₦airaland Forum

[quote author=cute-ass link=topic=46198.msg997905#msg997905 date=1175038429]because the same situation narrated by A could still be similar to the situation of B, and yet at the end of the day, they both had different outcomes, experience and results

Hence i like saying, in my own opinion or giving the person the possible advantages and disadvantages to the situation because only a fortune-teller should give you a concrete answer since we never know what will happen.[/quote]You are so-oo-oo right!!!

spoilt:
I am very ashamed to tell people that i can't speak my local language well. I don't know how it happened but as a child my parents would speak igbo to us. we would always reply in english. its really wierd. we never really went to the village often too. my parents did everything to get us to speak it and it just didn't happen. part of the problem was that in lagos where we lived, most people communicated in english or pidgin or yoruba.at school we spoke english.(most of my primary school teachers were white).

i try to speak it anyway but my accent is so funny and people laugh. . but at least im trying!!!

what do you think about this? is this a common trend.

I think it is sad when people don't speak their language, because they miss out on the proverbs, idioms & culture of their own community.

At least you are trying to learn it. Don't give up. Keep practising, even if people laugh at you. Simply continue the lessons. Tell them to teach you the correct pronounciation & intonation. Soon you will be fluent.

Practice makes perfect.

babyosisi:
Iseee

Gosh, you are so-oo-oo funny!!

4 Play:
It is better to keep quiet about a subject such as this than to embark on an inane analysis based on narrow minded stereotyping.

Point out the parts that are inane, or narrow-minded. And show what qualifies it to be tagged as such.

No one is forcing you to read this thread or to read the posts. If you do not agree, kindly walk past or skip it. If you are unable to do so, outline in clear lucid language, why you do not agree. Simple. Do not dismiss what others have said as narrow-minded. If you do not understand the subject, kindly ask for clarification.

My comments remain just that. Mine. You do not have to agree with them. My own reality is obviously quite different from yours'. It doesn't make it inane.

I have noticed that while you are so busy casting aspersions on other people's contributions, you have not offered, one well-thought out response,  rational explanation or inspired comment, about the subject.

You are too busy brandishing the word stereotype, as if you just saw it in the dictionary.

4 Play:
This thread is an orgy of feeble minded hare brained analysis.Nobody has conducted a scientific study on this issue and any stereotyping is just that,stereotyping .

@4play, you are welcome to conduct the first scientific study & analysis on this issue. We eagerly await your findings, with bated breath!

Seun:
It could be that Yoruba girls can't stand the idea of "bringing an Igbo guy home to daddy", so they reject them.

The fear of "bringing an Igbo guy home to daddy", in my view, is usually NOT a factor that prevents Yoruba girls from dating Igbo men. After all, parents of Yoruba girls also reject the Yoruba boy-friends of their daughters. The initial opposition of all Yoruba fathers to their children's choice, irrespective of where he comes from, is well-known in the South-West. In fact, it is even worse when the guy comes from a community that does not see eye-to-eye with their own.

One of my aunt's male colleagues from Ondo, informed his parents that he wanted to marry an Ijebu lady. The guy's father did not mince words: "God forbid!" was his first response. World War III almost erupted. The girl's father also turned down his daughter's heartthrob. At the end of the day, the guy stood his grounds, and they both sent their family elders (uncles & aunts) to both parents to convince them to back down. After both families conducted the usual investigations, they finally gave their consent to the union. This happened about fifteen years ago. They have been happily married since then, with 4 kids.

Finally, I have seen several Igbo-Yoruba marriages that worked out. But most of the Igbo male-Yoruba female relationships I have seen, occur among Delta-Igbo males & Abia guys. I guess the Igbo male-Yoruba female relationships, often occur in cases where the men are less easily influenced by the 'traditions' of their own communities.

Seun:
One could say that many Igbo girls are so beautiful that they make Yoruba guys forget about their tribalism.

Hahaha, maybe!! Are you saying Yoruba guys are tribalistic? How much research have you conducted in this area?

Seun:
It could also be that Yoruba girls are more tribalistic than men, so they don't accept Igbo suitors. Research needed!
It could be that Yoruba girls can't stand the idea of "bringing an Igbo guy home to daddy", so they reject them.

Really? I have discovered that most Yoruba parents will always reject their daughters' suitors at the first meeting, even if he comes from the next village. They feel no man is good enough for their daughters. It usually takes appeals & persistence for them to change their minds. Most of my female Yoruba friends went through this stage. Usually, it is after the parents have observed the conduct of the guy & the bond that exists between the couple, that they give in.

Donzman:
That was the post I asked why to, why won't we see the reverse?. . .The factors you put up there should also lead to seeing more of the reverse, why aren't we seeing it?

My answer was given in my previous post. Here it is again:

laudate:
Finally, a number of Igbo men have this habit of heading back to their districts in the East, once it is time to marry. Dunno why. A female friend of mine from Umuahia, actually stated that  Anambra men do not marry outside & that once it is time for them to do so, it is their mothers that select wives for them.

This is my view. A late Professor of Biochemistry at the University of Lagos College of Medicine, once warned a Yoruba lady about this trend, which he had noticed among Igbo men. A few of his female students had called in for counselling, and in the course of unbottling their problems, he realised that a large number of them were hurting from broken relationships, which crashed as a result of their various Igbo boyfriends citing ethnic differences, as one reason why they couldn't marry those girls. This may be one of the factors why more Yoruba girls are not having more relationships with Igbo guys. His advice to them, was that these non-Igbo girls should trash out the issue of ethnic differences quite early in their subsequent relationships, before things got too intimate.

Maybe Igbo men need to be asked, why they are not marrying more Yoruba girls? 'Cos last time I checked, it was still the job of a man, to propose. And if more Igbo men keeping heading back to the East to pick wives, instead of getting hitched to the non-Igbo girls they have dated previously, it means we are unlikely see more Igbo man-Yoruba girl relationships, ending in marriage.

And may those who wish to continue hawking their daughters to the highest bidder in order to line their pockets, have a field day!!

I love my cousin's names:

Nkemakolam - May I not lack what's mine,

Nwachinemelu - The child whom God does things for.

Broken hearts go to God for healing. In prayers. There is no analgesic for a hurting soul, and only a Divine touch can make it whole.

Donzman:
@Laudate

Why do you speak so much but say little. You still haven't answered my question of why we won't see more Igbo guy/Yoruba girl relationships? Is it only Igbo girls that are in Lagos?

Why pull up my post and not answer the question but instead force me to read something trivial? Kind of annoying!!

Kindly re-read my post again. I really don't want to rehash all I wrote earlier. Your 1st question in post no. 31, if you recall, had to do with the fact that "you will see more of the Yoruba guy/Ibo girl relationships rather than the reverse though", and you wondered why that was so. This question, was answered in the 1st, 2nd & 3rd paragraphs of my previous post No. 32. No one is forcing you to read anything. If you do not like the contents of any post, you are free to skip it. Se fini.

I stand to be corrected but there was no part of your initial question in post No. 31, concerning why[i] "we won't see more Igbo guy/Yoruba girl relationships?."[/i] This question came later, in your last post no. 33. Even at that, the 5th paragraph of my previous post (no. 32), still goes ahead to give some reasons for  this scenario.

Now what is so annoying about what was written? Na wa o!

babyosisi:
It is not as rampant as all you non Igbos make it out to be mrs know it all.
I stated earlier that I'm an Igbo woman that grew up in Igboland[b],I have never known anyone called an osu or discriminated against as an osu and a lot of Igbos here repeated the same.[/b]

But since you know better you tell us from your book knowledge.
I am not saying it may not still be an issue for a very negligible minority,I am saying that it is nothing compared to what it was way before our time such that todays generation can tell you they do not know any "osu families".
But since the topic interests you all,keep it alive.

Who is mrs know it all? Na wa o! Why the name-calling? Just because you have never seen it in your own community, does not mean it does not exist elsewhere. Or let me guess, is it because you have conducted an in-depth research into this issue,  in every single district in Alaigbo, starting from Ogwashi-Uku to Ngor-Okpala, that you claim it does not exist? Those who[b] know,[/b] say it does not occur among Delta-Igbo communities or in Abia or Rivers State, but it can be found in parts of Anambra, Imo & Enugu states. So why this denial?

Even if the incidence has diminished from the way it was in the past, the truth is that, it is still in existence. Quite a number of my female friends from the East, faced this problem just after we left school. Let me give another example. A neighbour of mine, dated a particular guy for two years. Shortly after youth corps, she took the guy home to meet her parents. That was when the issue of osu, came up. Her mother threw herself on the floor, wailing that her daughter wanted to kill her, because she had brought home a guy from an outcast community. The girl herself ,was depressed for months after the incident. And this occured in 2002.

Some of us couldn't understand what the problem was, until she spelt it out in clear detail. Since then, quite a number of other incidents have come to light. Another one happened in my office. A male colleague had the hots for a female contract staff. The guy was really besotted with her, until one of the elderly ladies there called him to order. stating that the girl was an outcast from her own community. The guy's interest died immediately.

People who have experienced it, know where the shoe pinches. Some of us have even witnessed their heart-wrenching, emotional pain at close quarters. So there is no point dismissing the issue as something that concerns a 'very negligible minority.' Does it mean that the pain of this minority, does not count?

Maybe those who are still interested enough in the issue to keep it alive, have broad-minds. Who knows? Anyway, the truth is that it is important to propose viable solutions, instead of empty rhetoric, to deal with the whole thing, once & for all.

The first step to solving a problem, is to acknowledge it exists. Those who wish to deny the existence of a problem, will never be able to discover appropriate solutions to put an end to it .

[quote author=fresh-B link=topic=23527.msg718862#msg718862 date=1164330530]@ Luadate
i so much believe osu is a past tense because, (like you mentioned) it was this individual rejection tha abolished the killin of twins which my family was a victim of.[/quote]Don't understand what you mean by osu is a past tense. Kindly explain. You can only call something a past tense, if that thing no longer exists or if it is dead, buried & there is no longer any trace of it. Unfortunately, the 'osu' issue is still alive & thriving in many communities in the East, even as we speak. So why are you using the word "past tense?" I don't get it o!

LoverBwoy:
your love don't matter! if your not igbo forget it all th numbers laudate gave you are just that -numbers!

Pray tell, how are they numbers? Did you actually RE-EE-EAD what I wrote?

Abi, you wan make I borrow you my contact lens?

babyosisi:
Our girls are too precious to be dashed away for nothing.

Um, strange. The Edo, Yoruba & Itsekiri people as well as some Delta-Igbo clans believe that their daughters are too valuable to be haggled over, like a mere commodity. They believe there is NO amount of money that would do justice to the value they attach to their daughters. So why on earth would they want to put a price tag on her head?

Quite often, they just name a symbolic figure, make a big show of collecting it from the groom's family & then return most of it (or all of it) back to them with the same flourish, after making a long speech about how their daughters are NOT for sale.

We know the differences are there, but I have also seen a lot of Ibo/Yoruba marriages. What should matter is the love and respect the parties have for each other. It should be pointed out that  that you will see more of the Yoruba guy/Ibo girl relationships rather than the reverse though.

Donzman:
I wonder WHY!

A woman can only marry a man who chases her, toasts her, nutures a relationship with her & takes her to the altar. If an Igbo man does not do any of these things, but a Yoruba man is on hand to carry out all these steps, then chances are that the Igbo lady in question, will marry the Yoruba guy.

In Lagos, a lot of the current Igbo women under 30, were brought up in this city & can speak the language fairly well. They also have very few hang-ups about ethnicity or tribe, unlike a lot of their sisters who were raised in the East. Is it because there is a healthy mix of people from different cultures living in the city & such Igbo ladies have actually had more chances to mingle with more Yoruba guys out there, than they would have had, if they lived in the East? I really can't tell.

Another thing is that by the time a woman hits the 30-34 year  bracket, she is less choosy about her suitors. She is more inclined to look out first, for quality & other intangible attributes like sincerity, respect, understanding & mutual affection, instead of ethnicity or sheer good looks, in a relationship.  This is probably due to external or internal pressure on her to settle down fast, or probably because she has had relationships with men from both tribes & has discovered that most men are the same, irrespective of their ethnic background.

It often reminds me of that line in Spike Lee's film JUNGLE FEVER, where the lead actress tells her friends: "Give me a man, regardless of the colour of his skin, who is sweet to me, nice to me and who I sincerely believe loves me, "

Finally, a number of Igbo men have this habit of heading back to their districts in the East, once it is time to marry. Dunno why. A female friend of mine from Umuahia, actually stated that  Anambra men do not marry outside & that once it is time for them to do so, it is their mothers that select wives for them. Since I don't have a way of verifying her statements, I cannot accept it as the truth.

All I know, is that people are free to choose what suits them. Some believe that their ethnic differences add spice to their relationships. Others believe that the familiar things they are used to, makes them feel safer.

whitelexi:
Thats a wrong view point, it only goes to show u don't care about him, because if u did, u'd not be this carefree about whether he stays or leaves, u'd make him stay.

Haba! Is he a six-year old kid? So, she should make him stay? Should she tie a rope round his neck & drag him to the altar? Na wa o! I thought it was supposed to be the other way round. Has he ever done anything to make her stay with him & believe their relationship is for real? If a man loves a woman, he would do anything to keep her by his side.

mamaput:
I don't want to keep what i have to hold.
if he stays then on his own free will

Thank you, jare. No amount of fighting will keep a man by your side. If he wants to leave you, he will make up a story & disappear, or deliberately do things that will make you get fed up with him, so you can ask him to take a hike.

Men always know who they want to be with, so no amount of fighting another lady in order to keep his attention on you, will make him stay.

wahalaman:
come back to earth man
why would you sleep with a woman two months before your wedding day and think u can get away with it

My brother, lots of men do it o! They don't even care. They call it "one for the road," "Last-minute jump and all kinds of stupid names.

They think it is cool. Some of those girls they have used or abused in the process, may end up getting even with them through other means. One girl told me of how her cousin stripped herself naked at 12 mid-night on the day her ex-boyfriend was getting married, and pointed her finger to the full moon in the sky & cursed him. The guy had come back into her life for a short period, only to use her as a brief fling, knowing full well that he would be getting married to another chic, in a couple of weeks. She was shattered, when she discovered. She asked the wind to take her voice to the heavens & ensure the curse would follow the guy, on earth.

I was aghast when I heard the story. It sounded like a Nollywood movie. I didn't bother to ask what happened to the guy o! It was too shocking.

So sometimes when you see a guy having bad-luck, make una check o! E fit don do something, wey e no wan confess.

Chochori: .i was a seminarian and according to the doctrine of churches,any clergy is required to stop the wedding once theres an objection. and i have personally seen a wedding called off because an ex raised an objection.

You are right. In Naija, most vicars or pastors will always ask this question. And then, they will pause for like five minutes, to check if anyone will respond, before they continue with the service. In an Anglican church for example, the question is often repeated twice for emphasis.

I was at a wedding once, and the vicar asked this question. At that precise moment, a lady stood up to visit the 'ladies' or rest room. You should have seen the way everyone turned to look at her. Even the groom did. From the expression on his face, he looked petrified. Only God knows why.

When the ushers accosted her, she explained that she was on her way to the rest room. Everyone could hear the audible sigh of relief, from the groom.

Chochori: i have personally seen a wedding called off because an ex raised an objection.this happened in imo state to be pricise.the ex was prepared as she came with six hitmen well and fully armed.wasnt present in the church bt three of the men where there and were really informed of the marriaged proceedings,told the lady who must have been hanging aroud with three other men that the priest is about asking that question so we thought.this is because the girl and the three men were right at the door walking in when the question was asked.its like"" I KNOW" OH BOY!!!!!!!!!!! i just remember tupac song,all eyez on me as everyone turned and it was like "WOT A FU***K",

guys my sincere advise here is that don't break up so painfully because u can never tell,shakesphare said" theres no science to kw the content of a mans heart from the construction of his face" i got exs,bt we are still best of friends as we talk on phone and help each other sort things out.don't break up so painfully but if u do,no matter hw long it take u,try and mk up with him or her and let him or her be your friend again because once loved is always loved.

I agree with you partially on this one. Heartbreak is a very painful experience & for some ladies, it may take several months before the emotional trauma wears off.

Unlike physical pain, there is no analgesic for an emotional trauma or crises. A female friend of mine at undergraduate level, actually had a nervous breakdown, when one lousy sod, trampled all over her feelings & dumped in a most callous, humiliating manner calculated to make her the object of ridicule in public. She didn't do anything wrong to the guy, he merely used & dumped her becuase he thought it was hip, and so that he could be free to date another chic he had been eyeing for a while. It took ages before my friend could get over the experience. She was never the same, after she recovered. It left her with a cold, unfeeling heart.

No one says a man should marry every woman he dates, but please, as a guy, have the courtesy to break things off in a polite, straight-forward, respectful way without taking undue advantage of the babe's feelings. Period. Don't do it & brag about it. Don't insult her to her face, while breaking up with her. Don't end things with a babe & then spread dirty stories about her. For what?

At another wedding in Lagos recently, a well-dressed, cute-looking babe got into the reception hall & took the microphone from the MC. People thought she wanted to propose a toast to the new couple. So they let her have the floor. With the mic. in hand, she faced the groom & told him point blank:

"Congratulations o. Shey, you are now married abi? May you never know peace in your marriage. As you have lied to me, used me, thinking you were smart, may other people use you & throw you out like yesterday's trash. As you have cost other girls like me their happiness, may you never know happiness, " She then told the whole crowd, what had taken place recently, between her & the groom. The guy's friends tried to wrest the mic from her as she was relating the whole gist to the audience.

My brother, you could have heard a pin drop. Slowly, all the guests began to leave their seats. The bride started crying & wailing. The band members disappeared. Gossip started flying around. One of the groom's friends hissed & accused the lady of being melodramatic. As he said that, an old woman who was on her way out, just landed one dirty slap on his face & asked him if he had sisters or daughters. Would he like a man to cause the same trauma to his sisters or daughters?

Nobody could eat a thing afterwards. Omo, the amount of food that wasted that day, was huge. The whole reception flopped. And it was the talk of the town for weeks in that district. Sure the guy is now married. But I couldn't help pitying his wife. What kind of marriage would they have, seeing as their wedding day had been so hopelessly ruined?

Donzman:
You're Igbo too, why are you complaining?. . .I was going to say they leave you for Igbo guys we're the most handsome and know how to take care of the ladies!

ugodaniel:
PREACH!!!

Don't preach yet o! Some of us will not come for the sermon.

@ehi4life,
I wonder what you would say, if you were a Yoruba, Kanuri or Itshekiri girl dating an Igbo guy. You are Igbo & yet, you are talking like this , na wah o!
Haven't you heard of the warnings in other parts of Nigeria, that "no matter how long an Igbo guy dates a non-Igbo girl, he will always drop her like a hot potato in order to go off & get married from his area, once it is time for him to shed his 'bachelor'  status?"

Please o, these are not my original thoughts. Am only repeating what folks in other parts of Naija have said, in jest.

So no hate mail, please.

junegirl:
But if the guy is worth the trouble, I will fight that war and damn the consequences. After all you are the one who will live within the marriage, not your family. Your happiness comes before any other consideration. The rule is love your neighbour (in this case, your family) as you love yourself, not more than you love yourself. So don't turn yourself into a victim of circumstance, go after your happiness. When Bianca fell in love with Ojukwu, her father practically disowned her. Today, has he not resigned himself to fate? Meanwhile has Biance not been happilymarried all these years?

Junegirl, well said! May you live long! That's why I asked the girl to do some serious soul-searching to check if she truly & deeply loves this guy. It is love, integrity, sincerity, compassion, understanding & respect for one another, that will keep you guys together at the end of the day. So Aisha2, I must ask you again, how strong is your love for this man? And how strong is HIS own love for you? The strength of your love will be tested in the days to come. Many people shy away from such relationships, because they do not have the courage to confront such issues, head on. They often forget, that nothing good comes easy.

In Lagos & Abuja, I have met several inter-faith couples, who have been together for many years. Usually in these cases, it is the woman that changes her religion to the man's own, if she was a muslim before the marriage.  It is widely believed among muslim families in the South-west, that a woman has no religion but that of her husband's own. Such families are quite common in the South-West. Even in the Bible, Ruth changed her religion, when she decided to follow Naomi, by saying "your God shall be my God?" Did she not end up marrying an Israelite, even though she was not one, to start with? Is her name not recorded in the lineage of Jesus?

So Aisha2, can you change your religion to please your 2nd man, if you decide to get married eventually? Please think very deeply before you give an answer. Because at the end of the day, that is what it might boil down to.

Just to add to the Bianca's case, I heard she even had twins after she married the warlord. Are twins not a sign of blessing? All those who want to marry in order to please their parents, I wish them luck. I have seen marriages where the parents practically hand-picked their child's spouse. The wedding was conducted with a lot of fanfare. Less than three years after, there were quarrels flying around. Today, the couple are mere strangers to each other, even though they still bear the same name.

junegirl:
If this will help you, I know an Ibo lady(catholic) who went to serve in Maiduguri and fell in love with a muslim guy from the sultanate family. They both insisted they would marry none else but themselves. You know; the Sultanate and Knighted Catholic family- you can imagine the fireworks. These young couple stood their ground. That was 20 years ago. Today, they are not only happily married with children schooling abroad, the guy hasn't married another wife- which you know is most unlike Hausa men.  That's how far love can go,

Again, thank you for that refreshing point of view & the beautiful example, jare! Am sure if we dig deep within our communities, we will find more success stories of inter-faith unions. But a lot of people don't celebrate successful inter-faith or inter-ethnic unions. They only make noise about the ones that failed. So that at the end of the day, they can all gleefully say, shebi, I told you it wouldn't work out, didn't I!

I have even seen Fulani men (very few of them) marry Caucasian women, who were Christians. And that marriage stood the test of time. One ready example that I can recall, is that of the former Managing Director of the PPMC, which is an arm of the NNPC (i.e.Nigerian National Petroleum Company). The man - Alhaji Dalhatu Bayero married a Polish woman in the late seventies, and they have lived in Lagos all their lives. This woman is his first & only wife till date, & he adores her like no man's business. They have two sons.

Another case is Alhaji Shettima Ali Munguno, who also married a British woman. They lived in the north for many years until she died. People said their union would not last one day. But it lasted 20 years. Until she died, there was no other woman in his life.


Please note: This scenario only occurs, if both of you are not fanatical muslims or die-hard christians. You must be able to tolerate each other's religion. Those who feel too attached to their religion or their ethnicity, should not venture into it. One of these woman actually got a vow from the man, that if she marries him, he will not forcefully try & convert her to his religion. Some nominal Christian men are more inclined to let their wives practise her religion, as long as it doesn't interfere with their own. Unfortunately, very few Muslim men are so inclined.

Finally, all marriages have their own issues & peculiar challenges. It is how you resolve it, that counts. For some people, the problem in their marriage may be financial insolvency, for others it is childnessness, while for yet a few others, it could be religious differences. Every man, to his own!

aisha2:
WHO SHOULD I MARRY
.
Now both of them are talking about getting married, my first boyfriend has my family's consent and we practice the same faith, i have a lot of doubts about him but he seems to have changed or rather is trying hard to make the relationship work.The second guy i would marry today if only we are the same religion. I don't want to hurt anyone especially the second guy because he has really been good to me.
I have to make a decision very soon i need urgent help please.

Hmmn, tough question. First, send the 1st guy packing. A leopard does not change its spots.

Secondly, who do you love most? The 2nd guy, right? Are you comfortable with his religion? Are you willing to change your own religion, to adopt his own? What really is it about him that you love? The reason is that, your religion is expected to affect your lifestyle, your perspective, your values, thoughts & actions. It governs them. Sit down & think really hard. Will you still love him in the next five, ten or twenty years, the way you love him now?

You need to open up. Search your heart & think it through. If all you love about him, is the fact that he has been so helpful, then you need to think again. Another guy might come who would probably be more helpful to you, so how would you react then? Is your love based on the help he has rendered so far? Does he feel exactly the same way about you, that you feel about him? Can he withstand pressure, if you both decide to press ahead to get married?

Storms will come, but it is only a relationship based on a solid foundation of love, trust, respect, sincerity etc. that will last.