₦airaland Forum

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily,she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes upto the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When thefarmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sundaynight and my car broke down! I don't know what todo! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees twomen standing behind the farmer. She judges themto be in the early twenties. "Okay", she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little Hot just thinkingabout the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys,how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to getpregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." Sheputs them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on thefront porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that cameby here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asksJed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not". "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes
and clean the house?

Look in your pants. If there's a penis down
there, it's not time.
@clem
hi sweetheart!

(im going online now)

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of
intersecting forest pathways one day, when they
collided at the point where the pathways meet.
They immediately began to argue with one another
as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the
snake remarked that he had been blind since
birth, and thus should be given additional
leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been
blind since birth. The two animals then forgot
about the collision and began commiserating
concerning the problems of being blind. The snake
said that his greatest regret was the loss of his
identity. He had never been able to see his
reflection in water, and for that reason did not
know exactly what he looked like, or even what he
was. The rabbit declared that he had the same
problem.

Seeing a way that they could help each other,
the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from
head to toe, and then try to describe what the
other animal was. The snake agreed, and started
by winding himself around the rabbit. After a
few moments, he announced, 'You've got very soft,
fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little
fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a
bunny rabbit!' The rabbit was much relieved to
find his identity, and proceeded to return the
favor to the snake. After feeling about the
snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted,
'Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got
beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all
the time, and you've got a forked tongue.
I think you're a lawyer!'

Three gay athletes, a baseball player, a basketball player, and a football player were sitting together in a hot tub discussing theirprofessions and everything they liked about the sport that they play. The football player said, "I just love football because I get hit and rub up against all those big sweaty guy's and it justturns me on. That’s what I like about football." The gay basketball player said, " Oh, that's the same thing with me, I just love all those big sweaty guy's rubbing up against me too, that's what I like about basketball." The gay baseball player said, " Well I like it when I'm in a game and it's the 9th inning, there's 2 out's, the score is tied, and I'm up tobat and the pitcher has a full count on me and winds up and throws his best fast-ball at me and I hit it hard and the crowd yells GOOOO! GOOOO!,and I'm rounding 1st,the crowd yells GOOOO! GOOOO!, and I'm rounding 2nd, the crowd yells GOOOO! GOOOO!, and I'm rounding 3rd, the crowd yells GOOOO! GOOOO!, but the 3rd base coach saysNO! NO!, but I go anyway all the way to home andslide head first, and when the dust clears the umpire yells "YOUR OUT!" Then the crowd yells, "COCKSUCKERRRRR!" Then he says to his friends, "It's that recognition that I like."

. . . Feelin lyk a transport co-ordinator.

"Always remember, Ure unique. . . . Just lyk everyone else."

Why did ya'l let him in ur damned asses in d ist place?

Wat if it was 4 real?

. . . In short he's a follow, follow.

. . . . But still One big happly family.

@clem
lol i think not. dnt see too many of you guys round no more.

Clemmy!

, . . . .

. . . . .cuz its already lead to brain failure.

. . . LAG. . . hummmmm. , .this is not a chatroom so . . . .

okay then. . . no. . .never been a pilot. I'm an architecture undergradute. u gud?

sholabanke:
hmmmmmmmmmmm
so any time 4 guys enters a cab without an argument
they were just finished robbery.

English please?

kool.

yeah. . . . .i've been a pilot all my life. i turned 13 yesterday. . . . . . now your point is. . . ?

True transcript from court record:

Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?

A: Closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.



no point guessing the gender that gave the reply.

. . . .more like "piece of $&!T"

Two ants, one black and one white , who were
freinds were looking for a place to stay in the
forest in vain for quite a few days. So one day,
they came across a cave which looks good and
they decided to check it out. The black ant
volunteered to go in and check while the white
ant wait outside. When the black ant entered the
cave, what he saw was amazing. The place was well
furnished and it is indeed a perfect place for
them. So he decided to go outside and tell his
freind, the white ant, about it. But when he is
on his way out, a worm bash it and attacked him.
The black ant fought bravely and in the end, the
worm got injured, vomited some white blood and
retreat. The black ant rush outside quickly to
tell the white ant about his encounter only to
see his freind laying on the ground injured too!
The black ant told him that he was attack by a
worm while inside the cave and manage to defeat
it making it vomit white blood. The white ant
reply :`That was nothing you asshole, compared to
the two big balls I was battling outside!

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together
without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken
place.

Johnny Carson

There was an elderly gentleman who was
suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife
of 40 years loved him very much, but she
couldn't handle him any longer. He
would wander about never knowing where he
was or sometimes even who he was.
Finally she decided that she would have
to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was
filling out paperwork, a nurse had
the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly
the man starting slowly leaning to
his left. The nurse ran over and put a
pillow on his left side to prop him
up. A few minutes later, he started
leaning to his right. Again, the nurse
ran over and put a pillow on his right
side. Then he starting leaning forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into
the chair.

About this time, his wife, having
completed the paperwork, walked up to him
and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't
let me fart."

There were two women traveling to Las Vegas, the
plane had mean turbulence and bad weather. The
captain announced to everyone to get into the
crash position, head between the knees.

A white woman was sitting next to a black woman,
so the white woman took out all her jewelry and
started putting it all on, so the black woman
asked her what was she doing?

The white woman replied, when the plane goes down
and they see all my jewelry they are going to
think that I am famous so they will rescue me
first. So the black woman started taking off
all her clothes, so the white woman asked the
black woman, what are you doing?

The black woman replied, when we crash, the
first thing they look for is the "black box."

Best Left Unsaid


Store employees put up with a lot of shit. When jerks come into their store treating them like crap, there is a lot that goes through an employees mind they just can't just say without loosing their jobs,

You are obviously smarter than me, so if YOU can't figure it out, what the hell makes you think I can?

No, sir, I'm not hard-of-hearing, neither am I stupid. You just don't speak good English.

Do you notice that your bad behaviour is embarrassing your wife?

Do you want me to go ahead and call the manager, or do you want me to wait till you're REALLY pissed off?

I can tell you right now I'm not going to give you very good service, because I think you're drunk or possibly on drugs, and frankly, you scare the hell out of me.

No, sir, I can't do math in my head, but I can spell diarrhea.

I realize I'm ignoring you, but you're in here every three days with your bratty kid and you never buy anything you don't return.

Shame on you for using such language in front of your children.

You've been waiting 30 minutes? Why didn't you use the time to find it yourself?

If I were as smart as you THINK I should be, I'd be making a lot more money than I am now.

Don't complain about the fucking line up and then fumble through your purse for 5 minutes when you finally have your order taken.

Ahhhh thanks for that tip chief, maybe I can make a fucking phone call now!

No, really, I want you to call me every day to ask what time we close when we are open 24 hours a day.

Please bring in your fucking dirty cans and bottles that are filled with cigarette butts, piss, cockroaches, ants, And yes, you do have to put your nasty shit on a box, because ill be dammed if I touch that.

Oh yes, please let me search out that item that we haven't had for eight years and then bitch to me for a half hour about how we had it yesterday. We didn't, asshole!

Should I hand you the fries or shove them up your fat ass?

So you want a combo, but you want onion rings instead of fries, a stake instead of a burger, and you want a can of pop instead of fountain pop, WELL IT AIN'T A FUCKING COMBO NO MORE!!!

Well now that you've ordered your large popcorn with extra butter and 2 large chocolate bars, I'm sure that the large DIET coke will really do you some good and cancel out the 10,000 calories you are about to eat while you sit on your ass and do sweet Bleep all nothing for the next two hours.

You're an idiot. So are your kids.

You know I am off work and yet you insist on motioning to me, Well for some reason I have gone blind and can't see you. Dink!

Maybe you should buy a full length mirror before buying all that junk food.

What the Bleep are you standing around staring at the menu for, jackass?!?!? We've had the same goddamn menu for 25 years. Get the fucking quarter pounder!

Don't complain about the fucking line up if you have had the past 15 minutes to get your money ready and your only now fumbling through your bottomless purse for money. Get organized you old, useless, inconsiderate, ungrateful, sack of shit.

We're closed dumb Bleep, that's why I didn't take your order when you pulled through my drive thru!

No I won't make your sandwich without pickles, you can eat what the rest of fucking America likes!

Will you get out of my store so that I may clean up your fucking mess, so that I can go home?

I don't mind helping you Sir/Madame, but please go home and take a BATH!!!

OK dumbass, it was a choice of paper OR plastic. Not a combination thereof, just paper or friggin' plastic. Do you honestly think I care about the arse of your bags ripping?

No you slowpoke, I don't work here! I'm only here because I like to wear this name tag, sweep floors and hang around 10 to 12 hours a day for the fun of it!

You don't like the new layout of the store? OK, well Bleep off to another supermarket. I don't give a shit.

The food will never look like it does in the pictures. The food in the picture was plastic.

Rules For Flight

There is a lot pilots have to take into account when hulling your ass across the sky,

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

Real Friends


Well, here's a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

Product Wording


This is a list of what all the advertising terms on products really mean,

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.

LESS FATTENING - Now doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

NON-REFUNDABLE - We couldn't make it work long enough to ship it.

FAT FREE - You pay for the food, but the fat is free.

Proper Disk Care


Proper Diskette Care instruction guide,

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes
before inserting them into the drive.

Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

Pregnant woman interview


Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.