₦airaland Forum

MOTHER: Akpos I’m sorry I slept with someone that is not your father 23 years ago. And that person is your real father.
AKPOS: Mum, what rubbish! How could you! How am I to deal with this?! You should be hanged!”
MOTHER: I am sorry baby, he was my first love and I could not marry him because he is of a different religion. He is on the phone at the moment and wants to speak with you for the first time ever.
AKPOS: No, I am speaking to no one, Mr Bello is the only father I know and that will never change!
MOTHER: Please don’t be so upset. Just talk to him.
AKPOS: Okay, I will give him a piece of my mind!

Akpos already very angry, was ready to pour scorn on his real father

PHONE: Morning Son, I am Aliko Dangote. I am your real father.
AKPOS: [Totally in shock] I always knew there was something special about me. I never did like Mr. Bello as my father.

Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/the-real-father/

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in Nigeria and asked to be taken to the Ahmadu Bello Airport.

On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, “Oh! Toyota – Made in Japan! Very fast!”

Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi. “Oh! Nissan – Made in Japan! Very fast!”

Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said, “Oh! Mitsubishi – Made in Japan! Very fast!”

Akpos, who is 100% Nigerian, was starting to get a little annoyed that the Japanese made cars were passing his taxi when another car passed the taxi as they were turning into the airport. “Oh! Honda – Made in Japan! Very fast!”

Akpos stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, “That’ll be 5000 naira .”

The tourist exclaimed “5000 naira? It was short ride! Why so much?”

Akpos smiled as he replied, “Meter – Made in Nigeria. Very fast!”

One word for Akpos

Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/akpos-the-taxi-driver/

Nigerian movies, over time, have become a force to reckon with – a force that we all cannot but make jest of. For some reason though, Nollywood appears to be the best in the whole of Africa and that goes to show how low the standards are in these parts. Anyway, here are 5 reasons why most Nigerian movies are wack and may continue to be.

They shoot movies in a very short time

Looking for where full movies are shot in 2 weeks or a week? Nigeria is the hub for such practices. Owing to the short time frame, things tend to be rushed and many avoidable mistakes are made; hence, the countless bloopers and editing errors.

Low budget

Many Nigerian producers would rather flush a lot of money down the WC than invest it in a very good movie. Trust me, insufficient funds makes a lot of things go south. For crying out in French, get a good budget and shoot high quality movies; is that too much to ask for? We don’t care how you get it, just get it!

Their love for ‘film tricks’

Why hide from the camera for a kiss? Why shoot toy guns that sound very much like fake firecrackers? Why make a spirit be conscious of being spotted by people? Why? More of these you would find in Nollywood movies.

Uninteresting storyline and plot

It is usually drab and old-fashioned. In fact, many a time you can predict the end from the beginning, especially when the singing voice in the background narrates the entire story for you.

Inexperienced cast

That a movie is wack may mean that those actively or passively involved in its creation are wack too. Producers would rather not go for A-list actors, prominent actors or even good actors because of the cost involved, so they settle for green horns that would readily collect stipends. They forget that experience and expertise work magic.

And that’s Nollywood for you.

Watch out for the next post about Hollywood movies.
Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/5-reasons-why-most-nollywood-movies-are-wack/

For as long as we can remember, 50 Cent’s anger has helped him best his competition (save for Rick Ross and the IRS), and even his own cohorts. Now he’s directing his anger at one of his greatest allies of the past few years, Power creator and executive producer Courtney Kemp.

The Queens rapper threw multiple shots at Kemp on his Instagram account Saturday after he saw the final cut of a scene for Sunday’s episode of the Starz show that exposes his junk. Fif used the social media platform to call her a “bitch” in a since-deleted IG post, and demanded for her to return his phone calls immediately to discuss why she signed off to let his dick hang out in full view for the show’s audience to see. You can check this tweet below that has screenshots of all 50’s rants to Kemp on IG.

But according to Kemp, it was actually 50 who signed off on it— not just herself. She replied to 50 on her own IG account that he signed the waiver paperwork for the filming of the episode, and apparently he didn’t read the fine print before inscribing his John Hancock (excuse the pun) on the waiver.

So if you want to see what the brouhaha is all about, watch Power Season 3 Episode 4. Who knows, it could all be a clever marketing ploy by 50 to get people to tune in. Lame but effective.

Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/50-cent-blasts-power-creator-courtney-kemp-on-instagram-for-approving-a-sex-scene-that-exposed-his-junk/

MENZPRIDE:
I get your flow. But on the flip side, if it was meant to give pleasure Guys would still crack it!
Trust guys!!

Lols. I feel you.

Many people spend greater parts of their lives fantasizing about a beautiful future they have in mind. They spend so much time blowing off the candles on their birthday cakes that they never get around eating it. This is the reason dreams remain dreams and nothing more. Are you one of such people? It’s time to get up and get going.

It starts by deciding to stop wishing for things. See every wish as a potential miss; so instead of wishing, just start doing. For instance, if you want to be the next Donald Trump, just start now to be as controversial as you can; want to be a successful business owner? Start a small scale business now!

What most people fail to understand is that doing something is better than doing nothing. The patient dong gets old eventually and his reward probably comes late or never; you must take what you want and not wait for a later time. Delay could be detrimental.

Let me conclude by saying that some people never get to start anything because they don’t know the answers to the why, where, how questions. There are answers to these questions and it is in your drive to move ahead that you discover them. Don’t limit yourself.

Stay inspired!

Source: www.nerveng.com

I know many men (including those reading this post) love and admire the twin cuties that reside in the chest area of women. Well, their admiration for such a pleasant sight is mutual. It is not out of place, then, that we are inclined to have a feel whenever the opportunity presents itself and I believe you’d agree with me that it is always a memorable experience. Yes?

Okay. What if those same tits are as hard as rocks? Would you still admire them, long for them, or even remember the experience (good or bad) when you come in contact? Hmmmmmm….I sincerely doubt all that would still be the case. I mean, even the carriers of the small rocks would be burdened by its weight and their delicate skin scarred by its rough surface. Certainly then, we may have women use metallic bras to keep the naughty twins in check.

If boobs were rock-like then it would be totally avoided during sexual interaction. In fact, I think it would be better if it could be detached and kept aside until the entire exercise is done. But then, it would no longer be fun anymore as the boobs are known to augment and enhance the process.

I can say for sure that it is a good thing that boobs are not like that; damn, it would have been a real letdown.

Think weird!

Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/what-if-bbs-are-as-hard-as-rocks/

Let’s be honest . . .almost every woman goes through a wardrobe malfunction at some point in their lives.

It can be small like wearing your shirt on the wrong side. It can be big like your undergarment exposed underneath a see-through dress but we don’t have to suffer the whole world seeing it as these celebrities do.
We are going to be counting down the top 15 celebrity malfunctions: nip-slips, side-boobs,camel-toes and most memorable wardrobe mishaps.
1. Lindsay Lohan

Is anyone surprised she made this list, let’s think of it again, is there a list that has the word ‘malfunction’ and Lindsay wont be there. At least her hair covered her nipple. Lindsay again again, im starting to think her actions are deliberate.

See http://www.jokesmannia.com/15-top-celebrities-with-wardrobe-malfunction/ for all images

Here are a few tips on how to become financially stable as you build your business:

Keep personal and business finances separate

The reason for this is clear to any objective mind. You are not your business and your life will go on with or without your business. So distinguish yourself from your business as much as possible. Incorporate your business so that it develops its own identity and gives you the freedom to live your own life independently of your businesses ups and downs. Also open up a separate bank account for your business. If you borrow from your business or vice versa make sure you pay back and treat all money you invest in the business as a loan. This way if the business is in trouble or debt you and your family will only suffer to a certain limit.

Pay yourself a salary

Contrary to what you have heard about paying yourself a tiny salary or allowance you should actually pay yourself what you are worth to your business or what you would have to pay someone who does what you do for your business in your absence. The reason for this is that this helps you have your own financial life and limits the temptation to pass on your personal bills to the business and vice versa. Also getting paid for the work that you do for the business gives your balance sheet a true reflection of the business and helps gives you a true sense of value for your skills. IF your business is unable to pay you still write up your salary as an IOU – it will give you a reason to keep working hard so that you can claim your back salary from your business when your ships come in.

Stay Marketable

Even though you quit your career to start your business don’t kill your career totally. Even though you don’t ever plan to go back to employment stay marketable just in case. Update your CV with relevant tasks and projects from running your own business. Take as many courses that will keep you at the top of your career and collect as many certifications so that if the opportunity or need arises for you to go back into your career you can fall back into place without having to take a demotion or pay cut.

Source: www.nerveng.com

Keep your spending under control

As cliché as this may sound, budgeting is the foundation to living a financially healthy life. Easier said than done right? To make your way out of debt and keep out of debt you’ll have to find practical ways to keep your spending under control. Also keep your spending impulses in check and learn to cut your spending according to your budget.



Uncover cash flow problems

Basically, cash flow refers to the money that comes in and goes out of your account(s) over a specified period of time. If you barely make it through the month or you have just enough and can’t save at least 10% of your monthly income then that is a red flag. Review your spending patterns, figure out the expenses you can cut back on or spread over a longer period.

Draft a debt repayment plan

Nothing aggravates a debtor more than the silent treatment. Stop refusing to pick up your phone and pretending like your debt does not exist. Make a list of every one you owe. Figure out how much you can pay towards your debt each month. Stop incurring new debt and make a plan on how to pay off your current debtors. Be consistent and you will soon pay off all your debtors. Once this is done you are not free to start spending your debtors debt on yourself. No open up a savings account and learn to save and grow your wealth.

Source: www.nerveng.com

A man went to a bar and parked his bike close to where Akpos was standing.

After a couple of drinks, the man came out and was about to leave when he noticed his bike was missing. He saw Akpos roaming around and recognized Akpos standing close to where he parked his bike. So he decided to ask Akpos where his bike was:

MAN: Excuse me sir, I parked my bike here a few hours ago, do you by chance know where it is?
AKPOS: Before I tell you where your bike is, you have to buy me drinks.
MAN: Fine!

They both entered the bar, and the man virtually spent his last earnings on Akpos. After Akpos was thoroughly satisfied and almost drunk, the man asked him, “Can you now tell me where my bike is?”

“Come closer,” Akpos whispers to the man, “let me tell you, this place is not safe.”

“Alright.” the man obliges.

When he came closer, Akpos whispers into his ear and says, “I think your bike may have been stolen by someone.”

What do you think will happen to Akpos?

Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/akpos-and-the-missing-bike/

Your idea of a mad person could be Donald Trump and hey, I wouldn’t question your rationality for that (heck, I’d laud it); some other person might say the guy that does stupid things, and that’s not wrong too but for the sake of this post, here’s my idea of a mad person.

mad-man (image)

Now that we’re on the same page, let’s explore this topic.

If only mad men are not impotent then the fate of the world is in jeopardy. How many women do you know would be willing to get in bed with a mad person? It really would be a serious issue; and even if some women go ahead to do it, how could they live with the fact that their children’s father is a mad man?

If only mad men can impregnate women then other men would try to find ways to be potent themselves; but unfortunately, the only solution might be for them to become mad…and guess what? That would be pretty damn easy.

So would you rather remain a regular guy or would you join the extra-ordinary league of mad men? Let me know where you stand.

Think weird!

Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/what-if-only-mad-men-can-impregnate-women/

Lizards are known to have non-breeding seasons and breeding seasons when male lizards are free to go on a sexual rampage to devour any female in sight. The female lizards on their own part have the tendency to be choosy or just not in the mood. That’s when you see them trying to elope from the terror that are male lizards. Now what if women behave exactly like that, and by that I mean physically run away from men.

Well, for women to be running it means that somebody, either a sexually starved male or a ‘sex glutton’ started the chase. That translates to people running around our streets, roads, etc. Do you not like the speed with which people walk on the streets? Wait till this lizard mentality becomes infects humans.

We’ll also have rampant sexual assault. See this excerpt:

Some male lizards grab on to the head of a female with their mouth until she is ready to let him mate with her. They can remain attached this way for many hours, almost oblivious to their surroundings. Besides keeping her from running off to mate with another male, this courting behavior probably shows her how strong and suitable a mate he is.

Finally, ladies better think twice before taking any selfie especially while walking on the streets – the same streets where guys are lurking to get laid. Y’all are not safe…but hey, don’t take my word for it.

Think weird, stay weird!

Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/what-if-women-run-away-from-men-like-female-lizards/

In times past, we (Nigerians) have been blessed with songs creatively laden with revolutionary and patriotic lines. Inasmuch as this is the case, it appears that most people never really understood the songs let alone took it upon themselves to be that change they clamour for. This song by Timi Dakolo is one of such songs. I personally would have recommended it to be an alternative anthem for the country. Read on to discover the beauteous nature of the song.

Verse 2

Though we are many people
Different tribes: different tongues
We’re united in our strength and resolve
To uphold the honour of our land
And for generations to come

Timi says something quite important here: the need to take advantage of our numbers and not to use it against ourselves. According Ben Murray Bruce, Nigeria’s biggest problem is not corruption or poverty or crime, it is our inability to stand united; unity is our problem. We must understand that it is by seeing the next person as a brother that we all can work together peacefully towards achieving a great nation, a great legacy for the generations to come. Our numbers and ethnic differences could be a plus but could also be our greatest undoing, let us unite instead for the greater good.

Chorus

We’re all we have, we’ll defend our land
We believe in this nation, and we know we’ll get there
We’re all we have, we’ll defend our land
We believe in Nigeria and the promise she holds
And that one day we’ll shine like the sun
We’re a great nation

Timi also presents to us another important factor that can help us stay a great nation – belief. No matter how much other African nations look up to us, no matter how much they believe in us, it is our self-belief that really counts. It acts as a catalyst, a boost to ensuring that greatness is second nature. And at the tail end of the chorus he maintains that one day we’ll shine like the sun, that’s the height of it. It’s called dreaming big and that’s an attribute that every Nigerian should possess. Go beyond what you see now and begin to paint a bigger picture of Nigeria. It is not by bad-mouthing the government and being unpatriotic that real change comes; real change starts with you, what do you believe? What are you doing about what you believe?

I’ll round this off with that thought and I endear you to let it simmer into your heart – way past your head. You and I have a lot to offer to make our country a great nation indeed; let’s make it happen!

Till next time, stay inspired!

Source: www.nerveng.com

Good sales presentations always end up in getting a client to be head over heels in love with your product or the idea you have put in their heads. Truth be told, making a sales pitch only requires the spokesperson to know something about everything and everything about something . Sounds tricky right? Now that’s the first tip we’ll be looking into.
Know your product

It would be a really sorry situation if the seller of a product isn’t sufficiently aware of the product he is selling. It is therefore paramount to have every single detail at one’s fingertips; of course, there are times when you’re not really prepared for a presentation and that’s when you need to:

Sound convincing

A good sales pitch is not only measured by how well you know what you’re selling but also by how convincing you are. You need to be able to make your clients see beyond every reasonable doubt that your product is better than every other competition. Choose your words well, use examples, even create testimonials if you have to.

Get their attention

This is perhaps the first and most important tip here because without the attention of your audience/clients there can be no successful presentation. And how do you do that? Tell interesting stories, give statistics, tell jokes, modulate your voice to recapture those that are zoning out, relate exaggerated scenarios, etc. Just do anything to keep them focused and you have a high chance of getting something positive out of that presentation.

Go on and be a better salesperson.

Stay inspired!

Good sales presentations always end up in getting a client to be head over heels in love with your product or the idea you have put in their heads. Truth be told, making a sales pitch only requires the spokesperson to know something about everything and everything about something . Sounds tricky right? Now that’s the first tip we’ll be looking into.

Know your product

It would be a really sorry situation if the seller of a product isn’t sufficiently aware of the product he is selling. It is therefore paramount to have every single detail at one’s fingertips; of course, there are times when you’re not really prepared for a presentation and that’s when you need to:

Sound convincing

A good sales pitch is not only measured by how well you know what you’re selling but also by how convincing you are. You need to be able to make your clients see beyond every reasonable doubt that your product is better than every other competition. Choose your words well, use examples, even create testimonials if you have to.

Get their attention

This is perhaps the first and most important tip here because without the attention of your audience/clients there can be no successful presentation. And how do you do that? Tell interesting stories, give statistics, tell jokes, modulate your voice to recapture those that are zoning out, relate exaggerated scenarios, etc. Just do anything to keep them focused and you have a high chance of getting something positive out of that presentation.

Go on and be a better salesperson.

Stay inspired!

Source: www.nerveng.com

ARGUMENT:

{Mother} - My son must obey me unless he didn't suck my breasts for 1 year.

{Wife} - He sucks mine now and sucked it for more than 5yrs and is still sucking.

(Mother} - I carried him for nine months.

{Wife} - He was only 3.5kg then, so what's the big deal? I carry him every night and he is 85kg now.

{Mother} - He passed between my legs with pains.

{Wife} - Hahaha, he only passed there once, he stays between my legs like every day and I scream with pains each night.

Please WHO OWNS A MAN?

Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/who-really-owns-a-man-his-mother-or-wife/

Every one of us is special in our own way, uniquely designed to take on special and specific roles in our world. It is however unfortunate that some people never really find their bearing when it comes to discovering the right career path to thread. Here are some ideas that help:

Competence

The perfect options for anyone looking to make a career decision should first be based on how competent such a person is in that field. You can’t afford to pursue something you are not good at, something that you fail woefully at; if you do, you’d just be deceiving yourself and wasting your time – both of which are not helpful in any way. Go for your strengths.

Affection

How you feel about something is a very important factor to consider. Your feelings matter a lot because they would eventually reflect in the way you work or determine how productive you will be. Make a list of the things you like doing and would like to keep doing for a long time; also make a list of the things you are competent in, then compare and contrast.

Values

Do you have standards, strict religious beliefs or personal reservations? Let such be considered before you opt for any career path. So make your research first before getting into anything that you may have to get out of sooner or later.

Other factors to consider might include how good the financial benefits are but this should not be favoured over the other considerations to make because money cannot grant you the fulfillment you crave in the long run.

Source: nerveng.com

A go-getter is that person who sets out to do something and is disciplined enough to see it through…well. On the flip side, the mediocre doesn’t give a hoot about how things go down; in fact he is at home with the current state of things – good or bad. He doesn’t dream and he surely doesn’t give his best to make anything meaningful happen.

Qualities of a go-getter

They dream: Go-getters dream and motivate themselves to achieve their dreams. They don’t sit back and wait for someone else to do the dreaming and work the work.

They love their job: Being successful is not attained by mistake; one of the factors that accounts for this is passion. Go-getters are passionate about what they do and that in itself is enough fire to push them to achieve seemingly impossible feats.

They move with the right people: The right companions are the best companions. They are there to whip you back in line whenever you deviate and also to augment your brilliant ideas with theirs. Go-getters move with like-minds.

They don’t quit: Never say never! That’s the kind of attitude they have; they don’t quit until it is over.

The mediocre is basically the opposite of the go-getter. He compromises, he delays, he doesn’t see projects through and is certainly not someone to count on. Which of these are you?

Fact is, anyone can be a go-getter, you just have to make a conscious decision to be one, followed by taking action.

Source: www.nerveng.com

There are speakers and there are effective speakers; effective speakers are more successful than just ordinary speakers, not necessarily in terms of financial worth but the impact they make. It is true that a speaker’s job is to communicate his ideas and not necessarily to follow up on the listener’s journey to applying those ideas and seeing results; it is therefore the modus operandi of the speaker that makes him stand out from speakers in the same field.

An effective speaker is bent on getting the message across to his listeners in the simplest way possible. As such, he employs a variety of examples, scenarios, experiences, as they apply to his audience which is obviously made up of people from different backgrounds, climes, or even beliefs, etc. Basically, an effective speaker understands his audience and manipulates his speech to suit all of them.

A speaker does not take into cognizance the implication of his choice of words, so he says whatever comes to mind whenever it does. The more grandiose the word is the better – at least to make his audience see him as a moving dictionary. Unfortunately, that’s the best such can achieve. There’s no meaningful message passed that is well understood let alone practiced.

An effective speaker is a psycho-analyst, he recognizes and has the ability to tell the difference and meanings associated to different body communications or body gestures. His knowledge of this helps him manipulate his audience to his advantage. An ordinary speaker is totally adamant and goes about his business of speaking without caring to notice the reactions of his audience.

Are you just a speaker or are you an effective speaker? Decide today.

Stay inspired!

Source: nerveng.com

Here are other expressions that you should avoid when dealing with your employees:

Just handle it, I don’t care how you do

Don’t leave your employees just like that with no help, no assistance, no advice, no correction. When they do something wrong or make certain avoidable mistakes, it is okay to be mad for a while, but always come back to set things straight and put them back on the right track. Always remember that their failure is your failure too and you don’t want that. Also, when you assist your employees, the favour is always returned whether you ask for it or not. It’s just karma. They’d do their job and do extra and feel good about it because they know you’ve got their back too.

You are lucky you have a job

They are not lucky! Never use that expression. They were hired because they have the needed skills to get the job done, tell them they are lucky because they aren’t. You have to start seeing them as key players that you need for a successful business career. Saying something like this to them is also a confidence killer, the ones who are emotionally weak may break down completely and quit the job; those who are a bit tough may take an oath to make your job as difficult as they possibly can.

You are stupid, worthless etc
Insults and abuses are very demeaning especially when said with such a tone that could make someone cry. When you make it a habit to abuse your workers on a daily basis, there would be a strain in your relationship and ultimately it will tell on the productivity of the business. Looking down on people and denigrating them will not make them respect you more; in fact, it will only attract the opposite. They will talk behind your back and frustrate your career. But when you shower them with duly deserved praise and approbation, they will naturally love you, and we all know what genuine love could make a person do – anything to make the other person happy.

You are doing a terrible job

If you are not going to comment on their performance reasonably and respectfully then don’t comment at all. I am not saying that you should ignore someone who is not delivering on his job, I am saying there are subtle ways to drive the message home. First, appreciate their efforts and their high points, then point out areas that need urgent change or improvement. They are likely to understand you better and commit themselves to becoming better workers than if you just crucify them totally with your mouth.

Diplomacy in inter-personal relations is very important. Be mindful of what you say at any point you find yourself. The office is no exception.

Source: nerveng.com

Technology has changed a lot of things in our world and with the way things are going, I am pretty sure that the craziest, out-of-the-world, I-can’t-believe-my-eye productions are still to come. In light of this, the emergence of the Samsung Teleport mobile device shouldn’t come as a surprise.

If this phone is available then I’d have no qualms with people who sell one of their kidneys to buy it because that phone is going to be as expensive as (I would have said hell, but nah…it’s easy to get there), so I’ll say heaven. Sell whatever you have to sell to get that phone and you’ll not be making the wrong call because that Samsung device could get you inside a bank vault – where you could choose to just sightsee.

An important factor to consider that naturally follows after the production of such a masterpiece is the fact that other mobile companies would go find their own spiritual powers to build something more intriguing. For instance, Apple could come up with a phone that is able to heal deadly diseases like cancer, AIDS, etc. And that’s when the real competition would begin; so would you rather get a phone that can teleport you wherever you want or an Iphone that can heal the sick?

The stakes would just keep getting high and high and the world would keep changing until some superior power gets frustrated and blows the final whistle.

What phone would you rather buy – Samsung or Iphone?

Think weird!

Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/what-if-samsung-makes-a-phone-that-can-teleport/

The missing part of the above title is: what would you do? Imagine finding out after years of marriage that the man you’re with is actually related to you, what would you do?

The story:

Your mother’s sister ran away from home soon after your strict father got to know about her pregnancy during her teenage years. Since then, their paths never crossed until recently, when your mother saw the picture of your husband’s deceased mother. Now you know what’s up; what would you do? But before I give you a chance to respond to that, let me share my own thoughts on this.

If I had to advise someone, I’ll definitely say what God has joined together, let no man put asunder. After all, we have been made to believe that that joining is meant to be permanent till death do them part. It would feel awkward at first, definitely; the thought of having sexual relations with your cousin would keep popping up each time he’s ready to rumble; but just as the tomato paste that came pouring out on your wedding night (if you actually kept the fruit), this will pass.

Another thing is, don’t tell him, if he doesn’t know himself. If you do tell him, then he would become as conscious of the fact like you; and that would double the awkwardness, and trust me you don’t want to have your husband acting like a brother. All I’m saying is, keep it a secret…as you have always done…with many other things. *winks*

It’s your turn now. What would you do?

Think weird!

Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/what-if-your-man-is-your-mothers-sisters-son/

Have you seen a nerd before? They look absolutely geeky and are not fun at all; here’s a pic to show what I mean:

Visit source for image

Anyway, call girls are known to wear dresses that make them look attractive, which increases their chances of hooking some random guy who has a lot or little money to part with for some fun. What if call girls don’t wear skimpy things? What if they dress like nerds and still go about their business?

Well, I think their market would suffer a fatal blow – a drop in number of clients that patronize them. Every business enterprise has its allures that attracts and keeps customers and that which stands out for call girls is their seductive looks which is accentuated by the lusty dresses they wear. Married women can be at ease knowing that their husbands wouldn’t pay much attention to nerd-looking call girls.

The irony about call girls dressing like nerds is that they could actually use it to their advantage, you know; make the best out of a seemingly bad situation. So don’t be surprised if call girls have slutty-nerdy looks like this:

After all, business must go on and money must be made one way or another. Personally, I think call girls should stay the way they are; I believe the rest of my kind (men) should support me on this. We really look forward to staring at their goodies whenever they pass by, and whenever we… okay I’ll stop there.

Till next time, think weird, laugh and be happy!

Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/what-if-call-gir…dress-like-nerds/

Certain words are better left unsaid for the good of both the speaker and the listener. In the case of employer-employee situation, diplomacy in tensed situations is always a better card to play. As a boss, you are a leader and great leaders inspire their followers not rob them of the confidence they have. So you might want to avoid the following direct statements to your employees:

This is my company

Of course, your name is written in capital letters on the products or you call the shots all the time, which is what they already know, there is no need to rub it in their faces. Do not forget that though you are the boss you need others to keep your business alive. It is currently running because different people are performing different duties that only you cannot handle. You have to see them as your team and not just people you pay to work for you; see them as partners and not beggars. Telling an employee that he is not important or needed in your company by saying those words could affect their commitment to the job.
I don’t care what you think
My dear, you have to pay attention to what they think because what they think is likely to revolutionize your business positively. You do not have all the knowledge and certainly not the creativity that is relative and particular to different individuals. Contributions, suggestions and feedback should be entertained and considered for the good of the business, and for fostering a healthy employer-employee relationship. Don’t care about what they think and they will stop caring enough to think critically on ways to project the company higher than it already is.

I knew you would fail

Confidence is a requisite for success. Whenever things don’t happen the way it is planned and the first thing you do is own up that you had little faith in them, you kill whatever aota of confidence they have left. And so whenever a new assignment pops up they are more likely to fail than excel because you do not believe in them. A person’s self-esteem is very key and you do not want to be found killing it; instead, groom it and you’ll be astounded at the level of success that will come. Let them know you trust their decisions, their actions, and their methods, and that you know they will succeed. It works. Even if things go south, that belief will keep them gunning for success despite the setback.

Stamp your feet on the ground whenever common sense calls for it and move on; but don’t be too difficult all the time. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you find a balance.

Source: nerveng.com

Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution remains a topic many have different views about. Did man really evolve from apelike ancestors? Or was man created and placed on earth as most religious factions preach? Well, I don’t know, but in this article I explore the idea that man evolved into what he is today.

If man did evolve, then we all should be expecting another evolution soon. I’m however concerned about our appearance this time. That we moved from ugly to beautiful (that is, apelike to humans) does not mean that the upward movement will continue. It might just be a great fall from grace to the bacteria that thrives on grass.

If man really evolved, I want to believe the evolution did not happen all at once, in the sense that some people evolved first before others. Now, if that is the case, I can only imagine the kind of stigma the changed ones faced at the hands of their ugly former kind. And then, it must have been pretty bad for the few who had still not experienced the change after most of their counterparts had. I guess such folks found solace in isolation and consistently got high on the liquor of hope.

If man really evolved then Darwin can be proud of his theory; it doesn’t matter where he is right now, a little moment of joy should be accorded him amidst the flames.

What are your thoughts?

Think weird!

This young gentleman needs no introduction, we all know who he is; as the title posits, he is unarguably the greatest player the footballing world has ever seen. He is consistent, daring, and never ceases to amaze his teeming fans worldwide. Heck, every football fan would give anything to have him join their team. But all of this is did not come about by accident; what’s his story?

Messi was diagnosed with growth hormone deficiency, after which he joined Barcelona who agreed to pay for his treatment. His condition made him prone to injuries but that did t stop the whizkid from wowing the world and making a name for himself. Messi has broken and made astounding records since then and has not looked back for once.

Many a people are set back by setbacks similar to Lionel Messi’s, they give too much attention to the challenge and little attention to the bigger picture. They see their issues but never a solution, and that pretty much seals their fate. It’s never too late to realize how detrimental such erroneous conclusions are; take a cue from Lionel Messi and be the best you can be. Shift your focus from the odds stacked against you, reposition them to a better and brighter future ahead.

Readmore @ http://www.nerveng.com/lionel-messi-the-undisputed-football-legend/
Stay inspired!

There are some things we do that require zero talent. Below are ten things that requires zero talent. See source for all 10.

Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/10-things-that-require-zero-talent/

If you haven’t heard about Melanie Trump and the stunt she pulled with her speech, well here it is: apparently her speech relied heavily on that of America’s first lady which was delivered 8 years ago. So that we are on the same page, see this video as proof of plagiarism before we zoom into the why question.

Visit source for video

Well, I am inclined to believe two things: One, it was done on purpose to achieve an aim. Two, it was a major flaw by her speech writers that she, for some reason, failed to correct. Let’s start with the first. If it was done on purpose, then I must say that that was not a smart move. As much as the Trump family have dedicated their lives to being widely controversial and have succeeded tremendously, this is just a letdown. I mean, what were they or what was she trying to achieve exactly? Warm her way into the hearts of Americans by using an already successful speech? Well, if that’s the case, I don’t think that turned out well, but then, America is still America; don’t ask me what that means.

Image. Visit source.

So these two are presumed to be responsible for Melanie’s public show of incompetence; if they are truly her speech writers then I am not surprised at all that they did what they did. That’s what you get when you pick up ghetto guys to man such positions. They probably just searched on the internet for the best speech that would get the crowd blown away and found Michelle Obama’s waiting to be snipped. Although I blame them but I’m still distraught with Melanie because she didn’t recognize or did recognize the similarity but decided to go on for lack of a better speech. What ignorance!

As a subtle anti-Trump agitator, I hope Americans see this as a bad omen that would lead to many more embarrassing situations when if she becomes the first lady.

What are your thoughts on this? Comment freely…

Think weird!

Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/why-melanie-trump-copied-michelle-obamas-speech/

A weird Facebook user named Victor Daniel has found himself trending on social media over this hilarious narrative he posted online yesterday. In the interesting piece, Mr Daniel talks about his sexless relationship with a born-again lady named Ifeoma.

See image for his story.

Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/man-masturbated-or-4-years-just-because-his-born-again-gf-refused-him-sex-breast-touching/

The company my cousin works, made an Employee Handbook yesterday. After going through it, he brought it for me to go through. Now I’m bringing it for you all to go through. It reads,

EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing 30,000 Naira sneakers and carrying a 45,000 Naira bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in – between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: December 25th and January 1st.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co – workers. Every effort should be made to have non – employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least a two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

LUNCH BREAK: Slim people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a slim fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice weekend!.

Read more @ http://www.jokesmannia.com/employee-handbook/

Akpos went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Akpos in the eye, and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month to live.”

Akpos was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. Akpos said, “Well son, we Nigerians celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer, and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the joint and have a few beers.”

After three or four beers, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Akpos’ old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Akpos told them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends gave Akpos their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Akpos’ son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

Akpos said, “I am dying of cancer, son. I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

Source: http://www.jokesmannia.com/akpos-to-die-from-cancer/

GIRLFRIEND: Good morning sweetheart.

BOYFRIEND: Good morning darling. (sending failed)

GIRLFRIEND: Why don't you want to reply my message, don't you have my time?

BOYFRIEND: I have tried to reply but the network is poor! (sending failed)

GIRLFRIEND: if you don't love me; ignore my message, if you really love me; reply me.

BOYFRIEND: I Love You. (sending failed)

GIRLFRIEND: Do you love me

BOYFRIEND: I Love You Baby. (sending failed)

GIRLFRIEND: Never speak to me again!

BOYFRIEND: I Love You Sweetie (sending failed).

GIRLFRIEND: Do you want to end our relationship?

BOYFRIEND: I'm fed up of this shit!!! (message sent).