₦airaland Forum

bukatyne:
So NOT true.

Nothing wrong with joint spending (to me that 's the ideal) BUT the idea that many Nigerian husbands are primary bread winners is a fallacy spinned on Nairaland

enoqueen:
One of the many mistakes we women make is allowing our men know that we av money.

U did not do anything wrong and let it remain so even after paying ur fees.

When men sees money with us, they will be coming up with different project that they cannot do alone just to make sure that we spend what we av.

TV01:
Hello Bukatyne, How far? Agreed on "joint spending", noting that does not necessarily denote equal.

But I'm still going to have to challenge you on this one . Can you show any reputable source that confirms "many" husbands are not the primary bread winners in Nigerian families? Let alone in "most" homes husbands are the primary bread winners in Nigeria?

What you've boldly termed a "NL bourne fallacy" is the real life situation of many in Nigeria. I doubt you'll even find anything to the contrary.
https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/67332/Gender-Nigeria2012-summary.pdf

Although things are changing, and the "male as sole/primary breadwinner" model is diminishing, even in the West, men are still overwhelmingly the main breadwinners.

Even if you count households where women are the only provider i.e. single-parent homes, there are still more homes where men are the main provider - http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/30/business/economy/women-as-family-breadwinner-on-the-rise-study-says.html?_r=0

You can do better than these lazy assertions


TV

bukatyne:
Hi, How are you and family?

bukatyne:
It is a fact that most of Nigerian husbands with earning wives are NOT primary providers.

bukatyne:
There is a difference between primary provider and sole provider so single mothers is outside the scope of this discussion.

bukatyne:
IMHO only a single mother who does not get any form of child/spousal support can claim to be a sole breadwinner.

obichiekweibe59:
Madam,you are a rare breed.My advise to you is to keep your mind open to him persuasively.Opening a secret account will surely lead to chain of events that may destroy your marriage.You said your husband appreciates,thats very important.Marriage is a life of commitment.By the time you do this to do a masters and the joy and peace you enjoy now disappears,the masters degree and its salary will only compound your sorrow.I was once like your husband.My wife never changed.I got to listen and work with her after 15years.Now we are as happy as ever because we stayed together till now that the children are taking care of us.Am still working,she is too, yet we are being showered with care by our children.Marriage is a life long journey,greater than carrier,business,and emotions.Dont acaept any idea that will make your husband see you as different from what you used to be.By the time you are trying to rectify things,a lot of damage would have been done.Be wise.No ammount of carrer succes or financial success can compensate for the failure of the home.Ask those who failed at home and they will tell you.Your husband will come around.Continue to present the money as you usually do and continue to put pressure on him to save, through the bedroom,food,affection.All will be well and you will do your masters in peace and still have a happy home.

obichiekweibe59:
Madam,you are a rare breed.My advise to you is to keep your mind open to him persuasively.Opening a secret account will surely lead to chain of events that may destroy your marriage.You said your husband appreciates,thats very important.Marriage is a life of commitment.By the time you do this to do a masters and the joy and peace you enjoy now disappears,the masters degree and its salary will only compound your sorrow.I was once like your husband.My wife never changed.I got to listen and work with her after 15years.Now we are as happy as ever because we stayed together till now that the children are taking care of us.Am still working,she is too, yet we are being showered with care by our children.Marriage is a life long journey,greater than carrier,business,and emotions.Dont acaept any idea that will make your husband see you as different from what you used to be.By the time you are trying to rectify things,a lot of damage would have been done.Be wise.No ammount of carrer succes or financial success can compensate for the failure of the home.Ask those who failed at home and they will tell you.Your husband will come around.Continue to present the money as you usually do and continue to put pressure on him to save, through the bedroom,food,affection.All will be well and you will do your masters in peace and still have a happy home.

FavorofGod:
My hubby and I have had no financial secrets since marriage. He uses my atm regularly and it's almost as though we operated a joint account. This has worked for us until recently.

Now the issue is this: I'm saving for my masters school fees(distance learning) which invoves thousands of pounds. I had to defer it last year due to financial constraints. So from the beginning of this year, I had already started making plans to pay. Hubby promised to assist but each time he puts away some money, something always comes up to make him use it up.

I wouldn't have minded much if it was just that, but he turns around to deplete my own savings, promising to pay when he has money. I know he has no other means of income and cannot fulfill that promise.As it stands now, I've not been able to save a dime, and my fees is due in 2 months.
So I told him he is on his own as far as this month and next month's salary is concerned, cos I'm saving every bit of it. Some money being owed me at my place of work for months now was finally paid me yesterday. I didn't want to tell him at first, but later did this morning.

He said he was disappointed, that I've started keeping secrets from him. That he only spent my money because he was broke and not out of carelessness. I told him there was a cause.

He spends money as he sees it, and does not believe in saving for the rainy day. He is not frivolous, but will start projects he had earlier shelved due to lack of money as soon as he sees money. For e.g, He has been talking about hosting a big time baby dedication, and the whole family travelling to the village next month for holiday, which are all capital intensive projects, when he knows he cannot fund it with his salary alone.

I think he wants me to allow him use my savings, then hope for a miracle to pay my fees. I know he's not commited to my academic pursuits, though he claims to. He once used up money I had saved for a proffessional exam, promising to pay b4 the closing date, only to tell me to forgett about an exam I had fully prepared for a day to the closing date because he couldn't raise the money. I had to run around to borrow and pay that same day.

So, ladies and gents, am I wrong to have barred him from touchingmy money for thisperiod or not? Should I stop telling him how much I have exactly? Share your thoughts.

Dyt:
Trust me
Almost all married women experience this
Some wise up after learning something's about their wayward husbands
Some even continue in foolishness

Only few men
I mean countable men appreciates these efforts and you can't even know, they live happily without spending lavishly

Madam trust me, you can't do nothing to stop it cos each time you do, hr sees you as a bad wife and you start having issues, yes don't lie to him, open up to him
Tell him you have money and saving for raining days, he will spend his money anyhow cos he knows his wife has money, yes she can always get, Gos forbid if you lose your source of income, my dear that's when you will know this man has no plans for you.

Women with good heart finds it very difficult to overlook Hubby's sadness even if its feign
He knows you already
He will blackmail you to do his wants

Trust me woman
You can't do nothing about
You can only try
You can only say
But you will never
You will give him access to it soon
I know

So in all
I don't know what to advice cos I know you will still give

columbus007:
I'am sure you are still single @42,how can you be that loose,even the 0P couldn't even use such sarcastic comment like wayward you just mention,and your advice is even dirty by way of generalizing with all husbands,common get d fu.k before I slap you hia

enoqueen:
One of the many mistakes we women make is allowing our men know that we av money.

U did not do anything wrong and let it remain so even after paying ur fees.

When men sees money with us, they will be coming up with different project that they cannot do alone just to make sure that we spend what we av.

Joavid:
Next time, ready slowly. Read to understand.

Obviously, she helps. She has no issue with him spending her money(which also means she has no issue using her money for household bills.
She's trying to save for her masters.

This is the time for her hubby to be prudent.

FavorofGod:
My hubby and I have had no financial secrets since marriage. He uses my atm regularly and it's almost as though we operated a joint account. This has worked for us until recently.

Now the issue is this: I'm saving for my masters school fees(distance learning) which invoves thousands of pounds. I had to defer it last year due to financial constraints. So from the beginning of this year, I had already started making plans to pay. Hubby promised to assist but each time he puts away some money, something always comes up to make him use it up.

I wouldn't have minded much if it was just that, but he turns around to deplete my own savings, promising to pay when he has money. I know he has no other means of income and cannot fulfill that promise.As it stands now, I've not been able to save a dime, and my fees is due in 2 months.
So I told him he is on his own as far as this month and next month's salary is concerned, cos I'm saving every bit of it. Some money being owed me at my place of work for months now was finally paid me yesterday. I didn't want to tell him at first, but later did this morning.

He said he was disappointed, that I've started keeping secrets from him. That he only spent my money because he was broke and not out of carelessness. I told him there was a cause.

He spends money as he sees it, and does not believe in saving for the rainy day. He is not frivolous, but will start projects he had earlier shelved due to lack of money as soon as he sees money. For e.g, He has been talking about hosting a big time baby dedication, and the whole family travelling to the village next month for holiday, which are all capital intensive projects, when he knows he cannot fund it with his salary alone.

I think he wants me to allow him use my savings, then hope for a miracle to pay my fees. I know he's not commited to my academic pursuits, though he claims to. He once used up money I had saved for a proffessional exam, promising to pay b4 the closing date, only to tell me to forgett about an exam I had fully prepared for a day to the closing date because he couldn't raise the money. I had to run around to borrow and pay that same day.

So, ladies and gents, am I wrong to have barred him from touchingmy money for thisperiod or not? Should I stop telling him how much I have exactly? Share your thoughts.

enoqueen:
One of the many mistakes we women make is allowing our men know that we av money.

U did not do anything wrong and let it remain so even after paying ur fees.

When men sees money with us, they will be coming up with different project that they cannot do alone just to make sure that we spend what we av.

FavorofGod:
Thanks for all ur contributions. I think I'd just open a savings account without his knowledge and do a monthly standing order. But he knows my monthly pay and would know if I started saving, so I intend to wait till I get promoted later this year and then save part of the differential in salary. But as for this month and next month salary, my stand remains the same, until I pay my school fees.

peedeeasobie:
MenAintWorthIt is your personal and biased opinion- the fact that you have had terrible experiences with few men doesn't make ur assertions true!

Perhaps you should ask urself why you keep meeting men who aint worth it! You will only attract your kind!

because of my terrible past experiences with ladies, I should have concluded women aint worth it, but I refused to make such fallacy of generalization! I knew there were still honorable women out there and I have seen lots of then!

freeage7:
U won put asunder abi? Baddest adviser. All the same na wetin she won hear u kuku tell her.

Toks2008:
NEWS FLASH: I have been technically married for 11years and officially for 5 years until 3years ago and why the split? 70%FINANCE so you sit your ass down no matter how old you are and be objective enough to learn from people and even the unmarried because we can learn one or two things from anyone.

A MAN DOES NOT OFFICIALLY SHARE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY WITH HIS WIFE

It is unmanly and shameful. Even if your wife suggests it be quick to let her realize that you appreciate but should rather save up the money while you try your best to still provide for her and the children if any.

Now get this clearly, a man can lose his job or suddenly finds himself broke and there is nothing wrong in a lady helping her man out in this ituation nevertheless its not by asking her for 2k today and 5k tomorrow. If she is a very low income earner or money monger then GOD help you.

The subject matter is about a man practically going into sitting agreement with his wife to share financial responsibilities.IT IS TOTALLY ABSURD.

If i make 100k monthly and my wife makes 400k,i will plan my family with 100k and if she decides to bring in any other stufs i will appreciate but rather advice that she saves up that money.

I agree to financial transparency as in knowing how much she makes and i will never abuse that privilege. While i was still with my ex, i set her up in business,and she was making some money yet I STILL GIVE HER WEEKLY ALLOWANCE not minding and i make that a top priority even when there are times i had good reasons not to give her due to financial constraints.

Look if you are a man reading this, NO WOMAN RESPECTS A MAN WHO ASKS A WOMAN FOR PETTY CASH OR DEPENDS ON HER FOR FINANCIAL SUCCOR.

The best you can do is sit down and think of the least thing you can start that will bring in the required minimum to take care of your family and find a way with her to generate such EVEN IF IT MEANS HER HELPING YOU OUT then go ahead and invest,start making the money with GOD's help and be the man you are meant to be.

manie:
If you earn 100k, I will advice you plan with 80k because some funds ought to be earmarked for savings and investment.

What works for you family, will definitely not work for another. My wife works and also gets some millions of Naira as rental income from the properties left by her parents in Lagos. I do not ask my wife for money, I don't even know what she earns but we have a formula for sharing financial responsibilities in the house.

We have a joint account which we both transfer money into every month. The money in the account is to pay bills, school fees, investment for the family and educational endowment.

Apart from the joint account, we both have our personal accounts which we spend as we please.

I have 2 completed houses in my name, my wife has 2 houses in her name, 2 other houses were inherited by my wife and her 2 siblings, we also have another house in my name and my wife's name.

Whenever my wife gets lump sum from rents and dividends, she comes to me for investment advice. I do not see the success of my wife as a threat to me, as a matter of fact my wife built her house before I built mine.

ivyT:
If I catch u ehn....chaiii

jaybee3:
First and foremost, you aren’t the only one with years of marriage experience so get that straight. Second of all, I would like to know the reason why your marriage didn’t work since you’ve claimed on this board weeks back that it had nothing to do with infidelity. Perhaps it had something to do with your egocentric nature?

You can’t go into a marriage with a superman mind-set and expect it to work.
Obviously, It’s safe to assume you had be the type that will demand she does all the manual jobs in the house because you’ve made yourself the sole breadwinner.
Obviously, it will be difficult for her to have an opinion when it comes to finances and/or decisions on major projects because it’s your money which you have singly earned with outright right to spend as you wish




It’s simply idiotic and outright stupid for you to consider a position with just one possible outcome. So you will basically continue working 24/7 just to prove you are the man even if it’s clear your wife can support the family where possible?



This is just plain ridiculous to be honest with you. How can you establish a mind-set that you will always provide then suddenly expect her to support you when you can’t ?
Why sell a lifestyle that you know won’t/can’t be sustainable since you’ve rightly agreed that there is the possibility of you being incapable of fulfilling your responsibility

You are simply a perfect example of those men that will cry foul that their woman ain’t supportive even though you’ve done this that for them. Why would they I ask if all you had be trying to do is introducing a new phenom into an already established agreement




How is it absurd if the contribution is entirely going towards the household?



How stupid of you, so you had deliberately restrict your family from life of luxury just so you can massage your ego?
You had basically send your kids to public school even when it’s clear that investment in good quality education almost certainly yield desired results in the long run



I’m interested in why it didn’t work despite being a superman



Good righteous women won’t see it as such since they had be seeing whatever contribution they make as their shared responsibility for the success of their marriage

Dyt:
Where are all these imbeciles coming from
Ehn
Take a few mins of your life to read again
Ode

manie:
Nigerian men and their ancient mindset, once a lady earns money she needs to be involved according to her ability in the financial responsibility of the home.

I hope you heard the case of a woman in Lagos whose husband was 100% responsible for the house expenses even-though the wife was making her own money as a trader. The man thought he was a superman and always resisted any assistance from his wife.

When the man could not cope with the rent at Festac where the family stayed, they had to move down to Ketu. They lived in Ketu for 6 years before he got to know through the estate agent, that his wife owned the house. Imagine paying 6 years rent to your wife, the man moved out of the house and filed for a divorce. The wife said she built the house to secure the future of her children.

obiak4:
and you are married i knee down and pray may oluwa God chineke never give me a wife that thinks like you
bae you are too selfish learn to give unconditionally

manie:
If you earn 100k, I will advice you plan with 80k because some funds ought to be earmarked for savings and investment.

What works for you family, will definitely not work for another. My wife works and also gets some millions of Naira as rental income from the properties left by her parents in Lagos. I do not ask my wife for money, I don't even know what she earns but we have a formula for sharing financial responsibilities in the house.

We have a joint account which we both transfer money into every month. The money in the account is to pay bills, school fees, investment for the family and educational endowment.

Apart from the joint account, we both have our personal accounts which we spend as we please.

I have 2 completed houses in my name, my wife has 2 houses in her name, 2 other houses were inherited by my wife and her 2 siblings, we also have another house in my name and my wife's name.

Whenever my wife gets lump sum from rents and dividends, she comes to me for investment advice. I do not see the success of my wife as a threat to me, as a matter of fact my wife built her house before I built mine.

manie:
If you earn 100k, I will advice you plan with 80k because some funds ought to be earmarked for savings and investment.

What works for you family, will definitely not work for another. My wife works and also gets some millions of Naira as rental income from the properties left by her parents in Lagos. I do not ask my wife for money, I don't even know what she earns but we have a formula for sharing financial responsibilities in the house.

We have a joint account which we both transfer money into every month. The money in the account is to pay bills, school fees, investment for the family and educational endowment.

Apart from the joint account, we both have our personal accounts which we spend as we please.

I have 2 completed houses in my name, my wife has 2 houses in her name, 2 other houses were inherited by my wife and her 2 siblings, we also have another house in my name and my wife's name.

Whenever my wife gets lump sum from rents and dividends, she comes to me for investment advice. I do not see the success of my wife as a threat to me, as a matter of fact my wife built her house before I built mine.

omonnakoda:
Interesting BIOGRAPHY though I am uncertain about its relevance to the subject