Jackie999:
I was told it's a common practice for Igbos😒

Yes, it's is. They hardly become polygamist and if he divorces, his wife will own the kids, automatically. So he won't.

tochez24:


Finishing it under 2 minutes without comprehending it is of no value my brother⚠️

First of all, I never made a case for all Nigerians in my comment.... I said 95% of Nigerians which means you could be an exception of the remaining 5%

Secondly, i didn't say NIGERIANS or myself don't like reading, i said we don't like reading long stories that are not useful to us or that don't involve money.

But instead of comprehending my points like a supposed literate, you dived my comment like a hungry lion looking for a bush meat, simply because you want to be noticed, and we all know who come be illiterate now😀😀

Oshey🙌🏽.... i don see you oga medicine and surge abroad based😅😅😅

I'm just pitying your patients because your type fit dey forget needles and razor for person body 😂😂🤣🤣🤣

Bro... just shut up in Jesus name!.

I'm currently 20year old man with barbing skills and Microsoft skills, if you need a man, i'm willing to marry you -- though i'm too young for that, but, life is what it is...

Akano5:
I'm currently 20year old man with barbing skills and Microsoft skills, if you need a man, i'm willing to marry you -- though i'm too young for that, but, life is what it is...

Weyrey, this one dey find meal ticket.

Trojan8:

Weyrey, this one dey find meal ticket.

that's your problem

So you would have accepted that he divorces his wife to marry you? I thought you described yourself as "beautiful and independent", how come you are unable to attract any male in South Africa? How come you have never been in a relationship? How come the only man you have ever been able to attract is an immigrant,...... a married man with 4 children?

You have the mind to criticize his wife, you say she is this and that, you think marriage is easy? You couldn't get any man to date you, talkless of getting married, yet you are criticising his wife. You think it's easy for the wife over there? You think he would have been better off being with you "miss perfect". You think marriage is easy? You don't know that couple's do have their ups and downs?

Stop trying to sound decent or good. Decent women don't go after married men or wish that married men divorce their original wives to marry them.

Jackie999:
Thank you.

No hard feelings.

You're right. I'm just sad because the outcome I anticipated was the opposite. However, I won't paint him as a bad person because he never promised to divorce his wife for us to be together and I thank God for his transparency.
Many men could never.

I'm definitely not looking but if genuine sweet love comes back around, yay 😁

Cock and bull stories. It's amazing that you are not aware that the wife is correct, you are actually the one who makes the man forget his family.

Jackie999:
I wish it was just about love. He has responsibilities and the way their marriage happened is also another issue. His father arranged the lady for him. The lady is a family friend of his father's. So those loyalties. And she has threatened him over and over again. Any small post on WhatsApp and she's losing her mind. Accusing him of forgetting about them in Nigeria which is ridiculous because he does everything for his family. Idk but I cannot force anyone to do anything. Neither should I wish to

You were well brought up, yet you keep a married man for over 3yrs, and wished he divorced his wife, he refused to divorce her, and you are now here, trying to sound decent? Seriously?

Jackie999:
Your insistence that I'm lying is shocking. I posted on here because I have nobody to confide in who I feel comfortable telling about this whole thing. Poly marriages aren't really a thing - especially not for someone brought up how I was, in the city etc. So I can't tell my friends or family that's why I posted.

Smh, joker marriage is not compulsory, but if you want to marry, go and find your own man, leave her husband alone. You are this good, yet you couldn't find a single man in South Africa, really?

Jackie999:
I do not have the maturity to be a second wife. And I'm too selfish with my partner to be as well. Truthfully, she may be in Nigeria but I'm here with him. Doing all the wifely duties, supporting him when they argue etc. It's draining because we never fight, but they're forever bickering and it changes his overall mood with me. Sounds like a glorified side chick.

I strongly believe that polygamous marriages work best when the wives are all level headed, nice people. Can't "co-wife" when one of the women are hot headed.

I love him and will likely remain friends. Definitely can't be the second wife.

Thanks for the response.

brainycaleb:


Bro... just shut up in Jesus name!.

Thunder fire you there ⚡⚡

Jackie999:
Lol yessssss, it's a good country. Although there are many challenges. Overall though, the people are friendly

Which one is "the people"? LOL...You're always using third person pronouns like you're not from there which I find interesting. Can we connect? Lemme be your next bf so you can finally forget that guy for good. Btw with me,you don't need to bring anything to the table as am bringing every thing. Trust me,challenges no be something for me. Just whisper.

Jackie999:
He has asked and spoken to his wife. Like 6 months ago. She agreed saying she has no choice but now she's always complaining that he does not have time for her anymore... that's another problem

You're being too forward by already concluding that he wanted to marry you.

What if he never intended to marry you?
What if he just wanted the relationship alone?

Jackie999:
This is the best comment. I appreciate your input.

To answer your questions.
- I am not missing him physically but definitely thinking about him.
- I've always put myself first and thus built a good life for myself but this time I thought compromising would've served me well. Tbh, it's not with it.

He has 3 children. I cannot even imagine explaining that to my parents. I've been a perfect daughter and I guess this relationship is not worth tarnishing my reputation over. It's very shameful to me (privately) to love a man who I know I won't ever completely call my own. I love his kids, we support them etc but there's nothing I can do except leave and choose my future

Thanks

Cool.


You did well.

Just try and work on your mind, so that you can really forget him and stop thinking of him.

Jackie999:
I was told it's a common practice for Igbos😒

Traditionally maybe but today atleast 95% are thought to be Christian and virtually all denominations preach “one man one woman”

Jackie999:
He explained that about the Igbo culture. And his father too.

But why can't a person just return the bride price if his no longer happy?

But does that mean that personal happiness doesn't matter?

Why would a woman insist on staying in a marriage where there was no love or any form of romance?

It's confusing to me but I respect it 100%.

Good lessons learned.

If “personal happiness” is one’s main purpose in life then I doubt marriage (in it’s original form) is for them

As an example here’s the catholic wedding vows:

I, ___, take you, ___, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I will love and honor you all the days of my life

I’m sure you’ve heard that before but truly read it slowly and understand what they are vowing to do. You essentially promise to stick to one another, regardless of personal happiness, when you get married. This is where the anti-divorce culture comes from.

Marriage has been re-interpreted in the west and that view is slowly filtering out so I understand your confusion.

PS: they are showing their love for each other by staying together despite the lack of “romance” from your pov

Men are like pendulum, circumstances of life has pushed him to the other side.Things has changed and definitions have change.
What is polygamous?
The real polygamous context is when u are staying in thesame house with another wife.
What is first wife?
First wife is someone that stay with husband 24/7

Circumstances of life has changed alot of things in nigeria. Most Nigerians have traveled out and it is difficult to bring family along. They remarried but they are taking care of what they left behind by sending money.

If he is a good guy, stay with him. He can be with u in south Africa till old age. He know that it can take 15yrs b4 he gets paper and by the time he travels back, the wife is already on menopause. We have alot of them here and the wife in nigeria knows the reality. If u leave him, another person will accept him

Jackie999:
Sorry to hear that.

Ok you've been here for a while. I hope things are looking up for you

Whatsapp me 0737839889.
Waiting to hear from u.

Oh my angel. Forget dating, focus on critical skills and do courses aligned to that and work hard in school.
Hugs

Akano5:
I'm currently 20year old man with barbing skills and Microsoft skills, if you need a man, i'm willing to marry you -- though i'm too young for that, but, life is what it is...

I appreciate your input. Let's keep it classy and refrain from insults


First thing first, there is NOTHING wrong with dating an immigrant. I feel so embarrassed on your behalf for acting as if me dating a father is anything to be ashamed of. People have lived. That's what we do. We live. We err. We achieve. It's the human experience. Him looking for better opportunities in a foreign land or having children is not a flaw.

I am really beautiful, confident and independent. That is not up for discussion. However, those things have nothing to do with me landing up with him. I was with him purely because he has a heart of gold and loved me gently and without hesitation.

Had I found someone worth my energy before him, I'd have been married mom lol.


Well yeah. I would've been comfortable if he divorced her. Do you want me to lie? You'd be surprised how many men are stuck in loveless marriages because the thought of losing access to their children keeps them locked in. Don't be silly, sometimes marriages work out, sometimes they don't.

I'm describing the wife to paint a picture. She is who she is. Not all women are going to be good wives even though she's a good mother. I have nothing against her.


There is no original wife or anything like that. If I were ok with being in a polygamous marriage I definitely would've gone for it. You're problem is you think it's a competition.

LilMissFavvy:
So you would have accepted that he divorces his wife to marry you? I thought you described yourself as "beautiful and independent", how come you are unable to attract any male in South Africa? How come you have never been in a relationship? How come the only man you have ever been able to attract is an immigrant,...... a married man with 4 children?

You have the mind to criticize his wife, you say she is this and that, you think marriage is easy? You couldn't get any man to date you, talkless of getting married, yet you are criticising his wife. You think it's easy for the wife over there? You think he would have been better off being with you "miss perfect". You think marriage is easy? You don't know that couple's do have their ups and downs?

Stop trying to sound decent or good. Decent women don't go after married men or wish that married men divorce their original wives to marry them.

Same me who is the reason he now has a relationship with his siblings and father?

Same me who encouraged him to call his wife and kids everyday instead of once a week?

Same me who sends things to Nigeria to his children?

Same me who corrects him when his wrong and speaks badly to his wife or argues on the phone with her with his kids present?

Lol yip. I definitely made him forget them

LilMissFavvy:
Cock and bull stories. It's amazing that you are not aware that the wife is correct, you are actually the one who makes the man forget his family.

Refuses? How can he when women use kids as bargaining chips to keep men in the marriage? I'm not even a parent but I'd sure as hell also choose my biological children over a girlfriend or boyfriend.

LilMissFavvy:
You were well brought up, yet you keep a married man for over 3yrs, and wished he divorced his wife, he refused to divorce her, and you are now here, trying to sound decent? Seriously?

He made it clear. Informed his wife on speaker with me. Spoke and met with my mother.

Well if he didn't intend to, then that's ok. I'd have being wrong. Which is a lesson learned. I'm not afraid of making a mistake and learning from it

BluntCrazeMan:


You're being too forward by already concluding that he wanted to marry you.

What if he never intended to marry you?
What if he just wanted the relationship alone?

I'm sorry to say this but Nigeria is a different different place to South Africa. You think think my main goal has always been to secure a man and get married? Unfortunately your culture is toxic for women. They sometimes settle just to have the title of wife.


I'm not embarrassed to say that I was never prepared to let the other guys meet my parents.

My heart landed on him. Not any other man before him. His circumstances are unfortunate because of my culture and beliefs... But I respect and adore him regardless. Just not romantically anymore

LilMissFavvy:
Smh, joker marriage is not compulsory, but if you want to marry, go and find your own man, leave her husband alone. You are this good, yet you couldn't find a single man in South Africa, really?

I pity them both if that's the case. The relationship I had with him was ROMANTIC, SELF SACRIFICING, SOFT AF, and very emotionally intimate.

I know why she's in the marriage because she tells him almost weekly. And it's because she's made it clear that "Her" God will punish him. And he will not succeed or have a relationship with his kids ever again if he ever leaves her.

She doesn't even know that I was the one sending him money so that she could get 200k Naira monthly when her husband was pushing.


I know and see a HAPPY, peaceful, romantic marriage daily with my parents.

My own mother works darn hard but has owned over 15 cars because of my father. Let me tell you, you can be happy happy happy.

My perspective may be different because I've lived life on easy mode. And I thank God for that.

wegevv:


If “personal happiness” is one’s main purpose in life then I doubt marriage (in it’s original form) is for them

As an example here’s the catholic wedding vows:

I, ___, take you, ___, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I will love and honor you all the days of my life

I’m sure you’ve heard that before but truly read it slowly and understand what they are vowing to do. You essentially promise to stick to one another, regardless of personal happiness, when you get married. This is where the anti-divorce culture comes from.

Marriage has been re-interpreted in the west and that view is slowly filtering out so I understand your confusion.

PS: they are showing their love for each other by staying together despite the lack of “romance” from your pov

No! I left him.

I'm not selfish enough to justify him but travelling home to his family. He must visit often if he can afford, or else why is he working so hard?

I don't believe in hoarding people or that someone is my possession. If I marry him, my mother made it clear that I have to go to his father's house and live there for a while. I take marriage seriously and unfortunately I am not from a culture where polygamy is permissible.

I'm not immigration. Papers are the least of my concern. If he needed that, I'm happy to help him. Lol why wouldn't I want his kids to have access to a better passport? Ugh man

okewumi:
Men are like pendulum, circumstances of life has pushed him to the other side.Things has changed and definitions have change.
What is polygamous?
The real polygamous context is when u are staying in thesame house with another wife.
What is first wife?
First wife is someone that stay with husband 24/7

Circumstances of life has changed alot of things in nigeria. Most Nigerians have traveled out and it is difficult to bring family along. They remarried but they are taking care of what they left behind by sending money.

If he is a good guy, stay with him. He can be with u in south Africa till old age. He know that it can take 15yrs b4 he gets paper and by the time he travels back, the wife is already on menopause. We have alot of them here and the wife in nigeria knows the reality. If u leave him, another person will accept him

Just messaged you

ghettochild4u:

Whatsapp me 0737839889.
Waiting to hear from u.

Did the women force these men to have sex or impregnate them? I wouldn't be surprised if he has 3 or more kids from this same woman who you try to paint black. Yes, it is very necessary for a man and woman who brought a child into the world to care for the child, that's why some women refuse to let their husbands go.

Jackie999:
Refuses? How can he when women use kids as bargaining chips to keep men in the marriage? I'm not even a parent but I'd sure as hell also choose my biological children over a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Fix your life my dear, leave a married man alone. Even averagely beautiful women don't have a problem finding a man, yet you claim to be this and that yet an immigrant who came to Hussle, is whom you decided to cling to, even when he refused to divorce his wife. Fix your life dear, leave husband and wife to fix their own lives.

Jackie999:
Same me who is the reason he now has a relationship with his siblings and father?

Same me who encouraged him to call his wife and kids everyday instead of once a week?

Same me who sends things to Nigeria to his children?

Same me who corrects him when his wrong and speaks badly to his wife or argues on the phone with her with his kids present?

Lol yip. I definitely made him forget them

Let's have an honest discussion. I love learning from people who have different perspective.

Disclaimer: I am no longer personally invested in the topic because I'm not with him. So let's chat.

1. Do you think forcing someone to stay with you by threatening and being manipulative is a good way to experience love?
2. Is it healthy for children to grow up in a home where the MARRIED parents talk to one another sith contempt and disrespect?
3. Is it ok for a society to shame single young women who have children out of wedlock to the point that they feel the only option is to lie to another guy in order to get married?
4. Do you think marriage is a duty or choice?

LilMissFavvy:
Did the women force these men to have sex or impregnate them? I wouldn't be surprised if he has 3 or more kids from this same woman who you try to paint black. Yes, it is very necessary for a man and woman who brought a child into the world to care for the child, that's why some women refuse to let their husbands go.

I'm single. Thanks for the motivation.

Beauty isn't everything

You can get a man and he treats you badly. Great!

Let me tell you. Nobody is above another. And that's coming from me this never experienced even a lick of hardships. Today it's me, tomorrow it's you.

Nigerians are so judgement to one another. So what if he is an AFRICAN who travelled to another AFRICAN COUNTRY for better opportunities? Immigration is only fancy when it's whites, right? I know you'd date a Finnish immigrant or Australian white knight.

!!!change your thinking!!!

Our brothers are worthy of love. No matter where they're from.

Absolutely no critical thinking.

LilMissFavvy:
Fix your life my dear, leave a married man alone. Even averagely beautiful women don't have a problem finding a man, yet you claim to be this and that yet an immigrant who came to Hussle, is whom you decided to cling to, even when he refused to divorce his wife. Fix your life dear, leave husband and wife to fix their own lives.