Hello all. For more tips on cleaning you can follow @ActiClean on Twitter. There are safer way to clean without using harmful chemicals. Thank me later. Cheers

Indian scientists claim to have developed a rice variety that requires no cooking, only soaking in water.

Ok. My question is : hot or cold water?
and what really is the point if it takes as long as 45mins.

Dear Umaru,

How are you, my dear friend? I sincerely hope that all is well with you. My main purpose of writing this letter is to inform you of the latest developments in the country (just in case Turai hasn’t been doing that) because as usual I don’t expect your Cabinet members to be blunt with you, only true friends like me can do that.

Exactly 50days after your disappearance, the BBC claims to have spoken to you. For some reason, I do not believe it was you they spoke with. The person BBC spoke with said he was getting better and he would return as soon as his doctors discharged him. He also thanked Nigerians for their prayers and wished the Super Chickens Eagles luck in the Nations Cup. That’s when I realised the person couldn’t be you. I mean, when did the Super Eagles become your major priority? You, who didn’t say a word when that silly boy Abdul Mutallab misbehaved? That should definitely have concerned you more considering the facts that you’re both from the same region, he also bears the name Umar and the boy has successfully rebranded Nigeria. Truth be told, the man had a Hausa accent just like yours and he even spoke Hausa. But why did the BBC have an audio recording and no video, our phantom president? You know “phantom” has always been my favourite nickname for you.

One American website says you’ve been dead since the 10th of December but I don’t believe that either. If you were dead, you’d have been buried if not forgotten by now. After all you are a Muslim and Saudi Arabia, where you claim to be undergoing treatment, is a strict Muslim country. They wouldn’t want any foreign corpses lying around now, would they?

Another rumour is that you are brain dead or brain damaged as they put it. That being the case, my purpose for writing this letter would be completely defeated, for it would make no sense to you. My dear friend, what ails you exactly, Pericarditis, renal disease or brain damage? I do not wish you any of these. I simply wish that you come home in good health. I don’t care whether you remain president or not. In any case you still remain my good friend.

I have some questions for you. Have you been told that since you left the fuel queues have grown longer and a litre is now unofficially sold for N100 or more? If it was really you, why choose BBC? Why didn’t you make use of our local media? I don’t mean Citi Feefle and the likes that might carry random and untrue captions like YAR ADUA FOUND PRAYING ON OLUMO ROCK or YAR ADUA FOUND IN MILAN HOTEL WITH ESCORTS. Our government is the owner of the highest number of broadcasting stations and NTA has gone international, so why not take advantage of our own facilities? How do you think Jonathan is coping in your absence? Personally, I wish him good luck.
There are many more questions I would like to ask and I would love to tell you a lot more but I fear for the state of your health and consequently for the state of the nation. Please reply or call me. Allah kao lafia.

Yours sincerely

Olayinka Sekina

P.S- We really should get you another wife when you return. Turai hasn’t been living up to expectation.

Re-branding Religion
My heart skips a beat each time I hear about terrorism in the news. It’s a wonder I’m not dead now because this time the story isn’t just about terrorism. It’s about my very own countryman (and a fellow Muslim) trying to kill himself and other passengers on the plane. I’m still amazed. I mean, what was he thinking?!!!

I’m not your typical Muslim. That doesn’t mean I don’t, believe in Allah (God), say my prayers, give alms to the poor or fast during Ramadan or that I don’t intend to go to Mecca on Holy pilgrimage. Basically, I observe the 5 pillars of Islam, so there! When I say that I’m not your typical Muslim, I simply mean that my appearance tells you nothing about my mode of worship. You won’t see me on a normal day and say “here comes a Muslim girl”. I’m not immodest in my appearance (or otherwise) so you’re not going to see me naked unless I am in my bathroom, bedroom or in your dreams. I don’t wear the Hijab (veil) except to pray or to the mosque and if I were a boy (man) I would keep a beard for reasons of style and aesthetics rather than religion. I’m very proud of those who do these things but the mind and character matter more to me. That’s enough about me.

Why would anyone want to kill himself or anyone else in the name of religion? Why?
Certainly each extended family in Nigeria has at least one Christian, one traditional worshipper or pagan or atheist (declared or closet) and one Muslim. I’m related to at least one of each. I even have one Hare Krishna uncle.
Muslims don’t eat pork but then should we slaughter or curse anyone for enjoying their spare ribs? We shouldn’t drink alcohol but should we then burn down the bars, pubs and beer parlours? I don’t worship in a church but if you are getting married in one, don’t forget to invite me. We really don’t need to preach religious tolerance. Peaceful coexistence is about common sense. We are not the same and never will be. Imagine tall people waging war against the short ones or “not-so-fine” people fighting us pretty girls. But then, we are not very different. Who amongst us does not sleep, eat, laugh or cry? Which of us will never die?

Who are the terrorists?
It takes a level of expertise to activate bombs and explosives. So we know they are not daft. On second thought, strike that out. They might actually be daft. Or what other reason would make a person want to take his own life? Twenty wide eyed virgins awaiting him in heaven? (Don’t misunderstand the parable and Martyrdom is not about killing)The answer might lie in there. Maybe they are sexually starved individuals with perverted minds (the Umar Mutallab fellow had a bomb diaper. I don’t want to imagine the state of his Instruments now). . The boy has successfully re-branded Nigeria. Now we no go dey get visa again.
Another option is that they could simply be unhappy people.
In that case, my advice to them would be: Before you start exhibiting and sadistic or extremist tendencies, leave the religion. Explore other religions if you please. If you come back, we’ll receive you with open arms. After all, Allah is The All forgiving (Al Gafur). I might not have taken my I.R.S (Islamic Religious Studies) classes very seriously but I remember being taught that “there is no compulsion in religion”. Even a verse of the noble Quran (Surah Al Kafirun) tells me “to you, be your religion and to me, be mine”. So change your ways and stop bringing shame to my beloved Islam. You might just find true happiness elsewhere. Focus on the essentials if you really want to be pious. Don’t kill, don’t lie, don’t steal, and don’t fornicate. Be kind; be peaceful and be cheerful. In other words … GET A LIFE!

At my very young age, I've heard different pronunciations of the word “birthday” from different people from different walks of life (in my home country)- from the “posh” to the downright “razz”. I know you’re already wondering if I’m going bonkers but I’ve discovered that each of these connotations has a distinct meaning. Let’s see if any directly applies to you, or if you think I’ve missed any out, you can send you own addition to the ones I have. Let’s start:

Bath-day: Have you heard this one before? Of course! It’s usually used by the 40-90yr olds mostly of Yoruba origin (from Lagos, Ogun or Oyo) who are educated but just cannot get the hang of the “ir” sound. Thinking of the meaning, it reminds me of those crazy old days in secondary school when the birthday boy or girl got a ‘bath” with minerals. “God help you” if you didn’t bring a spare uniform. The ants would kiss you all day and you would feel so sticky.

Buff-day: This one is used by kids (the aje-butter ones) who can’t get (yet) the “ir”sound. The verb “buff” means to polish a surface till it shines and the noun is a garment or item of clothing. So I’m thinking, this is the day when you put on “shiny clothes”! Ain’t I smart?

Buy-day: The “razz” people use this one. Gosh! Maybe because they’re going to be buying stuff on the day or because the expect you to buy stuff for them. You ask them! You know them better…,

Bet-day: Some people look so young and beautiful; they are simply ageless and usually rich. They’re sometimes found on the pages of magazines(pls not City People) .On their birthday people guess their age and take bets, staking money, cars, houses, etc. However, this “word” is used by the wannabes, the razz ones striving to be posh. Also, be warned that while you might lose your valuables, the celebrant is not affected. She probably had her party without inviting you.

Beg-day: Why should you beg for birthday presents? If you really deserved them, you would get at least one. What group of people pronounces birthday this way? I don’t know. I’ve only met one of such people.

Bev-day: Alcoholics or lovers of free drinks and food coined this one. They were probably thinking of the free supply of “beverages” or the bevy of gatecrashers that would appear at your birthday party. Or…….maybe they just didn’t attend the phonetics class at school.

Bed-day: If you can’t get out of bed on your birthday because you are so old. That’s fine. If you’re saying bed day, because you can’t pronounce, get a teacher fast!

Bad-day: You haven’t paid off your debt from the last “society” party you had. You owe and another birthday has come. Then it might truly be a bad day for you. You’re not so old but all your bits are worn out and falling off from overuse. C’mon sis! It’s your not-so-bad day. At least you’re alive and your lace-front wig hair, push-up bra and acrylic nails are still firmly in place. Uncle, I know it’s a bad day for you because each of you 6 girlfriends has planned to spend the day with you. Good luck!
Some of you just say bad day because of your bad phonics. Which is more difficult? “ir” or “th”? Practise the easier one first; I could get my Ayomide to help you.
Baff-day: Everyday is a baff day for me because in 9j “baffs” are nice clothes. I’m sure this one is deliberate slang by Warri boys. Or are they saying “barf” from overeating? Their problem, not mine.

Butt-day: If you get a bigger skirt or slacks every year then you are allowed to call it just that.

Birthday: The proper spelling and pronunciation of the word. Meaning: the day of one’s birth or the anniversary of a birth. Simple!

…. xoxo
Yinx



Glossary

Posh- people like me, lol. Elegant, fashionable, upper class
Razz- some other people. 9ja term for the opposite of posh.
Yoruba- an ethnic group in my country. Fun loving, sociable, people.
Minerals- razz name for fizzy drinks or sodas. Are you not Nigerian?
Aje-butter- children of the posh.
CityPeople- it’s supposed to be a magazine
Bevy- large group of people
Ayomide- one of my nieces
9j- my home country
Warri- a place in my county. Need I say more?
Barf- vomit

Some people say home is where the heart is, but the heart is inside your body pumping blood, somewhere beneath your ribcage. According to the dictionary, home is a dwelling place or a place of origin. I believe that home is simply a state of mind. Home is a feeling.

Think of how you used to feel as a child, when you got on the school bus or when one of your parents or a nanny came to get you at the close of school.
Do you remember that feeling you used to have on the last day of the school term or semester, as you packed your things to leave the dormitory or hostel?
You have just arrived from abroad, maybe from a vacation or business trip. You walk out of the arrival lounge, into your car or taxi and that feeling just hits you.

Sometimes, for me, the "home" feeling begins with the heat and B.O* mixing at MMA**, past the anything-to-declare
a.k.a "Aunty,wetin u bring come?***" and then out into the open. I'm home! The scorching sun kisses me, the humidity hugs me and the dust tickles my nostrils. Indeed, I'm at home. Even when I close my eyes, I can still tell that I'm home, The groans and creaks, as the vehicle meets the ever-so-bumpy roads. The whistles and cries of street traders: imported apples, GSM recharge cards, bottled water, pure water****,
The house feels so familiar even with the lack of electricity, the maddening noise of the generator (or for you lucky ones the gentle hum of the noiseless generator). The mosquitoes also organize a welcome party.
The soups and stews so hot and spicy with pepper, the meat is tougher but so tasty. It’s good to be home.

For those of you still do not know what brought you back to this country after so many years abroad (or overseas as some of our people call it). Are you here to join in Aunty Dora's***** rebranding exercise?
What else could make one leave a more organized country, the luxury of smoother roads, regular pipe-borne water and constant electricity (not from NEPA, oops PHCN)? Could it be the cold?

It's that awesome feeling called HOME.


GLOSSARY
*- Body odour
**- An international airport in my country
***- What have you brought for us?/ glorified beggars
****- “drinking water” sealed in polythene sachets
*****- The Minister for Information in my country (she’s also a pharmacist)

P.S. : If home was where one was happy, I’d be living in a theme park, thank you. I’m just thinking!

u can try evans in the uk as well. they do larger sizes.

some of those shoes r so beautiful! who needs comfort?

But seriously, if shoes are not comfortable, they're bad for your feet, your legs and eventually, your posture.
Be warned. [color=#990000][/color][font=Lucida Sans Unicode][/font]

THANX UGLY oops GULY!

On Sunday morning, I woke up and remembered it was my mum's birthday.

Normally I would have gone to her bedroom to give her a big hug ,said happy birthday and probably, we would have said our prayers together. But, she was not in town and so I could not do all that and it was too early to call her on the phone. I didn't feel too good about not seeing her but I shrugged off the feeling said my prayers and did a few household chores. Then, being the facebook lover (no, not addict) that I am, I logged into my dear fb!

I posted on my profile "Happy birthday mum, i luv u. God bless u!" and minutes later the status comments started to come in, hapi buffday mum, is she around?, wat's mum's number ? awww, i'll call her l8r,etc. All these lifted my mood considerably(thanks guys) until one very annoying one came, Yinka, wat's rong wiv u? must we all kno it's ur mum's birthday? is ur mum on fb?,

Imagine! Why all that beef from my friend? Did i do anything wrong? Can I not wish my mum a happy birthday? Afterall, people send "shout-outs" on radio when the person in question is not even listening. The status update box says "What's on your mind?". Share. I believe my message was ok and even justified compared to my friend whose status currently reads, "i'm in traffic" (who cares?) or somebody's, "i dey sh*t!, (ahn ahn, spare us the disgusting details).

Facebook critics take am easy on me o! I'm not fighting you o.
I'm just thinking.

thanx y'all.
@ hamjola. no i'm not a journalist.
@Ogogoro, do u really think i shoud get a blog?
yes i got my luggage. one bag, ripped, the other bag wet.

Don't ever fly BELLVIEW! why, ? well,

Part 1
My intention was to travel to the United Kingdom to spend my holiday of 2 weeks with my sister and her family and maybe, do a spot of shopping and some other stuff. I began with phone calls to some travel agent and their responses were all similar. They told me Virgin and B.A were fully booked (by the very rich or timely, I suppose) and my options were limited to Arik, Qatar and Bellview. I had to choose and I chose bellview (if it because they were cheap I wouldn't feel so cheated). Arik was not available for the dates I wanted to travel and I didn't like Qatar's idea of stopping over somewhere in the Middle East for a couple of hours, so my major reason was that Bellview would take me straight to London.

Scene 1
Murtala Mohammed Airport.
I arrived at the airport at 6a.m and the queue was already about 100 human beings long.
I finally checked in around 8.50a.m and there were still another 100 or more people behind me to check in for a 9.05 flight. We all waited and boarded the aircraft, finally, at 11.30 a.m.

Scene 2
The plane is full of surprises.
We were about to board and I suddenly noticed the plane had "euromediterranean" inscribed on it.
Lady behind me: S’cuse me. Please may I see your ticket? I think I'm getting on the wrong plane. My ticket says Bellview.
Me: I don't know o. I’m really confused.
Airhostess: Yes, come, come. It eeez Bellview. (In Indian accent)
Me (soliloquizing): Her uniform is red and green. I thought Bellview colours were sky blue and white. Anyway make I sha reach London in one piece.
Me: My seat number is 23A please (I had specifically asked for a window seat).
Airhostess: Don’t worreee, Madam. It eez free seating. You can sit any where you like (no first class or business class).
Me: Oh ok (now more confused).

One woman almost went crazy.
Woman: Look here. How can you tell me it is free sitting when I have 6 children, all under the age of 12? We are a family we should sit together. Look at our boarding passes. They are numbered serially (in a flawless British accent). Shuo! Na whish kain mumu flight attendant be dis wan o! (In Waffi accent)
Me: Laff wan kill me! I just could not suppress the giggles.
Airhostess: Sorry, Madam.

Scene 3
More surprises.
Public Address system comes on.
Pilot: Good morning ladies and gentlemen (in Middle Eastern accent).
You are welcome aboard Egypt Air……………. (5 seconds pause) and Bellview Airlines (In a louder voice) flight 328 to London Heathrow, bla, bla, bla…….
Please listen while we take you through the safety procedure, bla, bla, bla…….
Before take of, an air freshener would be sprayed to neutralize any odours. Please cover your nose and mouth In case you are sensitive to the chemicals (I swear to God he said that) shortly after take-off we will show you a movie from our selection, to keep you entertained.
So, they sprayed the things, we took off nicely and they started the movie (Marley and Me, Jennifer Anniston). Alas, there was no audio.
Me: Excuse me. My earphones not working
Airhost (lol): Our engineers are worrrking on eet. There’s sound is not coming up.
(Please I need to describe him. He was bald with large eyes and his English sounded a lot like Arabic. Yeah, that’s it)
1 Woman: Iro lon pa o! ko ni sise(Yoruba for; he’s lying. It won’t work)
Me: I didn’t know it was general. I thought it was my earphones.

The audio never came up. So I had to imagine what Jennifer was saying. I had to imagine what Marley was saying too, but luckily he didn’t say much. Marley’s a dog!
I also had to imagine;
- Why the blankets gave off a horrible smell.
- Why the flight attendants had Air Italy on their badges.
- Why people opened the toilets and shut them again running back to their seats (some screaming)
- Why the flight attendants kept going to and from the toilet holding a big teapot(no, I didn’t drink any tea thanks)
- Why my window wouldn’t shut and the sun was burning my skin off
- Why lot of people were fanning themselves
- Why the people seated by the toilet looked so angry and were holding their noses.

The flight felt a lot longer than 5-6 hours. I thought my Swatch stopped working, but then Swatches don’t do that. Only some other watches do. When we eventually landed in London the time was 5.45 p.m and the landing was just as good as the take-off.

Anyway, so I don't spoil business for Bellview. If you enjoy suspense, adventure, bad odours, scary rides and emotional trauma, go ahead and fly Bellview after all, they are The Preferred Airline.

Watch out for part 2,lol.

Part 2
I had a very nice time, thanks to my sister, her husband, their two beautiful daughters and many other people who might be offended if I put their names here. I had fun and I rested. I had Ramadan, work and Akute -Lagos traffic on my mind. I had done my last minute shopping and said my bye-byes. I was packing my luggage when my phone rang and the following conversation ensued:

Scene1
Preparation for arrival.
Person: Good evening. May I speak with passenger Olayinka, please? (Yoruba- British accent)
Me: Speaking.
Person: I’m sorry to inform you that your flight to Lagos has been cancelled……
Me: But I have to be at work on Monday (being my very hard working self, wink).
Person: Not to worry, madam. The flight has been rescheduled for Sunday evening, so you will
be in Lagos on Monday morning.
Me: Uh…., ok? (Confused)
Person: Thanks. Bye bye (hangs up).

So, I told my sis and we started deliberating. Could it be true? It’s never happened to me before (but I used to fly B.A and Virgin, and even Virgin Nigeria when it was in existence). I later decided it was one of my friends playing pranks (Bode, I actually thought it was you) and so I called the number back.

Me: Hello. You just called me.
Person: Is that Buki? bla bla bla……….
Me: No, this is Yinka. What is my surname?
Person: Hold on a second please. ….Is it Ademuyiwa? The flight has been canc……….
Me: What’s the flight number?
Person: B3 283
Me: Ok. Thanks (I hang up feeling dejected)

I discovered it was for real. Not a prank but gross inefficiency on the part of Bellview airlines. Anyway, my sister and her family were going to a party the next day, so, it would not be a boring wait. We had fun at the party and didn’t have to worry about the time or any journey to the airport.

Scene 2
Bellview Office
The next day, I packed again and we went to the shops to get chocolates (last minute shopping again. Yeah, for you guys. I’m fasting.). Once again, my phone rang and the number looked familiar. You guessed right! Bellview again.

Person: Please, is theees passenger Olayinka Adem…….? (Indian accent this time)
Me: Yes, what is it this time?
Person: I’m sorree to say that yourrr flight has been cancelled again. Shifted to tomorrow,
Monday night. Same time.
Me: What?!, You’re joking. I mean, I’ve to go to work. Do I get any compensation for
this?
Person: I’m sorry. I’m not Bellview staff. We were only paid to make the phonecalls(beep).
You can call their office to talk to their manager about compensation.
Me: Hello,helloo.

I’ve never felt like that before. What….! To get one’s heart broken twice in the space of 24hrs.
Anyway, we went back home with the chocolates and I start sending out text messages to my family, friends and associates……FLIGHT CANCELLED AGAIN. I DO NOT KNOW WHEN I AM COMING TO NIGERIA.
PLS START LOOKING FOR ANOTHER JOB FOR ME.

The next morning, my sister, very kindly, went with me to Bellview’s office in Kilburn. We didn’t get to see their manager for the 45 minutes that we spent there (they made my sis late for work). They told us they would fly that night but they could not tell us the exact time for check-in or take-off. One nice supervisor (Mr. Olusakin, or so) endorsed my ticket and also tried to polish their already very tarnished image in his lovely Yoruba accent (not in the least influenced by working in London). My sis (a lawyer b.t.w) asked him if I would get any compensation (in her correct British phoneh) and it took him another 10 minutes to explain that I might not get any compensation. We had to leave before he finished, though, because we were sure that they wouldn’t pay for our parking ticket. My sis went to work and I, back to her house.

Scene 3
At the Airport
We got to the airport at 6.30.p.m to check in for a 9.45.p.m flight. The queue was “3 days long”. Saturday people, Sunday people and the original Monday people. My 7 year old niece said she’d never seen so many African people in one gathering. We were all in a dilemma. Some other passengers who didn’t get any phone call had been taken to a hotel by Bellview airlines only to be sent out later because Bellview didn’t pay.

I felt so sorry for a group of 80 children (and their care givers/teachers) who were visiting the U.K for the first time on excursion. We finally started to check-in around 8.00.p.m. The Saturday people (my category) first, then Sunday people and finally a handful of Monday people (in my opinion, they might have bribed their way through). I had dinner with my sis and family at one of the restaurants at Heathrow (they were really kind to stay with me through the whole ordeal). They went home wishing me luck and leaving me to my fate as, I walked through the boarding gate. The time was 9.30p.m.

All the passengers had come through the boarding gates by 12.p.m (yes, boarding took that long).
We couldn’t even eat nor do any shopping because all the duty-free shops had closed. We were subjected to compulsory socializing or compulsory sleep. I chose the option of talking to my self.

We finally boarded the aircraft at 2.42a.m (that was Tuesday). Same Egypt airplane, same cabin crew (not very good looking or maybe I was just tired). The food was good though (or maybe I was just very hungry, lol). I don’t want to scare you, but I think the flight was very bumpy, noisy (grinding sounds) and shaky.

Scene 4
Finally in 9j.
We finally landed in Nigeria at around 8.a.m on Tuesday morning. First thing I did was read a whole chapter of the Quran (I confess, a short one) to thank God for his mercies. Then, I called my boss.
Me: Good morning Sir. We just landed.
Oga: hmmmm. Ok. Welcome. You can go home
Me: (near tears). What sir? I’m fired?
Oga: (laughing) No, go home and rest. See you tomorrow.
Me: Thank you sir. God bless you
Oga: You’re welcome. Next time don’t fly Bellview o!

Little did I, know that the drama wasn’t over. One of their staff came to tell us” SORRY YOUR BAGS HAVE NOT ARRIVED, PLS COME ON WEDNESDAY”
Gotta go. I’m off to the airport to look for my luggage!

P.S. Do you think I should seek legal compensation from Bellview?

my dear DEJI, my big sis, my niece[flash=200,200]http://[/flash][flash=200,200][/flash]