Havilaah1:
Good day all, i want to pour my heart on what's bothering me and get people's view and possible solutions to the issue.

I've been in a relationship with my boo for a couple of years now and it's a serious relationship, we're are very close.. infact we're practically besties aside relationship. For some months now i noticed he no longer gives me attention like he used to, the vibe between us dropped and it was getting me angry. He stopped doing the things he knows i like, he knows my love language is attention/care as well as complement but he stopped doing all these. I'd send him a photo where i look so beautiful and he'd only say you look good, at a point i started preparing my mind for the worse.

Just yesterday he told me there's something he wants us to talk to me about and it's been bothering him and i asked him what it was, he said it's about us. He said 2 of his siblings asked him same question on different occasions but, he didn't see it as a big deal the first time but when it was asked the second time he got angry and that's the reason he hasn't been flowing well with me.

The question was how can you get married to someone who is not close to your siblings, when he said this i was weak. I know when we started the relationship he told me his siblings are free people i can relate with, i told him i will try. I was in contact with 2 of his sisters before this year( i sometimes chat, text or call during birthdays, new month and festivities).

This year i started chatting with the 3rd sister, her wedding was coming up and she sent me IV. I congratulated her and she asked if i will be around, i told her i will try and create time so i can travel down to attend. I really did travel down to attend the wedding, she was surprised when she saw me but i noticed my boo wasn't happy with me all through the event.
Now he's saying he's in close communication with my mum and siblings, they talk all the time but same can not be said about me. He was thinking how can he get married and his siblings will refuse coming to his house because there's no relationship between us.

I'm a very introverted person while himself and his siblings on the other hand are extroverts and ambiverts, i don't find it easy building up ties with people from a distance. I have very few friends, i can be in a place and i won't talk if I'm not used to the people or there's no serious thing to talk about (that's the reason i talk to his siblings during birthdays, new month or festivities). I don't know how to build up a strong relationship with them before marriage, it's even worse because we don't get to see often cos they're in a different state but I've visited them on a few occasions.
How do i handle this issue. I was in deep thought all through the night, i couldn't get up to 4 hours sleep.


God knows i love his family as much as i do mine, he himself said he knows i care about them 100% but his family cannot read my mind to see that i have them in mind. After our discussion last night i couldn't sleep, I've been feeling bad about the whole thing. Introversion is making me look like I'm not a good person.

I really don't know how to go about this, please i need advice from people who have been in similar situation.
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pickatyoubackup:


Na mumu advice be this. It ur opinion but still foolish.
You don't have relationship with a family y r stepping into, if things go south, how u wan take handle am. Things can't be rosy all the time. And family is always there for a reason.

Chrisx1x:
You can only try and improve on your personality but you can't change who you really are. I know this because I am also an introvert. Its not easily flowing with people you aren't that familiar with.

He should try and understand you, try and talk to him, let him see you for who you are. If he can't defend you now before his family members, I don't know when he is going to do that. And right now, it seems he decided to chose family over you.

bigpicture001:


Babe I can say from my inner most experience: he is not seeing anyone else, but is drunk of entitlement... Such happens wen someone becms too sure for u.. just watch him.. if he continues unabated.. giv him space..

If it still doesn't work, den still be there but change language like start to talk about a guy disturbing for marriage... Make it real. If he sees competition, he will sit up..

People don't value things without fighting for it

Havilaah1:

He's really not seeing anyone else and we both know we can't cheat on each other.
He knows so many guys are coming around cos I'm good looking but i don't give them face.
If someone is getting close i talk to him about it and if he's not comfortable with the person he tells me to be careful.

drnoel:


Your guy is making an issue out of nothing. If he would listen to words of wisdom, then I will write this. It is best to have Ur relationship intact than allow the issue of "see finish" destroy the understanding you have built with someone over the years.
U must not be close to his siblings or relations before he has put a ring on Ur finger. It is good if you are but U must not be, that is not mandatory. That he is close to Ur family is good and it just reflects his personality, nothing more.
The issue of see finish is a problem and I am writing this from experience. I have said my own.

Havilaah1:

Thanks sist, i told him he knows I'm very introverted and shouldn't expect me to act the way other's do. He said I'm an introvert fine but i have few friends, i have people i call and chat with on a daily basis.
One thing i certainly didn't do was apologizing, cos I'm not doing anything wrong. I only told him i will try.

xangerar:
I understand personally what the struggle with being an introvert in this case is. Most families are bonded than others. Do not listen to those "are you getting married to the man or his family?". If you intend getting married to someone from a close tied family, you will have to take up the burden of strangling your weakness to a point you are able to show beyond your thoughts you can work within that environment. You heart intent won't do it, your weaknesses won't be a good excuse. Just try, otherwise you may never get along with that family.


Assuming the family is like the kind I come from where no one looks out for the other, it is easy for an introvert to strive but I know families were members are all into the other. E dey surprise me, but it is part of life.

You can't chose honey without the sweet taste. Try taking deliberate measures against your weakpoints otherwise stick only to certain environments were it is not an issue.

Havilaah1:

I guess he's pained because he's already like a son to my mum plus what his siblings are saying.

mosdii:
Nigerian Girls Are Useless...All Of Them

Jman06:
Y'all should cut the guy some slack abeg. Always looking for means to blame guys in everything related to women.

The guy's siblings are actually right. If the guy can build a rapport with her own family, nothing stops her from doing same. So, she should put in more efforts or get herself off the way for the guy to look for another lady.

Favfables1:
It's obvious your boyfriend has a very close relationship with his family and i can say that his opinion is largely influenced by what his family thinks ((thus that's why he's acting withdrawn because his family has reservations about you))...

The solution is quite simple...
Work things out with his family, try and get close to them....
There's nothing like "that's how I am", that mentality is BULLSHIT!!!!!! If it's important to you, you'll look for a way to make it work...
If you can't compromise, then walk away and date someone who's family you flow well with...chikina!!

On the other hand, your boyfriend should cut you some slack as regards you and his family...you can't become besties with people you barely spend time with...so tell the alaye make him rest small...

And please forget those childish people asking you "whether you're getting married to your boyfriend and his family?" With the closeness of your boyfriend to his family, if then no like you ...forget am... Them go table your matter for family meeting and you go see the results of the matter, whether e favour you or not...

Lastly...
Never expect that guy to choose you over his family ...you're just his girlfriend or fiancee and thus you're easily replaceable, but his family are not so... Like them elders go talk, "blood thick pass water"

Jman06:
Y'all should cut the guy some slack abeg. Always looking for means to blame guys in everything related to women.

The guy's siblings are actually right. If the guy can build a rapport with her own family, nothing stops her from doing same. So, she should put in more efforts or get herself off the way for the guy to look for another lady.

Havilaah1:

Really wish he can see this. They're making it look like all brides to be are usually close to their in laws before marriage.
When one saw me during the wedding, she jokingly said see our wife that we'll soon sack. Didn't know they've been saying this.

JONNYSPUTE:
.....You dey mind them?. Na dem go still come bash this same game after marriage calling her name's if the guys siblings complaints she doesn't welcome them in their house or doesn't allow them use her kitchen.

Havilaah1:
For some months now i noticed he no longer gives me attention like he used to, the vibe between us dropped and it was getting me angry. He stopped doing the things he knows i like, he knows my love language is attention/care as well as complement but he stopped doing all these. I'd send him a photo where i look so beautiful and he'd only say you look good, at a point i started preparing my mind for the worse.

bigpicture001:


Babe I can say from my inner most experience: he is not seeing anyone else, but is drunk of entitlement... Such happens wen someone becms too sure for u.. just watch him.. if he continues unabated.. giv him space..

If it still doesn't work, den still be there but change language like start to talk about a guy disturbing for marriage... Make it real. If he sees competition, he will sit up..

People don't value things without fighting for it

Havilaah1:

Yes he has a very close relationship with them, I'm not saying my relationship with them will remain like this. We'll get to talk better when we become close but he wants the closeness before marriage.
How to keep close tab with people I'm not yet used to is what is bothering me plus the communication will strictly be on calls and chat as I'm in a different state.

Sterope:
Communication is a two-way street. Some of us are in-laws and we don't wait around expecting people to call us.

Godada:


You have your job clearly cut out for you. You have to be buddy buddy with your prospective in-laws.

Take a chitchat with your guy. You need his help and understanding. He has worked his way into your mum's heart. Now it's your turn.

Your excuses of being an introvert will pass you as being snobbish.

These are your in-laws. It seems they have a hold on your guy.

Mind you, you gatta scoop to conquer. Come out of your shell and your comfort zone.

This is how it is....your guy has made himself at home with your mum at least accord him the same respect.

He feels he is the only doing the job....meet him half way.

After all he is your lover.........humour him.

pocohantas:


How is she not welcoming them? She isn’t welcoming them yet she buys them gifts? How many of you Nigerian men have sent gifts to your brother in-law on his birthday? Nigerian men that once they pay bride price, you won’t see them again. It is the wife that would be giving excuse upandan “he is busy”.

Should she pack and go live with them? .

pocohantas:


How is she not welcoming them? She isn’t welcoming them yet she buys them gifts? How many of you Nigerian men have sent gifts to your brother in-law on his birthday? Nigerian men that once they pay bride price, you won’t see them again. It is the wife that would be giving excuse upandan “he is busy”.

Should she pack and go live with them?

Favfables1:
It's obvious your boyfriend has a very close relationship with his family and i can say that his opinion is largely influenced by what his family thinks ((thus that's why he's acting withdrawn because his family has reservations about you))...

The solution is quite simple...
Work things out with his family, try and get close to them....
There's nothing like "that's how I am", that mentality is BULLSHIT!!!!!! If it's important to you, you'll look for a way to make it work...
If you can't compromise, then walk away and date someone who's family you flow well with...chikina!!

On the other hand, your boyfriend should cut you some slack as regards you and his family...you can't become besties with people you barely spend time with...so tell the alaye make him rest small...

And please forget those childish people asking you "whether you're getting married to your boyfriend and his family?" With the closeness of your boyfriend to his family, if then no like you ...forget am... Them go table your matter for family meeting and you go see the results of the matter, whether e favour you or not...

Lastly...
Never expect that guy to choose you over his family ...you're just his girlfriend or fiancee and thus you're easily replaceable, but his family are not so... Like them elders go talk, "blood thick pass water"

Davash222:

You expected him to choose a GIRLFRIEND over his family?
Girlfriend he might be sharing with Dem Boys

Havilaah1:

Thanks, I'll keep trying
Now that i know they already said something like this, me making serious move to flow with them will look like I'm pretending because they said it.