₦airaland Forum

Saucekid? . . . . .Saucekid!

These three blondes where going to purchase a
Christmas tree but they then decided to go into
the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I wont a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends and said "I promise the next
tree we come across we'll chop it down and
take it home and we wont care if it decorated
for Christmas or not."


MERRY XMAS TO Y'ALL in advance

A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on
a table beneath a big sign that reads "$2,000
Cash Prize! See bartender for details." Keeping
one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over
and asks the bartender what he has to do to win
the prize. "You have to do three things and it's
all yours," the bartender says. "Just three
things?"

The guy asks, rubbing his hands now and imagining
about walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. "What
are the three things?" "Well," the bartender
says, "first you have to go over to that 200
pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, I've
got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who
needs a tooth pulled. Then you have to go and
make the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs go
nuts."

"No problem," the guy says. He struts over
to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal yourshoelace is
untied." When the bouncer looks down at his
shoes, the man flattenshim with a single, solid
uppercut. Next he heads to the back room where
the pitbull is housed. The bartender can hear a
tremendous commotion from the back room--it
sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy. After a
few minutes the man emerges from the backroom,
quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.
"Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that
needs her tooth pulled??

A man was walking along the street when he saw a
ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would
do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud,
upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly
woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success"
she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the
ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a
slightly thinner woman, slightly easier on the
eye.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she
said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well
carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive
lady who, this time, was actually quite
desirable. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to
success" she said. As he turned her down and went
on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that
this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim,
attractive, the lot. "Love me hard and long or
climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and
being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400
pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies
buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "My name's
Cess!"

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit
after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a
male hormone) for her. She was a little worried
about some of the side effects she was
experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have
really helped, but I'm afraid that you`re giving
me too much. I've started growing hair in places
that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is
a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone.
Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my testicles."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts
dialing numbers, like a telephone, on his
hand and talking into his hand. The bartender
walks over and tells him this is a very tough
neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble
here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very
hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand
because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to
the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand
and carries on a conversation. "That's
incredible", says the bartender, "I would never
have believed it!"

"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with
my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way,
where is the men's room?" The bartender directs
him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10,
20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the
bartender goes into the men's room. There is the
guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are
pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up
his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob
you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just
waiting for a fax."

amen jesus

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Mrs. Stuart goes to a brand new gynecologist. As
he's examining her, he cant help but say, "Mrs.
Stuart, that is the biggest vagina I have ever,
seen."

When she gets home, she decides to have a look
for herself. She takes a big mirror off the wall
and lays it on the floor. She then takes off all
her clothes, stands on the mirror, spreads her
legs, and looks down. Just then, her husband
walks in early from work.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asks. She
quickly replies, "Umm, I'm just exercising."

He says, "Well, be careful not to fall in the
big hole."

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality
controller at the local wood mill. The manager
calls the blind man into his office and asks him
how he expected to do this job since he was
blind. The blind man replied he would do it by
smell. The manager decides to test him and places
a piece of wood in front of him. The manager
asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind
man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir."
"Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one."
"That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind
man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on
the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up
her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans
face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “can
you turn it around?" The secretary turns around
and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says,
"Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly
what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house
door off a tuna boat!"

"There were three men, an Irishman, an Englishman
and a Welshman, and they all climbed up to the
top of a cliff. At the top they met a man, and
the man said "If you can take your watch and drop
it down the cliff, catch it again and bring it
back up I will give you $500."

The Welshman thought he could do it, so he
dropped his watch and ran all the way down to the
bottom of the cliff, and he came back up with his
watch in pieces.

The Irishman thought he could do it as
well, so he dropped his watch and jumped down
the cliff and came back with his watch intact,
but he was on a stretcher.

The Englishman thought he could do it as well,
so he dropped his watch and walked slowly down
the cliff, and he came back up with his watch
working.

The man said, "How in the world did you do that?"
"I set my watch back two hours," said the
Englishman.

A man is driving home late one afternoon, and he
is driving above the speed limit. He notices a
police car with its red lights on in his rearview
mirror. He thinks "I can out run this guy," so he
floors it and the race is on.

The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70,
80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his
speedometer passes 100, the guy figures 'what
the hell'" and gives up.

He pulls over to the curb. The police officer
gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.
He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've
had a really lousy day, and I just want to go
home. Give me a good excuse and I will let you
go!"

The man thinks for a moment and says, "Three
weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer.
When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I
thought you were that officer and you were trying
to give her back."

A man is upset because he can't get an erection
anymore. He goes to the doctor and the doctor
says that he has something that might help but he
doesn't know if the man wants to try it. The man
asks,"Well, what is it?" The doctor tells him
that it consists of putting the muscles of an
elephants trunk in his peni$. The man is all for
it anything that will make him be able to get
hard again.

Around two weeks later he is out with his
girlfriend and he is feeling kinda funny. He
decides to undo his zipper since he is only going
to be sitting at the table. All of a sudden his
peni$ comes out of his pants, reaches across the
table, grabs a roll, and disappears back under
the table.

His girlfriend is amazed by this. Do it again! Do
it again! she screams. I would, the man says, but
I don't think that I can fit another roll up my
a.s.s!

You know that little indestructible black box that
is used on planes?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the
same stuff?

sholabanke:
@ poster
you better don't copy that

heyy its all fun. lol

dani1luv:
like wh me

hmmmm . . . . . .who are you?. . . . . just kidding

This thread has the best of nairalanders!. . . . . . . . . dats 4 shizzle.

A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the
size. He has an extremely small penis and doesn't
want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the
size.

One night when him and his girlfriend are making
out in a dark corner he decides he will show her.
The man unzips his pants, whips out his small
dick, and shoves it into her hand. He sits there
impatiently waiting to see her reaction.

His girlfriend says, "Thanks for offering, but
I don't smoke."

A guy walks into a bar, approaches the bartender
and says; "I've been working on a top-secret
project on molecular genetics for the past five
years and I've just got to talk to someone about
it."

The bartender says; "Wait a minute. Before we
talk about that, just answer me a few questions.
When a deer defecates, why does it come out like
little pellets?"

The guy didn't know that. The bartender then
asks, "Why is it that when a dog poops, it lands
on the ground and looks like a coiled rope?"

The guy again says, "I don't have any idea." The
bartender then says, "You don't know shit! and
you want to talk about molecular genetics?"

thanks to ppl lyk you who appreciate it. thank man.

@clemmy
im cool baby girl
guess amma stick around for a lil longer this time.
watch think?

clemcykul:
ure not gonnna what

fu***ck his brains out

DAMN!

no idea. man. but ma baby clem is still very much around.

lol i tot as much.
been around but not online

thank you. . . . . and. . . its MIGINES

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."

Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit
on the head by a ball in the World Series.

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20
minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer
service representative and says, "hey, lady, I
got this here check for deposit and I'll be
goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line
anymore."

"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind
of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but
this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned
interest with you yappin' away about my
language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse"
she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin'
manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this
I have to take from you?"

The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to
be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is
using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."
The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this
goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this
fuckin' check for 15 million dollars."

The manager looks at the check and then at the
man and says, "And this fuckin' bitch won't help
you?"

Why does Monica Lewinsky have chubby cheeks?

She's withholding evidence!

Q. What are the three types of men?

A. The handsome, the caring and the majority

tammyswits:
Attackers attacking a somewhat newbie, hehehe! Bullies oo! Truth is y'all understood the joke! Sha

did you say "newbie"?
@anusman
Hey dude, hw you duin?
@doz hu dint get the joke
i kaina dint xpect everybady to get the joke, but where is the fun if i av to xplain d damn thing. guess we jst av to leve it to doz hu _stand.

A group of business professionals enjoyed happy
hours a couple days a week in an upscale bar in
the financial district. One of them had a secret
ambition to become a magician. No one would take
him seriously and would poke fun at him, "how's
your magic coming?" "I'm working on some things"
would be his confident reply. Suddenly the
wanna-be magician doesn't show for happy hour.
And again and again he didn't show. This began to
worry his friends so they agreed to go look for
him if he misses the next one. Several days later
they were just about to look for their missing
friend when in he walks to the bar. "What, been
busy with your magic?" they teased. To their
astonishment, the guy pulls a miniature man out
of his pocket and puts it onthe table. "Wow,
that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen, I
can patent that" says the lawyer. That wasn't
all. The magician next pulls out a tiny piano and
the miniature manstarted playing the miniature
piano. "You will make millions and I will handle
your estate" says the accountant. The magician
says "but, you guys were right, I'm not so good
at magic after all." "What?" wonders his amazed
friends, "you've done the best magic in history
and you think you are not a good magician"?
"Well," says he says, "you have to be very
careful how you ENUNCIATE." "Why?" the crowd
asks. The magician responds, "do you really think
I tried to conjure a 10 inch pianist?"