Certain things have happened recently that supports what many of you are saying. Yes my wife is totally gone. I don't mind accepting that but due to my kids I have a hard time letting go.

There's no version of a divorce that doesn't hurt them and I can't stand that. I'm in a very difficult place I'm not sure how to move past it.

Our kids can only have one of us as the closer parent in a divorce and we're both very close to our kids. So serious wahala dey. Na only prayer fit solve this problem.

Bhus21:
Certain things have happened recently that supports what many of you are saying. Yes my wife is totally gone. I don't mind accepting that but due to my kids I have a hard time letting go.

There's no version of a divorce that doesn't hurt them and I can't stand that. I'm in a very difficult place I'm not sure how to move past it.

Our kids can only have one of us as the closer parent in a divorce and we're both very close to our kids. So serious wahala dey. Na only prayer fit solve this problem.

Kids kids kids kids..... There re kids from broken homes that re doing just fine, man.

Lorayne:

Kids kids kids kids..... There re kids from broken homes that re doing just fine, man.

No mind the idiot..

efficiencie:


...there is nothing salvageable in the marriage...if the lady could sleep with someone, boldly declare that she did it and ask for a divorce, then they have had all the communication necessary and the marriage is already terminated...the man needs to let her go, dedicate sufficient time to healing, join functional social groups that would be a good buffer for him and move on!

Well... that is the man's decision, not ours.

The challenge with Nairalanders and Nigerians, in general, is that we like to delight in ignorance. So let me help educate you in a small way. There are broadly 2 types of marriages. High conflict and low conflict ones. High conflict is where there's abuse, violence, and constant fighting. Low conflict marriages are the opposite. In the latter things are generally calm and happy with occasional bouts of arguments.

In high conflict marriages, divorce can be a good thing for the kids as it removes them from a highly charged situation. For low-conflict marriages on the other hand, divorce is devastating to the kids. This is because the kids see mum and dad as happy, stable and loving. When they then hear suddenly that the family is breaking apart it devastates them. They then have to deal with a lifetime of insecurity. They develop serious emotional challenges that put them at risk of so many adverse outcomes that are too numerous to mention. Just google 'divorce effect on kids'.

Now kids didn't ask to be born, parents choose to bring them into the world. To so violently take away their stability because parents couldn't put aside their ego to at least try to work out their issues is the most cruel and unfair thing one could do. So if there are kids from broken homes doing just fine, I can assure you that if there were from low-conflict homes that broke up, they would be doing so much better if their parents worked out their issues.

I think many of us in this age don't truly understand what marriage and parenting is about. I think my wife falls into this category actually and I didn't do a good enough job to teach her. I underestimated her limited understanding and thought love would get us through. Well as it turns out, love waxes and wanes. What keeps you going is understanding the commitment you made and working hard to protect it.

A small example is talking about marital problems outside. This should never be done. Only discuss your marriage with your spouse or a trusted counsellor when things are too difficult. Sharing everywhere with everybody is a recipe for disaster.

Mtcheeeeeeeww...

crackhaus:
Mtcheeeeeeeww...

Real mtcheeeeew!


The guy is delusional. He's the only one that needs therapy. Not his wife.

Lorayne:

Real mtcheeeeew!


The guy is delusional. He's the only one that needs therapy. Not his wife.

Of course, I need therapy, no shame in admitting that and I'm going through it.

I'm sharing my thoughts and feelings here for others who may be going through similar so they can see other perspectives.

Also, some people have referenced another link to a similar situation. I want to clarify that it is in no way related to me. This is an entirely different situation.

Bhus21:
2 days after I found out and going through emotional turmoil. I resolved to do the Christ-like thing and give the marriage a chance. I spoke to her at length and tried to convince her of her folly. I then made a candle-lit dinner at night and bought some flowers. I then extracted a commitment to work on the marriage for 6 months.

So imagine my horror when 2 days later I find out she was still talking to her affair partner for hours. Omo this wahala is even deeper than I thought.

I hate to say this, but you are too civilized. And I'm not saying you should harm or hurt her. You make too many allowances for others and unscrupulous people like your wife will take advantage of that.

Your wife obviously thinks you're a weak man, and if there's anything women detest it's weakness in men. I assure you that she would accord you more respect if you had headbutted her when she owned up to having the affair and dragged her by her hair or even thrown her out in the middle of the night.

Come to think of it, how did you find out she was seeing someone else, was she so careless about it or did she even want you to find out? How come you found out she was still communicating with this fellow just barely 2 days after? She couldn't even be bothered to be really sneaky?

You're boring to her and women cannot stand boring. You even begged her for forgiveness after she cheated on you. or what do you think the silly 6 month commitment you "extracted" is?

Oga, your wife no rate you. At least rate yourself

bukatyne:


Same Jesus who said adultery (or unfaithfulness/fornication) is a ground for divorce also forgave an actual adulterous wife that was caught in the act.

In essence, it is not compulsory to divorce after adultery. It is the poster's choice to (forgive and divorce) or (forgive and stay).

Was Jesus her husband? Did he tell her husband to for her one more chance?

Bhus21:
A few posters think this is a made-up scenario. Even me in the situation the thing be me like film. I keep thinking I will pinch myself one day and wake up from this nightmare.

What's worse is is that you don't even know near half of the story. For example, the fact that I warned her about the guy before. Cried and begged her to stay away from him. She didn't listen and went ahead to sleep with him. So the betrayal is a very deep one.

One poster said I am a weak man. I can tell you for a fact that the easiest thing to do is to walk away and not look back. I am young, successful, and attractive so a new relationship is the least of my worries. My biggest concern, and why I'm trying to act rationally is because of our 3 young kids. They are innocent and didn't ask for any of this so I'm trying to ensure their well-being. If we divorce, we are going to rip their world apart so suddenly and cruelly. No kid deserves that at all.

Lol. You're a troll

Ishilove:

A great many of them, majority in fact are not even married so it is very easy to condemn a man trying his best to salvage a very bad marital situation. You should know by now that the singles on Nairaland are the most vocal and opinionated on marital issues.

What's there to salvage in a marriage that's as good as dead? His wife cheated and told him so without any remorse and at the same time asked for a divorce then he suddenly goes on bended knees begging her to stay because of the kids .........absolute rubbish!!! You all advising him to stay don't know how it feels like living with a woman whose heart yearns for another man. Like I said earlier, op should salvage any little respect he has left by taking a walk. If he comes from the any of the Niger Delta tribes and eventually forgive and continue eating her food and sleeping with her, he won't last a year unless sacrifices are made to appease the ancestors. I have seen countless number of men die because issues like this.

Pierocash:
Take those kids for paternity test to ascertain you aren't fathering another man's children.

Na God reveal this to you. this should be the 1st step

Lorayne:

Real mtcheeeeew!


The guy is delusional. He's the only one that needs therapy. Not his wife.

I don't even believe there's a 'he' behind that username.

Let me tell you the children you are trying to protect can sense all that is happening.
Infact I can assure you that they know more than you assume.... It would be tough but they will come around eventually.

Now to you, when a woman says she’s done, she is done , she’s made up her mind and is ready for any consequences.

I think you should channel your energy in making yourself happy and find ways to make it easy on the kids if they are yours.

Shalom!

Bhus21:
The challenge with Nairalanders and Nigerians, in general, is that we like to delight in ignorance. So let me help educate you in a small way. There are broadly 2 types of marriages. High conflict and low conflict ones. High conflict is where there's abuse, violence, and constant fighting. Low conflict marriages are the opposite. In the latter things are generally calm and happy with occasional bouts of arguments.

In high conflict marriages, divorce can be a good thing for the kids as it removes them from a highly charged situation. For low-conflict marriages on the other hand, divorce is devastating to the kids. This is because the kids see mum and dad as happy, stable and loving. When they then hear suddenly that the family is breaking apart it devastates them. They then have to deal with a lifetime of insecurity. They develop serious emotional challenges that put them at risk of so many adverse outcomes that are too numerous to mention. Just google 'divorce effect on kids'.

Now kids didn't ask to be born, parents choose to bring them into the world. To so violently take away their stability because parents couldn't put aside their ego to at least try to work out their issues is the most cruel and unfair thing one could do. So if there are kids from broken homes doing just fine, I can assure you that if there were from low-conflict homes that broke up, they would be doing so much better if their parents worked out their issues.

I think many of us in this age don't truly understand what marriage and parenting is about. I think my wife falls into this category actually and I didn't do a good enough job to teach her. I underestimated her limited understanding and thought love would get us through. Well as it turns out, love waxes and wanes. What keeps you going is understanding the commitment you made and working hard to protect it.

A small example is talking about marital problems outside. This should never be done. Only discuss your marriage with your spouse or a trusted counsellor when things are too difficult. Sharing everywhere with everybody is a recipe for disaster.

djon78:


E be like say na akata(black American you dey marry) or someone from a serious dis functional crisis ridden home

Because for two of her brothers to comitt suicide means that they seriously have deep issues
And she has been even asking you for divorce before

Also am sure, you must have seen her character traits maybe even prior to marriage but you felt you were a nice guy and can love her to change which is the problem with people like you, having god complex
But the issue is you can't change anyone
People already carry there personalities
Only God can change people that are willing to change

But when it comes to marriage, especially from the place I come from. There is proper scrutiny especially from the family you are prospecting to marry from, whether there are some patterns in there character and attitude
And once there is comma
It's a no no

Marriage is not something to be played with. It involves life's and generation's


But most people claim modern and woke men

Anyway it's your Cross to carry
May the good Lord help you

How do you equate her behavior to Black Americans?

Pierocash:
what is salvageable in adulterous marriage?

What is salvageable in a marriage where the slut boldly told him she has slept with him,and want a divorce?


Whenever issues of infidelity are mentioned,the way female folks tend to trivialize it makes me know almost all of them are culprits

why are you this pained? If this complain is coming from a woman, you might tell her to pray for her marriage. Nothing is wrong if you also advise the man on what to do to save his marriage. They have kids together.

Ana234:
why are you this pained? If this complain is coming from a woman, you might tell her to pray for her marriage. Nothing is wrong if you also advise the man on what to do to save his marriage. They have kids together.

Only a fool will tell her to pray...when a man has slept with another woman and told his wife boldly about it and asks for a divorce, it is better for the wife of leave that man or else her life could be in danger! Cheating and being bold about it is a sign of sheer hatred and while, yes, I advocate that couples be prayerful but prayers should come before it gets to this stage...no amount of boiling or freezing can restore the freshness of decaying food...

This kind of simpism can be contagious so let me get out of here.

olabrinks:
Have you ever cheated on her?
What is your communication level like ?
Does she seem to be going through a phase of boredom?
Your marriage can still be revived, but it needs the effort of both parties. A lot of men have experienced infidelity on the women’s part and have quietly resolved issues and moved on with their family in tact. Women rarely cheat for no reason, you really need to dig deep and find out what the issue is before taking any further action.

You are crazy

Bhus21:
The challenge with Nairalanders and Nigerians, in general, is that we like to delight in ignorance. So let me help educate you in a small way. There are broadly 2 types of marriages. High conflict and low conflict ones. High conflict is where there's abuse, violence, and constant fighting. Low conflict marriages are the opposite. In the latter things are generally calm and happy with occasional bouts of arguments.

In high conflict marriages, divorce can be a good thing for the kids as it removes them from a highly charged situation. For low-conflict marriages on the other hand, divorce is devastating to the kids. This is because the kids see mum and dad as happy, stable and loving. When they then hear suddenly that the family is breaking apart it devastates them. They then have to deal with a lifetime of insecurity. They develop serious emotional challenges that put them at risk of so many adverse outcomes that are too numerous to mention. Just google 'divorce effect on kids'.

Now kids didn't ask to be born, parents choose to bring them into the world. To so violently take away their stability because parents couldn't put aside their ego to at least try to work out their issues is the most cruel and unfair thing one could do. So if there are kids from broken homes doing just fine, I can assure you that if there were from low-conflict homes that broke up, they would be doing so much better if their parents worked out their issues.

I think many of us in this age don't truly understand what marriage and parenting is about. I think my wife falls into this category actually and I didn't do a good enough job to teach her. I underestimated her limited understanding and thought love would get us through. Well as it turns out, love waxes and wanes. What keeps you going is understanding the commitment you made and working hard to protect it.

A small example is talking about marital problems outside. This should never be done. Only discuss your marriage with your spouse or a trusted counsellor when things are too difficult. Sharing everywhere with everybody is a recipe for disaster.

Love waxes and wanes? Then it was never love. This is the problem with humanity. Always confusing transcient and fickle feelings for love. If she truly loved she will be eager to learn. If she truly loved she would submit to be groomed. If she truly loved she would be a better wife in a matter of weeks...love will drive her to become an indispensable force in her home. Love is enough. And when both the husband and wife truly love the result is sheer perfection. Many of us just don't know what love is. Love is a nature. When your very nature is love quarrels are easily resolved, compromise is easily reached, positions easily shift and marriage becomes more resilient to the toughest of situations! But when we confused mere feelings with love we get all the nonsense we see today and blame it all on "love not being enough" when in actual fact we barely know what "love" means.

In most divorces, if not all, love was never present right from the start...the so called marriage was just driven by the alignment of interests and nothing more and when those interests no longer align the couples start giving excuses for horrendous behavior...that is when the wife will say the reason she cheated was because her husband wasn't satisfying her and her husband will say the reason he beat her up beyond recognition was because she was too provocative! There will always be a reason for terrible behavior and none will acknowledge his or her fault! Love is always enough, we just don't know what love really is!

Bhus21:
The challenge with Nairalanders and Nigerians, in general, is that we like to delight in ignorance. So let me help educate you in a small way. There are broadly 2 types of marriages. High conflict and low conflict ones. High conflict is where there's abuse, violence, and constant fighting. Low conflict marriages are the opposite. In the latter things are generally calm and happy with occasional bouts of arguments.

In high conflict marriages, divorce can be a good thing for the kids as it removes them from a highly charged situation. For low-conflict marriages on the other hand, divorce is devastating to the kids. This is because the kids see mum and dad as happy, stable and loving. When they then hear suddenly that the family is breaking apart it devastates them. They then have to deal with a lifetime of insecurity. They develop serious emotional challenges that put them at risk of so many adverse outcomes that are too numerous to mention. Just google 'divorce effect on kids'.

Now kids didn't ask to be born, parents choose to bring them into the world. To so violently take away their stability because parents couldn't put aside their ego to at least try to work out their issues is the most cruel and unfair thing one could do. So if there are kids from broken homes doing just fine, I can assure you that if there were from low-conflict homes that broke up, they would be doing so much better if their parents worked out their issues.

I think many of us in this age don't truly understand what marriage and parenting is about. I think my wife falls into this category actually and I didn't do a good enough job to teach her. I underestimated her limited understanding and thought love would get us through. Well as it turns out, love waxes and wanes. What keeps you going is understanding the commitment you made and working hard to protect it.

A small example is talking about marital problems outside. This should never be done. Only discuss your marriage with your spouse or a trusted counsellor when things are too difficult. Sharing everywhere with everybody is a recipe for disaster.

Wow, this is deep. You are a mature being and I really want to help but I'm not sure how.
Bottom line is this, your wife prefers her male friend and believes she can have it better with him. Most of us humans wants whats good for us. We weigh the consequences and make the jump. Sometimes our judgement is flawed and we face the consequences.

I wouldn't want you to try and win her back because she can fall into the same temptation, another man could still sweep her off her feet.

I have a question for you though
Have you ever cheated on her?

Ana234:
why are you this pained? If this complain is coming from a woman, you might tell her to pray for her marriage. Nothing is wrong if you also advise the man on what to do to save his marriage. They have kids together.

continue raising shoulders with men. When you are been thrown out of your matrimonial home because of adultery,then you will realise we aren't equal

Pierocash:
continue raising shoulders with men. When you are been thrown out of your matrimonial home because of adultery,then you will realise we aren't equal

I am only suggesting they work on their marriage, nobody is claiming equality here, try to read without sentiment.

ABANGWABOI:



No mind the idiot..

I'm beginning to think the Op is a troll.

Raalsalghul:


I'm beginning to think the Op is a troll.

Lol

I swear..

Quick update to this thread. After much consideration and giving my wife the chance to make amends, I've decided to end our marriage. We will be getting a divorce and work together on co-parenting our kids. I needed to be able to tell my kids when they're adults that I tried my best and I can say now that I did. So my conscience is clear and I can move on to the next phase of life.

One of the things I read that was important early on was that no important decisions should be made within the first 90 days. I successfully negotiated those 90 days with the attitude of working on the marriage. My wife on the other hand couldn't see past her ego and pride and was stuck on her resentment and perceived slights. After 90 days I finally decided there was nothing to hold on to anymore and that I was too valuable to wait around for my wife to choose and return to me. So I'm letting her go, let her go find her happiness elsewhere while I nurse myself back to life.

Thanks to all those that advised here. To those that were disparaging, understand thatLong-lasting decisions with serious consequences on others should never be taken in a rash manner.

Bhus21:
Quick update to this thread. After much consideration and giving my wife the chance to make amends, I've decided to end our marriage. We will be getting a divorce and work together on co-parenting our kids. I needed to be able to tell my kids when they're adults that I tried my best and I can say now that I did. So my conscience is clear and I can move on to the next phase of life.

One of the things I read that was important early on was that no important decisions should be made within the first 90 days. I successfully negotiated those 90 days with the attitude of working on the marriage. My wife on the other hand couldn't see past her ego and pride and was stuck on her resentment and perceived slights. After 90 days I finally decided there was nothing to hold on to anymore and that I was too valuable to wait around for my wife to choose and return to me. So I'm letting her go, let her go find her happiness elsewhere while I nurse myself back to life.

Thanks to all those that advised here. To those that were disparaging, understand thatLong-lasting decisions with serious consequences on others should never be taken in a rash manner.

I wish you all the best.

Bhus21:
Quick update to this thread. After much consideration and giving my wife the chance to make amends, I've decided to end our marriage. We will be getting a divorce and work together on co-parenting our kids. I needed to be able to tell my kids when they're adults that I tried my best and I can say now that I did. So my conscience is clear and I can move on to the next phase of life.

One of the things I read that was important early on was that no important decisions should be made within the first 90 days. I successfully negotiated those 90 days with the attitude of working on the marriage. My wife on the other hand couldn't see past her ego and pride and was stuck on her resentment and perceived slights. After 90 days I finally decided there was nothing to hold on to anymore and that I was too valuable to wait around for my wife to choose and return to me. So I'm letting her go, let her go find her happiness elsewhere while I nurse myself back to life.

Thanks to all those that advised here. To those that were disparaging, understand thatLong-lasting decisions with serious consequences on others should never be taken in a rash manner.

Congratulations.

Bhus21:
Quick update to this thread. After much consideration and giving my wife the chance to make amends, I've decided to end our marriage. We will be getting a divorce and work together on co-parenting our kids. I needed to be able to tell my kids when they're adults that I tried my best and I can say now that I did. So my conscience is clear and I can move on to the next phase of life.

One of the things I read that was important early on was that no important decisions should be made within the first 90 days. I successfully negotiated those 90 days with the attitude of working on the marriage. My wife on the other hand couldn't see past her ego and pride and was stuck on her resentment and perceived slights. After 90 days I finally decided there was nothing to hold on to anymore and that I was too valuable to wait around for my wife to choose and return to me. So I'm letting her go, let her go find her happiness elsewhere while I nurse myself back to life.

Thanks to all those that advised here. To those that were disparaging, understand thatLong-lasting decisions with serious consequences on others should never be taken in a rash manner.

Best decision ever, mate!