₦airaland Forum

Omolola1:
very funny but then it is very hard to understand

wat makes it funny when you dont even understand it? im kaina confused

An indian walks up to the local house of ill
repute and tells the madam 'Me want women'. The
madam asks 'Do you have experience?' The indian
asks 'What's that?' The madam tells him to go out
and find a tree with a knothole and get
experience. The Indian comes back a few days
later and goes upstairs at the house of ill
repute with the madam's best girl. He tells the
girl to bend over. She complies and he hits her
across the bottom with a bed slat. She jumps up
and yells 'What do you think you're doing?' The
Indian replies 'Me check for hornets!'

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in
his car"

When Jane reached the check-out, she learned that
one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her
embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to
hear: "Price check on lane 12, Tampax, supersize."

If that was bad enough, somebody at the rear of
the store misunderstood the word "tampax"
for "thumbtacks".

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over
the intercom:

"Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb
or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a
drink. "Get out" says the bartender. "I don't
serve drunks here".

The drunk staggers out the front door, only to
come back in through the side door. He sits at the
bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink. "I just
told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!".
The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the
side door and, comes back inside through the back
door.

Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for
a drink. The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at
the drunk and yells "I told you, no drunks
allowed, now get out!!!". The drunk looks up at
the bartender and slurs "How many fuckin' bars
do you work at, anyway?"

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks an
assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant
explains that they don't stock them. The man
insists that he bought his last one from this
store. The assistant refers the man to the
pharmacist, who explains that store has never
stocked such an item. The man explains he bought
his last one from this store only weeks ago and
has done for several years. The pharmacist asks
man to bring in his last purchase and he will try
to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the
pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the
pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer
thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is
obviously of the underarm stick variety.

The customer explains that instructions on
reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

There was this little boy that lived in the
country. One day he walked through a farmers
yard with duct tape under his arm, and the farmer
asked, "Where you going boy?"

The little boy answered, "I am going to catch me
a duck."

The farmer said, "You know, you can't catch a
duck with duck tape."

The little boy continued to walk on, and a little
later the boy came back through with 2 ducks
under his arm. The farmer just looked at him in
amazement.

The same boy came back through the same farmers
yard the next day with chicken wire under his arm
and the farmer asked, "What are you doing now
boy?"

The boy replied, "I am gonna catch me a chicken".

The farmer said, "You can't catch a chicken with
chicken wire!"

The little boy continued on his way, and a little
later the boy came back with a chicken under his
arm and the farmer just stood in awe.

The same boy came through the same farmers yard
the next day with a bunch of pussy willows under
his arm the farmer said, "I am not gonna ask. I
know what your going after, and I'm going with
you!"

Bill Clinton is in an elementary class and is
trying to teach the students what a tragedy is.

He asks if anyone knows. One kid stands up and
says, "I know. If I was in the street and got hit
by a car, that would be a tragedy."

Clinton says, "No son, that would be an
accident."

Another kid stands up and says, "I know. If we all
were on a field trip and the bus went flying over
a cliff, that would be a tragedy."

Again, Clinton says, "No son, that would be a
great loss."

The children are silent and then one kid stands
and says, "If you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air
Force One and it just all of a sudden blew up and
you both died, that would be a tragedy."

Clinton thinks and then asks, "Now why would you
think that is a tragedy?"

The kid replies, "Well, because it definately
wouldn't be an ACcident. and it sure as hell
wouldn't be a Great Loss!!!"

. . . .{im can do with that}. . . .same to you

D1KeleVra:
Happy New Year migraines migines.

just wen i was bout ta say a prayer 4ya. . . .you hadda go on n do that. why? you have no idea how much i hata ta see ma name get messed wit.

HAPPY NEW YEAR once again y'all

This is to wish all nairalanders a happy new year.

lysaa?

ayusman16:
En hen?

This ur profile pic, na u be that? Nna men u ugh ooo!

So I heard.

wat da !!!. damn i shuda listened to ma head. i dint want to open this thread

of course! and this year i made sure to buy you bigger dipers, as i imagine, yo're a bigger boy now.

This is to specially wish my baby clemy a merry xmas in advance.
Greetings for the rest of nairaland comes up later.

you got that right.

yysl:
nt like that but like ds

yeah that was b4 the anouncement of the election result. because after the announcement, definitely one face must av changed.

darequam:
I'm back
I'm back
I'm back
nice joke ! But please can u tell me where the shop,

Who knew you were gone.

so teach him.

hm. . . . . benjay wanna be.

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in
Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won
$100,000.

He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he
decided not to return with the others, but took
a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m.

He immediately went out to the backyard of his
house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The following morning he walked outside and found
only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading
from the hole to the house next door, which was
owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a
professor who understood sign language and was a
friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the
enraged man went to awaken the professor and
dragged him to the deaf man's house.

'You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me
back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!' he
screamed at the professor.

The professor conveyed the message to his friend,
and his friend replied in sign language, 'I hid
it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.'

The professor turned to the man with the gun and
said, 'He's not going to tell you. He said he'd
rather die first.'

What is Bill's definition of safe sex?

When Hillary is out of town.

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who
invited him out for a few beers after work. The
man said that his wife would never go for it,
that she does not allow him to go drinking
with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested
a way to overcome that problem:

"When you get home tonight, sneak into the house,
slide down under the sheets, gently pull down
your wife's panties, and give her MouthAction. Woman
love it, and believe me, she'll never mention
that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and
enjoyed himself. Late that night he sneaked into
the house, slid down under the sheets, gently
slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral
sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but
after a little while, he reaized he had to take
a leak , so he told her he'd be right back, got
out of bed and walked down the hall to the
bathroom. When he opened the door and went in,
he was very suprised to see his wife sitting
on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked

"Shhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my
mother!"

Q. How do you make your girlfriend
scream when you're having sex?

A. Phone her up and tell her.

A man comes home from work to find his wife in
the bedroom, packing her suitcase.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm leavin' you for a better life," she replies.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas," she answers. "I hear
they pay $400 for a Mouth Gig there."

The man thinks for a minute, then gets his
suitcase out, and starts packing his clothes.

"What the hell are you doing?" his wife asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas, too," he answers.
"I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

Jake got a 6 month old dog at the dog pound and
was having trouble getting it house broke. He
decided to rub the dogs nose in it every time it
wet on the floor and throw the dog out the window
toteach the dog a lesson.

After about two weeks of faithfully doing it Jake
thought it was about time the dog figured it out.

Sure enough the next time the dog wet on the floor
he rubbed his own nose in it and jumped out the
window.

So I've heard.

sexyLeamon:
wow migines your jokes are great

Thanks girl. . . . . .SEPT 11. . . . .perfect day to register on nairaland.

is a oodthing not every one sees life 4rm this perspective.

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a
romantic winter vacation. When they get there,
the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says, 'Honey, my hands are
freezing!' She says, 'Well, put them here between
my thighs and that will warm them up.' After
lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and
comes back and says again, 'Man! my hands are
really freezing!' She says again, 'Well, put
them here between my thighs and warm them up.'

He does, and again that warms them up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop
some wood to get them through the night. When he
returns, he says again, 'Honey, my hands are
really, really freezing!'

She looks at him and says, 'For crying out loud,
don't your ears ever get cold?'

There was this guy who went to the store to buy
some condoms. He went up to the desk where this
fat, ugly, cashier and asked where he could find
them. She asked him, "Well do you know what size
you need?" He replied, "No", and she proceeded to
tell him that he needed to know what size he
needed for her to help him. "Okay sir, go in the
back and you'll see this picket fence with knot
holes in it, small, medium, and large. Put your
penis in them and find which one fits the best."

He agreed and proceeded to the back. As soon as
he went, the cashier ripped her clothes off and
took her place behind the fence. He started with
the large, and she put her mouth on the other
side. He's trying the large and decides it's too
big. So he moves to the medium. The cashier
quickly moves and puts her butt there. Well he's
getting off, but still thinks its a little too
big. So he moves to the small and she puts her
pussy there, and he finally decides the small
fits great. He finishes and starts to get dressed.

Well, the cashier puts on her clothes and runs
back to the desk. The man finally comes out and
the cashier asks, "Well sir, what size condoms
would you like?" The man replies, "Condoms? Fu<k
the condoms, just give me 20 feet of that damn
fence!"