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Politics / Re: Engineer Refutes Hon. Amaechi's Statement On Railway by Heromaniaa: 11:34am On Aug 22, 2017
My name is Psalm. Yes, awkward right? But that’s the name my mamma called me when I was born. My Dad had wanted to call me Job, but my mamma would not have it.

“Have you seen any man called Job that wasn’t a carpenter or a bricklayer” she had fired at my dad. “All the people wey dey answer Job na so so suffer suffer!” Mamma certainly hadn’t heard of Steve Jobs (well, after he moved out of the garage). Plus my oldman had suffered much, having lived from hand to mouth since he lost his job thirty years ago, yet his name wasn’t Job. So there was more to suffering than being called an ordinary name.

“Let’s call him David” my momma had suggested. “It is simple and short. And remember he killed Goliath.”

“David? The man who stole another man’s wife? I can’t call my son David. All the people wey dey answer David too like woman!”


Mamma had thought of it and the lives of a few people bearing David in my neighbourhood had been enough to convince her. In fact two days before I was named, two married men had fought over a woman on the street, and they were both called David.

After much dilly dallying, they called me Psalm. Popsy wasn’t so excited about the name; David and Psalm were like Bobrisky and bleaching – One and the same. But in the end he accepted it. So that was how I got my name, one would think after all the hair-splitting deliberations that gave birth to my name, my name would at least bring me luck. Far from it. I don suffer pass nyash. Yes. I have been peed on, shit on, sat on and what not…

Yesterday was the day kasala burst for my head. I was on my way to an interview. Since 5 years wey I graduate, bros, I never see real job. But that yesterday, something told me that was the end of my job search. My girlfriend had linked me to a friend that had friend who was the GM in a manufacturing company. When I contacted the so called GM, he picked the phone and answered me like a vampire had given him a Mouth Gig.

“Who be rat? He spat out.

“It’s me Psalm. A friend of Sarah, who is a friend to Akpan, your good friend. He said you are the GM of Green food Industries.”

I could hear him chuckling on the other end.

“Werin you wan make I ju for you?” he replied. I was already getting pissed.

“I want to submit my CV to your company. I was told you could help me get a job”

“Bring am tomorrow, I go help you give the GM”

“Are you not the GM?

“Bro e be like say you never ready. I be the Gateman, your friend no tell your friend to tell your friend to tell you?

My jaw dropped. But I had no choice; I tidied my white shirt and dusted my CV. I must get that job the next day…

As early as 8 AM the next day, I set out. My gf had made a delicious afang soup the other night. I quickly heated four wraps of fufu, devoured it and left feeling like a bouncer. It had rained the other night and the bad roads were still muddy. I did my best to avoid reckless drivers from splashing dirty water on me. My best, as usual, was not enough.

A man in a black prado Jeep zoomed past, emptying a pot hole of muddy water on me. I did what any other frustrated man would do.


I boarded a bike and chased after him. Who knows, he could settle me with something tangible. The okadaman was a skillful rider but the prado guy had no chill. After five minutes, I spotted his car parked right in front of my babe’s apartment. Fear catch me like politician wey receive alert from Dasuki. I paid off the bike man and cautiously peeped into my girlfriend’s one room apartment. What I saw shocked me.

The story continues in the next sequel. Click to read GIRLS AINT LOYAL

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Health / Re: Makurdi Nursing Student Burnt By Gas Explosion In Her Hostel. Photos by Heromaniaa: 11:26am On Aug 22, 2017
Politics / Re: Ifeanyi Igwebike Emerges APGA’s Candidate For Agbaso’s Faction For Anambra Polls by Heromaniaa: 9:57am On Aug 22, 2017
Romance / Re: 10 Characters Men Find Annoying In Women - Truegossip by Heromaniaa: 8:15am On Aug 22, 2017
Celebrities / Re: Davido Hangout With His 30billion Gang In New York City(photo+video) by Heromaniaa: 8:14am On Aug 22, 2017
Celebrities / Re: Bobrisky Rants On Snapchat, Gives Details About His Upcoming Birthday. by Heromaniaa: 8:13am On Aug 22, 2017
Religion / Re: Niger State CAN Reacts To Buhari’s National Broadcast by Heromaniaa: 8:09am On Aug 22, 2017
Celebrities / Re: VIDEO: Funke Akindele Finally Reveals Her Growing Baby Bump by Heromaniaa: 8:09am On Aug 21, 2017
Politics / Re: Video Of President Buhari's Speech To The Nation (Watch) by Heromaniaa: 8:06am On Aug 21, 2017
Politics / Re: Election Will Hold Coward Kanu Changes Mind VIDEO evidence by Heromaniaa: 1:22am On Aug 21, 2017
Literature / Re: Top 10 Nairaland Stories Of The Week by Heromaniaa: 10:02pm On Aug 18, 2017
Bro, you see crime, stay away from it. Stay away from crime! Run from anything that will make you spend a night in a Nigerian Prison. I know what I am talking about. Nigeria Prisons are neither meant for humans nor for rehabilitation of criminals.
You all know how I was arrested by the Police for trying to scam those who scammed me. I thought I was doing the right thing, but (as usual) the police thought otherwise. All the money I made was confiscated and labelled exhibit, including the fifty naira I had reserved for bus fare.

Subsequently, I was thrown into Kirikiri Maximum Prison, Apapa, pending my meeting the bail conditions.
My first night at Kirikiri was not a laughing matter. That night, a hefty warder held me like Satan and led me to hell. As the gates were thrown open, I walked in and the gate closed behind. It was dark. So dark I couldn’t see my hand stretched out in front of me. Apparently, there was no power supply. That was understandable because even law abiding citizens did not have power supply let alone hardened criminals. But the fact was that, not all who were in the prison were criminals, and not all who walked the street were law abiding. I am sure many honourable senators know what I am talking about.

As I walked into the cell, I felt as though I was stepping on Mouka foam. A smile spread across my face. The prison was more comfortable than I had thought. I hadn’t taken more than five steps when the foam stirred like a python; I lost balance and staggered on the “cushioned stirring floor.” The room came alive instantly, and from nowhere, I felt a draft of hot slap narrowly miss my cheek. But that was as far as my luck went.
Grappling with the thick darkness, I felt something that felt like a branch of thick bamboo hit my left thigh. I reeled forward like a drum rolling down a steep heel, then landed squarely into the arms of a macho man I would later know as Double Cross. By now, my eyes were becoming accustomed to the darkness, and it occurred to me that what I had thought to be Mouka foam were actually prisoners lying on the bare floor.
Double Cross pushed me forward so that I was at arm’s length; then, he punched my cheek-bone with a slap that illuminated the whole prison. For an instant, I saw the prison for what it was.

Dazed, I staggered like a drunk and fell into the arms of another demon and felt a sizeable punch hit me below my heart. Another man caught me as I fell; I quickly tried to wriggle out, but he kicked me so hard that I felt for a moment that I was going to suffer a major paralysis.
The whole cell came alive as several inmates turned to the nearest person to vent their anger. I sat in a corner to regain full consciousness. Then when I was fairly stable, I grabbed a hard object I felt on the floor and stood up to strike a massive figure that stood like a shadow before me. The cell was dark, so no one would know who struck who. That was my plan, but as usual, my plans always backfired. For as I pushed my arm backward to strike the figure a death blow, the bulbs came on and the whole cell was illuminated like daylight. Double Cross stood before me grinning.
Keep reading here
https://www.nairaland.com/3983214/funny-story-madman-story-heromaniaa

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Literature / Re: Lilyjoe Wins Nairaland 200-Word Competition by Heromaniaa: 7:46am On Aug 15, 2017
Divepen1:
I'm not the organiser. I'm even thinking of competing so that if I win I'll give part of it to the winners of Seun Osewa Battle and even do a little something for the judges...

Hi check out my story
https://www.nairaland.com/3983214/funny-story-madman-story-heromaniaa Help me gain wide readership on front-page.
Literature / Re: The Funny Story Of The Madman (A Story By Heromaniaa) by Heromaniaa: 7:36am On Aug 12, 2017
More episodes coming soon. Lemme go and brush my teeth, I ate garlic last night. grin grin grin Please drop comments, tag your friends, visit my blog, I have completely redesigned it. Tag the Mods.

Abeg no vex, I dey come!
Literature / Re: The Funny Story Of The Madman (A Story By Heromaniaa) by Heromaniaa: 7:33am On Aug 12, 2017
Episode 10: BODY BAG

“Uduak is dead!” I announced.
The cell went into an uproar, some weak hearted ones started banging the gate, and soon it was as though the roof would cave in. Scarface sprung suddenly from his corner and I knew then that I would soon join my dead friend, Uduak. I wanted to give in and let him hit me as he liked, but then I thought of the sweetness of Nkwobi and a bottle of palmwine. It dawned on me that there was a lot to live and fight for. I quickly ran to the toilet and hid by the overfilled WC. That shit smelled like shit man, but I have seen worse.

The toilet was dark, but I sensed Scarface’s approaching footsteps. I heard a warder scream for the inmates to keep quiet. They screamed even louder. After a while, I heard the voices of more warders. Then the gate opened.
“Everybody out. Everybody out to Cell 13B.” The warders screamed.
I heard rushing footsteps; then everywhere was quiet; even Scarface was gone, but I couldn’t move. I was too afraid. Then I heard the voice of Doctor Mathew.

“Give me the body bag” he said. “The old man is gone.” There was silence, and then I heard them lock the zip of the bag. Everywhere was quite. They must have gone to set up the ambulance I thought. I quickly tiptoed out to join my mates in cell 13b, but I had scarcely taken a few steps when a thought occurred to me. It was in fact a flash back from a film I had seen some years ago. The Count of Monte Cristo it was called.

I stepped out and unzipped the body bag. I dragged Uduak’s remains to the remotest part of the toilet. I quickly ran back to the cell and jumped into the body bag. As best as I could, I zipped the bag.

Whoever tailored that bag did not anticipate that someone alive might use it someday. The bag was so airtight I could hardly breathe. If I hadn’t torn a tiny hole in the bottom part with my teeth, I would have suffocated.

15 minutes or more went by. I heard the approaching steps of the clinic staff, perhaps.

“We will drive it to Apapa Mortuary, then we will try and contact his family to come and claim him.” A voice said.

“Ok sir” another replied.

“Unzip the bag, let us be sure” the first voice said.

My heart froze as I felt a man grip the zip to drag it downwards.

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Literature / Re: The Funny Story Of The Madman (A Story By Heromaniaa) by Heromaniaa: 7:27am On Aug 12, 2017
Episode 9: THE GREY HAIRED MAN
The grey haired man caught his arm from behind and twisted it behind. In one fluid movement, Scarface was sprawled on the floor. Grey hair walked over him and sat in his corner without saying a word.

Two months passed slowly. I was still locked up. I had heard from neither Biggie my friend from day one, nor from Sarah, my ex.
I had become quite friendly with Grey Hair. One night, I sat close to him while he told me his story. He had two days to the expiration of his prison time, but he was not happy. He was severely sick and I doubted if he was going to make it. He had done a lot for me within the past two months I stayed in the prison, so I felt obliged to help him. But there wasn’t much I could do except to listen to his stories.

His name was Uduak Ekpeyong, and he had lived a very reckless life in his youth. At one time, he was sergeant in the army, but he went rogue and ran an underground gun running cartel. He did assassination as a part time job. He had a daughter. Ella was her name. It was the thought of Ella that kept him alive. She was the only family he could remember, his wife having left him some years after Ella was born. He dipped his hand in his pocket and gave me a picture of his daughter.

I have seen many girls in my life time. I have seen fair Fulani nomad girls, who were as dainty as cattle egrets; I have seen Akwa Ibom girls who were as thick as crude oil; I have seen Owerri girls, whose complexion was like the tender skin of young palm fruits, and the hardworking Ibadan girls who knocked on elevator doors. I have seen Roman Goddess, who walked with two tanks on her chest and the globe on her backside. I have seen Bobrisky who was born a black boy but now a white woman! I have seen them all, but I haven’t seen any girl as pretty as Ella.

She was in her late twenties. You see, if that girl were a car, she’d be Rolls Royce. She was classy like that.
Contrary to what I had thought, Uduak was 55 years old. But having spent 25 years in prison, he could pass for an octogenarian.
He was feared in the cell, but he never bothered anyone, and he expected not to be bothered. But once in a while, a mate stepped on his toes and he had to teach him respect.

He had two days to stay in the prison he said. But he feared he wouldn’t make it alive for he was awfully sick.
I fed him the next day, and helped him to the loo.

The last day of his stay brought some smiles on his face. He made efforts to look good and was able to say a few words. He waited for the gate to be thrown open, but it stayed locked. I tried to cheer him up, but he sat there in the corner, dejected, silent and motionless. By twilight he was dead.

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Literature / Re: The Funny Story Of The Madman (A Story By Heromaniaa) by Heromaniaa: 7:17am On Aug 12, 2017
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Literature / Re: The Funny Story Of The Madman (A Story By Heromaniaa) by Heromaniaa: 7:14am On Aug 12, 2017
Episode 8: SCARFACE HAS NO CHILL

I froze like the statue of liberty, with my hand raised. Double Cross leaped forward towards me, like a bull; I said a brief prayer and slumped on the floor. In the morning, I felt as though a Mack Truck had run over me. I looked around me and was confounded to discover that there were more than 30 inmates in the 15 by 15 feet cell.

Sorely pressed, I looked around for a place to urinate. There was a tiny door that led to a darkroom. From the stench oozing from room, I needed no one to tell me it was the shit house. I stood up and walked towards it, making sure not to step on the still sleeping cellmates.
Hardly had I taken a few steps when Double Cross stood up like he had been having a nightmare and heaved his muscular frame towards me. His eyes were bloodshot. Apparently, he still nursed feelings of revenge against me for attempting to hit him. As he narrowed the distance between us, my leg buckled, and I felt urine drip down my skinny legs.

A grey haired man sprung up and positioned himself between Double Cross and me. The man looked like he was eighty but he moved with the agility of a 40 year old boxer.

“Enough DC. Day never break!”

As he spoke, Double Cross turned back and lay among the heap of sleeping inmates like a remorseful schoolboy.
Early in the afternoon of that day, we took a breakfast of hardboiled beans and bread. When I was done eating, I was more than convinced that the person who cooked the beans was in the wrong profession. The cook will do better hurling stones at a quarry. The beans and bread were so sandy that till today, my teeth shiver when I see a plate of beans and bread.

In the evening, we were served 2 pieces of yam. No sooner had I begun eating than a tall wiry cell mate stood up and walked towards me. He had a scar that ran from his chin to his jaw like a sickle. His eyes were bulging like they had been fixed by an inexperienced auto mechanic, and his lips were like the bumper of a saloon car that had had a misunderstanding with a tanker.
“I will have your yam” he said. I didn’t waste time. I quickly handed over the yam to him. He devoured it like a hyena and fixed his gaze on another cellmate’s plate.

That night felt like hell, like I was surrounded by monsters. Mosquitoes were hovering over me like I had taken something of theirs, and beneath me, bugs were boring holes into my skin. Once or twice a rat bumped into the room and crawled over the inmates. Hunger gnawed at the walls of my stomach like a screw being driven into wood. An inmate let out a fart that smelled like a septic tank to complete my misery. Brother, those hours were the worst hours of my life.

In the morning of the next day, I looked forward to breakfast. Around 11 A.M. we were served bread and tea. I quickly began to eat. The scar faced man stood up like he had done before and walked towards me. It occurred to me that if I didn’t find a way to rescue myself from Mr. Scarface, I would die of starvation. So I started stuffing the bread into my mouth.
He hurried towards me and kicked me. The bread flew from my mouth and fell on a puddle of urine. Seven or more inmates rushed for it. Scar face wasn’t done with me yet.

He pulled me up by the collar and stretched his arms to hit me. “You are dead” he muttered under his breath.

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Literature / The Funny Story Of The Madman (A Story By Heromaniaa) by Heromaniaa: 7:14am On Aug 12, 2017
READ THE PREVIOUS STORY HERE

Prologue
When I started the Madman's series, I didn't anticipate I would receive so much applause and support. All I wanted to do was to make people laugh while also critiquing the foibles of the Nigerian society. But the story seems to have resonated well with many readers. Since the last episode was released, readers have been calling and commenting for me to release more sequels. Encouraged by these comments and the rejuvenation Divepen1 and other mods have brought to the literature section, I have tried my best to find time between my grueling 9 - 5 to squeeze in a word or two here and there. For those who are just reading the series for the first time, it is important to read the prequels to this one so as to develop a connection with the hilarious story line and ridiculous characters. You can follow this thread for subsequent updates. I hope you learn and laugh from this story, but remember, If the story of the madman doesn't make you laugh, send me your address; I will send you a pack of Pizza! Let's do this!

Episode 7: DOUBLECROSS PLOTS TO KILL ME

Bro, you see crime, stay away from it. Stay away from crime! Run from anything that will make you spend a night in a Nigerian Prison. I know what I am talking about. Nigeria Prisons are neither meant for humans nor for rehabilitation of criminals.
You all know how I was arrested by the Police for trying to scam those who scammed me. I thought I was doing the right thing, but (as usual) the police thought otherwise. All the money I made was confiscated and labelled exhibit, including the fifty naira I had reserved for bus fare.

Subsequently, I was thrown into Kirikiri Maximum Prison, Apapa, pending my meeting the bail conditions.
My first night at Kirikiri was not a laughing matter. That night, a hefty warder held me like Satan and led me to hell. As the gates were thrown open, I walked in and the gate closed behind. It was dark. So dark I couldn’t see my hand stretched out in front of me. Apparently, there was no power supply. That was understandable because even law abiding citizens did not have power supply let alone hardened criminals. But the fact was that, not all who were in the prison were criminals, and not all who walked the street were law abiding. I am sure many honourable senators know what I am talking about.

As I walked into the cell, I felt as though I was stepping on Mouka foam. A smile spread across my face. The prison was more comfortable than I had thought. I hadn’t taken more than five steps when the foam stirred like a python; I lost balance and staggered on the “cushioned stirring floor.” The room came alive instantly, and from nowhere, I felt a draft of hot slap narrowly miss my cheek. But that was as far as my luck went.
Grappling with the thick darkness, I felt something that felt like a branch of thick bamboo hit my left thigh. I reeled forward like a drum rolling down a steep heel, then landed squarely into the arms of a macho man I would later know as Double Cross. By now, my eyes were becoming accustomed to the darkness, and it occurred to me that what I had thought to be Mouka foam were actually prisoners lying on the bare floor.
Double Cross pushed me forward so that I was at arm’s length; then, he punched my cheek-bone with a slap that illuminated the whole prison. For an instant, I saw the prison for what it was.

Dazed, I staggered like a drunk and fell into the arms of another demon and felt a sizeable punch hit me below my heart. Another man caught me as I fell; I quickly tried to wriggle out, but he kicked me so hard that I felt for a moment that I was going to suffer a major paralysis.
The whole cell came alive as several inmates turned to the nearest person to vent their anger. I sat in a corner to regain full consciousness. Then when I was fairly stable, I grabbed a hard object I felt on the floor and stood up to strike a massive figure that stood like a shadow before me. The cell was dark, so no one would know who struck who. That was my plan, but as usual, my plans always backfired. For as I pushed my arm backward to strike the figure a death blow, the bulbs came on and the whole cell was illuminated like daylight. Double Cross stood before me grinning.

Cc Divepen1

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Celebrities / Re: Burna Boy And His Smoking Habit (Photos) by Heromaniaa: 8:22am On Aug 10, 2017
Celebrities / Re: Check Out Dubai Billionaire' Son Gets His Ferrari Covered In Louis Vuitton by Heromaniaa: 2:37am On Aug 10, 2017
That's some dope shiit.
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Crime / Re: Two Masquerades Exchange Blows In Lagos (photos/Video) by Heromaniaa: 10:52pm On Jul 30, 2017
Jobs/Vacancies / Re: Want To Work From Home? Dailyposts UK Is Recruiting! by Heromaniaa: 10:02pm On Jul 29, 2017
Cheap stuff

Webmasters / Re: How To Add Push Notification To Your Blog by Heromaniaa: 7:51am On Jul 26, 2017
Politics / Re: Senate Approves Establishment Of Nigerian Peace Corps by Heromaniaa: 7:47am On Jul 26, 2017
eazisky:

olodo
u don't take time to know what is happening around u, yet u act like Thomas even when d news is all over
mo.ron. Can you outline the findings of your research? With dwindling oil fortune and rising standard of living you'd think the fed govt would assent to overburdening itself with extra workforce, especially as it appears that there are multiple agencies that exist to carry out same function? It is your misery, I have no doubt, that has made you grab at straws. Olodo
Politics / Re: Senate Approves Establishment Of Nigerian Peace Corps by Heromaniaa: 3:16pm On Jul 25, 2017
Accept this info at your own peril.

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Family / Re: Marry and Grow In Love Or Marry The Person You Love, Which One Is Better? by Heromaniaa: 2:46pm On Jul 23, 2017

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