₦airaland Forum

Designplus, are you married? Am just curious. If you are, what does your wife call you? And if you are not, will you tell whoever you are dating that she must NOT call you by name, once you are married? Will you tell your girlfriend that she had better give you a royal title once she becomes your Mrs.?

Lafem:
That's cool, and you're entitled to your opinion. However, it may NOT ALWAYS be best [as you blanketly put it] to listen them, especially depending on the situation and their motive. Infact, it may sometimes be necessary for parents to be the ones doing the listening. The same God that asked children to honour and obey their parents also asked parents not to abuse their exalted positions, which as we all know, some of them DO! They're human too, and are prone to exercising wrong and poor judgements from time to time. I think in the matter of marriage, we gotta be careful to appraise each situation on a case by case basis, and examine their motive and reasons, before judging whether or not to accept their advice. Fine, as an adult one can hear-out/listen to their view/advice, but the final decision ought to based on the truthfulness and soundness of such advice, because believe it or not, parents don't always know best [note that I said 'ALWAYS', as nobody's 'always' right]. There've been countless instances when some parents chose to selfishly and unjustly withold their consent without sound/just reasons, and consequently caused the couple to elope and marry without it, AND STILL end-up having a successful marriage. You can't tell me that such marriages are invalid or that parental consent guarantees a successful marriage; because at the end of the day it's going to boil down to how willing the couple are to make the marriage work.  It's o.k for you to hold on to your view on this matter, but at least put it in context by considering that some parents may not always have just/good reasons to withold their consent.

Well said, jare. Lafem, that was deep!! You said exactly what I was thinking, but couldn't find the right words to convey!!

You hear some (not all), parents giving excuses like[i], "she is not from our area, "[/i] as if they were the ones that drew the map of Nigeria, or others like "he does not have a master's degree," meanwhile the Bobo get BSc. o! Or another ludicurous one "how rich are his people? Can he afford to take care of you?" forgetting that it is the Almighty God that blesses people with wealth. The fact that a man has money today, does not mean he will not have any, tomorrow & vice versa.

Seun:
If that was true, then hell would not exist. Unless the Loving Lord actually wants people to go to hell.

I don't believe the Lord actually wants people to go to hell, if we go by the Scriptures, He obviously respects human free-will, even though He is Sovereign. But then, this is not a religious discussion.

I just wanted to share this excerpt from another website with people on this forum:

Kenn1: My experience has been educative and wholesome in its entirety.

When I started off with my wife-to-be, we were both students at the Faculty of Law, University of Lagos. It was a relationship that her mother was prepared to do everything and indeed she tried everything to stop. Some of the things she did, I can't begin to list here on a public messageboard. Her grouses are many. There were ethnic-related concerns (she's Yoruba; I'm Ukwuani); there were attitudinal concerns (but she hardly knew me and didn't make it possible for us to even get to know each other); there were wider family pressures, in fact, all sorts. She did everything humanly possible (some very inhuman against her own daughter) to stop the relationship.

And for seven years, she succeeded. But what God has ordained, no one can stop. To cut a long story short, we got married seven years after she thought she'd silenced me for good. So, one can only imagine her shock and horror when her daughter finally told her we're getting married. When I went to tell her, she refused to see me! From then up to the wedding day, they put the worst kind of pressures imaginable on her daughter to cancel the wedding! The extent they went can only be seen or experienced to be believed.

After the marriage, they continued. But in all this period, my wife cut off relationship with her mum, but the other family members, some of who knew me before and some who have come to know me by then were coming and going from our home without stress. But none had any influence with the mum. In fact, most were coming to us in hiding. But in all this, I kept telling my wife and her brothers that cutting off the mum was totally unacceptable. I made them see things from her perspective. My wife is her only daughter; they had a different upbringing from us; she can't imagine her daughter marrying a non-Yoruba; she thinks I'm disrespectful (another way of saying I'm not malleable); she spent a lot of her time and money looking after them and educating them essentially as a lone parent; she's prone to mistakes, but in all, she's not a bad woman. All she's doing is trying to protect her own. I told them not to judge her on the basis of what they know of me, but on the basis of what she didn't know about me.

They didn't understand how I could even talk this way after all she's put me through. But they respect me and understood the point I was making, which was that they must continue to honour their mum. Parents don't believe they can make mistakes or can be wrong; sometimes, as in my case, we have to humour them to an extent, but without losing our principles. I made them understand that it is important to keep the mother-children relationship going, no matter what she feels about me or what they feel about her.

We didn't need any family to sort out anything in the long run. After about two years of marriage, on the eve of my wife's birthday party, I just picked up the phone and called her (she was in London). I invited her to the birthday and jocularly told her nothing would happen unless she comes. I then sent my wife's brothers to go fetch her. She came. We just started talking. I didn't push anything. I just made myself easier for her to know and understand. Today, I'm her best in-law, a great son; her biggest confidant and the bridge between her and her children and indeed to other members of the family. She cannot come abroad and stay anywhere else but my home (and all her children are here!) and when I'm in Nigeria she dots over me from morning till night wherever I am. Today, she's looking forward to when she'd retire and come and play granny proper with the children. I hugely respect her, love her like my own mother, enjoy her company immensely and miss her like I miss my mum! We have spoken today, for instance. And what were we talking about? The new shoes she bought!

Patience and perseverance does a lot of magic. But you must give each other an opportunity to know each other first before passing judgment; otherwise, a lot of damage can result. I thank God for what He's done in my situation, because I have a wife I absolutely love and adore and who is treated like a queen throughout my family and her own. We consider our family blessed and under God's protection in every way. I couldn't have asked God for a better wife or better mother-in-law, but in the beginning, it was impossible to envisage this great outcome.

So, as I said, there's no use stereotyping, because every case is personal and can only be determined on their peculiar  facts. We could as well turn this topic into a discussion of monster sons-in-law, but of what use would that be? How enlightening would that be
CHEERS!

The whole story can be found at this link:
[U]http://www.nigeriavillagesquare.com/board/article-comments/20193-african-mother-laws-cycle-abuse-7.html[/U]

Hotstepper:
well it is very unforunate, I don't know how it is in Yoruba land but in igbo per se, the family is very vital in marriage, It is like you are marring the whole family both da extended ones, pray harder

It is the same. I've lived in the South-west of Nigeria for many years, and in Yoruba land, you do NOT just marry the man, you also "marry" the whole family, as well, both the immediate & extended one. As a wife, you are expected to show utmost respect to your in-laws. In some communities, the wife is not even allowed to call her husband's sibling by their first name. She is expected to call them Aunty or Uncle or some kind of title, in order to show them utmost respect.

My advice to the guy? Pray, and show your girl utmost care, love & devotion. Some folks may want to tell her negative things about you & your tribe. It is only the assurance of your love & good conduct, that will give her the boldness to stay in that relationship with you & will give her an answer to the detractors.

VESTA:
I believe love is patience, but she is trying to prove me wrong, hence my latest worry. She know I do not, and have never chased women arround. And the circumstances of the beginning of our relationship is best known to her.

Now, I am planning to marry her if she is TRUELY for me, or I would remain SINGLE, but a nice FATHER to my babies. Afterall, I deserve more strict measures for losing my self control which I have kept SINCE BIRTH.

You believe love is patient, wait o, how patient do you want her to continue to be? She has already been patient for over twelve months!! Do you want her to continue being 'patient' until the twins start walking? Na wah o! Patience is a quality that can run out o,

Poiseivy:
I'm in a position where this situation is happening to me. I'm an igbo lady who has found love with a yoruba man and we have been together for more than 5 years. My father has met him on some ocassions and really likes him, but will not allow me to get married to him because he is a yoruba. I thought he would understand as his relationship to my mother (igbo) ended in separation, and me not having seen her for more than 10 years before she sadly passed away. He doesn't want me to get married to any yoruba man because he thinks it will not last. But this is not acceptable to me, because I feel he is just being selfish that he cannot give me a valid reason. But I know if I do get married without his blessing, he and his family will disown me. On the other hand, if I listen to my father, I will never be happy and out of spite I will not marry, because all he wants is for me to get married to an igbo man in which he prefers. I might as well have an arranged marriage!

Is the guy's "tribe" the only reason why your father won't allow you to marry him? Or are there other deeper reasons? Do you feel comfortable with the guy's culture? Are you both willing to work at your relationship, and make it perfect? Do you believe in your heart of hearts, that he is the one for you? Most importantly, do you have peace within,when you are with him? Does your spirit agree with his own & has the good Lord confirmed it to you? If the answers are "YES", then go on your knees & pray hard.

What do the Scriptures say? "The hearts of the kings & princes are in the hands of the Lord & He turns it whichever way He wills, " Obi Ekwueme, the first son of  former vice-president Chief Alex Ekwueme had the same problem, when he wanted to marry a Yoruba girl. The girl was so afraid of her parent's reaction. The guy told her calmly "If this relationship is of God, then it will stand, let's fast & pray." By the time they both announced to their parents that they were getting married, both parties took it without fuss. And the rest as they say, is history.

JustGood:
proverbs 13

10. Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.

Those who claim to be 'well-advised' must also ask for the spirit of discernment & understanding, because advice can come from different sources & can take any form, shape, size or content.

Some of the advice (even though they carry good intentions), may turn out to be hopelessly wrong, or unsuitable.

allonym:
Are you seriously trying to suggest that there is some alternate explanation for what happened. That they were not really committing adultery? Perhaps if I knew the full story I would feel sorry for them and not judge so harshly? Death row criminals try it all the time. They were abused by their parents as children. Nobody every loved them. It doesn't matter. As an adult, you are held responsible for your actions unless it can be definitely proven that you were or are insane.

My post was not meant to declare who was 'right' or who was 'wrong'. Neither was it meant to be a fault-finding, moralistic treatise. I leave that to the priests. And to human conscience. My post was just to highlight the fact, that decisions which concern matters of the heart, should not be based on tribal lines. Such decisions hardly ever fall into neatly demarcated compartments of 'do's' & 'don'ts.', no matter how much we would like them to do so. Period.

How would you feel, if someone told you that you were just not good enough for their son, simply because you came from another 'tribe?'

There have been cases where parents have frowned at the choice of their offspring. But in the years to come, after studying the spouse of their children, or after subjecting their prospective son or daughter-in-law to close scrutiny, they end up changing their minds, or may shelve their initial objections & give their consent to the wedding.

In some cases, after grandchildren enter the picture, they become more amenable to their children's spouses.

Unfortunately, most young people do not take out time to convince their parents respectfully, on why they have chosen a particular person. They either chicken out & meekly do a U-turn to fall in line with their parent's wishes, or take a hardline stance & draw the battle line with their parents, by giving them an ultimatum. The latter approach hardly ever works out well. It breeds resentment & disrespect down the line.

But if efforts to appeal for the parents' understanding, are made with decorum & respect, then parents are often bound to give in, after a while.

Show why you have chosen this or that person to be your spouse. List the qualities you find appealing in him or her. And make them understand why that person is central to your happiness. An African proverb says that "if you say something is sweet, then you have to demonstrate its' sweetness."

A couple in my church celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary recently, and at the occassion, the husband recalled that his wife's father had him arrested by the police when they were dating, because according to the old man, "this young man is always coming to disturb my daughter." But the couple asked other elders in the woman's family to intervene, and eventually they got married. Today, their marriage still serves as a source of inspiration for many people.

allonym:
Well, in that case, it looks like the parent's were correct. The woman that their son was about to marry is one that would conduct affairs with married men.

Such sweeping judgements shouldn't be made, unless one has all the facts of the whole story, at one's fingertips. The young man merely went in search of happiness, with someone he loved. Period. The Efik girl from what I heard, did not have a history of dating married men. The Nnewi guy was her first boyfriend. She was there for him, when he had nothing. She was living with her relatives when they met. She persuaded them to help him. Took him in, sheltered him, got him his first job & suffered with him when things were rough. When he became financially secure, his parents got him a wife "from their place." Sadly, he went along with their plans. He was obviously too weak to follow his heart.

Marrying along tribal lines, does not always guarantee success. Even though many say there is a high rate of successful marriages among people from the same ethnic group, I have met people from the same village getting married & a few years down the line, the marriage ended in an acrimonous divorce. I have also seen folks from different ethnic nationalities getting married, and their union lasted for many years, until they were parted by death. Respect, love, understanding, compassion, trust, loyalty, fidelity, sincerity etc. have a lot more to do with making a union work, rather than just tribe or merely what geographical region, a person comes from.

The example of the Nnewi guy & Efik  girl, just goes to show that matters of the heart are hardly amenable to regimented rules. Especially when it comes to some out-dated tribalistic ones, drawn up by some old-fashioned parents.

stellyray:
Anambra girls marry any where plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

You think so?? Go and check again! A good neighbour told me that in Anambra, it is their mothers' that select spouses for their sons & daughters.

A close friend of mine from Nnewi, is going through the same dilemma right now. Her boyfriend is a Yoruba guy & her mom is saying that she will never allow her daughter to marry from the South-west. Her parents did the same thing to her older brother when he wanted to get married two years ago, to an Efik girl. At the end of the day, the girl's brother dumped the Efik girl to marry an Onitsha girl, that met his parents' approval. After his wedding, he went back & started dating the Efik girl all over again. Now, even though he's still married to the Anambra girl, he is still carrying on a steamy affair with his Efik babe on the sidelines!

stellyray:
Anambra girls marry any where plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

That is not strictly true o, !!

Easyy: Just like you, I could never imagine myself with a woman who has had a child for another man.

Uh? Isn't that a rather narrow point of view? What if the mother is an intelligent, hard-working, caring, truthful, honest, sensitive widow? Should the fact that she has a kid without a father, condemn her to a life of[i] 'single-hood'[/i]?

Should the fact that a woman made an error of judgement somewhere, somehow by getting pregnant & has retraced her steps enough to forge ahead & take care of herself and her kid alone, make her a pariah?

Thank goodness, not all men think like you do!

Some women get pregnant, but not all, keep it. A few give up the kid for adoption, several others arrange a termination, quietly,  because for them, this is an easy way out. Child birth & child rearing is not kid's play. And it takes a lot of courage for a woman to walk that road, all alone. Many men date & marry women that have had a termination in the past, and those men are deluded into thinking that because there are no kids in public view, their woman is some kind of saint, or she is in some way better than those single mothers who have kids to show for their folly. They walk away with a self-righteous smirk after putting down single mums, for their folly, in having kids outside wedlock.

I have seen some of these single mums get married to some other decent men at the end of the day, who end up taking care of them & treating those children, like their own.

One needs to look at this issue in a realistic manner. Am not an advocate of women having kids outside wedlock because it is fashionable or convenient to do so. But am also not an advocate of treating single mothers like dirt or looking down on them, because they didn't toe the moral line dictated by their society. I believe by helping those single mums to find their feet & making sure they realise there is a better alternative out there, they would be able to get back on the 'straight & narrow', and still make a success of their lives & raise their children, well. Who knows what those children would become, tomorrow? A supreme court judge, a preacher, a doctor or even a president of the most powerful country in the world? Just think! The possiblities are endless.

In a world where some women cry daily, because they cannot have children, others are being castigated & ridiculed, for becoming single mothers. Its' really amazing!