₦airaland Forum

Hello Nairalanders, I need sincere advice about my relationship because I am getting confused and emotionally tired.

I have been in a relationship with a lady (let me call her Fumilayo) and we are planning our Introduction ceremony in about two months. However, some issues have been bothering me and I need honest opinions.

1. Her Attitude

Sometimes I feel like she is pretending about her personality. She often raises her voice at me and sometimes yells whenever I point out something she did that I don’t like. Instead of discussing issues calmly, it usually turns into an argument.

This makes me uncomfortable because I prefer peaceful communication in a relationship.

2. Money Issues

Most of our disagreements are about money. She believes I should be giving her regular financial support like monthly upkeep, but I feel pressured.

Sometimes I feel she is with me mainly because I have a stable job and that she wants to use me to achieve her business goals and maybe leave later. I may be wrong, but this fear is in my mind.

Background

When we met, I was doing my Master's degree and also attending banking school at the same time. She was in Egypt hustling then.

We were dating and she knew I was doing my Master's, but I didn’t tell her about banking school then.

After I finished banking school, I was posted to Head Office instead of a branch. I became a product manager handling a banking product after finishing my Master's.

When she returned from Egypt and visited me in Lagos, that was when she discovered that I was working at the Head Office. Before then, she had been worried about me getting a job after my Master's and I kept telling her God would provide.

Her own plan is to open a hairstyling business in Lagos.

Lifestyle Differences

Another issue is spending habits.

She likes expensive things and believes cheap things have no value because they spoil quickly. She doesn’t like trekking and prefers taking a bike even for short distances.

The truth is that both of us did not come from wealthy families. I usually advise that we should reduce spending and focus on building wealth together, but she doesn’t always agree.

The Main Problem – Introduction Planning

We are planning our Introduction ceremony in about two months.

My plan was to save:

₦170k first month for clothes
₦170k second month for logistics and introduction items for her family in Ibadan

But during the first month, unexpected bills came:
Transportation
Feeding and food stocking
My sister became seriously sick and I had to send emergency money home
Support for my parents
Electricity and waste bills
House maintenance
Investments and small savings (₦35k)

Because of all these, I could not provide the ₦170k as planned.

The amount I could afford at that time was ₦76k for her to manage.

The Introduction is supposed to be a simple living-room ceremony, not something big. I even suggested wearing a white native attire I already have so we can focus more on the wedding later.

But she became angry and said ₦76k is too small and asked what it can do.

My Concern

I am getting tired of constant arguments and pressure.

I know I am not perfect and I have my weaknesses, but I am trying my best.

Sometimes I wonder:
Am I being unfair?
Is she being unreasonable?
Are these signs I should reconsider this marriage?

Please Nairalanders, I need honest advice.

My advise for you is...the earlier you abort that mission the better for you...you are sad and lamenting already...don't compromise your happiness...both of you are opposite...


Sit down and think of the day you don't have money or stable job...what she will do to you?

Good luck sha...dog when wan die no dey hear him owner voice again

Is this not what people have been saying? Dem don blow whistle yet you still dey play ball. When dem cancel your goal, you go dey shout

Red flags full everywhere....
My one cent

You will get better advice from older person's who have been in marriage for a long time not the way the poster above me have said.
Take the errors that you can absorb, find a way to settle those you can't.
No marriage is perfect.
Perhaps that's not the reason for marriage.
It's about two imperfect people learning how to be perfect. That's what marriage is all about.
Am saying this from experience.

God abeg ooooo. The kain rubbish you guys tolerate sha o.

One, I am a very humble person, but you see that self-respect, then nor born your papah well, make you raise voice at me when we dey discuss something - once write off.

For someone that likes peaceful communication, aren't you seeing now that you guys are not communicating at all? Why is it always guys who are economically stable that take up badly-behaved liabilities?

I'm sure she has amazing qualities that attract you to her, but if you're not exaggerating any of the things you wrote up there, then I am almost forced to believe that everything you like is material, cos her attitude is wack.

Monthly upkeep as an entitled request just for being my girlfriend - okay na.

So, OP, what are the amazing qualities about this person that has made you stay with her - because if there's nothing, did your jhujhu man tell you that she's your marry or dhie?

saintopus:
Take the errors that you can absorb, find a way to settle those you can't...

Kai!
Yieu women ar evull. See Wike.d advice.

That is why it is good to not marry

You don't need to be confused. Just do what your mind is telling you (walk away now that it's not too late). The red flags wide like 10 yards hollandis or else na "wreck it Ralph" you go marry

Please don't ignore any of her negative attitude. If you do, you're going to regret it later. Whatever she is doing now, it will multiply by 3 when you get married. There is nothing like she will change. It gets worse when you finally go and spend your hard-earned money to bring them home. I hope you hear me. I'm giving you a piece of advice as a married man.


Ire o

These are obvious red flags.


Moreover,how much is she contributing for the introduction?

Your instincts are passing a message better listen

i dont think u need any advice, u just need to run

You're sounding so drained...


Looking for counsel in a faceless forum can be misleading because our lives are unique in their own ways.

But in all, listen to your inner voice. If she's pretending, then it only gets worse.

That monthly upkeep shiii would be the deal breaker for me if I was in your shoes eeeishhh I hate entitled ladies like crazy because it's a sign they don't love you.

Why do I feel you'll never be a happy man after marrying her.

If she be virgin, no lele, otherwise, u don carry another person bone be dat.

I doubt someone that has traversed through the land of Pharaoh can still be a virgin sha.

saintopus:
You will get better advice from older person's who have been in marriage for a long time not the way the poster above me have said.
Take the errors that you can absorb, find a way to settle those you can't.
No marriage is perfect.
Perhaps that's not the reason for marriage.
It's about two imperfect people learning how to be perfect. That's what marriage is all about.
Am saying this from experience.

Before the issue of imperfection they must first be compatible and complement each other, love each other for who they are. You do not expect a person to marry someone given to undue anger outbursts under the justification of imperfection.

Give her one year to work and live on her own. Her eye go open. Then. Dictate everything you should. U are Too much in a hurry

You said she was hustling in Egypt.

What kind of work was she doing there?

With all the stories of Nigerian girls ashawoing in other countries yet it didn't ring a bell in your head?

To me, that is enough reason to ditch her regardless of whatever qualities she has

Always listen to your instincts... If it tells you to abort the marriage mission. Do it and save yourself from future depression

Two cannot walk together unless they have the same vision.

You've reached point of no going back.

"For if they do these things when the tree is green, what will happen when it is dry?”
Everything you have highlighted here is a conversation to be heard with your bride to be, don't forget Grooms are meant to nurture not seccumb to pressure, ask her what's her idea of a rich lifestyle? Give her the benefits of a doubt to express herself and then afterwards ask her how does she intend to fund it? Watch her talk, then tell her your story, your idea of a rich life, how you intend to fund it, you both must have a shared vision at least for the benefits of a doubt , this conversation must be made before the introduction, such that you both have a foundation to always reflect on, you noticed you are not perfect yourself and I do not intend to to ask of your own fault, however, this pressure you feel is temporary and you feel it because it's a hidden thought, if you fear escalation ask for a counselling session with a priest if catholic or reasonable man of God who's married if she's a believer or a therapist if she's atheists, the idea is to have a trusted authority figure to mediate the conversation away from personal emotions to concrete logic you both can rely on in the future. The truth is, as soon s your pocket starts getting bigger, the pressure will start getting smaller, you both have to be patient until you can afford that lifestyle, if she's a good woman overall, don't miss a good opportunity over a moment of pressure, because in my experience, pressure in heterosexual relationships never stops but you both must respect each other to the extent that conversation and arguments leaves room for future interactions.

Weytin 9ja girls go use boys eye see erh!

My advice to every guy man, find any girl you like, knack belle give her and abandon her.

If the child don they go like 2years, take body near her knack another belle give her and abandon her again.

If you dont have peace leave now.

rickpat:
Good luck sha...dog when wan die no dey hear him owner voice again

This comment or should I say proverb got me laughing hard.

Na so...the dog go use earpod nlock him two ears

Chicious:
This comment or should I say proverb got me laughing hard.

If person no tell you, can't you see for yourself that this lady is going to give you issues in marriage? Shall stay financially stable and healthy,cux to leave you for a rich dude won't be difficult for her.. She doesn't even care about how you feel or how you are coping. Na how to impress people concern her. That's not a wife

Brother, your head first.
Don't go into something you will bite your fingers later in life and regret. From what you posted, I think you want to get married to a baddie, that has no love for you. Get married to her while disregarding all the glaring facts, you go suffer for the marriage.

But seems you've made up your mind to suffer in the marriage, I see no reason why you will even think of introduction, knowing fully well that you have seen and tested 2 percent of what you're going to suffer when you get married to her.

You never even enter the marriage you don dey lament

pls for the sake of your peace of mind abort mission NOW before it's late.

Don't be a sissy, she's obviously not a wife material