₦airaland Forum

Lexusgs430:
You know I am right and I don't even know you or meet you before.....

An analysis of your initial story and subsequent replies, have painted a wider picture (call it forensic analysis)......

Lexusgs430:
From your simply explanation, I can deduce that you seem to like to talk and type too much, but lack the final bullet.

That is why your wife and MIL are undermining you.......

Then don see you finish.......

uckennety:
Run go Canada ooooooo

Heebah:
Am really sorry about what u r going through,it must be an emotional trauma. What do u want to do now about ur wife cos i feel dat is d most important it,she is d one u r married to not her mom. If u r able to stand and make her know u r d man of the house i think u r astep towards finding a solution to d problem. I wish u best of luck

nkwuocha:
I understand but you should behave like a man. When you start confronting women's childish and cunny attitude, you begin to behave like them.

Avoiding you is also a way of showing shame. Take that as your own revenge. People run away from those they suffer defeat from.

Put your family together.

Gloriagee:
Bro, I'm truly sorry about the issues you're facing in your marriage and I'm not going to pretend that I have all the answers.

I truly believe that you have been wounded and that you have to start the process of healing yourself and then the marriage cos if u don't, both of you will keep hurting each other. Not because you're mean but because hurting people hurt people.

I sort of can see why u feel slighted if ur MIL did not commiserate with you but commiserated with ur mum. Somehow, I missed that in ur initial post, but it's sort of irrelevant to me. Since the woman is as toxic as u say, isn't it better she's keeping interactions to the barest minimum. But if u feel strongly bout what she did, u can tell ur wife how slighted you feel even in a lighthearted manner. Truly I prefer passing info to in-laws thru the connecting spouse and ur wife should be able to handle it.

I really don't see why the Pastor should go on to tell you what the mum said and however she went wrong. I may be wrong though. His business is to pass on his message according to the gospel and as his conscience permiits whilst facilitating reconciliation. What he did is in bad taste. Nowadays people can't confide in pastors as u end up becoming laughing stocks and gossip topics.

My summary is this - work on ur marriage, please forgive and FORGET her infidelity. This is easier said than done, though. Stop making ur MIL so powerful. Ignore her and have a heart to heart with wife bout what triggered the infidelity - sexual dissatisfaction or emotional distance. If it's the former try to learn her sexual preferences and if it's the second, practice the art of empathy.

I truly wish u the best

uckennety:
Is this in Nigeria or aboard

If it's aboard kindly run away!if migrate to another country

nkwuocha:
The op is petty!

Heebah:
Exactly my thoughts. Op,why r u angry about her action?

Gloriagee:
Dude, ko ye mi. Why on earth does ur MIL need to tell u she's going to see ur mum for? Can't ur mum give u that update? So someone must announce a good deed before doing that.

You are making a good deed seem like a disfavor. You guys were bereaved n she went to commiserate with ur mum, u dey vex. What's her crime?

Dcholeric:
weak men should not be allowed to procreate ..

ArcSEMPECJ:
Bro,..there are two ways to handle issues,..either you go looking for solutions to restructure it or you look for a solution to destroy it,...I will a advice for restructuring,..call your MIL that you will like to see her for a family meeting,..then sit her down and your wife and narrate what you just said over here,..then As the chairman of the meeting throw out these solutions I mentioned up there and ask them which one to choose,...that will make you a man you are rather than causing wars or beating up somebody,..it makes you more of a weakling that I believe you don't want to be,...

Purehuman:
Those commenters that said visiting your mum without informing you isn't an issue do not understand basic family etiquette. The man is the eye of his extended family while the wife is the eye of hers, you should contact him before making a move. Him not knowing about your move is undermining the person of the man which is not right.

gabicon:
Your mother in law is an adult I don't think she needs your permission to visit your family or go to any family event.

secondly, stop making are more relevant than she is in your home, its a recipe for disaster.

Purehuman:
It is not a permission madam, it's information. The person that died is the husband's family member too. All these young ladies without knowledge of culture. So the person that died is only related to the husband's mother but not related to the husband?

She should have console with the man and highlight it that I will go see your mum to see how she is fairing.

Please go to your people who know culture and tell them this and see their reply.

Adefemiaderoju1:
Bro, I will only advise you that you should go with whatever decision that is right for yourself, you are a man and must always make decisions like a man.

eyinjuege:
You said she's avoiding you, not your mother.
She went to commiserate with your mum, you shouldn't be angry about that unless you expect her to extend the beef she has with you to your mum.

MetroBaba1:
Learn How Be Principled. It Saves A lot Bro

freeze001:
Kapelvej

No spouse should threaten the other with divorce unless they mean it and in that case they should follow through with action. Marriage is not dating where u make up and break up at will or where one can just up and leave. It is a conscious choice u make everyday to love ur partner and put him or her first after God and before yourself. Tell her not to ever threaten u with divorce again unless she means it.

You MIL visiting ur Ma due to a bereavement has done no wrong. Clearly had or have issues with her existing before this visit. I think u should see her as your mother, seek her out n have a meeting with her. Gently and respectfully tell her whatever issues u have and get them resolved. Subsequently call ur wife and let her know ur intimate issues n details as a family are off limits to 3rd parties and she has to learn that. With that, u gradually assert urself and set the healthy boundaries u need between ur nuclear family and in-laws.

Remain cordial and respectful but firm, you'll find there might be no need to cause the trouble u want to.

Lexusgs430:
What nasty thing did your wife do? Is she sorry about the nasty thing? Have you fully forgiven the nasty deed(s)?
Do you have any kids together?

franchasng:
Op (@kapelvej), between you and your wife, who earns more

From your write up, your wife seems to earn more than you; if you are the sole breadwinner of the family or you earn good enough, a Nigerian mother-in-law will never undermine you, they undermine their daughter's husband only when the man is not doing well financially. If that's your case, work harder and pray....and please threaten her with divorce and in fact be ready to execute it and in fact again, issue her a divorce letter tomorrow if you are the breadwinner and your wife is still undermining you.

But if your wife is the breadwinner, pls calm down and work on your financial growth because that could be her own way of protesting your not contributing enough to the family welfare.

Unik3030:
that was the greatest mistake of all time, there's one thing I learn about life. don't say yes to others n say no to your self, at d long run u might not forgive yourself for doing that. where are the pastors now to save u? am sure if u report to them twice a month n u go there d ffg month then will definitely tell u, u are not mature or u lack tolerance. my brother believe me we live in the choices we make n anything u do an for your head.pastors have always been d root of majority of marriage crisis since time immemorial. the only advice I have for u now is, sit down, think without reasoning of anybody influence because only u will face the consequences. think of a way out of this mess n take a direct action. am not saying u should divorce your wife but maybe send her back to her mom for like few months, let her spend minimum of 2 months am 100% sure they must have issues b4 d 2 months lapse n then she will come back begging so from there try n split them for u to have peace or better still inform your parents too cos the mother in law n wife can join forces n make u regret your life

grandstar:
Truth is, you intimidate them subconsciously hence they want to put you down and tell you that you can't control or dictate to them. This is common with weak people.

First and foremost, don't go down to their level and prove you're no pushover. Or are you a weak person too? Rise above it.

Since they are insecure, try and help them feel secure. One way is to encourage both your mother in law and your wife is to join a charity organisation (Acts 20:35). By doing so, their self esteem may rise and make them more secure.

Also, win them over with lots of love. Buy gifts for your wife regularly. It might even be fast-food when back from work.

Once in a while, or even once or twice a week, eat out. Help her in the kitchen regularly. Don't forget you're both one. If you make her really happy, she'll feel horribly guilty hurting you.

By a treadmill, and exercise regularly with your wife. Try and do things with her.

About your mum in law, try and win her over. You intimidate her and she's terrified loosing her daughter to you.

You will have to bring yourself down to achieve that. Anytime she wants to instigate you, don't become angry. Rather, turn the other cheek. and say, 'what did I do this time, no vex ". Or whatever you want to do, feel free. Weak people want to feel powerful over others. The typical bully belong to this spectrum. When you now hail them, this strokes their ego, and they become your friend. At times, just buying N100 paraga can can make you their buddy and are ready to kiss your feet.

Most importantly is the Bible. It never fails!
Apply Bible counsel in your marriage especially those found in Ephesians and watch how things will change for the better. It is vital that both of you apply Bible counsel but even if only one of you does, the difference will be clear.

I am a Jehovah's witnesses. Ask any Witness for the book, "Secret of family success". It is a masterpiece.

Or visit www.jw.org and go to our publications.

Wishing you the best

ipobarecriminals:
problem share nah problem solve

tradepunter:
You're spot on this is why guys should always be at a level of financial strength before getting married. Once you attain the women meant to be will come. I escaped getting married I saw I wasn't in strong position of financial strength. I also realized my fiance mum depends on her completely for financial support, that to me was a red flag because by proxy she will know our finances.. It got me wondering why would my potential mother in-law be heavily dependent on my future wife to be?? I am not Saying its bad but common sense will tell you.

uckennety:
Oga did i just read your wife threatened you with divorce pls bear with me for asking am having eye problem

If that's the true!

Oga pls divorce that daughter of jezebel systematically

Like taking your kids from her and leave her to do as she pleases
If she or her tricky mum calls you tell her that your done with the marriage

Hope no court marriage is involved see ooooooo!

Man will turn to woman in his house

Come no vex

Is it you that paid the bride price?

Next time you hear that shìt pls slap it outta her mouth

gabicon:
Your mother in law is an adult I don't think she needs your permission to visit your family or go to any family event.

secondly, stop making are more relevant than she is in your home, its a recipe for disaster.

Voltz1987:
Guy stand your ground ...there is always a way out of every Kleg matter...some women require very tough sanctions to fall in line....

Never engage her in an anguement except its for sport, if in the process of tryn to communicate she enters ranting mode..take yourself far away from that toxic behaviour and go have fun with your guys....come home late(9pm) , and when you do locate guest room for your peaceful sleep .

2.avoid topics that involves her mum cos most women will never take sides wif ya against their folks even when the folks Bleep up and its glaring. If it were me I would put a call across or waited to see the MIL to ask in the most polite manner about her trip to the member of my familys house she visited ..and after she has enjoyed narrating to me like person wen come from jand then u go tell am not to visit without informing you next time, even if she turns it into an argeuement stand there and not argue and when she done tryn to justify her actions and u get a chance to speak,reiterate you last stament of her not repeating her saction ,all this wif a very calm voice and walk away till u fade out of sight...if she calls any body to report at that point she wil be blamed.

For wify..cut all the treat wen u dey arrange am before if she ask tell her things have changed since she decided to maintain her behavour without improvement...and if she dey threaten you wif divorce...try surprise her wif live document make she sign

jaxxy:
Why is it that ur wife always threatened u with divorce I don't get it.

1. Is there still any love between u 2? If not u shud ask why? Wat kind of relationship do both of u have? Cat and mouse? Tom and Jerry?

2. Women shud respect their husbands. If she is rude was that how she was wen u dated and got married? If No wat happened along the line. Correct it and stand u ground when necessary.

3. Try to talk with ur wife and understand her 1st b4 u correct her. It takes 2 to tango. If she's sensible she will reason. If not go back to 2.

4. Do not let major issues slide. Deal with it either wen fresh and wen settled abit bt u must address it accordingly. U don't hv to address every issue cos dat wud be nagging.

5. Work on ur relationship with ur wife personally. Her mothers influence is as a result of ur poor relationship with ur wife I think. Unless she's been this way and u still chose to marry her.

musa7m:
both of you attend the same church