₦airaland Forum

freecocoa:
I haven't said I'm annoyed just yet,just telling you your words have the propensity to annoy, how does pointing that out make me hateful? Please don't tell me you also can't comprehend.

You've called a woman you barely know, a slut like a zillion times and you are one to talk about being civilized? Pot meets kettle, you are a danger to your own self, too bad.

I already admitted that's a mistake upon some people's useful comments providing a different perspective, and have written an additional note about it. So why bring it up again?

You're like you never thought someone's a slut in your whole life, never even heard of that word before I used it, ANGEL.

LostMermaid:
Believe me You'd make a more wicked one.

Just read your comments.

You're accusing me of possibility of turning into a wicked stepmom, whereas showing me an incredible amount of wickedness. Never seen so much irony. It's so ironic that it actually made me laugh.

God forbid, i know how crazy it was to have a stepmother. YOU ARE A REPLICA of my step mom
you will have hypertension if you keep running from pillar to post calling someone else a slut and hating on a kid

have you tested your BP today?

carefreewannabe:
Edwife was talking to a wall. The ex stole the show from her. Lord have mercy.

This is not nice. Is being mean on forums on the internet your way of dealing with your everyday stress?

LostMermaid:
This is not nice. Is being mean on forums on the internet your way of dealing with your everyday stress?

I don't have stress, you do. I can help you, find a man without kids.

You are not a bad person, you are just incapable of dealing with the situation in a mature and reasonable way. Sorry if the truth hurts you but it is just the way it is.

zeezahbee:
God forbid, i know how crazy it was to have a stepmother. YOU ARE A REPLICA of my step mom
you will have hypertension if you keep running from pillar to post calling someone else a slut and hating on a kid

have you tested your BP today?

There it goes... You wrote those mean things because you remembered your own step mom. That's why you judged harshly. Let me remind you I have never done or said anything even slightly bad to the child. And I have a lovely relationship with the child, so far.

Tell me what would have made you love or like your stepmom, then?

What would you expect, specifically? And what made you dislike her?

carefreewannabe:
I don't have stress, you do. I can help you, find a man without kids.

You are not a bad person, you are just incapable of dealing with the situation in a mature and reasonable way. Sorry if the truth hurts you but it is just the way it is.

Would you marry a man with a kid?

How would you view him already having experienced having a child with another woman?

I'm asking to find out your mature, reasonable way.

LostMermaid:
You're really right....

I just can't help but feel (SOMETIMES) that if that woman hadn't lied about being on birth control pill when she actually wasn't, and then not understanding pregnancy until 4th month, and all; I would have had the chance of forming a more problem-less life with the man who I believe is the one for me. When I think about it, it makes me angry.... It's like that ex stole that show from me. I dont know how to express in the right way but like... stole my chance of being a family with him and experiencing having a child the feelings of becoming parents together, for the first time.. Do you understand me? Tell me, how would you feel? And how can I stop this from annoying me sometimes?

.

I will feel lucky to have the opportunity to share my life with the man i love and embrace his past.When you were young,did you at anytime thought of settling down with a baby daddy?I am pretty much sure the answer will be no,so you see-the more we grow and go through many stages in life,we choose what is believed to be the best for us...

You must understand that everyone has a past and that's is your fiance past and has nothing to do with you because you are his future.
Be his future instead of wishing to have been his past!

This is real life and not a cinderella story,otherwise you would not even think of dating him in the first place rather go for a single guy with no babymama.Even at that,he will still talk about one of his girlfriend who left a great impact in his life,it happens.Some exes remained friends for a reason

carefreewannabe:
Edwife was talking to a wall. The ex stole the show from her. Lord have mercy.

carefree i just have this feeling that she is very young and still have butterflies,you know when you madly in love as a teen-it's like everything stop functioning,the world needs to stop for you.

He must be her first true love...

LostMermaid:
I already admitted that's a mistake upon some people's useful comments providing a different perspective, and have written an additional note about it. So why bring it up again?

You're like you never thought someone's a slut in your whole life, never even heard of that word before I used it, ANGEL.

You are wrong to assume I read every other person's post before quoting you, you do understand how a public forum works right? I had something to say as regards the issue, I said it, now what's your point again?

Thinking someone a slut is quite different from going about hating them and their child by extension, especially because of what your boyfriend told you, not necessarily because you know her as a slut.

I can think someone a slut alright but it doesn't mean I have to hate the person because of it.

Look at you wishing you and hubby will experience the joy of especting your first fruit but fortunately or unfortunately, he alredy has one.

If you don't work on yourself before getting married,you would always be these hateful and angry btw who says you can't have what you wish for.

I also wish for that but unlike you,I won't trade it for anything

zeezahbee:
God forbid, i know how crazy it was to have a stepmother. YOU ARE A REPLICA of my step mom
you will have hypertension if you keep running from pillar to post calling someone else a slut and hating on a kid

have you tested your BP today?

Why do you think any other average woman will act different from what this lady and how your step mom did

Joavid:
I think you've been in family section long enough to know that love is not enough. Never has been.


Can you be a mother,care giver to a toddler which can be irritating (considering how kids are) and still watch your husband spoil her silly with his attention?

Will you not subconsciously become harsh to the child cos you are jealous and irritated.

Jealous because despite the child been silly(kids are silly), her dad your hubby still gives her that love and attention?
(Heck! I get jealous of our last born sometimes.)

bear in mind that this child is NOT your blood.

Is it just me or what?

If I already realize that kids in general can be irritating and this child is just being a kid, why then should I become harsh because a kid is being a kid?

Just why would I be jealous of a child? What will this child possibly stop my man from doing for me? The love he has for me is different from the one he has for his child, why should there be a competition? I don't treat people based on blood alone, ofcourse being blood can put one at an advantage but that doesn't stop one from being fair, I am a very fair person maybe that's why it's hard for me to see things from the angle you are coming from.

It can only be a problem, if my man is neglecting me because of the child, and even then, the problem will be between he and I.

zeb04:
Look at you wishing you and hubby will experience the joy of especting your first fruit but fortunately or unfortunately, he alredy has one.

If you don't work on yourself before getting married,you would always be these hateful and angry btw who says you can't have what you wish for.

I also wish for that but unlike you,I won't trade it for anything

It's a thought.... I said I feel it sometimes...Not always... I don't live with that thought. I wanted to share it openly, SO I can prevent that thought affecting the relationship or future marriage badly.

Do you have anything to tell, on how not to feel a little bit sad that he experienced that with someone else?

LostMermaid:
Would you marry a man with a kid?

How would you view him already having experienced having a child with another woman?

I'm asking to find out your mature, reasonable way.

I would marry a man with a child, even with two if we are compatible and happy with each other.

I would not give myself a headache because of an ex, there is probably more than one reason why she is his ex. I don't feel the need to compete with any woman, his ex, mother of his kids or even Angelina Jolie.

I would try my best for the kids to be happy and to feel that our home is their home, that would be my priority, not my ego. I would always remind myself that I was lucky enough to grow up with parents who sticked together and to live with them under one roof, something that these kids will never have. And the well-being of these kids would be my priority, not some freak show that helps me to feel like a star. I don't care if I was the first, I want to be his last.

I would prefer a man without kids because what I have said is sometimes easier said than done and it takes a lot of strength to act in a mature way and to put the needs of a kid, that is not yours, above your own.

Different issues may arise in the course of your relationship / marriage. Maybe the mother will be a trouble maker, maybe she will be peaceful. Maybe the kids will be lovely, maybe they will be displaying behavioral problems. It's just the beginning. Make sure you can handle different scenarios without the kids having to suffer because of you.

LostMermaid:
He said he never thought she could do something like that, so he believed her when she said she was on birth control pill.

Some men prefer no condom I guess cause it feels better or something.

And you believe him?
Her crime is laying to conceive a baby with a man that was not in your life when all this went down
Chai
I hope dem no go shave ya head gorimakpa in this union

Please how old is this man and how old are you?
I feel like I am talking to a teenager

edwife:
carefree i just have this feeling that she is very young and still have butterflies,you know when you madly in love as a teen-it's like everything stop functioning,the world needs to stop for you.

He must be her first true love...

I was thinking the same and this is why I am convinced that she should not marry him for now. She is not mature enough to handle the situation.
It is just the beginning and it is already too much for her. What if in the course of the marriage the mother of the child starts making trouble and what if she riles the kid up against her?

She cannot even deal with the situation as it is now, what if it becomes more difficult?

It is best for her and the child that she waits some more before she gets married to this man. Maybe she will be able to handle it better with time, maybe she will realize that she is not a woman who can accept someone else's kids, which is her choice then.

cococandy:
as if people ever have nice things to say about their exes.

This OP is a learner.

I suspect this is a teen.
Let me mellow down
I wonder what a young girl in her prime is doing with a man with " baggage"

carefreewannabe:
I was thinking the same and this is why I am convinced that she should not marry him for now. She is not mature enough to handle the situation.
It is just the beginning and it is already too much for her. What if in the course of the marriage the mother of the child starts making trouble and what if she riles the kid up against her?

She cannot even deal with the situation as it is now, what if it becomes more difficult?

It is best for her and the child that she waits some more before she gets married to this man. Maybe she will be able to handle it better with time, maybe she will realize that she is not a woman who can accept someone else's kids, which is her choice then.

I think that too...
Well that's left for her to decide- at least we have offered our various and useful opinions .

Good Luck to her...

Chillisauce:
Oya o. Amibo reporting.

ex Girlfriend a slut.

Fiance... A saint.

I really dey surprise for this girl.

babyosisi:
I suspect this is a teen.
Let me mellow down
I wonder what a young girl in her prime is doing with a man with " baggage"

This has to be it, then again, some people never grow up.

LostMermaid:
It's a thought.... I said I feel it sometimes...Not always... I don't live with that thought. I wanted to share it openly, SO I can prevent that thought affecting the relationship or future marriage badly.

Do you have anything to tell, on how not to feel a little bit sad that he experienced that with someone else?

Now that I feel I know you a little better ,let me give some advice based on all you have written

I have a feeling this man is your first love and you are head over heels.
Cool but note this
Most ladies don't marry their first love so you may end up not marrying this man,and life will go on
Secondly,a young girl like you should have no business marrying a man with a kid especially since it is obvious it causes you great concern
At the time I got married,I wouldn't have looked at previously married man or one with a kid
Marriage in itself is no cake walk ,are you prepared to add a step child and babymama drama on top?
When you are in your prime,husbands are a dime a dozen.spare yourself all this headache and find a man without a kid,you don't sound like you can handle it
If this man is your soulmate as you claim and you marry him,that girl is also in your life
She is only 4 and she will be in his life and yours for life if you get married to her father
He will pay school fees,give pocket money,every income he gets ,a part will go to this girl for her upkeep
Can you deal with that?
He may even at some point buy her a car and will sponsor a wedding for her and her children will be your step grandchildren for life
This will be a life long relationship and in many occasions,you will deal with her mother as long as she lives.
You will see her at events involving her,birthdays etc,if you choose to go with your man.
If you cannot accept all of that,this is a perfect time to walk.
There is a special bond between a father and his daughter and you cannot break it
Let me be frank with you,rather than expect him to love her less,he may decide to get rid of you for her sake
I am older than you,I have seen that happen
Any woman coming into a marriage to alienate existing kids from their dad is a joker,unless the man is an eediot
If he loves her,when asked to choose,he will certainly choose her not you,so don't even bother competing
Not that there is a basis for you to,the love of a child is different from the love of a wife but since you seem insecure,I am laying it bare
Take that revelation to the bank

One more thing you must know
Most parents have favorites,sometimes it is obvious
That favorite may be this kid and not your child
Can you live with that?
There is a chance that girl could be the most successful of all his children and that will endear him to her,can you live with that?
Going further,there is a chance( God forbid sha) that she may be the only biological child he may have
Can you also live with that?

You must count the cost before embarking on this building or else,you may run out of raw material midway

A beg no need to insult the OP, correct people without insults.

LostMermaid:
[size=18pt]Would you marry a man with a kid?[/size]

How would you view him already having experienced having a child with another woman?

I'm asking to find out your mature, reasonable way.

I know you didn't ask me but let me answer

[size=18pt]At the age of 23 when I got married,a capital NO.
Now that I am more mature,I can even marry a man without blokoss if he has money[/size]

babyosisi:
I know you didn't ask me but let me answer

[size=18pt]At the age of 23 when I got married,a capital NO.
Now that I am more mature,I can even marry a man without blokoss if he has money[/size]

*Dies*

freecocoa:
*Dies*

Nne priorities change with time
Don't get me wrong,I love my hubby to pieces and till death do us part but
If I happen to be entering the market now at this my "tender age",I am zeroing in down into your pocket primarily and love will follow
As long as he declares Jesus as Lord,if he likes let him be shorter than zacheus with no manhood,I will manage him well well put jara

babyosisi:
Nne priorities change with time
Don't get me wrong,I love my hubby to pieces and till death do us part but
If I happen to be entering the market now at this my "tender age",I am zeroing in down into your pocket primarily and love will follow
As long as he declares Jesus as Lord,if he likes let him be shorter than zacheus with no manhood,I will manage him well well put jara

You too funny, .

Priorities do change for real.

babyosisi:
Now that I feel I know you a little better ,let me give some advice based on all you have written

I have a feeling this man is your first love and you are head over heels.
Cool but note thistle
Most ladies don't marry their first love so you may end up not marrying this man,and life will go on
Secondly,a young girl like you should have no business marrying a man with a kid especially since it is obvious it causes you great concern
At the time I got married,I wouldn't have looked at previously married man or one with a kid
Marriage in itself is no cake walk ,are you prepared to add a step child and babymama drama on top?
When you are in your prime,husbands are a dime a dozen.spare yourself all this headache and find a man without a kid,you don't sound like you can handle it
If this man is your soulmate as you claim and you marry him,that girl is also in your life
She is only 4 and she will be in his life and yours for life if you get married to her father
He will pay school fees,give pocket money,every income he gets ,a part will go to this girl for her upkeep
Can you deal with that?
He may even at some point buy her a car and will sponsor a wedding for her and her children will be your step grandchildren for life
This will be a life long relationship and in many occasions,you will deal with her mother as long as she lives.
You will see her at events involving her,birthdays etc,if you choose to go with your man.
If you cannot accept all of that,this is a perfect time to walk.
There is a special bond between a father and his daughter and you cannot break it
Let me be frank with you,rather than expect him to love her less,he may decide to get rid of you for her sake
I am older than you,I have seen that happen
Any woman coming into a marriage to alienate existing kids from their dad is a joker,unless the man is an eediot
If he loves her,when asked to choose,he will certainly choose her not you,so don't even bother competing
Not that there is a basis for you to,the love of a child is different from the love of a wife but since you seem insecure,I am laying it bare
Take that revelation to the bank

One more thing you must know
Most parents have favorites,sometimes it is obvious
That favorite may be this kid and not your child
Can you live with that?
There is a chance that girl could be the most successful of all his children and that will endear him to her,can you live with that?
Going further,there is a chance( God forbid sha) that she may be the only biological child he may have
Can you also live with that?

You must count the cost before embarking on this building or else,you may run out of raw material midway

Cold and Hard Questions you must ask yourself

I know someone quite close to me who married a man who was a widower and had a young daughter.You know what 98% of the issues they have had (these are her own words not mine) stems from her thinking he is taking the daughter's side.OP its easy now cos 4 yr olds love everyone think teenage years when teenage girls don't even get along with their own mums not to talk of a stepmum.I feel so sad about how bad the relationship has degenerated to (girl just finished Uni and is bidding time till she moves out) they don't even talk and put the poor man in the middle.

When I tell my own person that she is the older person and probably could have handled this girl better as me and the girl have a rapport she says its ok for me to say as I don't live with her.She is always moaning she is lazy, she leaves her plate in the sink, she won't help me cook, etc etc but after a few disagreements on how she might have handled it if it was her own child (by the way her own child is much younger and she swears that her own child can never be like that as a teenager ) I just learnt to shut my mouth and mind my own business.I know how much she moaned when her hubby bought the girl am ipad while her own 7 yr old had a blackberry playbook, xbox, DS, in short every gadget kids have these days.She even moans that hubby was always broke and they could not go on holidays because he was supporting his own child through Uni when the 'lazy' girl refused to get a job like she and her mates did while in Uni (not a bad suggestion but motive is my grouse here uni education vs holidays).Funny enough they got married when the girl was little and had lil or no issues then but issues started coming up as the girl hit puberty.

I know teenagers are difficult sometimes and I really don't have the right to judge or think I would do a better job because the girl seems to like me as I am not in those shoes but girl I wrote this long epistle to let you know that it might not be easy.

My own father used to take sides with me against my mum sometimes in my teenage years and looking back it used to annoy my mum to no end but there was probably no resentment as I was her child.We used to get 'a to yin tii' meaning 'I leave you people to it' or 'maybe you will marry your father' but it was all good natured.Who knows how she or I myself that I am talking might have taken it as a stepmum?

Think looong and hard about it cos what I tell this my person is you knew he had this child and married him anyway so please stop expecting it to be a me vs her thing.

babyosisi:
I know you didn't ask me but let me answer

[size=18pt]At the age of 23 when I got married,a capital NO.
Now that I am more mature,I can even marry a man without blokoss if he has money[/size]

we got married at the same age.

How time flies . The wedding still dey do me like say na yesterday.

babyosisi:
I know you didn't ask me but let me answer

[size=18pt]At the age of 23 when I got married,a capital NO.
Now that I am more mature,I can even marry a man without blokoss if he has money[/size]

Bwuhahahahahahahahahaha
I just had to quote this!
This woman will not kee me

damiso:
Cold and Hard Questions you must ask yourself

I know someone quite close to me who married a man who was a widower and had a young daughter.You know what 98% of the issues they have had (these are her own words not mine) stems from her thinking he is taking the daughter's side.OP its easy now cos 4 yr olds love everyone think teenage years when teenage girls don't even get along with their own mums not to talk of a stepmum.I feel so sad about how bad the relationship has degenerated to (girl just finished Uni and is bidding time till she moves out) they don't even talk and put the poor man in the middle.

When I tell my own person that she is the older person and probably could have handled this girl better as me and the girl have a rapport she says its ok for me to say as I don't live with her.She is always moaning she is lazy, she leaves her plate in the sink, she won't help me cook, etc etc but after a few disagreements on how she might have handled it if it was her own child (by the way her own child is much younger and she swears that her own child can never be like that as a teenager ) I just learnt to shut my mouth and mind my own business.I know how much she moaned when her hubby bought the girl am ipad while her own 7 yr old had a blackberry playbook, xbox, DS, in short every gadget kids have these days.She even moans that hubby was always broke and they could not go on holidays because he was supporting his own child through Uni when the 'lazy' girl refused to get a job like she and her mates did while in Uni (not a bad suggestion but motive is my grouse here uni education vs holidays).Funny enough they got married when the girl was little and had lil or no issues then but issues started coming up as the girl hit puberty.

I know teenagers are difficult sometimes and I really don't have the right to judge or think I would do a better job because the girl seems to like me as I am not in those shoes but girl I wrote this long epistle to let you know that it might not be easy.

My own father used to take sides with me against my mum sometimes in my teenage years and looking back it used to annoy my mum to no end but there was probably no resentment as I was her child.We used to get 'a to yin tii' meaning 'I leave you people to it' or 'maybe you will marry your father' but it was all good natured.Who knows how she or I myself that I am talking might have taken it as a stepmum?

Think looong and hard about it cos what I tell this my person is you knew he had this child and married him anyway so please stop expecting it to be a me vs her thing.

Thank you for this example. I wonder what's the right way to handle it. If the man is spoiling the child from his past relationship, with too much money or presents etc. the best way is to let him do it? and deal with the circumstances?

Or talk to him about its being unfair? What do you think?

---

Daughters are usually very close with fathers, and they support their fathers nomatter what in general I think, therefore men tend to take sides with them too; whether the other person is the real mum or the step mum.

softysparky:
She is the daughter of a slut remember? Any time you look at her, you see her representing her slutty mother and you are worried that an innocent 4yr old will influence your unborn children.
How can you claim you love her when you hv already seen her as a dark cloud above the happiness of your future family.
Madam fear godu ooo.

Thank you jare.

LostMermaid:
Thank you for this example. I wonder what's the right way to handle it. If the man is spoiling the child from his past relationship, with too much money or presents etc. the best way is to let him do it? and deal with the circumstances?

Or talk to him about its being unfair? What do you think?

---

Daughters are usually very close with fathers, and they support their fathers nomatter what in general I think, therefore men tend to take sides with them too; whether the other person is the real mum or the step mum.

do you mind if I ask how old are you?
seriously, leave this man!
you cannot handle this!
God knows if my mum were to be a step-mum, one of us would have quenched by now
right from before I knew the difference between right and left, I always told her I loved my dad more than her imagine if na step mum she be, she go don poison me.


I love you, mum

babyosisi:
I know you didn't ask me but let me answer

[size=18pt]At the age of 23 when I got married,a capital NO.
Now that I am more mature,I can even marry a man without blokoss if he has money[/size]

Rotfl!!