It's just a sign of affection. I slap my bf's cuz he has a really, really nice one. Women admire backsides too!

@ Blood Shed One, trust that I totally meant the "brother" comment as a barb, which quite suits your thorny nature.  You feel how you feel , you're entitled to that, I am just thankful not ALL men think as you do.

Two, since females are the enemy, perhaps you should just be screwing your damn self, since they are so tricky, so loathsome.  You would think you did not come from a woman's womb.  Misogyny is hard for me to truly understand, no matter how blatant.

Three, lol, I have no reason to backpedal for the likes of you, sir.  I was just stating what I already had, that which you continually ignored because of course you only want to see and acknowledge what you wish.  I don't know you well enough, or care to, to make a friend or enemy of you.

I am civilized, but let you tell it all women are evil banshees and shrews just looking to trick or turn a man into ashes.  Your bitterness is sad to watch.  But it is what it is.  I am done with the subject, or at least my addresses to you.

Trust me, I am NOT the enemy. You're so busy trying to see me not taking responsibility, that you do not realize I am not negating the truth of the matter, but accepting the responsibility, but only for myself and my actions. I cannot and will not be a representative of all women, I am only myself and that is where my ultimate responsibility lies.

You seem to be looking for an argument, when I do not desire to offer one that is contentious, but only stating my truth, and my view of things. Do you hate and distrust women so much that you have to be on the defense so hard? I am asking, not accusing. Perhaps, I should just interpret your vehemence for passion on this particular subject.

I am not coy about the truth or what I think, so we can discuss frankly. I take as good as I give. Let's talk about this. Men seem to feel sometimes that we box you all in and give you no ground to fully express yourselves. I am not that woman, I do want to know exactly what you think. It enlightens me all the more.

If this chick is blatantly setting her man up, she is wrong. I have already stated that. But he has a part to take up in this too. I am just saying he should take responsibility for his part, no matter her guile or gullibility.

Second, I agree there is an all time high of male hatred, and there is an all time high of hatred of women that stems back thousands of years. I do not mean to undercut or undermine the relevance of the truth of male hatred. It particularly permeates society these days, and has led to some serious emasculation issues for men, and has caused a serious balance shift in relationships between men and women. It has caused fathers to be disrespected and destroyed in the eyes of children, when a single mother or even married mother cannot separate her hatred of a man, from rearing her children and allowing that man to fulfill his role as father and provider to his children.

Women have abused men in some the cruelest and wickedest ways. Even I will admit a woman's type of hatred and deception can score a lot longer and deeper than a man's if she intent on hatred and cruelty. However, this is not all women. Not all men are dogs, sorry, cheats and liars. I know this because of the good men in my life from all walks of life, backgrounds, continents etc. I am one woman who can say I love men without rancor, even though I have had some bad bouts in relationships, but I also realize it did not make them bad men, it's just we were not right or not ready for each other. I love my brothers, I do. If nothing else I say rings true with you please know this. There are other women, your women who feel the same regard, respect and love for you.

I had the misfortune of working for local family court for two years when I was younger and I watched so many men come in filing for custody of their children, men who wanted to be in their childrens' lives, men I offered legal help and counsel to (when I was not supposed to) because it broke my heart to see them and the children taken through the ringer. I have watched trifling women use their children as pawns to manipulate and harass a man, through constant court motions, and taking his children. I have watched men I have loved, who were my own lovers, suffer at the hands of their wretched baby mothers. I have seen the grief and had to comfort many a man beyond my capacity in these scenarios. It is evil. It is wrong. It is one of the vilest things a woman could do, keeping children from a loving, and well meaning father. There is no excuse for it.

So don't tell me what direction I don't want to take this conversation in. I have more compassion and depth of feeling than you realize when it comes to these things "brother."

I will agree to an extent men have been castigated when it comes to unfaithfulness, cheating and lying.  Women have been just as abused or worse when it comes to this kind of labeling.  What I always find is one of us (women) or one of you (men), are always trying to point the finger and play the victim.  Truth is both are just as capable of lying and cheating. This is not a blame game, this is about being responsible and truthful!

in my eyes a cheat is a cheat is a cheat. Period.

In the past when I have cheated I could have supplied myself with 1,000 excuses but in the end I was still guilty of the crime, and I had a choice before cracking open my legs and doing what I wanted to do.

Case in point I had a similar issue with my ex he kept a house full of male friends (and some females) at all times of day and night.  Very good looking and sexually attractive men at that.  Members of his business and motorcycle clubs.  At different times they tried to test me out: brushing up against me, teasing, flirting, one going so far to make an offer and slapping me on my backside --- and I immediately let my man know about all this behavior and checked those men.

Now will I say I was not tempted?  Hell, I am no angel.  I definitely looked and found quite a few of them attractive, but I knew to carry my self off to my man, or lock myself away from their presence to avoid potential drama with my man. I was there for his personal pleasure, not theirs.  It's called remembering you have a Significant Other, and respecting them!

Could I have tried something?  Sure I could have, but I chose not to. Aha, it's that damned self control thing I keep bringing up. 

It would have been too easy for me to blame my man for keeping such attractive company about, but at the end of the day my choice was all mine, no matter what he did.  Yeah, he could be blamed for being  faulty in the attention he paid to keeping other men from seeing and having access to his woman, but ultimately I had to make a choice to be in control of my damn self.

Women can be tempted as well as any man.  We are no different from you all in that regard.  And so if I won't excuse myself from being responsible, I'm not about to set a double standard for men either.

@ Blood Shed: To take MY personal OPINION as a reflection of any of society's views is the worst thing to do.  You would find some pretty unhappy people if that were the case, sir.

And despite his girlfriend's stupidity (and she is either attempting a blatant set up or she really is that damn silly), again, he has a choice. If he really wanted her to stop bringing these women to his house he would stop her.  What man is really just going to let a woman run anyone or anything through his house without seriously checking her. Come, the hell on! 

I don't care if she parades 100 fat asses in front of him (and she would not be right to do this), in the end he is responsible for his own actions. That would be like me blaming my man for always having fine male friends around.  I have a choice who my thighs part for, and ultimately it is my responsibility to control myself.

Point blank. Period.

@ Blood Shed What an intelligent and well thought out response. I will leave the F**KING UP to you, sir.

Anyhow, I'm not saying a woman should be stupid and parade her attractive gfs in front of her man. That is FOOLISH thing to do, and any woman who ignores her man's warning is being stupid and asking for trouble.

I only mean that in the end a man has a choice about where he sticks his penis. He can be tempted but no one is putting a gun to his head, saying screw this woman or DIE! If a woman is expected to practice some self control and restraint, why should men be freed from the same responsibility.

Truth!

If you took the woman back and decided to love her despite the wrong she did to you, then that means you agreed to continue loving her and trying to find a way to restore the trust between you. Reducing your love is not the issue because you showed more love in accepting her back. You are going to have to rough it out and work on this with her if you feel she is worth it. If you distrust her so greatly, you might want to consider if being together is what you really want or need.

Hmmm, let me think, WOMEN.

Some men might consider it parasitic when a woman wants you to spend on her and do things for her, but rarely do they think their incessant desires for sex, coddling and adoration as parasitic. I think parasitic relationships are two way streets not confined to any particular gender. A parasite consumes without thought or care to the damage done, so if this is the kind of individual you are attracting then maybe you need to check your own character or learn to be a wiser chooser of women.

Never forget that you choose these women, and therefore should not project these characteristics on to all women (contrary to the popular myth, we are not all the SAME). There are people (men and women) capable of giving great love, respect, and mutual affection and adoration to one another. You have to handpick them, and have an eye for the real thing.

How about this: Control your self. To be tempted is a trial, but mastery of self shows even you can overcome the more base desires of your nature.

Real. Talk.

Women, hands down. Most things a woman will endure off the average man, would have a man walking out the front door in a second. For some reason God granted us more virtue and patience to deal with things than men. It often puts us at an unfair disadvantage, but it serves it purpose to keep balance and harmony with men (or that is how it should be.)

@ Blood you are funny. Your assumption is wrong. My Nigerian man is no simp by any means. He's 100% soldier. But that is no concern of yours. Don't you have another pissing match to attend to? It's poor sport to mock a worthy man you have no concept of.

@ BloodShed May God never give you daughters to be cursed with such teachings. You will PRAY for them to have brains dealing with some of the men and situations in this world.

I think it depends on the person's character.  A liar is a liar, that is not a matter of gender, but a matter of character.

I thank everyone who has supplied their sensible insight to me, but I find myself wanting to "defend" him a bit, because usually my intuition is pretty on point (oh I have made errors), but I don't get a false feeling from him. I think he is sincere enough. What I know about human beings is that we can mean everything we say and do in a moment, but we can definitely change over the course of time. We have talked more in depth than I have disclosed, and have been feeling each other out through some situations and discussions. I don't imagine any of this will be easy for me, relationship building usually is not. We both agree, we need to continue getting to know each other, so that we can both be certain there is a future for us at all.

Yes, there is the potential to fall in love, and I really, really, really like him, and yes I am considering a what if scenario if we become more deeply involved. I think that makes sense if two people are looking to potentially settle down. You might want to think about that, if you like a person enough. I am definitely not talking about packing my bags and marrying a man, who I still need to learn so much more about today, tomorrow or even 6 months from now. I'm going to see how we do over the summer and move from there. I don't want to write him off, before we even have a chance to try.

As for the polygamy thing, I am not so foreign to that being raised by a polygamous Father, and being in an Islamic community, where polygamous marriages are not uncommon. I have embraced monogamy as my ideal choice for a relationship, but that one has not always worked so well, maybe a polygamous one can despite my reservations. But for now I am getting to know the man, not picking out the wedding dress, lol.

I know I said he has some opinions that are harsh to me, but everything that comes out his mouth is not negative or racist. We both have some pretty strong views on race, nationalism, politics, class and social issues. On many issues and things we agree, and on some we are at variance. As it should be. I don't think an intelligent man like him would want a spineless clone for a woman, because if that were the case he would definitely not deal with me. I have been outspoken since the moment he met me, and it has not ruffled his feathers in the least, in fact he likes that I am outspoken, which truly did surprise me. lol.

From what I have observed he does not need me for money, for an ego boost (he is quite confident in his own self), or papers (he has been here six years, and has no desire to make the States his permanent home) and as for sex, well hell I don't think he has lacked that before meeting me either. If I'm his flavor of the moment, then that will be my foolishness, but at least it was fun while it lasted. That is my risk to take, and there is always risk involved when opening up to a new person, whether they are foreign or from the States. Right now I like him, we get along well, we have things in common despite our cultural differences. It helps that I am not entirely ignorant of where he comes from or who his people are.

I think we may have a chance, and maybe we don't, but only time will tell.

I don't feel the need to cheat, but I have made this mistake and/or bad decision in the past. I can tell you from personal experience cheating on a significant other is always messy and dishonest.  It makes life a lot more complicated and depreciates the respect and trust between you both.  Again, as one of the other posters said it is not about getting/not getting caught, but about the right or wrong of a situation.  You would not want your SO cheating on you, so why even leave room to set yourself up for that kind of hurt and betrayal.  I know we are all human, and sometimes things happen, but you should walk a fine line on this one. Cheating is way too much work, for a situation that is not going to lead to anything but hurt, mischief and trouble.

This is a cop out! Just be real, if you no longer want to be married don't create some flimsy excuse "Like my mind is not telling me you're my real wife."  If you want the relationship to be over, just be a real man and tell her you want a divorce.  Of all the crock I have heard in my life for a man wanting to divorce his wife or leave his woman, this by far has got to be one of the most ridiculous.  Just because she was married before does not invalidate your current marriage.  You are bound by vows, spirit and laws, and remember you chose this for better or worse, not because she has something in her past you don't like or until it is no longer convenient for you.  I feel sorry for this woman if she has a man like you for her husband, who has grown finicky for the weakest of reasons. For shame!  

Hell no, that is ridiculous to go by something so random and insubstantial.

Honestly, most men do not want the "assumed" psychological  and emotional baggage (sometimes physical too i.e.: changed looks, fitness concerns etc) or extra responsibility i.e. a woman with a child or children that potentially comes along with a woman beyond her mid-twenties. I had an older brother (who was one of my mentors at the time) tell me this directly.  It seems vastly unfair that men are in a position to be accepted no matter what age or level of life, or experiences or baggage that they come with.  Most men seem to be an eligible match for some woman, somewhere no matter what.  

Now I believe a woman has a right to be just as choosy, and deserves to have standards for men, if she holds her own self to a standard.  If you have been single for a long time, some women can grow desperate and settle for less than they deserve just to have companionship which can end up being very dis-satisfactory.  I say never negotiate your own worth, but also be realistic.  

In the end everyone has to do what works for them.  I don't feel threatened by being 30 and unmarried.  It will happen when it is suppose to, because I am not willing to rush into a loveless union just to have someone.  Impatience can lead to the most foolish and heartbreaking actions.

A woman is of marriageable age when she is ready for the responsibility and duties that come with being mated to a man for life.  Anything else is just whimsical thinking.  Be sure it's the life you want, before you leap in.

This chick sounds like she is doing waaaaay TOO MUCH, already.  She needs to calm down and chill out.  Us women can get a little pressed when we like a brother a lot, but still we have to reign in our emotions and check ourselves.  All things in due time.  You need to let her know this behavior is not cool with you, and if she keeps cutting up, then you need to cut her off.  Don't drag it out, if things aren't going anywhere positive between you all.  Better to know how she can be now, than to wait when things are more serious or complicated.  And any chick telling you she wants to make a baby with you RIGHT NOW, has got issues.  You should be real careful about that.  Having children is way too serious to just do it on a whim for some man.

LOL, based on my limited experience with Nigerian men (just having started dating one), I can safely say it's not just them American men try to pull that junk too!  On the first night out with my Nigerian he goes, "You're going to make me fall in love." to which I quickly replied, "Don't fall in love with the sex, but with me."

So far, so good, but who knows what kind of foolishness we could both get into.  I'm a little wary, especially with my feelings running higher and deeper for him than I want them too.  We shall see.

Personality: Confident, outgoing, passionate and fun loving.

Pampering: Lots of kissing, back massages, foot rubs, playing in my locks. (I love that my current does these things!)

@ Inked, I definitely will.

@ Inked Definitely not judging him, just considering every angle. I'm just going to see what happens as we continue dating. Thanks.

Jay and Inked, those are the OTHER thoughts I was having.  I was not exactly sure who in my personal circle to bounce this off of, because my sister-friends who have dated/and or been married to Nigerian men have so much to say that is NEGATIVE.  And I was going, damn, I cannot just judge the man by all my friends experiences.  I don't want to be silly and judge a group of men just based off their tribe or where they come from.  Just like I would not want to be judged for being an American Black woman.  But I am definitely thinking about everything, and as much as I like him, trust I have my own hesitations.   Thanks for the insights everyone.

Honestly, it was not so much a question I'm looking to have answered, just some insight or advice outside my own. Sometimes it takes the hardcore opinions of others to really bring a situation into focus. There are things I might not even be thinking about (clearly) that I really should be considering. Thanks for the insight Nekai.

I definitely like a man who smiles, but it can't be one of those big, fake or cheesy smiles that border on being creepy. lol

Inked Nerd, definitely not taken as an attack.  I do understand where you are coming from.  It would seem a bit hypocritical to disdain an illegal drug dealer more than the person who sells alcohol and cigarettes.  It's just I have seen how much more damaging (up close and personal) illegal narcotics have been versus alcohol or cigarettes (though these too cause pain and death) so my decision is more personal than about general moral rightness, if that makes sense to you?

I have been faced with this decision before, and have left. I cannot be with a man that will push poison to other human beings, especially his OWN PEOPLE. My conscience won't let me do it. I definitely would not marry a drug dealer.

I am an American Black woman that has recently become involved with a Nigerian man (his father is Yoruba/mother is Igbo), but he identifies as Yoruba. Anyhow, we have been dating for about 3 weeks, and I truly like him. He is a very nice man, and does just about anything I ask him to. I would definitely not call him a pushover, but he does seem to aim to please. Part of me suspects that this is the "honeymoon phase" of the courtship because at some point he may not be so obliging. Still, I cannot help but to be flattered and like the way he treats me. He is intelligent, attractive, charming, affectionate and fun to be with. He is actually all that I could ask for or want in a man.

I was not looking to become involved with anyone as I was ending a complicated relationship with a childhood sweetheart. When I met him, it was pure chance that we crossed paths. He did not even really check me out when we first met until we started conversing, and found that I was interesting, and then we exchanged numbers. That first night, we talked for hours and I think I surprised him, pleasantly. The next day he called me up and asked me out, and we had a wonderful all day/all night date, and it was the best date I had been on. We have instantly connected and bonded in such a short time, and things are very emotionally intense between us already. I'm not trying to be foolish, but I could see myself falling in love with this man.

This whole experience is new and makes me a little nervous, with all these feelings I have running high, and just getting to know him. We have talked about marriage and children, in a what if scenario and I am curious and intrigued, at what life could be like with him. I proposed that we continue dating until the end of summer to see if this is serious, and then we should just go from there. He agreed.

However, there are some complications, like he is leaving the U.S. to go back to Nigeria next year. He is adamant about not living in the States, and seems particularly anti-American, which is understandable considering its abuses toward people of color here and abroad, and the many horrific and corrupt political entanglements it has with other countries. Anyhow, if this becomes more serious than it already has I am faced with leaving my home, my family and friends, my professional and artistic career and connections, and everything I know. I can't imagine not going with him if we are in love, and in my heart I already know I would not stay here, I would go with him. Yet, I don't want to be foolish, that is a huge move. I have always wanted to travel to Africa, but never imagined I would be faced with an opportunity to LIVE there. He wants me to go, I want to go, this should be easy, but this is something I have to really think about.

The second complication is that as he told me, he is a traditional man, and that he will take two wives. He told me straight up, which I appreciated, but still being raised in a Western dominated society, monogamy is all I know, and that is the standard I have accepted for myself in a relationship, even though many people cheat and lie anyway. I can definitely respect him for telling the truth, instead of hiding it from me. He told me this on our first date, and it did not daunt me enough to stop seeing him. But still the very American woman part of me knows I can be jealous and don't like the idea of sharing. Another part of me thinks I could rise above that pettiness and try for him, but I still have to think about ME. I might even be rushing too far ahead of myself, but I am attempting to use some logic.

I don't want to end up with regrets, and I don't want him to regret me. Our connection has been way too beautiful and harmonious to be wearied with worries and nagging now, I just want to make the right choice. I know I have some time right now, and I should just take my time to keep getting to know him, so I can assure myself that we are not each others' flavor and fling of the moment.

My other worries include my American-ness versus him being so in tune with his own culture. I know some things about his country, the culture and customs, but it is a totally different thing to be there, and immerse yourself in the every day life and language of the people. I don't want to be ill adjusted but he told me it would be hard for me in the first few years. I don't want to be ignorant, so I always ask him questions and ask him to teach me things. This is a lot for a man I just met three weeks ago, but from that first date I just trusted him without thought, and I don't trust anyone too quickly. I am so comfortable with him, and I want things to remain sweet between us like this, always. That sounds naive, I know, because all relationships have their challenges. I expect that.

Another thing that bothers me, is sometimes I feel his opinions on Black people in America are a little harsh, judgmental, and stereotypical, especially when it comes to American Black women. I never really thought of myself as American, until I started dating him, and he points out so many things that are worth considering, still I find myself having to show him not all things are negative and backwards with our people over here in America. He does not seem to have a very high opinion of American Black women, and I strike him as being different. He was very surprised to find out that at 31 I have no children, that I am independent, educated, cultured and very broad thinking. We talk about so many things, and I love that about him. But at the same time, I don't want to feel inferior. I cannot help that I am American born, but I can vastly improve through learning, traveling and experiencing other people and cultures.

Forgive me for rambling but I have a great deal of thoughts and concerns on this subject, and would appreciate any advice or insight.

Thank you.