₦airaland Forum

“Ovundah arrives the police station with so much fear in his heart!”

“Have Etche betrayed me?”

“Have Obele and the boys been caught?”

“Is Chef Tee in Jail already?”

All these questions clouded his sense of reasoning.

“Ovundah eeeh! This na the end of the road for you!” He assures himself.

He had left Sandra in the hotel room with the instruction to deposit the about 15 million Naira left into his bank account. He trust Sandra would do exactly as he had instructed.

“Mr. Ovundah Worlu did you serve Alhaji Danguma a cup of Daimond cup juice on the 19th of September?” Inspector Bode begins.

“Me? Serve him juice!” Ovundah gathers the words, “I was not even in his house” Ovundah sees Ojeku through the glass door; he is next to be interrogated.

“Then where were you?”

“We finished lectures at about 6pm, and I decided to follow my course mate Emeka to his hostel, we ate, drank and as I was drunk I passed the night in his house”

“Are you sure of what you are saying?”

“I am sure sir!”

“And if we bring in this your course mate Emeka, he will attest to the fact that you passed the night at his place on the 19th of September?”

If only Emeka was not Johavah’s witness, maybe he could be confident enough to bear false witness to save Ovundah.

“Obele say I go soon go see Iya make she cook me up more and make me Point 2 for Iceland!” Ovundah is lying on the king-size bed at Presidential hotel.

A knock is heard on the door.

“Hey my sweetheart!” Ovundah opens.

Sandra admires the interior in the deluxe suit for a while before she sits on the bed.

“where have you been?” Sandra begins, “And who gave you the money to lodge in the prestigious Presidential hotel?”

“Look babe, that is not what you should be asking now!” Ovundah responds, ”what you should be asking now is why you are here!”

“Okay, why am I here?”

“You are here so that I can spoil you my love!” Ovundah smiles, “I have a lot of money now!”

“You have a lot of money now hnnnn!”

“Yes!” Ovundah brings out a Ghana-must-Go bag that contains 15 million Naira cash.

“Did you steal?” Sandra's mouth is ajar.

“No!”

“Are you a ritualist?”

“No!”

“Then where did you get this kind of money?”

Ovundah thought of saying the truth and immediately thought otherwise because the Sandra he knows will report him to the police straight-up.

“Bet9ja! I won bet9ja!” He says.

“You won bet9ja? Are you sure?”

“I am…………………(his phone rings)

It is the Police, they want him at the station for questioning.

Doomsday.

“Where were you on the night of 19th September?” Police investigation has commenced.

“At about 7pm I was in Alhaji’s room, we had sex and I left to the living room at about 7:10pm” Sandra is first to be questioned.

“And that’s all? Alhaji is a 10 minutes man?” Inspector Bode is sarcastic.

“Yes, that’s all!” Sandra answers, “Okay, something else, on my way out of Alhaji’s room I passed Chef Tee who was with a tray, on the tray is a glass of juice, I think he was going to serve Alhaji the juice”


“Mr. Tochukwu Nweneri, did you by any means serve Alhaji Danguma a glass of Diamond cup juice?” Chef Tee is next.

“Yes I did, he called me to bring it to his room!”

“And you served him the juice without your fingerprint on the glass! Perfect murderer!”

“I am not a murderer!”

The police are nailing the crime on Chef Tee. They are sure he has a hand in Alhaji’s death, or he knows something about the murder on the 19th of September. So far amongst the persons that have been interrogated, he is the prime suspect.


“Why una no tell me say I need to touch the cup so that my fingerprint go show” Chef Tee is standing in a bush path with Sandra and Etche beside him.

“No worry Chef Tee, that inspector Bode no fit jail you, Na Chief Chop-and-Clean-mouth boy him be!” First time Sandra spoke pidgin English.

“Who be this Chop and Clean mouth wey dey give us this plenty money since sef?”

Since Ahaji’s death Ovundah has been chopping-and-cleaning-his-mouth lodging in Presidential Hotel, he wants the love of his life to join him.

“Chef Tee, I will be needing a good knife to place on the cake!” Sandra enters the kitchen unannounced, “we forgot our own, and I can’t go back to get it!”

Ovundah’s heart skips and he quickly slips under the kitchen sink fixing God knows what.

“What? The kitchen sink is bad?” Sandra ask chef Tee.

“Yes! I called this plumber to fix it!”

“This kin plumber that is wearing face mask, does he know the job?” Sandra says, “Because we don’t need a bad plumbing job in such a day”

“Na your papa no sabi him job!” Ovundah curses from under the sink.

Sandra dilly dallies before drinking the glass of juice she is holding.

“Abi this girl don catch me!” Ovundah says to himself.

Just then Sandra phone rings, she picks.

“Hello birthday boy!” She says.

Alhaji wants her to come upstairs to show him the new sex styles she promised.

She must present herself juicy, and with a cup of juice.

Diamond cup juice.

Two days to Haj. It will be Alhaji’s birthday in 24 hours.

Sandra baked the cake. The cake and the baker are to be delivered to the celebrant before the birthday party begins.

Obele called Ovundah. There is a crown that awaits him if the mission is accomplished, a lot of money is involved.

15 million Naira is enough to win back Sandra, becoming the assistant Point 1 will guarantee no one steals his love from him again.


On the morning of September 19th, Alhaji’s compound is usually quiet. Etche is at his duty post, he had called chef Tee, its going down in few hours.

Two weeks ago Alhaji Danguma had installed CCTV at the gate. He sees who comes in and who goes out of the compound from his living room as well as his room.

The coast is clear.

“who is that person on face mask at the gate?” Alhaji points at the monitor screen as the guards hand him his ironed clothes.

“Okay, it’s the plumber?” One of guards answers, “Our kitchen sink is bad! Chef Tee called the plumber to come fix it!”

“Is the cake here?” Alhaji turns to one of the guards.

“Not yet Alhaji, I called Sandra, she said she is on her way already”

Noting can spoil such an important day for Alhaji, he is 60 years already but the celebration is going down in his living room in less than 4 hours’ time.

A lot of dignitaries will be in attendance to celebrate the diamond jubilee of Alhaji Danguma – shinning like diamond.

The heavy plumbing hand tools Ovundah is carrying drags him back as the finds his way to the kitchen. Just before he knocks at the kitchen back door, he hears a car horn at the gate. Etche Opens the gate and a Toyota car carrying Sandra, her team members at Sandro Confectioneries and Alhaji’s birthday cake drives in.

“wetin bring this girl come here! She no get sense ooh” Ovundah curses, “After she go say she no dey date Alhaji!”

Ovundah knocks once before the kitchen backdoor is opened.

The chilling condition of the kitchen is sending shiver down Ovundah’s spine.

Can he continue with this?

“you are having an affair with Alhaji Danguma right?” Ovundah is forced to ask Sandra.

“Me? Having an affair with Alhaji Danguma?” Sandra never saw that question coming.

“Yes, everyone in this campus sees you dropping from Alhaji’s car every weekend!”

“Alhaji’s car?” Sandra is cooking up lies in her mind.

“Yes, if not, who gave you the money to buy this expensive hair?” Ovundah shoots.

“And how is that any of your business?”

“See Sandra if to say I no love you ehnnn, I no go dey jealous like this!” Ovundah cries.

“I know you love me, and I love you too, but you can not fund my bills!” Sandra begins, “Look I know you are improving with the way you speak now, but that’s not all it is to love!”

“What is it to love you? What?”


“What of if him no gree drink the juice wey the chef go give am?” Ovundah and Etche is planning.

“As far as na chef Tee give am the drink, him must drink am, him trust the guy!”

“How fast the poison go kill am?” A good question to ask.

“45 minutes! Before then you go don comot for the building!”

“How I go take know the juice wey I go poison?” Ovundah ask.

“Chef Tee to show you, the name of the juice na Diamond cup!”

Ovundah at this moment wishes the bitter cup he is about to drink from should pass away, yet not his will but the will of his Point 1.

“Omomo get mind burn my mama shop!” Ovundah is holding the piece of paper displaying "By Baba Bisi".

“Abi no be him handwriting be this?” Eze is not too sure.

“Nahim na, na him handwriting!” Ovundah affirms, "I know him hand writing!".

“But nawa for Yoruba people sef!” Eze starts, “Them wicked ooh!”

“Omomo wey I don save plenty times wey bad boys wan beat am for Rumokoro market nahim do me this thing!”

“No mind them, naso Yoruba people dey, very wicked people!” Eze continues.

“I go show that boy!” Ovundah is sure to get back at Omo but not at the moment.

He has a lot on his plate already.

“Eze that your coverall wey you dey use dey repair your motor sometimes, e dey?”

“Wetin you wan use coverall do?”

“Why you dey use question dey answer my question?” Ovundah fires.

“Sorry ooh! E dey, but wetin you wan use am do?”

“I wan use am do mechanic work! Shebi you sabi ask useless question!”

What Ovundah needs at this point in time is not questions, but answers. Answers that will make the job of killing Alhaji easier.

In 3 days, Alhaji will be travelling to Mecca for haj. Time is running.

Ovundah hopes Etche’s plan works.

“Baba we don do the work, I go come house for evening!” Omo hangs up.

Omo had told Baba Bisi severally that whatever small favour he wants from him, that he was just a call away. Two weeks ago he told Omo of what Papa-O did to his daughter Bisi; Omo’s love!

84 percent of rightfully thinking young men in Nigeria will never think of sending a Gen-z girl to the university all expense paid, especially if the Gen-z girl is endowed and intelligent like Bisi. Of the 16 percent of men who are not rightfully thinking, Obinna and Omo seems to be team leaders of group A and group B respectively.

Group A team members believes “A Mango tree that is heavily spent on to nurture, every fruit from the tree must be consumed regardless of if they are ripe or unripe”

Group B is made up of those that will spend so much money on the woman, making sure she doesn’t lack anything in school, not even a writing pen. Group B team members believe there await them a “crown of glory” at the end of four years. Group B team members believe that no matter what, what is theirs will most definitely be theirs regardless of how tastefully and ripe the Mango is looking.


“How much I go pay you for this work wey you do for me?” Omo is at Baba Bisi’s.

“Ahaaan! Baba! You go pay me again? I be your pikin ooh!” Omo says, “I go soon be your inlaw sef!”

“Yes I know! But I need to give you something, at least make you use settle them your boys wey follow you do the work!”

“No worry Baba! I go settle them!” Omo smiles, “Just help me arrange that thing, I need more customers!”

In Rumuokoro market they are meat sellers and they are meat sellers, our Omo stands out amongst them all in terms of sales and turn overs. Legend has it that some of the meat sellers sell meat in the day to humans - flesh and blood, while some others sell both in the day to humans and at night to spirits. Omo does not just sell to spirits, he dines with spirits all thanks to Baba Bisi his soon-to-be father inlaw.


Omo is sweating profusely selling to about 10 customers standing in front of him. Baba Bisi’s new charm is working better than the previous one. He will buy himself a big car soon, but he forgets the evil he has done to his friend Ovundah.

Omomo!

Flash Back

“Doctor say if I no bring 500k deposit dem no go start the operation” Etche is not himself, “I no want make my mama die!”

“Oboy me sef no want make your mama die, but this kin money wey you dey ask me now, I no get am!”

“I no say you no get am, but just help me make we find where we go get the money!”

“Who I wan ask?” Ovundah is thinking.

“Oboy help me think!” Like he borrowed him his brain.

“How I go think! I don tell you say I no know who go borrow us 500k!” An idea drops.


“Austin this my guy wan make you borrow am 500k!” They are at Austin’s loan office.

Austin clears his throat and says’ “well, for me to borrow you 500k, you go provide for me landed property as collateral, two passport, 2 guarantors and we go come verify your house say na there you dey stay”

“what of if I no fit bring these things wey you talk nkor?” Etche asks.

“E mean say no loan for you!” Austin is quick to respond.


“Guy this guy wey you carry me come no serious ooh, so if I get land, I go com dey ask am to borrow me money?” They had left the loan office.

“No mind that guy, the problem wey I get with am be say anybody wey borrow money from him hand no dey fit pay back” Ovundah announces.

“nawa for you ooh! So you know like that you com carry me come meet am?”

“Yes na, I carry you come because your matter na matter of life and death, e be Emergency”

It is indeed an emergency for our short-man Etche, he promise to go any length to get the money, how he so love his mum.


“Mama-O this guy here na my friend, him name na Etche!” They moved to Mama-O 4 life.

“Okay, wetin una want? I get better Boley wey make sense!” Mama-O responds.

“No be Boley be our problem now! Mama-O ooh, I want ask you one question!” Ovundah is finding the right words to make Etche’s situation touchy to his mother.

“wetin be the question, ask!”

“If ehnnnnn, God forbid bad thing ooh, you dey hospital and you no well!” Ovundah commences, “And doctor say to do operation on you go cost 500k, and me wey be your pikin no get that kin money! Wetin you think say go happen?”

“If you no get that kin money, you go ask that your useless papa to give you the money na!”

“Okay, example ooh, if to say I no com get papa nkor?”

“But true true, you no get papa, abi you know? Abi you think say that useless man na papa?” Mama-O fires.

“Na papa him be, only be say him brain dey shake sometimes!”

“Thank God say you gree say him brain dey shake sometimes, continue wetin you dey talk abeg!”

“So if no other person wey I go ask for the money dey, I com go meet my friend, that my friend com carry me go meet him mama” He is about landing, “If that him mama no give me the money and she get am, shey she be wicked woman?”

“Yes ooh, she be wicked woman be that”

Mama-O is far from being wicked; she is far too kind.


Two months later.

Etche’s mother is well, it was time for him to start paying back the money he borrowed from Mama-O.

“Ovundah take!” Etche offers Ovundah a brown envelope, “Na 100kay dey here, I go dey pay the money 100k every month as we discuss!”

“Pay wetin na!” Ovundah wasn’t taking the envelope.

“The money wey your mama give me na!” Etche says, “I dey do garri business for my village, this one na part of my gain for this month!”

“I dash you the money, I don pay my mama back!”

“A friend in need is a friend indeed” goes a popular phrase.


Present Day

Now Ovundah is in need of a friend indeed.

“Oboy! Make I kpai Alhaji! This one hard ooh!”

“No be only you go kpai am, na me and you!” Ovundah informs him, “Me and you go dey for the picture of everything!”

Etche pictures it.

“Who go get mind burn down my mama restaurant?” Ovundah wonders as the flight arrives Cairo.


“Them say for the tree wey dey near Mama-O 4 life them see something wey them gum wey dem write “by baba Bisi” on top”

“Eheen?” Tunde is lost in his thought.

“Yes na! them write am for paper”

“Oboy, make e no be wetin I dey think so nahim happen!” Tunde returns.

“wetin you dey think?”

“shebi you say Papa-O been arrest Bisi for Ovundah department because say them suspect say na she kidnap Ovundah?”

“Yes na, Na Eze my brother tell Papa-O say him dey suspect say na Bisi kidnap Ovundah!”

“Na the revenge be this! Bisi papa don revenge!”


“Chituru I hear say dem burn down your husband first wife shop!” One woman is at Chituru’s provision store.

“Eheen! You mean am?”

“Yes ooh, them burn down everything to pieces” The woman continues.

“Eyaaah! I know say I no like the woman, but this one bad ooh!”

“E bad ooh, And ehnnnn” She draws closer to Chituru, “People dey suspect say na that Babalawo man send boys to go burn the place!”


“I need to act quick! Obele say I need to kill Alhaji before him go Mecca!” Ovundah is thinking in his hotel room in Cairo.

“Should I poison him? Should I put a time bomb in his vehicle? I should snip him from a distance? I should go spiritual? Who can help me?”

Then he remembers Etche Alhaji’s gate man. It was time for Etche to return the favour he had done for him while they were working at the bus stop.

“Oboy I need small favour from you!” Ovundah and Obinna are drinking at Central Afrika.

“Wetin be the favour, you wan borrow my shoe again?”

“No ooh, no be shoe something”

“Then wetin e be?”

“Obinna I wan make you introduce me to Alhaji Danguma” Ovundah begins, “I wan dey help am do the coco business!”

“You say wetin?” Obinna could not believe his ears.

“I mean am, I get calling for that business, God reveal am to me for dream!”

“Oboy why you dey talk that kin nonsense na? Shey God dey reveal bad business for person for dream?” Obinna rebukes.

“But my guy I really need to join the business, I go deliver well for Alhaji!”



Ovundah learned the ropes so quickly two months in the dirty business.

“Look, we have to take these packages to Egypt, and you know for you to do that, you have to swallow pounded yam!” Alhaji instructs the boys.


“Correct! Alhaji wan give us Pounded yam, me I dey like am with Egusi soup and better goat meat!!” Ovundah tells one of the boys Ojeku as they walk downstairs.

“Oboy! You get sense so? Alhaji dey talk say we go swallow the coco with pounded yam, when we reach Cairo for Egypt wey go s’hit am comot, you dey talk nonsense!”

“Choi! That thing risky ooh!! What of if e burst for our belle?”

“E no go fit burst!”

Now the only thing that has “burst” now is “Kasala”.

Kasala don burst.

Mama-O 4 life have been burnt down.

Good news is Bisi’s father is Babalawo.

Bad news is Ovundah is yet to be found.

“Okay now, you don dey selina tested! No bullet fit enter your body!” Obele is pleased to announce.

When one is selina tested no bullet or any other metal for that matter can penetrate the person. Now our Ovundah is selina tested all because he wants to win back his love, in the process he has been initiated to Iceland confraternity.

“So Point 1 wetin be the assignment?” He is eager to know.

“The assignment dey simple! Take down Alhaji Danguma!”

“Make I take am down?”

“Yes you need to take am down! You know why?” Obele says.

“because nahim dey colobi your girlfriend” This statement is a spear to Ovundah's heart.

This assignment is one Ovundah need to take so seriously like his life depends on it because, his life actually depends on it, but first he needs to appear at home before Eze will declare him dead and marry Bisi as first wife and Sandra a second.


“Olabisi Omo mi, who did this to you, that person don buy market ooh” Bisi is lying on the bed in her father’s house in Rukpokwu.


“Ghost!!!” Eze and Tunde takes to their heels.

“I no be ghost! Na me Ovundah!” Ovundah takes a seat.

“No be you! You don die for two weeks now!” Eze says.

“Na your papa go die for two weeks!” Ovundah curses, “I just go vacation nahim make una no see me!”

“Oboy which kin vacation wey you go wey you switch off your phone, come make all of us dey fear think say you don die?”

“Na me and Sandra go vacation, i off my phone because we no need disturbance, we go vacation for Ghana!”

“Hahahahahaha!” Eze laughs.

“Oboy why you dey laugh?” Ovundah thinks Eze and Tunde bought his lies.

“How I no go laugh? You wan go vacation, na for Ghana you dey go, you no see Sechelles make you go for vacation?”

“That one concern you! Ghana no be country?”

“Guy you be local Ikwerre man ooh, vacation for Ghana!”

“Na jealousy go kill you, abeg where Obinna dey, I need to see am! We get talk!”

Ovundah’s plan to take down Alhaji will involve Obinna.

It been two weeks and no one knows the whereabouts of Ovundah.

“You sure say him never commit suicide!” Tunde is curious.

“And him phone dey switch off!”

“make we call him Papa tell am say we never see him pikin for two weeks now!” Eze says.

Eze calls Papa-O and tells him his son is missing, this is his response:

“I dey my Ikwerre town hall meeting I will come to your house this evening!”

Since Papa-O gave Ovundah the house at Rumuodomaya to live there and collect rents from the tenants as a means to meet his needs, he hardly shows up in the compound. There was no reason to come to the compound after Chituru parked out.

“I dey suspect say that Yoruba girl Bisi for him department nahim go kidnap am!” Eze says as Papa-O enters the compound.

“Are you sure?” Papa-O asks.

“I am sure! The girl been dey like Ovundah but him no gree for her!” Eze is biting more than he can chew.

Papa-O’s hatred for Yorubas started when one reckless taxi driver hit him by the side while he was about crossing the road to his compound in Rukpokwu, the walking stick that aids his walking reminds him of the accident. The hatred for Yorubas became stronger when one Yoruba guy tried snatching Chituru his girlfriend from him.

Guess what? That Yoruba guy who tried to take his girlfriend from him is Tunde. Our very own Tunde!

“Eze this thing wey you tell Papa-O so, you sure?” Obinna whispers to Eze.

“I sure die!”

Bisi is arrested, flogged to confess to the crime she didn’t commit.

Now the story just began.

The story of what will go down in history as a brutal tribal war in Ikwerre land.

It is 6:45pm as Ovundah walks down the road close to the University back gate when he hears a loud screech and a bus from nowhere parks beside him.

“Echchccccch! Enter this bus!” One guy on dark shades commands him.

“Me? I no dey go ooh, I dey trek!”

“Oga treker! I say enter this bus!” The guy repeats.

“I say I no dey go, I wan go park go enter motor wey dey go Rumuokoro.

A gun is pointed at him and he stops arguing abruptly.

“Okay sir, I dey go, make I enter!”


“You get mind dey pursue my girlfriend!” Obele seems shorter close range than in a distance.

“Me? Pursue your girlfriend? I dey mad?”

“Maybe you dey mad!” One of the boys with axe responds.

“Oga Obele I no even get girlfriend for this Uniport, if no be that girl wey her mouth dey smell wey her name na Bisi, she no wan gree me rest!” Tears in his eyes.

“Who be Bisi? I dey talk of Sandy you dey talk Bisi!” Obele fires.

“Sardine! Me I no dey chop sardine ooh, I no dey like the fish, e dey make me vomit!” Now our Ovundah is going crazy.

“This one na junky ooh!” One of the hefty men points the gun he is holding at Ovundah, “You think say na Nollywood wey de act here?”

“Yes, I mean No!” Ovundah is vibrating.

“You like my girlfriend Sandra abi?” Obele asks Ovundah.

“Sandra? Na your girlfriend?” Ovundah is shock.

“You like her, answer me?” Obele yells.

“Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Oga Obele I love Sandra, I love that girl, but I no know say you like her too!” Ovundah stammers.

Obele looks away for a while and says, “You get mind ooh, you dey love woman wey I love!”

“No be so Oga Obele, I first and love her before you second and love her, me and Sandra don tey no be today!”

Obele looks away again and after few seconds he turns and says, “I have an assignment for you!”

“Assignment? Oga Obele, I no wan join cult! I fit die!” He cries.

“Will you shut up! No be cult something!”

It was better Ovundah joins Iceland Confraternity than starting the assignment at hand.

“Never believe anything is impossible, have an open mind, find what it takes to succeed, chances are it will work”, goes the quote from the popular entrepreneur Tony Elumelu.

It is indeed working. Smoking weed and reading is working. Now Ovundah is studying well, he sleeps well too.

“Oboy this one wey you dey sleep for outside this kin early morning!” Tunde wakes him up.

“Choi!! Choi!! I don late for lectures!” Ovundah jerks from the chair.

On his way to school Ovundah is thinking of how things have really changed in a short while.

How he now scores 25 over 30 in test when compared to Eze writing test for him and scoring 12 over 30. How he now answers questions asked in lecture halls. How he has suddenly become popular in the department. How Bisi is always asking him to explain some topics in difficult courses with her paying the gestures not in cash but in kind. How Sandra has changed his life overnight.

“What will I buy for her in appreciation for all that she has done for me?” He alight a taxi at School gate junction.

“Okay I know what I will buy for her, I will buy her chocolate!”


“Thank you for the chocolate! So how is your scores now?” Sandra is seated at the restaurant with a bowl of ice cream in front of her!”

“My scores is wonderment!” Ovundah responds.

“Not wonderment, it is wonderful!” Sandra corrects him.

“See, I want to tell you something ooh, don’t be offended ooh!”

“It depends on what you want to tell me!”

“I say make I know ooh, some of my guys say them dey see you with Obele!” Ovundah spills.

Sandra clears her throat and says; “Obele? He is just a friend, I am not dating him ooh!”

“Thank God ooh! I told my friends that you can’t date that kind of lengeh-lengeh boy” Ovundah is glad.

Lengeh-Lengeh is not the name of a reggae artist from Jamaica, it is a pidgin English slag that refers to someone that is lanky. For example Tuface Lengeh-Lengeh, Patoranking Langeh-Lengeh, James Brown Lengeh-Lengeh, just name it but don’t mention Portable, he is lengetious.

“He is lanky for sure but I hope you know he can be very dangerous too?” Sandra says.

“Yes I know na, is he not the……………… (Sandra cuts)"

“……………………… and tell your friends to mind their business, I mean are they in school to be nosy in other people’s business?”

“Don’t mind them, nosy people, their names should be Nosa!” Sandra laughs.

“I can do anything to get back my love!” Ovundah tells himself.

“Eze! Obinna! I no want make una dey write exam for me again, I will write it myself!” Ovundah announces to the Dunukofia brothers at Central Afrika bar.

“Oboy this small beer wey you drink now don dey shark you!” Eze mentions.

“I no dey shark, I dey give una update, I want to be responsible! If I pass, I pass! If I fail, I fail!” Ovundah is ready to take the bull by the horn.

“Oboy if na wetin you don decide, remember say na third year you dey enter and una go start to dey do tough tough borrowed course!” Obinna reminds him.

“I know! God is my strength”

If God be for Ovundah, who can be against him, what can be against him, not even Human Psychology 301.

“Mama O, abeg borrow me money I wan buy some textbook for school!” Ovundah sits at Mama-O 4 life thinking of how the journey he is about to embark on would look like.

Ovundah have tried drinking and studying, it didn’t work; he slept off, he tried eating bitter kola before studying; he ended up with a brown teeth, he tried dipping his feet on a bowl of water while studying; he ended up trying out hot water and got his feet burnt, he tried eating fresh waterleaf before studying; he ended up with food poisoning. What else was left?

Eze suggested he eats Amala dudu before studying.

“How Amala go make person read and understand?” Ovundah responded to him.

“See I wan ask you something? Which language know book pass for Nigeria?”

“Ikwerre, Na Ikwerre na!” Ovundah answers.

“tah! Shurup there! Ikwerre no know anything? No be tout all of una be? Even Igbo know book pass una!”

“na lie abeg”

“The language wey know book pass na Yoruba, you know why?”

“Why?” Ovundah needs to know.

“Amala dudu! Amala dudu nahim dey make dem know book, you no see say na Yoruba people be professor pass!”


Ovundah finish eating Amala dudu and Ewedu soup worth 5,000 Naira at Amala Affairs beside Central Afrika bar and walks straight home to make sure nothing stops the efficacious “elixir” to work appropriately.

He gets home, puts on his TV and what sees him is a man saying; “when I want to study well, I smoke weed!”

Another solution is here.

“Obinna you go borrow me one of that your shoe I wan go see my babe Sandra!” Ovundah knocks at Obinna’s door early in the morning.

“Guy you go pay me 1k for me to hire my shoe for you!”

“Me, I go pay you 1k abi? No worry! When I pay you the money finish you go do transfer for me for rent!”

“I just dey play na! How I go collect money from my landlord to hire my shoe!” Obinna taps Ovundah, “You and Sandra don come back together?”

“E be like say we go soon come back, she wan make we sidon talk for Sammies”

“make sense! Wetin you go buy her if una dey talk?”

“Na pizza I go buy na, you know say she dey like pizza!”


Its 7pm and Ovundah is been waiting for Sandra in Sammies for 1 hour. He had already dotted his Is’ and crossed his Ts’.

“If she ask me say why I want her back, wetin I go tell her?” Ovundah ask himself.

“I go tell her say because I love her, I really loving you!”


“You really loving me?” Sandra has arrived.

“Yes Sandra I really loving you with all my heart!”

“You see the problem with you, you have refused to work on you grammar, always speaking gibberish!”

“Gibbarich! Wetin be gibbarich?” Ovundah is confused.

“Gibberish! Gibberish means speaking Queen’s English!”

“Yeah! Thank you, I dey try small small, before I go graduate from school, I go don start to dey speak King English!”

“That reminds me, I heard you are now paying people to write exams for you!”

“Me? Who told you?” Ovundah ventures to deny.

“See I heard it from a reliable source in your department, you better don’t deny it!”

“make I no lie, Eze and Obinna dey help me write the exams wey hard, while me I dey write the ones wey easy!”

Sandra pause for a while and said; “You want me to be your girlfriend back?”

“Yes Sandra I love you”

“Well, if you love me, write your Year three and final year exams yourself and graduate with 2 one!”

A huge task. The things we do for love.

“Hey littleman how are you?” Sabulachi enters Ovundah’s room to meet his guest.

“Fine anti, I greet you!”

“fine boy, how are you!”

“I am fine anti, I wan tell you something!” Sobulachi begins.

“what is it?”

“wetin I wan tell so na wetin my brother wan do wey I no like” He sits on the bed, “Him want make I dey knock for door when una dey inside the room”

“Really?” IB is surprised.

“And as a fine anti wey you be, I decide say I no go fit do this kin bad thing to you”

“Awnnnnn! That’s really thoughtful of you!”

“Him say him go give me 1k make I do the thing for am, no be about the money ooh, I just like you!” Bloody liar.

“Eyaaah! That’s very nice of you ooh, so what can I offer you now?” IB puts her hand into her purse.

“Me? Anything you fit offer me ooh, even if na 5k, I no mind!”

IB counts some cash and offers SObulachi, then she said, “Take this! This is 7k, make sure you go far from this place while we are in the room, buy biscuits, share with your friends and don’t return till night falls”

“Omo! Anti with this kin money wey you give me, I no go even return till tomorrow!”

Better for IB.

“Oboy! This one wey be say I never give you the 1k wey I promise you and you dey chop fish, where you see money?” Ovundah meets Sobulachi outside eating large size fish.

“no ooh brother, I just say make I chill for here dey chop fish until you bring my 1k, I dey prepare how I go take knock for the door, I dey sharp my hand” Sobulachi shows Ovundah how ready his knuckles are.

“make sense, so I go pay after you don do the work abi?” Ovundah is aware of how cunny his younger brother can be.

“Oga pay before service, unless you no want me to do the job?”

“I dey mad? Why I no go want you to do the job? I dey joke jor, take the 1k” Ovundah offers Sobulachi 1,000 Naira note.

“Brother how the knocking go be? Shey you want kpom-kpom knocking or kpai-kpai knocking?”

“Which one dey loud pass?” Ovundah didn’t know he is been fooled by the one that claims he loves him.

“Kpom-kpom dey loud pass kpai-kpai! So if you need kpom-kpom you go add extra 1k to make am 2k”

“But you no tell me all this things since na!”

“Brother na new update be dat!”

Ovundah offers Sobulachi extra 1,000 Naira believing the job is done as he enters the compound with the cold drink he went to buy for IB.

Sobulachi spending the holiday with Ovundah will turn out to be a blessing to him, or so he thought.

“See Sobulachi, I want make you help me do something” Ovundah drags Sobulachi outside.

“wetin be the thing?” Sobulachi queries, “brother hope say no be say you want make I help you go thief brother Obinna shoe like that other day, me I no want make then catch me ooh!”

“No be that one, you see that fine woman wey dey for my room?”

“I see her! She fine wella!”

“Yes I know say she fine!” Ovundah continues, “I want make you help me do something!”

“brother tell me the thing, I fit do anything for you! You be my brother” Those words were assuring to Ovundah.

“I want make you dey knock for my room door every five minutes!”

“Brother!! You tell me say the fine woman na your church member and una wan do praise and worship abi? Sobulachi reminds him, “but if I dey knock for the door, I go dey disturb una for the praise and worship wey una wan do na!”

“I know, but this kin praise and worship need disturbance! E need knocking on the door, them dey call am knocking-on-the-door-praise-and-worship, na new kind of praise and worship” Ovundah thinks he can deceive 6 years old Sobulachi.

“Brother I never hear this kin praise and worship before!”

“You never hear am because you no dey choir, me I dey choir!”

“Eheen? Brother so you don join choir? For which church?”

There is silence as Ovundah who is not even a church goer not to talk of being in the choir thinks of a name of church to tell our inquisitive Sobulachi.

“Mountain of fire! Mountain of fire na the church wey I dey go now!”

There will indeed be mountains of fire in the room if Sobulachi fails to grant his elder brother's request.

“Tunde I wan ask you something!” Ovundah is thinking.

“wetin be that?” Tunde sits beside him.

“If you love someone like as you love Yemisi for example, and she com stop to love you” He begins, “and you want her to start to love you again, and the only person wey go fit talk to her na her friend, that her friend com say make you knack her before she go help you talk to her, shey you go gree knack her?”

“Wait make I ask, shey that her friend fine?” Tunde asks.

“E no matter na, e no matter weda she fine or not, na your girlfriend friend be say na your girlfriend friend!”

“Well if na me, I go knack her on one condition!”

“wetin be the condition?” Ovundah is curious.

“The condition na say if she get big nyash!”

Truth is IB has the biggest backside in the department of Mass communication and beyond. Another truth is big backside scars Ovundah.

“Oboy use your head ooh, them no dey miss big nyash ooh!” Tunde stands to leave.

“How I go take do this kin thing, I get conscience na!”

“Brother e get one fine woman wey wan see you!” Sobulachi tells Ovundah.

Now there is no chicken out for Ovundah in IB – Ovundah gate.

“Oboy! How far? I see that your girl dey come down from one jeep!” Emeka runs to Ovundah, “the jeep be like that Alhaji Danguma jeep!”

“You mean am?” Ovundah’s heart skips.

“Yes na! E be like say Alhaji dey run your babe, So how you wan do am na?”

“You sure say na Alhaji jeep you see?” Ovundah wants to believe he is dreaming.

Ovundah wish this dream never comes true till the end of time. Sandra, the department of Mass communication’s finest is a spec drop dead gorgeous to sweep any man off their feet, Ovundah’s love, now he is swept under the carpet because he can’t speak well.

“But I love this girl! I did!”

“You did? Why did you?” Emaka is mocking Ovundah’s choice of words.

“I did because na she be the only woman wey dey make me happy”

“You mean am? What of Bisi?”

“Leave that smelling mouth girl abeg, I don’t like her at all!”

“See if you truly like this Sandra and you can’t let go of her, go for her!”

“But how can I go for her? She no wan talk to me!”

Emeka is speechless for a while before he says’ “I have an idea!”

“which kin idea?”

“If she doesn’t want to talk to you, go through her friend IB!”

Ibifuro George is Sandra’s bosom friend no gainsaying that, that the beautiful student of mass communication is always sex starved is a point to note.


“IB I need you to help me talk your friend, tell her say I still love her!”

“You still love her? What of me that likes you?” IB grabs Ovundah’s palm and sends a message.

“But I no like you na!” Ovundah spills.

“you no like me abi? Oya come force me to talk to your my friend na!” IB threatens.

“Sorry IB, that is not what I mean, I mean say you no be my kind of girl, but sha you fine ooh”

“Ehnn if I fine, then do it with me!”

“Do wetin?”

Do the do.

The rumbling of stomach can lead one to speak gibberish with a touch of Swahili.

“Oboy! My belle dey disturb me, where I go fit s’hit?”

The school management have in recent times embarked on a bush clearing campaign due to the invasion of snakes into lecture halls.

“Oboy no where wey you go fit sh’it ooh, all the bush don go!” Emeka; a course mate sadly informs Ovundah.

“I no go fit hold this s’hit ooh, before I reach house I go s’hit for body!”

I forgot to mention that Bisi’s hearing organ is so sharp and could pick whispers from as far as 200 metres.

She walks towards Ovundah the apple of her eyes and said; “what is troubling you my sweetheart?”

“Nothing! I am just reading my textbook!” He fumbles as he opens a book in front of him.

The stench from Bisi’s mouth changes periodically; sometimes it is spoiled condensed milk, some other times it is Olefins, as she stands beside Ovundah it is over-fermented palm wine that he perceives.

“Is it the Palm wine you drank this morning at that joint in Delta Campus that is disturbing your stomach?” Ovundah is shocked Bisi saw him entering 007 early in the morning.

“Maybe it is ooh! Is there a toilet in school that I can use?”

There are numerous toilets in the campus, but using any of them could mean disaster for Ovundah; he could suddenly die of Asthma.

“You know what? my hostel is close, you can use my toilet!”

Dream come true for Bisi.

Bisi from Ibadan who toasted Ovundah in the dark.

The next morning after the night studies in school Ovundah was like “Ahhh Lagbaja!”

Bisi vows not to forgive her dad for giving her tribal marks. Her tribal mark is not the most evil thing on Bisi’s body, her bad breath is another disaster.


“I like that una course rep!” Eze told Ovundah sometime ago.

“That girl mouth dey smell well well!”

“You sure?”

“I sure die! Her mouth dey smell like septic tank!”

“Hmmmmmm! Guy you don dey sabi English ooh! Septic tank!”

“Oga I just dey warn you ooh, no near that girl ooh, you fit die because of mouth odour!”

“Look I can help her have a good breath!” Eze is sure, until he speaks to him close range.


“why are you facing another side while talking to me?” Bisi says to Eze as they walk out of the hall after the test.

“Nothing, I am just looking to see if my friends are going home leaving me behind!”

“Okay, Are they?” Eze would rather Bisi keeps her mouth shut.

“They are gone! I wanted to ask you, I hope the answer to that number 10 objective is The Law is an Ass!”

“You like my Ass!” Bisi coins another statement.

“I did not say I like your Ass!” Eze is almost screaming, "I said, Is the answer to number 10 The Law is an Ass?”

“Yes the answer is The Law is an Ass!!” Eze is almost telling Bisi to use sign language to respond to him; his stomach rumbles now.

“Weda or wedan’t Alhaji Danguma go free my brother and Chidi Imo” Eze nods his head to the song of Phyno “so far so good” playing in Tunde’s car.

“So far so good, we try and we deliver the parcel, if we reach house we go call Alhaji say we don deliver the thing, so make him try release our guys tomorrow morning!”

“I tell you say weda or wedan’t him go realise them”

“which one be weda or wedan’t again na?” Tunde is forced to ask.

“Onye Yoruba, you know English?”


“Odogwu Akataka!!” Ovundah hails Eze, “You know say tomorrow na my test!”

“Yes, I know, shebi you get the money wey you go take settle me?” Eze asks.


As Eze walks pass Abuja campus towards the department of Linguistics all he was thinking of is how he would gather money to fix his vehicle.

“Abi make I go sell Obinna shoe before him go come back from police cell?”



“The test starts in 15 minutes time, the lecturer is on his way” Bisi the course rep announces.

Ooh Bisi!

Her backside? Massive. Olugbajie boys like Eze always call her, Bisi is the kind of proverbial Coke bottle shape.

Eze once told Obinna and Tunde of a sudden massive erection almost tearing his underwear in the first exams he wrote for Ovundah, while other people were focused on the rather difficult exam questions, he too was focused but all of a sudden lost focus when he turned to Bisi for answer to number 6.

His number 6 was shutdown all of a sudden immediately he saw Bisi’s leg wide open.

Aside the short skit, there was nothing else she wore.

Bisi was so concentrated in the exam that she did not notice her “gate” was wide open and Eze’s neck was awkwardly stiff.

“You later write anything for that exam abi na Kpekus, Kpekus you write” Obinna asks after he narrated the incident.

“I write na, I later straight my neck after I don look taya!”

From that Day Eze vowed to have a taste of that thing he saw in between Bisi’s leg.

tahir01:
Kemi don waylay them.

Bad girl nahim she be

“Eccccchhh! Abobi make una lap!” Ovundah and Eze freezes.

Ovundah could hear Eze’s heartbeat pounding.

“Oboy you hear wetin dem talk, dem say make we lap!”

In Port Harcourt, The command “Lap!” isn’t asking the victim of the circumstance if his/her favourite food was chicken lap. It’s a must-obey order; one that could make one faint or die on the spot.

“you say make we lap? Weeda you na?” Ovundah turns.

“Weeda you to tell me Weeda you!” Now Eze is confused at the Weeda flying up and down.

“Who goes you na!” Ovundah returns.

“I say weeda una na! Una wan collect?” At this point in time the only thing Eze needs to collect are extra legs from Ovundah or the man smoking indian h’emp.



“Oboy you sabi fear?” Ovundah says as they walk to the bus stop after delivering the parcel.

“why I no go fear? I blame you? If to say I carry my motor take make this movement we for go through all this wahala just to deliver one small parcel? weeda this, weeda that”

“You don forget say you say your motor no good!” Eze is losing his mind.

“Guys wetin una dey do here?” They heard a voice.

Not again! No more Weedas!

“My papa dey call me, wait make I pick the call!” Ovundah’s phone rings, he turns to a corner to pick the call.

“Yes who are you looking for!” A short man opens the gate.

“I am looking for……………” Eze looks towards Ovundah who is making a call, “we are looking for Alhaji”

“Ovundah! Na you be that?” The short man is surprised.

“Etche!! Wetin you dey do here?” Etche seems shorter than he was when Ovundah left the red pipe business.

“My brother, I have to leave that work for Manuchi, Alhaji employ me say make I be him gate man” Both men shakes hands.

“Who una dey find?” Etche asks.

“We dey find Alhaji, we get small talk with am”

“Hope no wahala sha?”

“No ooh, no wahala ooh, we just wan talk to am!”

“okay No wam ooh!” Etche says, “After una see am finish, you dey owe me one bottle of beer”

“Oboy so you never change? Make beer no kill you one day!” Ovundah and Eze enter the compound.

“Forget that thing abeg! Buy me beer, you be big boy!”

“No shaking!”

No wam, No shaking, No wahala, No yawa, No wayo, No leyley, just add “No” to any word that comes to your mind, then it means No problem.


“problem dey ooh, how we go deliver this parcel before 9pm!” Eze is scared.

“No dey fear, we go deliver am!”

“Nawa for you ooh, shey you know the place wey Alhaji say we go deliver am? Diobu!!”

Diobu in Port Harcourt is likened to Ajegunle in Lagos, the scariest place in the city. You can loose your phone, your wallet, you shoes, your trouser, your shirt, your inner wear and end up losing your life if you venture pass some notorious streets in Diobu by 7pm not to talk of 9pm.

How they found themselves in Diobu only Ovundah can tell. The assignment is 60 percent done.

The rest 40 percent is the most difficult task for our Eze.

Whoever thought Obinna and Chidi Imo would end up in police cell.

“Make we go beg Alhaji Danguma make him realise them!” Eze couldn't find words to speak.

“You sure say na Alhaji Danjuma lock them up?” Ovundah says to Eze.

“Yes, naso Chidi Imo tell me when I go visit them for police station” Eze narrates, “him tell me say the motor wey Alhaji buy for them, some people wey wear police uniform collect am from them”

“But why police go collect their motor from them na?”

“Those people no be real police them be, them be armed robbers” Eze continues, “Chidi Imo tell me say na Obinna cause am, say him go carry one girl wey be the leader of the armed robber for the motor”

“So how Alhaji Danjuma come take involve for this whole thing?” Ovundah is confused.

“You know say Alhaji and them Obinna been dey run one parolls!” Eze couldn't find the right words, “Chidi Imo been tell me when I go see them for police station say Alhaji package been dey inside the motor wey the armed robbers collect nahim make Alhaji arrest them!”

“Nawa for Obinna ooh, e go dey do bad business!”

“No mind am, sometimes I dey wonder weda we be truly brothers, weda we from the same place!”

“Una from the same place na, Dunukofia abi?” Ovundah reminds him.

“Yes, I sure say I from Dunukofia for Anambra state but I no sure if Obinna from there, because the guy no get sense at all!”

“Eheen! I just remember say I get test tomorrow, I forget to tell you since!” Ovundah remembers.

“You get test?”

“Yes, and you know say na you go help me write am”

Eze pauses for a while and says; “I go write the test for you, and na 5k you go pay me, but before then, we need to go Alhaji house go beg am make him realise my brother Obinna!”

“But sha e for better say na you dey that police station instead of Obinna, you know say you get mind pass am!” Ovundah is looking for trouble.

“Na your papa go go police station!”