₦airaland Forum

9ja4eva:
5yrs and no commitment is no joke.

Na true word you talk!

cld1984:
marriage the only thing it changes is your last name on a peice of paper.

Nope. It changes much more than that. Ask those who are involved in it.

cld1984:
When he feels that the time is right he will ask you, or if you don't want to wait that long who says you cannot ask him , you know what I mean . don't and you can't rush love when the time is right it will happen

Who says? When the time is 'right' for him, he might fall out of love with her & dump her for some other chic, he just met down the road that 'shaks' him.

A guy who is truly in love with a chic, won't want to risk losing her to someone else. He will talk the talk & walk the talk, by making long-term future plans, that has her in it, even if he is not financially empowered, to translate those plans into reality, yet. At best, he would plead for her understanding. He will also take decisions with her best interests, at heart. He won't leave her wondering, if he will pop the question. Most important, he won't leave her dangling in suspense, like this guy is doing.

I have seen people getting married within four months, of their meeting each other. And I have seen people date for 4, 5 6 or more years, without ever getting married. Wake up & smell the coffee.

That's my 2 cents.

initiate:
please face the fact and get over him and forget he ever existed. a guy that dates u and another girl together and ends up marrying her has NO regards for you at all and considers u just as a can of coke that is dispensable once the juice is finished. at best u are like a toy to him. and he invites you to is wedding because u are just a toy to him.

imagine he heard you were banging his best man would he still invite you? or is the girl too inviting all her ex guys?

Good advice! Let's hope she will take it.

initiate:
but at the same time, pray about this, because for all you know you could meet your future husband there

God can't be that wicked. He can arrange for her to meet her future husband, anywhere else. Why must it be at that jerk's wedding? If na play, make una stop am. I beg, if na home video talk be this one, make una fast forward am o! Ehen, I don talk my own.

highveld:
Forget about the Igbo culture and the strong beliefs about marriage. There are lots of Igbos married to Cameroonians and even to South Africans who are far away down the continent. But you better marry this guy fast before he finds an Igbo girl. I'm sure if he finds an Igbo girl with all your qualities etc he would go for her. Please hurry up.

Ah, forget ke? My Ashanti friend, pray hard first, before you go any further, so that 'cultural familiarity,' will not overtake your good intentions. Good luck!

Um, what do I miss about my ex? Nothing! Nada. Zilch.

Dat one? Na God go punish am big time!

Well these days, people do the traditional weddings a few days before the church wedding or court wedding, mostly in the South-West.

Some folks might even have the church wedding on a week day (e.g. Thursday), in order to make it a low-key affair. But the traditional wedding which would have been done prior to this, may have been a large affair. It gives people from both sides of the family, the opportunity to make all the formal introductions.

Polygamy and happiness do NOT go together. Period!

Ezinwannem:
well 10x 4 your input. What Dozy said about people moving away from marrying from their communtiy as they are likely to be related is very true.

But it still doesn't stop people from marrying within their community, does it?

Ezinwannem:
Last xmas I was at Nnewi, I knew how many families that I was told that i will never be able to marry in my village although we are not blood related but itz a complicated thing

Erm, how is it complicated? Since there are no blood-ties with these families, why can't you marry from there? Please can you share some of the reasons with us?

Ezinwannem:
So my point is, it is both ways, everyone gat preference

Yeah, my sista, you are right!. Some people prefer to call this preference, "cultural familiarity." Tee-hee-hee!

Ezinwannem:
well let me put my own input here. Marriages in Igbo land is changing now that people tend to marry outside their villages. You used Nnewi as an example sum point. I am from nnewi, i mean 100 percent. My parents r both from nnewi, my grandparents from both side except my dad's mom who is 4rom Oraifite which is a working distance from my own part of da village. I must correct u perhaphs that marrying an nnewi person is fading now.

May God bless you for speaking the truth in such an articulate, straight-forward and respectful way! Some people like to pretend that such tendencies to marry from one's community do not exist or[i] rarely[/i] existed. Thanks for confirming the observations of many folks outside Alaigbo, by letting us know that inter-community marriages are common, and this trend is now gradually changing. Let us hope it will continue.

Ezinwannem:
Why people prefer to marry from the same town itz because of Culture. If u study the cultues in Nnnewi and itz enviornments like OZUBULU, ORAIFITE, NENI, Nnobi,  AMICHI, ICHI, its is very similar igf not the same and even dialect. My point now is that it is changing in our generation.

Again thanks for sharing this observation with us. It butresses the cultural familiarity theory of Donzman, which most non-Igbo folks observed a long time ago. Even though he said that it rarely occurs, and that people avoid marrying from their villages, in order to avoid marrying their sister. 

Ezinwannem:
If you ask me, I would love to maary an Anambra person if not an nnewi sef because of cultural differenes. It does matter. For example, my elder sista didnt do her traditional wedding because my mother never did hers but now she has done it, my elder sista is allowed to do it and this is different from other cultures and other things that comes with it.

You are entitled to your preference jare, my sista. Its' all good. Nice to know what you want & go for it, unlike some folks who will pretend till kingdom come, in an effort to be politically correct.

Ezinwannem:
I did advise not to generalize because I know alot of yoruba who said they will never date or marry an igbo guy, itz  matter of preference.

A Yoruba person who has said he or she will never marry an Igbo person, is highly unlikely to chase, date or have a romantic relationship, outside his or her own ethnic group. I have also seen some Igbo people who say they will never marry a Yoruba person! So you can see that it cuts both ways.

I know several people whose parents are both products of inter-ethnic marriages, but it would be unfair for them to think that all those from their own ethnic group, think the same way or are cast from the same mould, like Donzman often does.

Donzman:
I was exhausted with the whole back and forth thing anyway but I'll correct some of your misconceptions.

Point of correction. They are not misconceptions. The points that I have raised are observations, made over a period of time & perspectives, that were formed by various events, which took place. Such observations have also been discussed with several other Igbo people, who have confirmed their knowledge of such issues & have also confirmed that their own observations tally with the topic under discussion. You have chosen to tag  it as a misconception. That's your own business.

Donzman:
My grandma is not only not from Anambra state, she's from Delta state. My aunt who is about 60 is married to a man from Igbo state. Another one of my aunts is married to a man from Abia State while another one is married to a man from Enugu state.

You have still NOT said anything new! Yeah, your grandparents are from different hometowns, but they are both Igbo, not an inter-ethnic couple. Abia, Enugu etc. are Igbo states, or have they become Yoruba districts? Kindly cast your mind back. The question was WHY DO WE NOT SEE MORE IGBO GUY/YORUBA GIRL RELATIONSHIPS? Not : "why do we not see more Igbo guy/Igbo girl relationships?"

Thank God, Ezinwanne has confirmed that her parents are both from Nnewi, so that must mean that mean my earlier observations had some truth in them, even though you have used your own family as an example, in an attempt to refute these facts.

At the risk of repeating myself, I must stress the fact that even if your own folks marry from other Igbo communities outside their own, it does not mean other Igbo families do not marry from within their own communities. So stop using your own immediate family as a standard for judging every other Igbo family.  

Donzman:
When I speak, I speak from the perspective of someone who has lived among Igbos all his life. Not someone like you who has had Igbo friends here and there.

Point of correction, again! I do not have Igbo friends here & there. I have Igbo cousins, relatives and friends. Cousins created by blood-ties. As for friends, over sixty-five percent of my friends are Igbo. And I have made several visits to the East. Unlike you, I do not use just my own terms of reference or perspective, as a sole yardstick for judging issues. Am on a continual quest for understanding, so whenever there is a cultural practice that I do not understand, I ask questions from those who hold the answers. I do not make bare assumptions like you do. One does not need to come from a community, to decipher their ways. Prof. Elizabeth Isichei is a foreigner who was once married to an Igbo man. Please check. Some of the most informative works on Igbo culture were written by her. She is still a lecturer in the University of Jos.

Donzman:
Igba Nkwu is a traditional thing and is done at the girl's native village, that is why you cannot do it in the city! Your pastor should have inquired as to why they go back East to do the Igba Nkwu instead of speaking without inquiry. You don't think the people doing the marriage thing do not think they can save money just doing it in Lagos?

Point taken! Does the fact that the Igba nku is done in the East not convey to an outsider, that the Igbo man has gone "home" to marry from his place? Go figure!

Donzman:
Maybe the Yoruba girls do not send out the "MARRIAGE" vibe to the Igbo men?. . .You'll be indeed stupid to assume that marriage is all about the man proposing. One has to feel attached enough with someone to even propose.

You can keep going but let it be known there are more explanations than the beer parlour discussion you've been dishing out.

Pray tell, in what way do Yoruba girls NOT give out marriage vibes? Kindly be more explicit o! Since you are an expert in this area, please share your knowledge with us. When I replied to one of your earlier posts, I stated that: "Nah! I have seen too many Yoruba girls who were left heart-broken, when their Igbo dates turned round to dump them, citing cultural differences as an excuse, before going to marry girls who hail from the East!" Some of these relationships lasted like 3, 5, 8 years or more o! I guess they needed all that time "to feel attached enough with someone" to even propose, abi? May God help us all!


I even know of one particular case, where an Igbo guy met a young Yoruba girl, while he was still a squatter in his friend's house. She was a student, back then. Without thinking about his lack of possesions, she dated him faithfully, sleeping on the floor with him, never making any kind of demands. Later, the good Lord improved his status, and he moved into a mini-flat. Not long after this, they seperated because she left school. A few years after, they got back together. The whole world was waiting for the guy to take her to the East & introduce her to his parents. His excuse? It was not the right time or he wasn't ready yet. By the time he was ready to marry, did he look in the direction of the Yoruba girl who had suffered deprivation with him faithfully? For where? He met an Anambra girl from his state, and in less than few months, he did the Igba nku in her place and they became man & wife. Till date, the Yoruba girl is still distrustful of this man. There are so many stories like this around us. In most African cultures, the men are the ones who propose. Maybe you want to turn things around by insisting that women should propose, since in your view one is  "indeed stupid to assume that marriage is all about the man proposing." Oh, so is it now about 'women' proposing?

So if in your view the Yoruba girls do not send out the "MARRIAGE" vibe to the Igbo men, pray tell, what was the Igbo man doing by chasing, toasting and dating them? Why was he having a relationship with them, that lasted for several months? Sometimes, these relationships last for years o!
Why don't the Igbo men just ignore the Yoruba girls & focus on dating strictly Igbo girls, in line with your cultural familiarity theory? Ah! I forgot,  they need to lead the Yoruba girls on a wild goose chase for that long period of time, in order "to feel attached enough" to even propose, in your own words. Kai!

spoilt:
new wives are supposed to call even the husband's younger relatives "brother". my co-worker when i was back in naija was complaining one morning about this. Her sister- in-law gave her a lashing because she didnt call a 12 year old "brotha mi". (she's yoruba too but she definitely didnt find it funny).
na wa oh!

Poor lady. Lemme guess she married into one of those arch-conservative Yoruba families, that still insists on old 'tradition' & some of those so-called customs. Do her husband's parents still live in the village?

Tell her that soon one of her husband's younger brothers, will marry a new wife, and she would be spared some of that wahala. Their attention would then be focused on the new wife. A lot of educated Yoruba families in the cities (not all) don't do all that "brother, sister stuff", anymore, but those who still live in the rural areas do. You can pretty much call your husband's younger ones by name, but just show them some respect. That's all.

Donzman:
The comment was silly, I do not know you enough to call you silly YET!

You do not know most of the people on this forum, but you have called them names on other threads. You do not have to know a person to insult them. Grow up!

Donzman:
Your pastor is IGNORANT, sorry to say. Igba Nkwu is meant to be done at the girl's father's native home, that is the significance of it all. It is not reasonable to do it in the city, then the practice will just be like another wedding.

Pray tell, what makes the pastor ignorant? He observed a particular trend among the Igbo men in his church & he commented on it? Is it a crime for a pastor to speak about what he has noticed among his members? Is that your definition of ignorant? And why is it not reasonable to do the[i] Igba nku [/i] in the city? Please enlighten us. In what way would holding it in the city, make it just be like another wedding, to use your own words? I have attended several Igba nku ceremonies in the East o, and this your definition get as e be! There was nothing extra-ordinary about them, that couldn't successfully have been replicated in the city o.

Donzman:
My grandma is not from my grandpa's hometown, my mother is not from my father's hometown. Infact, Igbos rarely marry within their local community because chances are you're marrying your sister!!

Yeah, your grandparents are from different hometowns, but I bet they are both Igbo, not an inter-ethnic couple. Kindly cast your mind back. The question was why don't  we see more of Igbo guy/Yoruba girl relationships, not why don't we see more of Igbo guy/Igbo girl relationships. Can you recall? Good.

As for saying that Igbo people rarely marry within their own community, first, you would need to define exactly what you mean by community.  Are we referring to their immediate village, local govt. area or state? You have chosen to restrict your own definition of community to just the hometown. I know several Igbo families whose parents are from the same hometown or local govt. area, so please note that your argument does not hold water! Kindly speak for yourself when it comes to this issue, because you sure ain't speaking for all the other Igbo people I know. And many of them would disagree with your analysis in this area. One of them would be my next-door neighbour who hails from Anambra State. Her mother refused outrightly, when her elder brother wanted to marry an Imo state girl. And that was just two years ago in 2005! She stressed the fact that he must marry from their state, even if he couldn't marry from their local govt. area! And that is just one example out of all the others that I have seen. Several Igbo people have commented on this issue. What I don't get, is your persistent flair for playing the ostrich.

Kindly understand, that 'your own reality', is different from the next person's reality & you cannot force the next man to super-impose your own version of reality, upon his own.

Donzman:
You should say the same thing to yourself, just because Ikenna's unlce married from their community, that does not mean every Igbo marry from their own community. Funny how you can think up a logic but cannot apply it to your own argument.

Oh, you want to turn the argument around? Then, you would be contradicting yourself, m'sieur! One could also apply the same line of reasoning to your grand-parents marriage & to other issues you have raised here. Just because you claim some Igbo people do not marry from within their own community, does not mean there aren't several other Igbo folks who have gotten married within their own respective communities. Simple.

Donzman:
You have relatives in the East, I was born and bred in the East, go figure how you know much more than I do.

I have also visited the East on several occasions. So am not a stranger to that region. Going by your posts here, what you know about the reality on ground however, is really little. But I may be wrong. You may just be trying to do a revisionist exercise, here. You know what the oyinbos would call, "seeing black and calling it white. "

Donzman:
Maybe it has more to do with the Yoruba girls than the Igbo guys?. . .Just a question!

Nah! I have seen too many Yoruba girls who were left heart-broken, when their Igbo dates turned round to dump them, citing cultural differences as an excuse, before going to marry girls who hail from the East! So that point you are trying to make, doesn't hold water! I always ask those girls, did you hide the fact that you were Yoruba from the Igbo man, when he started dating you? The answer is always NO. So why did he come up with that excuse, at the last minute? No one knows. Usually, it happens after the guy's family intervenes with their own objections. The man now back-pedals and the rest as they say, is history!

Kindly read babyosisi's post no. 68 in the thread "Why must Nigerians abroad marry other Nigerians". I feel it also applies to this issue of why we do not see more Igbo guy/Yoruba girl marriages, even though her remarks were addressed to an African-American poster. It puts it a whole lot better, than I ever could.
https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-9127.64.html

babyosisi: This young man's parents have several fears.
1. They fear you will take their son away from them and being that you are of a different nationality,that you may actually take him far far away.

2.They fear that it would be easy for you to leave the marriage when the going gets tough due to the history of divorce.

3.They fear that their lineage will lose it's Nigerianess and Igboness being that you are not Nigerian.

In her third point, one could substitute the last word 'Nigerian' for Igbo, in order to get a clearer picture.

But I don't expect you to see the truth in these statements, because to you, the fault must always lie with the other party, not the man.

One last word: In your previous posts, you acknowledged the Igbo man's penchant for marrying from his own ethnic background. That would be the cause for the fewer Igbo guy/Yoruba girl marriages that exist. What did you call it now? Ah, yes I remember, cultural familiarity! According to you Donzman, an Igbo man would first go for an Igbo girl wherever he resides, before dating a non-Igbo from another tribe. So Yoruba girls are not the ones to blame. Look in the direction of the Igbo men. Stop contradicting yourself, by now saying maybe it has more to do with the Yoruba girls, than the Igbo guys. In what way? Or have you proposed to any Yoruba girl & she turned you down, saying she didn't like your tribe?

Am out. Feel free to continue this thread, from your own constricted perspective. Peace.

Donzman:
Your explanation suggests that if an Igbo man is in a place without Igbo girls around, he'll go back home to get an Igbo girl. Mine suggests that if an Igbo man is in a place without Igbo girls, he'll marry the ones he find around him but if he's in a place with Igbo girls (which is often the case), he'll calmly marry the Igbo girl instead of those from other groups. Do you understand now?. . .SILLY!

You used the word "Silly"? This is the 2nd time you have done that, in this thread. Are you referring to the writer or the comments? You claim my explanation suggests that if an Igbo man is in a place without Igbo girls around, he'll go back home to get an Igbo girl. Certainly. Kindly note that my comment does not take into account the meeting place of the couple, or where the guy stumbles on his Igbo girl-friend, for the first time. It refers to the ethnic background of the couple. Most of the Igba nku ceremonies that you see, hardly take place in the city or the towns where the couple or their parents, reside. It takes place back in the East. It has happened repeatedly in my community & nothing has occurred yet, to change this fact. In fact, a pastor once preached against it, by asking why the Igbo brothers in church preferred to engage in this practice. 

Donzman:
Mine suggests that if an Igbo man is in a place without Igbo girls, he'll marry the ones he find around him but if he's in a place with Igbo girls (which is often the case), he'll calmly marry the Igbo girl instead of those from other groups.

Thank you for pointing out this fact. Maybe now, we can advise all the Yoruba girls who are currently dating Igbo men in areas that also boast of a sizeable Igbo population, NOT to waste their time, since an Igbo man will still calmly pick one of the Igbo girls around him to marry, at the end of the day. Thank you once again, for verifying this issue. So going by your analysis, those wondering why we cannot see more Igbo guy/Yoruba girl marriages, should stop searching for an answer!

You suggest that if an Igbo man is in a place without Igbo girls, he'll marry the non-Igbo ones he finds around him. I beg to disagree. If he is in a place without Igbo girls, then he often asks his people from home to get him a wife from their area, or he asks his fellow Igbo friends to introduce him to any marriageable woman they know in any other town, from their ethnic group.

Even sons of professors do it. So if you do not, kindly do not assume that the next Obiora, Amechi, Okeke or Ikemefuna does not think along the same lines.

Donzman:
That's trash. I'm from Oraifite, only one of my uncles is married to someone from Oraifite. Before you go screaming out, Oraifite and Nnewi are brother/sister towns. "Ada eji eje mba" has nothing to do with where the daughter marries, it's basically a daughter you can be proud of. A daughter you can proudly give away in marriage to someone from another community in marriage without fear she'll soil the family name there. Infact if anything it implies your willingless to give away your daughter in marriage to a man from another community.

I agree that "Ada eji eje mba" means a daughter that you can be proud of anywhere. Usually, this pride in their daughters explains why they do not wish to let her go too far away from her community, with a stranger. The few who may probably be disposed to "give her out in marriage to a man from another community", will often prefer that such a community would be one close to their own, in language and/or customs, at least. Do you get it?

Finally, am sorry to disappoint you. No one is screaming out. If only one of your uncles married from Nnnewi/Oraifite axis, it doesn't mean that all the uncles of all the other inhabitants of those communities, did the same. Ikenna's uncle or Chukwudi's family, may not have done the same. So don't wave your uncle's act as a defence. I have enough relatives from the East & I have seen too much of this practice going on around me. I simply do not understand why you are getting defensive about it & trying to brandish epithets like cultural familiarity, to cover it up.

Donzman:
What does this have to say about Igbo guys not marrying Yoruba girls? Is it that Yoruba girls are not feeling the love from Igbo guys or are you saying that Igbo guys do not propose to Yoruba girls?. . .I don't get it!

You asked "are you saying that Igbo guys do not propose to Yoruba girls?" My answer is YES, many of them do not propose to Yoruba girls. They may wine them, date them, bed them, yes, but marry them? Hardly. But the reverse is often the case with Yoruba guys. A Yoruba guy would still chase, date & marry an Igbo girl, if he wishes, despite the large number of Yoruba women in his neighbourhood, cultural familiarity or not! Same cannot be said of Igbo men!

If that doesn't fall in line with your thoughts, there is nothing anyone can do about it!

Donzman:
You are silly. . .It's like asking me why don't more blacks marry whites in the US? Duhh, cultural familiarity.

Oh, cultural familiarity, eh? That's your take, (or should I say), that is how you explain the Igbo man's preference for taking a wife from his community? Thank God, you said it. If Laudate had mentioned cultural familiarity now, it would have been seen as stereotype. How does your excuse of cultural familiarity, differ from my previous comment, which pointed out that Igbo men would rather marry from within their own ethnic group?

Donzman:
Now I'm still asking you, why is it that the same parents will raise an Igbo girl to marry anyone but raise an Igbo guy to marry only Igbo girls? Does that even make sense?. .

Again, I must ask you to refer to my previous posts. My observations are all there. Most Igbo women I know, have often expressed a preference for men who come from their ethnic group. But as the years go by, and love makes its' debut in their hearts, they may end up falling for men from other ethnic groups, in the various cities where they reside.

Some women have dated across ethnic lines & have discovered that Naija men share similar traits, regardless of their ethnicity. So they have decided to settle for whoever the good Lord brings their way. And like I stated earlier in another post, it is still the job of a man to propose. If a Yoruba man dates an Igbo babe &  proposes marriage, fine. If she likes him enough & is not bothered by the cultural difference, she would go ahead with it. If an Igbo man does the same thing, then she would also say yes, if she likes him enough to marry him.

Secondly, the older a woman gets, the more limited are her choices. So some women believe they can't be too choosy, when it comes to men. Such ladies will tell you that once they find a decent guy, they would settle down with him, irrespective of where he comes from.

But for Igbo men, it seems to be a different kettle of fish. Most men can pick & choose who they will date in a far more proactive manner than most women would & much quicker, than a woman can.

Donzman:
. .Why should Igbo girls and guys think on different perspectives when it comes to marriage? Don't they have the same upbringing?

Do all boys & girls really have the same upbringing, in all truth? Right from childhood, boys & girls are treated differently in many Nigerian households. Parents expect different things or different modes of behaviour, from their kids. In various families, the boys & girls are often (not always) treated differently, and also given rules to govern everything from domestic chores to career path. These differences permeate all facets of their life, from cultural to educational and even to the financial aspects.

The community or background of the various families, also matters. Some communities like Nnewi for example, prefer to marry within their own group. In a few others like Obosi it is said that the first daughter is usually not married outside the town of her parents. In Igbo language "Ada adi eje mba." Dunno if you have heard this before.

A few communities like the Delta-Igbo ones, seem a lot more liberal. But the right person to answer your question, would be an Igbo male. Am sure there are many on this forum, who can do justice to the issue.

Am out.

Donzman:
@Laudate

You have a PhD in stereotyping?

Ok, according to you, we see Yoruba guy/Igbo girl relationships because we have lots of Igbo girls in Lagos.

Then we do not see Igbo guy/Yoruba girl relationships because Igbo guys always go back home to marry and leave the Yoruba girls heartbroken.

Did you issue the so-called Ph.d certificate, in stereotyping? Why oh why, is it such a big deal when people say what they have observed? So once a statement does not fit into your own preconcieved trend of thought, it becomes a "stereotype". Na wa! Well, last time I checked, this was a public forum. And if my thoughts do not fit into your predefined thought patterns, I truly apologise. But I do not believe in group-think. And I will continue to say it, as I see it. I have several Igbo friends, cousins & relatives who have brought up this issue on several occassions. They have chosen to stress the fact, that they feel more comfortable going back home to pick a wife.  But it is their own reality. And it also fits in what I have observed. Sorry if that does not fit in, with what you feel.

Donzman:
OR you could have been consistent by noticing that due to the availability of Igbo girls everywhere, Igbo guys do not often go for other girls.

But no, how could that be? You'll rather rely on stereotypes for your explanations.

Consistent with what? Or consistent with 'whose' ideas & thought patterns? If the point above is in line with what you believe, fine! You are entitled to your own beliefs, observations & ideologies.

What baffles me, is the way you reach for that tag of stereotype whenever anyone expresses an idea that runs contrary to your own, at any point in time. Please do not play the ostrich by claiming you have not heard or seen Igbo men claim they would rather marry within their own ethnic group. No one says it is bad, wrong or crazy. It is simply what they want. Simple. Last time I checked, freedom of choice was a part of our constitution. Or has it been revoked?

So why are you tagging the observations of those who have pointed out the wish of an Igbo man to marry an Igbo girl, as stereotype?

You claim that "due to the availability of Igbo girls everywhere, Igbo guys do not often go for other girls." You have not answered the question of why. Is 'availability' the only reason? Or are there more culture-specific reasons for their choice? Yoruba girls abound in Lagos too, so why don't more Igbo guys go for Yoruba girls, since they are also widely available everywhere, in the South-west? In fact, they out-number the Igbo girls there. And why don't the Igbo men in the middle-belt, marry more Tiv, Nupe, Igala & Gwari girls, since they too are also widely available everywhere in the middle-belt?

texazzpete:
You'll see that some of the people who've been writing in here to advocate postponing the relationship were bashing another guy for daring to postpone his marriage to a Nairaland user.
Postponing the wedding without concrete talks is sending a wrong message to the guy!

If the guy truly believed their forth-coming marriage was top priority, each time she raised the issue of his multiple female callers, he would go out of his way to reassure her that nothing was going on, and he would put a stop to it, or probably reduce the calls to the barest minimum. Sometimes, a guy who has nothing to hide would even put the phone on speaker, so that his girl can hear the details of the conversation, and realise that his friendship with those other girls, is totally above board.

But has he done that? Nope. He is not even willing to do so. So what signal is he sending to the girl? You tell me. He is behaving as if their relationship is NOT even important enough for him to discuss the fears she has & resolve them. If he felt she was top priority, he would go out of his way to allay her fears, not continue to fuel it, by maintaining calls with all those other unknown babes.

Marriage is supposed to be for life, and if he is not willing to sit down & put her fears to rest at this early stage, what do you think will happen if she goes ahead to marry him, without resolving these issues? She might end up discovering that she married a serial philanderer, with no regard for her feelings! Nine years is no joke! But a broken courtship is better than an acrimonous divorce. So everyone should be careful about jumping into holy matrimony. It sounds as if the guy is bored with their relationship & is seeking a diversion elsewhere. That's probably the reason for all the female callers, in his life.

Many of the men who are married today, did not get married to virgins. They married women who had been in previous relationships, in the past. So all those who are scared of marrying an ex-prostitute, because they might end up meeting her former clients, tell me, if you have ever met any of your wife's ex-boyfriends. How did you feel when you were introduced?

And if you haven't met any of her ex-boyfriends, isn't there a chance that you just might run into them some day?

How is that different from meeting a former prostitute's clients?

Rhea: Try to date a mopol lady (the fine young recruits that look like 6-something).
Stir up an argument and slap her.

Let me know which hospital you were admitted (when you wake up)

Oh mi gosh! Am laughing too much.  Abeg, somebody please help me!

initiate:
summary is this, a woman holding on to the fathers name, is a name dropper and under achiever and this should give a sign to the man that there is more underlying problems

A rose by any other name is just as sweet, that is my belief. So how does a woman who retains her maiden name, become a name dropper & an under-achiever? Kindly let us know.

@monshege,

Please what do you know about the Ikwo dialect/people? Quite a number of them can be found in Kogi state. Their communities line the border between Kogi/Anambra/Enugu state.

babyosisi:
never denied it anywhere read my post again

Yes, you are right. You did not say it doesn't exist, you simply stated that it is not rampant & that todays generation can tell you they do not know any "osu families". So for those who are part of today's generation, the osu issue does not exist for them. That is where one needs to draw the line. By saying it is not rampant, it discourages people from proferring solutions to the problem.

Here is a viewpoint from another website:

Amy:
Since cultural practices are essentially socially constructed, it is to be expected that there will be marked differences from one community to another with respect to the Osu caste system. The severity of the segregation or discrimination, as the case may be, certainly differs from community to community. I know in my local community, and in my husband’s locality as well, it will be anathema to suggest having an Osu as a council chairperson or have an Osu occupy the post of the village Eze for that matter. In fact, there are certain village meetings, from what I gather, that Osus are not allowed to attend. As far as I know, most freeborn in my village will not sell their family land to an Osu because they will not like their kids to mingle too closely with the Osus. In fact, the Osus have their assigned area in my village and rarely live elsewhere. Dialas are willing to take advantage of the Osu’ largesse and prosperity but not co-mingle with ‘the unworthy’.

I have a feeling the whole notion of “Osu caste system dying a natural death” is a convenient way of fence sitting by the vast majority of Dialas/freeborns that often trump up the idea. No Osu and I associate with quite a few has the same persuasion simply because they will prefer to be accorded equal status than hang on the balance waiting for when, if ever, the stigma that they are unjustly forced to endure is lifted, thanks to the passage of time.

I personally believe that it is the same attitude of ‘do nothing about it’ because in time it will die a natural death that has sustained the practice to date. It is simply unfair to those whose lives are adversely affected by this ostracism to leave the issue to chance. I am yet to notice any significant change in the attitude of most people from my area and I am not a minor by any definition. I think it will be a fundamental error of judgment on the part of Igbo leadership for them to continue sidestepping this issue as they have been doing as that is tantamount to abetting an injustice colored by superstition and prejudice.

One of the closest people to me in the world married an Osu man from Owerri against the wishes of her entire family. She was summarily disowned by her entire family and for the longest she and her husband lived in fear of being lynched by some of the zealots in her family that perceived her action as having brought shame to the entire family. Bear in mind that these are very well educated individuals. My big sister’s close friend, whose time clock is ticking quite loudly by the way, still chose to reject a very accomplished attorney in the States who she admits has everything she wants in a man just because her people called from Naija to inform her that her fiancé is an Osu.

The wait and see strategy is very disempowering for the victims of this ugly tenet of Igbo culture. The Ndigbo have the intellectual and moral capacity to proactively set in motive clear strategies for the final and decisive abolition of this immoral custom of dehumanizing others due to no fault of theirs. The victims didn’t choose their parents and neither did any of us. Any of us could easily have been born into an Osu household and subjected to the name calling that seems to be the first dart thrown at Osu people at the slightest argument involving an Osu in most villages. It is cruel and oppressive, in my humble opinion, for the Igbo leadership to feed this custom by leaving it up to the passage of time for it to fizzle out. Well, what if it doesn’t since the method doesn’t seem to have had much of an impact, at least where I come from, in the past few decades?

Bottom-line, Ndigbo should make it a top priority to collectively denounce this practice, sensitize people to its ills and set standards, laws and regulations in place that will penalize anyone who dares to call anyone an Osu or discriminate against an Osu. In the US, the public has been sensitized into abandoning the word NIGGER and I think a similar conscientization for the Igbo people will not be out of place.

For Osu caste system to be consigned to history books, Ndigbo must resolve to collectively put in motion a social process that forcefully demands the transforming action of the dominant group of Dialas/freeborns. As I see it, if the Igbo leadership, church communities, Osu class and civil rights movements rest on their oars and do nothing about affecting the attitudes/consciences of the dominant Diala population that is imprisoned by their irrational prejudice against Osus, the dividends of social justice and unconditional acceptance for Osus may take a while in coming. Why must it be left to chance what the generality of Igbo people can proactively work to stop in our times? The level of complacency on this topic can be pretty crippling to a large degree.

My take is that the ‘do nothing and watch the caste system die a natural death” is an uncertain and unreliable strategy that has no authentic value since it has not been highly successful prior to this point. As far as I am concerned it sounds like a cop out for the continued adherence to the custom in the hope that it will eventually fizzle out without any serious obligation/responsibility on the part of the majority of Ndigbo to ditch the practice once and for all.

What I see lacking is the moral will on the part of Igbo leadership, Church communities and the enlightened class of Ndigbo to radically do something to force this practice into extinction and for as long as it is being left to chance, hearts of young lovers will continue to be broken, dreams will continue to be shattered and our collective goodwill will continue to be questioned by all lovers of democracy and freedom of conscience/association.
__________________
The future isn't something hidden in a corner. The future is something we build in the present.- Paulo Freire.

http://www.nigeriavillagesquare.com/board/article-comments/36175-osu-caste-system-igboland-3.html#post164751

Radiant:
If all the qualities I desire in a man is present and I'm very well made in this life, I can marry a poor man.

Erm, what do you mean by "very well made?" Some of us didn't go to school o!

And what if after making the money, the guy decides he no longer wants you?

Seun:
If he's absolutely commited to the relationship, he's going to marry you. That's the only test.

How would she know if he is going to marry her or use her for a limited period, to slake his lust? Dem no dey write am for face now.