₦airaland Forum

vivalableue: I've been looking online and found this site. At first I learned a lot from the different forums, but eventually found myself to be really disturbed by the amount of animosity between Nigerian Women and pretty much all foreign women, especially Jamaican and African American women. Now I'm not American, but I know that the women down there have a problem when their men date any other race but black. Is this the same thing?

A little about me, Half-Jamaican, Half-Indian all Canadian woman, intelligent, college educated, God-fearing, hard-working, family oriented person. But, according to some threads, if I were to date or marry a Nigerian man, he must be trying to get something out of me, or my father didn't love me enough for me to search for a man from my own country/culture.

I think that makes no sense whatsoever!!! We are all first of all BLACK WOMEN, meaning that we are the least respected group in the world, if not, one of the bottom 5 after Muslim Arab Males. (not to insult Muslim Arab Males) WE need to be encouraging each other to better ourselves, to help our families to succeed and not be considered a bane to world society in general.

Now, I'm not saying there aren't cultural differences between our African, American, or even Caribbean sisters, but I guarantee there are strong similarities in all. Yes, we need to protect and transmit our cultural traditions to our children lest they forget, but that doesn't mean that we cannot embrace another one too!

I personally find such a fondness towards Nigerian culture in general because it is so similar to mine. I'm Jamaican, which means I'm outspoken, family oriented( by the way, Jamaican families are fiercely loyal, very traditional and have extremely close bonds even with general relatives), and I love a great party. I'm Indian, which means that I possess a certain intelligence and logic, I am a humble, submissive wife in waiting (I kid you not!) and again I love love love a great party. Finally, I am Canadian, which means that I have the opportunities to meet different cultures(my closest friends are Russian, Jamaican/Portuguese/Jewish, Ethiopian, Sri Lankan and Italian), I value education (especially since its free) and we love a great party (on occasion).

All this to say Nigerian women, sometimes your male counterparts come to my country and meet girls like me, that doesn't mean that I opened up my legs to him, or that I don't nag him, or even that I'm a hopeless romantic. It means that he saw in me, the very thing he sees in his african queens, and maybe something more!

Viva

I can see where you are coming from, however that "something more" comment contradicts your entire post. Why does it have to be something more. If he sees in you want he wants that is asweome period. Let's go with what you said, which is not to compare, contrast or compete. I agree with most of your post though. The last line didn't sit well with me.

alutacontinua: Has she secured the admission yet? It depends on the life-goals of the two of you. If you're both determined to make it, with proper planning and focus, you definitely can. I know of a couple who did same, in this case, the lady was the graduate and the guy a secondary school leaver. But they were both smart enough to know what they want and planned properly for it. It wasn't easy but the guy is now a lawyer, almost done with his masters and doing just fine.

Note: all these happened after they got married.
So, my point: if you're ready to spend the rest of your life with her and you love her enough to go through the rough road, all you need is proper planning and you will both get there. GOOD LUCK!

Solid advice!

[quote author=D-mouthed]Thanks for the advice though! What I haven't made you is the fact that we met on FACEBOOK 2009 and we have been charting both on BBM, WHATSAPP and others, she has assisted me several times on accademic things since she knows some of the relevant lecturers in my department. Well she is so tall and big, that I like but she lacks the BACK side of the equation. I have actually been telling my mind I can deal with that but on the other side I feel incomplete because its not what I have always pictured and you know what happens when you look good as a guy and doing well, some kind of choice is always expected of you. I had been toasting since that 2009, of which she gave a condition that I must visit her in her house of which I did August 2012. And ever after she saw me she has been the one following up on me. We started going out late last year but the whole thing is going so fast, that's y I came up with this opinion-poll/suggestion! However, to those that have handled this issue like its their's God bless you and to others God bless u too and teach you to apply wisdom on serious things! Thanks once again![/quote]You mean she has a small butt? All she has to do are squats and lunges with weights. That is so not an issue. Save yourself hard ache and just workout with her. You don't have a problem.

www.loveamaka.com

[quote author=D-mouthed]Thanks for the advice though! What I haven't made you is the fact that we met on FACEBOOK 2009 and we have been charting both on BBM, WHATSAPP and others, she has assisted me several times on accademic things since she knows some of the relevant lecturers in my department. Well she is so tall and big, that I like but she lacks the BACK side of the equation. I have actually been telling my mind I can deal with that but on the other side I feel incomplete because its not what I have always pictured and you know what happens when you look good as a guy and doing well, some kind of choice is always expected of you. I had been toasting since that 2009, of which she gave a condition that I must visit her in her house of which I did August 2012. And ever after she saw me she has been the one following up on me. We started going out late last year but the whole thing is going so fast, that's y I came up with this opinion-poll/suggestion! However, to those that have handled this issue like its their's God bless you and to others God bless u too and teach you to apply wisdom on serious things! Thanks once again![/quote]You mean she has a small butt? All she has to do are squats and lunges with weights. That is so not an issue. Save yourself hard ache and just workout with her. You don't have a problem.

www.loveamaka.com

Well love is not the only thing that matters but is the only that will sustain you once you get married. See the money, car, kids, etc. will not make you happy. I feel like a broken record...think about married couples you know that have kids and are still unhappy. How many with car, trucks, money and are still unhappy? All these things help to make marriage fun and entertaining, however, if you want a good marriage you need love at the foundation! After love, communication, trust, loyalty and compromise. Once you have those in place your marriage will be unbreakable. Keep you disagreements between husband and wife...do NoT tell a third party including your pastor/priest/mother/father/bestfriend. Don't open your mouth except to talk to your spouse.

Check out my blog at www.loveamaka.com for more information on relationships and marriage.

[quote author=Mynd_44]How much will you pay me to click on that?[/quote]Because Oprah hasn't called yet. Ok wait....I'm coming. Lol!

biolabee: yes you are too sensitive


definition of conjugal right

conjugal rights noun plural
: the sexxual rights or privileges implied by and involved in the marriage relationship : the right of sexxual intercourse between husband and wife

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/conjugal?show=1&t=1371302400

1 Cor 7 : 3 - 5 Amplified

I hear you...doesn't sound romantic...at all!

SLIDE waxie: dude, before, 'yes' but now? never!!!

u wanna knw why?

before, i used to, and she be like thinkin i was flaunting, not knwin i dnt feel easy keeping it inside. so, once, last yr, she threatened to leave if it continues. so, scared, i went on a "never kiss and tell" cos i dnt wanna loose ma jewel for some fake jewelries!!!

though, most girls i do knw we are in it for fucck's sake so, we kinda cool

So why compromise the real Jewels or the fake ones?

secondmonkier: I desire a very peaceful marriage and don't pray for separation or divorce but with all the love-turned-sour stories we read everyday I am beginning to get scared of marriage.
I know there are still some good marriages out there (e.g my parents), but the ratio of failure to success is very high.
And I am worried that if someone misses it initially, then it would be trouble continua.
Are you scared of marriage? How can one fight the fear of marriage?

The true is, it is completely natural to be a bit afraid. The fact that you are thinking about having a peaceful marriage is step one. When looking for your mate make sure she possess the peaceful qualities that you are seeking. Don't marry a firecracker and complain later. Try a find like-minding person who believes in peace, understanding and reasonable. Don't go for stubborn, block-headed girl who has no concept of compromise and negotiation. In marriage you will surely have disagreements, it's the ability to understand, compromise and say "nne, dearest I'm sorry oo". Good luck, you will be fine because our mind is in the right direction.


www.loveamaka.com

SLIDE waxie: ^^
Hey dasparrow,
did u knw that not everyone exerience the same family problems as urs?

U are sooooooo bitter u kept eating sugar for breakfast, and glucose for supper!

Your heart soooo dark 1,000 alogen street lights won't light it up!

So dead a walkin being that zombies get jealous!

U-are-a-dead-thing-going-rotten!

Wow, I hate to hear what you say to your enemies. Take it easy ooo.

Whoopie: Hmmm. Divided opinion as I expected. I guess the world is moving on a fast pace, because I personally am finding it difficult to wrap my head around someone using a gadget to pleasure himself or herself, when the real thing dey there, lol. What if one of the partners objects nko? Would the other still go ahead to use it, knowing it's not by mutual consent? Anyway, I'm just learning, so opinions are welcome.

At Babyosisi, lol at your friend in denial.

If one objects that is the only time it is any issue. Both should go back to the drawing board and find out how to please the one that wanted the toys.

chaircover: People hear the word sexx toy and automatically picture a woman with a huge viibrator doing her biz while hubby looks on bewildered.

Not so!! Sextoys could be anything . . .flavoured cd's, flavored lube, body paint, sleeves, rings, sexy lingerie . . .anything!

One of my naughtier and more vocal friends said the best xmas present he bought his wife was a rabbit. She was sitting there too with a grin on her naughty face.

IMO A married couple can do whatever they like in the privacy of their bedroom so long as they both are up for it and its not one just sided and the couple are both on the same page. I wouldnt condemn a couple who both decide to jazz up things in the bedroom if that what they both want to do. This is the one person you are "allowed" to have sexx with for the rest of your life, so they should do things that they both enjoy. Each to their own.

Well said on every point!!!!!!!

Nashville: I completely agree with your solution. Hopefully this will help. But the mother sef get problem. How can you come to a married couple's house and tell them they cannot have sex while you are around. I mean, does the woman even listen to herself? You tell your a married woman, it is rude to have sex with her own husband. Who should the man have sex with instead? This is how people destroy their own children's homes.

Poster, you can suggest the solution above, but let your wife know you cannot stay for two months without sex with her sleeping next to you every night. If she insists, then she should come up with ways of ensuring you enjoy sex while she is on sabatical!

You were on track until you mentioned sabbatical. Lol

PureOhio: I’m happily married with two young kids ages 2 and 4. We stay in a 2-bedroom apartment and usually leave the connecting door ajar so that if the kids wake up during the night they may have access to our room to seek comfort, which is very frequent especially during these noisy thunder storms.

[img]http://1.bp..com/-9AtlvRnVf8k/Ubm6isv0wRI/AAAAAAABxI8/RaYPdgDgh18/s1600/black-couple-arguing-pf3-378x309.jpg[/img]

My problem started with the arrival of my mother-in-law, less than a week ago to spend 2 months. Of course, she sleeps with her grand kids in their room. This doesn’t stop them from frequenting our room during the night, so the door is still left ajar. Much to my amazement, my wife has now told me that she will no longer allow us to copulate during the time her mother is with us. She said her mum scolded her and feels we are rude to engage in lovemaking knowing fully well that she is in the adjoining room.

My wife has always feared her mum so it is impossible for me to convince her that this is her house, not her mum’s. I don’t see myself going one week without sex, talk less of 2 months! Is it my fault that the bed creaks or that my wife has to make noise at her height of ecstasy?
I feel that my mother-in-law is being very intrusive and insensitive and I’m prepared to talk to her and ask her to leave if she insists on tormenting my wife, but I know that my wife won’t find it
funny at all. What should I do?

- Culled from LindaIkeji.

Just close the door since you mother in law is there with the kids. How many thunderstorm is happening in one week.

dayokanu: Let the guy carry the erecction to show the Mother In law

or ask the Mother In law directly that what is he supposed to do or does it make sense to her that her daughter is failing to do her marital duty using her as the excuse

Why do you have to say marital duty! Too harsh it's not a duty...it's lovemaking. Sweet good old fashion love making. Duty sounds like she go to work. Maybe I'm too sensitive.

coogar: in that case, mother-in-law has to vamoose!
after collecting my yams and the other stuff included in the brideprice? where did she think her grandkids came from? oyingbo market??

Very funny!

SLIDE waxie: can we click on the link too?

Yes ooo. Please support your naija sista.

[quote author=D-mouthed]I have a lady I love so much n she love me too, She has all the good qualities of a marriable woman and she is doing well carreer wise, but she does not have the physical structure of a woman I had in mind.
Now my Biggest fear is infidelity in marriage, I don't wanna do that at all, but if I go ahead to marry her, that which I fear may happen but if I leave her, I don't know if I will find a woman that will return my love and respect me too.

Married men and women pls I need ur advise?[/quote]I truly appreciate your honesty for a number of reasons. The first thing you should know is that we eat with our eyes first. However, love is the only thing that can endure and withstand the test of time. You are among the lucky people in the world who can actually say they have found true love. What is the physical structure that you want? Is she over weight, has one leg and one arm, short, tall. If the physical structure something that she can change? If the answer is yes then you don't have a problem. If the answer is no, then you have to decide whether your undying love for her is worth more than the physical structure. The fact that you could love her despite the physical structure says to me that she is really a woman to hold on to. Love should keep you home. Don't marry her if you plan on cheating on her...don't make her a miserable wife please.

Kiara and Max have been sleeping together for 8 months now. Max has told her multiple times that he doesn’t want anything more than what they have now. The “friends with benefits”, “no strings attached” status is just fine with him. Kiara wants more out of this exchange, but is afraid to ask Max for more, because she is feels that he will no longer want to be with her. She’s afraid she will lose him permanently if she makes her concerns public to him. Kiara is starting feeling used by him and she is beginning to feel that she is not worthy of a man she can call her own. What advice would you give Kiara? How many of you can relate to Kiara?

www.loveamaka.com

makelove2m: In Nigeria, love only exist in the lip, To keep a woman as a friend is just playing a big bet in Casino, What Love mean to them is how much you have and ready to spend, i have been previlaged to visit other African countries, i come to conclusion that Nigerian girls measures love to them by how much you have and ready to spend with them, so i do not beleive that love exist among Nigerian girls, like the story herein,girl seem comfortable with the guy around her just because of much money the guy spoiled around them not that love exist,, Girls please don't take this in a bad light but, you can hardly see a girl that claim to have loved a man and that the man is caring without the man spending more on the girl, ....In Nigeria you can only buy love with money or you die lonely............Ask the single and poor/jobless guys around you

There is still hope. I think more and more women will realize that going to a loveless marriage is more difficult than it appears.

I was talking to a girlfriend not too long ago and she was trying to determine whether she should give this new guy she had met a chance. He was attractive, paid his own bills, had a job he's been at for years (construction worker). She said he was fun and that she looked forward to speaking with him on the phone. Overall, he was a good guy. They spend countless hours on the phone and those conversations continued when they met face-to-face. Oh, there's just one thing she said “he didn't graduate from high school." I'd like to give you some background information on my girlfriend. She has her BA and a Master's degree. She comes from a well-educated, middle class family. She says to me "well,what do you think?" Without skipping a beat, I asked her, if he came to pick her up in a Ferrari and took her on dates at an exclusive restaurant would his degree matter?" She thought about it for a moment and said "no". I asked her, if she would prefer the jerk with the medical degree? I can hear some woman saying " yes, I'll take the jerk with the degree. " To make the long story short, she stays with him and tells me, that the only reason she second guessed her relationship with him, was because of what other people would think or say. For example, one of her friends asked her, " what kind of conversation can you really have with a high school dropout?" I said to her " seems like you two can't stop talking to one another."

The moral of the story is, women should choose happiness over everything else. Don't let a " high school degree "get in the way of your happiness. I'm not saying that you should just settle. If the man was living with his mother, asking you to pay his bills or couldn't hold your interest,then I would understand if you looked elsewhere. In this situation, he is paying his own bills, has his own place, and is responsible; he decided not to bring children in the world unless he was married to their mother. It seems like women may not be asking themselves the right questions. Does he make me happy? Do I care more about what others think, than what I'm feeling?

In this world, consider yourself lucky to find that person that keeps you hungry for more. Many women say they can't find a good man they want. Sometimes the good man you are seeking may be staring you right in the face. Think about a potential man who you are overlooking because of superficial things. Determine if he is really a good person; do you have chemistry?

Keep an open mind!

www.loveamaka.com

Ultimux: All you have said is theory but in practical term things are different. Your assertion about mom and dad looking at each other's eye with love and affection is purely based on a flawed assumption. How do you explain majority of this same dad that have more than one wife or that keep mistresses everywhere.
Marrying for love is a good thing no doubt but when you take away the comfort, the companionship and the procreation aspect you may find it difficult to sustain that love.
Majority of marriages today are first based on love...especially for the men. A man won't ordinarily want to marry a woman he doesn't love but with the passage of time people tend to have a different perspective of what the definition of love is.
You are lucky to have kids already hence your sermon. Go and ask some couples facing infertility challenge and you will be baffled by the tale of how the woman or man or both have become a shadow of themselves.
Love goes out the window when challenges start coming in. Life is not always fair. Unless a couple decides to shut the opinion of outsiders out of their lives they may have to review the definition of love every time they have challenges.
Secondly, yes marrying a best friend is the best option because he knows your story and can support you in times when you really need them.
As long as we live in a society where people have expectations and parents/families already have an idea how we should live our lives even before we turn 18, our decision on who and why to marry sometimes will be coloured by other people's wishes.
Finally, i will marry for love, companionship, procreation(cos my madam loves babies so so much) and to do right by her.

My comment about parents staring into each other's eyes is not as an uncommon as you may think. Parents show each other affection in different ways; the sentiment behind what I was saying is love can withstand the test of time and drama if the two people involved will focus on that. I am quite aware of families mingle and inciting issues in marriages, that happens when the wife or the husband opens their mouth to tell them in the first place. Your family can never give you an unbiased answer so why go to them for help in the first place. The same people giving advice do not live in a happy marriage in the first place. Yes, I agree with you life isn't fair, there are families who are struggling to have children and other issues, I firmly believe that if you really understand the meaning of unconditional love, the couple will survive and be respected for it.

I disagree with the idea that you have to marry who your parents wants you to marry. Perhaps, I've been living in the states too long so I will withhold my stance on that. All, I can say is if you marry for anything other than love, be prepared to suffer because all marriages will be tested. If you are hoping that kids will make your marriage stronger you are sadly mistaken. Kids will test your marriage, they will push you to your breaking point, you will loved them to death don't get me wrong, but ask any parent with children. If your marriage is weak with no solid foundation, throwing kids into the mix will only push the couple apart.

My advice: marry for love, have kids (if God says so), enjoy the companionship of your best friend. Keep noisy family and friends out of your business (whether is good or bad). Don't complain to about your spouse to anyone. Go to your spouse and talk to him/her yourself. If you can both agree to keep things to between you, you will live happily ever after.

Princessmel: All of you saying no, why not? What If they promise never to do it again? Or maybe they even cheated to provide for you from alhaji?

very funny!!

mentorken05: from ur defintition of prostitution,hmmmmm... dat means dat all ladies are prostitutes...evn d one wif boyfrnds and fiancees

Not at all. When you are in a relationship you have sex because you want to, not because you are getting something in return. I hope it is more clear. There is not expectations of payment for sex when you are in a relationship.

@ MRbrownJAY, I haven't stopped laughing! You are really funny and I see your points. Trust me I understand that men want sex quite often, I am also saying that not all men cheat! I will not accept your premise that all men cheat, it is not a fact. There are men who are mature and reasonable enough to withhold from cheating on their wives. Look I don't agree with the fact that women let themselves go after marriage and child birth. I am a big proponent on keeping it as sexy as you can especially after marriage and childbirth. At the same time, the woman cannot do it all, a reasonable man will understand that carrying a baby for 9 months is not easy. If he can help out a little perhaps she can go to the gym or do some exercise to get into shape. Listen, men are still human beings, the way you paint the picture is like they are unreasonable animals. I have 3 beautiful children and have been married for 8 years. I look better now then I ever did, because my husband makes time for me to go to the gym and take care of myself. He is what I would consider a reasonable man who understands life. True partnership doesn't end in the bedroom, if you cheat on her in the bedroom, you have lost her loyalty in all other areas. I hope I am clear, I get it, men want different type, blah, blah, blah...but a reasonable, mature man understands that marriage has hills and valleys (ups and downs). Don't abandon (cheat) on your wife because you are crossing the valley, remember the hill will come again. Be patient, teach her and let her teach you, don't assume the man knows it all.

Once a day should not be misinterpreted. The idea is that as much as you both are comfortable with is really the recommended guidelines. Why someone would marry someone they are not attracted to baffles me. We eat with our eyes first...then we get to know the person. If the person is horrendous to you, I would keep walking in a different direction. The truth of the matter is, in the context of a marriage love is what keeps both partners from cheating. It is true that sex can diminish after marriage, child birth stress of life etc. But a man who loves his wife will be be faithful and be willing to learn and try new things to bring spice into the bedroom. All the things you listed about Monday rough Tuesday soft Wednesday outside etc is all fun, point well taken, but if she Is willing he has to meet her half way. Keep in mind that he needs to satisfy her too!! Husbands who have tons of sex, I'm guessing know they are doing to keep their wives coming back for more...time and time again. The advice is not about how to please your husband...you missed the point about how to please your wife. Women want it just as much as men. Just ask any woman that has an organism at each encounter.

I am a certified counselor in America (New York). BA in psychology and a Masters in Counseling. I deal with teenagers in schools but often times I end up counseling families because the situations are connected. I started a blog called Love Amaka. (www.loveamaka.com), because of my friends and family are constantly asking me questions about relationships and marriage.. To be quiet honest, if we as Nigerians are more open to professional counseling with someone completely neutral and seasoned, then we can truly be happy in our marriages. The idea is to know yourself first and foremost before seeking to be married to anyone. While age is always a big issue in our "land" we need to take our time in choosing a compatible partner in the first place. Arranged marriages, forgive me in advance for saying this is an outdated concept (read my blog on what I think about them and why they were useful at the time). With the increase in technology, Nigerians are more exposed to the Western world. We learn some good and some bad that comes from this end of the world. The good news is you can absolutely marry for pure love as a baseline. Everything else will and can be worked on once you know that you are marrying your best friend.

To be continued...

Www.loveamaka.com

My mother said it was simple to keep a man; you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a LovePeddler in the bedroom. I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit. ~Jerry Hall

There is nothing more special than the bond between people who love and adore each other. When this love is expressed physically, nothing can be more rewarding and stimulating (literally). The rules are simple, know what your partner likes and doesn’t like. Please don’t guess, ask, and then investigate just to be sure. Partners, please tell, and explain to your significant others what you prefer and how you prefer it. Don’t hold back! You only have one life, so what exactly are you waiting for.

Tips for men: Connect with her emotionally. If she is feeling good she will be more than happy to make you feel really “good”. By the way, she enjoys it just as much as you do, so make sure she is having a good time! Don’t be selfish.

Tips for women: Pretend like it is food. He needs “it” for survival so don’t let the poor man starve to death. Once a day, keeps the doctor away.

What do you think about physical intimacy?

www.loveamaka.com

Why are you giving women money in the first place. If you take a women out on a date and you pay for it knowing that you want sex in the end, something is wrong with you. If the women accepts your date knowing that you want sex in the end something is wrong with her. If you both mutual agree that you just want sex but she will collect money at the end it's still prostitution. Prostitution, is prostitution whether you paid for it with dinner, check, shopping spree...before or after the deed was done...doesn't matter much. If you both agree to sex without any exchange of any goods or money then do your thing....satisfy your need as you see fit. I have to agree with you that woman will settle for the shopping spree to make themselves feel better.

www.loveamaka.com

Thanks!!!

It is really sad to hear folks reduce marriage to procreation. If can remember when you were little watching your mom and dad stare into each other's eyes with love and affection. Marry for pure LOVE!!! That is the only thing that will get your through the rough times that all marriages encounter. You need to marry your best friend, the person who you cannot stand to be without for a few minutes. I just called my best friend (a.k.a my man, my husband) a few minutes ago to tell him that I was thinking about it. We've been married for 8 years and have 3 beautiful children. I only mention my family to really send a message that you can have all those superficial things later on, but the basis of your marriage should be nothing less than LOVE! Do not settle for anything less than LOVE!!

www.loveamaka.com