Analytical:

@ Topic,

I will add one or two cents here.

I addition to all said, there is a solution I refer to as 'Taking the fire out'.  I want to believe beyond the nagging and all the drama is a real issue taking the partner to the edge.  Find out what the issue is and correct it or at least initiate the actions to correct it.  They say there is no smoke without fire!  Take the fire out and the smoke dies a natural death!

very nicely said, atleast it will work in most cases, unless the wife is a professional nagger

M M M:

leave d house 4 her

you want to train her like a dog, you will have a dog in your house

bizmogul:

The best way I handle issues like this is to put my lady in my shoes by simply asking her the question "How would you feel if I talk to you in that manner?"

exactly, and even a better way is to put yourself in HER shoes -would you like the bahaviour she complains about if she did it to you?

bizmogul:


Another strategy is the humor strategy, you turn things around but joking around when she is nagging. Don't take her nagging seriously, just understand she is just being a woman, smile at her, Just tell her she would grow old quickly if she continues that way, make i funny, it workx for me

that's my favourite -works 100% of the times!!!

God2man:

You can remain calm. You can have a private meeting together where issues will be analysed and resolved. You can admit your imperfections and apologize. You can move closer to her, and allow the body language to settle the crisis. You can turn it to a joke. You could make her laugh. God will teach you the rest. Above all, wisdom is profitable in all things. You need the correct application of knowledge, which is wisdom, to resolve crisis in the home. God help us all. God bless you. God2man. You can remain calm. You can have a private meeting together where issues will be analysed and resolved. You can admit your imperfections and apologize. You can move closer to her, and allow the body language to settle the crisis. You can turn it to a joke. You could make her laugh. God will teach you the rest. Above all, wisdom is profitable in all things. You need the correct application of knowledge, which is wisdom, to resolve crisis in the home. God help us all. God bless you. God2man.

nicely written
Women in this topic are portrayed as crazies that need to be disciplined. Naggers just ask for it, right?
What you don't understand is that most women are not born naggers, they do not enjoy complaining and they like peace at home as much as men do.
But when they raise a topic of something they feel bad about, something they feel need to be changed and they are ignored (which is men's favourite way of "dealing" ith a problem) they start talking more, explaining more, asking for attention, wanting to be heard and understood. Then the hubby ignores them more, tells them to forget the whole issue, or calls a friend in the middle of conversation, or just walks out the door. She feels like her problems are nothing to him, that he doesn't care and she starts generalising (not a good thing), "you don't care about me", "you always turn your back to me when I talk to you" and so on, he gets mad and start abusing her verbally or tells her to shut up or push any buttons he knows wil hurt. And a whole circle of abuse starts, Cosider LISTENING to your wife once in a while. Tell her you understand her (which doesn't equal agree with her), calmly presnt your point of view, tell her you love her and you don't want her to feel bad about anything. It doesn't mean she "won" (as I know is a priority issue for you) or that you lost your pride. You just heard her out and sympatised with her. In most cases (if not too much grunge has been accumulated and the woman is sane) she will retreat satisfied,
Why do you think we spend so much time talking with our girl friends? All we need is to be understood and heard, not advised, corrected and trained.

I need some help.
Could somebody be so kind and translate this for me to pidgin:

To all my family and friends in Nigeria: I am Polish, my language is Polish. Just like you post in here in pidgin, I post in my own language.
You shouldn't take it against me or think I don't want you to understand what I say.
There are so many posts I write in English, replies to posts (even written by Polish people) that Polish people feel I am crazy to write so much in English and many of them can't understand.
It is not easy for me to be torn between my Nigerian and Polish friends so please don't make me choose.
If you are interested in something I say, just ask or use google translator and I promise to write more in English, ok?
I speak English at home, I teach my daugther Nigerian traditions, I cook Nigerian food, I know Nigerian culture, I have Nigerian dresses for special occasions and I try make my daugter's hair the way a Nigerian mother would (just not as well, but I still learn). We gave her a Nigerian name too. Try to give me some time to be also Polish from time to time. Do you think you can do it?

I will appreciate your help, I know it's a bit long,
Thanks!!!

I don't know if it's really a "new" dimention, same problem, the way I see it: someone who cannot face problems but rather takes the easiest way to make himself feel better,
Financial problems make many men feel less men, and instead of looking for a way to solve it, they choose a temporary boost of the manhood, I guess, I'm not making excuses for him, just trying to understand where all this comes from.

when I said therapist, I meant counsellor -it's the same word in my language. I woudln't send him to see anyone by himself.
I take half the blame in all this and I want to do my part to save this marriage.

One thing I haven't mentioned before (as it is unrelated to the topic, but since we are talking about my marriage in general now it is relevant) is that he cheated on me two times.
Why I still want to fool myself that things could work between us -I don't know, but I am a coconut head myself, I love him and I don't want to give up on us too soon, if there is a slightest chance things can still change.

walcolm:


maybe u have seen a men with one, two or even three of the qualities listed but i can guarantee you have not seen a man with ALL seven qualities who is poor not even in a country like Sudan not to talk of Nigeria where there are countless opportunities to be rich

I agree. No way for a man to be poor and have all those seven qualities.
And even if he was poor, believe me, I would not hesistate for one second to spend my whole life with him, cherish and respect him and give my all to him.
But still, don't believe such man can stay poor.

You all keep talking about diplomas, cvs, job opportunities -it's all important, but even with hard work and all these a man can stay poor.
Once you set yourself a goal and stick to it, don't get discouraged and are self-confident about what you want to achieve, your chances of being rich are very high.
I have interviewed many people who wanyted to get a job in my life, and believeme, a good cv isn't the most important thing an employer looks for.
It's the qualities that one posseses -that can be of course also shown on a cv -by the choice of past jobs, time spent in one company and achievements -all resulting from a list above.

I will try to persuade him to see a therapist, as you suggest. I don't know how your parents' divorce can influence you and how these issues can be fixed.
I myself lost my father in a car accident when I was three, so I never learnt how to communicate in a marriage. The only think I learnt was how to raise cildren ALONE and how to be strong and self-efficient, but I don't want to duplicate this pattern, well, I think women tend to analyse those things more than men.

chaircover:

Yes is possible. Once you understand that you are different and you both treat each other with respect and dont expect te other person to ever be or think like you, then you can live together in peace

that's the biggest problem we have -I think we both feel that our way is a better way. Especially for my husband there is "world according to Kunle" and nothing else. He even has his own definitions of word -what they mean to him and it doesn't matter the dictionary says something else -and that's how I understood it,

What you wrote about how men think and why they don't want to get involved ion an argument is very wise. I have to remember that.

emmatok:

If you are in the US, go see a Marriage counsellor .

We are not in US, we live in Europe and in a country where it is hard to find an English speaking marriage counselors. But my friends told me that couples therapy did wonders to their relationships, because someone objective and not involved saw theyr relationship as it is, without the emotional background they themselves had,

emmatok:


Your marriage is going smoothly don't let Nairaland counsellors confuse you.

That's far from the truth. We have already made a decision of getting a divorce My husband claims he is not able to make any compromise or change even a tiny bit, he doesn't know how to or doesn't have the strength to work on a relationship, He believes it is doomed to fail anyway. I am ready to work and fight for my marriage till my last breath -but cannot do it all by myself, can I now?
and Nairaland counselors have made a great job till now, no compaints here,

I'll do that, thanks.
Is it possible of two people with completely different temperaments to get along?

You know, I have no problem NOT DISCUSSING the issue right away. I made a deal with him that I would just shut up, let him calm down and then whenever he's ready we can discuss the issue calmly. He never was. Sweeping the problems CONTINUOUSLY under the carpet -this is what it is, and yes, when it happens all the time, it can provoke the end of a mariage. We have already decided to get divorced -not because we don't lobe each other, we do. But because I need a man who will have the will to confront me, problems, life, try to solve problems instead of leaving them behind -as they can never be left behind, not all of them, and he is sick of a wife who cannot give him peace -and that;'s all he wants.

I am interested in those books you mentioned,

Flyboy Zee:

Your Husband is most probably a "MELPHLEG" with a greater tilt to being a "MELANCHOLY".
Before U crucify me, please read these books by Tim La Haye:
1. Why You Act the Way You Do
2. The Theory of the Temperaments
3. Spirit-Filled Temperaments
These books will give you a greater understanding on human temperaments and how to handle them. Your husband's behaviour is not a Nigerian Thing.

what is a MELPHLEG?

great advice from everyone!
1) yes, he said by himself that he keeps quiet because if he says something it will be only a bad thing. I tried getting a reaction out of him and yes, I was sorry.
2) writing is better -we tried that sometimes -writing e-mails to each other, sms-ing, even talking on the phone, always better
3) I don't know what triggers the reaction, which he himself calls automatic. I know his parents divorced when he was just three years old and he said there was a lot of fighting in his house.
4) His mum is a very strong and controlling woman and he has a very bad relationship with her. He hates it when I try to be controlling, "push him to the wall" as he says and so on,
5) Yes, he has his green card and more than that, thank you for asking. I know where you are going with it. We have a normal marriage, have been together for five years, have a child. I know all about what you are trying to imply and am the first one who can advise foreigners about Nigerian scammers and their behaviour. No need to enlighten me. Ours is not the case.

I don't generalise the problem to all Nigerian men. As you recall I ASKED in the beginning -i you think it's something most Nigerian men do or it's just his character,

My husband doesn't like confrontation. Whenever we have a problem and I want to discuss it -even in a very calm and civilised way -he clams up, shuts down and -if possible -stps talking at all. He says all he wants is peace. That dealing with problem is by leaving it behind and not discussing it.
Even after a fight, he would just like to forget it and move on, he will never apologise, or even tell me how we should improve things, what maybe I should do -if he thinks I'm guilty od something. So if he sees I am still dwelling on it, he can keep silent for 2-5 days.
Do you have a similar experience -with youself or your partner. Is it a Nigerian way -or just his own?

based on my experience, naija men are not the romantic sort -genereally few men are. They use the romance to get the girl -in any way they need her, be it for sex, marriage, children, money, you name it. Ask any woman married for five or ten year how many romantic words she hears per month.
but one thing Nigerian men are good at is making a woman BELIEVE they are in love with her, especially if she is the idealistic, love-seeking, romantic kind.

One advice from me (and not to naijasexy, as she is quite aware of what she is doing, and he is clearly a player) when you want to find out if your man loves you is -ask him WHY.

fake love:
-because you make me feel good/special/loved
-you make my heart tremble
-you are so sweet, patient, understanding (to me)
and so on -everything that is connected to HIM, what you do to HIM and how you make HIM feel

real love:
-because you are good/original/different
-you have a big heart
-because of the way you smile when noone looks at you
-because you are loyal and loving towards your friends/family
-because you are YOU
and so on -everything connected to YOU, who you are, what you like -even if he never existed.

Of course the true love doesn't exclude the first set of options, but if it's ONLY about him, then the love is not real, even if he himself thinks it is.
Many of us love this way -selfishly, but it won't take us anywhere as it is strongly connected with expectations

I was tring to make a point with my previous post in here, but I guess I wasn't understood.
In my honest opinion our upbringing makes us a lot of damage.
Girls are brought up believing in love, romance, prince charming, sweetness, gestures, perfect, ideal man,
Men are brought up believing in strength, pride, sex, freedom,
In no way do these two worlds fit together.
So when two people get married both sides get frustrated, because they can't get what they want and need based on expectations taught.
Finding a compromise is a struggle difficult for both, some fail in it, some succeed, but it is always a difficult process ending in not being fully satisfied.

I don't get it. Why do our parents and society have to teach us lots of bullshit about how life "should be" and not really IS. Mr Perfect doesn't exist neither does Ms Perfect.

I agree, it's always better to know.
I'm not saying I don't want a divorce, it all depends,
If I know what exactly is going on, I'll see if he's a permanent cheater, or he made a mistake -the difference is huge,

That is very nice, Druss. I'm sure God will reward you for that. More people should be like you.
I see unfaithfulness is a problem all over the world, but among Nigerians stronger than anywhere else.
I don't know why it is,
I have so many friends married to Nigerians, and 95% of them find their men cheating -and many marriages break. I'll tell you honestly that if it wasn't for my child I would divorce my husband too. 190 reminded me my vows forgetting my husband took those vows too. So when he breaks them and I decide not to be with him again -is it my fault?

I've been very busy having sex the past days hehehe
And not just any sex -fullfilling fantasies
and I planned with my husband to go out one day and do role-playing. We'll pretend to be total strangers and he'll have to try to pick me up and take home for one night stand. He liked the idea
And no messages to the girls for three days now,
you guys must be right!

@opabukun, you probably haven't read all my posts well. I said in the beginning -he cheated 6 months ago and he's doing it again. For what I know. Doesn't mean he's not done it many other times,

grat pieces of advice, thanks again guys,
attitude change and his ego -will do!
as to spending more time with our daugther -not possible! He's the best father the world has seen, and he spends every free minute with her, very loving, playing, kissing -I know that it's the most important thing in the whole world, and when I wanted to leave when he cheated those six months ago, it was the most important thing keeping him with us -he didn't want to lose her, I know he loves me too, cares about my opinion, tells me lots of personal stuff, and I know I make him hot. It's the first time in my life I'm keeping sth to myself and deicde to take another path, we'll see how it works.
I have a strong suspiscion our common friend told him I know -the change in his behaviour has been tremendous!!! fingers crossed it will last longer than a few months. But I doubt anyone can really change -not about things like that. Cheating is like addiction for some people,

Hot to treat your boyfriend/husband?

have s*e*x with him! All the time.

hahahahaha

wow! I'm impressed with how many replies you posted and thank you so much! Your insight is very important to me. And to be honest, I appreciate more men's opinion than the ones from girls, sorry, sisters! It's just because I know that every woman will defend the good nature of men mostly because she wants to believe it'll nt happen to her. I need an objective, honest point of view, as I'm not the kind to look the other way and pretend I'm in a perfect relationship. I give my man the benefit of doubt (yes, MAYBE he is good, fighting his urges, and hasn't s;ept with this girl yet) but I'm not naive either. There is a big chance he's sleeping around,  And I want to be prepared for all possibilities.
As much as I don't like the idea that my man will start cheating on me just because I'm not as attracive as I used to be (he shouldn't do it regardless, he should just talk to me), I still have to consider his mind is different than mine and try to be a hot sexy chick for him.
There is a reason why many men start cheating when a woman is pregnant and especially after she gives birth -she is not well taken care of, fatter, and doesn';t give him as much attention.

@ Violent  I lost 20 kgs in the past three months and I almost look like before now, started dressing better and so on,  it's strange he will want to cheat now. The sex is great too, no missionary positions, no! it was always good for us, lots of kinky stuff and great fun. He gets it any way he likes it. But he told me when we talked that he wanted us to be sexually like we used to. Which means he doesn't want to hear I'm tired (which sometimes I am) because he feels rejected. So there's a point here,

@ Gemius100 thanks for your insight. It's very important to me to know if it is disrespec from a Nigerian man to say his wife is not his wife. I'm relieved to know he will not see it this way, even though I do.

I like this discussion and I like it that there are so many different points of view,

@ D-sense, so what is better? to change my ways, give him more sex and wish for the best, or tell him I know -I think if I tell him I know and how I know I will reduce my chances to find out next time. The last time I found out because I will find anything in his laptop. Now he knows so he's more careful. This time it's phone messages, which he deletes, but I still have the record of made calls and written sms (I just don't know WHAT he writes) -If I tell him I know he wrote to them, he will be more likely to buy another phone and hide it from me,  tough case.

As to STDs -we use condoms,  since the last time he cheated.

So my husband cheated on me like 6 months ago. Caught him -he said he'll neve do it again. He loves me and wants to be with me, it didn't mean anything -you know, the usual talk. I always said if I find out sth like this -I'll dump his a**. But now the situation is different -we have a child. He's a wonderful dad and husband, loving, caring, really the best. So I decided to give him another chance (I said ONE MORE, no more)
Now I found out he msgs two girls regularly. One of them I know nothing happened. But he told her he's not married but lives with the mother of his child.
The other one -no idea. Msgs for the past two months -but what is behind them? No doubt a cheating purpose (trying) or already cheated. When I asked him about those girls' numbers in his phone, he said he met them in the club but they never talked since. Big lie -enough not to have doubts about his intentions.
So, as I can see, he's a cheater inside and probably won't change. Why would he?
I didn't confront him about my fidnings and I'm still thinking what to do, pretending in front of him everything is cool. This time I want to be prepared, secure and safe before I take any action.
I just keep thinking what I have to do. My daugther is the most important to me, but I don't know if I can just do it for her and close my eyes,  I'm ot the type of woman to ever close my eyes on anything. My heart is open for everyone to see,
What really hurt me in all this except the cheating part was that he said I was not his wife. As you might guess I'm not a Nigerian, so tell me -how is it for Nigerians? If you say to a girl you want to bang that you're not married, are you showing great disrespect to your wife, or is it nothing?
well, since yday he told me what things he would like to change in our sex, we had a good long  talk, he was nice and romantic, and since then haven't written any of the girls yet.
maybe he noticed what I've been doing, maybe our friend (the only one ho knows) told him about what happened,  or maybe it's just coincidence (yeah, right)
and a big questions is: if a man cheats from time to time but then he realises he made a mistake and tries to fix it (I'm not saying it's like that in his case, but let's say it is), and then after some time he falls into the same trap again is it possible for him to ever stop?
And if he lies, will he lie always? I believe he will -and what is your opinion?
And what do you think a woman in my situation should do?
There are many opinions on this forum saying that women should just dump the cheating guy, but it's about gfs/bfs
What about married people with children?
Sorry for the long post,