₦airaland Forum

Graduate2015:
Sorry this is going to be lengthy. I dont know how to shorten this.
I'm married for 16yrs but I cannot say that I have enjoyed my marriage. My husband is lovely when in a good mood but worst during his bad mood. His mood goes up and down but he thinks he doesn't have a problem. I think he has a bipolar and I've always mentioned to him that his behaviour seems like that but he never acknowledges it...His good part is that he gives me access to his money may be that's because I can use it to be running the house and remove that responsibility from him. He also buys me expensive things like range rover, gucci but my love language is not material stuff but hands on man because I believe I can afford that myself.

efficiencie:
Ladies and Gentlemen, no man or woman has it all. There will always be a cost for every great attribute your spouse has. If you leave your current spouse in search of another because of a flaw in his or her life you will keep changing spouses forever and ever because there is no individual that does not come with his/her unique assets and liabilities. You just have to find that special partner whose assets you are content with and whose liabilities you are willing to manage till death do you part.

Graduate2015:
Sorry this is going to be lengthy. I dont know how to shorten this.
I'm married for 16yrs but I cannot say that I have enjoyed my marriage. My husband is lovely when in a good mood but worst during his bad mood. His mood goes up and down but he thinks he doesn't have a problem. I think he has a bipolar and I've always mentioned to him that his behaviour seems like that but he never acknowledges it. Two yrs ago it got worse and we ended in couples therapy. During this period he revealed to me that while in the uni that he goes through period of sadness and the thing affected his grades anytime he experiences that mood during exam. I encouraged him to see a doctor and the doctor gave him antidepressant but he only used it for two weeks and stopped, saying he doesnt need that. But what he doesnt realise is that his period of sadness did not only happen in uni but its currently happening in his marriage. Our marriage is Iike a roller coaster. He finds problem but never suggests or initiate or even action solutions when suggested. He believes that every problem we have in our marriage is my fault ..
During his sad moments he eats unhealthy food, orders food everyday and says i make him sad and that i have caused him to gain weight. He suffers from diabetes and hypertension but he orders ice cream, chocolate smoothies during our silent period time. I've asked him for a separation but he refused. He calls me a wicked woman, that I make his life hell, that he will kill me one day. All this outburst just because u said something like can u clean up that plate u left in the sitting room(even though there was never a problem just before u ask). He uses visitors toilet but has never cleaned it. I have asked him several times not to use it. No other person at home uses it. Every morning I check and clean the toilet because he always leaves it unflushed.
He works almost everyday and provides for the family. I also work but since having our last child I only work on his day off which is once a week or twice because my son cannot stay in daycare due to his disability. He only goes to work, comes back, eat and watches tv. He detaches himself in family involvement while i run around with our children. He basically provides everything at home but he asks for my support when the need arises such as investments, I bring money for house or land deposits to support him or school fees. We have many houses. Our last duplex in Nigeria. He did foundation and stopped because he was building a house here. So I took over the building and finished he only continued from interior deco.
He doesn't help around the house, in short he messes it up and when I ask for it to be cleaned he gets really angry and can call me names. Because of my son's disability therapists comes to our house every day but he doesn't care if they meet his socks, belts and used plates in the sitting room because he leaves them there and rushes to work next day. He also doesn't delegate or ask our older kids to do any chores. He also doesn't involve in training them or in homework. He is a chronic porn addict and for the past few months he has stopped having sex with me. The last two we had in April I initiated it so I don't initiate anymore. He said anytime he ask for sex I always turn him down. But the fact is that he works everyday, sometimes nights. We.dont sleep in the same room because he snores and have sleep apnoe yet he is still not seeking any medical help. I end up staying awake the whole night if we sleep together not only does his snoring disturbs me but he also goes secs without breathing which scares me. He stays in the sitting room watching TV and comes to my room to demand sex around 4/5am which I can't do at that time. I suggested we watch TV in my room at night and have sex before sleep but he won't do it.
He also doesn't communicate his mind but end up using passive aggression to communicate. He gives silent treatment and I used to ask what was the problem as I sometimes don't even know what the problem was. Sometimes it's something I said which he could have told me off immediately. I dont ask what the problem is anymore because ive asked him to always communicate but still the same silent treatment. He can just burst into anger even with little issue. Right now I know he has some resentment and animosity towards me because of not being able to express his feelings. I buy everything in our house because he doesn't take charge or in control and always likes to be led. I think after all this yrs he is now feeling like he has lost control and i sense low self esteem even though his career is in the top highest paid job in the world. Our marriage has been like two weeks of good mood, then two weeks of silent treatment. He avoids discussing any problem and keep saying that there is no point discussing it because it will not bear any fruit that I will not change. Anything I dont do doesn't happen in our marriage. He takes responsibility of our car insurance but its not until I got into accident that I found out he hasn't paid our car insurance for a yr or two. Even our house didn't have house insurance since 2020 until i found out in April this year and immediately paid for it. He basically takes no responsibility for anything and its getting worse. It's like having a child but then u cant correct them because they can beat u up. I have a friend that her husband works all the time too but cleans their home on his day off. He also buys gadget like robotic cleaner to ease her suffering. I basically buy everything in my house. He doesn't have initiative except when investing in property, that's only place he takes leads, oh we should buy a house or land but this happens once a yr or more. It's not something you do everytime. He doesn't even know how to use a washing machine. I had to teach him when I was going away and this man damaged all his white designer clothes because he washed different colours together and also used cleaning bleach to wash clothes and my children kept saying how could he not know because they can use the machine.. I also pay for his clothes to be ironed. I don't know how he sees me as an evil person because he calls me that during quarrell.
His behaviour makes me so sad because we live overseas where is no help or family support. I'm always tired and he doesn't care. I stay awake at night with our son and he doesn't come out to help even with his cries he sleeps through it all. I don't think I can continue like this because he doesn't realise the problem. He thinks he helps around but I'm being ungrateful. I don't mind if he can own up and confess that he wants to be a traditional man but he will never confess but his actions tells me otherwise. His good part is that he gives me access to his money may be that's because I can use it to be running the house and remove that responsibility from him. He also buys me expensive things like range rover, gucci but my love language is not material stuff but hands on man because I believe I can afford that myself.

efficiencie:
You are impossible madam. If den leave you you go type book series on how bad your husband is. You claim material things are not your love language why did you seek out and marry a guy that works in the "highest" paid profession in the world but has mental issues? Is it that you didn't know about his mood swings before you married him? I am very sure you would have detected his mood swings before you decided to marry him. You got enticed by the staggering cash inflows he rakes in and now you are lamenting like egbere. Madam carry your load. We were not there when you were enjoying all the goodies and now that the time has come for you to pay the price you are looking for an excuse to take-off. Ladies and Gentlemen, no man or woman has it all. There will always be a cost for every great attribute your spouse has. If you leave your current spouse in search of another because of a flaw in his or her life you will keep changing spouses forever and ever because there is no individual that does not come with his/her unique assets and liabilities. You just have to find that special partner whose assets you are content with and whose liabilities you are willing to manage till death do you part.

Phelixblaq:
All this you are saying is trash, all I see is a woman with so much ego. You can’t try all this if you are in Nigeria. Once Una enter uk or USA Na to Dey find how to chase the man commot for house. God go judge you

Analysist:

Excuse my typos, my keyboard is glichy/

You mentined your son has special needs. Do you think you can force your son to do something his mates do that you know he is nt capable of doing? NO! Because you knw he cannot, thats why you have a professional come everyday to assist. It is the same thing for your husband. You cannot force him to do what he can not do, or doesnt have the mental capabiity to do.

The good thing is that you already know what the problem could be, a mental disorder. The problem is you not acceptiong the responsiblilties that come with that.

Solution to your problem.

Acceptance stage

1. Accept that he is not normal, and can never be.
2. Accept that he is not a leader and a macho man.
3. Accept that he will never take initative and you have to do that and manage things.

Source of problems

1. Find out what causes the mood swings. (My guess, he has a disorder)
2. Find out why he uses guest toilet. (My guess, you nag him about not keeping the main toilet tidy)
3. Find out why he doesn't like being intmate with you. (My guess, he is not attracted to you, or he likes somethings he sees in the adult movies that you do not want to do for him)
4. Find out cause of every issue.

-- If you find out the causes, avoid those things or do the things that he wants you to do.

Solutions

1* DO NOT COMPARE YOUR LIFE AND HOME WITH YOUR FRIEND!
1** Make peace with the fact that the journey will take several months and its not a quick fix.
1*** Do not talk to him like a child and stop nagging him about cleaning up and other things.
1. Accept that he might have a disorder and you will have to take care of him forever, make peace with this and see the fighting go down significantly.
2. You will need to love and care for him like you do for your son.
3. You have access to his recources, use it t make the lifr easier, buy the machine yourself and do not wait for him.
4. Show him how to love you, it is not exciting i know but he will never get clues because he does not have the mental capacity. Be direct and show him.
5. Make sticky notes and place where he might need help, eg. Toilet handle, make a simle not that says "flush please" and a heart or kiss symbol.


I know the things i mentioned are hard to do when you do not love a person or they irritate you. But that is your reality, he needs help and that is your job as the wife. It is your reality, unfortunately he is not the brave macho kind of man, you just have to make the best out of it.

NB.. When i use the word nagging, i do not mean you are at fault for teling him what he should already know. I am not blaming you in any way. But from his perspective thats how he sees it. Also i would not give this avice to a normal person, your husban is clearly not normal and he needs extra help, just like your son.



Good luck.

efficiencie:
You are impossible madam. If den leave you you go type book series on how bad your husband is. You claim material things are not your love language why did you seek out and marry a guy that works in the "highest" paid profession in the world but has mental issues? Is it that you didn't know about his mood swings before you married him? I am very sure you would have detected his mood swings before you decided to marry him. You got enticed by the staggering cash inflows he rakes in and now you are lamenting like egbere. Madam carry your load. We were not there when you were enjoying all the goodies and now that the time has come for you to pay the price you are looking for an excuse to take-off. Ladies and Gentlemen, no man or woman has it all. There will always be a cost for every great attribute your spouse has. If you leave your current spouse in search of another because of a flaw in his or her life you will keep changing spouses forever and ever because there is no individual that does not come with his/her unique assets and liabilities. You just have to find that special partner whose assets you are content with and whose liabilities you are willing to manage till death do you part.

Moneyyman:
Sorry, but there are a few questions I want to ask.

1. Did he grow up with his father?

2. If he did, what was his dad like?

3. While he may be bipolar (classic symptoms of intensive mood swings, poor hygiene, but brilliant at work), I think it goes a bit beyond that.

I may be wrong, but it seems like he had no father figure in his life, or the person never set the right example for him.

He desperately needs therapy.

4. Does he have friends? You never mentioned if he did.

5. The combination of porn, diabetes, hypertension, and poor habits may be his end. I'll advise you to let his family know what the situation is and ask them to help or intervene.

I understand how difficult it is for you, but I also see that you're willing to help him and save your marriage. If it was the other way round, many would be advising him to divorce you.

I do hope he gets the help he needs.

endsarrrs:
Op, ... There's clearly something good about your partner and you. But what you're describing up here is pretty lousy behavior in any marriage relationship

Graduate2015:
His dad was very abusive husband both verbally, physically and psychologically. He was beating their mum and my husband being the first child always cry for him to stop. He never had any relationship with his dad and avoids him because he always find fault in everything anybody does.
He doesn't have close friends that he will listen to. He is busy working and only have wide circle of acquaintances.
Are you saying I should let his family know about his health?
Is that ethically right for me to divulge his diagnosis to his family?

NoToPile:
Seems the man has some mental health wahala.

This poster sef needs help she's clearly frustrated by the husband's issue, she also seems stressed from caring for the disabled child. Even from the write up it can be felt.

You guys are abroad, you have access to all the mental health people the only problem is trying to convince him to get help. You also need some help too.

Moneyyman:
That's the problem! You've found the solution. Right now, there are two paths (if you want to go on with the marriage):

1. Find someone he's accountable to. Based on what you've described, it seems there's no one..pastor, friend, or family.

2. Try and get him to therapy. I know you've been trying without much success, but maybe try a different approach?

As for the ethical issue, I'm not saying you should send medical reports or something. But it's not bad or uncommon to ask your in-laws to intervene in a marital issue when it goes beyond your power. You don't have to divulge his diagnosis. Just make them aware that their son and brother is going through a hard time and you're trying to reach out to him emotionally to no avail. Maybe they can help.

Finally, I don't know if you pray. But please do...

ireneidiva:
What made you think he was 'highest paid' before their wedding? Since you've decided to conclude that she married him for money.

Graduate2015:
Your post is a reality check.
He uses visitors toilet because its.in the downstairs and he is too lazy to climb upstairs. He also doesn't have sex with me because he says I always deny him when he asks so he has now stopped asking. He will have sex anytime I initiate so he is still attracted to me but complains I only ask for sex when I want. He doesn't want to follow my suggestion and doesn't want to initiate a solution for.our sex life. He changes and starts helping if u talk to him but goes back to his nature after a week or two.weeks.

Graduate2015:
Thank you for acknowledging my predicament. My son doesn't sleep at night and my husband doesn't help when he is crying at night. During the day I'm so so tired but will still wake up clean after everyone's mess and cook for my children. Also have to take care of my toddler which is exhausting since he can't be in childcare due to sensory issue. He has countless meltdowns in childcare and they couldn't manage him.
It's really hard for me to manage my husband's behaviour especially now my son is also special need. Too much for.me to handle.. since my last child it's been really a roller coaster journey probably because I have zero tolerance for his behaviour unlike before.
Though he still doesn't recognises that he may have a mental health issue. He thinks I'm the problem

Analysist:
I mean it is obvious what the problem is here.
You are treating and speaking to him like a child and that has destroyed his ego! He doesn’t trust you with his heart and ego anymore.

Personally, I think your husband has something more in the line of ADHD. Do some research on it, you will understand how to handle him better.

It’s going to be tough I wouldn’t lie, people with ADHD get bored of things and routines easily, that’s why they fall off and can’t commit to a schedule for long. You will need to be innovative and change it up regularly to keep the interest!

You will need to always initiate intimacy for months, hoping for that one time he will ask you, if he does never turn him down even if you want to die. It is a step to building the trust and him trusting you again. That one will quickly become two and three and more. Never turn him down, it’s you building his ego back up. I know it’s hard, but it is just the sacrifice you have to make.

You are trying to fight him with force and it will never work, they are the most stubborn people and have their guard up like a brick wall around their heart.

The easiest way to break them is love, care and tender. Live up on this man and watch how he will breakdown for you. Loving him is the only way to break that defence and he will admit by himself that has an issue, this is the only way to get him to admit. Forcing him is like taking away the little ego he has left, so you have to show him that despite his flaws you still cherish and respect him. Trust me, you can only unlock this level by showing him love and respect. No nagging, no argument , no telling him no, make him feel like king. Then slowly you choose the language you use to get him to go see a professional.
If you try to use force, forget it!

Also, throw away that 11 years older ish, stop expecting him to be the bigger person because he is not, you are! Accept that you are the driver and the responsibility that comes with it. But, never show him that you are, it is a skill you need to learn- making him think it is his Idea or he is in-charge but really you the one doing the driving. Remember, he has a very fragile ego and you have to extremely careful.

Main points and take away

1. Do a deep research into ADHD and how to handle it in adults.
2. Stop treating and taking to him like a child.
3. Build his ego back up, treat him like a king. Respect! Respect!! Respect!!!
4. Accept after doing all this work, he will get better but will always require guidance and assistance to be consistent.
5. Accept he will always need help

Good luck

eminent91:
Madam Graduate2015,I must really empathize with you for what you are going through.It is not easy at all because I can relate to your ordeal.It is a crazy situation i must say.You have come a long way sis,16years is no child's play living with such a person.Mine is just 5years,I would have left but I can't for the sake of my kids.Yours is better,at least you have the finances to make life better for you and you are also in a better environment.We are practically struggling here.I am a very emotional person and words get to me deeply.My husband will never appreciate the little effort I make,he sees me as the cause of his ordeals,says hurtful things about my family; same people who have been there for him all these years,he wouldn't involve me in decision making,alot of things I can't mention.I have totally lost all affections for him.I just allow him have sex because i noticed that denying him sex na wahala I dey find. I will advise you to just ignore him.People like that don't listen to advice,they are always right.Forget about that family time you are clamouring for cos you won't get it.Stop the nagging attitude,always allow him have his way(The word "No" no dey their brain),do not involve in any form of argument with him at all.Spend quality time with your children,overtime you will get used to it.Get help to assist with the house chores if it becoming too overwhelming for you.Please,do not deny him SEX,even if it means laying like a log wood,do it sis.Your mental health is also important. E- hugs to you dear.

Graduate2015:
Waoo waoo u are truly an Analysist just like ur username. I'm going to copy ur suggestions and read them everyday to keep myself in check because it can be very frustrating. I used my time to research on adult ADHD and that's is my husband. He forgets things, once he is home he is always looking for his phone. Everything about Adult ADHD is my home. I also read experiences of partners living with them and that's my life. They turn u into a nag as that's the only way things can get done around the house. They also mention that they can also suffer from bipolar disorder and sometimes both are interwoven. I have been complaining that he doesn't listen when I'm talking to him or even when I ask him to do something he will just forgets it. He doesn't remember any of our children's date of birth. I have researched about ADHD in kids as we suspect my son has it. He is constantly on the move especially in daycare that they cant cope. He can't sit still for more than 2mins. I also remember my husband saying how he never entered class in early stages of primary school as he was busy playing around and can't even remember where his class was. Thank you for this insight. I pray he reads about adult adhd and acknowledges that's his problem. I've always imagined why he just can't organise, manage himself or pay his bills.

This one kind of ties in with relationship woes, because it has to do with a person’s emotions. Someone with ADHD will experience a constant flux in their emotions. One minute they are up, the next they are down. It’s also closely associated with some of the other symptoms on this list, such as being easily distracted or unable to focus. “You can easily become bored and go looking for excitement on a whim. Small frustrations can seem intolerable or bring on depression and mood swings,” explains Healthline. These kinds of unstable emotions can cause an array of problems both in your personal and professional life.

In relation to this, Health.com also explains that adults with ADHD might suffer from a short fuse, or quick temper. They will have trouble controlling their emotions in heated situations and find themselves easily frustrated and fuming mad one second, then completely over it the next. This symptom is tricky and is easily misconstrued as bipolar disorder. In fact, Health.com notes that often times people with ADHD are misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Graduate2015:
So sorry you are going through this. This life eeehh imagine you wanting to be involved in the decision making. Mine doesn't make any decision without my input. Sometimes it irritates me.

NoToPile:
I am so sorry for what you are passing through, try to seek more help for your baby if it will make you cope with the situation and if you can afford it, you are physically, emotionally and psychologically stressed, if you need some form of therapy please get it fortunately you seem to be in a country where those things are common.

You are not the problem please, ignore him if you can. You are not the messiah, you have tried to get him to seek help for his state of mind he didn't get it fully, now you have a whole lot on your hands caring for your child with special needs that alone is tasking.

He has to acknowledge that he needs help first if not it's just a rigmaroll.

Cutehector:
If you were in his shoes and he made you look like the worst person on earth, would you feel happy?

Graduate2015:
I can never be in his shoes because I detest unorganised place. I'm very proactive and I don't wait for someone to remind me do activities of daily living

Graduate2015:
Sorry this is going to be lengthy. I dont know how to shorten this.
I'm married for 16yrs but I cannot say that I have enjoyed my marriage. My husband is lovely when in a good mood but worst during his bad mood. His mood goes up and down but he thinks he doesn't have a problem. I think he has a bipolar and I've always mentioned to him that his behaviour seems like that but he never acknowledges it. Two yrs ago it got worse and we ended in couples therapy. During this period he revealed to me that while in the uni that he goes through period of sadness and the thing affected his grades anytime he experiences that mood during exam. I encouraged him to see a doctor and the doctor gave him antidepressant but he only used it for two weeks and stopped, saying he doesnt need that. But what he doesnt realise is that his period of sadness did not only happen in uni but its currently happening in his marriage. Our marriage is Iike a roller coaster. He finds problem but never suggests or initiate or even action solutions when suggested. He believes that every problem we have in our marriage is my fault ..
During his sad moments he eats unhealthy food, orders food everyday and says i make him sad and that i have caused him to gain weight. He suffers from diabetes and hypertension but he orders ice cream, chocolate smoothies during our silent period time. I've asked him for a separation but he refused. He calls me a wicked woman, that I make his life hell, that he will kill me one day. All this outburst just because u said something like can u clean up that plate u left in the sitting room(even though there was never a problem just before u ask). He uses visitors toilet but has never cleaned it. I have asked him several times not to use it. No other person at home uses it. Every morning I check and clean the toilet because he always leaves it unflushed.
He works almost everyday and provides for the family. I also work but since having our last child I only work on his day off which is once a week or twice because my son cannot stay in daycare due to his disability. He only goes to work, comes back, eat and watches tv. He detaches himself in family involvement while i run around with our children. He basically provides everything at home but he asks for my support when the need arises such as investments, I bring money for house or land deposits to support him or school fees. We have many houses. Our last duplex in Nigeria. He did foundation and stopped because he was building a house here. So I took over the building and finished he only continued from interior deco.
He doesn't help around the house, in short he messes it up and when I ask for it to be cleaned he gets really angry and can call me names. Because of my son's disability therapists comes to our house every day but he doesn't care if they meet his socks, belts and used plates in the sitting room because he leaves them there and rushes to work next day. He also doesn't delegate or ask our older kids to do any chores. He also doesn't involve in training them or in homework. He is a chronic porn addict and for the past few months he has stopped having sex with me. The last two we had in April I initiated it so I don't initiate anymore. He said anytime he ask for sex I always turn him down. But the fact is that he works everyday, sometimes nights. We.dont sleep in the same room because he snores and have sleep apnoe yet he is still not seeking any medical help. I end up staying awake the whole night if we sleep together not only does his snoring disturbs me but he also goes secs without breathing which scares me. He stays in the sitting room watching TV and comes to my room to demand sex around 4/5am which I can't do at that time. I suggested we watch TV in my room at night and have sex before sleep but he won't do it.
He also doesn't communicate his mind but end up using passive aggression to communicate. He gives silent treatment and I used to ask what was the problem as I sometimes don't even know what the problem was. Sometimes it's something I said which he could have told me off immediately. I dont ask what the problem is anymore because ive asked him to always communicate but still the same silent treatment. He can just burst into anger even with little issue. Right now I know he has some resentment and animosity towards me because of not being able to express his feelings. I buy everything in our house because he doesn't take charge or in control and always likes to be led. I think after all this yrs he is now feeling like he has lost control and i sense low self esteem even though his career is in the top highest paid job in the world. Our marriage has been like two weeks of good mood, then two weeks of silent treatment. He avoids discussing any problem and keep saying that there is no point discussing it because it will not bear any fruit that I will not change. Anything I dont do doesn't happen in our marriage. He takes responsibility of our car insurance but its not until I got into accident that I found out he hasn't paid our car insurance for a yr or two. Even our house didn't have house insurance since 2020 until i found out in April this year and immediately paid for it. He basically takes no responsibility for anything and its getting worse. It's like having a child but then u cant correct them because they can beat u up. I have a friend that her husband works all the time too but cleans their home on his day off. He also buys gadget like robotic cleaner to ease her suffering. I basically buy everything in my house. He doesn't have initiative except when investing in property, that's only place he takes leads, oh we should buy a house or land but this happens once a yr or more. It's not something you do everytime. He doesn't even know how to use a washing machine. I had to teach him when I was going away and this man damaged all his white designer clothes because he washed different colours together and also used cleaning bleach to wash clothes and my children kept saying how could he not know because they can use the machine.. I also pay for his clothes to be ironed. I don't know how he sees me as an evil person because he calls me that during quarrell.
His behaviour makes me so sad because we live overseas where is no help or family support. I'm always tired and he doesn't care. I stay awake at night with our son and he doesn't come out to help even with his cries he sleeps through it all. I don't think I can continue like this because he doesn't realise the problem. He thinks he helps around but I'm being ungrateful. I don't mind if he can own up and confess that he wants to be a traditional man but he will never confess but his actions tells me otherwise. His good part is that he gives me access to his money may be that's because I can use it to be running the house and remove that responsibility from him. He also buys me expensive things like range rover, gucci but my love language is not material stuff but hands on man because I believe I can afford that myself.

Graduate2015:
I can never be in his shoes because I detest unorganised place. I'm very proactive and I don't wait for someone to remind me do activities of daily living

Graduate2015:
Sorry this is going to be lengthy. I dont know how to shorten this.
I'm married for 16yrs but I cannot say that I have enjoyed my marriage. My husband is lovely when in a good mood but worst during his bad mood. His mood goes up and down but he thinks he doesn't have a problem. I think he has a bipolar and I've always mentioned to him that his behaviour seems like that but he never acknowledges it. Two yrs ago it got worse and we ended in couples therapy. During this period he revealed to me that while in the uni that he goes through period of sadness and the thing affected his grades anytime he experiences that mood during exam. I encouraged him to see a doctor and the doctor gave him antidepressant but he only used it for two weeks and stopped, saying he doesnt need that. But what he doesnt realise is that his period of sadness did not only happen in uni but its currently happening in his marriage. Our marriage is Iike a roller coaster. He finds problem but never suggests or initiate or even action solutions when suggested. He believes that every problem we have in our marriage is my fault ..
During his sad moments he eats unhealthy food, orders food everyday and says i make him sad and that i have caused him to gain weight. He suffers from diabetes and hypertension but he orders ice cream, chocolate smoothies during our silent period time. I've asked him for a separation but he refused. He calls me a wicked woman, that I make his life hell, that he will kill me one day. All this outburst just because u said something like can u clean up that plate u left in the sitting room(even though there was never a problem just before u ask). He uses visitors toilet but has never cleaned it. I have asked him several times not to use it. No other person at home uses it. Every morning I check and clean the toilet because he always leaves it unflushed.
He works almost everyday and provides for the family. I also work but since having our last child I only work on his day off which is once a week or twice because my son cannot stay in daycare due to his disability. He only goes to work, comes back, eat and watches tv. He detaches himself in family involvement while i run around with our children. He basically provides everything at home but he asks for my support when the need arises such as investments, I bring money for house or land deposits to support him or school fees. We have many houses. Our last duplex in Nigeria. He did foundation and stopped because he was building a house here. So I took over the building and finished he only continued from interior deco.
He doesn't help around the house, in short he messes it up and when I ask for it to be cleaned he gets really angry and can call me names. Because of my son's disability therapists comes to our house every day but he doesn't care if they meet his socks, belts and used plates in the sitting room because he leaves them there and rushes to work next day. He also doesn't delegate or ask our older kids to do any chores. He also doesn't involve in training them or in homework. He is a chronic porn addict and for the past few months he has stopped having sex with me. The last two we had in April I initiated it so I don't initiate anymore. He said anytime he ask for sex I always turn him down. But the fact is that he works everyday, sometimes nights. We.dont sleep in the same room because he snores and have sleep apnoe yet he is still not seeking any medical help. I end up staying awake the whole night if we sleep together not only does his snoring disturbs me but he also goes secs without breathing which scares me. He stays in the sitting room watching TV and comes to my room to demand sex around 4/5am which I can't do at that time. I suggested we watch TV in my room at night and have sex before sleep but he won't do it.
He also doesn't communicate his mind but end up using passive aggression to communicate. He gives silent treatment and I used to ask what was the problem as I sometimes don't even know what the problem was. Sometimes it's something I said which he could have told me off immediately. I dont ask what the problem is anymore because ive asked him to always communicate but still the same silent treatment. He can just burst into anger even with little issue. Right now I know he has some resentment and animosity towards me because of not being able to express his feelings. I buy everything in our house because he doesn't take charge or in control and always likes to be led. I think after all this yrs he is now feeling like he has lost control and i sense low self esteem even though his career is in the top highest paid job in the world. Our marriage has been like two weeks of good mood, then two weeks of silent treatment. He avoids discussing any problem and keep saying that there is no point discussing it because it will not bear any fruit that I will not change. Anything I dont do doesn't happen in our marriage. He takes responsibility of our car insurance but its not until I got into accident that I found out he hasn't paid our car insurance for a yr or two. Even our house didn't have house insurance since 2020 until i found out in April this year and immediately paid for it. He basically takes no responsibility for anything and its getting worse. It's like having a child but then u cant correct them because they can beat u up. I have a friend that her husband works all the time too but cleans their home on his day off. He also buys gadget like robotic cleaner to ease her suffering. I basically buy everything in my house. He doesn't have initiative except when investing in property, that's only place he takes leads, oh we should buy a house or land but this happens once a yr or more. It's not something you do everytime. He doesn't even know how to use a washing machine. I had to teach him when I was going away and this man damaged all his white designer clothes because he washed different colours together and also used cleaning bleach to wash clothes and my children kept saying how could he not know because they can use the machine.. I also pay for his clothes to be ironed. I don't know how he sees me as an evil person because he calls me that during quarrell.
His behaviour makes me so sad because we live overseas where is no help or family support. I'm always tired and he doesn't care. I stay awake at night with our son and he doesn't come out to help even with his cries he sleeps through it all. I don't think I can continue like this because he doesn't realise the problem. He thinks he helps around but I'm being ungrateful. I don't mind if he can own up and confess that he wants to be a traditional man but he will never confess but his actions tells me otherwise. His good part is that he gives me access to his money may be that's because I can use it to be running the house and remove that responsibility from him. He also buys me expensive things like range rover, gucci but my love language is not material stuff but hands on man because I believe I can afford that myself.