₦airaland Forum

justwise:
...because of the video clip you attached to your post

And this is against the rules?

Why were my posts hidden?

wizvicbankz:
Sense is far from you

Just because you are not capable of learning German?

emeka55:
You are questioning how he came to the conclusion that Germans don’t visit their parents, then YOU came to the conclusion that Germans don’t like him or anybody that does not speak Deutsch properly. You see how some of u shoot ur selves in the leg? Who told u told you that Germans don’t like people who can’t speak German properly?? So which means Germans hate almost every foreigner in Germany?? But they still offer jobs to people who don’t even speak German. Make it make sense??

Germans will always tell you that you have to speak German when you live in Germany. You will make this experience countless times if you don't learn German. Even when immigration is discussed on TV in political talkshows the issue that some foreigners refuse to learn German will always come up. When Germans complain about foreigners one of the reasons is that some of them refuse to learn to speak German.

How did you come to the conclusion that almost every foreigner doesn't speak German in Germany?

Danielhouston:
I’m telling, learning German is NOT easy. I have a B1 language certificate and I’m still struggling. A lot of words have the same meaning and many words mean the same thing.

For example: in English we say “the” bag. “The” in German could be “die, den, das, der” and you have to use them appropriately even though they all mean the same thing.

About racism, I’ve been called the N-word but that was mostly online and by 2 Russian guys in a train in Berlin. It was worse in 2015 during the refugee crisis in Europe. People would yell at me through their windows “Go back to Africa”, “Monkey”. But that was in small cities. There are no strong laws in Germany that protects people of color against racism but we’re constantly fighting against it. They recently established an anti-racism unit but I don’t know if it’s functional.

Germany has a very strong privacy law that racists tend to benefit from. You can experience racism and not be able to film the racist or post their picture online. You can only share that information with the police and your lawyer. You also need to have a witness or evidence. Other kinds of racism are institutional and economic. You don’t see them but they affect the way you’re being treated when you need something.

I’ve experienced more racism from Russians, Polish, Arabs and Turks in Germany than I have from Germans. Germany is no where near USA when it comes to racism. USA takes the cake. The thing is, Germans are VERY good at pretending. Even if they don’t like you, they will still be polite to you but you’ll know by the way they treat you. They also care SO MUCH about their reputation because of their history.

Germans won't like you if you don't speak German properly no matter if you are black or white so they not liking you could be because after seven years you still don't speak German properly.

Die, den, der, das differ in meaning.

Danielhouston:
When I moved to the house, I heard of another guy who had died, just months before I moved in. He died in front of the kitchen. They said he drank too much alcohol and choked in his vomit. They didn’t even know he was dead. They walked past him and went to the toilet. They thought he was drunk again and sleeping. Until the next day, he had not woken up. That was when they knew.

A girl died from overdose during sex with her boyfriend, after taking GHB (I think I mentioned that before). Some people also commit suicide out of loneliness. Germany has a culture of “mind your business” and people tend to keep to themselves. Some people are so lonely that they’ve not spoken to anyone in weeks. Some of them get a dog.

Even children don’t visit their parents. They just keep them in a home and don’t see them in months. They don’t even expect their children to take care of them. That’s why some of them always make sure they have pensions and don’t care about getting married or having kids. They probably know they’ll end up in a home when they get old, and a social worker can take care of them.

This is a falsehood. Children not visiting their parents is an exception not the rule. The average German is very conservative when it comes to family values and has very close family ties. I wonder how people come to the conclusion that Germans are not close to their parents and neglect them. How many such families have you known?

No, it is not. The views of and attitudes toward marriage are evolving.

Dear Missmishel,

your feelings are understandable and justified. Your hatred is the symptom of neglect and hurt. The question is how you can free yourself of this negativity (because it will mostly affect you)? Revenge seems like a good idea. Maybe the thought that he missed most of his child's childhood years and beautiful moments can help. He can never turn back time. You, on the contrary, were there all along. You have bonded with your child in a way that he will never be able to and his irresponsible behavior will always be a stain on his conscience. Remember it and let it help you remember that you are the greater person.

or shouldn't they?

Op-Ed: Why do we make children sleep alone?
by Benjamin Reiss

One particularly strange feature of middle-class family life is the way we train our children to sleep. “Go to your room,” we tell even very young children, “and stay there all night.” We have invented elaborate techniques to support this supposedly essential aspect of child development, implementing them at great emotional cost to all parties involved. For the parents: agonizing decisions about when and whether to comfort a crying child, bleary-eyed squabbles about which parent takes a turn in the middle of the night. For the kids: fear of being alone in the dark, and resentment of the adults who, in the words of historian Peter Stearns, “hovered about urging sleep when none was wanted.” The resulting frustration seems to have reached a boiling point, as evidenced by the best-selling mock-bedtime book, “Go the F— to Sleep.”

Why do we do it?

For all the tenacity with which we cling to the ideal of solitary childhood sleep, it’s a historical anomaly. This system of sleeping — adults in one room, each child walled off in another — was common practice exactly nowhere before the late 19th century, when it took hold in Europe and North America. Even in wealthy families that could afford to spread out, children generally slept in the same room with nurses or siblings. Indeed, solitary childhood sleep seems cruel in those parts of the world where co-sleeping is still practiced, including developed countries such as Japan.

But as industrial wealth spread through the Western economies, so did a sense that individual privacy — felt most intently at night — was a hallmark of “civilization.” Great pains were taken to relieve nighttime overcrowding and provide more privacy in factory boardinghouses, which were thought to breed disease and immorality through the proximity of sleeping bodies. In an 1842 report, the pioneering English health reformer Edwin Chadwick wrote that, “in such facilities two or three families would sleep together, workers coughing and snoring together in rooms without windows or chimneys, the whole atmosphere pervaded by filth, fetid air and vice.” In response to these conditions, in 1851, Parliament passed a Common Lodging Houses Act specifying, among other health measures, the need for basic privacy.

Spreading out requires large homes that are expensive to build, to heat and to power with electricity. Our sleep ... has a large carbon footprint.

Ensuring privacy at night was not just a health concern; it was also a matter of defining proper “whiteness” or “Europeanness.” While reformers endorsed solitary sleep as healthful and moral, they noted that “savages” slept collectively — and this practice was somehow to blame for underdevelopment of the non-Western world.

According to the physician William Whitty Hall, author of a popular 19th century sleep hygiene book, individuals in co-sleeping societies were like “wolves, hogs and vermin” who “huddle together,” whereas in the civilized West, “each child, as it grows up, has a separate apartment.” Where social sleeping persisted among white people, it was usually associated with poverty and considered a social ill — as in Jacob Riis’s 1890 “How the Other Half Lives.” One hundred and fifty tenement dwellers, he observed with horror, slept “on filthy floors in two buildings,” and tramps dozed off in the doorways.

This new insistence on individual sleeping was reinforced in psychology and pediatrics through the 20th century. In 1928, the behavioral psychologist John Watson argued that children should occupy their own rooms as early as possible for fear that too much coddling would stunt a child’s development. Sigmund Freud’s Oedipal complex — with its nightmarish vision of children permanently scarred by witnessing parental sex — gave impetus to the idea that nighttime proximity was harmful. The most famous pediatrician of the mid-20th century, Benjamin Spock, offered a mélange of Freudian ideas and behavioral training, warning that “the young child may be upset by the parents’ intercourse, which he misunderstands and which frightens him.” To prevent this traumatic outcome, Spock recommended trapping the child in the crib with an adapted badminton net.

The best-known method for separating children from parents involves training rather than webbing. “Bedtime means separation,” wrote Dr. Richard Ferber in 1985, because learning to sleep apart from parents allows the child “to see himself as an independent individual.” Ferber later backed off the claim that solitary sleep was universally preferable to co-sleeping and acknowledged that “co-sleeping predominated as our species evolved.” He instead counseled parents to “choose whichever system best suits you.” But he loaded the dice, reminding readers that co-sleeping societies tend to “remain socially and economically most ‘primitive’” — perhaps unintentionally echoing old asso­ciations of collective sleeping with supposedly inferior cultures.

There are, of course, good reasons for children to have their own bedrooms. It’s more practical for adults to pursue nighttime leisure in an area where children aren’t sleeping; it’s easier to set everyone on a proper schedule for work and school when they can all retire to different spaces at different times; and parental intimacy may increase without little ones around. Doctors advise parents not to share soft mattresses with infants — in case they roll over and suffocate the child — especially if the adults have been drinking before bed.

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-reiss-sleep-alone-20170324-story.html

I want to believe that this is a distasteful joke or better yet that someone used their pictures to make a bad joke.

Irreconcilable differences are usually used in court to file for a no-fault divorce. It means that nothing as serious as violence or adultery is the reason for the divorce. Irreconcilable differences could mean that the spouses have fallen out of love, have difficulties finding a balance between family life and work, disagree on finances, lack sexual intimacy, have communication problems or they have simply grown apart and share no common interests.


The only constant is change.

Dear Riele,

you are still very young but smarter and wiser than many people older than you. To feel outrage in the face of such experience shows that you have not yet accepted what should never ever be accepted and what is the cause of this nation's dire state and the source of incredible suffering. Don't let anyone tell you that you are too young to care and do not allow anyone to coerce you into accepting such realities. The reactions to your story show the mentality of the average Nigerian, the acceptance and support of criminal and immoral behavior. You should be applauded and celebrated for speaking up, instead they will tell you to shut up. Even if you feel helpless now, it's people like you who have the required mindset to make a change and drive the development of this uncivilized state. What you became a witness of is considered outrageous and totally unacceptable and harshly punished in beautifully developed countries. Continue speaking up and report this man. Since you are still very young, file a complaint without revealing your identity to protect yourself. You are my hero of the month.

buknija:
All in all, he was calm, begged and asked me to forgive her, laid rules and promised she will never do such again, my mother too alligned and that was the end. From then till now, no issue of weapon though we still have numerous issues. Not until some days ago when something came up, i gave her the silent treatment since i figured she was raging, in order to get me to talk, she used my ailment to make gest of me, i got angry and pulled her clothe to tell her that, no matter what, you dont use peoples ailment to form abusive attack or to attract cheap attention, she was with a biro, and was pointing that biro towards me like she was going to pluck out my eye, that gave me a resounding reminder that, one day something heated might just make this woman end my life one day, am thinking of fleeing away when my kids are about the age I can feel comfortable doing that,since them no want make i divorce am. Am still sort of living in the fear of the unknown, maybe one day she'll just end me.

Dear buknija,
it seems to me that you have already made up your mind about leaving your wife and the reason why you are still around are your children. I am glad you consider them in your decision making because trust me they suffer in this home and from the effects of the dysfunctional marriage. Even though it is the best for children to grow up in a loving home, the effects of a dysfunctional marriage can be worse than divorce. This is not me telling you to leave because there maybe still is a chance to save this marriage but I am not sure whether you still consider this option even remotely because from your write-up it appears that the two of you have become each other's enemies. If you think deeply and remember any good times, is there any little spark of love left for your wife? The answer to this question should determine your future decisions.

Now to the bold:
Silent treatment is considered a form of psychological abuse. You have correctly understood that your wife was desperate for attention, possibly resolution of the conflict. Have you considered that you have taken the silent treatment too far? How is silent treatment a solution at all? A mature one for that matter? I understand sometimes we need some time to cool off but too much of it is poison. There is a thin line between time to calm to down and silent treatment with the latter being poisonous. It is a passive aggressive way to deal with someone and cruel. Your wife was feeling helpless and relapsed into her old ways but consider that she has successfully avoided any attacks for 3,5 years. She deserves some credit, don't you think? Her outburst at the eatery appears to be a sign of madness but correct me if I am wrong, have you not ever given her reasons not to trust you? I don't want to find excuses for her. She has no right to attack you with a knife or whatever sharp tool whatsoever but I am trying to understand what drives her so that you can find a way for you and your children to avoid such incidents entirely. She needs your help and you need to take responsibility for this mess too. Nowhere in the write-up have you told us how you failed as the husband. Don't tell us but be honest with yourself in order to find ways, if not to save your marriage, to save your children's childhoods and to create a more peaceful environment for them.

lawanson2k3:
What of in the situation whereby the environment the child is living I'd not conducive for her. They are like 8 people living in a shop owned by her grandfather, the grand parent, like 4 of their siblings, and like 3 grand children. The shop was demarcated, a portion is being used by the grandfather as tailoring shop , they are occupying the other half. Even the apartment doesn't have TV or DVD, they go to neighbours house to watch TV. I'm not cool with this, cos I feel the little girl can be a victim of sexual abuse. I'm confused right now. Pls I need your contributions.

Dear Lawanson2k3,
I am happy to read you love your daughter and want to take care of her. She is a lucky girl to have a father who loves her so much. I also understand that you are worried and that you want the best for her. This is why you must be honest with yourself and ask if taking her away from her mother is in her best interest. Whatever went wrong with you and her mother must not interfere with your parental responsibilities. Ask yourself if the two of you can take care of the child together even though you are no longer in a relationship. Understand that a child needs both parents and unless her mother does not abuse her or cause her any harm whatsoever, it is is wrong to deprive your child of her mother's love and care. Many parents have shared custody and though things did not work out between them, they do a great job at co-parenting. You mentioned that the environment she is raised in right now is poor. Poverty in itself is not a reason to take a child away from their parents. If that was so many children would have to leave their parents. But I do understand you want to raise your child in better conditions. Have you discussed it with your ex? What does she think about it? Would she be willing to have your daughter live with you? And have you offered for her to visit the child regularly? If she does not agree to this arrangement, have you got the means to rent a nicer place for mother and child that is in close proximity to where you live so that you can see your girl as much as possible and have her sleep at your place at weekends?

Whatever went wrong with you and her mum understand that most mothers love their children and assume, unless you have good reasons to assume otherwise, that your ex wants the best for your child too. Why don't you trust her with the child? This is the person you once loved, didn't you? It is not an easy situation so make the best out of it and for the sake of your child try to maintain a cordial relationship with her mother. That's the least you can do. I pray her mother is mature enough to understand that the child needs her father too and lets you be a part of your daughter's life. I wish you and your little sweetheart the best.

The life of a loved one that was saved. It is a miracle and I will forever be grateful. I am sad this year is ending. It was miraculous but I am embracing 2020 for more miracles to happen in all our lives.

juiicii:
I married last year. My wife is a choleric just like myself.she is the type that will not tolerate mistakes from me, if i don't keep things in their position, then hell will let loose,she hardly 'respects' me, she behaves independently and when i threaten divorce, she will say i should do it fast, because of her attitude i hardly give her money, when she demands for money, i will ask her, what of your salary, she will tell me that its my responsibility to give her money for somethings irrespective of her personal earnings. Meanwhile she never brings any money on the table for the family upkeep, i foot the bills :rentage,food,nepa, etc. I stopped buying clothes, etc for her since she put up those attitudes that piss me off. Infact i just don't love her again, we argue a lot except i just lock myself up in one room which is my new method now. Pls experienced advice needed

My dear,
what you experience in your marriage is very normal. What nobody has probably ever told you is that marriage is very hard but let me assure you, it is worth it. There will be ebbs and flows but it is ok. You will learn your lessons and you will grow individually and as a couple. What you are experiencing at the moment is what many, if not most, newly weds experience, the early bumps of marriage during the adjusting phase. I am glad to hear that you used to love each other and I am sure you can go back to loving each other but you must be determined to make this marriage work, never mention divorce again and stop blaming your wife because this blame game will further distance you from one another. Now what I understand is that the two of you are hot-tempered. Make the resolution to avoid any discussions when you feel angry. Take a walk before you let it out in your home or go to your room like you are doing. Don't contaminate your home with hurtful words. It is toxic. You have intuitively chosen the right strategy to diffuse the situation by retreating but don't spend more time in your room than necessary. Calm down and discuss whatever needs to be addressed from a place of calmness. the moment she raises her voice or chooses to address you inappropriately, retreat. Don't allow her to talk you anyhow. She will learn quickly to choose her words wisely. Always remember that you are not winning when she is losing and she ain't winning when you are losing so don't talk to be right but to understand and be understood. Secondly, forget about your privilege to be respected. She should respect you, yes, but respect is earned. Once she notices that you keep your calm under stress she will look up to you and try to do the same. Your positive approach and energy must become dominant. Be the Lord of yourself and you will become hers. The ability to keep our emotions in check is one of the things that makes people respect us. Lead by example, work on it, be better than you were yesterday. You are your only competition. If orderliness is what is important to her, try to be considerate and don't leave your stuff around. Our different attitudes to organizing our home environment is one of the most common sources of disagreement for couples you see. You don't have to clean every day, just don't leave stuff around and more importantly appreciate her effort to have a clean home. It's her way of making it homely for you two. It is a trait to be valued. She feels you disrespect her efforts and she responds with disrespect. It is not right but it is what it is and if you want to change it, you have to start with yourself. As for the money part, it only shows that you two have not yet reached the phase where you understand yourselves as partners. You two will have to learn that mutual support is one of the most important ingredients to a happy marriage and learning it will take some time. She will have to relearn her cultural conditioning that a man must foot all bills alone and you will have to understand that you do not live in a hotel. Be the change that you want to see in your marriage. Start with yourself and trust that she will follow.

In a few years, you will look back and realize that it was just a phase and if you successfully navigate through it, you will help others to make it through difficult times. Prove to yourself, first and foremost, that you know how to handle difficult situations. Everyone can do it when it is easy. As they say, you don't learn how to sail in calm waters, you master in in stormy waters. The memory of love that you shared should give you the strength that you need to keep going. Be strong! And never forget what you fell in love with. It is still there.