Why will you accept open relationship in your marriage at the first place, you ruin the marriage yourself they say women are emotional being not like men, we men can have several sex partners with no single feelings attached to it while is not the same with women, once you allow your wife to start tasting all types of dick outside your marriage just know the marriage is good as dead, who teach you that nonsense, open relationship in marriage, you better move on with your life!

Repent.
Repentance is the only way.
Go to the Creator with a sincere heart.
Turn away from your past errors.
You were both living a lie and polluting each other with deception.
Go to God for healing.
Reject the lies and be cleansed
of the false life you lived.
Pray and pray.
Talk to your wife.
Pray and pray.
Lead her to God.
Save your home from manipulations of the darkness.
Pray and pray.
Go learn to pray.
Affirmative prayers.
Warlike prayers.
Militant prayer.
Shut the doors of your life permanently againt the darkness.
Serve the Creator with a pure heart.
The past shall crumble into dust and be scattered into oblivion.
Joy shall fill your breast and laughter your mouth.

Cassahav:

I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

She's putting ur under too much negative pressure to meet a,certain standard or she cheats right away without realising good sexual relationship isn't achieved by one person alone. it takes 2 to tango.

it's like she making u do smtn under duress and its better not to even try under such conditions as u are bound to fail and become more broken for failing a test under the worst conditions.

For u to improve ur sex life there has to be emotional balance. Right now u are emotionally weak and distraught to be good any what she wants cos she cheating and blaming u for her cheating which is actually wrong and not true.

when ur partner doesn't meat ur energy u don't go out and cheat if u love them rather u both discuss ways to improve on it not giving one party an ultimatum. its counterproductive.

U didn't to stop the sex entirely fir now and work on ur mindset and better communication with her. Don't have sex with sm1 like ure trying to outdo her other partners when she's not a one night stand bt ur committed partner.

it's degrading to you.

Obviously you haven't dedicated your life to something or someone 100% before, you can't even fully love yourself how could anyone expect you to give out genuine love

koolaid87:


A fool at 40 is a fool forever

Your wife declared the relationship open and you're not happy with it, yet you're here to ask for advice

All your simp motherfvckers deserved a place in hell.

Op, she had emasculated you.

You seriously need the red pill

Cassahav:

I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

At 40+ years . I don't have advice for you.
As they say " a fool at 40, is a fool for ever. No point advising you.

You are lost already.

All y response have been a bit back to back. keep em coming. op, you nor try.

Lamasta:

You are a joke yourself imagine being in a relationship with a woman having another relationship with another man in your presence, are you not a joke

abi not even a side chicks oO, allowing your wife, a woman you are emotionally attached to involving in other relationship under your nose, that dude is sick!

I guess you live abroad. Possibly married to a non Nigerian. I guess also your wife is richer than you are, maybe the breadwinner or better still financially independent.
If you are Nigerian, you mentioned the word partner, are you married to her as in you paid her bride price or legally married?
The above is a starting point to understand your matter.

Cassahav:

I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

this is the best advice you can get from me ..Leave her bro.

My brother, I blame you because you allowed devil into your marriage.
Such happens only where family does not pray together.
It's not late for you to repair your home it can only take a lot of effort to win your wife again.

Firstly, make a decision to fix your home (despite what people will say)
Secondly, go on your knees and seek Gods wisdom
Thirdly, apologize to your wife (whether you wrong her or not)
Fourthly, a woman you have lived with for more than a decade you should be able to know her dream man...baba, be that man
Fifth, YOU MUST BE GOOD IN BED, take your time to apply pre-intimacy...make her extremely wet and she will ask for it, penetrate her slowly for a while and then f*ck her so hard like its your last chance to rebuild romance, also try to understand how she likes it best and follow suit.
Sixth, always call her for a joint prayer with your children.
Seventh, don't discuss her extra affairs unless she brings it in for discussion...

Then come back and thank me here 09038765763 (Feel free)

NofiuFade:
abi not even a side chicks oO, allowing your wife, a woman you are emotionally attached to involving in other relationship under your nose, that dude is sick!

In dey seek for advice again

Cassahav:

Whew!!!!

One question: Why didn't you marry her?

jaxxy:


She's putting ur under too much negative pressure to meet a,certain standard or she cheats right away without realising good sexual relationship isn't achieved by one person alone. it takes 2 to tango.

it's like she making u do smtn under duress and its better not to even try under such conditions as u are bound to fail and become more broken for failing a test under the worst conditions.

For u to improve ur sex life there has to be emotional balance. Right now u are emotionally weak and distraught to be good any what she wants cos she cheating and blaming u for her cheating which is actually wrong and not true.

when ur partner doesn't meat ur energy u don't go out and cheat if u love them rather u both discuss ways to improve on it not giving one party an ultimatum. its counterproductive.

U didn't to stop the sex entirely fir now and work on ur mindset and better communication with her. Don't have sex with sm1 like ure trying to outdo her other partners when she's not a one night stand bt ur committed partner.

it's degrading to you.

U didn't to stop the sex entirely fir now and work on ur mindset and better communication with her. Don't have sex with sm1 like ure trying to outdo her other partners when she's not a one night stand bt ur committed partner.

it's degrading to you.

Words of the wise. #No go dey do pass yourself.

Cassahav:

I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

Y'all should stop bringing your marriage issue here. Its messing with my mind.

How can you get attached to street lighter You deserve better knock.

Lamasta:

In dey seek for advice again

some men are not even fit to be categorize as men, they are plenty of them out there, I look at many of them with pity, lost generations

gbami:



At 40+ years . I don't have advice for you.
As they say " a fool at 40, is a fool for ever. No point advising you.

You are lost already.

Oga it does not follow. If not 90% of men will be fools at 40 if you know what a lot of folks go through in supposedly perfect marriages.
When you start to hear stories, you will be shocked.

SIMple men forget that there are more than 3 billion women on earth, but will always choose to earn emotional trauma

Now that the game has started you want to shift the goal post.. I feel your pain, enjoy the game till the ref blows final whistle at 90 mins... Maybe it's the extra time that will favour you.. all the best

Cassahav:


Lol ad slap the shit out of you if you make a joke on my family

Ain't it a joke already? What do you think her lovers laugh about?

Many people will condemn you because they have never met a narcissistic and manipulative woman. These women will break any will or resolve that you have, while playing the victim. Your sanity matters. Leave while you have the choice. Leave before you get more damaged. Leave... How do I know this? I'm afraid I might be dating one too

Cassahav:


This one don sweet you bar?

for your sex life, try and take bitter cola before match. A seed or two will do. 30 minutes to one hour before match

cherryCola:
We have run out of advice for y'all SIMPle men .

Gbamsulotely, hahaha

I strongly believe that OP doesn't even give a fvck about your opinions.

Nigga jus dey use una catch cruise.

I pray all SIMPs die. Amen

alizma:

First of all, you are a "strong man". It's unfortunate you are in this mess but I think we need to know and learn from why on earth do you, in the first place accept your wife to be sleeping with another man and how were you able to manage the feelings.
You see sometimes people are asking to be thought when they are supposed to be the teacher. A lot of us here needs to know and understand something from your experience, please tell us something rather than asking us.
If we have more insight to why you do or accept what you accepted, then we might be more equip to advise you.

She's his babymama and they're in an open relationship but he finds it hard to date others so he's stuck with her. Watching the one you love date others is breaking him.

Cassahav:

I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

Let her go then repair your life. Don't die because of a woman. If you die today she will still continue her wayward life. You need to be determined in order to repair your life. Don't live a life of pity.

MaziOfPH:
Candidly, i will advice you break out right away. Forget about you been viable to anyone as at the moment, take your time to heal up alone, rebuild your soul, emotions and wellbeing and don't let a woman who doesn't deserve the least of you make you feel as if you will never be enough for her.

This issue of people been polyamorous and still expect their partner to be 100% loyal to them is something our society isn't ready to discuss yet especially those who are married, how do you get to be married and have sexual relationship with another person aside your husband/wife and still expect them to be ok with it? Our society is loosing it's every value as each day does by and am scared for our future and generations to come.

Lol, she's his babymama of 20yrs

It's unfortunate that you had to marry and stay married to your oga....hian! Your description of the situation is close to being annoying! I am guessing she earns more, she is better placed and you are both abroad. Nonsense and ingredients.

Give it another decade, she may slow down or you may have completely burnt-out without caring anyone. Isiewu!

Cassahav:

I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

Any advice would be cool.

Dude nobody has advice for u. Ur wife cheats and throws it at ur face , and u are asking for advice here ?


Nawah ooo

I don't think here is where you get good advise, but you can separate now, since you are certain you cannot love her. The least you can do is separate while you have the strength to control your emotions, for the sake of your children and the love you still have for her.

Are you afraid of starting over, dont be.

Beauty is overrated, not all that glitters is gold, we can learn from others. Know when is time to let go. Know your limits, You have shown a strong emotional intelligence and restraint, that will have a positive affect on your children.

Oga

Why would you copy an article from UK Guardian Newspaper and post as yours.

"After 10 years of hiding affairs, my partner has declared we’re in an open relationship. I feel broken
She has offered to be monogamous with me, or to find a way for us to separate as painlessly as possible. How can I repair myself – and our sex life?

Picture posed by models of a man sitting with head in hands, and a couple smiling on a couch
‘If I was single again, I don’t think I would be a viable person to have a relationship with.’ (Picture posed by models.) Composite: Getty
Pamela Stephenson Connolly
Tue 10 May 2022 11.24 BST
487
I am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship – nearly 20 years – and have two children. For the past 10 years my partner has been having short-term lovers. These were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship “open”, and currently has a lover who I do know about. But this “open relationship” can only be one-sided, because she is jealous and suspicious while I am basically not polyamorous. So why stay together? We get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together.

However, the years of suppressing my emotions – of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to – have left me broken. Sex (which we still occasionally do have) has become stressed: if I don’t perform enthusiastically, it will justify her seeking other lovers. Also, I am expected to remain sexually attracted to her, which gets more difficult when I know she’s been with someone else recently. We had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me – or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. We were both very upset, as we are very much still in love, and wish the sex side of our relationship wasn’t such a terrible mess.

Advertisement

But it has occurred to me that I am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade. If I was single again – or my partner was to become monogamous with me again – I don’t think I would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. How do I start to repair myself, inside or outside this relationship?

It’s high time you set boundaries with your partner. In the past, you have been enormously accommodating – more than you really wanted to be – and that has left you with residual resentment. Underlying resentment is one of the most common causes of lowered libido, so no wonder you struggle to “perform enthusiastically”. It is highly likely that, if you stand your ground about the things that upset you – everything that gives you a sense that the unspoken contract between you is an unfair one – and ask specifically for the changes you need, you will elicit better behaviour and more appreciation, respect and even sexual interest from her. You will also feel far better about yourself. A restoration of the power balance between you should have the further effect of increasing the erotic connection between you. Then you will be in a better position to decide what you truly want and make the larger decisions.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
Topics
Life and style
Sexual healing
Sex
Family
features
R

Husband and wife issue na 5 & 6, I no fit tell you wetting day my mind