₦airaland Forum

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so,

Do you have a piece of gum?

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."


ANOTHER JOKE

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

A man was lying on his death-bed in a hospital when suddenly he began flailing his arms and making motions as if he wanted to speak.

The priest, keeping a bedside watch, leaned towards the man and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"

The man nodded affirmatively. The priest handed him a pad and pen. "I realize that, in your condition, you can't speak. Here, write a note on this pad of paper and I'll pass it along to your wife. She's in the waiting room." The man gathered his last bit of strength and proceeded to scrawl his message on the pad of paper. He then quickly handed the note to the priest. Moments later, the man died.

After administering last rites, the priest left the man's bedside to break the sad news to the wife. After some consoling, the priest handed her the note.

The wife tearfully opened the note which read, "Get off my damn oxygen hose!"

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay, "

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea, just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, "Go into that room and kill your wife." The guy says, "No way," and leaves FBI headquarters.

The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job, and he, too, refuses.

Finally the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. "What happened?" asks the FBI agent.

"Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, I had to kill her with the chair."

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

> I want u to know the message
>I pass when kissing and touching U.
> The Lovers of the Heart
>
> In order to form
> a more perfect kiss,
> enable the mighty hug to promote
> to whom we please
> but one kiss.
>
>
>
> Article 1:
>
> Statement of Love:
> The Kiss
>
> 1.
> Kiss on the hand
> I adore you
>
> 2.
> Kiss on the cheek
> I just want to be friends
>
> 3.
> Kiss on the neck
> I want you
>
> 4.
> Kiss on the lips
> I love you
>
> 5.
> Kiss on the ears
> I am just playing
>
> 6.
> Kiss anywhere else
> lets not get carried away
>
> 7.
> Look in your eyes
> kiss me
>
> 8.
> Playing with your hair
> I can't live without you
>
>
> ,d9.
> Hand on your waist
> I love you to much to let you go
>
>
>
>
> Article 2:
> The Three Steps
>
> 1.
> Girls:
> If any guys gets fresh with you, slap him.
>
> 2.
> Guys
> If any girl slaps you, her intentions are still
> good.
>
> 3.
> Guys &Girls
> Close your eyes when kissing, it is rude to stare.
>
>
>
> Article 3:
> The Commandments
>
> 1.
> Thou shall not squeeze
> too hard.
>
> 2.
> Thou shall not ask for a kiss,
> but take one.
>
> 3.
> Thou shall kiss
> at every opportunit y.
>
>
> * Remember *
> A peach is a peach
> A plum is a plum,
> A kiss isn't a kiss
> Without some tongue.
> So open up your mouth
> close your eyes,
> and give your tongue
> some exercise!!!
>
> Here are a few reasons
> why guys like girls:
>
> 1.
> They will always smell good
> even if its just shampoo
>
> 2.
> The way their heads always
> find the right spot on our shoulder
>
> 3.
> How cute they look when they sleep
>
> 4.
> The ease in which they fit into our arms
>
> 5.
> The way they kiss you and
> all of a sudden everything
> is right in the world
>
> 6.
> How cute they are when they eat
>
> 7.
> The way they take hours
> to get dressed
> but in the end
> it makes it all worth while
>
> 8.
> Because they are always
> warm even when its minus 30 outside
>
> 9.
> The way they look good
> no matter what they wear
>
> 10.
> The way they fish for compliments
> even though you both know that you
> think she's the most
> beautiful thing on this earth
>
> 11.
> How cute they are when they argue
>
> 12.
> The way her hand always finds yours
>
> 13.
> The way they smile
>
> 14.
> The way you feel
> when you see their name
> on the call ID
> after you just had a big fight
>
> 15.
> The way she says
> "lets not fight anymore"
> even though you know that
> an hour later,
>
> 16.
> The way they kiss when
> you do something nice for them
>
> 17.
> The way they kiss you
> when you say
> "I love you"
>
> 18.
> Actually ,
> just the way they kiss you,
>
> 19.
> The way they fall into your arms
> when they cry
>
> 20.
> Then the way they apologize
> for crying over something that silly
>
> 21.
> The way they hit you

<b>bold</b>

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.

If you had another brain, it would be lonely.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

If you were my dog, I'd shave your butt and teach you to walk backwards.

You've got an IQ of 2. Pity it takes 3 to grunt.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Your so narrow minded when you walk your earings knock together.

Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

Once upon a time there was a man with a 25 inch penis.

Any guy would be excited to have such a big penis, but this man was not.

So one day his friend told him about a witch who could help him.

So the friend gave the man the witch's address.

The next day he visited the witch.

After telling the witch his problems she asked to she his penis.

After showing her, she thought for awhile and finally came up with an answer.

"Go into the woods and find a frog.

Ask the frog to marry you and each time it says no, your gigantic jewels will shrink 5 inches."

The man quickly ran to the woods.

After searching for an hour he finally found a frog.

He ran up to it and asked it to marry him.

"NO Thank You" the frog said.

The man looked down and watched his penis go from 25 inches to 20.

The man asked the frog two more times, and again, it replied no.

Once he was at 15 inches he thought 10 inches would be perfect, so he went up to the frog and asked it to marry him.

The frog replied.

"How many times do I have to tell you, NO, NO, NO"

The man looked down at his jewels and watched it go from 15 to 10, and from 10 to 5, and finally from 5 to not even a centimeter.

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."

"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

THE VALENTINE THRILLS ARE OVER, WORK HAS BEGAN BUT THEN I HOPE YOU WERE ALL WISE ENOUGH TO MAKE USE OF A , CONDOM, BECAUSE IT WON'T BE FUNNY IF THEY DON'T GET TO SEE THEIR PERIODS, BE READY TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITIES, ATLEAST YOU HAD AN OPTION OF A CONDOM,