₦airaland Forum

maikbanj:
Good morning dear Nairalanders,

Thank you for being there in the past with your timely advise(s). I am here again just to get some more on a case.

I have a girlfriend which I plan getting married to as both families are all involved. My girlfriend has had a bad past. She was once abused and all but then I was able to help shape her when I got into her life. I have been there for her in my own little way but lately, she has not been behaving too well and I am not happy about that fact.I will itemize these:

1. She once borrowed her friend her school fees to rent an apartment with the promise the friend was going to pay her back before exams started. Her friend failed to pay her back and I had to provide her with the money in order not to miss her exams. Note, the said friend is a female.

2. Second semester, her pops gave her school fees which I saw the alert. Yea,she travelled down to see me from Lag and she spent some but then I told her she would not have spent her school fees to come see me. Infact at that time I never knew she was going to come because I was sick but she did. So I told her not to touch her school fees again that I was going to refund her the money. She left and I refunded. I paid her flight back to Lagos.

I later found out my girlfriend didn’t pay that school fees. She spent it and when it was time to pay she kept complaining. I was mad at her wondering what she must have used it for. I scolded her and gave her part of the money.(N100k)

3. I have paid several debts for her as she made some mistakes in her online business and was swindled. The most recent one now, she went to get loans from apps online. I don’t even know what would have made her do that as I try assist her when she’s in need. I have warned her severally against borrowing but she went to borrow and now she’s into debt.

I have asked what she used the money for but she can’t even point to one thing. She said she used the initial loan for her personal needs and when she couldn’t pay back, she had to borrow from another app to pay and all. That’s how she kept borrowing to pay another till she borrowed from over 15 loan apps and her debt is running into 350k as at today.

I honestly can’t pay such an amount as I have my own personal problems to carry. I was mad because in the past I have warned her against borrowing and all. Now she’s in trouble and they’ve been threatening her to pay back.

I have told her I don’t have such monies to pay back and even if I had I won’t pay back. I have advised she talk to her parents and siblings about it but she has been scared. I have that money but I can’t pay back as I have more pressing needs to attend to. Since she has refused to tell her parents, I am thinking of telling her parents. I am very close to her family.

This is someone I wanna get married to but with all I’m seeing, I am already having doubts.

She’s from a very good home. Deep down, I love her and she does too. But why these problems, I don’t understand.

Please I seek your advice on how to handle this as I can’t pay such debts. I have done several in the past

Thanks

Obviously your wife-to-be needs help. I think she’s reckless with money and doesn’t have control over borrowing? It’s most likely that she loves to have money in her hand always even when she doesn’t have need of it. My friend, I was like your girl. In fact I had more issues than her but i really took time and God’s grace to get myself out. Today I feel free. I think u need to sit with her and carve our strategies for her to repay her debts. Then ensure that she increases her earning power. Let her make a strong conscious effort to change her mindset and then let her pray for Gods mercy. She needs that except if she wants to head to self destruction. I wish I could write more but I wish you guys the best.

Pearl1212:
I'm confused.
I'm 23years of age, I have HND in statistics (Distinction), done with NYSC program, I want to further my studies but I'm really confused what to do,

1. I don't know whether to opt in for PGD or BSC(Through Direct Entry).

2. I don't know if I should switch course, from statistics to accounting via Direct Entry and I don't know if HND statistics will be accepted into accounting.
Please I seriously need your opinion and advise on it.

Let me start by congratulating you for graduating with distinction. Secondly, it is good that you are setting sight on progressing academically. there are two side to your future; studying in Nigeria or abroad. if you intend to study in Nigeria then go for a Bsc dont consider PGD, it will hunt you later in the future. But if you intend to study abroad then you can write GRE and apply to any university in the USA, that will guarantee you straignt admission for Msc. I also did HND and currently on PhD. the choice is yours.

A quick question please?
1. When did she start showing you signs that she isn’t interested in the marriage?
2. Doesn’t she look alright , I mean does she look normal when conversing?
3. Have you heard of Postpartum depression?
I can only advise if you can answer these three questions clearly.

InsideLife2022:
I have been an active member on this forum for the past eight years. I just created this account to bring this issue to limelight. Good evening gentlemen and ladies. I got married in late 2020. God being merciful, we are blessed with a baby of 5 months. My wife has been giving me attitudes of recent. I have tried to find out what the problem has been, she is not saying anything tangible. I am being confused and depressed. I have been begging her to come back to join me after delivery. She keeps traumazing me emotionally. She just told me our marriage is over. She couldn't say what the problem is.

She has not been taking care of the baby. She was medically advised to stop breastfeeding our baby permanently. Is not that she breastfeeds our baby. My mother in-law and sisters in-law have been complaining about her lack of motherly treats.

They told me she doesn't even know how to take care of the baby. They cannot allow my child to be in her custody because she can't take care of the baby as a mother. She has fought her mother for asking her to leave her house to join her husband. Every member of her family has been asking her what the problem is. She keeps telling them to come and marry me that it's over between us.

I haven't told any of my family members or my friends of what is going on in my marriage. I am a kind of person that do not like involving a third party in my new marriage of lest than two years.

Her family has never supported her actions. Her mom and her siblings have been asking me to come take my wife and baby. But, my wife is not ready to join me. It has been a serious issues in her family house each time they push her to go meet her husband.

Her family has ask me to come with some soldiers or the police to come carry my baby and leave her since she claims she is no longer interested in any marriage. I have been trying my best to make sure my wife never lacked anything during her pregnancy and even after delivery.

My in-laws have been very supportive and good to me. I know they have never and will not support her for her wrong actions and behaviors. My challenge is, my baby is just 5 months and I don't want to take the baby to my parents because of the questions people around will be asking. I don't want to be seen as someone who is separated from his wife. I hate divorce with passion. My wife does not have any concrete reason why she decides to stay off our marriage.

Her family is fully in support of my next actions of going to take my baby. Now, the question is this; is it advisable to keep the baby with me while I employ a nanny to raise the baby with me?

Please and please I need mature and sensible advise.

Cc: RoyalRoy

I want this thread to be moved to the right and appropriate section. Thank you!

No sin is punishable by death in Christianity. The Bible said “blasphemy against the Holy Spirit shall not be forgiven”. It doesn’t not meant that the blasphemer should be killed by men. Only God has the power to kill or forgive anyone. A critical example is seen when Jesus was attacked by bandits of people before his arrest and execution. One of his disciple took sword and cut off malchus’ ear(the chief priest’s servant) but Jesus immediately stopped him. Christ then uttered the life changing statement. “ Put thy Sword down, for those who live by the sword shall die by the sword”. That pregnant moment places a demand of all Christ followers not to kill in the name of anyone and in whatsoever situation. Quite frankly, Christ brought grace and He never allowed his followers then to be brutal. So Mr. Jamil, that verse doesn’t give permission for murder. It only warns people of the fact that God doesn’t forgive blasphemy against The Holy Spirit.

There’s a thin line between these people and terrorist. The reason why terrorism strives in the north. The same people cry to God for protection against killings by bandits are same people killing others. The north was built on blood and blood will continue to flow there. I can guarantee you all that nothing will happen to this people. They will be released, any politician that stands against them will never win election.( tthe reason Atiku retracted his statement). This is there life and no force on earth can stop that unless they find Christ. May God help us.

Note:
No Christian should fight back. Jesus Christ doesn’t support violence or murder. If you fight back what makes you different from them? To practice Christianity is to abide by Christ rules anything short of that is practicing other religion.

Niece:
Captain Jamil Abubakar, a son-in-law of Africa’s richest man, Aliko Dangote, has justified the killing of blasphemers.

Jamil, an experienced pilot and the President of the JMD Foundation, a non-profit organization, stated this in a Friday night tweet.

Jamil, who is the son of former Inspector-General of Police Mohammed Abubakar, made the remarks in the aftermath of the death of Deborah Samuel, a student in Sokoto State who was killed by her classmates for allegedly blaspheming Prophet Muhammad.

The pilot said that blasphemy is frowned upon by all religions and urged people to respect the beliefs of others.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CdiM5InIG2h/

He tweeted,
https://twitter.com/CaptJamyl/status/1525218874303684609

Klass99:
I appreciate your honesty and you sharing your reality like this.

Did you know about the rape incident prior to marriage? You don't have to answer, if you don't want to.

I'm just thinking out loud with this, if she could make love with you for the sake of pregnancy and kids, why can't she do so for the intimacy and bonding opportunity?

I don't imagine you are rough or violent like a rapist would be, but I am in no way belittling her childhood experience or trauma.

That she gave you her blessings to go ahead and have a sidechic is astounding on its own. She may care for you in a weird sort of way, but I applaud you 190% for the self control and self discipline you've exercised. It's a rare feat and quality, seven blessings you.

Thank you for this. And yes she did tell me casually, but I thought it wasn’t too bad. So I thought since I’m not a sex addict I would eventually be cool with it. We discuss it and she said it wouldn’t affect us but it has really done damage to my head…..I’ve recovered from it. Honestly I’m not happy but I tried to pursue joy just to be strong for the kids I brought into this world. And for the discipline? I think God is at work here…..

Kobojunkie:
What your wife needs is mental therapy to help her escape that prison she lives in, not confrontations and even ultimatums. You should probably consider sitting down as a couple together and making a decision for her mental health in this. Make an appointment with a rape counselor and go from there as a couple. With therapy and time, the situation in your marriage might improve for both of you.

Thank you for this, it shows that what I did was right. That reminds me, two years ago after enduring so much, I discussed with her if she could see a therapist but she debunk the idea stating that Nigeria do not have good sex and post rape therapist. I made contacts with good therapist and offered to pay any amount within my ability but she turned it own. After a while I begged her to see them even once and not jump into costly assumptions but she refused. I offered to go with her and support her recovery but she said NO! So my brother, this is my world. Sometimes I feel like running crazy but I give myself full restrain because life is more than all the miseries I’m passing through.

Klass99:
I am not married but I thought it would be nice to read from married women to know or understand why this occurs. It might help some married men self reflect and self correct where needed, if a particular situation applies to them. For example if it's poor hygiene, selfish or poor performance in bed, not providing, etc............ I am just speculating.

I followed Gaggii's thread on this same issue/topic, it was one of the most educating and entertaining threads I have come across on NL. It was delightful to see grown men being candid and vulnerable about their realities. I laughed hard at some comments, shook my head at comments from oversabi and ITK men, who aren't even married and one comment in particular broke my heart. See comment below;



Even though the user is a complete stranger I felt bad reading this, especially the words in bold. I think as women we underestimate how much men would really like to feel appreciated, complimented and loved (even if it's through sex). There were valuable lessons from Gaggii's thread and I appreciate the education in male psychology it provided me. A similar education (in female psychology) from married women, for men, would be appropriate. Let's learn from each other, but, I understand why some women may be reluctant to participate/share. The trolling, bullying and insults on the forum can be something else, especially towards women.

Quite frankly it’s not any of these reasons. Let me be more open here. She told me that she was raped as a child and that affected her psyche. She hates to talk about sex and has been in a kind of self prison. I tried all I could but to no avail. Personally I do not believe in extra marital sex no matter how difficult and starved I am. The funny thing is I confronted her once and told her how terrible I was feeling about living 3 months without sex as a married man. She candidly saw nothing wrong in it and advised me to seek satisfaction outside. She was ready to let me have a sex partner outside on the condition I tell her whenever I am ready to start going out. I have kids and I do not want to bring problems to my kids because I love them very much. I feel as if I just have to carry this cross if not for anything but for my kids. Months have passed without sex and I don’t feel anything. I’ve grown out of the masturbation thing to having no feelings about my wife. We now live like two strangers in one house and she doesn’t see anything wrong in that. Well, some choices affect people to death. On the whole, I have found studying and research as my escape route from immoral thoughts. I get busy and enmeshed into my studies but occasionally I have gals hitting on me and all that but then I’ve decided not to let down on my guard. How long will this go on? I don’t know! How long will I endure? I don’t really know. All I can say is I live for now. If things change, thank God if they don’t? Life goes on

neo25:
Hi all a friend of mine tells me he sees his wife always in dreams with another strange Man like she is married to him and he as the husband would stand by and watch them both like a stranger in that dream.

They both have been married for 10 years now but these dreams have been occurring at least every week since last years November 2021.
Can anyone please advise, both the Spiritual and Physical implications.

This dream has meaning that show that both of them have problems in there sexual life. Both do not enjoy sex together and one of them may be masturbating regularly or cheating on the other. This shows that both do not really have a strong relationship. Please get back to me if that’s true. Thanks

Seems we are in same shoe.
I started masturbating after constant denial of sex from my wife. She always complain of not into sex even after two kids. Sometimes I feel rejected and downcast. I find it difficult to cheat so I resolve to masturbating. Regrettably, Masturbation is quite draining and unhealthy. I am trying to quit, I hope you try to. I really understand how you feel......
and why you do what you do.

Gaggii:
I must confess, the only challenge in my marriage is sex, I was not a masturbator as a bachelor because I have girls around me, if one no come another go show, but as a married man have turned a chronic masturbator because my wife is always complaining that she is tired.

I would gotten a side chick, but I had a second thought because the consequence will affect my home financially.

Am just so fed up.

If you are married and in same shoe, how have you being coping