Good day my fellow forumites. It's been a while opening thread on this forum. Happy sunday to us all.


This thread was borne out of a quarrel between a couple i tried to settle two days ago.
A colleague of mine approached me for advice on what is happening in her marriage, and at the end of narrating her ordeal, i pointed her fault to her as being the architech of her problems. I deduced that the bone of contention is that each time there is disagreement, he would ask her husband to choose between her and and his mother, and as it is expected, the man would choose his mother, and yawa go gas!

Please, my fellow women and wives (though some men are guilty of this too, but it's more rampant with women), let's stop this nonsense, let's stop asking silly questions, if there is an issue between you and your spouse, communicate with maturity, without raising voice, without setiments and without blackmail and most importantly, without silly questions such as, "then, you will have to choose between me and your mother" it's childish, silly, disrespectful and out of security and envy.
Let me tell us, no sane man will choose his wife over his mother, because the wife was not there when his mother conceived him, gave birth to him, breasfed him, trained him, have so many sleepless nighs because of him, sent him to school to become who he is now for you to see, admire and marry. No wife was there when the mother was washing the man's dirty clothes, even using bare hands to wash faeces with which he soiled himself, when the mother spent days in hospital when sick to make sure the man is in good health and shape. No wife was there when the mother wakes in the middle of the night to talk and advise his son on ways of life, on how to be a good child to her parents, a good person in the society, a good employee to his employer, a good employer to his employees, a good father to his children and a good husband to his wife. Now, it's the mother that the wife is now waging war against. Nooooo wayyyyyy.
Honestly, i don't know reason why there is usually rancour between DILs and MILs, if for anything, these old women deserves our respect, appreciation and to be made happy, at least for making these our husbands marriageable, abi, if they were not born, can we get married to them.

So, my fellow women, if you don't want to sadden yourself, stop asking your men to choose between you and his mother, because he would definately choose his mother. And for those who usually say, "then let him take his mother to bed", abeg, everything is not only about bed in marriage. For those who will say, "then let his mother prepare him food, remember, he has been eating his mother's food before meeting and marrying you. For those who will say, "then, let his mother bare him children", remember, the children are not only his, they're yours as well.

Let all DILs remember that they are also potential MILs and that whatever they sow as a DIL, they will reap them when they also become MIL.
Let us cultivate the habit of loving our MILs, appreciate them and stop unnecessary rivalry with them. Many of them are becoming old already, so, we need to remember that old age usually make someone to be eccentric. So, let' treat them as if they are our mother, which i believe they are. Atleast, someone who is old enough to be our spouse' mother is also fit to be our mother.
As for me, i have the most wonderful MIL in the whole world. I cherish her, adore her, love her greatly and i get the best of her, even my husband and his siblings do jealous of me.

Anytime there's a cause for all of us, me, hubby and mama, to be in a car, i open the front door for mama myself to sit, this singular act, i have been criticised of so many times, but, is it not for just one or few days, and i see that she usually love it each time i do that. She rains blessings on me as if there is no other day. I pamper her(but truth be said, she pampers me more).
See, my fellow women, this is a secret, if you want the best from your man, love his mother and you will never regret doing so.
God bless us all.
For those who will condemn this, i think i'm no longer a novice in marriage. This is my 10th year of marriage, and it's just like yesterday, we're just starting anyway, and everyday of our marriage has always been better than the previous day.

This also goes to the men who usually asks their wives to choose between them and their mothers.

P. S
DIL....daughter-in-law.
MIL....mother-in-law.

God bless us all.

@ OP...

May ur dayz b long..
U re a real woman, confirm african woman no b shere shere...


waiting for our end time gals comment too...

Even if you compare yourself with my only sister, you don jonez be dat big time not to talk of the pillar herself

You can bet the end time girls are on their way




ahen back to you madam great god if mother inlaws respect themselves and plant their a55es where they were married the issue of mil versus dil issues won't arise. You remember the yoruba proverb that says ati okere lore ti ma niyin.not only friends too but family learning like mils. If mils just see their dil from a distance and respecting boundaries mil vs dil won't arise. Ok take for instance if I come to your house without informing you first that I will come. You can let it go the first and second time but if it's recurring disrespect will start to creep in because built up resentment will start and like 7up locked up and vigorously shaken after some time will explode and all hell will be let loose



another issue is omo mummy. Has the body of an adult but the brain of an 8year old. My mummy said we should do this, my mummy said we should go here. Cannot put his home in order and set boundaries. Instead of trying to settle the issue in such a way sanity and mutual respect will be restored he will be taking sides because his brain is under his mother's armpit. The man is the one who knows the mother better than the wife so he should not allow such questions to arise by not even leaving room for it




on a lighter note you have been scarce o.you go just pass me waka on nl you cannot say hi. This pride is too mush o

menix:
@ OP...

May ur dayz b long..
U re a real woman, confirm african woman no b shere shere...


waiting for our end time gals comment too...

May you live long ma.

The question itself is a very foolish question. Even if the man will choose the wife, he will never tell her. When he married the wife, it was in the presence and with the support of his mother, so he cannot denounce his mother to win the wife. Any sane man wants his wife and his mother at the same time and would never denounce one for the other.

We all know our parents sometimes can be troublesome just like anyone else, but that does not mean your husband has to throw his mother away even if the mother has offended the wife (depending on the offense). There are more mature ways of solving any problem without asking the husband to choose.

So I agree with you ma, that it is a nonsensical question that should never be answered.

SAMBARRY:
You can bet the end time girls are on their way




ahen back to you madam great god if mother inlaws respect themselves and plant their a55es where they were married the issue of mil versus dil issues won't arise. You remember the yoruba proverb that says ati okere lore ti ma niyin.not only friends too but family learning like mils. If mils just see their dil from a distance and respecting boundaries mil vs dil won't arise. Ok take for instance if I come to your house without informing you first that I will come. You can let it go the first and second time but if it's recurring disrespect will start to creep in because built up resentment will start and like 7up locked up and vigorously shaken after some time will explode and all hell will be let loose



another issue is omo mummy. Has the body of an adult but the brain of an 8year old. My mummy said we should do this, my mummy said we should go here. Cannot put his home in order and set boundaries. Instead of trying to settle the issue in such a way sanity and mutual respect will be restored he will be taking sides because his brain is under his mother's armpit. The man is the one who knows the mother better than the wife so he should not allow such questions to arise by not even leaving room for it




on a lighter note you have been scarce o.you go just pass me waka on nl you cannot say hi. This pride is too mush o

lol@ end time girls.


See, my sister, wisdom is profitable in all things. No matter how the mother tries to familiarise herself in the house, some messages are better conveyed silently than silly questions such as this. Even in a situation when the mother seems to iverstep her boundary, let the wife leave the talking for the man. On no occassion should any woman ask such question, because it's childish. No man, i repeat, no man can denounce his mother for his wife, except the man is no longer sane.


On the second issue, if the man is not mature, let the wife show it that he is more matured than him by not asking such silly question. A mummy's boy's reaction to such question will even be the worst. Let the wife deal with both the man and his mother maturely and with wisdom, and if she can't cope, she is free to take a walk.


Sambarry my sister........i'm truly scarce, and for not asking after you is nt igberaga o, who born me, who be me....it's just that, we've not being meeting on threads because of my scarcity, and you know, out of sight is usually out of mind. I'm sorry ma...... Oya take........muah....muah.

TooNoisy:
May you live long ma.

The question itself is a very foolish question. Even if the man will choose the wife, he will never tell her. When he married the wife, it was in the presence and with the support of his mother, so he cannot denounce his mother to win the wife. Any sane man wants his wife and his mother at the same time and would never denounce one for the other.

We all know our parents sometimes can be troublesome just like anyone else, but that does not mean your husband has to throw his mother away even if the mother has offended the wife (depending on the offense). There are more mature ways of solving any problem without asking the husband to choose.

So I agree with you ma, that it is a nonsensical question that should never be answered.

thanks and God bless you too.


See in some exceptional cases, where the mother was highly irresponsible and all the man had was his wife before the mother comes to beg his son for forgiveness. The man may prefer the wife to his mother, but i still maintain that the question should not be asked by the woman. And also, if the man's action confirms that the man prefer his wife t his mother, the wife should be careful not to be carried away with the euphoria, because, table can turn around o.
It is well.

Let's just look at the reality. If your mother were treated the same way by your brother's wife, will you be happy? If you brother's wife keeps telling your brother to choose between her and your mother, will you say advice him to choose his wife? Such a foolish question I must say.

The husband's mother also has daughters who are also married. How come mama is only bad in her son's house but wonderful in her daughter's house? Is it not the same woman? Her own married daughters would always welcome her in their house but her daughters-in-law don't want to see her.

All I can say is treat your mother in law the way you will treat your mother.

I'm not supporting the question but every party needs to respect his or her own boundaries. Mil needs to respect her boundary, dil needs to respect her boundary because most human frictions arise when people don't respect their boundaries. When you respect yourself and contain issues with the man taking charge of his home. All this unnecessary wars won't arise


So anyway I understand. No worries. *Hugs*. Have a beautiful Sunday

greatgod2012:



lol@ end time girls.


See, my sister, wisdom is profitable in all things. No matter how the mother tries to familiarise herself in the house, some messages are better conveyed silently than silly questions such as this. Even in a situation when the mother seems to iverstep her boundary, let the wife leave the talking for the man. On no occassion should any woman ask such question, because it's childish. No man, i repeat, no man can denounce his mother for his wife, except the man is no longer sane.


On the second issue, if the man is not mature, let the wife show it that he is more matured than him by not asking such silly question. A mummy's boy's reaction to such question will even be the worst. Let the wife deal with both the man and his mother maturely and with wisdom, and if she can't cope, she is free to take a walk.


Sambarry my sister........i'm truly scarce, and for not asking after you is nt igberaga o, who born me, who be me....it's just that, we've not being meeting on threads because of my scarcity, and you know, out of sight is usually out of mind. I'm sorry ma...... Oya take........muah....muah.

TooNoisy:
Let's just look at the reality. If your mother were treated the same way by your brother's wife, will you be happy? If you brother's wife keeps telling your brother to choose between her and your mother, will you say advice him to choose his wife? Such a foolish question I must say.

The husband's mother also has daughters who are also married. How come mama is only bad in her son's house but wonderful in her daughter's house? Is it not the same woman? Her own married daughters would always welcome her in their house but her daughters-in-law don't want to see her.

All I can say is treat your mother in law the way you will treat your mother.

God bless you for this. Amen.

menix:
@ OP...

May ur dayz b long..
U re a real woman, confirm african woman no b shere shere...


waiting for our end time gals comment too...

thanks.
I'm proud to be an African woman.

Lol @ end time girls.

I find it difficult to believe any woman with a little bit of education and some cognition in this time would bargain with such lines still-a line that is sure to fail over and over .I'm only familiar with the lines from my day of Nollywooding.



The place of a mother and wife in a man's life are different. There isn't and should never be a need for competition or comparisons. It is the most basic thing any woman about to be married should know.

Lmao. . . I'm sorry I just have to say this, but I have always wondered why a good number of women believe that because they're having sex with you, they should automatically become more important than your mother when it comes down to picking a side.

It's suicide mission putting a man on that spot - the only way I'll choose any woman over my mother is if I've always had a bad relationship with my mom or I just want to make this woman momentarily happy to avoid more talk.

As a matter of fact, I don't even expect a woman with a really good heart to be happy and comfortable that her man always chooses her over his own mother.

SAMBARRY:
I'm not supporting the question but every party needs to respect his or her own boundaries. Mil needs to respect her boundary, dil needs to respect her boundary because most human frictions arise when people don't respect their boundaries. When you respect yourself and contain issues with the man taking charge of his home. All this unnecessary wars won't arise

You never disappoint me with your comments, always linear and one-directional

You keep talking of boundaries forgetting that a woman is not the only one with a MIL in a marriage, her husband also has a MIL who in turn is her own mother. . .and I'm guessing you won't like a man talking boundaries about his wife's mother like she was some kind of stranger or something.

You should also ask yourself why you don't get to see/hear more husbands having issues with their MILs as much as wives having such with theirs.
What do you presume the difference to be?

Some mother in laws are just trouble some,and soo bitter I don't know why . my ex mother bath me with hot soup b/c there is no salt in her soup,even flog me .

greatgod2012:
Good day my fellow forumites. It's been a while opening thread on this forum. Happy sunday to us all.


This thread was borne out of a quarrel between a couple i tried to settle two days ago.
A colleague of mine approached me for advice on what is happening in her marriage, and at the end of narrating her ordeal, i pointed her fault to her as being the architech of her problems. I deduced that the bone of contention is that each time there is disagreement, he would ask her husband to choose between her and and his mother, and as it is expected, the man would choose his mother, and yawa go gas!

Please, my fellow women and wives (though some men are guilty of this too, but it's more rampant with women), let's stop this nonsense, let's stop asking silly questions, if there is an issue between you and your spouse, communicate with maturity, without raising voice, without setiments and without blackmail and most importantly, without silly questions such as, "then, you will have to choose between me and your mother" it's childish, silly, disrespectful and out of security and envy.
Let me tell us, no sane man will choose his wife over his mother, because the wife was not there when his mother conceived him, gave birth to him, breasfed him, trained him, have so many sleepless nighs because of him, sent him to school to become who he is now for you to see, admire and marry. No wife was there when the mother was washing the man's dirty clothes, even using bare hands to wash faeces with which he soiled himself, when the mother spent days in hospital when sick to make sure the man is in good health and shape. No wife was there when the mother wakes in the middle of the night to talk and advise his son on ways of life, on how to be a good child to her parents, a good person in the society, a good employee to his employer, a good employer to his employees, a good father to his children and a good husband to his wife. Now, it's the mother that the wife is now waging war against. Nooooo wayyyyyy.
Honestly, i don't know reason why there is usually rancour between DILs and MILs, if for anything, these old women deserves our respect, appreciation and to be made happy, at least for making these our husbands marriageable, abi, if they were not born, can we get married to them.

So, my fellow women, if you don't want to sadden yourself, stop asking your men to choose between you and his mother, because he would definately choose his mother. And for those who usually say, "then let him take his mother to bed", abeg, everything is not only about bed in marriage. For those who will say, "then let his mother prepare him food, remember, he has been eating his mother's food before meeting and marrying you. For those who will say, "then, let his mother bare him children", remember, the children are not only his, they're yours as well.

Let all DILs remember that they are also potential MILs and that whatever they sow as a DIL, they will reap them when they also become MIL.
Let us cultivate the habit of loving our MILs, appreciate them and stop unnecessary rivalry with them. Many of them are becoming old already, so, we need to remember that old age usually make someone to be eccentric. So, let' treat them as if they are our mother, which i believe they are. Atleast, someone who is old enough to be our spouse' mother is also fit to be our mother.
As for me, i have the most wonderful MIL in the whole world. I cherish her, adore her, love her greatly and i get the best of her, even my husband and his siblings do jealous of me.

Anytime there's a cause for all of us, me, hubby and mama, to be in a car, i open the front door for mama myself to sit, this singular act, i have been criticised of so many times, but, is it not for just one or few days, and i see that she usually love it each time i do that. She rains blessings on me as if there is no other day. I pamper her(but truth be said, she pampers me more).
See, my fellow women, this is a secret, if you want the best from your man, love his mother and you will never regret doing so.
God bless us all.
For those who will condemn this, i think i'm no longer a novice in marriage. This is my 10th year of marriage, and it's just like yesterday, we're just starting anyway, and everyday of our marriage has always been better than the previous day.

This also goes to the men who usually asks their wives to choose between them and their mothers.

P. S
DIL....daughter-in-law.
MIL....mother-in-law.

God bless us all.

chisom101:
Some mother in laws are just trouble some,and soo bitter I don't know why . my ex mother bath me with hot soup b/c there is no salt in her soup,even flog me .

Sorry oo

SAMBARRY:
You can bet the end time girls are on their way




ahen back to you madam great god if mother inlaws respect themselves and plant their a55es where they were married the issue of mil versus dil issues won't arise. You remember the yoruba proverb that says ati okere lore ti ma niyin.not only friends too but family learning like mils. If mils just see their dil from a distance and respecting boundaries mil vs dil won't arise. Ok take for instance if I come to your house without informing you first that I will come. You can let it go the first and second time but if it's recurring disrespect will start to creep in because built up resentment will start and like 7up locked up and vigorously shaken after some time will explode and all hell will be let loose



another issue is omo mummy. Has the body of an adult but the brain of an 8year old. My mummy said we should do this, my mummy said we should go here. Cannot put his home in order and set boundaries. Instead of trying to settle the issue in such a way sanity and mutual respect will be restored he will be taking sides because his brain is under his mother's armpit. The man is the one who knows the mother better than the wife so he should not allow such questions to arise by not even leaving room for it

we all know you dont have a mil,so whatever you say is allowed,when you have one come back and modify your post


@topic blood is thinker than water

lilmax:
we all know you dont have a mil,so whatever you say is allowed,when you have one come back and modify your post

the last time I checked your name wasn't greatgod so take your lousiness to another place.



Next

I have spoken




EOD!
NEXT

crackhaus:

You never disappoint me with your comments, always linear and one-directional

You keep talking of boundaries forgetting that a woman is not the only one with a MIL in a marriage, her husband also has a MIL who in turn is her own mother. . .and I'm guessing you won't like a man talking boundaries about his wife's mother like she was some kind of stranger or something.

You should also ask yourself why you don't get to see/hear more husbands having issues with their MILs as much as wives having such with theirs.
What do you presume the difference to be?

SAMBARRY:
the last time I checked your name wasn't greatgod so take your lousiness to another place.



Next

am i wrong? just take that hate you have for mils and men and your life will be better,cus we all know what you‘ve been through about men

crackhaus:
Lmao. . . I'm sorry I just have to say this, but I have always wondered why a good number of women believe that because they're having sex with you, they should automatically become more important than your mother when it comes down to picking a side.

It's suicide mission putting a man on that spot - the only way I'll choose any woman over my mother is if I've always had a bad relationship with my mom or I just want to make this woman momentarily happy to avoid more talk.

As a matter of fact, I don't even expect a woman with a really good heart to be happy and comfortable that her man always chooses her over his own mother.

What about the part of the marriage vows, "forsaking all others", meaning you put your spouse above anyone else, including family members when it comes to supporting them.

chisom101:
Some mother in laws are just trouble some,and soo bitter I don't know why . my ex mother bath me with hot soup b/c there is no salt in her soup,even flog me .

.. .....were you brought into the house as a wife or slave?


You gat be kidding shaaa

Khabuqi:


What about the part of the marriage vows, "forsaking all others", meaning you put your spouse above anyone else, including family members when it comes to supporting them.

Is that even realistic?
"Forsaking all others" and putting your spouse above everyone else?
Including the children?

Khabuqi:


What about the part of the marriage vows, "forsaking all others", meaning you put your spouse above anyone else, including family members when it comes to supporting them.

Forsaking all others mean you should not cheat on your spouse. It does not mean you should throw your family away.

Let me tell us, no sane man will choose his wife over his mother, because the wife was not there when his mother conceived him, gave birth to him, breasfed him, trained him, have so many sleepless nighs because of him, sent him to school to become who he is now for you to see, admire and marry. No wife was there when the mother was washing the man's dirty clothes, even using bare hands to wash faeces with which he soiled himself, when the mother spent days in hospital when sick to make sure the man is in good health and shape. No wife was there when the mother wakes in the middle of the night to talk and advise his son on ways of life, on how to be a good child to her parents, a good person in the society, a good employee to his employer, a good employer to his employees, a good father to his children and a good husband to his wife. Now, it's the mother that the wife is now waging war against. Nooooo wayyyyyy.
Honestly, i don't know reason why there is usually rancour between DILs and MILs, if for anything, these old women deserves our respect, appreciation and to be made happy, at least for making these our husbands marriageable, abi, if they were not born, can we get married to them.

I doubt if any woman speaks those words lightly
It is normally spoken out of frustration when a man has turned a blind eye while his mother encroached into a territory that belongs to the wife.Human are territorial beings.
What many men don't understand is that the wife and the mother are two people that love him and he must actively keep their roles separate.
Go to my marital advise thread,I wrote of my first experiences with my MIL in those early years .
I had a time I had to ask my own husband to choose between his mom and I because despite his best efforts I found myself on one side fighting mother and son for no fault if mine.
You have a great MIL so you don't get it,some don't and some didn't start off the way yours did
Some had to " kill their MIL with love" to get goodness out of them
Some had to bite their tongues to a whole of stuff to maintain a workable relationship

The mothers role is totally separate from the wife's and it is up to the husband to make that distinction clear if his mother doesn't understand that and help not to stretch his wife to her limits.I have already written that most MIL do this out of the love for their sons and wanting the best for him but hurt the DIL and sometimes deliberately in that process.
It is Ok to make blanket statements of dos and donts but unless you have been faced with a situation yourself,you have no clue what the other person has been through.

Khabuqi:


What about the part of the marriage vows, "forsaking all others", meaning you put your spouse above anyone else, including family members when it comes to supporting them.

The bible says a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife
When a many has allowed his mother to cleave ,and the wife is finding a space,katakata will burst

So, my fellow women, if you don't want to sadden yourself, stop asking your men to choose between you and his mother, because he would definately choose his mother. And for those who usually say, "then let him take his mother to bed", abeg, everything is not only about bed in marriage. For those who will say, "then let his mother prepare him food, remember, he has been eating his mother's food before meeting and marrying you. For those who will say, "then, let his mother bare him children", remember, the children are not only his, they're yours as well.

Let all DILs remember that they are also potential MILs and that whatever they sow as a DIL, they will reap them when they also become MIL.
Let us cultivate the habit of loving our MILs, appreciate them and stop unnecessary rivalry with them. Many of them are becoming old already, so, we need to remember that old age usually make someone to be eccentric. So, let' treat them as if they are our mother, which i believe they are. Atleast, someone who is old enough to be our spouse' mother is also fit to be our mother.
As for me, i have the most wonderful MIL in the whole world. I cherish her, adore her, love her greatly and i get the best of her, even my husband and his siblings do jealous of me.

You say all this with the premise that DILs come into a family with MILs welcoming them with open arms all of the time
That is not the case
Many wives come into a family and some MIls and SILs are bent on finding faults in her
Any continued rancor between DIL and MIL I would blame on the husband for not being wise in handling things
He is the only person that can squash it
There are some nasty MILs out there,truth be told
I didn't start off on a good footing with mine but I made it work with the support of my husband
The husband holds the aces in this relationship

By the way happy Mother's Day to my dear MIL
I love you and look forward to seeing you again

greatgod2012:
Good day my fellow forumites. It's been a while opening thread on this forum. Happy sunday to us all.


This thread was borne out of a quarrel between a couple i tried to settle two days ago.
A colleague of mine approached me for advice on what is happening in her marriage, and at the end of narrating her ordeal, i pointed her fault to her as being the architech of her problems. I deduced that the bone of contention is that each time there is disagreement, he would ask her husband to choose between her and and his mother, and as it is expected, the man would choose his mother, and yawa go gas!



God bless us all.

Sorry nne but I fault your counseling style greatly,no offense
You may want to focus more on why she asked him to choose rather that act of asking him to choose
It seems to me that you left the real meat to pursue the after effect.
A frog doesn't run in daylight for nothing
If the same situation keeps presenting itself and she wants to go by your counsel,she will simply not say those words anymore but the root cause will remain unchanged.

crackhaus:

Is that even realistic?
"Forsaking all others" and putting your spouse above everyone else?
Including the children?

TooNoisy:

Forsaking all others mean you should not cheat on your spouse. It does not mean you should throw your family away.

When husband and wife become one then the wife become his first priority then his children then family.

babyosisi:


The bible says a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife
When a many has allowed his mother to cleave ,and the wife is finding a space,katakata will burst

Exactly.

@babyosisi: I couldn't agree more. I felt the op denied us of some very important info, like what led to the ultimatum.

I do not support ultimatums because they are manipulative and downright narcissistic in my opinion, but in most cases, the person giving the ultimatum does so out of frustration.