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You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

10 Ten Reasons it sucks to be a dick

1. You've got a hole in your head.

2. Your master strangles you all the time.

3. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.

4. You shrink in cold water.

5. You never get a haircut.

6. You always hang around with 2 nuts.

7. Your closest neighbor is an a**hole.

8. Your best friend is a pussy.

9. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

10. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: Female impersonator.

"Is this seat empty?"
"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

"So, wanna go back to my place?"
"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

"I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
"It's in the phone book."
"But I don't know your name."
"That's in the phone book too."

"What sign were you born under?"
"No Parking."

"I know how to please a woman."
"Then please leave me alone."

"Haven't we met before?"
"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

"I want to give myself to you."
"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

"I can tell that you want me."
"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you, to leave."

"Hey, baby, What's your sign?"
"Stop."

"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"May I see you pretty soon?"
"Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

"Your body is like a temple."
"Sorry, there are no services today."

"I'd go through anything for you."
"Good! Let's start with your bank account."

"I would go to the end of the world for you."
"Yes, but would you stay there?"


"Your place or mine?"
"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

After hearing a pickup line:
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

If you are looking at a girl and she says "What are you looking at?"
say "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."

He: Would you like to dance?
She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.

He: Do you wanna dance?
She: Yeah but not with you!
He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

Q: Does beauty run in your family?
A: It obviously doesn't in yours!

Q: What's your name sexy?
A: Taken!

Q: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
A: Yeah, but this time don't stop!

Q: I think you're the best looking girl in here.
A: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!

He: Your legs go clear up to your a**.
She: Most peoples' do!

Q: Can I buy you a drink?
A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!

"You look like a dream."
Response: "Go back to sleep."

He: What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
She: What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

"I can see forever in your eyes."
Response: "But all I can see is never in yours."

"I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."
Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."

A man wen to the psychiatrist's and the following conversation ensued:

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Man: Nothing except that my wife thinks I should come here because I like cotton socks

Psychiatrist: That's not bad. Lots of people like cotton socks. I know I do myself

Man: Really? That's nice. How do you like yours? With ketchup or vinegar?

:d :d :d ;d

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time, I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?", Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here

Abeg see me see wahala o!!!

@ Stellose,

Why are you panicking already? That recent Diamond bank advert is to expire on 23rd January, 2007. It's still 13th so how could they start calling up when the deadline has not expired? Maybe the guy wants to know ahead of time so he could get ready. Give him a break for God's sake!

People sorry about the wrong info I gave before.

@Nunu,
Happy New year to you too hon, and thanks for that info!

people the correct website is www.diamondbankplc.com I want to know if we can disregard th earlier applications we did before and do a fresh application.

Bail out son, before you get HIV/AIDS!!!!!

Virgins? who needs them? The job could get messy, you know. I much prefer other guys to do the job before I move in!

It depends on what your guy is like. You might want to get him things like an electric shaver, or shaving kit or a nice shirt. Just make sure it's something masculine for God's sake! Some guys don't like perfumes. Frankly speaking though, I wouldn't mind getting th gift Ikamefa suggested!

@ Mygodoh,

you are making my mouth water with your yarns!

Laxist, you are not invited why do you need the info? you wan go spoil show for others? you no go mind your business?

who doesn't need a good paying job here. As if we are yakking here 4 the sake of yakking.

Thank you Jenny for giving us the details. I wish others here would take a cue from you and know that it's not enough just yakking off their heads here. They have to give us details on requirements/application procedure so that people will not make mistakes when applying. We are grown-ups here so let's do the right thing. I'm saying this because I already applied for Technical trainee instead of production controller which I'm more suited to apply for. If i got the full details I wouldn't have done so. Moreover, i didn't even include the reference of the job position and we know that sometimes these small things make a huge difference. So once again i say, let's DO THE RIGHT THING PLEASE!

Guys I got this mailfrom somebody. Does anyone have more details concerning this?


UAC Foods is recruiting.
Positions include: Technical Trainees, Production Controller, Chief
Security Officer and Customer Service Executives.

See Guardian of 5th December for more details.

Anyone with info, please holla!!

Diamond has been collecting CVs for about 2 months now. They are yet to do anything about the ones they've collected. Is this a fresh demand for CVs? What of people that applied 2 months ago, should they re-apply? Is it compulsory to use fresh graduate as reference no.? I used some other numbers for my reference. Please if anyone has answers to this questions he/she should advise us.

I tire O!!!!!!

hey Funnade, thanks for replying so fast. You are the bomb!

Mede thanks 4 ur info. We appreciate. But if I may ask, could you furnish me with details of requirements as regards grade of degree result and age limit if any, thanks.

Dammy's question is in order. Dammy I believe skye bank, diamond bank, maybe first bank are collecting Cvs right now. I believe their websites are www.skyebank.com, www.diamondbankplc.com, I don't know first bank's website but u could get it through a seach engine like google. Cheers!

For those of you witing the FCMB test, their fomat is usually diagramatic sequence with a few inclusions of arithemetic progession and synonyms. It's fairly easy if you know your G-mat. Someone said there are no crowds in the east, that is a misconception! Better be ready to reap the whirlwind!

Hey i submitted mine too, about a month ago, I hope it's still valid though and I don't need to submit another. However, for my reference I made up a reference number, and i went! Maybe you should do the same too.

Hey Guys check out this; it could be for you!



Well Site Geologist
http://www.inter- log.com/careers_ employment. html

Employer : International Logging, Inc
Experience : 3+ Years
Education: B.sc Geology


Job Description
Predicts and interprets well behavior, analyze rock cuttings, identify casing depth, follow up and quality control of the Mud logging, Wireline logging and LWD operations.

Interact with the company man and rig crew for smooth and safe operations.

Minumum experience 3 years.
Should be graduate in Geology with international exposure in one or more of the areas as mentioned.
Should be fluent in English both written and spoken and computer skilled, knowledge of Winlog and/or Geo for Windows is a plus
Medical and offshore certifications could be required

INTERNATIONAL Logging Inc. is seeking individuals who:


• Hold a Bachelor of Science degree in Geology, Geophysics, or Petroleum Engineering.
• Are dedicated and hardworking, and have good problem solving skills.
• Are willing to travel and/or relocate, and possibly work in remote regions without supervision.
• Have strong computer and technical aptitudes.
• Are willing to dedicate themselves to providing the best service for our clients.
Jobs at International Logging, Inc. are physically and mentally demanding. If you think you would be suitable for this type of employment and possess the above skills, please download the application form and email to: careers@inter- log.com

JESUS!!!!! Salsera told you guys that this post was done in June, and everybody is still busy hollering for the attachment to be sent to his/her box. Are you guys so frustrated that you are blind as well? I even told u guys the current opportunities available in Oando but nobody is looking at that. You all seem fixated on getting an outdated job opening sent to your box. Oh well!

Guys I got this info from a friend concerning Oando Plc. I believe it might be what you are looking for:

OANDO PLC

Sector: Oil & GasPosition/ Qualification/ Experience: (1) Internal control Manager (Ref: O&G 101); Candidates must possess a first degree in either accounting, finance, Economics or any other related area. A professional certification will be an added advantage.6 to 10 years experience is needed-with 4 years in a managerial position.(2) Finance Manager (Ref: O & G 102): First degree in accounting, finance, Economics or any other related area. Candidate must possess an ACA or any other relevant certification. & years experience as a financial controller is needed. (3) Investors Relations Officer (Ref: O & G 103): A first degree in economics, Business Administration or any other related area. An MBA will be an added advantage.5 to 6 years experience with a reputable organization is needed. Contact: Send CV using Microsoft word, quoting the relevant Job reference number to: Oil&Gasvacancy@oandoplc .com

Closing Date: 24th October 2006

Hi Omo baby,
Nice to see you, I'm ok now. How's kaduna 2day?