₦airaland Forum

Man:
"Want to Dance?"

Woman:
"No, thank you."

Man:
"Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

lol
but you would av loved it if i waz hiting at the guys innit?
c'mon.

Q: Why do women have periods?

A: Because they deserve them!

gunpoint:
u wer due to b hangd last wk, y r u stil postn on MY land?

werabts--
ituen-commander of my somali forces(receivin treatmnt 4 a broken blabla in thailand)
tufe-shot dead whil tryn to get in2 nytnurse's undies by my galant forces
migs-last i heard wz in d uncharted regions of d 9ja-delta, bt we wil find him nd he wil pay!!!(cant rmbr wat 4 nw exactly, bt he has to pay)
holythug-faild T.B jousha apprentice africa, tryn out guru maharaj apprentice ibadan nw(nd wil fail again)
jeovy-jeovy-jeovy--undergoin a 3yr sucide bomber militant trainin 4 me in swat valley for 1 sucide mission to warri, tompolo's camp 5(no b only dem get explosives)

who else do u wana knw abt?

ha aha ha , , , , ur 1 he11 0f a guy

If it's green and moving, it's biology
If it's smoky and stinks, it's chemistry
If it doesn't work no matter what, it's physics.

Three gay athletes, a baseball player, a
basketball player, and a football player were
sitting together in a hot tub discussing their
professions and everything they liked about the
sport that they play. The football player said,
"I just love football because I get hit and rub
up against all those big sweaty guy's and it just
turns me on. That’s what I like about football."

The gay basketball player said, " Oh, that's the
same thing with me, I just love all those big
sweaty guy's rubbing up against me too, that's
what I like about basketball."

The gay baseball player said, " Well I like it
when I'm in a game and it's the 9th inning,
there's 2 out's, the score is tied, and I'm up to
bat and the pitcher has a full count on me and
winds up and throws his best fast-ball at me and
I hit it hard and the crowd yells GOOOO! GOOOO!,
and I'm rounding 1st,the crowd yells GOOOO!
GOOOO!, and I'm rounding 2nd, the crowd yells
GOOOO! GOOOO!, and I'm rounding 3rd, the crowd
yells GOOOO! GOOOO!, but the 3rd base coach says
NO! NO!, but I go anyway all the way to home and
slide head first, and when the dust clears the
umpire yells "YOUR OUT!" Then the crowd yells,
"COCKSUCKERRRRR!" Then he says to his friends,
"It's that recognition that I like."

clemcykul:
lol miggie, keep em coming kinna missed u

good to be around!

ashaby:
@poster
Migi the Migines, long tym. How far now? miss ya real gud!

eeeerrrrr. . . . . mist y'all

A guy receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl
from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives
at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the
upper corner of the stadium; he's closer to the
Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway
through the first quarter he sees through his
binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field,
right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a
chance and makes his way through the stadium and
around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down he ask the gentleman sitting next
to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The
man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a
great seat for the game, he again inquires of the
man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their
right mind would have a seat like this at the
Super Bowl and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat
belongs to me. I was suppose to come with my wife,
but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl
we haven't been together at, since we got married.

Well, "Thats really sad, but still, you couldn't
find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close
relative?'

"No," the man replies, "They're all at the
funeral."

An architect, an artist and a programmer were
discussing whether it was better to have a wife
or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his
mistress, because of the passion and mystery he
found there.

The programmer said, "I prefer to have both."

"Both?"

Programmer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a
mistress, they will each assume you are spending
time with the other woman, and you can go to the
office and get some work done."

A man is out for his morning jog on the beach,
he's jogging along when off in the distance he
hears what sounds like a lady crying. He
follows the sound and sure enough he comes across
a woman with no arms and no legs. She's lying on
the beach crying.

"What's the matter, why are you crying?" he asks.

She says, "Well, you see kind sir, I have no arms
and no legs, and nobody loves me. I've never
even been hugged before!" she says through her
sobbing.

So the kind man says "Don't worry, ma'am, I'll
hug you," as he lays down next to her and gives
her a hug. She stops crying and he gets up to
finish his jog.

Next day, same man is jogging down the beach
again, and off in the distance he hears the same
crying sound coming from afar. So he jogs on
over to locate the sobbing sounds, and sure
enough it's the same woman with no arms and no
legs.

"What's the matter now, " he asks. "Yesterday
you said you were crying because you have never
been hugged, and I hugged you. So why are you
still crying?"

"Well, " she says, " You see, because of my
condition I've never been kissed before either."

The man bends down and plants one square on her
lips and they kiss. He gets back up to continue
his jog and leaves the woman with a smile on her
face.

Two days later, the same man is jogging on the
beach again, and sure enough he hears the same
crying sound off in the distance. "This is
getting ridiculous," he says to himself as he
tries to find her once again.

When he locates the woman, he asks her yet again
why she's crying. He reiminds her that he hugged
her as she asked, and also kissed her as she
wanted. "So what's the matter now?", he asks.

"Well you see kind sir," she says, "Not only have
I never been hugged or kissed before, because of
my condition I've never been bleeped before
either!"

The man bends over and scoops up this woman with
no arms and no legs, and brings her towards the
water's edge, and throws her in the water.

"Now you're bleeped!"

leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidiz!

@all who tht it waz too long
i just hope it was worth it. . . . .
@clem
perfect girl!
i'm envious of you. . . . . . .>20,000 post! and still counting

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.

"YES SIR!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.

"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"

"YES SIR!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.

"YES SIR!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "Bleep YOU SIR!"

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.

"John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good."

"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this. I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work. I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again. Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall."

Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?"

"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what, if you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya

Stupid Questions


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest,

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you UnCloth?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

Biggest Lies


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is the biggest collection, of the world's biggest lies ever told,

The check is in the mail.

I'll respect you in the morning.

I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

It's only a cold sore.

You get this one, I'll pay next time.

My wife doesn't understand me.

Trust me, I'll take care of everything.

Of course I love you.

I am getting a divorce.

Drinking? Why, no, Officer.

I never inhaled.

It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

I never watch television except for PBS.

, but we can still be good friends.

She means nothing to me.

Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

I gave at the office.

Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

I'll call you later.

We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.

Read my lips: no new taxes.

I've never done anything like this before.

Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.

It's supposed to make that noise.

I *love* your new _____!

, then take a left. You can't miss it.

Yes, I did.

Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile.

Graffiti Wisdom


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area,

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, Ariz.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
* Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's,
Phoenix, Ariz.

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed
Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's,
Beverly Hills, CA

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
* Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Best Left Unsaid


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Store employees put up with a lot of shit. When jerks come into their store treating them like crap, there is a lot that goes through an employees mind they just can't just say without loosing their jobs,

You are obviously smarter than me, so if YOU can't figure it out, what the hell makes you think I can?

No, sir, I'm not hard-of-hearing, neither am I stupid. You just don't speak good English.

Do you notice that your bad behaviour is embarrassing your wife?

Do you want me to go ahead and call the manager, or do you want me to wait till you're REALLY pissed off?

I can tell you right now I'm not going to give you very good service, because I think you're drunk or possibly on drugs, and frankly, you scare the hell out of me.

No, sir, I can't do math in my head, but I can spell diarrhea.

I realize I'm ignoring you, but you're in here every three days with your bratty kid and you never buy anything you don't return.

Shame on you for using such language in front of your children.

You've been waiting 30 minutes? Why didn't you use the time to find it yourself?

If I were as smart as you THINK I should be, I'd be making a lot more money than I am now.

Don't complain about the fucking line up and then fumble through your purse for 5 minutes when you finally have your order taken.

Ahhhh thanks for that tip chief, maybe I can make a fucking phone call now!

No, really, I want you to call me every day to ask what time we close when we are open 24 hours a day.

Please bring in your fucking dirty cans and bottles that are filled with cigarette butts, piss, cockroaches, ants, And yes, you do have to put your nasty shit on a box, because ill be dammed if I touch that.

Oh yes, please let me search out that item that we haven't had for eight years and then bitch to me for a half hour about how we had it yesterday. We didn't, asshole!

Should I hand you the fries or shove them up your fat ass?

So you want a combo, but you want onion rings instead of fries, a stake instead of a burger, and you want a can of pop instead of fountain pop, WELL IT AIN'T A FUCKING COMBO NO MORE!!!

Well now that you've ordered your large popcorn with extra butter and 2 large chocolate bars, I'm sure that the large DIET coke will really do you some good and cancel out the 10,000 calories you are about to eat while you sit on your ass and do sweet Bleep all nothing for the next two hours.

You're an idiot. So are your kids.

You know I am off work and yet you insist on motioning to me, Well for some reason I have gone blind and can't see you. Dink!

Maybe you should buy a full length mirror before buying all that junk food.

What the Bleep are you standing around staring at the menu for, jackass?!?!? We've had the same goddamn menu for 25 years. Get the fucking quarter pounder!

Don't complain about the fucking line up if you have had the past 15 minutes to get your money ready and your only now fumbling through your bottomless purse for money. Get organized you old, useless, inconsiderate, ungrateful, sack of shit.

We're closed dumb Bleep, that's why I didn't take your order when you pulled through my drive thru!

No I won't make your sandwich without pickles, you can eat what the rest of fucking America likes!

Will you get out of my store so that I may clean up your fucking mess, so that I can go home?

I don't mind helping you Sir/Madame, but please go home and take a BATH!!!

OK dumbass, it was a choice of paper OR plastic. Not a combination thereof, just paper or friggin' plastic. Do you honestly think I care about the arse of your bags ripping?

No you slowpoke, I don't work here! I'm only here because I like to wear this name tag, sweep floors and hang around 10 to 12 hours a day for the fun of it!

You don't like the new layout of the store? OK, well Bleep off to another supermarket. I don't give a shit.

The food will never look like it does in the pictures. The food in the picture was plastic.

Jesus loves you!
(everyone else thinks you're a jerk!)

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as
long as you live.

W.C. Fields

What did the blonde do when she went to the
movies and saw the "NC-17 (under 17 not
admitted)" sign.

she went home and got 16 friends.

An English professor wrote the words,
"woman without her man is a savage"
on the blackboard and directed his
students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote:
"Woman, without her man, is a savage."

The women wrote:
"Woman: Without her, man is a savage."

clemcykul:
u mean the towel we used yesternite?

CLEM!?
hope ed a'int wat im thinking.

clemcykul:
tnks dear

damn girl! over 20,000 posts you's da real deal. but wats the rumour bout'tu leaving NL never really got to read the postg well cuz the picture didnt load. but girl, a knw you gat to stay. . . . . . innit?

sexyLeamon:
I love that one

anything dat hits back at dem brovaz ryte?

lysaa2:
Mahn, I got things going for me outside here so i step in to catch some fun when free. . plus connectivity problem and one jara has been added, i lost my privilege of posting with my real id.

u aint doing badly at all. . keep ur flag flying high bro.

thanks lysaa. . .

What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.

A man and his wife had been stranded on
a deserted island for many years.

The morning following a bad storm, a new
guy washes up on the shore. The new guy
and the wife are very attracted to each
other right away, but realize certain
protocols will have to be observed. The
husband, however, is very glad to see
the second man there.

"Now we will be able to have three
people doing 8-hour shifts in the
watchtower, rather than two people doing
12-hour shifts."

The second man is only too happy to help
and in fact volunteers to do the first
shift. He climbs up the tower and stands
watch, observing the ocean horizon for
any ships. Soon the husband and wife
start placing stones in a circle in
order to make a fire to cook supper. The
second man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"

They look at each other and yell back:
"We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put
driftwood into the stone circle. Again
the second man yells down: "Heeey, no
screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not
screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on
the roof to their shack to patch leaks.
Once again the second man yells down
from high above: "Hey, I said no
screwing!!"

They yell back "We said we're not
screwing!!"

Finally the shift is over and the second
man climbs down from the tower and the
husband starts to climb up. He's only
half-way up and the wife and the second
man are screwing their brains out. Once
he reaches the top, the husband looks
out from the tower and says:
"WOW. From up here it DOES
look like they're screwing."

A man and his wife had been stranded on
a deserted island for many years.

The morning following a bad storm, a new
guy washes up on the shore. The new guy
and the wife are very attracted to each
other right away, but realize certain
protocols will have to be observed. The
husband, however, is very glad to see
the second man there.

"Now we will be able to have three
people doing 8-hour shifts in the
watchtower, rather than two people doing
12-hour shifts."

The second man is only too happy to help
and in fact volunteers to do the first
shift. He climbs up the tower and stands
watch, observing the ocean horizon for
any ships. Soon the husband and wife
start placing stones in a circle in
order to make a fire to cook supper. The
second man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"

They look at each other and yell back:
"We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put
driftwood into the stone circle. Again
the second man yells down: "Heeey, no
screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not
screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on
the roof to their shack to patch leaks.
Once again the second man yells down
from high above: "Hey, I said no
screwing!!"

They yell back "We said we're not
screwing!!"

Finally the shift is over and the second
man climbs down from the tower and the
husband starts to climb up. He's only
half-way up and the wife and the second
man are screwing their brains out. Once
he reaches the top, the husband looks
out from the tower and says:
"WOW. From up here it DOES
look like they're screwing."

We spend the first twelve months of our children's
lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next
twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

Q: What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his
intelligence?

A: Divorced.

A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife.
He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn’t able
to do the job. He finally went to his best friend
and asked for advice. His friend told him not to
worry because he knew a method that was a 100
percent successful. He says, “Hire a big strong
black man to stands near your bed and waving a
huge towel over both of you while you are having
sex. This way your wife will be stimulated an
have an orgasm.”

The guy hired the strong man, but all efforts
were in vain. He went back to his friend and
told him what happened. So his friend suggested
that they switch places. “Why don’t you wave the
towel while the strong man does the job in bed,”
says the friend.

He agreed and said that he would do anything to
satisfy his wife. He hires the same guy again
and this time they trade positions. Naturally,
the woman has a divine orgasm. The husband leans
over to the black guy and says, “You see!
That’s how you wave the towel.”

A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife.
He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn’t able
to do the job. He finally went to his best friend
and asked for advice. His friend told him not to
worry because he knew a method that was a 100
percent successful. He says, “Hire a big strong
black man to stands near your bed and waving a
huge towel over both of you while you are having
sex. This way your wife will be stimulated an
have an orgasm.”

The guy hired the strong man, but all efforts
were in vain. He went back to his friend and
told him what happened. So his friend suggested
that they switch places. “Why don’t you wave the
towel while the strong man does the job in bed,”
says the friend.

He agreed and said that he would do anything to
satisfy his wife. He hires the same guy again
and this time they trade positions. Naturally,
the woman has a divine orgasm. The husband leans
over to the black guy and says, “You see!
That’s how you wave the towel.”

A little boy and his grandfather are raking
leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an
earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He
says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in
that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five
dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to
put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes
back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the
worm until it is straight and stiff as a board
Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The
grandfather hands the little boy five dollars,
grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back
out and hands the boy another five dollars. The
little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me
five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know.
That's from your Grandma."