₦airaland Forum

ujsizzle: I
I did say my question was off topic

No real man will hang around any lady when she says no, except lust.

ujsizzle: lol weapon ke?
A woman's just curious, certainly not looking forward to hurting anybody as long as I have an option.
I just don't get why a man would want to stick around after a woman has said No repeatedly. Where is the hope coming from, and how does one crush it after using up all options in the 'Feminine guide to crushing men's hope' book?

The writer s view was not about saying no, rather its a case where the lady is yet to respond or not reciprocating or not being appreciated.

ihedinobi2: "Help meet for him". Also "help suited to him".

He that findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favor from the Lord. Marriage is beautiful. And if you marry right, you will explode in productivity. Still, sticking to someone who has said no is only going to make you less and less of a man for her. You will steadily lose your ability to lead her because your need for her grows so powerfully. Need soon translates to neediness and before you know it, you're doing whatever she likes in the hopes that she'll say yes. In time, you forget who you are and then you can hardly be her leader.

Yea, that's the mistake most men do, but One must not do just anything so as to be loved, else when you stop see headlines of newspapers
"My man has changed"

ihedinobi2: Dude I've done way longer than one month myself. I am not prescribing duration. One thing I'm certain of is that once you lay your cards on the table and lose the hand, get up and walk or you might as well take a knife with your own hand to your, er, jewels

Definitely, walking away may be the end option, lool
But In situations where it takes 2years to recover, hmmmm, its not bad if you... lool

Oahray: that part in boldface... Your next bottle of e-beer is on me

There's too much emphasis on relationship and marriage status, and less on what one achieves in them. I find wedding-obsessed girls annoying.

Lol, these days marriage is an achievement to some ladies, especially when their friends are getting married.

Some start acting as though, their life long problems have been solved. #Too much insecurity

ihedinobi2: I sometimes blame Hollywood for messing up relationship. But sometimes I think it is our ungoverned imagination that's really the culprit.

Women of our age have been taught to think that they are the chief goal of a man's life and men have been taught to chase women as if that is all life is about. There's more to life than romance. And women exist for more than the pleasant feelings they stir in a man.

So I am advocating learning to take this whole hormone drive down a few notches. Love your woman with abandon. But learn to let her go when she wants to. Love no be by force. She's not some trophy you must win and hang up somewhere. She's a person with the ability to make choices.

If she comes back to yarn dust, do yimu and watch your side.

Not only Hollywood, even bollywood and some novels. Lol
Believe it also that, there's something in a man's life that can only be fixed by a woman, its not emotions, children etc. Even God said its not good for man to be alone. Genesis 2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

ihedinobi2: Once a man has made his offer and been rejected, he really has no business sticking around any longer. That is not to say that women aren't worth the wait but the longer you wait the more you emasculate yourself. Nobody is immune to that. Whether physical symptoms come into play or not, it is unhealthy to stick around after you have been rejected.

I am one of those maybe weirdos who don't believe that marriage or relationship is the end. It's a means to an end, so if someone is unwilling to walk with you toward the end you desire, it is a waste of your life and passion and theirs too to stick around with them. For your health, for the health of the point of your existence, for their own health, let them go and move on.

I don't imagine it is easy. I have never found moving on easy. I broke up once and spent two years pining for the girl and hating her for leaving. I was a green kid back then though. But I eventually did move on. And even when I wasn't moving on I didn't move back.

There is a reason we're each here. That reason is what should govern our actions and forbearances. If you have things to do and someone you care about isn't planning on helping you get them done, why screw yourself up waiting? You leave things undone and in the end they may still never take on life with you. Romance is awesome in movies but you see, sunsets don't last forever. Mornings and chores and all that serious stuff wait at the end and if you sit pining, nothing gets done. Your life is sublimely wasted.

Nice one, i hope ujsizzie will see this.
But I can wait for a month, its not bad.

Oahray: A man gives the 'gift' when it ought not be given. A man breaks the rule and a man must pay!
*draws flaming valyrian steel longsword*

I get your point, men slow down and watch who you wanna give ur gifts to.

But If he does that, he can risk being with the one he truly loves.
And if he doesn't show his emotions, then the lady will conclude, he's not interested in me.
#That s analysis for another day.

ihedinobi2: Just don't return his calls. Don't answer his messages as often as he sends them. Don't take him into your confidence and make excuses to escape being his own confidante when he starts talking. Refuse to hang out, find excuses as often as you can manage. Reject and return his gifts.

If he doesn't get the message, you might need a restraining order against him to drive it home.

Good one, but when They start reaping what they sow,
You will see it on front page
"Men are wicked "
"Men are heartless"
In fact "ALL MEN ARE THE SAME "

I'll not hesitate to laugh, because am a man, and i know what's wrong with our relationships, but Ladies have refused to learn

Oahray: a man would like to answer a woman's question, but a man would be unfair to a certain other (probably good) man

Lol, you are funny. You should do a soap or movie with saka

ujsizzle: Off topic.
What do you have to do to kill a man's hope?

Babe, be like you wanna use it aa weapons.
Hmmm it can back fire, men are smarter than most people think, just that men just love you women, so the accept to pay the price.

If all men wanna be bad guys, this world will not be good for ladies to inhabit.

ujsizzle: So what if she's comparing you to the rest? Isn't she allowed to make the best possible choice given different appealing options?

Of course likewise the options are allowed to move on if they don't want to be weighed on a scale.

You are free to put him on Scale for as Long as you like,
But Don't Complain if you Don't Like the One you end up with.

But if men were to Scale ladies too, believe me the Lady they are Busy dying for May end Up to be number35 on the list and that's not Love.

Oahray: oh... An underscore. See my whack memory. *hides face*

I'm not sure I can answer that question as patience levels differ for many reasons. Still... Consider this scenario.

Let's say time is a queue in a banking hall, and there are two queues.

At the time miss Uj and Miss Sizzle walked in together some 10 mins ago, queue A had 63 persons, and qeueue B had 32 persons. Uj joined the shorter queue B, while Sizzle joined queue A.

Back to the present... 10 mins later, Sizzle is the 49th person on queue A. Uj is still the 33rd person on queue B.

The reason? Cashier B has been diligently working. Cashier A has been absent, though he returns briefly to sweet-talk the customers into hanging on before grabbing something and disappearing again.

1) Technically, which queue is longer?
2) If neither is in a hurry to go anywhere, who is more likely to abandon her queue, miss Uj or miss Sizzle?

Lol, your Analogy,
So the guy feels the Lady is buying Time to Compare him with Other guys, walking away is The option he's left.

ujsizzle: Wow. So if I want to make a man suffer, all I have to do is make him wait huh
.......even if I have absolutely no interest in him...nice

Now I see why you lot think we're just taking you for a ride most times.

lol
Pls don't use it as a weapon, its part of the reason, normally nice guys have become different, they now wanna flow with the general norms.
He now transfers the hurt to other ladies he will meet.

ujsizzle: oh well. I didn't think the temporary illness was peculiar to every man.
Things you learn everyday....

Lol, he may not be outrightly ill, but He's not gonna be himself during the period. He can be spending most time indoors alone, which is not healthy

ujsizzle: As a general rule?

Not generally, because some men can withstand longer period. Not its not fair if the period gets more than a month. The man is usually unstable during this period, he may loss appetite, fall ill, sleep late wake up late too, which can affect his job or business.

Immediately he recovers and moves on, its gomna be difficult to change his mind.

ujsizzle: So how long is too long anyway?

An underscore (_) I feel so incomplete now

If the man waits for a month, he has tried

ujsizzle: What if she didn't leave him outside for months?

You're very dramatic you know

He wrote it in a poetic form,

But He raised a point, the guy may think you are comparing him with another, and then walks away.

We should also not bring in past experiences and general notions and relate with the individual in person.

But Pls if the guy waits for a lady for up to a month, i won't blame the guy for leaving, because i know what men will pass through during this period.
He may lose his job, fall ill etc if he's not careful.

Sagamite: What comment did the guy make?

The comments implied that am emotionally weak,.

ujsizzle: Why do men always think maga and mugu?
There is the possibility all those while you bothered to be emotional and she wasn't reciprocating, she was trying to figure out where you fit in her life?
Then one morning she wakes up and you stop. The sweet, nice guy of the day before just disappears and in his place she's got someone who won't even open up about the slightest thing.
Pray if you were in her shoes, what would be your first thought? Will it far from thinking all that emotional blahblah was probably just player stuff and now you're totally in, he's reverted back to his old self?

We--both sexes--misunderstand ourselves a lot. And not making an attempt to see things through the others eyes just compounds it.
So you see, the insecurity exists for both male and female.

Wow, i. Love this, let me address the mugu part. A girl's response to a guy will show if the guy is being regarded as mugu. So it not always a general case.

Yes, like u said we misunderstand ourselves, that's what The writer is trying to address, though his focus is the man, and how the woman should respond.

But Now You have raised a point that probably the lady was also doing some thinking too.
I think guys should note your point

2sExy1: I am just busy working on my website.. otherwise, na here I for carrry yansh siddon.

Ideology, you just fairly new to romance section... I have read countless post by nairaland ladies who dont appreciate a nice guy. they tag them mugu, sissy, not man enough.... Sagamite can bear witness, wackyj1 as well. I dey come.

I get your point, not only ladies, even guys do, because it has become a norm. I mean just last night a guy made similar comments because i expressed my emotions.

Just believe there is someone different out there.

See why I love nairaland,
This is the best social network have visited, really nice folks around, somewhere, people that think differently.
Its such a great feeling

ujsizzle: hmmm interesting, explains a lot.
Say, what if he really isn't interested anymore? Or he just stops trying completely, what's she supposed to do? Still nurture?

The guy that was interested Cannot Just all of a sudden stop being interested. It's either the Lady has Done something wrong, for example the Lady, starts feeling the guy is Just being Obessed, or is a weak Fellow who's not Mature and needs to grow up, Some ladies May see the guys outPouring of Love as being a MAGA or "MUGU"

In any case, seek redress, nurture the man's emotions or find out if you offended the guy and sincerely apologize. then See his reactions.

ogbronx: You are right. Though this "emotional dullness" Lol, is exaggerated.
The case of "greenlite" turned down by guys could be for many reasons like shyness, complex or the guy isn't really interested. I have experienced where a gal hated a dude after long periods of green lite and nothing from the guy. He knew she was interested in him but he didn't want anything more than friendship.
Many guys know when women fancy them and are interested but for many reasons act like they don't see it. Also, MANY men understand women's non-verbal signs too but Ego and machismo might get in the way.
I really think its just the approach that differs how men and women react to emotional issues. Simply put, men are also as soft but have to act tough cos we have to. We have emotions too.
Some couples really understand themselves emotionally and all. These type are memorable and withstand outside influences.
The whole thing is completed though.

Cool Some folks are getting the gist, but your focus is woman. If am to add to your Point, ladies if your non -verbal signs are not yielding fruits, try Verbal signs, it doesn't Mean you are cheap.

#It's certainly Better you Speak your mind, One Lesson have learnt.

2sExy1: mstchewwwww...you beginning to spend too much time on romance section...

2Sexy i Knew you will Talk, lol. Am Just Having a Nice Time this write up am Already Planning to Print it and paste it in my Room even Frame it.

It's not bad to find love abi.
Love is the Sweetest thing in the world.

Decryptor: Now with most of the comments i have read here, i tend to believe that part Nairaland is really full of teenagers as members. Look at this educative thread being fiiled with comments like "I don't understand the rubbish the op just typed here", "This is BS", "I read it and it did not make any sense" etc. These are comments from little boys and psychologically immature men...And funny enough, THESE ARE THE KIND OF MEN BOYS MOST NIGERIA WOMEN FALL FOR! What a crying shame.

Lol
See what i said the writer's Audience is a real man not players or people who are into relationship for fun

Oahray: nice angle. You are right.

However, I think it's more than just a reaction to women's 'emotional selfishness.' Truth is, women generally show more emotional intelligence than men. They are better able to send and process received body language signals. It comes quite 'naturally' to them.

(At this point, the article attributes this to nurture, as against nature, maintaining that men grow up suppressing emotions cos of upbringing and society, while women are free to explore theirs. Whether it's nature or nurture, is a topic for another day)

It starts even from before a relationship starts. A girl sees a guy she likes, sends a torrent of 'come-get-me' signals, but he does nothing. The girl thinks he doesn't fancy her. Truth is, he probably just couldn't decode her greenlight.

Same with relationships. A girl wants to show how she feels, she uses non-verbal signs expecting him to get it. Her partner misses it, and she feels neglected or even unloved.

As a reaction, the guy feels she's making a mountain out of a mole hill, and withdraws to try to figure out within himself what's really wrong. She interprets his withdrawal as lack of interest in her, and at times mirrors him out of frustration.

They slowly drift apart. With time, another relationship licks the dust.

Wow this is beautiful, you brought it home, but i Think i writer area of Interest is when the relationship starts, the guy Normally pours out all his Heart, does things like
1. Calling her 3 Times a day.
2. always Wanna see her or Hear From her
3. Buys her gifts. Etc

Which Many see as being weak or being too emotional.
While the Lady, May not show all this feeling, even Though she Loves him.
Now the guy feels the girl is not reciprocating, he withdraws to control his excesses (Emotions)

during this Period, the Lady May think the guy is not interested in her again.
But the writer, has Advised that ladies should Understand men Under this light, Move in and nurture the man's Emotions. hence he said that man is Emotionally Immature.

Calebosko: IF I BECOME NAIJA PRESIDENT, My 7 points
agenda
1. I am going to make sure any guy or girl
who breaks each others heart will spend
20years in jail.
2. No man is entitled to more than one
wife.
3. Any guy without 6 packs or any girl
without figure 8 will have to relocate to
Iran or Iraq for survival...
4. No work on Mondays
5. You must not have more than 2kids..
6. If U are married and ain't paying
attention to your wife,you will be jailed
until you change.
7. Every cheating man or woman must be
kept in a zoo for 2months.
8. No sex until U seek permission from
your local Govt. and it's once per month.
Will u vote for me

Lol, I'll vote you for putting smiles on my face, actually i Laughed, very Funny Tho, but it seems you Understood what the writers seeks to address in a broad way.

ogbronx: So very true!

Yea

Ps : i love people with different mindset towards life. You are One of the few real men out there, stay cool.

Oahray: thanks for this bro. I didn't click the link cos of the way the op just broke off the whole thing.

The article explains what I've been trying to communicate to a female friend without success. I have a good mind of sharing the link with her, but... The posts on this thread have been disappointing. It's a mentally lazy generation. I'd likely still have to explain after she 'reads' it.

It's a mindset issue, we are in a world where wrong ethics Become a norm. I just wish humans can open up and learn the right things.

LIKE I SAID THIS WRITE UP IS NOT FOR PLAYERS, they May never Accept the writer's views

ogbronx: Nice write-ups and basically true but let me add an observation here, lots of ladies are emotionally selfish. Men have emotional needs too. Most men stopped caring and being emotionally involved because in most relationships, it is not reciprocated.
Good relationship give mutual attention to feelings of the couple.
The guys here would agree with this that women are the reasons why men seem not to be emotional these days.
We men are born to be tough but gentle and caring to one person we really care about which usually turns disastrous when she let's you down. Many men have lost faith in women and the few who do are regarded as Mugu.

Well said, but till tomorrow, men will Always be Emotional, they Just wanna hid it because of their Previous Experience or Don't Wanna be seen as weak,

Also recent schools of Thoughts believe Ladies Love Tuff guys, and Some folks also believe the One that shows less Concern in relationship is in charge.

These are all Crazy believes that are Rendering relationships useless.

Oahray: Well, I don't see what people are complaining about. I read it all and it does make sense. While it explains many scenarios (like why women are better at expressing and detecting emotions, and why many ladies feel ignored in their relationships), it doesn't apply to some, and the op wasn't even gracious enough to complete it.

Thanks for being Objective,

See the last part of the write up Below

You have Also highlighted a Point, where a Lady will will feel ignored, Not actually Understanding what the guy is passing Through. The guy according to the writer is not Ignoring the Lady, but withdrawing to fix his Emotions.

During this Period, if the Lady is Not nurturing and fill up the gap, the relationship breaks away.
The writer also highlighted that the man during this people is usually mocked and being addressed as weak as seem

2sExy1: Last time I was emotionally involved stabbed, broken, damaged, smashed, regarded as sissy, a weakling, not man enough and killed.. like a phoenix I rose from the ash without my old looks.

Women set the example and emotional tone that allows their partner to feel safe.

When a man faces a woman who is emotionally stable, it allows him to understand his own emotions. The depth of understanding that the woman has with herself and her own emotional nature will give him the security to express and unveil his own strengths. The woman who is emotionally secure brings a presence of emotional security to the relationship.
A well meaning man will appreciate this and do his best, and grow faster and reveal the depths of his spirit with increasing strength and confidence.
Granted, the ideal is that a man can figure out his emotional state and come into his own emotional maturity through his own self-generated willpower.

Yet the reality is that teachers, guides and mentors accelerate this process and help a person navigate the confusing and mysterious realms of emotions. There are a great many pitfalls and bewildering mirages when it comes to the shifting sands of sensitivities. And as man learns his emotional state, he is also facing the additional challenges from his friends, family, and world that challenges that awakening at every step.

The woman who is insecure with her own emotions will see a man who withdraws as a threat and denigrate him and go on the attack. This is the antithesis of supportive behavior. She may not realize that he is a man who is brave beyond measure to face his own soul and bare his spirit with vulnerable trust. When a man doesn’t respond as she needs and demands at the emotional level, lashing out will only cause harm. Gentle understanding and compassionate acceptance brings healing and deepens the relationship.

One of the best qualities women have is the ability to nurture. Nurturing is not aggressive. And with a man, directing aggression at him will generate an aggressive response. He will either fight or run. The flight or fight response is deeply ingrained into every human being. In essence, attacking a man who is opening his heart will trigger a survival level instinct.

Once that survival level power fully awakens in relationship, the dynamics in the relationship changes and may never come back to equilibrium.

Nurturing is not forceful, instead it is accepting and allows for a natural growth curve. Be patient.

Just as a tree takes time to come into its fullness and blossom, a man who is learning to embrace his deeper truths will need time to fully ripen into his potential.

Appreciate the men who take the time to stand up against society to discover, feel, live and unleash their sensitive side. It takes a lion’s heart full of courage to face down societal expectations and programmed beliefs.

Give him gratitude, honor his spirit, thank him for being available with his sensitivity in ANY way that he is able. Such a person is one of a kind, a warrior in the truest meaning of the word.

Source:elephantjournal.com