JoeCutie:
I'd have ordinarily been surprised, but given who this is coming from, I'm just happy but not surprised. You've been a great friend right from when I used to rock pant to school. Thanks, sweetheart. You're just too wonderful.

You're welcome, love.

So you remember that time you used to wear pant to school?

I've been waiting for this day to celebrate you. I don't think people (on NL) know who you really are. You're someone who is so confident, someone who does not fear to express himself, someone who does not shy away from saying things the way they are, someone who would confidently tell people even those things they don't want to hear, yet you're someone who can make people laugh until they have no strength left in them. You're so real, Joe, I'm yet to see a guy who's more real. I'm so happy and blessed to have grown along with you. My very good friend from when there's still 'love letters'. You've influenced so many people in such a short period of your life. Some people think you're all about making jokes, but you're someone who is very witty. You could be annoying when you choose to, but when you're happy, you're the best to be around. You're so so crazy and naughty. You're so very fun-to-be-with. Keep moving, Joe, you're going somewhere.

Happy birthday to a handsome guy with a beautiful soul. Happy birthday, Obumneme. Happy birthday, Joecutie. A friend forever...that's what you are. You shall live long, because you don't deserve any less. Lots of love, my dearest friend.

JoeCutie:
Eh? Which Tosin no like sex? Make I hear! This same Tosin that's about to win Headies awards for the best Head giver.

Look the guy head na...E no tell you anything?

JoeCutie:
If you massage and give me Head, no matter wetin you do, I no go divorce you. You hear me so? Ah no dey divorce you!!!

A pragmatic, blunt but honest bad boy!

Your girlfriend/wife is really going to enjoy you.

JoeCutie:
Hey, luv. How have you been? I'm coming back on the 24th too. Have you gotten my gift ready?

I can't wait to see you again. It's been ages. I got you something, you'll like it. I've missed you.

JoeCutie:
I might even end up not getting married. But if I do, it'd certainly not be for love.

Stop that rubbish oh.
I'm coming back on the 24th. When are you coming back?

JoeCutie:
I'm not a Biafra fanatic, but I'm an advocate of justice and fairness.

With this kinda shallow, unrealistic and sentimental move by the so called "Founder of Nairaland", the very aim of social media - or forum, whatever you choose to call it - which is to freely have a say without fear and or favour, is defeated. With this kinda platform, people get their views across. In fact, I could say that since almost everything had been taken from us, the youths embraced social media, making it a strong medium through which they express themselves.

This action by you, Seun, is a rape on justice, fairness, and in fact, democracy. If you come out for Presidency, I won't vote for you! It's not your place to tell us what to and what not to believe in and discuss.

All Igbos are not in support of Biafra (maybe not yet), but just so you know... If all of them hate and turn on you, and if they unanimously boycott Nairaland...YOUR NAIRALAND, you're going to be doomed. For life.

A little advice, Mr. Founder: You should be neutral here. Not taking sides. At least, not yet. For the sake of your career - Nairaland. That's one silly thing about us, Africans. Excessive show of power! You don't get to see the founders of Facebook, Whatsapp, etc making very useless rules and shoving it to people's faces all the time. Any attempt to express yourself lands you a ban. What kind of autocratic forum is this?! You don't just wake up and make decisions about us (this your decision - more like a presidential decree - could have been subtly thrown out to the floor for a more democratic debate). We've got to have a say here; this is the 21st century, for fuccks sake! And if you want to make some steady progress, you've got to stop thinking to yourself all the time that you're The Founder of Nairaland . We know that already, and we get it. Take a chill pill. You're NOTHING without us.

And, uh...my (lengthy) ban, please?

You never stop to inspire me. I'm proud of you, bae.

JoeCutie:
I can't date/marry a lady who even though she's so Hot, still pretends not to, and wants me to always 'beg' for sex. Lubbis!

Dear future wife, please, I beg you in the name of the Almighty, if you ever do shakara with 'that thing' for me, you're a gonner! I don't phucking care. Please, tell me to give it to you. Don't pretend. Don't assume. Even if I'm tired, just tell me first. If I'm really tired, then I'll see how to make it up to you. Baby, sho gbo mi?

It's always so romantic when ladies do the initiating...

I'd walk straight into your office, slam the door, lock it, UnCloth you and get down to business. You like?

JoeCutie:
Which kain virgin?

Tear rubber virgin abi London used virgin?

Waka! Tear rubber nau So you don't believe I am still a virgin?

JoeCutie:
Virgin girls kwa? They are gunners!

Huh? I'm a virgin oo.

JoeCutie:


The very first time I witnessed that, I flee from the room; my body dey hot. When I calmed down, I learnt.

Squirto, squirtare, squirtavi, squirtatum.

That time you were still a novice...

But now...

JoeCutie:
Bítch better have my money!

Bae! Who's bítch again?

JoeCutie:
This is a perfect analysis.

Just contrary to 'public' opinion, sex does not break relationship, it makes it. I always advice people to stay away from 'I-just-wan-satisfy-my-konji' kinda sex. If konji is catching you, and you must 'satisfy' it, you should do so with someone with whom you have a sorta emotional understanding. Not just anybody. If you do it with 'just' anybody, that's when it breaks, and not make.

There are things I still hold in a very valuable esteem no matter how decadent the morality of the society is; and sex is one of them. I'm a crazy guy, very crazy. I'm naughty, raw and in fact, I could be a 'bad' boy. I could do or say anything to/with you, but whenever it comes to sex part, I kowtow. If I discuss sex with you, you're not 'just a friend'. You're special, and I feel something for you. I could wait for a whole year just to do it 'that' person. It's not a new thing.

I, some time ago, wrote this on my diary; sex is not something you do just to impress. It is something you do with emotions, with some sense of connection, sacredness and responsibility. Sex is more that the physical intercourse we engage in. It's deeper than that. If I have sex with you, I'll 'have something to do with you'.

And like you said, sex is important. But you didn't add that it's sweet too. It's very sweet when done well and with emotion. (well, you should know better)

But these days, people abuse sex. It's so unfortunate.

That's my boy.

JoeCutie:
You'll do anything for me? Eleyi gidi gan! Yes! That's my gurl.

Don't worry, I'll come. I'd like to see your mum too. I've missed her oh. She knows what I used to like. You remember, abi?

Chai! I miss everything and everybody.

Yes, I remember. She asks me about you every time. I've run out of explanation jor. She thinks we are quarreling.

JoeCutie:
Okay fine. I agree. I admit I've not been trying. When I come back, I'll let you know you hear?

But I'll take you to Jevnik Palace and you'll take me to Ibariogwa village. Deal?

Oh, is that all you want? Lmao. I'll do anything you want me to do, sweetheart. I'll take you anywhere... provided you will come. You have no idea how much I have missed you. My boy.

JoeCutie:
Yes, I remember. And I bought you chips too and you bought Gold Sport for us.

I miss those days too. And...I miss you too.

It's not true. You don't miss me anything. If you really miss me I'll know. I've been begging you to come and see me or let me come, but you'll always have one reason or the other.

Or are you still doing that thing you were doing? You don't even send girls. Nawaooo. Some people were asking if you were gay. They will be coming to you and you will be dodging. I was lucky sha.

I've not seen you in like ages, Joe. I can't even say what you look like again. Come nau, please.

JoeCutie:
Do you still remember that day you wore a very tight and skimpy skirt to school when everybody started looking at you and talking about you, you came to me and asked me to protect you? Just that day, I knew you had the tendency of 'rolling' like Beyoncé.

Yes! And you took me inside and asked me not to look at them that they don't have sense, that I am far better than all of them. You have no idea how much you made me feel that day. Aww, I miss those days. I miss you so much.

JoeCutie:
Well, she could mean a model of sausage or chocolate 'roll'. You know that "young girls around the world" love them.

Role model kor, striping model ni.
Abeg coman gimme lap dance joor. Na that one you sabi well well.

Obumneme! You won't kill me before my time oooo.

Some women do not really understand how this life works. It must not be all rosy all the time.

Body no be firewood nau

Who cares? Buhari is the President and Grand commander of the Federal Republic. You can now go and kill yourselves.

JoeCutie:
I'm tired! I feel that I'm...I'm just tired of everything... except life.

Hi, honey. Are you alright? You don't sound good at all. Hope nothing serious happened? In fact, I'm calling you right away.