₦airaland Forum

I appreciate all that have contributed to this thread. This is a real life situation i am currently facing,all contributions have given me different angles to consider prior to taking my final decision.

Most importantly i’ll continue praying for guidance. I know some other people that may find themselves in this similar situation will learn a thing or two from this thread rather than having to post their situation all over.

I will update on whatever decision i take and how things unfold. Its all for learning and growth.

I’ll be happy to answer any questions or engage in discussions regarding this thread or similar, i take advice too which helps guide my decision making.

Thank you all once again! God bless.

Hey Guys!!! No point cursing and abusing each other please!!

can guys not just ignore people and stay focused because i honestly appreciate all that have given sincere contribution based on their opinions to my post, those that abused and attacked, still something to learn.. thank you too

Its tiring reading people having a go at themselves, please lets all interact, learn a thing or two while keeping the thread sane!

Thank you for understanding. OP

walexbiz:
Madam o ga gan, see as you carry someone matter for the head as if you or life depends on it.
my advice for you is to ascertain if she truly truly you and she is genuinely ready to be truthful and abide by your rules. pls, do not fall for those MOFOs who claim they are virgins and they attend churches and mosques as if their direct descendant of the almighty, you will be surprised by their attitude and behaviour immediately you walk them down the aisle.
pls whatever decision, on you decide upon pls make sure the lady you want to get married to truly loves to you I wish you the best in life.

Thank you

Jola58:
Rule 1.
Don't do anything just to please anyone, or simply because of their feedback.

Rule 2.
Be with someone that you know will give you peace of mind.

Rule 3.
What do you truly want in the lady (i.e infatuation, lust or genuine love)

Rule 4.
Can you tolerate her weakness.

Rule 5.
Ask God for guidance

Thank you

jaxxy:
Tell me what exactly u like I’m this gal that makes u want to keep up with her despite her bad and reckless behavior? Pls note this while Ure tryin to be optimistic a leopard doesn’t change its spots and if it must change it must be for its own will not just because of u.

Why do u like this gal pls? Tell me because it’s obvious sense isn’t one of her qualities so why?

My advice, don’t! Never! Take that gal seriously. It’s enough embarrassment she’s slept with ur frnds and Ure still dating her. Don’t even think of marrying her. U will be sorry.

And let me remind u dat even a prostitute is also trying to stop her prostitution bt yet she will sleep with the next customer for money so trying is not enough for certain habits and behavior.

I’m still waiting for what u like about her. Tell me

Her behaviour & ways was before we met and the beginning of our relationship.. we have had discussions and she even confessed to me all the ones i did not know

PrecisionFx:
Didmt u know she has slept with a lot of people in ur circle before u started dating her or before u decided to marry her?

No, i did not know.

Tomiwah:
Hmm.... here's my thought. I think the root of you not having peace of mind is that....., though she's trying to change. You discovered that she's WEAK where other guys are concerned. There lies your fears.
Fears like will she not do it again? Is she strong enough to overcome THAT WEAKNESS of hers? You discovered that you can't trust her with other guys when you're not there....
That is why you don't have peace of mind my brother...
Here is my advice since you claimed to love her. Pray my brother. Only God knows the future. I believe only God can take away your doubts of her. Let God guide you.
There are oloshos of today who were like Virgin Mary in the past. And there are good wives of today who were baddies in the past.
Forget about those friends and acquaintances..... in the end you'll discover they don't really matter. IT IS YOUR LIFE AND YOUR DECISION ONLY....

You are totally spot on about my fears! Good instincts and your contribution is well noted. Thank you

tunjilana:
Some women are to be wifed while some are to be left as booty calls....when a man does not know when to draw the line, it is a problem....go and start dating another lady....gradually de prioritize her in your mind...keep searching...till you find a woman that gives you peace and whose history isnt so bad and not within your circle....build trust with that one and let go of this one cos even if she becomes an angel...your mind will still run riots on things she's done...When a woman respect and loves u...she cant be "soft" with guys...convert her to a booty call and always use protection....

Unfortunately,i wont and cannot be dating her and date someone else, not even have a side chic. it is either i am in or out.

I am way passed the age of childishness or youthful exuberance. Many of the people commenting here are saying she is cheating, but in my original post, i am sure i mentioned these things were in her past and she is working on herself.. i see the obvious changes too although she is not there yet

Equity15:
run my nigga..that was how my EX was so soft with people, na so she take misbehave later on.

Hmm! Mind sheding more light please

cococandy:
Your crowd must be very interesting for her to have dated a good number do you.

I’d advise you to leave her alone so that someone who won’t feel like there’s something odd about the relationship can be with her.

You might love her. But not enough for those things not to matter to you. It doesn’t make you or her a bad person but people are different. Make sure you don’t knowingly go into a situation that you won’t be happy about in the near future.

Sigh! @Love is not enough �. Good, Decent, fine and Godly ladies are almost extinct these days the commas are always too much not to talk of finding someone you sync with. I am conscious about growth with a person hence the reason i am still in the relationship plus i love her. Difficult for me to let go!

Thanks for your contribution all the same, well taken.

Savvywriteprene:
Thank you!
When you truly love someone, their past or mistakes wouldn't matter to you.
Oga, if you love this woman, then proceed with your plans with her and turn dear ears to whatever is been said about her.

And what will you do if you were me and you marry her, fast forward to the future... she gets into a secret relationship, rekindles an old flame especially from any of the guys or just throws all caution to the wind and becomes something else! Dont forget by then, you both will be married with children then...

Kindly share, what you will possibly do apart from divorce..

crackhaus:
As a matter of fact I have two personal ones.

First one, I was in your position.
I dated a chic whom my closest buddy from secondary school used to sleep with, he even introduced us because he wanted me to employ her to work with my organization back then. By the time we started dating, I deliberately informed my old buddy and he told me about their sexual past (he initially claimed they were only friends but finally opened up, and she confirmed it).
Well I immediately knew it wasn't a relationship that would lead anywhere and it didn't. The chic even had a bad habit of keeping in touch with exes and I value my peace of mind.
Besides, woman cannot make me and my boy create distance from ourselves.


Second one, I was in the position of the friend.
A chic I used to have a fling with is now married to another friend. Actually all three of us know each other from secondary school (same secondary school with my closest body from the first story). All of us have managed to maintain contact all these years, these are people I have known since 1998.
Well, this two got married and I know about ever fight and argument they have because she tells me and always threatens her husband with divorce. Meanwhile, her husband (like you) is never at peace anytime he hears her talking to me over the phone or texting me. She actually told me that he constantly suspects her and uses every little opportunity to bring up my name in their conversation during an argument - this is my guy who knew about my history with her before he married her oo, yet he is not at peace.
I even had to tell him straight up to stop having crazy ideas, because she and I are done for ever and ever, amen.
Sometimes she even deliberately mentions me just to manipulate the guy into doing things her way because she knows of his insecurity - they are a funny couple.


See dude, like I said in my first comment, it's all about peace of mind. If you value it, you will avoid complicated stuff like this.
But if you feel you can handle it, go ahead.

Thanks for your contribution

crackhaus:
Wait, please give us the details:

How did you find out about her history with your friends?
How many of these friends has she been with exactly?

I found out about the guys when i found out she was speaking to one guy that they were involved but hiding it from me after we started dating. The rest of the guys, she told me herself.

About 7 guys i know but not all of them i was close to but some are friends of friends.

crackhaus:
Although he stated that he didn't know about it when they first started dating, but even if he knew, nothing wrong with collecting his own share.
But on marriage? Bad idea.

I don't know the kind of relationships you've been forming all your life for you to boldly claim that friendships mostly do no last.
Perhaps this is true with ladies, no surprise there...but definitely not with men.

Yes, the possible talks of ‘na because of woman you ditch you guy and blah blah talk.. because we just grew apart but no fights, beef or arguments with them. Sigh!!!!!!

crackhaus:
Feelings

Baba no do oo. You are not a rehabilitation center.
Enough said.

Hmm! Had any similar experience?

mysticgal:
It saddens me that some people are condemning this lady. Okay, if this was the reverse case I.e a man, would you all allow the lady to marry the man? SMH.

From all the op said, it wasn’t casual sex, she at one point ‘Dated’ them but it was foolery so exactly how is this a problem? Besides, he says that the guys and himself are no longer friends.
Okay let’s imagine if he doesn’t marry her and he marries someone else, how are you sure op, that people who know the girl wouldn’t talk about you and your spouse over drinks, except she’s a FARGIN .

The only problem with I am having with this whole talk is you being restless. If you are, please forget it and let her go too. find someone else.

And anybody who is said to be matured ,who has sex with someone wouldn’t talk about shit because that’s what maturity is all about.

Yes no longer friends with the guys but my concern regarding this is that i will from time2time see and meet at some of these guys at events, places or function due to mutual friends,family &circle that still exist. It steals my peace and maybe some-part of my confidence.

I am finding it difficult to let her go because i have genuine feelings for her. You and I know that not many guys are discreet and mature about this sex thing, they will spill and spill to boost their ego even about stuff they did not do. The most concern for me is just whether i wont regret the decision to carry on with her or whether she will not one day dissppoint me or herself to let her guards down or get involved with anyone at that.

AfroKnight:
1. You have no rest in your spirit about the marriage.

2. She is not firm with guys. That means she doesn’t consider her relationship with you as exclusive enough to discourage “toasters”.

What bigger red flags do you need bro?

If you go ahead and marry her, you have accepted the terms and conditions.

1. ✔️
2. She did not used to be firm with guys but there is alot of improvment in this area not although she still is not there yet. She considers our relationship and yes she discourages toasters to a large extent but you know ladies can be funny when you have not proposed or married them!

baby124:
Then why did you chase her and maintain a relationship with her if you knew these things were important to you? If she did not give you a chance now, you will claim that women don’t like good guys. You think you are doing her a favor by dating her? When you are just occupying space in her life. You are still a small boy.

Please and please tell her you cannot date someone you know the men she has been with. Then kindly let her go abeg. I am sure a man that loves her has been trying to get her attention, but you are just there blocking it. I also hope for her sake that she has options, so that it will do you like film trick when she marries and you go on and start a #new# relationship. .

Never take decisions based on friends. I know a lot of people that have regretted this! Friendships mostly do not last and the person they will influence you to marry, you may just detest the person. Always go with your own choice.

Don’t quite get this but thanks for your contribution

izzou:
Everyone has a past bro

If you had dated and had sex with her friends, I'm sure you would want her to still stick with you.

But then, it's your call. If you know your emotions won't be able to stand this heat, take it outta the kitchen.

She may have genuinely changed, but your friends haven't

This is my fear, my friends have not changed. Only her and myself so dont want to be dealing with unnecessary stuff after marriage and my story being discussed jokingly over some bottles of beer amongst alcoholics.

Ogbunigwe2018:
The devil you know is better than the angel you don't.
I see you as a very complicated human being, if not you won't be entangled in this hullabaloo.

My advice is to proceed with the marriage, cos if you had the balls to date her in the first instance, then what's the worst that can happen

I didnt know all these when i met her, feelings were already involved before i found out.

crackhaus:
I can see you don't value your peace of mind
What in the tomfoolery kind of complicated-as-hell menstrual cycle of friends and acquaintances is this for heavens sake?

Are there no other girls?
Na wah o

It's an unwritten rule that a G must never get married to a woman who has been with any of his friends or acquaintances. It doesn't matter if he is still close to them or not. YOU JUST DON'T DO IT!
There are way too many single hunnies available for you to be playing Russian Roulette with one.

I agree with you but feelings are involved. Believe me, there are way too many ladies i agree but how many are marriage material? We the bachelors know what attains in the market!!

Vyolet:
You alone can have your woman's back, you alone can give her respect and have others respect her.
The most important thing is if she is truly changed and remorseful, is she also ready to be loyal?
There are men that married retired sex workers and things work Perfectly, Marriage is like a black-market, you never know what you will meet until you get in there.
Since those people are no longer in your circle even long before you met your fiance, then you may go ahead with her, In the end though, follow whatever your heart tells you.

Thanks for your contribution, these were my exact thoughts when I decided to continue with the relationship especially as i started seeing changes in her but my mind but despite the changes and improvement my mind does not just still have peace no matter how much i try to make it have peace. I have tried many different ways of sparking up the relationship but something just keeps putting doubt and worry on my mind..

The guys are no longer in my circle but i still see them and it will always be like that because we have alot of mutual friends and interwoven circles. I totally get your point but for lack of peace that i have to take that step with her.

bukatyne:
When you say circle, are you talking of acquaintances you can subtly part ways with or friends like business partners etc. you can't do without?

Are you also talking of dating one person, did not work out thingy or casual sex with a number of them?

If it is ex, I believe the person should be mature enough to move on and treat you both with respect: if it is causal sex with multiple people in one circle then you might want to move on.

Also, you say she is trying to be straightforward: in sexual matters, you are either straightforward aka faithful or not. If she was used to having causal sex in the past and she wanted to change, she knows the situations she should not get into.

You might also want to know why she wants to change: her biological clock is ticking and she wants to settle down? She has seen the error of her ways and truly repenting? She wasn't wise enough to discern when she was in a relationship with herself and had sex too soon? She had psychological issues and used sex to fill that need?

In summary, if your spirit does not have peace with this lady, move on.

While I understand the sentiment behind not wanting to start afresh, a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.

Yes, acquitances and friends i used to be close too. A few of the friends, we just greet but no close bonds any longer although not because of her but i just moved on from an unfocused & unserious lifestyle.

Yes, i am talking about both dated and just a few times together..
Straight like she has realised her former lifestyle was foolish. Not exactly having casual sex but but guys that persuade/pester her that they like her or they dated briefly, she had something with them.

She realised she was just being used and non of the guys that assured her of their faithfulness were true, they all just did her and moved on.. i am sure you get!

tosyne2much:
The circle shouldn't really be a problem or what exactly do you really mean by "circle"?


Has she been sleeping with your friends?

Dated a few people i know

tojahh:
Every time you have sex with her... You will always think of how others on your circle have had sex with her and wondered if this is how she screams and moan the whole bedroom while doing it.


In fact it causes low libido. Just take your share and let her go.

Easier said, feelings are now involved for me! Sigh!

Skyfornia:
Huh...my brother I'll advice you as a fellow brother, leave that lady and preserve your respect. I can't even date any lady I know her ex boyfriend not to talk of dating or marrying one that have dated someone in my circle. Those men will never respect you and your woman...

What if i have detached from these circles even before i met her, we had met and started dating when i found out about them.

I mean, what will their respect do for me because we dont belong to the same circle any longer. If she can prove that i will not regret my decision then maybe i might be willing to risk it

obi4eze:
If you have no rest in your spirit about her then something is wrong. There is something you're yet to find out about her.

Hmm!

izzou:


What do you mean by friends and circle being with her?

Like they've had sex with her?

Dated and had sex with her during the period, yes.

Guys! I need serious, real and honest contributions.. Thanks to all that will contribute.

I have a lady whom i am dating. I truly love and care about her but she has been with people that are in my circle and this disturbs me. She didnt used to be a straightforward and totally faithful person but i see that she is making efforts towards being completely honest and straightforward but still i dont have rest in my spirit about taking the decision to marry her.

I have observed she is soft with guys and is not firm, although i am aware it takes time for someone used to a particular pattern or lifestyle to adjus. I need help because breaking up with this lady will mean that i have to look for someone else to start the entire circle with again and who knows what if the new one also comes with even worse baggages.

My questions are these

1. What do you advice i do?
2. Who has been in similar situation where you fell in love with a lady your friends and circle have been with then married her? What was the experience like including things to look out for..
3. How can be sure i wont regret the decision to go forward?

Please feel free to ask me any question and i’ll answer if they are not sarcastic or jokes..

Thank you.

chenzen:
if u check, that lady should be my student. A spartan woman will never commit to u until she s sure u re serious beyond words about marrying her. Her options has to be open and ur circle of friends can be potential dates.

The truth is... things will remain the way they are for the reasons I believe u know already.

I dont get you

donbachi:
circle...should not be a determinant factor in choosing a wife..cos as time goes,many of them won't be there.but if married to ur friend and have a beautiful marriage tomorrow,it will attract like minds.lastly,when it favours u,people will tell u dat u made the best decision.if it doesn't..they will call it a mistake.so follow ur heart.

I know circle is not a determinant that was why i went ahead with the relationship despite knowing what i know. I totally agree with you on the fact that people will move on but i just dont want to regret plus i certainly dont want to make any mistake.. appreciate your contribute and i hope you understand my point.

thorpido:
Do you like her enough?Are you okay with her character now?You say she's not a honest person!
Everyone has one thing or the other in the past.Ask yourself if you are very okay with her if not let her go.
You can always start again.

Honestly, i love her but sincerely cannot say how much i do.. Characterwise like i said, she has improvwd but she is not there yet as i am still uncomfortable with something she does and her approach to somethings as well... another thing is that i always get paranoid on whether she will do right by me or turn out to be a big mistake!

I am honestly aware that i too have flaws that i am also working on but i know i genuinely want to be with her if my mind can just rest with her. Brother, starting over again is not usually as easy as you are painting it... Genuiene feelings are involved..