[quote author=VanDerWaalforces post=102135381].

JovialJune:



Why did you remove the (f) indication on your moniker na, aren't you proud of claiming to be a female, in your mind Matheus Martin is a female name abi,

Nsidime.

.

Ok.

The challenge with infidelity is that it makes you question everything. For example, someone asked what our sex life was like. I would have said good before now but after her stepping out it's hard to know. By her own admission, she didn't have issues with our sex life, if anything I wasn't getting as much as I would have liked but was ok with it. Whether she's satisfied by them, it's only her that can answer that truly. It wouldn't be uncommon however for us to make love for over an hour.

The sex with the other guy was of course a pleasurable experience for her as it's forbidden fruit and will always be impossible to compete with. Challenge now is that she has a new reference point that wasn't there before. This will make sex between us more complex as it may not ever compare to the highs of the forbidden new guy who wanted to do his best to please her. And by her account he did. So yeah, a difficult situation to be in.

The other guy is also relentless in his pursuit and actively lured and chased her knowing fully well of my existence. I also warned her of the danger of the guy so she didn't heed my warnings, so, yea, there are a lot of things to unpack. She's doing therapy now and we will soon go to counselling together to find a way to get past this hurt and chart what the new relationship will look like. Whether it will be together or apart, only time will tell.

Although there is always two sides to a story, but sir I'm sure you ignored the red flags during courtship. 10years of marriage is a long haul but as long as the basis surrounding an unstable union is infidelity then I support a divorce to save your mental health.

If this story is true, I personally have been there and all i will ask the OP to do is to grant her the wish for divorce. When a woman cheats on you to the point of having sex with another guy, she has lost love for you, lost respect for you and lost value for you. Nothing you will do that will make her reconnect back to you as it were before. When it comes to the interest of a woman or women know that some of them majority are so selfish and don't think twice of consequence or aftermath of their action. You can imagine a woman with kids saying this nonsense to a husband who is well involved in the family to the point of working his ass to take of his family and all the wife could do is to open her leg for another man or guy. OP man up and let her be, but i guarantee you the tears will roll in in later years not now, by then you must have healed and moved on. Don't worry about your kids, they will be fine if only you can have them in your custody, regardless of who has them please do not neglect them, but ensure that they are truly yours to start with and if you find out that they are not yours still be a father to them, because you are the one they know as their father. When it comes to the heart of a woman please know that they can love you today and hate you tomorrow, you cant guarantee anything with this genders because of their emotional roller coaster nature. its disgusting to think that a wife of 10 years in marriage is acting this way and all she wants is freedom through divorce. The person she is enjoying sex with will one day be tired of her and dump her. People call you simp, weak and the rest to me your are not, all i see is a man who has family values and wants to make his family work regardless of what has transpired, my owning pain is that you let her see your tears because of what she did to you and it has furthermore heightened her stupidity to threat you worst. Let her have the divorce and have your peace of mind, Heaven will not hold you accountable in this case. If you can not control a woman you can not control her loyalty to you and your marriage. A woman's loyalty is not tied to looks, attractiveness or handsomeness or even money but for her choice to be loyal and for her to know and see that you have emotional strength and intelligence and to put her in check if she misbehave, always caution a woman who is misbehaving. When my ex was misbehaving i was trying to make things work she was still doing her thing. I did not lay hands on her, it was a simple text message i sent to her, that made her cry and cry and did all she could to get me back, i said sorry i have moved on so do as well. I showed her that i hard inner strength all the while she was abusing and disrespecting me, she injured my hands with a sharp metal, i almost lost that hand i had to separate from her toxicity only for me to discover she was digging another guy bumpa to bumpa. I sent her my final sms and i left her for good, today she took in for the guy and they are married but the guy does not know what he married. She ,married him cos of money and greed, when he looses his, money that's when he will know the snake he calls wife he married. A lot of men are going through alot of things maritaly this days that they can not say because of what the society will think and say and most times the society will see them as the fault and begin to throw stones at them. In my observation their are many Nigerian ladies that are not truly marriageble. I have always kneel before God every morning to pray for Him to give me my own wife, there are good ladies out there i am not disputing the fact, but please pray that God should give you your own. No follow bobi and yansh oooooo abeg. For young guyz out their no matter how the temptation and enticing the temption to sleep with a maried woman please run away from the temptation that will make you sleep with another mans wife this is also applicable to ladies, but we know this gender do it more for the MULA. As long as her bride price has been paid she is legally bound to a covenant maritally and that alone should make you know that you should not sow what you dont want to reap in the future. The apex of cheating is sex and this stuff is satanic because i see no reason why you want to eat same food you can eat at home elsewhere under the atmosphere of guilt and shame. God will connect us to our own very spouse, i dont have any plans to cheat on my wife in marriage if i can keep myself for over 3 decades i dont see anything so special about sex that will make me to start misbehaving. OP God will bless you for the kind of heart you have i have my respect for you as a man but you have to separate yourself from this woman before the demon that has come over her will lead her to hurt you or attempt to kill you. Your life and safety first. One love.

Advising this op is a big waste of time.

He wouldn't listen now, cos he didn't listen before.

He has been here before, everyone advice him to leave, he was saying the woman is pleading to fulfill her destiny with him bla, bla , bla.....

It's not the first time she's seeing a therapist or going for counseling.its been on for years...

He wrote this last year...
https://www.nairaland.com/5650519/wife-still-cheating#86090707

I wanted to mind my business but......

Foodqueen:
Advising this op is a big waste of time.

He wouldn't listen now, cos he didn't listen before.

He has been here before, everyone advise him to leave, he was saying the woman is pleading to fulfill her destiny with him bla, bla , bla.....

It's not the first time she's seeing a therapist or going for counseling.its been on for years...

He wrote this last year...
https://www.nairaland.com/5650519/wife-still-cheating#86090707

I wanted to mind my business but......

jovialjune... Still think op is not a weakling?

Reading op's previous thread. Now I'm certain there's a 80% chance his kids ain't his.

Lorayne:
Reading op's previous thread. Now I'm certain there's a 80% chance his kids ain't his.

They are his. He ran a dna test then and it all came out positive.

Foodqueen:


They are his. He ran a dna test then and it all came out positive.

He should do it again!

Nancystan:
I never said i cheated on my hubby, all i ever wanted is an attention and care buh rather he's giving to others girls. All am saying if he continue that way i will fall for someone and be he's fault cos he's not for me .. thanks for calling me hoe
i love my husband buh I think he doesn't love me

.. only idiot women will support this shit.

Wanna sleep with other men, get a divorce, get a butt lift and an Instagram account; boom
.. you get all the care and attention you desire. You could also get rich while at it.

Hashabiah:
God will heal you my brother. My advice : Give her the divorce she desires and set yourself free from her evil . Because I forsee evil untold befalling her, and you should separate yourself from her quickly lest you be consumed when God decides to visit judgment on her

A sad and unfortunate situation..
I hope you do recover from it.. my mind also tells me that you are reluctant to Grant her the divorce.. and that would make her kill you slowly and have her freedom..
Forgive her and Grant her the divorce.. even your Bible support it..

RightToReject:


Her offense is definitely not a dealbreaker for you, so forgive her or better still try worshipping her. Both of you deserve each other. Now stop goading people.

The Op na mumu I swear .
He should stop complaining and allow the wife Bleep her boyfriend in his matrimonial home..
He should even bring them lubricant and fan them..

Bhus21:
2 days after I found out and going through emotional turmoil. I resolved to do the Christ-like thing and give the marriage a chance. I spoke to her at length and tried to convince her of her folly. I then made a candle-lit dinner at night and bought some flowers. I then extracted a commitment to work on the marriage for 6 months.

So imagine my horror when 2 days later I find out she was still talking to her affair partner for hours. Omo this wahala is even deeper than I thought.

Kai.. this one na disgrace to menfolk oo..
See Op . Invite the man to Bleep your wife in your home and please do help them with lubricants..
Fan them when they are knacking and also prepare them e sumptuous meal..
Onye Nzuzu..

eduj:

if a lady I have a relationship with cheats me out of "boredom", I will end the relationship out of "excitement".
Men who forgive a cheating woman are mostly those who cheat or are financially dependent. A well to do man who doesn't cheat will find it very difficult to take back a cheating partner

Sorry to disagree a little bro..
I am financially capable.. I pay all my bills comfortably and I cheat too.. guess what.. I don't take back any of my babes when they cheat ...
It is all about orientation, mindset and abundance mindset..

People don't realize the upheaval that's currently happening in our societies and relationships. Many of us still have this archaic vision of what life and relationships should be. The reality is that it's 2021, we live a very modern life with technology everywhere. This means the old models of marriages and families in Africa don't really apply as they used to.

The idea for instance that men can cheat willy nilly while women can't is dead and gone. Women are now equal to men and can and should do as they please. You can't beat your wife, you can't be cruel or maltreat her just because she's a woman or because she wrongs you. No matter what she does, if she doesn't break the law, she has every right to do it just as every man also has the right to do as he pleases.

Fundamentally, I believe in this equality so i know that my partner has the right to do as she pleases. Women on the other hand I think are stepping into a new world of rights but don't fully understand the responsibilities that go with these rights. The way however to sensitize women to their newfound responsibilities is not via violence but rather persuasion. The challenge however is that women are more emotional and so the form of persuasion they need is an emotional variant. Being the betrayed partner it's difficult to offer this soft emotional persuasion but it's really the only way to go. Mixing it with some tough love also sha when boundaries are overstepped is also important. Tough love being firm with consequences when there's error and not violence or abuse.

The option of being wicked, controlling and authoritarian is not really compatible with modern relationships. Insisting on being this way will mean you as a man leave a trail of broken and unhappy people. This is my world view and while some people think it weak, if you consider it deeply you will understand the validity in it in today's world.

Anyway sha this is me just thinking aloud. I hope it makes some sense. I'm still in a holding pattern with occasional emotional outbursts. These will cool with time and I'll be able to make rational decisions. Till then, my default position is hoping we can recreate a new stable relationship.

Bhus21:


I agree, there's definitely a double standard. The reality however is that modern marriages are a partnership of equals so what is good for the goose is equally good for the gander. Women stay and work on it for the kids, don't see why a man doing the same thing means he's a "simp".

Imagine people suggesting violence and cruelty as a response to cheating because "alpha male". May toxic masculinity not kill you people and your families. As for me, I chose differently. I may leave in the end but it will be on my own terms and in a healthy manner that considers the wellbeing of my children.

You are a wise man. Please do go to jw dot org for articles that can help your marriage. May you and your family find peace. Regards.

The OP already knows what he wanted, no matter what you say he has a way to defend it. He is a mature man and I believe he knows what he want either good or bad. He is even defending the woman right to do whatever she wants while in marriage. The wife forgot the marital vows well I doubt if the they both understand what is called marital vows.

For a woman to do that to you after 10 years you claim you guys are married, she is not worth a wife and a mother.

For her to ask for a divorce that means she never consider the children the way OP is doing, she never see things the way OP is seeing thing. She is wicked.

OP you are not a kid please do whatever pleases you. Na u know weyti u want for yourself and your family. Sha know that an adultery wife is not good for the kids, sooner or later she will pass it upon her female child.

Foodqueen:
Advising this op is a big waste of time.

He wouldn't listen now, cos he didn't listen before.

He has been here before, everyone advice him to leave, he was saying the woman is pleading to fulfill her destiny with him bla, bla , bla.....

It's not the first time she's seeing a therapist or going for counseling.its been on for years...

He wrote this last year...
https://www.nairaland.com/5650519/wife-still-cheating#86090707

I wanted to mind my business but......

Hmmmm....aunty food, love matter is crazy fa. The OP is probably still in love with the madam plus he really wants to keep the family together. How sad. You know where it would end? The guy will develop high bp, the babe will cheat again, their union will eventually be totally empty so much so that even if they continue to stay together,they will only be roomies. At the end of it all, the guy will be the greatest loser....losing his good health, sanity, self worth, chance at a better life, his youthfulness, simple happiness, peace of mind and everything in between.

Shes gone man, get used to that. It is well.

sisisioge:



Hmmmm....aunty food, love matter is crazy fa. The OP is probably still in love with the madam plus he really wants to keep the family together. How sad. You know where it would end? The guy will develop high bp, the babe will cheat again, their union will eventually be totally empty so much so that even if they continue to stay together,they will only be roomies. At the end of it all, the guy will be the greatest loser....losing his good health, sanity, self worth, chance at a better life, his youthfulness, simple happiness, peace of mind and everything in between.

Shes gone man, get used to that. It is well.

My sis, the only end I see is that op, will finally commit suicide.

If he was my elder brother, I would av slapped him so he can take my case to the village head.

That woman no send am at all.

Bhus21:
People don't realize the upheaval that's currently happening in our societies and relationships. Many of us still have this archaic vision of what life and relationships should be. The reality is that it's 2021, we live a very modern life with technology everywhere. This means the old models of marriages and families in Africa don't really apply as they used to.

The idea for instance that men can cheat willy nilly while women can't is dead and gone. Women are now equal to men and can and should do as they please. You can't beat your wife, you can't be cruel or maltreat her just because she's a woman or because she wrongs you. No matter what she does, if she doesn't break the law, she has every right to do it just as every man also has the right to do as he pleases.

Fundamentally, I believe in this equality so i know that my partner has the right to do as she pleases. Women on the other hand I think are stepping into a new world of rights but don't fully understand the responsibilities that go with these rights. The way however to sensitize women to their newfound responsibilities is not via violence but rather persuasion. The challenge however is that women are more emotional and so the form of persuasion they need is an emotional variant. Being the betrayed partner it's difficult to offer this soft emotional persuasion but it's really the only way to go. Mixing it with some tough love also sha when boundaries are overstepped is also important. Tough love being firm with consequences when there's error and not violence or abuse.

The option of being wicked, controlling and authoritarian is not really compatible with modern relationships. Insisting on being this way will mean you as a man leave a trail of broken and unhappy people. This is my world view and while some people think it weak, if you consider it deeply you will understand the validity in it in today's world.

Anyway sha this is me just thinking aloud. I hope it makes some sense. I'm still in a holding pattern with occasional emotional outbursts. These will cool with time and I'll be able to make rational decisions. Till then, my default position is hoping we can recreate a new stable relationship.

going through your posts again and your previous thread, I think you’re losing your sanity. You are going crazy and you don’t even realise it. I’m praying for you.

Damn. . You need help bro. This is too bad

I really don't get what the whole brouhaha is about, shouting simp and all what not about the thread.

OP wants to fight for his marriage because he beleive s things can still be better, that's his own view and principle.

Cheating is terrible and it hurts the partners deeply, so sorry for what he is passing through.

Some marriages have survived worst and he wants to give a chance.

He wrote this last year...
https://www.nairaland.com/5650519/wife-still-cheating#86090707

....[/quote]

Wow, thanks for this insight and backstory; it clarifies a lot of things. OP, your wife didn't just cheat on you, she is a sex addict. She is the same as a drug addict, reasoning with her will not change anything. Forget her promises for reformation, she can never change unless she goes for rehabilitation and detoxes completely. Can drug addicts stop themselves from bankrupting their lives and destiny? No, they cannot and in this case, sex is her drug and she will always need her daily fix until something drastic changes. Sometimes addicts have to be left to hit rock bottom before real change can come. Here in the US, they have rehabilitation centers for sex addicts. They are committed for weeks with no contact with the outside world. No phone, no internet, and intensive therapy. And even then, some of them relapse and go back to their vomit when they come out. I dunno if they have this in Naija but you can also hold her accountable and she has to win your trust back. No more chatting erotically with random dudes! Even if they do not see physically, this is still an emotional affair which studies show can be even more devastating than a physical one. If you confiscate her phone for a week you will see how she will cry and beg you...she might even refuse to eat.....that will show you the level of the addiction. Honestly, I don't even know what to say anymore. It's women like this that give these 'redpillers' the ammunition to demonize all women saying ALL women are whores and disloyal. OP give yourself a real chance to heal and let your wife get real help for her sexual addiction....The last thing you need is to be an enabler, making excuses for her. The best way to love her right now is to give her the space to fix this addiction. She needs to decide on her own to cut out this deplorable behavior once and for all. I've read of sex addicts who give away their phones, computers, tablets, TVs, etc; turning their back on anything that can bring temptation. An alcoholic should not even go near a club or have a taste of wine....same thing, a sex addict has to run far from temptation. You also need therapy; the trauma is much and you will likely feel it for years to come. Prayers your way....

Bhus21:


Yes, we had a low conflict marriage. Of course, there were the usual challenges of marriage but nothing insurmountable. And not like I wasn't willing to improve and work on it. In fact, I've steadily improved as a husband by her own admission. This particular act is entirely inexplicable to me so I'm still trying to make sense of it all.

She needs a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and need to work on self control. However, let her know she's free to leave whenever she wants to. Do yourself a favor and cut her off financially, while separated.

Also, I think the men are after her money or else why would so many men be so interested in a woman with 3 kids? Maybe seperation and not necessarily outright divorce at first. This way, both parties would be able to know the way forward, and to leave enough time for all to be free emotionally.

Stop covering her sins up. Maybe that's why she could continue this way. Let her go out there and do it all and see it all till she realizes herself. Let her miss you guys, her family. So she has to choose between her lifestyle and family. You and the kids might be in a better place emotionally or moved on when she's back to her senses.

Is she in anyway addicted to drugs or something? Maybe these men are are suppliers or providers so she feels she owes them her body.

Really shocked as most times its women who usually find themselves in this kind of circumstance. And thanks for being the kind of father and husband you have been from your description. A pastor usually said God will give you after your kind, but your case reminds me of the man of God who married an harlot in the Bible. It's well with you.

Bhus21:
Some 3 weeks ago I confronted my wife about a man she'd been seeing. She unapologetically told me she had slept with him and wanted a divorce. This is my attempt to process this shock to my system and heal from the trauma.

I no longer fear what the devils can do. Marriage is my only fear right now

Winneygirl:
Take some time.
Have a heart to heart talk with her. So you ask the questions that are burning in your heart.
So you can know if your marriage is salvageable...
That is the first step.

...there is nothing salvageable in the marriage...if the lady could sleep with someone, boldly declare that she did it and ask for a divorce, then they have had all the communication necessary and the marriage is already terminated...the man needs to let her go, dedicate sufficient time to healing, join functional social groups that would be a good buffer for him and move on!

Bhus21:
A few posters think this is a made-up scenario. Even me in the situation the thing be me like film. I keep thinking I will pinch myself one day and wake up from this nightmare.

What's worse is is that you don't even know near half of the story. For example, the fact that I warned her about the guy before. Cried and begged her to stay away from him. She didn't listen and went ahead to sleep with him. So the betrayal is a very deep one.

One poster said I am a weak man. I can tell you for a fact that the easiest thing to do is to walk away and not look back. I am young, successful, and attractive so a new relationship is the least of my worries. My biggest concern, and why I'm trying to act rationally is because of our 3 young kids. They are innocent and didn't ask for any of this so I'm trying to ensure their well-being. If we divorce, we are going to rip their world apart so suddenly and cruelly. No kid deserves that at all.

Dude I can relate...but I will advice you to let her go. You could be risking your life by trying to hold on to her. She has been beguiled and she obviously thinks she knows what she is doing but I assure you that soon enough she will reach her wits end like the prodigal son who abandoned the life of a prince just so he can live outside of the confines of a kingdom and enjoy all kinds of proclivities. We all know how the story of the prodigal son ended. My case was like that. I was in and out of relationships because despite my attempts to be good and caring, I was not attractive enough financially...and this broke me badly! Nevertheless after those ladies tasted the hard life they returned to me one after the other but unfortunately for them I had moved on...I will suggest that you let this lady go. Try to disconnect from her (texts, pictures etc). This decision will break you but it is the only option before you. Please do not rush into another relationship with a broken heart because you will likely get into another shitty relationship. Take your time to heal. Support your children. Be around godly friends and acquaintances. Worship GOD more if you are a person of faith. Engage in acts of charity. Have hobbies. Learn a new art for the fun of it...these actions will help you heal...you wife will soon learn of her stupidity!

Janosky:


Bros, was she a virgin when you married her?
Whether yes or no,it's of little relevance now.
You got her pregnant 3 times but maybe you have failed to hit her center of gravity even once.
Women rarely leave a man who shag their brains out.


Now she's finally found a freak to do collabo in the other room, she's not gonna come back to your loving arms.
(Abeg you must do Paternity Test, I no trust wetin my mind dey tell me about that woman).


Learn from the experience and live without a bitter heart towards women.

Likely she wasn't meant for you but you failed to read the writing on the wall.

Just let her go & pick up the pieces and move on.

yea...because some men have the monopoly of shagging women's brains out...and besides sex is not the only reason for infidelity among women!

Bhus21:
The challenge with infidelity is that it makes you question everything. For example, someone asked what our sex life was like. I would have said good before now but after her stepping out it's hard to know. By her own admission, she didn't have issues with our sex life, if anything I wasn't getting as much as I would have liked but was ok with it. Whether she's satisfied by them, it's only her that can answer that truly. It wouldn't be uncommon however for us to make love for over an hour.

The sex with the other guy was of course a pleasurable experience for her as it's forbidden fruit and will always be impossible to compete with. Challenge now is that she has a new reference point that wasn't there before. This will make sex between us more complex as it may not ever compare to the highs of the forbidden new guy who wanted to do his best to please her. And by her account he did. So yeah, a difficult situation to be in.

The other guy is also relentless in his pursuit and actively lured and chased her knowing fully well of my existence. I also warned her of the danger of the guy so she didn't heed my warnings, so, yea, there are a lot of things to unpack. She's doing therapy now and we will soon go to counselling together to find a way to get past this hurt and chart what the new relationship will look like. Whether it will be together or apart, only time will tell.

...therapy? Lol