₦airaland Forum

below is why women should not join chat rooms

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that,

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."


* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water
each day, after one year we will have absorbed 1 kilo of the Escherichia
Coli bacteria usually found in feces. In other words, we will have consumed 1 litre of shit.

However, we don't run that risk when we drink beer, whiskey, rum or
other liquors because the creation of alcohol involves a distillation
process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

It is my duty to communicate to all of you who are drinking water
to stop doing so as it has been scientifically proven that it is
unhealthy and therefore bad for you.

Water = Shit
Alcohol = Health

Free yourself of shit, drink alcohol!!!

It's better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be
full of shit!

I got the info too, but from what i understand, U don't have to take your CV there in person. U can post it too. They even included a p.o. box. The full address is:
AJsilicon,
Terrace 1D pine drive
Inside MKO Abiola Gardens, Alausa Ikeja
P.O. Box 13292,
Ikeja Lagos
P.S. Guys don't forget to send one of your passport photos with your CV.

Nunu my sister, i dey hail o! I just tire for some people here! I visit this job sections because I 'm anxious to get info on job vacancies. Then what do I get? Some dumb head calling herself (why do I keep thinking she must be a girl?) Duttybarb comes here to yak all sorts of nonsense. Everytime she opens her mouth she writes an encyclopaedia! We're not interested in her views again.

aving monitore this duttybarbfor some time, I have come to a conclusion, I think he's(she's) got a complex. She's got this tick about getting noticed, makes u wonder, maybe she was neglected during her childhood and is trying to play catch-up here. Good luck to her! Again, if she's such a bomb like she wants us to believe, how come she's not gotten a job? I wonder

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.

The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered.

"But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

I saw the advert myself. They had openings for so many positions. They stated that u have to specify the particular position u are applying for. Unfortunately I had already sent my application by then, and i didn't specify any position. Well, let's keep our fingers crossed. Most of the positions needed experienced personnel, still u never know, don't let it discourage you peeps!!

wow! never knew we had this number of Enugu guys on this forum. Nice to know sha! Well, we could use this thread to keep in touch with each other, and if u want to hook up with anyone, this is the place to be guys! Still representin' coal city till I die!!!!

Guys, why are u getting emotional. The guy's name said it all, a dunce!!!! Let him be. There is an igbo saying that goes thus "A mad man says people call him mad b'cos everyime he wants to say something another thing enters his mouth". Need I say more?

Just stumbled on this topic and wondering if I could use it to connect with peeps from Enugu and its sorroundings. Being a babe will be an added advantage. Holla me if u r interested. My e-mail is on my profile.

U know guys like this, when u reply them, ultimately u have fallen into their traps. Someone says she doesn't read threads like this. Well she sent a reply which means she read it! The trick is don't even read it or if u read it don't bother replying. I guess that goes 4 me too!!!!

Hey Chyst, tell me did u attend the test? I got the e-mail too inviting 4 the test. The test came in on 9th August, the test proper was on 10th August. Na wa o!!! How the hell did they expect me to attend it? Nigeria we hail thee!!! Anyway sha, I didn't attend, I learnt my lesson the 1st time!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Actual Answering Machine Messages.
*My wife and i can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

*This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name and your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

*Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is john's refrigerator. Speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

*Hi. Now YOU say something.

*Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, its you.

*Hello!If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
*My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE-"If you're going to kill each other do it outside-I just finished cleaning."

*My mother taught me RELIGION-"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

*My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL-"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to kick you into the middle of next week."

*My mother taught me LOGIC-"Because I said so, that's why."

*My mother taught me FORESIGHT-"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case your in an accident."

*My mother taught me IRONY-"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

*My mother taught me OSMOSIS-"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

*My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM-"Will you look at the dirt on the back on your neck!"

*My mother taught me STAMINA-"You'll sit there till all that spinach is finished."

*My mother taught me about WEATHER-"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

*My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS-"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming towards you; would you then listen."

*My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY-"If I've told you once I've told you a million times-Don't Exaggerate!!!"

*My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE-" I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

*My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION-"Stop acting like your father."

*My mother taught me about ENVY-"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

THANKS, MUM!

I really could trade words with u all day, if I want to, but having thought of it,i've decided it's not worth it. i don pass dat level. All need now is a good job, ok? So maybe u could help me with some info, instead of bickering every day here, we're both matured people (at least I think so). Enjoy!

Emma so u no the guy The guys really dey in a hurry, i no blame am. Na so e dey be

Guys sorry to disappoint, but as I was passing this afternoon in front of oceanic bank, enugu, I saw plenty of people waiting 4 the test so it's like the test is 2day actually. Fo real, those oceanic bank people they really keep info to themselves, u go nearly think say them be CIA!!!! Na wa o!!!

You are right man, I didn't write the test myself but my guy that did was told to come and collect his employment letter on monday. So guys, if u went 4 the inteview be on the alert! Also congrats to all the peeps that made it, make una no forget us o!!

I hear u nunu, don't know if I can read, but my primary school teachers definitely thought I could. Attention? Who's talking of attention, I have enough to last me a lifetime. So, sorry to disappoint, I'm not looking 4 attention.

Hey spontane, did u write in lagos? It's important to know, because I know some people later wrote in Abuja after the cancellation. Guinness said they would contact us 4 a new date and venue, up till now i've not heard anything.

tell u what? If Nzeribe's the next victim, it's not going to be a big loss, infact it's a blessing in disguise. Having said that i think it's a total disgrace for the nation on this development. I strongly condemn it! Goes to show u the amount of money flowing up there in the government, for someone to be desperate enough to kill another! Shame on us!

Let me make something clear to everybody here now, if u go to any bank, any bank at all to submit your cv, they usually collect it and keep. It does not necessarily mean they are recruiting immediately. They might consider u eventually when they start recruiting, or they might ask 4 fresh submission of cv. i'm saying this so u would not get up ur hopes every time a bank collects ur cv. Don't want to squash ur hopes, but that's reality. Even now in Enugu, skye bank is still collecting CVs.

Abakinola, let me tell u this, a bird in hand is worth more than a thousand in the bush. U better grab the offer with both gloves, unless u have a better offer. And of course the experience looks good in ur CV. So don't take it too hard, U have to count one before u count two. Na the way wey naija dey, u can still be what u want to be(like MTN), alll u need is a little patience.

Nairaland members, these are bad times and I'm afraid some people are trying to take advantage. That e-mail is definitely suspicious, don't send anything to it, u've been warned!!!

4 all u guys going 4 the NBplc test, just want to wish u luck, hope it doesn't turn out to be another guinness!!!!

Thanks Christino, u did right and we are not trying to blame u, ok? Just being cautious a bit. Keep on keeping on!!

Thanks Dearie, I would have chosen benin, but I knew nobody there, in case it gets late and I couldn't go back the same day, that would mean a hotel, and spending more money, well like u said it's one of those things, we'll survive!

Ishmael, don't mention, love u guys, even nutter!! We are gonna get to the top one day, whether they like it or not!!!