Sorry

How about repatriating Allison Madueke? How about throwing his boss Jonathan in a dungeon where he belongs? What becomes of the corrupt politicians after the funds have been repatriated?

MhizzAJ:
This man doesn't have shame
What's my bizness anyways
I dislike pot-bellied men

I have no potbelly. How about we go see a film and talk about your utter dislike for potbelly?

God give her the fortitude to bear the loss.

Sure

Been noticing

Eko onibaje

Long overdue

Thanks.

blueeyes1:
Nice work Op,room for plenty improvement.
Abeg no dey put pictures again,I no just like am, no vex o,na just my 'hopinion'.

Fucck school... Street is where the learning and the money are.

Somehow, we managed to convince Iya Abeji to sell some food to us on credit that we had been employed by an oil company. It worked like magic. We promised to renovate her shop and supply her cooking gas for free every day. She was so excited and dished out food with reckless abandon. Some of those eating in the restaurant heard oil company and started prostrating before us. We ordered food for everyone. It was a free for all. When we were done, we left feeling like Dangote.

The next day was the D day. We gagged up in our best outfit to collect our employment letters. As usual, when we got there, several people were waiting already. There were even new applicants who gate crashed the event hoping to be selected. Most of them were willing to pay twice the price we paid.

We waited for two hours, the staff of Mobile Hoil did not show up. They were notorious for their lateness, so we were patient. But when the time was heading towards 4 pm, I knew we had entered one chance. We had been scammed.

Some disgruntled ones started dialing Lagos state police emergency number. When I told convinced Biggie that the whole thing was a scam, he slumped on the floor. I managed to wake him up. It was too early to start slumping, he had to tell me where he saw the vacancy so we could trace Mobile Hoil or whatever they called themselves and recover our money.

“I saw the vacancy, you know, that day the boss sacked me, you know. I saw it on the fence of one abandoned building. It was written with chalk: 'Mobile Hoil Company vacancy Call 07034482877.'" I thought it was real, you know.”

I slumped on the floor. Biggie has killed me.

I must have caused a scene because people began to gather around me. Then my phone rang. It was one of those godforsaken MTN customer service numbers, but I pretended that it was a real call and spoke into the phone.

“Yes, hello, Mr Abass, good evening, we have been expecting you.”

I had a plan and those around me were falling for it.

“Ok, you mean I should tell the applicants that you are coming with their certificates?… Ok. Hurry up sir, we are expecting you.”

Then I spoke more loudly to the hearing of everyone. “THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE HERE, WHO WANT TO PAY FOR THE CERTIFICATES TOO. SHOULD I COLLECT THE MONEY FOR YOU?… Alright sir. I will collect the money. Hurry up, we are waiting.”

Bros, they no dey tell person o. A trap will catch a lion, but if it be a true lion, it must escape.

I had barely finished my call, when more than fifty applicants besieged me like flies on a mound of poo, begging that I should hurry and collect their money.

I enlisted Biggie to write down their names while I collected the money. I had collected from about 15 people when two men barged in asking for those in charge of the recruitment. I came out boldly, thinking they were new applicants.

One of them dipped his hand in his pocket and when I stretched out my hands to receive the money I thought he was bringing out, a rusty handcuff gripped my hand. The other one flashed a police Id card and escorted me to a waiting car.

“You have the right to remain silent or anything you say will be used against you in the court of law.”

Bros, you don see how devil dey work? Shebi you don see am?

One of the police men asked me if I were operating alone, I told them about Abass and the others. They saw Biggie holding a piece of paper.

“Is he with you? ” They asked.

I looked at Biggie, Biggie looked at me.

“No” I said “But I can explain. I don’t know anything about this o, I am not one of them o, I no follow o. Abeg o.”

But clutching more than 200,000 naira in my hands, there was no denying my complicity.


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They pushed me inside their unmarked vehicle and drove off. Bros, I use God beg you. If my picture appears on Daily Sun crime section tomorrow, don’t let my mum see it. It will break the poor woman's heart!

The story continues.
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Hundreds of the applicants erupted into a standing ovation. But the whole thing wasn’t clear to me at all. I had neither heard of Toyota G wagons nor Camry Ferrari- could it be that I am not exposed to modern technology? I stood up and asked him what he really did as a pipeline engineer that he could afford 2 ‘Toyota Ferraris.’

Uduaghan stared at me like I had stepped on his sore foot but decided to answer my question when all the applicants cheered me on.
“That’s a very stupid question but I will answer it. When pipelines burst due to militancy and other factors, do we leave the oil to keep pouring away? No! I carry my boys and repair the pipeline, that’s all. No more question. I am not the one who needs a job.”
He walked off the stage as the bleached lady came on.

“My name is Ms. Sophia Obasi, I graduated from Abia State University, Owerri.”
At this stage, everyone burst into laughter, but Sophia had not the slightest idea why we were all laughing.
After two hours of confusing talk, they told us that to be able to work in the “hoil” company, we would need to have a certification in HSE and that would cost 40,000 naira, for each person.


Homie, I nearly jumped off my skin were it not for Biggie that gripped me with his fat arms. 40,000 what!? From that moment, nothing made sense anymore. And if they said more about the job, I wasn’t listening. I just wanted to go home, count my money and put it back where I used to hide it.

When we got home, Biggie wouldn’t let me be. He went on about how one needed to sacrifice something to get something bigger.
“This is our opportunity. Wake up man. In this country if you need anything you gotta pay for it you know?” His arm was on my shoulder and it felt like the hammer of Thor.

“Look at Peace Corps recruitment, Nigerian Immigration Service recruitment, money comes, money goes. Just imagine how much we would earn monthly. Imagine what we could do with the money. Girls, I don’t mean those ones that line up at Oba Akran at night, Behind ladies, Kirachaana, Roman Goddess; then booze and smokes. Come on guy. Are you in?

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“I want a Venza – you know I am not greedy- a Venza for mama. And a Range 2017 for myself. I am in!” I told Biggie.

The next day, we went back to the venue to pay the money. Mr Abass said we would undergo safety training to be able to work in the hazardous environment of an oil company. The training was to last for a day after which we would sit for an exam and upon passing offered certificates.

We set off at once with the training. First we went round the school and picked up anything that posed a risk, then we lined up for one on one interview. The training was over. Imagine that!

After several hours of standing in queue waiting to be interviewed, my turn finally came. I sat before Mr Abass and his colleagues. They started to fire me with questions.

ABASS: What will you do if you are working in a gas storage facility and you notice a little fire?

ME: My motto in life is “safety first.” Guy, I won’t stand there and notice- I will run for my dear life.

ABASS: Really?

ME: Yes sir. Someone has to survive to tell journalists how it all happened.

UDUAGHAN: Tell us about any challenging experience you had at your last place of work.

ME: Erm, At the last place I worked, there was a time our business had problems so I offered some practical suggestions that later caused more problems.

ABASS: How were the problems resolved?

ME: I was fired.

MS SOPHIE: Why do you want to work in an oil company?

ME: I need the money badly and oil company dey pay pass money ritual.

ABASS What makes you say that?

ME: Upon all the ritual Alex Usifo does in Nollywood films, he is not as rich as Dangote!

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ABASS: Do you have any questions for us?

ME: If pipeline bursts and fuel is now pouring everywhere, are the staff allowed to scoop the fuel to use at home?

ABASS : We are done with you, pay the money to Ms. Sophie and come back tomorrow for your certificate and internship placement.

Full of smiles, I paid the money, after which Biggie and I went home. Before we got home we quickly branched at a restaurant run by our neighbor to grab lunch. She knew us as notorious debtors. As we entered, she stood up like she saw a ghost.

“Ehn, what do you want? There is no credit today, come back tomorrow.” She grabbed a four feet pestle and it occurred to me that that woman did not mean well for me.

“But Iya Abeji, yesterday you said no credit, we should come back today. We’ve come now and you are saying no credit today, come tomorrow. This your tomorrow no dey finish? I asked, hiding behind Biggie.

I’ve had a phobia for pestles since Iya Abeji used it on me two years ago.

If I told you the story, you’d say it’s funny; but if you had felt the pain that ran through my spine that day, you will change your opinion about what is funny and what’s not.

Two years ago, I had walked into Iya Abeji’s shop to catch a quick breakfast. As usual, I ordered for two wraps of fufu to appetize myself before settling down to eat the main meal. The food was delicious, perhaps because of the assorted fish she used to prepare her soup.

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When I was almost done I took the fish I had kept for last and bit into it carelessly while winking at a waitress with enviable bosoms. The fish was crunchy and tasted like roast prawn, I spat out some to be sure. What I saw made me vomit all I had eaten. I had bitten and swallowed half a cockroach.

I explained to Iya Abeji what had happened and she refunded my money.

It was then a plan occurred to me. The next day l caught a cockroach, killed it and dried it in the sun. I took it to Iya Abeji’s shop and ordered for four wraps of fufu and egusi soup. I added four pieces of meat, two roundabout fish, three pomo and two bottles of big Pepsi. I sat down and devoured the food like a starved hyena. When I was almost done, I called a waitress to calculate my bill. As she was doing this, I brought the cockroach out and pretended as if I had found it in the soup.

Iya Abeji apologized and told me to forget the pay.

One week later. I was totally broke, hungry, and angry. I found a dead cockroach and rushed to Iya Abeji’s shop. With the hungry anger in me, I ordered for six wraps of fufu and other assorted complements. When I was almost done, I brought out the cockroach and screamed. I felt a heavy thud on my back; if not for God, Iya Abeji would have killed me that day.

I didn’t know that all along, she had been standing behind me with a long pestle.

I received the beating of my life that day.

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What you wrote up there is your opinion. Not the truth, for unless we hear the account of the lion, the history of the hunt will always glorify the hunter.

“The boss sacked me yesterday. You know, he said I was the one who brought you into his restaurant, you know, and that I have to bear the brunt of your action. You know, he said you were a helpless lunatic; with madness the size of a mature fibroid tumor, you know, that your mouth smelled like rotting cabbage and decaying egg. He said that if he had employed a goat instead of you, you know, he would have earned more profit.”

Bros, the toothbrush and salt and cup of water fell off my hands. I sat on the floor and wept.

Later on that day, Biggie started telling me about an opening he saw.

A well-known oil company was recruiting. He said if we played our cards right we could get the job “you know?”

I knew how to play my cards right, right from primary six when I beat an SS3 student in whot. It was a historic event. It was. Teachers stood on one side, students on the other cheering us on. The game had dragged on for 45 minutes, and everyone was getting tense. I had about 7 cards in my hands and my senior opponent had 2. Then he played one of his cards and screamed “Last card!”

Unknown to the senior, I had been gathering an assortment of cards waiting for it to click. And it did. I had one triangle and one star pick twos; one star and one circle hold ons; one circle and one block general market; and one block seven.

So as the teachers and students watched and took sides with their favourite, I began to dish it out to the guy.



“Pick two, pick two, hold on, hold on, general market, general market, and last card- check up!” And that was how I won the game.

Till today, the story is told in that school.
You see, I can play my cards alright.
The vacancy was legit, Biggie said. Mobil Oil Company was recruiting and the next day was the deadline for submission of cv. We quickly mailed our cvs to the company’s email address: mobilehoilcompany@gmail.com.

Three hours later, we received text messages inviting us to interviews. We were filled with gladness when we received the messages.
On the day of the interview, we woke before dawn and began to fire prayers. We prayed so loud and violently that the heavens shook and thunder rumbled across the sky. The next we felt was water dripping down our body, bros, it was then I opened my eyes and saw our landlord standing by the window, a bowl of water in his hand.

“I have been shouting and banging the gate since, kilode?” He was really angry.

“Oga landlord, what’s the problem? Can’t someone pray in peace? I screamed at him.

“Not when you are disturbing the peace of the neighbourhood. Don’t you know people are still sleeping? If I hear pim again, the two of you will leave my house today, today!”

Bros, we quickly wore our clothes and zoomed off.

I had expected the interview would be held at one of the offices of the oil company, but guy, my expectations were dashed as we got there. The venue was an old broken down school and despite the fact that we came too early, there were more than five hundred people there already. Everyone wanted an oil company job. The place was busy like Obalende bus terminal. But as people say, wetin remain one don already finish, we decided to stay to see the end of it. If we had gone home we might have saved ourselves the tragedy that befell us. But we stayed – first mistake.

We waited 3 hours 26 minutes before the so called interviewers arrived. 3 good hours. The interviewers were four in number, three men and one lady. And if you have seen bus conductors that ply Oshodi- Apapa route, you might have a clue about how those three men looked. The lady herself was a case study on the evil effects of bleaching. She was red in complexion with a touch of yellow and walked briskly like she was familiar with hawking purewater on Lagos-Ibadan Express way. They came in, cheap files in hand, and began to address us like prisoners who have just assaulted a warder.

“Poverty is a disease” one said “today we are going to introduce you to a life of wealth and happiness. My name is Dr. Oyeleye Abass, the MD of Workteam Recruiters, recruiting partner of Mobile Hoil Company.”

Dr. Oyeleye went on and spoke at length about deregulation of the upstream and downstream oil sectors and on shore and off shore dichotomy. He didn’t bother to explain what those tough words were; when a confused lady asked him to explain what dichotomy was, Dr. Oyeleye ordered his partners to bounce her out. So we all kept quiet and swallowed his gospel hook, line and sinker.

“Imagine that comatose entity asking me what dichotomy is. Is she trying to teach me my job? Who doesn’t know what dichotomy is? I am asking all of you; don’t you know what dichotomy is?”

Read DIARY OF A MADMAN EPISODE 3

We all screamed that we knew it.

Another speaker came on stage and introduced himself as Uduaghan. He was so muscular we all wondered what he was doing in an oil company. He said he was a pipeline engineer in Mobile “oyel” company and that many of us would intern under him.

“My job is not difficult. And the pay is good. I drive 2 Toyota Ferrari and one Honda G wagon. Nice cars. If you do all what we tell you to do, when we employ you, you will drive your own too.”

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callydon:


Hi, you're a nice writer. Do u have any blog where you write constantly for more audience? If NOT, why not come write for us at www.fullgist.com.ng

QUOTE me if interested.

I have a blog. www.madman.com.ng I am also interested in your offer.

Raintaker:
This is copyright infringement, I read this story some years ago and this wasn't the guy's moniker then.

I can't remember the Op for now, but this is someone else's work.

Visit my blog and verify the owner. I started the madman's series this year. And I update weekly. Next time say something sensible: you can do this by thinking of something foolish and saying the opposite.