₦airaland Forum

Every married person knows to be faithful, stay truthful and be there for her partner through good times and bad--they're in the wedding vows, after all. But most seasoned couples would admit that some unspoken rules are vital for getting past rough patches and growing stronger as a couple. Here, experts share 10 of the less apparent (but just as important) marriage rules to live

1. Don't criticize your partner's parents or friends. You know how it is-your family can tick you off but no one else had dare speak ill of them. That's why you should tread carefully with your in-laws and your husband's dearest friends. "Even when he's venting to you, your contributions can put him on the defensive," explains LeslieBeth Wish, EdD, a Florida-based psychologist and licensed clinical social worker. "When you take position A, you prompt your partner to take position B." Instead, says Dr. Wish, put yourself in his position so that you can empathize with him.

2. Tell your spouse about any ex encounters. Whether you get a Facebook friend request or run into an old flame at your kid's soccer game, keeping the news to yourself could backfire, despite having zero feelings for the ex. "If there's nothing to hide, why hide it?" says Deb Castaldo, PhD, a couples and family therapist and professor at Rutgers University School of Social Work in New Brunswick, NJ. "That leads to an air of secrecy and dishonesty," she says. Just clue in your hubby matter-of-factly: Try, "I knew it was only a matter of time before old boyfriends came out of the woodwork on Facebook. I got a friend request from one and ignored it." Or, "I saw my ex in the mall today. His kids are cute. Glad to see his life turned out nicely."

3. Keep unsolicited advice to yourself. Offer your support, lend your ear, but avoid speaking in an "I know what's best" tone. "We give advice because we're trying to be helpful, but it's seen as criticism when we offer too many corrections," says Harriet Lerner, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up. This goes for everything from your husband's outfit choices to how he deals with a work issue. Give your spouse space to make decisions and gain confidence through trial and error-and ask that he do the same for you, says Dr. Lerner. "What matters in a relationship is not that things get done 'right,' but that two people are dedicated to contributing to each other's happiness."


4. Don't take charge all the time. Whether you fold all the laundry because you don't like how your husband does it or you manage the finances because you don't think he's as careful, you may feel more at ease doing all the work. But stop! "The spouse who does the rescuing can become tired of that role," says Dr. Wish--and resentful that everything is on her shoulders, even if she volunteered for that burden. Get in the habit of asking your partner, "What do you think works best here?" or telling him, "I could use a hand cleaning out the pantry." These requests will foster the idea that you're teammates.

5. Don't bring up past arguments. Or at least put a statute of limitations on them. "People repeat ancient disagreements because they haven't resolved the problem," says Dr. Castaldo. Letting things fester often causes marriages to break down, she says. It's important to address issues as they happen and come to some sort of resolution--agreeing to disagree counts. "Leave it there, and respect each other's opinion," she says.

6. Choose your battles, but don't stifle your feelings. "There's going to be toothpaste globs here and Post-it notes there; that's human nature," says Dr. Wish. "You have to be able to say, 'this isn't important.'" Or if it is, speak up. "Tell your partner why it bothers you and that you'd like to work on a solution," suggests Dr. Wish. You'd be surprised what you could learn about each other. For instance, your husband may not leave dirty dishes in the sink anymore if you explain that your childhood home was piled high with plates and you were stuck washing them. It's also important to understand that he's not plotting to upset you every time he's sloppy or forgetful. A simple request like: "Honey, it'd be great if you could pick up the dry cleaning while you're out" beats getting mad that he didn't offer to help with errands.


7. Don't post private thoughts or photos publicly. You may not want to be tagged in a politically charged rant he starts or he may not want you to share photos of the kids. And you each deserve the other person's respect for those wishes. "Discuss the ground rules regarding posting about yourself, as a couple and about the other person," says Dr. Castaldo. And no matter what, don't take your grievances with your husband to the masses for support. "It's destructive to air conflicts on Facebook," she warns.

8. Log off. When your attention is focused elsewhere, your spouse is bound to feel unimportant. So make quality time a top priority and restrict tech gadget use if necessary, says Dr. Wish. "Pay attention to the concept of ratio: How much time am I spending doing this compared to how much time I'm spending with my family?" she says. Create a rule that works for your household and stick to it, whether it's no devices at the dinner table, shutting down phones at 8 p.m. or going gadget-free on weekend afternoons.

9. Don't use the "" word (divorce, that is). Even in the heat of an argument, avoid threatening to pack your bags or head to the lawyer's office. Besides the "" word being downright hurtful, repeated warnings may result in a spouse calling the other's bluff. "We act as if the intensity of our anger gives us license to say or do anything," says Dr. Lerner. "But threatening divorce is never useful, and it only makes the probability of separation more likely."

10. Be each other's number one. In other words, be wary of outsider influence, like a friend putting relationship-threatening ideas in your head or work or hobbies competing for your attention. "Happy couples have just as much conflict as those who divorce, but they know ways to get through it," says Dr. Castaldo. "A couple has to have a strong boundary around themselves and they can't allow anybody to get in between.

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/10-unspoken-marriage-rules-must-182400206.html

okavango: To me, I don't think any man can justify cheating judging by the priciples of morality and civilised behaviour. Not even the whites whose custom and traditional orientation seem to be nutral in issues bothering morality. Great men like anold swaznigger, bill clinton and more recently petreus publicly condemened their acts of extramarital affairs. I don't think it is something to be proud of.

Chairman cheating is bullshit but I am very sorry I will soon indulge in it. I am not too happy now with my woman that tend to believe that she is doing me a great favour by allowing me to touch her. Maybe later i will condemn my actions my guy. I am even working towards getting a second wife. That will help me not to be seen as a cheater or a banger.

Being Jobless and at the same time married to a nagging woman who is in turn the break winner. You will wash pant, wash plate, wash toilet, cut the hairs in the unmentionable parts and other host of dangerous jobs. Your own as a man is finished.

Very Bad. Sorry madam. Is that these Police men are sex starved or what.

Oyibo people dey crase. They don see how their over sabi is hitting back on them. How a pikin go carry man enter my house, she de crase. They no born nam well. I go beat am beat the boy we in carry come. I no go go to any oyiboland to go stay. Naija forever and ever. Na now I know why God carry me come put for this naija. Rubbish Oyibo.

I think in Igbo most times. I think in Igbo mainly when in a womanic mood. Eg Nna lekwa Ukwu. Chai Lekwa ara nkea. Nwa nkea amaka.

An Arizona, USA woman, in despair at the re-election of Democratic President Barack Obama, ran down her husband with the family car in suburban Phoenix on Saturday because he failed to vote in the election, police said on Monday.

Holly Solomon, 28, was arrested after running over husband Daniel Solomon following a wild chase that left him pinned underneath the vehicle.

Daniel Solomon, 36, was in critical condition at a local hospital, but is expected to survive, Gilbert police spokesman Sergeant Jesse Sanger said.

Police said Daniel Solomon told them his wife became angry over his "lack of voter participation" in last Tuesday's presidential election and believed her family would face hardship as a result of Obama winning another term.

Witnesses reported the argument broke out on Saturday morning in a parking lot and escalated. Mrs Solomon then chased her husband around the lot with the car, yelling at him as he tried to hide behind a light pole, police said. He was struck after attempting to flee to a nearby street.

Obama won the national election with 332 electoral votes compared with 206 for Republican challenger Mitt Romney. Arizona's 11 electoral votes were won by Romney.

http://news.yahoo.com/arizona-woman-runs-down-husband-car-not-voting-045426220.html

These people are not ashamed of themselves. I just don't understand Nigerians sometimes

Personally, I think it is the Men. As a man, I enjoy it mainly when coming from a woman that has a standing lupisious and resurrecting breast. I think Hugging from women is great. Thank God that created women, hugging and other things I cannot mention here not to corrupt some of you younger ones. Keep hugging. For women, please hug and allow yourself to be hugged.

Who said the flood issue is all about negative. Well some negative aspect may have existed but some positive development is now been witnessed. This is mainly on the availability of snake meat for lovers of it. The flood is now making easy for people to catch and kill python in Bayelsa. there are cases of such meat been sold to potential buyer.
Guy if snake meat is your calling, I suggest you visit Bayelsa now for flood vacation.

Coming to think about it. men cheat, men cheat, is it the women that are righteous. I ones dated a woman that did not care to let me know that it is not only me in her life. After some time she began doing as if without me she will die.

Ok. In cases where some women will not date any man unless he is a married man nko. I was in my office one day when one of them entered wearing a very wicked cloth. Infact her just very small pact of cloth in closing her nipples. In a very close discussion, she made it very clear to me that she cannot stand single men. Ones you are a man and approaches her she will demand your marital status. I was saved when a close friend of mine entered my office if not I would have applied for consummation with her.
It is very big pity that Africa is a place where the men have it all. Do you want us to take up white man's approach where women call the shots. Where women can chase their husbands out of the house that the man used his sweat to built and take such man to court and take his children from him. God forbid. If such happens here, trust Nigerian girls they will kill the men.

Clean Cars you got there. My money no reach now i for buy one. Happy Business unless you will dash me one of them. Don't mind me. Happy sales my man.

That is what I call a Muslim not the Boko Haramites.

idowuswap: Igbo don they kill themselves becus of money again they want money by all means

What is your problem? Ahoada dont even claim that they are Igbo.

Look at this piece of wickedness. The government should be blamed. How can they give relief to all those stupid and wicked traditional leaders. Why are their wickedness in the land

I smell trouble with time. Please advice her to change. Her husband will get tire very soon and start becoming man in the house. That is trouble coming.

This has nothing to do with government. It is the outcome of the recent flood. We are really cut off from the other parts of Nigeria. God have mercy on Nigeria. For you to pass that place now, you can only enter tipper or other long cars. It is very rough but the flood is coming down a little bit.