₦airaland Forum

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time, I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?", Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here

The story goes like this:-

Little Johnny!
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade.
My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"



Ms Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks
he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.



Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade."



Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Johnny: Coconut
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Johnny was taking charge.
Johnny: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Johnny: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Johnny: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Johnny: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Johnny: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Johnny: Fire truck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

I feel u Ishmael! we talked too much about this swimming stuff, what I know is that even if u don't know how to swim, u can learn when u join the navy, just like the army, u don't know jack about firearms, but u learn when u join up, abi? Nutter u dey hear me?

I got a mail from them about 2-3 weeks ago, saying they would contact me but I've not heard from them since. I was to take my test in Lagos. I have not still recovered from the money I wasted then, they better make good their promise or,

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach. And the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

hey thanks 4 that Ishmael, I'm assured. As 4 u nutter, though u might have a point, I don't it's everybody in the navy that goes on a ship, it just depends on ur area of specialisation, I mean if u are in administration what the hell do u need a ship 4? U might as well teach everybody in the airforce how to parachute!!!! even people in control towers,

I hope say these tosin guy, no wan use style collect babes e-mail address, there's something not quite right with the advert,

Thank y'all 4 all the info u give out here, I really needed that. For those who say the navy is shit because they pay 40k, I want to ask them, do they have a better altenative. For me I don go pick the form finish! As I dey here 40k is better than nothing and honestly, the navy is not such a bad place to work, the experience and adventure and all other good shit. Problem now is, I don't know how to swim. Do they insist that? The 'militay experts' should advise me on that,

hey Oluchi,
don't know much about these computer stuff. but my friend who happens to be a guru in computer suggests oracle, since it seems the in thing now. everybody (for eg. glo, mtn, v-mobile) seems to be going haywire. The guy is making a lot dough, so I guess he must be right. cheers!!!

hey, like how much do u think the NGO might be paying? For me it's all about the benjies ( in this case the ziks)

Guys, I was supposed to write the guiness test in lagos but it was called off, so we've not written. keep me posted when anything comes up

Abeg Kitaun, make softly dey speak yoruba here, na nairaland be this no be yorubaland. after all na one nigeria be this abi?

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

Hey guys, dis na my 1st posting here, I read biochemistry, wouldn't mind a job in an international NGO or organisation, also a maketing job if the pay is right, am I too greedy?

Oh boy! I wonder if this guys wan give peson job at all 4 this country, all this conditions tire me ooo!!!!