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Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by bepositive11: 1:25am On Mar 10, 2022 |
Some even pretend to change but return to their original after marriage Jirilistic: |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by bepositive11: 1:28am On Mar 10, 2022 |
OP's examples are lying, cheating, disrespect. When you're partner does them to you, you can never be happy. It only chips away at your self worth, self esteem, confidence, happiness Tonyman55: 2 Likes |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by bepositive11: 1:32am On Mar 10, 2022 |
Cyntie55: Red flags are not the same as flaws Red flags are signs that a person can't have a healthy relationship. You may recall OP's examples - lying, cheating, disrespect. These things cannot be overlooked If you overlook them, you'll end up in an unhealthy and toxic relationship / marriage that will drag you down - lower your self esteem, self worth, self confidence, and so on 9 Likes |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by bepositive11: 1:32am On Mar 10, 2022 |
Kobojunkie: Red flags are not the same as flaws Red flags are signs that a person can't have a healthy relationship. You may recall OP's examples - lying, cheating, disrespect. These things cannot be overlooked If you overlook them, you'll end up in an unhealthy and toxic relationship / marriage that will drag you down - lower your self esteem, self worth, self confidence, and so on |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Kobojunkie: 1:53am On Mar 10, 2022 |
bepositive11:I borrow my definition from the post below. What Are Relationship Red Flags? |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by bepositive11: 2:03am On Mar 10, 2022 |
Kobojunkie: Again, red flags are not the same as flaws Red flags are signs that you cannot have a healthy relationship with a person Yes, they are subjective. Yes, they evolve with time. But some red flags are universal like the ones OP mentioned - lying, cheating, disrespect 1 Like |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by agbonkamen(f): 6:55am On Mar 10, 2022 |
Hezzyluv:no one is perfect! how many relationships person want dey change upanda simply because of red flag? Na to dey jump from one man or woman to another na 1 Like |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Cyntie55(f): 8:24am On Mar 10, 2022 |
bepositive11:Flaws and red flags mostly have same definition. If you end that lying or cheating relationship of yours, how are you sure you're going to see someone better. Mind you I'm not in support of a cheating or lying partner. Let me tell you a little bit about my relationship. My Partner smokes like he's in a competition with a car exhaust, although I'm not happy and I do advice him but then that does not mean I should end the relationship. I don't know if my next relationship might be worse, probably the next guy could be a chronic cheater, drug addict or woman beater. So my dear, I just have to manage and endure with him. 1 Like |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by bepositive11: 2:26pm On Mar 10, 2022 |
Cyntie55: Flaws and red flags are not the same Flaws can be overlooked, but red flags cannot be overlooked Red flags are the things that indicate that you can't have a healthy relationship with a person. That's why lying and cheating falls under red flags. If there's lying, for example, how can you trust your partner's words? If there's cheating, how can you have peace of mind when having sex without fears of STDs? Smoking is a flaw to you because you feel that you can still have a healthy/functional relationship even though you're not happy with the habit. You can still trust your partner When there's no trust, there's no relationship. Unhealthy relationships with lying and cheating will only drag you down - your self respect, self confidence, self esteem, happiness, peace of mind, etc will diminish with time Flaws are things like snoring, excessive sweating, bad breath, etc. These can be overlooked or managed. You can still have a healthy relationship with someone despite their flaws 9 Likes |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Aaaaarghmed(m): 7:17pm On Mar 10, 2022 |
Wizywiz:your own better,mine was 6years wasted |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Cyntie55(f): 9:59pm On Mar 10, 2022 |
bepositive11:Sir, red flags and flaws are the same. I put it to you that flaws cannot be overlooked too. Red flags and flaws are behaviors that show a deep rooted issue and indicators that you could end up in an unhealthy relationship. For example, if the person you're dating MUST talk to you 100 times a day and hates when you go spend time with your friends without them, that is indicative of unhealthy behavior (i.e. issues with codependency) Sir, flaws and red flags are the same. 2 Likes |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Wizywiz(m): 10:57pm On Mar 10, 2022 |
Aaaaarghmed:my brother is well ooo....mine lied about almost everything about her ....it's well Sha marriage no be do or die affair...if it's not working it's not working |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Kobojunkie: 11:28pm On Mar 10, 2022 |
Wizywiz:There is no exact science to these things. There are many who got married around the same time that you did and remain married to this date who observed similar red flags in their relationships prior. Red flags don't necessarily mean it will absolutely never work. Instead they are indicators that we must proceed cautions. |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Deepocean(m): 11:46pm On Mar 10, 2022 |
Jennyclay: I read your post you mentioned in this post. You are an analytical thinker I guest. May God lead you aright to the person that will value your worth. It's good not to take some steps emotionally. |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by bepositive11: 1:23am On Mar 11, 2022 |
Cyntie55: Codependency is a red flag Everyone has flaws because no one is perfect But not everyone has red flags Please do a Google search to learn about the difference Edit: Maybe red flags are flaws too, but some flaws can be overlooked while no red flag should be overlooked. And not all flaws are red flags And people tend to refer to things as flaws when they're not too serious a problem to be called red flags I replied initially because you claimed that red flags can be overlooked. I wanted to explain why they can't be overlooked and based on your reply, it seems that you now understand that Please Google to learn the difference 3 Likes |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Fiscus105(m): 3:49am On Mar 11, 2022 |
Francisanointed: From female perceptive, they carried away by money ,gifts , handsomeness and pressure. From male perceptive, they Carried away by sex and ass. After marriage and perhaps children, eyes will now open wide. |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Fiscus105(m): 3:58am On Mar 11, 2022 |
Cyntie55: Hope you can cope with odor of cigarette in his mouth and in the house and how will you cope in future if he is sending ur daughter/son to buy cigarette for him and eventually your son starts smoking? You think deeply, if you don't see them as big deal, u re free to roll on. I will also ask you, if you are not sticked with him mainly because on his money ,fame or handsomeness? 3 Likes |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Kobojunkie: 4:25am On Mar 11, 2022 |
bepositive11:I will stick with the definition from the article instead since my experience has exposed me to how even some of my flaws, many of which I have come to accept as a part of who i am, are considered by some on here as redflags. |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by bepositive11: 4:42am On Mar 11, 2022 |
Kobojunkie: Another Nairalander made me see the obvious that red flags are in fact flaws But not all flaws are red flags. Some flaws can be overlooked but red flags should never be overlooked Those red flags that you have, you need to work on them if not you can't have a healthy relationship |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Kobojunkie: 4:57am On Mar 11, 2022 |
bepositive11:1. I choose not to complicate the simple things. For me flaws are red flags and red flags are flaws. It makes it easier to deal with since the same rule pretty much apply to both where relationships are concerned. You pay attention to all of them and choose only those whose flaws/redflags you can live with. 2. Not all red flags can be worked out like wrinkles out of a shirt. Some are just a part of your make up, and so you simply need to find those who don't have hangup about them. I know them and make sure they are on the table right from the door, and I also no longer apologize for having them. |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by bepositive11: 5:58am On Mar 11, 2022 |
Kobojunkie: Everyone has flaws because no human is perfect If you have red flags, you have a problem. You will hurt yourself and the people you love with those red flags |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Kobojunkie: 8:09am On Mar 11, 2022 |
bepositive11:Well, you know how they say," one man's meat is another man's poison"? Well, one man's flaw/red flag could be another man's blessing in disguise. The people I love accept my flaws/redflags. Ofcourse if took some serious getting used to but they have learnt to not only tolerate but accept it, just as I have had to. |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Cyntie55(f): 8:35am On Mar 11, 2022 |
Fiscus105:We have been dating for 5 years now (we met in our final year at uniben). I copied with him for years and he's not stupid enough to start sending our kids to buy cigarettes for him if eventually we get married. He smokes if he hang out with his friends, he can never smoke in his house, I visit him often and his house is always neat, there's no sign of cigarettes pack, odor or ashes. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not in support of his red flags, like I stated earlier I always advice him to stop smoking. He respect me, he don't beat me, he's transparent with me he don't cheat on me. By the special Grace of God we'll get married by next year. I can't cope with a woman beater or a cheating guy. Never!! Mind you, my boyfriend is just like every other average Nigerian who is working and hustling legally to earn a living, he's not broke neither is he rich, he's just on an average. 1 Like |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Cyntie55(f): 9:07am On Mar 11, 2022 |
bepositive11:I have been a nairalander for 3 years now and this is my FIRST post or comment on Romance Section, if I'm lying to you, feel free to go through all my comments and quote me if you ever see me on romance section. I'm not always active on romance section because I don't like to interfere on people's relationship matters. But This particular topic drew my attention so that people could read and learn that red flag and flaws are the same. Infact after today, I don't think you will see me here on romance section probably till 3 or 4 years later. Meanwhile I'm active here on nairaland. Most ladies see a smoking partner as big red flags, Infact total turn off (but here you are saying it's flaws) Most ladies have no issue with codependency (but here you are saying it's a red flag) Most ladies can endure a woman beater as a partner but I can't. Are you aware that most ladies can endure a cheating partner but I can't. My point here is that, red flags and flaws are the same. 1 Like |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Fiscus105(m): 1:14pm On Mar 11, 2022 |
Cyntie55: I biliv u read where I said............if you don't see it as big deal you are free to roll on....... you are the one who wants to leave with him and not me, ........... I can perceive ur emotions for the question I asked, hope you can cope ooooo if........ This is enough to establish the situation if he eventually smoking at home and send his kids to buy it for him. He would be leader of the family and father of his kid in future, if he chooses to send him/her...... 2 Likes |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Kobojunkie: 2:33pm On Mar 11, 2022 |
Cyntie55:All of them known flaws/redflags which can be linked with accepted cultures and upbringing of Nigerian men. |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by bepositive11: 3:24pm On Mar 11, 2022 |
We have to be careful with our words. The reason I keep replying to you is because I don't want people to overlook red flags. Red flags are what cause toxic relationships and marriages We all have flaws. No one is perfect. But not all of us have red flags. If we have them, we need to work on them to have healthy relationships with our partner This is a very complex topic. The reason some people overlook red flags is because they are psychologically wounded. If you look at the history of people in abusive relationships, they grew up in dysfunctional families and battle with childhood trauma. Narcissists, borderlines, codependents - these people really struggle to identify red flags and walk away. Some are afraid of being alone. Some are afraid of being abandoned. Some are afraid of being vulnerable. Some are desperate to feel loved and wanted. And so on Just because a person gets into a relationship with a partner with red flags doesn't mean that the red flags no longer exist. Those red flags still exist and the relationship will be toxic and unhealthy and do even more physical, psychological, and/or emotional damage to both partners involved The reason you can't tolerate those red flags is because you are not as damaged as they are. I'm speaking from experience. The more I heal, the less tolerant I am of red flags Cyntie55: |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by bepositive11: 3:36pm On Mar 11, 2022 |
Can you please name those red flags? Are they along the lines of lying, cheating, deceit, manipulation, gaslighting, beating, name calling, stealing, lack of empathy, black and white thinking, stonewalling, silent treatment, excessive control, excessive jealousy, codependency, intimidation, low self esteem, extreme insecurity? I keep replying because I don't want people to see your comment and start thinking that it's ok to overlook red flags - it's not! It's the cause of toxic relationships and marriages Some flaws can be overlooked but no red flag should be overlooked. Period. Kobojunkie: 2 Likes |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by underpinna: 3:55pm On Mar 11, 2022 |
Jennyclay: Na Wa o. Pikin dey beef pally. That's to say that there's a big problem. Anything that transpired between them must have been of weight. That doesn't mean he will do the same to you. Everyone has some kind of red flag. I have not been talking to three coworkers for about eight months now although if I have information to pass to them, I do that without hesitation. Your guy may be the same though except he provokes at every slightest event. |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Kobojunkie: 4:00pm On Mar 11, 2022 |
bepositive11:A quick look at some of the differences in the way we seem to process these things... 1. You seem to believe a healthy relationship is one devoid of redflags whereas I believe redflags are always present in our relationships,even marriages ... it cannot be helped really. 2. You seem to think that individuals can, by rejecting all redflags, gain happiness, but from my experience life uses pretty much the same flaws/redflags in training and advancing us to higher levels of maturity. For instance, we typically attribute more wisdom to individuals who are able to handle/engage or interact with all sorts of persons regardless of their flaws/shortcomings or redflags. 3. You seem to think that by separating issues into Flaws and Redflags, you can better separate the concerns, but I think that by treating flaws and redflags as one, applying the same rules across the board, one is better able to, and with less complicstons, work out compatibility in any relationship. DISCLAIMER: I in no way endorse or condone the evil that men and women perpetrate against their partners in relationships |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by Kobojunkie: 4:02pm On Mar 11, 2022 |
underpinna:You are right! But it seems she and her man are not compatible at all this since this particular flaw is too much for her to handle so it is best she abandons ship. 1 Like |
Re: Why Do People Get Married With Someone They Saw "Red Flags" by bepositive11: 5:56pm On Mar 11, 2022 |
I'm tired of going back and forth with you - you're just not getting my points. Please go and read reddit and quora threads on this topic - flaws vs red flags. They all agree with my perspective I will honestly not tolerate a person like you with such red flags BTW. I hope you're working on them. I once had a friend with all of those red flags I mentioned and they screwed up my mental health. I cut them out of my life and I couldn't be happier Have a great weekend Kobojunkie: |
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