₦airaland Forum

12 for ya elsy

her royal higness 19babe

@OP

This is scary and i would advise your friend to keep that pregnancy, she's made the mistake already and there is nothing anyone can do about it at the moment the only obvious solution would be murdering the poor baby and in that process she might lose her life as well,

Please ask your friend to keep the baby i wouldnt mind taking possesion and bringing up the baby,

That is the best i can advise in this case afterall money wey dem take dey train pikin dem no dey save am,

One luv

This is sure one of the best and most educating threads on this Forum and i want to take out time to thank the OP of this thread and all who have contributed to far.A big kudos to those who were able to prove a point against the belief that "life abroad is really better abroad" and this respect goes to the likes of Akolawole,metroman,hotstepper just to mention a few,

I am very much against this general belief that life abroad is really better than life in Nigeria this belief might really be frowned upon by most folks who are in nigeria,but would you blame them Hell no, why?"Because who no go no know"and how about those abroad who hold this view as well??i would say these are folks who lack self confidence,who do not believe they can do better than what they presently have,living a false life and so to speak settle for mediocrity forgetting that you can be whatever you want to be if you really work hard at it,

If i knew what i know now believe me i would have rested my ass in Nigeria than come here and be faced with what i never bargained for but still had to make see it as an opportunity to raise some capital to start up something for myself and be self-reliant (WORKING FOR A BOSS??GOD FORBID).I've noticed that most people in here who argued for this belief are mostly the U.S based nigerians and believe me i am not suprised at all, why because most of them think they've gotten into heaven and as such it is bye bye to Nigeria and when it finally dawns on them that this is afterall not the heaven they thought it was they would have spent like 10 years there and would have just realized how they've been living a fairy-tale life in a bid to correct this a plan would have been hatched at this point to start buttoning up to meet up with his peers back home who took their destiny in their hands in their own country and before you know it they've clocked another 10 years trying to meet up but still swimming in the same position without realizing it while the gentleman in Nigeria within these extra 10 years has gone a notch higher, when eventually they find out its a lost battle to correct their mistakes they then finally settle into the system iAbroad and if God helps they might be visiting Niger once in a while and all you get from them is their slangs and big big grammars,

Life in Nigeria is not without any hiccups yes i know but tell me where on this planet is there a country close to or been called heaven without it's own fair share of hiccups,
What most of us tend to forget is that no matter how blue or whatever color your passport is the fact remains that you are a "transplant" wherever you are presently so long as you are Nigerian because home is home come what may"Aju o da bi ile, "

The main problem with most of us is that we are often scared of taking on our problems and destiny head on and make the best of it instead we are happy limiting our capabilities and believing what we have presently is the best we ever can achieve (as for me i refuse to settle for mediocrity),

I've got a friend who was living here but after some years decided he has had enough went back to Nigeria finally because he realized and believed it earlier before us that he can live a real better life in Nigeria, he comes around once or twice every year and you need to see this guy spending euros like he works in a european bank,

How is life abroad really better than life in Nigeria when i will be close to having no savings on a 1500 euros per month pay check and on a 1000 euros pay check in Nigeria im sure of saving at least 500 euros with the same level of comfort you can boast of abroad (yes i repeat same comfort)

The bottom line is this, most people still in Nigeria just don't want to hear that life abroad is not what they think it is and i really do not blame them because i was a victim too but now i know better, Has anyone on this forum here ever called home and been told by his or her family members that Mr so so and so who just left nigeria 6 months ago just came back home to buy house in VGC this and that believing afterall its same abroad this Mr so so and so went is the same abroad you are in and havent achieved such feat, they don't understand that some guymen come in here and within 3 months make more than the amount of money most people work legitimately for like 10 years to save here, In a case like that i understand there is nothing you can tell someone who's bent on leaving Niger that the life here is not what he or she thinks because he sure will think you are an enemy of progress,

I have read some folks here talking about saving 3000USD or 4000USD in about 3 months and buying a house and all what nots, the question is this at what cost where you able to save this much in about 3 months and how many hours of work did you have to clock in to achieve this feat, Buying of house abroad, you can only tell this to people in Nigeria who do not know how the system works and they will envy you not me because i know how it works, Its simply just like a tag that you are taking a mortgage and the house in real fact is not yours until after about 30yrs and you dare not default within these years or else you are phucked,

Got a whole lot to write in here but got to go now will be back to remodify this post,

Abeg i dey go Niger go contribute my own quota employ the number of people i fit employ make we dey struggle dey go small small

I came,i saw and i've realized life is not really better abroad,

A WORD OF ADVICE FOR THOSE PLANNING ON TRAVELLING OUT OF NIGERIA

Please if you intend to come hustle illegally and all that shait if not for the purpose of studies please have a rethink because you will sure regret this decision, its just not what it seems the life here is so planned that you can't even survive on one job and the goverment knows how much you are supposed to have left after paying all of your bills this is why it is easier to track down those involved in shady deals,

ABEG USE THE SMALL MONEY WEY YOU WAN TAKE RUN COME HERE TAKE START ONE SMALL BUSINESS AND CONCENTRATE ON AM AND SEE WHERE YOU'LL BE IN LESS THAN 3 YRS,

One love peeps

jaygurl:
hi, am also a birthday mate. mine is on d 4th.anyone born on d 4th?
my mail add. jaygurl4me@yahoo.co.uk

Hi bday mate im jan 4th, capricorns rock for shizzleeeee

hey nilla good to see u online pls can u send me a link to the copter game i cant find the thread u put it on, help pls feeling bored n need to fly that copter, tnks

UP GUNNERSSSSSS

ARSENAL 3 LIVERPOOL 0

BRING ON CHELSKIIIIIIIIII

UP GUNNERSSSSSS

ARSENAL 3 LIVERPOOL 0

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um , no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea, "

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And, the third donor is an
attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"

"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart. "It was easy," explained the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In heaven, the angels asked god where he would spend his next holiday.
God said: At least not on earth. Last time I went there, I left a girl pregnant and those people haven't stopped talking about it since!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed raging fire pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'

'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'



A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!" Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!" Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"

The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation. Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"



Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well, ?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper, Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God, '."




There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."



Q. What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?
A. It takes only one nail to hang a painting.

Q. What did the Roman soldiers say to Christ as they were nailing him to the cross?
A. Cross your legs we only have one nail left"

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.



A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is placed at normal adult height, and the little fellow just can't reach. After watching the boy's sorry efforts for some time as he moves closer to the boy's position, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing one hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over the boy and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the urchin replies, "Now we run like Hell!"




Jesus, hanging on the cross, spots Peter in the crowd at the bottom of the hill. "Peter," he calls. "Peter." Peter hears his name and replies, "I hear, Lord, I'm coming," and starts up the hill toward the cross. A Roman guard blocks Peter's way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your arm." But Peter says, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me," and tries to pass the guard, who cuts off his arm with a sword.

Jesus calls again, "Peter, Peter, ", so Peter continues, bleeding and in terrible pain, up the hill toward the cross. Another guard blocks his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other arm." Peter ignores this, saying, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to pass the second guard, the guard cuts off his other arm with his sword. Jesus calls again, "Peter, ," so Peter, getting weak from the pain, continues up the hill. A third guard blocks his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your leg." Peter says to the guard, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to continue up the hill, the guard cuts off his leg. Peter falls in a heap of pain and blood, but still manages to push and drag himself up the hill toward the cross with his one remaining leg. Jesus calls again,

"Peter, Peter, " Peter replies, "I hear, Lord, I'm coming." Another guard steps in front of Peter and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other leg." Peter squirms top try to pass the guard, so the guard cuts off Peter's other leg. In excruciating pain, Peter uses sheer willpower to drag his mutilated body to the base of the cross.

Panting, he raises his eyes toward Jesus and says, "I am here, Lord. I have answered your call. Jesus looks down at Peter and says, "Peter, I can see your house from here!"




Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to! you?" The Lord replies, "A penny.
"Smith asks," Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute".



Three guys die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them "whatever you do, don't step on a pink cloud". The first guy goes off wandering. when he comes back, he's accompanied by one of the ugliest women you've ever seen. "What happened to you?" asked the other two. "I stepped on a pink cloud" he replied. The second guy goes off wandering and comes back with an even uglier girl. "what happened to you" they asked. "I stepped on a pink cloud." The last guy goes off wandering and comes back with the most beautiful woman any of them have ever seen. "What happened" they asked. the woman responded "I stepped on a pink cloud".

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate. After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind hearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me".

"Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they said the last time too . . . "


A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"



Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right,"
she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.



One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."

"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"



The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good.

As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The Pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people: the poor and and feeble ones.

Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."





A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight
A's, even in math!

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"




After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him."



After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her-"Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him. "Which word?", her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."




The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!"

"Is it the President?" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.

"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."





And God created woman. And she was good. And she had two arms, two legs, and three breasts. God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be removed. God removed her middle breast. And it was good. She stood there with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with this useless boob?, And God created Man.




A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”




Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't you will forfeit your privilege of being here and we'll have to ask you to visit our friend below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a car here in Heaven because it is so big!" The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?" The guy replies, "24 years." St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy says, "Yes, about 10 times, but you said I was forgiven." Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to which he replies, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln Town Car for you to drive." The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar for you to drive" A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"



There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said, "Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,
Leroy

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Your Truly,
Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?

Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!

Sincerely,
You know who




Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water, but soon the water is up to Paul's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly prick?"



There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had sex with a guy." The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said, "I got in a fight with another nun." So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did! The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did. And as she was laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!"



One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard!!!! After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water. A guy in a car came up to him and said. "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" But the preacher just replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!" and drove away. The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!!" and rowed away in the orange raft.

The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." With that the man said "Whatever!" and jetted away in the power boat. The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown!" The man still just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." And with that the man said "Whatever" and flew away. The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and asked "God! Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?" God then replied, " I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter!!! What else do you want from me?!"

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home bordered. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick either. This is, after all, Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"



The Pope had been diagnosed as having a potentially fatal testicular disease and after treatment he was told that he had to have sex with a woman to confirm that the treatment had been fully successful. He called all his Cardinals together and told them what he had to be done and they agreed it was necessary. The Pope said he would go ahead with it but insisted on four conditions. "Firstly", he said " the girl has to be blind so she cannot see it's the Holy Father and tell the whole world" "Secondly, she must be deaf so that she doesn't recognize the Holy Father's voice and tell the whole world" "Thirdly, as a precaution, she has to be dumb so she cannot tell the whole world anyway" At this point one of the Cardinals stood up and said " Leave it to me Holy Father, I know just the woman for you" As the Cardinal was about to leave the Pope said " wait a moment, I told you there are four conditions". He beckoned the Cardinal over and as the Cardinal bent down towards him, the Pope whispered in his ear , "Big Tits!".



A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman, almost." "What do you mean almost?" question the priest. "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"


A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: ’PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS’

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: ‘PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT’ The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: ’BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS’

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: ’NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN’ The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: ’NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00’

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: ‘NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE’. The Bishop was buried the next day.

The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a Mouth Action." He says, "You have sinned."

Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but Mouth Action was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a Mouth Action. The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."


A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!". The boy replies "But father, Jesus had long hair!" to which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."




One day a nun got into a cab. The cab driver, noticing she was a nun, and asked her if she would ever have sex. After she had thought about it for a while she said "Well, yeah I would have sex with a man if he had never been married, did not have any kids and went to church every Sunday." So the cab driver said "What do you know, I don't have any kids, never been married and I go to church every Sunday!" So he asked her if she would have sex with him and she agreed as long as he would take her from behind. So they had sex and afterward the cab driver said "Ha ha, I have six kids, I've been married three times and I've never been to church a day in my life!!" And the nun pulled off her mask and said "Ha ha, I'm a man going to a costume party!"



The preacher's wife was making Sunday dinner, when the preacher walked in the house and says "that ham smells wonderful." His wife replies "That's a Dam-Ham." The preacher was surprised by his wife's use of profanity. She showed him the wrapper and explained that was the brand name of the ham. They sat down for dinner and the preacher says to his son, "Son, pass me the dam-ham." and his son replies, "that's the spirit, Pop, now pass me the fucking potatoes"

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, want to have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, want to have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"



A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Bleep, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I mess’n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh mess…" The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "Bleep, I Missed".



Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?". The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city Taxi driver for 14 years" "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord." St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?" He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord". "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter." "Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?". "Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"

tnks alexos

sorry zulu my bad will try re-editing them

heyade:
Well, you need to listen to this before u can advise me. Here is it.

During my service year, I met a girl whom I proposed to marry and she agreed with me. I was happy bocs since my formal girl turned me down, she was the first to come to my life. I am a man that stand by my words and I love keeping promise no matter how tough it may be, I have kept the promises I made for her. We don't stay in the same state but we always talk everyday on phone, thanks to GSM. My problem start when I went to see her. I stayed for almost a month because I have a friend there who always asked me to come and pay him a visit. I picked up my bag last year August to see my girl, she is living very close to my friend house which mean that it is easy for us to see eachother everyday. One morning, this girl came to see me, in the process, I took her phone and scrolled all throught the massage box to see what is there but what I saw was a massage sent to somebody by this girl and it read " I HAVE TOLD U THAT IT IS OVER BETWEEN US AND THAT FOR THE PREGRENCY, I HAVE TERMINATED IT. THEREFORE, YOU SHOULD NOT CALL ME AGAIN NOR CALLING MY MOTHER, IT IS OVER AND OVER" I was shocked when I saw the contact of this massage and I called her attention to it immdetailly but she said it was one of her friends that sent the massage to her boy friend. I agreed because I know God is there if she has went wrong with me.

To my suprise, second day, early hour of monday, a man walked in to the apartment I was and knocked the door. I asked who was there and I opened, it was a strange face and asked him what he want but he said he wants to see him. I asked him to come inside but he refused, he said we can discuss outside there. I accepted and I listen to what he wants to say, hear him " I HAVE COME TO SEE YOU IN REGARD OF THIS GIRL (she mentioned the name of my girl and he continued), I HAVE BEEN MARRYING THIS GIRL NOW FOR LONG, SHE EVEN PREGRANT FOR ME NOW (TWO MONTHS). AM PLANNING ON HOW MY FAMILY AND HER FAMILY WILL MEET FOR NORMAL WEDDING RITES. EVEN, LET ME TELL YOU, I KNOW YOU AS A GENTLE MAN THAT IS WHY I HAVE COME TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS MAN TO MAN. YOU CAN SEE THAT HER PHONE LINE IS FAULTY, I HAVE BOUGHT ANOTHER ONE FOR HER NOW ( he showned me a new MTN line) AND I WANT TO GO AND GIVE HER NOW. PLEASE, LEAVE THIS GIRL FOR ME BOCS SINCE YOU HAVE MET SHE HAS BEEN BEHAVING SOMEHOW TO ME" As a reasonalbe man, I sent my mind back to the massage I read yesterday and I told the guy that there is not between I and the girl. I said that I will tell the girl to be a good girl to him. The man left.

30 minutes after the man left, my phone rang, ohhhh, it was an unfamilar number but a faimilar vioce, it was the girl telling me that she has bought another line and that she is using her new line to call me. I told her I want to see her. In no time, she came and I told her how she got the line and how the man came to see me. Though, she was suprised, I told her about the pregrent issue but she denied. She was crying profusely, asking me to take her to any hosipal for test. She said the guy wants to marry her but she didnt like him and that is why she is telling her lies about pregrency. I later accepted her into my world again as if the end as come to all these child plays.

In May this year, I called her on phone but her mother picked the call and her mother answered me "HELLO VICTOR" (that is the name of the guy I'm talking about) I switch off my phone and vowed not to call her again. She pleaded that nothing is going on between them again, she said that the guy is not in town again and there is no way they can contact. Well, I accepted that for the sack of love I have for her.

But this Monday, another scene happened again. I called her on phone the way I used to call her and her mother picked the call again and said (HELLO VICTOR). I swicth off my set like the other time. After a while, the girl called me and I didnt pick the call but the next day Tuesday), I pick the call and she said why I didnt call her yesterday. I told her to ask from the person that picked the call, may be she told her Victor called but it wasn't Victor that called but it was I that called. To cut it short, since that day, I have been taking other side with her. What can I do as she used to claimed that she loves me.

Brother your story sounds kinda amigous and fictional, by the way what school did you graduate from


Na wa ooooh,

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"


This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real Hot, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"



A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"


A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You’re the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown.” The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I’m 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.” The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. “For a minute there, I thought you said ‘Turn Around’.”



The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"


A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go Bleep herself!"

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"



One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you, ", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the Bleep out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

You're flying Nigerian airways when,
You get to the airport before the ticket counter staff.

Everybody is checking in suitcases the size of a refrigerator.

The person beside you taps you on your shoulder and says , " I beg yu checkeen dis piece of luggage fah mi nuh, "

Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when the announcer on the p.a.system says that ", this is NOT a boarding announcement.".

You can't get on board because somebody in front of you is trying to get a Toyota engine block into the overhead compartment.

At least one passenger is accompanied by an armed Federal Agent (body guard or escort).

No magazine or news paper to read unless if you bring one.

Everybody is trying to figure out what "Port of Embarkation" means.

When the passenger next to you slowly leans away from you while raising one leg and mutters , "Yes bwoy, DAT is gas!"

Somebody hands a flight attendant a paper bag and asks her to "heat up dis fufu soup fi mi nuh deariee".

The overhead compartment smells like fish and rum, then it starts to drip on you.

Most of the passengers clap and clap when the pilot lands the plane.

Everybody who has a big screen TV, a boom-box and a microwave goes straight to the "Nothing to Declare" line

The steward serves you a hard bread bun and tells you "ol boy, no Tea oh"

A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day.

"What for!" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words."

SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbors

COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM:
You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM:
You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and shoots you !

BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows, the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other
and throws the milk away,

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and
the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company,
using letters of credit opened by your brother in law at the bank, then
execute a debt equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get
all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of
the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells, the rights to all
seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new
president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance
sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of
four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow
cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute,

AN AFRICAN CORPORATION:
You have 2 Cows. You pay a hefty sum and tax breaks for foreign investors to milk them, Foreign Investor Milks everything, refines and sells a tiny part of it to you on Credit. You owe foreign investor and travel everywhere begging for Debt forgiveness. Foreign investor won't budge if there's still milk left in the cows. In the meantime the Leaders have SPLIT the little milk available, and everybody is fighting everybody and pointing fingers over the split milk!

Hey scorpio, I dont think i can remember these triplets depends on the year they were there tho,

Perhaps his father needs an european leader to come help him f, k his mother that would be the best topic idiotttttttttt

Ill-informed and brainwashed slowpoke

chidichris:
it is not a good topic to think of or discuss but if one can hide it very well in his or her mind and compare and contrast, one can imagine an european living in a country where there is no light, water supply and good roads to mention but a few.
by the way, what do we gain in a country blessed with numerious resources? how long do we need to start living like human beings in a rich country? who do we trust to do this if obj who was released from jail and sent to aso rock has refused to deliver? who do we trust now?
i want to say it in a wisper - eurpean. we have to accept the fact that our politicians have failed us. we have to believe that no two politicians have the same plans in nigeria. if parties have manifestos that are working why wouldn't obj allow atiku to continue from where he stopped?
a stupid polity where a person in this modern time of democracy can decide to hold two most important and sensitive positions(president and minister of petrolium).
in which european country can u see a minister spoil the educational values of a country and then shamely shifted to aviation ministry spoil that and equally refused to resign and the brother could only reduce the tension in the country by shifting him to culture ministry.
if the truth is death, in fact i would want shout it here loud- the Europeans should come to our aid.
south africa suffering the effects of apperthied should equally accept that the are african's europe because of the days of the whites.
don't we find it better to be under apperthied for a period of time than this everlasting political insanity which has reduced our thinking system to criminality.

You've been reading too much of the white man's script too i guess, you need to wake up from your slumber because i wonder where you guys are getting all these sick ideas from,

EUROPEAN TO COME TO YOUR AID??OOOW PULEASEEEE SPARE ME THAT CRAP

Whatever reasons or nonsense points you must have thought you brought to fore in your post are the aftermath of their handiwork and all we need is to continue struggling to curtail and and eradicate the problem as it is now before it goes beyond what we have now because that is what would happen if we all say yeah to your suggestion,

We've simply been made to hate ourselves and believe that we are a bunch of no goods and never do wells thats their plan but sorry to say i have refused to fall into this category because i know who i am and where i came from and where im heading to,

You can say whatever you want about the government in our country but you have to understand that they are still bent on frustrating all efforts to better our lots with thie evil policies,

You want the europeans to come to your aid right??The U.S and the British are presently aiding Iraq and i hope you envy them,

Saddam was evil but now they've realized that Saddam was a genius and now they are beginning to wonder where this Shia Militia leader has been all the while saddam was in power now he is a voice to reckon with in Iraq,

Bring them europeans on to your father's house and we'll see

Nonsense