one wey Edu brazil wey I know don turn to Education, nawa ooh!”

“See even if the book no enter your head, me and Eze go help you dey write test and exam, no worry about that one!”

“Mehn I go really appreciate am from una!”

“But no be for free ooh, you go pay us!” A typical Igbo man is speaking.

“Nawa for una ooh, una no fit do something for person for free”.

“See I wan stop this work!” Ovundah says to Emohua at the bus stop.

“Why na? you no like the small small money wey Manuchi dey give us?”

“No be so, I wan go school! I wan write Jamb enter university”

“hahahahaha! You? go school? Wetin you go do for school? Who dash monkey banana?”

“Na your papa be monkey!”


Serendipity brought Sandra to Ovundah, grammar, lexis and structure is tearing them apart.

“Sandra, you dey friend that yahoo guy Stanley abi? Because he have car” Ovundah is so sad he is losing the love his life.

“I am not having an affair with him because he is driving a car, I am having an affair with him because he is fine, he speaks good English, he is not as lousy as you are, and when we eat out, he doesn’t make loud noise with his mouth” Sandra buries a hatchet in his heart.

“Na why anytime I carry you go eatery go eat you go say you wan go rub powder for your nose?”

“ooooh! Powder your nose! That’s what its called!” Sandra corrects him.

“Powder your nose or rub cream for your nose, wetin I know be say I love you!”

“I don’t love you again, I can’t love you again until you upgrade!”

Sure thing is Ovundah plans to upgrade no matter what it cost.

“How much be the jamb form sef?” Ovundah and Obinna walks home one evening.

“So how much you go buy the land?!” Ovundah is in business, “make we go write the agreement na!”

“See, how I go sure say this land na your own?” The buyer is uncertain.

“See no dey fear, I don tell you say this land na my inheritance” Inheritance indeed.

Few weeks ago Ovundah reached an agreement with Austin the loan provider merchant.

Okay, let me tell you about Austin. He has a record. His record is to crumble businesses. In whatever you do, no matter how hard it is with you, don’t you loan money from Austin.

When Obinna was about to start his pant and bra business, the loaned 250k from Austin, he struggled so much to pay back the loan, but the more he tried to pay the more it is difficult to attain.

“Look if you no give me my money and I go juju because of you?” Austin threatened Obinna.

“No need to do juju, I go pay you by next week!”

True to his word, he paid Austin not only the money he borrowed but the interest with it. How did he pay back the loan? He paid with another loan. Take another loan to pay a loan; that is the only way you can pay whatever amount you borrow from Austin.


Now Ovundah has given a plot of land as collateral for a loan of 1 million Naira from Austin.

The agreement was:
“If you no pay me back this 1 million Naira, this land don become my own, sign here”
Ovundah left with no option appended his signature in the agreement.

Yet he wants to sell the same land.

“Who wan sell my land?” Austin came out from the bush where he hid.

“I talk am! I talk am say this land no be your own!” The buyer confirms his curiosity.

“Ovundah abi wetin dem call your name again! If I open my eyes and you still dey here, wetin I go do you!”

“Wetin you do?” No one doubted what Austin is capable of.

Gossip has it that, Austin has once turned one of his customers who defaulted into a tuber of yam. He had already called his wife to prepare his favourite Ofe Owerre that he was coming home with yam for pounded yam before some vigilante members stopped him.

“Ovundah! I go do you something ooh!”

This is sure not an empty threat.

“Hahahahahahaha! You see gun sh’it, if them com shoot the gun nkor, wetin you go do?”

“My brother I com dey talk for my mind say which kin wahala I carry myself enter, if I come die nkor?”

“You for just die sara na!”

“My brother, wey be say I no be selina tested”

Many youths you see walking the streets of Port Harcourt are Selina tested I wonder why. Is it because the state is notable for her infamous name “Rivers of blood”?. A state where youths can kidnap Police DPO and demand ransom from the Government. Sometimes when I walk pass Rumuola I am always watchful of stray bullet. The somewhat warzone state needs her youth to always be watchful and be Selina tested in case a bullet from nowhere hits them and the police tags it accidental discharge.

“I com dey pray to God incase I die, so I go make heaven!”

“You? Make Heaven?” Ovundah is surprised at that statement, “if you make heaven make I bend!”

“No wahala, I no say I no go make heaven!” Eze agrees, “but oboy for inside the motor as I dey drive na inside hell fire I dey, I been dey sweat inside AC”

“Hahahahahahaha! Oboy, no be small thing ooh!”

“I don pass that OPM church side when my mind tell me say, the only way wey I go survive this thing na if I park my car, comot inside and run”

“Hahahahahahaha! You do wetin your mind tell you?”

Life on a balance.

“I senior person that first and senior you!” Sobulachi tells his step brother Abobo as they play outside.

“How you take and senior person that first and senior me?” Abobo is shocked.

Sobulachi is the king of the boys his age is a no nonsense aspiring senior man, he is notable for a lot of things like selling Ovundah’s best shoe for 2k, Selling his family’s generator for 1k, and most recently cooking beans spiced with indain hemp for Ovundah and his girlfriend Sandra; he almost killed his only brother.


“Oboy help me praise God ooh, today I almost die!” Eze drives into the compound.

“eheen! I talk am say wetin go make you come back to house today wey be Sunday wey plenty people dey book ride for bolt go fit be matter of life and death!” Ovundah says.

“See eheen, Naso today I say make I go hustle small as many people go wan book ride go flex” Eze begins, “as I on my app, naso sharp sharp dem don book me!”

“That one good na!”

“Sure e good! As I reach the compound for Mercyland wey them book me from, park my car there” Eze continues, “naso two guys rush enter my motor tell me make I dey drive dey go”

“Who the guys them be?”

“I been dey suspect them say them be yahoo boys, but wetin concern me, no be my money I dey find?” The story is becoming interesting to Ovundah, “The guys enter my car tell me make I dey fire speed!”

“I dey fire speed go Obiri Ikwerre fly over come see one car dey my back dey follow me”

“who dey drive the car?”

“I dey suspect say the car dey pursue the guys wey dey inside my car because the guys say make I dey increase my speed well well!”

“As I turn say make I follow the road wey lead to airport, naso I see say the car don dey very close to me” Eze says, “I com even notice say dem the guys wey dey my car carry gun”

“Ahhhh! Na toy gun be that? I been wan ask them”

“hahahahahahaha! How you go ask them weda na toy gun?”

“I don turn dey follow that lonely road wey lead to airport before I look from my side mirror see say the other guys for the other motor carry gun sef!”

“Na me this guys wan use shoot American film? I been feel small sh’it comot for my n’yash sef!”

The man Papa-O.

His Hobby: Playing draught with hot drink by the side.

His best food: Vegetable soup and Dog meat.

His profession: Selling of landed properties

His wife: Hardworking and beautiful.

His girlfriend: Ugly, Very Ugly


Chituru holds the award for the ugliest woman to walk the surface of the earth, both in present day and in time to come.
Her teeth carries national colours; colours of the rainbow. Chituru’s hunched back and dry chest is something else, her Nose? Only God Knows. The most disgusting thing is when she speaks.

She does not just speak grammatical blunder, it surely rains on her listeners heavily.

“Chituru na garri I come buy no be spit, I don baff for house before I come here” Eze is at Chituru’s provision store.

“I know say na Garri you come buy” Chituru backs Eze.

Her behind!! Massive!

The only beautiful thing Chituru can showcase to the world is a big backside; loaded.

Papa-O had promised Chituru that he would take her in as a second wife not giving a damn how Mama-O will feel.

“Wetin you even talk before sef?” She turns to Eze.

“Me? I talk anything?”

“Yes you talk say na garri you come buy no be spit! You even talk say I dey baff you with spit”

“Yes na, you dey baff me, I don baff for house!”

“You don baff for house abi?” Chituru suddenly grabs Eze but on the wrong side of his lower frame.

“Ahhhhhhhh! Na my gbola you dey hold so!” Eze cries.

“I never hold am, I go soon cut am if you no pay me all the money wey you dey owe me!”

“Me, owe you?” Eze is struggling to breathe.

“You no owe me abi?” Chituru drags and push him unevenly front and back.

“Leave me ooh, you go tear my trouser ooh!” Eze has not finished saying that before he hears “praaaaaaaa!”

His trouser is torn.

From the rare view passers-by could see that Eze n’yash is purely “Coke” while the other parts of his body are “Fanta”.

“Uncle look your n’yash is showing” Abobo Chituru’s 5 years old son enters.

Saying Abobo is stubborn is an understatement, he is a pain in the ass of anyone he comes across. His teachers are not only tired of him, they are sacred of him, the other day he told his new teacher he wants to be a “senior man” when he grows up.

Will you blame him? In Port Harcourt “senior man” is not only a profession, it’s a job designation. You hear a kid say “My father na senior man for him office!”.

“For me my father nahim senior all the senior men for him office, anytime wey them dey do senior man meeting, nahim be the seniorest man”.

If he took off his clothes, he would have joined the colony of mad men and women living under Obiri Ikwerre flyover, thank God he didn’t take off his clothes, if he took off his clothes he wouldn’t have live to celebrate his 30th birthday.

“Happy Birthday to you! Happy birthday to you……………………” Ovundah’s friends celebrates with him in Mama-O 4 life.

“This birthday no go complete if we no drink Pammy” Eze stands.

“Yes no be lie!” Tunde seconds.

The birthday cake is cut and shared amongst the persons present, Ovundah makes sure every now and then he reminds himself the cake is not an ordinary cake; his girlfriend calls it brownie.


“Why person go bake cake with igboh!” He said to her the day she introduced brownie to him.


“Guy take am easy dey chop the cake ooh!” Ovundah warns Eze.

“Why? The cake sweet ooh!” Eze is eating large chunks.

“That cake no be ordinary cake ooh!” Ovundah warns.

“Oga allow me make I chop cake, abi you dey stingy reach your own birthday too!” The stingy one calling someone else stingy.

Eze is the stingiest “animal” in the surface of the earth; he goes around with his perfume in his pocket just because he deosn't want Obinna to share with him. He hides money tied in a waterproof and placed in the flush tank of the WC in the bathroom just to prove to Obinna that he was broke. When he cooks rice he cooks just one cup enough for him to finish at once.

“One cup man!” Obinna hails him.

“Nwannem ooh!” He returns.

Just then he begins to laugh uncontrollable.

He is lose-guarding.

I am sure you know what lose-guarding is? Do you? Well if you don’t check the Port Harcourt street dictionary.

Like I said, Eze is lose-guarding.

Brownie is working.

“where you dey run go?” The voice asks him.

“Nowhere, I dey run go nowhere!” Ovundah answers.

“No run go that way, run go straight!” The voice instructs.

“Who you be sef?” Ovundah asks the Voice.

“I be God, na me create you! Call me Bros G” The Voice answers.

It is 7pm and Ovundah is heading to Happy bite Junction from Market Junction.

“Bros G, I don taya!” He mutters.

“My friend, continue to dey run!”

“Okay sir!” Ovundah yells.

He is sweating profusely and his feet is failing him, yet Bros G commands him to continue running”

“Bros G, buy pure water for me make I drink” He sees a sachet water hawker.

“Collect am, I go pay!” Bros G says.

“But if I collect am, the guy wey dey sell am go beat me!” He says to Bros G.

“Just collect it, I go pay!”

Ovundah grabs one sachet water and immediately the sachet water hawker chases after him he runs faster than he was running before.

The sachet water hawker could not catch up with Ovundah’s pace, so he gives up.

“So you can run this fast?” Bros G laughs.

“You are laughing abi? If to say that guy catch me, him for just kill me! Why did you tell me you will pay?”

“I say so so you can run faster, now we don achieve that one!”

“Now wey we don achieve that one, wetin be the next thing?” Ovundah slows down.

“Run till you reach Happy bite junction!”

Ovundah knowing the goal is to reach Happy bite increases speed and reaches there in no time.


Then Bros G says, “Remove your shirt and trouser!”

A weed smoker will tell you that on your first time smoking and you hear a voice speaking to you telling you to take off your clothes, that no matter what you should not obey that instruction, it is the instruction that will lead madness.

“I say remove your shirt and trousers!!” Bros G speaks louder.

“Tay!!! I no go remove my cloth!” Ovundah has passed.

FirstbornWds:
Flow nwa mama... I've so missed you.

i miss you too

It’s been 2 months since Ovundah was discharged from the hospital, he tells himself it was time for a good smoke, he is sure he deserves it.
Smoking is the final elixir he needs to heal from the fatal accident that almost took his life.

“Ahaan! Omomo you dey here?” It is Sunday evening, Ovundah arrives Monalisa.

Monalisa is the capital of indain hemp in Rukpokwu Port Harcourt; a small hideout built with bamboo and raffia yet built to last. According to history past down to Ovundah from his father, Monalisa formerly Mogadishu has been in existence since 1960.

“Oboy! Men dem full ground ooh!” He shakes hands with everyone seated and takes his seat beside Omo Tunde’s brother.

“Yes I dey here ooh, I say make I come do my Sunday worship here!” Omo continues huffing and puffing.

“Na sure thing, eye wey see!” Ovundah demands for the wrap of weed in Omo’s hand.

In Ikwerre land “Eye wey see” short for “Eye wey see, go chop” is a term that is said when you need a piece of the action on ground. You could say “Eye wey see” when your friend sells a piece of land in your presence and you need your cut. I think the percentage for “Eye wey see” is 10 percent of the full money, I might be wrong.

“This one no be for Eye wey see ooh, this one no be normal igboh ooh!” Omo warns.

“Wetin be no be normal igboh! E get any igboh wey I dey fear?” Ovundah boasts.

“Fear this one ooh, this one mix with ijebu garri ooh!”

“Ijebu garri, Ikwerre garri! I no dey fear any igboh!” Ovundah is smoking the jumbo wrap of weed already.

Then a bell rings in his head.

It seems to him like he has two heads; the sub-head is lighter than the main head.

Yet he continues puffing the weed.

“Ovundah! Ovundah! Ovundah!!” He hears a voice calls.

“You call me!” He asks Omo.

“No ooh, I no call you! Na Ijebu winch dey call you” Omo is sure.

“Stand up!” The voice commands Ovundah.

When you smoke weed and you hear a voice speak to you, two things are involved; it’s either the voice is the voice of an angel or the voice of a demon. If the voice is from an angel you are safe, but if it is the voice of a demon, two things are involved; it’s either the demon wants you to perpetrate an evil act or the demon wants to torment you. If the demon wants you to perpetrate an evil act, you are safe, but if the demon wants to torment you, two things are involved, it’s either the demon wants you to roll on the floor, or the demon wants you to run.

“Make I roll for ground?” Ovundah is asking his friends at Monalisa.

“No, no roll for ground!” Omo says to him.

“Okay, I no go roll, make I run?” Ovundah asks.

Before Omo could say “No run!”, Ovundah is on his heels to destination “nowhere”.

Make i drink water, i dey come stay tuned

July 1st, the day Ovundah will never forget.

Two incidences shows our Ovundah signs that he will die soon.

The first Incidence:

“Oboy, today na my grand mother burial, by 12 O’clock I don comot here!” Ovundah tells Etche as they stand with their red pipes.

“So na only me you wan keep for here

“No worry, I go bring enough maya for you from the burial” He promise Etche.

The short man called Etche loves the bottles more than his life, for countless number of times he has lodged in the five star hotel by the road; the hotel with concrete bed and enough cross ventilation, this hotel need no brand advertisement to get customers, very spacious room, the bed is wet in raining season and dry in dry season, with just 3 or 4 bottles of beer you will lodge in the hotel for free. Etche has lodged in this hotel to the point that the mosquitoes there are scared of perching on his body.

“No be say I go bring maya for you you go drink am go sleep for gutter ooh!” Ovundah warns.

“Oboy bring am for me first! Bring like six bottles”

“No wam na!”

“See that car, na Paapa car be that, the old man never give me money, him don load three times now, stop am!” Etche says to Ovundah.
Ovundah races towards Paapa’s parked car and immediately Paapa sees him heading towards the direction of the car he put on the ignition driving at high speed towards him. Undeterred, Ovundah is sure Paapa wants to “shallo” him, he is certain he will stop the car as he races closer so he raises up his red pipe and shouts “where your money!”

Shallo is a slang that you say when you feel an action that someone intends to take will be abortive at dying minute.

It is less than dying minute for Ovundah before a truck pusher disrupt his forward movement with his truck, he falls to the right, an inch closer and Paapa’s car would have run over him.

Saved by the bell, Ovundah is on the floor panting; his red pipe is far inside the drainage.

“So naso you for die ooh” A voice whispers to him, that is the voice of death talking.

“I no go die in Jesus name!” He believes Jesus used the truck pusher to save him.

Ovundah stands up, picks up his staff of office and hands it over to Etche before he leaves.

In Ikwerre land burials are opportunities for the devil responsible for stealing, killing and destroying to take another soul with the one that is to be buried. It is in burials in Ikwerre land that you will see acrobatic displays, vehicular jamboree and rough riding causing road users to be scared of plying a government owned road. My bad, at burials in Ikwerre land the roads around the burial venue is not owned by the government as at the time of the burial; ownership is in the hands of the family of the deceased.

The second Incidence:

Ovundah calls himself pilot 1 as he drives a Toyota Camry given to him so roughly under the influence of alcohol. To them as they display on the road and little children applaud them it is celebration of life for their mother, grandmother, aunty, sister, inlaw and great grandmother aged 102.

Rukpokwu, Port Harcourt is rough and noisy with deafening screeches the “Formula One” drivers like Ovundah are making.

As Ovundah makes the vehicle dance to the beats of Tupac Amaru shakur “To live and die in LA” playing in the car he is driving, he assures himself he will surely live and die in Ikwerre land.

“Pilot 1 see tipper!” Before David could say that, Ovundah has collided with a truck loaded with sharp sand.

Mama Ovundah is the most hardworking Ikwerre woman one can come across in the surface of the earth. She wakes up as early as 3am to prepare for her early morning catch for Akara and bread, by 10am she is preparing for Boley and Fish to be served to business owners and keke riders, by 4pm, she had switch to frying yam and potatoes, then by 9pm, the night crawlers cannot miss her pepper soup. Nobody except Chinwe her attendant knows she is making up to 100k profit daily in her small sit-out called Mama-O 4 life.

“Mama see the meat here!” Ovundah arrives with the meat late.

“Why you waste time na, I don call you taya, you no pick!” Mama O isn’t happy.

“Mama no mind that our oga Manuchi, the guy waste our time to collect the money wey we make from us”

Manuchi is the king of the boys in Rumuokoro bus stop, a no nonsense king of Red-pipe boys. Steal from him and you are a gunner. When it is time to remit money to him, you dare not make or receive a call or you are tagged a traitor. Touts in different bus stops in Port Harcourt carry different colours of pipes; there is green, yellow, blue, but Manuchi decides to give his boys red pipe telling them it denotes their lives are in danger as they handle his money.

“But this money no be him money na!” Ovundah always say to himself.

“You sure say Manuchi dey give Obio/Akpor this money wey we dey give am?” Emohua is forced to ask Ovundah one afternoon.

“I no know ooh, the guy dey buy new motor every year and we dey here dey suffer dey collect money from drivers! One day bush meat go catch the hunter!” Ovundah never knew he would be the one hunted by Manuchi soon.

“Madam I no get change ooh, enter with your change ooh, Rumuokoro na 200 Naira!” Tunde informs his new passengers.

Taxy driving in Port Harcourt is a very lucrative business that one can get at least 5k profit every day; that’s if the car is yours, but if the car is not yours, then you can get 500 Naira on a good day and nothing at all on a bad day. Thank God Tunde owns the Toyota Big-for-nothing he is driving; he paid in full for it to his master Baba.

If you live in Port Harcourt you will agree with me that taxy driving business is 80 percent dominated by one particular tribe, Yorubas; they know the ropes when it comes to this line of transportation business.

“Hey! Stop, wey your loading money!” Ovundah a red-piped man stops Tunde’s car in Rumuokoro bus stop.

“Okay! Tunde, na you! No worry, carry go! Your face show!”

Your face show, your shoe shine, your teeth white, goes a popular Port Harcourt cliché. “Your teeth white”, Tunde’s teeth is far from being white yet Ovundah often offer him toll-free whenever he is on duty.

“That guy na my guy, na my tenant!” Ovundah informs Emohua a new recruit in the Red-pipe white collar job.

If you are new in Port Harcourt and you hear people being named according to their local government area don’t be surprised, you will hear names like Ahoada, Gokana, Ikwerre, Eleme and the short ones are called Etche.

“Omomo time don reach for that package!” Ovundah is making a short call secretly.

“who you dey talk to for phone?” Etche one of the collectors asked Ovundah.

“Nobody, I just dey call Omomo, that my tenant wey dey sell meat for Rumuokoro market make him bring meat for me”

“why that guy dey always bring meat for you every night when we don collect money finish?” Etche has been suspecting that Ovundah was stealing some money from their daily collection, but he just couldn’t pin him to the act.

“see e get one kind of meat wey him dey always get for evening, them dey call the meat gbokotor, I dey always tell am make him keep that gbokotor for me before him close!”

“But you say the guy na your tenant, why him no dey give you the meat for house? Shebi una dey stay for the same compound?” Etche is looking for a means to nail Ovundah to the crime.

“Na my mother I dey go give the meat na, you know say my mother dey sell pepper soup, some of her customers dey request for that gbokotor meat, before I reach my house every day when I close from work, I dey first reach my mother house give her the meat” Ovundah intends to set a trap for the always-suspicious Etche.

He hopes the trap never fails.

“Buy your pant and bra! Five-five hundred!! Buy your pant and bra Five-five hundred naira!” Obinna yells in the scorching sun in Rumuokoro market.

Rumuokoro market is notable for hustle and bustle, the dirtiest market in Africa in my opinion. Legend has it that food items are cheaper in this market compared to any other market in South-South Nigeria, steal anything from the market and you are doomed. Different regime of government have come and gone none have been able to move Rumuokoro market to a more befitting location. Regardless of the traffic congestion the market cause, the government does not care what road users go through passing through Rumuokoro road despite the fact that the famous Obio/Akpor Local Government Secretariat is just a stone throw from the market. Maybe the government is generating great tax returns from the market, or maybe not.

“Mama Sikiratu! Market bad today ooh!” Obinna isn’t happy.

“Maybe na because rain fall in the morning nahim make!” Mama Sikirat the Pepper seller assures him.

When it rains in Rumuokoro market, the road is not just in a deplorable state but there is massive stampede in human movement, what baffles me is the large pool of water you find directly opposite the Local Government secretariat, I mean does the Local Government chairman fly to his office every day? Maybe he does, or maybe he comes to the office only a week to election. Or maybe not.

Mama Sikirat’s massive “behind” assures Obinna that what is behind is positive, more like “Nkiruka” his girlfriend, what is behind them is greater and they cannot tell, it might be positive or negative, or both.

“We fit sell today, we fit no sell!” Obinna assures himself of the likelihood of positivity or negativity.

“Yes na, na God dey run am!”

Directly opposite Obinna’s business stand across the road is Omo’s meat stand; Omo is Tunde’s younger brother.

Nobody in the compound except Tunde of course knows the full name of Omo; Some said it is Omotunde, some said it is Omotola, some said Omolola, but Ovundah thinks it should be Omomo and that is what he calls him.

If you are born in Lagos in the 1980s you should know what it is to be called Omomo. Omomo is what thumb-sucking little kids or someone that acts childish is called, some would prefer saying taah-taah instead of omomo.

Omo is called Omomo by Ovundah for a reason.

When it rains it pours. Indeed it pours on Tunde whenever it rains.

“Ovundah, I don tell you since make you repair this my roof wey dey lick! I am suffering!” Tunde is yelling.

“shebi I tell you say I go repair am, I never hold the rubbers!”

Rivers state is not part of the plastic producing states in Nigeria, so whenever you hear a Port Harcourt son of the soil especially an Ikwerre man say “rubbers” the person is talking about money just like a Logos boy will say “rabba”.

“You never hold the rabba abi?” Tunde a former Lagos boy says to Ovundah.

“rapper! Which one be rapper again?” Ovundah is confused.

“No be you say you never hold the rabba now now?”

“Okay! Rubbers, I never get the rubbers, when I get the rubbers I go repair am!”

“you go repair am abi? Until lizard from that roof enter my mouth abi?”

“How lizard go enter your mouth?” Ovundah looks him in the eyes for the first time since the conversation started.

“See the other day I tell you say water from the roof enter my mouth when I dey sleep for night, I even drink the water sef, and you no talk anything, the next time na Lizard go enter my mouth”

When Tunde sleeps at night, the whole building trembles; its like earthquake; he does not only snore, his mouth is wide open, wider than East-West road.

“Ehenn, if lizard enter your mouth, you kuku chop am na, shebi Yoruba dey chop Lizard?”

Ovundah remembers eating Ewedu soup prepared by Yemisi Tunde’s girlfriend unknown to him that the delicious ewedu soup was garnished with Lizard meat.

“This your thing is sweet ooh!” Was Ovundah’s compliment to Yemisi after eating the Ewedu soup and Amala.

“Wetin you mean her thing? Na your thing go sweet no be my girlfriend thing!” Tunde returned.

“My thing? Yes my thing sweet na, ask Yemisi?” Ovundah mistakenly spewed venom.

Just as both men are washing their hands to bring down the mountain of Eba before them, Eze Obinna’s cousin enters.

“So una think say una go chop without me?”

Now the ratio has to be changed; 4:4:2 because Eze paid for the cooking gas used to cook the delicious Ofe Nsala.

“This 4-4-2 formation wey we dey do so, make nobody tell me say I no go chop meat ooh!” Ovundah is sure the pieces of meat in the soup is not up to ten.

“If meat no reach you, you go chop fish na!” That is how the Igbo brothers always cheated the brilliant Ikwerre man.

“Then when I chop fish finish una go submit una rent to me now now, una dey owe me 2 years!” Always hitting nails on their heads whenever they intend to refuse him the basic necessities of life like a piece of meat, bar soap, salt, sugar, groundnut oil, pepper, rice, beans, pot and even towel.

The relationship between Ovundah and the igbo brothers is symbiotic; he depends on them for the basic necessities of life while they depend on him for the more basic necessity of life – shelter.

There is another person that depends on both parties for basically everything he needs including underwear.

“Oboy you get any boxers wey I fit wear?” Tunde asks Ovundah who is seated outside after the sumptuous meal.

“How person go dey share boxers? I never see this kin thing before! Tunde you are very dirty!”

“I gree, but at least I clean pass you wey dey use your mouth dey lick mango!” Tunde has vowed never to join the “mango-licking” crew headed by Obinna, the first time Ovundah tried licking Sandra his girlfriend’s mango be had swollen upper lip the next morning, since then he vowed never to lick mango again – ripe or unripe.

“You no sabi lick well na!” Obinna is laughing at him the next morning.

“What do you mean by that, shey the thing get special skills?” Ovundah needed to know.

“Yes na, while licking you move from up to down not left to right” Obinna tutored him with his tongue out, “like say you dey wash plate”
Indeed Obinna has moved from licking mango to washing plates, he has a professorship in plate washing, washing all kinds of plates – plastic, ceramics, metal and even wooden, call him the Minister of Plate Affairs and you are not far from the truth.

“or maybe your girlfriend get Gonokpa that’s why your mouth swell up”

His name is Ovundah, he is an Ikwerre man.

His equivocation is not to make you laugh in a sense, but if you ask me, you are most likely going to laugh as you flip through every page.


This is Ovundah’s story.

“Ovuu how you dey, you get garri for house?” Obinna his friend says good morning.

In Nigeria we answer question with question, so guess what Ovundah’s question to Obinna is?

“You cook soup?”

“Yes I cook soup! But that is not the question I asked you, I ask you weda you get garri, answer me first”

“Yes I get garri!” Ovundah finally answers.

“Na person wey get garri dey find person wey get soup” goes a popular adage in pidgin parlance.

“You go bring the garri make we colabo!”

There are so many mostly-spoken slangs like “colabo” you will get familiar with as you continue reading this piece.

“Wait first ooh, this our colabo, how e go be? Shey na 3 to 2?” They had agreed some time ago that whoever provides soup will swallow three mould of Eba while the one that provides garri would swallow just two. That is ratio 3:2, but for the pieces of meat in the soup, it would be 2:1; that is if the pieces of meat are up to three, if not, it would be a walk-over for the one that provides the soup. This is a law that the men in the compound have agreed to keep no matter what. The chawling law.

“No ooh, na 3 to 1, the soup na Ofe Nsala, expensive soup!” Obinna intends to break the chawling law.

“Oga my garri na Ikwerre garri, expensive garri!” Ovundah reminds him.

Research has it that in the entirety of Rivers state the most expensive garri produced is Ikwerre garri, delicious when baked, soft to swallow and needs no sugar or any sweetener when soaked, likened to Ijebu garri from Yoruba land.

“Ikwerre garri, Etche garri, Garri na garri!” Obinna is leaving to his house.

“Garri no be garri ooh!” Ovundah follows him.

Its me again.

I am not a perfect writer, but lets have this one.

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DISCLAIMER: No part of this publication may be reproduced, stores in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior permission of the copyright owner.

Copyright @ Ugochukwu Peter Eke (flow1759), 2024
morfloltd@gmail.com

All rights reserved.


NOTE: I didn't finish my last story "Pitakwa", so sorry about that, so i have worked on it and produced an ebook, you can find the link to the ebook on my signature.

Okay, my fans, i am starting an new story titled "Ikwerre Man", never mind, i will finish it this time (By God's Grace). This one is funnier than any one i have written before.

PS: This story "Pitakwa" did not end here, i have written it to the end, giving it some touches here and there to make your reading experience more fun. To read it, find the link in my signature

If you want a good laugh, read this book: https://selar.co/t9u98a

WAACUT:
Flow... where are you

I am here, so sorry i left you guys

Phlimsyjay:
Happy birthday oga flow

God bless you