₦airaland Forum

Cassahav:
I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

Go and see a counsellor. If you have endured as long as you say you have then you are not as broken as you think you are. You are still there and you still make excuses for her behavior. We are not professionals. Seek the help of a professional

Superwave16320:
Just listen to the tale of this dead brain. In Nigeria where men own all the edge, just imagine this foolish soul in America se this fool no go wash mensuration pant for the ashana he calls a partner.

Omo this one vex you oh

apatheticme:
Civil banter where you continually denigrate the person of my husband who you don't even know??

You can keep fooling yourself, but miss my husband with the bullcrap henceforth!! I'm your worst fear, face me!

Coward.

Aunty "civil" apatheticme, honestly this is how I imagine you talk to your husband, hence why I like to highlight it.

You be the boss for house jor.

Cassahav:
I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

I don't know how to advise you. Only God knows how you were raised, which one be long term relationship and short term lover,, come add polyamorous on top. What you sow is what you reap, it doesn't always end well with all these oyinbo nonsense you people practice. Go and research the lives of those who are moved by short term sexual fantasies.

Gamesmart:
Aunty "civil" apatheticme, honestly this is how I imagine you talk to your husband, hence why I like to highlight it.

You be the boss for house jor.

.

seguno2:
Did you write this as a woman, or as a man

Which part?

U r cursed.
Ur wife is cheating and u still have the time to create a thread.
I wud hav ended her life b4 coming here
Wat nonsense

Cassahav:
I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

Like they say, stick to what works for you.
You had an open relationship as an African prolly living abroad. Maybe you thought emotional complications like these wouldn't come up. It does with and this is your reckoning.
No matter how woke it may seem, first thing you ask is if it would affect your mental health.
Now she has gone rogue and satisfaction is eluding you now.
My take, if it really does affect your mental health to the point of frustration, and the love is still strong like you say, then go for separation for maybe a year, explaining to your kids to need for it, to avoid divorce. Then see if she would sacrifice her pleasures for love. If she doesn't you can conscientiously tear up the papers.
Your mental health first, so you end up dead prematurely or morose or even suicidal.

YourFavEvangeli:
Which part?

This one below.
Thanks

Girls grow up thinking about their wedding day. The term "married" gives women a sense of purpose and security

Why worry about cheating when you are in an open relationship? Or if you dont know what is called an open relationship, then ask will smith and jada pink

Myexdisturbs:
He's not married, thats the babe mama

My bad. Though OP should still leave.

apatheticme:
Having a voice doesn't make me the boss at home!

Being assertive doesn't make me the boss at home!

Besides, why should my home or what happens there be your business?? Why are you crying more than the bereaved?? With this particular interest of yours in my home affairs and particularly trying to always talk my husband down, I can only conclude that you're obsessed with this moniker!

I'm happily and unconditionally married, go troll and woo singles!! Stop following me about. You call everyone simp, yet you're the biggest SIMP who is stuck with me and using reverse psychology to denigrate my husband in order to get my attention! I'm not interested.

Leave my home, my husband out of your foolery!!

Of course everyone should have a voice and be assertive. Those are not the problems.

It is your masculine attitude that makes me sure the only kind of man that can marry you must be feminine and docile.

This is what I saw in the OP and that I was sure your husband would exactly be like. You surely must walk all over him, while he is patient and trying to please you.

Cant u just quit and freaking much on? you are slowly k!lling yourself. u deserve more, you deserve better

Gamesmart:
Of course everyone should have a voice and be assertive. Those are not the problems.

It is your masculine attitude that makes me sure the only kind of man that can marry you must be feminine and docile.

This is what I saw in the OP and that I was sure your husband would exactly be like. You surely must walk all over him, while he is patient and trying to please you.

.

shut up ode. Real love doesn't share their partners and try to justify it. Sense no common sha. Both of u adopted nonsense and poison life style but unfortunately you're the one dying first. Oga die in peace and let us hear. We nairalanders didn't arrange and vote open relationship for u and ur whatever u call her.smh

Cassahav:
calm down love is real

apatheticme:
Guy getat!

You're basically fixated on conjectures and a smear campaign against my husband.

Knock yourself out with your baseless unfounded speculations as well as your obsession. I'm done engaging you. Do your worst!!

Trust me, you are very masculine.

You and your manner cannot be attractive to a masculine man.

Gamesmart:
Trust me, you are very masculine.

You and your manner cannot be attractive to a masculine man.

@apatheticme, pls ignore this troll. He is a miserable fellow. You responding to him gives him orgasm. He is obviously jobless and comes to NL to make himself happy. Ignoring him is the solution to stoping him from trolling your comments.

[quote author=Tosin9119 post=112803268]

apatheticme:
Honestly, I've even forgotten about him.

But every now and then, He keeps popping up on the radar, mentioning me all over the place! I'm done with him now though, it's clear he's obsessed with me. I'm done giving him any further attention!

Tnks!

You are welcome

What is the name of this novel?

seguno2:
This one below.
Thanks

lol, where does the love for cinderella come from? If u have a daughter, u will understand what im saying

Tosin9119:
@apatheticme, pls ignore this troll. He is a miserable fellow. You responding to him gives him orgasm. He is obviously jobless and comes to NL to make himself happy. Ignoring him is the solution to stoping him from trolling your comments.

Tosin, wetin happen?

I know you?

Cassahav:
I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

Go to Jesus.

Cassahav:
I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

Youre crazy letting your wife do this all those years. Youre the man ur the boss.
Set ur foot down n take control of your marraige. No matter what there should be no outsiders or third parties in any marraige