₦airaland Forum

virginprincess:
People get married for different reasons,not all marry because of love,some marry because of physical looks,financial stability,lack of husband, spiritual level,etc and not because they love their spouse,so it is easy not to have feelings in that type of marriage,also people don't just fall out of love in marriage,there must be something that happened.

yuping:
you should know what you are looking for in marriage, what do you expect your spouse to do? What do you think you should be doing that you are not doing.
Have you tried going for holiday for weeks or month.
Try all this first and see if the love will ignite ones more.

placeofallure:
Hmmmn! Marriage is not yam and beans. It takes great effort to stay married after the thrills of the wedding day.

First, marry your friend. That's a big prerequisite. How often do you fall out with your friend? With great friends, you argue, then you come around, friendship continues. There'll always be something to keep you together. Marriage is not so different. It could be the jokes, the scent of his or her clothes, the way he stutters as he speaks, the gait or anything at all that you remember when you are alone and smile.

Hubby and I were just mere friends for years before love set in. We were gist partners. The type that you will be keeping hot gists for, anticipating when you will see next. When we started to date, our gist moments continued. We'd trek from Apapa Road to Alagomeji, my place, not because we couldn't afford transport fare but because we enjoyed talking. Then, I'd follow him back a bit, just to talk. Our marriage is about a decade old, we still gist late into the night. It's because we were friends first.

We don't normally sit together in church. We're both workers, but we sat together yesterday because it was Children Day service and the kids handled everything. After a while, he told me "It's good we don't sit together, else we won't concentrate in church."
He told me today after work that there are times he looks at me when I'm asleep, he'll smile then say a word of prayer for me. A decade isn't a long time but the embers haven't dimmed one bit!

It's marrying for the wrong reasons that makes it impossible to sustain the tempo with which you started. Beauty, wealth, financial stability, societal pressure, educational background, tribe, religion etc are dangerous reasons to get entangled with anyone.

Love, is overated. Love alone is never enough. There'll be challenges that will stretch your so called love. What then happens? Marriage is not for the faint hearted, not for slay queens nor redpillers. You need to have a great strength of character. Be kind, be responsible, be fair, be firm, be understanding, be tolerant, be humane.
Thank you.

Marriages still work OP, let yours be among the few that work. What were the great things that brought you together? Go back and work on those things. Barring violence, I don't like divorces. God bless your home.

PerfectStranger:
Nothing like butterflies bruh. All na infatuation or call it whatsoever.
Nothing like true love or eternal love anymore in this present generation apart from your momma.
Many still sticking together,do so coz of what the society would say.Know this,know peace.

myrygurl:
Husband is always busy with work, mon - sat, no time for outings. It is quite boring.

yuping:
sorry for this, but you know that what pays the bill, but try and talk to him about is leave at work, they is know way they won't give him leave at work, plan for this and is not all Sunday you must go to church, you can organize a 2hours prayer one Sunday so you can spend time together after the prayer.

myrygurl:
Thanks.
I think men prioritising sex in marriage is what makes women fall out. Expecially when the woman has low libido

Coinwarrior:
just like the case of my wife that has low libido

myrygurl:
Ohh really, how are you coping?

Coinwarrior:
I do take my mind off sex and start wishing I knew it b4 I married her

myrygurl:
Thanks alot, i appreciate this. I will try and walk through it.

czarr:
So you were a virgin before marriage...you probably married early then. So it's not that you miss the wild life of single life, it's that you think you've missed out on the wild life cos you didn't live it....and you thought that somehow marriage is going to reward you for your sexual discipline, and you realise that there is no award for your virginity, and you can see some single friends who were about that wild life also get married....you are angry and transferring the anger to your husband.

You may also be crushing on someone and marriage (your husband) is keeping you from acting on that crush.

Do you really believe your husband has the same level of love or attraction for had for you when he first met you? No! he has seen you finish, you have both seen each other finish, it's Normal for that attraction and butterflies to go down.

He has seen you hanging your pants, sleeping like a zombie, when you are sick and horrible looking, going to toilet, he smells your involuntary farts at night, and you too, you have seen all about him.

You have to understand that after 3 years in all marriages reality sets in, all those lovey dovey stuff goes away and what is left is committment. That is what love is, committment. Love is not a feeling, it's a choice to stay committed to someone.

You think because you don't feel anything for the guy anymore, that your soul mate is out there and your marriage is keeping you from meeting him, if you meet another guy outside and he commits to you, you would still get bored when real life sets in, and routine nature of marriage begins.

Be guided.

pansophist:
When will people realize that love is a decision, not an emotion? This is the very foundation of all the divorce and break up out there. People expect the butterflies to be there permanently. Take other instances of love relationships (eg between parents and child), you will see that many times, the child pisses off their parents so bad from childhood to adulthood, but the parent didn't just dump the child because they fell out of love with him/her, or a child falling out of love with their parents because they pissed him off, that is nonsense.

You marry someone because based on your assessment of their virtue, you have decided to love them. It is a decision. Of course, it helps if you are sexually attracted to them, but that should be secondary, not primary. All the people that I considered attractive ten years ago are not attractive anymore when I see them. I see many of my classmates I was attracted to then, and now, I am like, ''Did I actually fall for you''? Now imagine I married one then because of attraction and she gained 20kg of fat, losing her attraction, then it will be a straight divorce.

The above is what our ancestors understood, hence they save their son/daughter the stress of searching for a partner and instead, arranged it themselves. Because if you allow young people to make such delicate choices, they will choose partners based on stupid reasons such as ass, height, job, and other superficial things that don't directly make a marriage successful. Also, your parents have a clearer eye, they are not attracted to your to-be husband/wife, and based on the experience of their own marriages as well, they will look for such qualities in a partner for their child.

I am not saying arranged marriage doesn't have its downsides, but I am building a case of why it was practiced in the past, unlike now where we think discarding old cultural practices is modernization, and it is a lie. Are we not paying the price for that big mistake? Relationships now are more of a headache than peace, and it will get worse because problems just like humans grow too. I predict that in twenty years' time, any marriage lasting for twenty years will be seen as a miracle. Because we have confused feelings with love (a decision), and virtues with vices.

In conclusion, the very two things you need to know when it comes to marriage is to assess the virtues of the person you want to marry (that's assuming you are virtuous yourself and can see if someone else is virtuous too, or else you are fooling yourself), and if they are marriageable, then decide (a verb, an action word) that you will love them regardless if you loose attraction, just as you will love your child even if they turn out to be short like aki and paw paw. It is sad that society trains people on how to become effective employees, but not the path to happiness and lifelong satisfaction.

cc: franchasng

myrygurl:
This is the reality, my option now is to forge ahead and pass the phase then. I was considering divorce at a point but i was talked out of it.
Thanks alot

PerfectStranger:
Nothing like butterflies bruh. All na infatuation or call it whatsoever.
Nothing like true love or eternal love anymore in this present generation apart from your momma.
Many still sticking together,do so coz of what the society would say.Know this,know peace.

myrygurl:
Hi nairalanders, this is for the married folks out there. Is there anyone who was not in love with his or her spouse before marriage and just decided to get married anyway or is there anyone who no longer have any feelings or love for his or her spouse but still remain in the marriage? How are you coping biko? I need to find strength somewhere �

Note: i am not talking about the marriage that has any form of violence whatsoever o. This is for the peaceful marriage where everything is going well just that feelings and love is no longer there.

Moderators please move this to fp ejo, biko, donAllah, abeg

Lalasticala
Mynd44

elmagnifico411:
I think in a way, d reverse is my case. When I was about getting married, I wasn't feeling butterflies in my tummy kinda shit . A week to my wedding, a friend said to me; "Femi, it doesn't really show in you that you're about getting married, you're not excited". I remember I told him I dont know if I'm in love, but I know I am committed. May it was becos most of my friends were married then, or it was that same kinda feeling I had when I was about going for nysc. I wasn't just excited even as plans were made..

Fast forward to 6 years now, aswear, I'm in love! I don't know how it all happened, but I can tell d everyday walk with her brought out some good shiii.. not that we don't fight, but mehn, the speed with which we make is out of this world. U know sometimes the kids that come in, in d process sometimes solidifies the love. Na only one thing dey pain me shaa, which I always tell her.. she's got a very low libido. But I've learnt to live with her. If I want sex, I don't wait for her to initiate, I put on the armour and worry her. Lol. What baffles me is, in the process of nacking, she'll now realise,"chai I've missed being. Nacked by my bobo oh" asking u to nack more. Wo, marriage isnt for the faint hearted jare.. the struggles/journey continues.

pansophist:
When will people realize that love is a decision, not an emotion? This is the very foundation of all the divorce and break up out there. People expect the butterflies to be there permanently. Take other instances of love relationships (eg between parents and child), you will see that many times, the child pisses off their parents so bad from childhood to adulthood, but the parent didn't just dump the child because they fell out of love with him/her, or a child falling out of love with their parents because they pissed him off, that is nonsense.

You marry someone because based on your assessment of their virtue, you have decided to love them. It is a decision. Of course, it helps if you are sexually attracted to them, but that should be secondary, not primary. All the people that I considered attractive ten years ago are not attractive anymore when I see them. I see many of my classmates I was attracted to then, and now, I am like, ''Did I actually fall for you''? Now imagine I married one then because of attraction and she gained 20kg of fat, losing her attraction, then it will be a straight divorce.

The above is what our ancestors understood, hence they save their son/daughter the stress of searching for a partner and instead, arranged it themselves. Because if you allow young people to make such delicate choices, they will choose partners based on stupid reasons such as ass, height, job, and other superficial things that don't directly make a marriage successful. Also, your parents have a clearer eye, they are not attracted to your to-be husband/wife, and based on the experience of their own marriages as well, they will look for such qualities in a partner for their child.

I am not saying arranged marriage doesn't have its downsides, but I am building a case of why it was practiced in the past, unlike now where we think discarding old cultural practices is modernization, and it is a lie. Are we not paying the price for that big mistake? Relationships now are more of a headache than peace, and it will get worse because problems just like humans grow too. I predict that in twenty years' time, any marriage lasting for twenty years will be seen as a miracle. Because we have confused feelings with love (a decision), and virtues with vices.

In conclusion, the very two things you need to know when it comes to marriage is to assess the virtues of the person you want to marry (that's assuming you are virtuous yourself and can see if someone else is virtuous too, or else you are fooling yourself), and if they are marriageable, then decide (a verb, an action word) that you will love them regardless if you loose attraction, just as you will love your child even if they turn out to be short like aki and paw paw. It is sad that society trains people on how to become effective employees, but not the path to happiness and lifelong satisfaction.

cc: franchasng