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I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? - Family - Nairaland

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I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by FavorofGod: 2:37pm On Jul 17, 2015
My hubby and I have had no financial secrets since marriage. He uses my atm regularly and it's almost as though we operated a joint account. This has worked for us until recently.

Now the issue is this: I'm saving for my masters school fees(distance learning) which invoves thousands of pounds. I had to defer it last year due to financial constraints. So from the beginning of this year, I had already started making plans to pay. Hubby promised to assist but each time he puts away some money, something always comes up to make him use it up.

I wouldn't have minded much if it was just that, but he turns around to deplete my own savings, promising to pay when he has money. I know he has no other means of income and cannot fulfill that promise.As it stands now, I've not been able to save a dime, and my fees is due in 2 months.
So I told him he is on his own as far as this month and next month's salary is concerned, cos I'm saving every bit of it. Some money being owed me at my place of work for months now was finally paid me yesterday. I didn't want to tell him at first, but later did this morning.

He said he was disappointed, that I've started keeping secrets from him. That he only spent my money because he was broke and not out of carelessness. I told him there was a cause.

He spends money as he sees it, and does not believe in saving for the rainy day. He is not frivolous, but will start projects he had earlier shelved due to lack of money as soon as he sees money. For e.g, He has been talking about hosting a big time baby dedication, and the whole family travelling to the village next month for holiday, which are all capital intensive projects, when he knows he cannot fund it with his salary alone.

I think he wants me to allow him use my savings, then hope for a miracle to pay my fees. I know he's not commited to my academic pursuits, though he claims to. He once used up money I had saved for a proffessional exam, promising to pay b4 the closing date, only to tell me to forgett about an exam I had fully prepared for a day to the closing date because he couldn't raise the money. I had to run around to borrow and pay that same day.

So, ladies and gents, am I wrong to have barred him from touchingmy money for thisperiod or not? Should I stop telling him how much I have exactly? Share your thoughts.

56 Likes 3 Shares

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by ivyT(f): 12:03am On Jul 18, 2015
U did d right thing nd stand ur ground.Finances causes alot of problem_iv witnessed it

am nt been bias_but MenAintWorthIt,

98 Likes 6 Shares

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by enoqueen: 12:16am On Jul 18, 2015
One of the many mistakes we women make is allowing our men know that we av money.

U did not do anything wrong and let it remain so even after paying ur fees.

When men sees money with us, they will be coming up with different project that they cannot do alone just to make sure that we spend what we av.

80 Likes 3 Shares

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by Nobody: 12:18am On Jul 18, 2015
U did nothing wrong ma'am....
U seem to be the more economical of the two of you

If he was really concerned about your academic pursuits, he should see that expenses on "trip to the village" and so on are of less priority than professional exams, unless its urgent ( like...urgent urgent)..

If you feel you can make him understand the importance of your savings and academics......then you don't need to hide anything from him..

But if you feel he wouldn't understand and telling him would also cause argument, then probably..........tho I'm not married, so I can't advice you to lie to your husband......
Just take my advice lightly

22 Likes 1 Share

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by Nobody: 12:20am On Jul 18, 2015
Only a morally bankrupt man ( vise versa ) will derive joy in spending his woman's money without recourse to the woman's needs and her suffering in accumulating the money .

OP , believe you me , diplomacy work like magic in every aspect in relationship once it's applied holistically and judiciously . Diplomacy is the legal version of lie . Any money you won't wish to have your hubby or anyone at that to siphon from you better not to let the person to know that such money is in your possession . The law of economics which states that supply meets demand is still very potent .

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Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by bennyrazz: 12:30am On Jul 18, 2015
@op, keep on being the good wife that you are. Lay less emphasis on money. You are looking at the future which is highly commendable while your husband is looking at today. You are very ambitious and you are a type of woman most men out there would like to have has a wife. Why? you have conscience, you don't want to hurt your hubby, you are submissive, financially strict etc Don't keep secrets from him. But you should make him understand that rain does not fall everyday so you need to save water in your tanks for the sunny day. You and only you can do it..Sorry to say this, you are the man mentally while your husband is the woman mentally

145 Likes 12 Shares

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by DukeNija(m): 2:50am On Jul 18, 2015
Nice post bennyrazz
I think you shouldn't damage your marriage by going the hard way. Make sure you save enough for your masters before any form of negotiation.
Your husband seems reckless to me, it's his nature and not his fault. Many men are the opposite of him.
Anyway, the most important thing is for you to save enough money, whenever you have a project you need to finance. I know a woman who takes her husbands financial responsibility because she earns more. She handles major financial projects with joy and even humility. She takes charge and you won't know if you are not told. Family is a bigger achievement than master degree.
You are not the first and won't be the last so don't listen to those women up there telling you to do what's not in your nature.

34 Likes 4 Shares

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by idolda: 2:51am On Jul 18, 2015
Great! Keep the damn money away from him it's gonna benefit both of you in the long run let him know that.

8 Likes 1 Share

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by MARKone(m): 6:47am On Jul 18, 2015
judging by your write up, you are a good woman, but you've got to draw the line and be firm here. You can open another account, and save up for your exams, after wards, you can decide to close the account, and continue with the status quo.

32 Likes 2 Shares

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by TooNoisy(f): 6:59am On Jul 18, 2015
This is where some men lack leadership. Leadership at home is not necessarily about earning more, it's about being visionary. It's about trying to keep to your word and it's about showing commitment to the family.

Your husband is not disciplined with his finances and it's showing. You need to help him be more disciplined. But please don't keep secrets from him. Let's him know you have been paid but let him know that some of these things he's spending on are not too important. Or better still, keep some in a savings account you cannot touch and then you both can spend the rest. But let him know why you are saving the money. He may be angry at first but with time, you both will find something that works for you.

38 Likes 3 Shares

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by wisdomiskey(m): 7:20am On Jul 18, 2015
enoqueen:
One of the many mistakes we women make is allowing our men know that we av money.

U did not do anything wrong and let it remain so even after paying ur fees.

When men sees money with us, they will be coming up with different project that they cannot do alone just to make sure that we spend what we av.


nd d mistakes
men make iz 2
spend our hard earned
moni on yuh ungrateful
women.. onli
4 yuh to selfishly
guard urz wen d man
is in financial crisis

selfish tin lyk yuh angry

soon yuh will
hear these women chant
"your money is OUR money, my money is MY money"
greeedi wincheez

143 Likes 13 Shares

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by eyinjuege: 7:25am On Jul 18, 2015
Open another account without an atm or online facility and always transfer your savings there from your salary account. In fact, leave a standing order at your bank to always do so for you. In as much as your husband is laced with good intentions, he seems to lack the self control of not spending every money he sees. You are pretty much on your own, and just as some of our men have learnt to put down their foot on frivolous demands from their wives, learn to do so too.
In fact since you know his weaknesses already, stop telling him about any money that comes into your acct. Start having selective amnesia with money things. You simply forgot and thought you had mentioned it.
Contribute to the basic needs of the home like the meals, the kids needs but save alongside. God forbid any emergency but you will be left stranded and messed up if you have no savings. So see your measures as something necessary for the family's good.

17 Likes 1 Share

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by enoqueen: 7:54am On Jul 18, 2015
wisdomiskey:


nd d mistakes
men make iz 2
spend our hard earned
moni on yuh ungrateful
women.. onli
4 yuh to selfishly
guard urz wen d man
is in financial crisis

selfish tin lyk yuh angry

soon yuh will
hear these women chant
"your money is OUR money, my money is MY money"
greeedi wincheez

What is this ode saying undecided

Who be this one undecided

Cant u share ur view without quoting me shocked

26 Likes

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by Dyt(f): 7:55am On Jul 18, 2015
Trust me
Almost all married women experience this
Some wise up after learning something's about their wayward husbands
Some even continue in foolishness

Only few men
I mean countable men appreciates these efforts and you can't even know, they live happily without spending lavishly

Madam trust me, you can't do nothing to stop it cos each time you do, hr sees you as a bad wife and you start having issues, yes don't lie to him, open up to him
Tell him you have money and saving for raining days, he will spend his money anyhow cos he knows his wife has money, yes she can always get, Gos forbid if you lose your source of income, my dear that's when you will know this man has no plans for you.

Women with good heart finds it very difficult to overlook Hubby's sadness even if its feign
He knows you already
He will blackmail you to do his wants

Trust me woman
You can't do nothing about
You can only try
You can only say
But you will never
You will give him access to it soon
I know

So in all
I don't know what to advice cos I know you will still give

14 Likes 2 Shares

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by KanwuliaJara: 8:08am On Jul 18, 2015
Onoda wan don come o!
See hially 'SATADAY' gist? grin
Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by wisdomiskey(m): 8:10am On Jul 18, 2015
enoqueen:


What is this ode saying undecided

Who be this one undecided

Cant u share ur view without quoting me shocked


dont tlk 2 me
wit dat same
moufff yuh
used 2 svck
multiple slioooooongs
silli hag angry

48 Likes 1 Share

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by orbitalgis: 8:12am On Jul 18, 2015
You did good.
Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by McWhillion(m): 9:35am On Jul 18, 2015
ivyT:
U did d right thing nd stand ur ground.Finances causes alot of problem_iv witnessed it

am nt been bias_but MenAintWorthIt,
Yah women ain't worth it either

16 Likes

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by cococandy(f): 9:51am On Jul 18, 2015
If communication doesn't work, you could go the tough way by opening up another savings account that he does not have access to.
You don't have any reason to hide it from him, just tell him it's the savings account and it can't be touched for no reason except what the money is being saved for.

When you get your pay, what you want to save goes into that account and the rest into your mutually accessible account.
This is not because you want to keep him away from 'your money' (technically it belongs to both of y'all) but because you're a family and both of you need to have savings for rainy days.

That way, you get to not keep secrets from him but also develop a saving habit. If he sees how easy it is for you henceforth to do capital intensive projects without being cash strapped at the last minute, he might even join you in the saving habit.

7 Likes 2 Shares

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by Kimoni: 10:47am On Jul 18, 2015
My money is my money, his money is our money...

If he needs my money, strictly on my terms...

OP, if this is not ur mantra, it's difficult to start now else it will cause a lot of division in ur home. Like he already asked you "do you want to start keeping secrets from him?". I feel for you and wish I could advise you but it's a tough situation. You will have to apply wisdom and tread carefully.

I have never practised this joint spending for various reasons, one of which is that I married an impulsive spender too and I foresaw the potential challenges well ahead.

4 Likes

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by Richy4(m): 11:26am On Jul 18, 2015
Op. I will simply say your husband is really harmless when he spends your money. As you say, he was kinda broke that was why he was using it.

He has never used it without telling you. Some men use their wife's money without informing them. Do not make him think you are hiding stuffs from him.

But be firm and explain to him that you are saving for something that will benefit both of you that's why you are saving your money. Do not make it look like you guys can spend his money while yours is a no go area.

Your relationship is cool really. But do not keep any secret from him about anything

6 Likes

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by Amhappy(f): 11:48am On Jul 18, 2015
My sister i have no advice for you,i'm here to get some myself. This is something i also met in marriage and is yet to overcome. Mine will not ask directly his early morning whinning is enough for me to surrender the atm. Coupled with the fact that my salary is not regular,so most times he foot all the bills. So i feel very guilty to save when he wants it even for something unnecessary. We had no financial secrets since dating days,so that wont work either.

12 Likes

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by Aude(f): 2:37pm On Jul 18, 2015
@op : My question to you is, how do you guys share the household bills? I hope you are not one of those women who expect their husbands to foot all the bills, while they spend their money on themselves. I'm asking because I find it strange that your husband is always short of money and you are always bailing him out.

23 Likes 1 Share

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by cococandy(f): 2:43pm On Jul 18, 2015
Aude:
@op : My question to you is, how do you guys share the household bills? I hope you are not one of those women who expect their husbands to foot all the bills, while they spend their money on themselves. I'm asking because I find it strange that your husband is always short of money and you are always bailing him out.
good question

12 Likes

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by peedeeasobie(m): 3:31pm On Jul 18, 2015
ivyT:
U did d right thing nd stand ur ground.Finances causes alot of problem_iv witnessed it

am nt been bias_but MenAintWorthIt,



MenAintWorthIt is your personal and biased opinion- the fact that you have had terrible experiences with few men doesn't make ur assertions true!

Perhaps you should ask urself why you keep meeting men who aint worth it! You will only attract your kind!

because of my terrible past experiences with ladies, I should have concluded women aint worth it, but I refused to make such fallacy of generalization! I knew there were still honorable women out there and I have seen lots of then!

57 Likes 2 Shares

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by FavorofGod: 3:42pm On Jul 18, 2015
Aude:
@op : My question to you is, how do you guys share the household bills? I hope you are not one of those women who expect their husbands to foot all the bills, while they spend their money on themselves. I'm asking because I find it strange that your husband is always short of money and you are always bailing him out.
Truth is my husband took some loans which seriously depleted his take home pay. My takehome pay is more than his when you take into consideration the loans. But he also has allowances paid in bulk that make up for the deficit. He usually uses those allowances for one project or the other.
But when it comes to the day to day running of the home, including feeding, school fees for children, fuel,etc, I usually contribute more, mostly because his salary is not enough to foot all the bills.I also contribute something to rent and capital projects, though a lesser percentage.
He is paid earlier than me each month, so by the time I receive my salary, his own has already finished( he also sends money to his parents and relations). So I just give him my atm card ,and most times he withdraws when the need arises and I know when I receive the alert.
I hardly spend money frivolously,I hardly buy expensive clothes or jewelry except I really need it,and my husband praises me often for being prudent with money.
He does not spend frivolously too, but will use any money available to solve problems or carry out projects,even when they are not necessary. This leaves us cash-strapped most times. He makes no provision for savings, and will just borrow money if there's an emergency. I've entered labour room twice when we didn't have a dime, and we had to borrow money to offset medical bills, though I had repeatedly told him to keep some money aside for such situations.

25 Likes

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by Nobody: 3:49pm On Jul 18, 2015
Aude:
@op : My question to you is, how do you guys share the household bills?
I hope you are not one of those women who expect their husbands to foot all the bills, while they spend their money on themselves.


He uses my atm regularly and it's almost as though we operated a joint account. This has worked for us until recently.
I had to defer it last year due to financial constraints. So from the beginning of this year, I had already started making plans to pay.



Aude:
I'm asking because I find it strange that your husband is always short of money and you are always bailing him out.


He spends money as he sees it, and does not believe in saving for the rainy day. He is not frivolous, but will start projects he had earlier shelved due to lack of money as soon as he sees money. For e.g, He has been talking about hosting a big time baby
dedication, and the whole family travelling to the village next month for holiday, which are all capital intensive projects, when he knows he cannot fund it with his salary alone.



Next time, ready slowly. Read to understand.

Obviously, she helps. She has no issue with him spending her money(which also means she has no issue using her money for household bills.
She's trying to save for her masters.

This is the time for her hubby to be prudent.

11 Likes

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by FavorofGod: 3:54pm On Jul 18, 2015
Thanks for all ur contributions. I think I'd just open a savings account without his knowledge and do a monthly standing order. But he knows my monthly pay and would know if I started saving, so I intend to wait till I get promoted later this year and then save part of the differential in salary. But as for this month and next month salary, my stand remains the same, until I pay my school fees.

25 Likes 1 Share

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by Aude(f): 4:11pm On Jul 18, 2015
@Joavid: Nowhere in her post did she mention household bills. Doing a baby dedication isn't a regular household expense. That's why I asked the question. I didn't jump to conclusion but asked for more information. Use your own advice, read slowly, don't make assumptions, ask questions, and don't infer from a couple of sentences.

@op: thanks for the response. I can see you are a devoted wife. My advice will be for you to stand your ground. Your husband needs to learn how to stick to a budget. I don't encourage secrecy in a marriage. Tell your husband how you feel, he may be angry for a while but once he realizes that you will not budge, he will learn how to manage his finances. Sometimes tough love is the best remedy.










Next time, ready slowly. Read to understand.

Obviously, she helps. She has no issue with him spending her money(which also means she has no issue using her money for household bills.
She's trying to save for her masters.

This is the time for her hubby to be prudent.[/quote]

9 Likes 1 Share

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by GHoJes: 5:17pm On Jul 18, 2015
FavorofGod:
Thanks for all ur contributions. I think I'd just open a savings account without his knowledge and do a monthly standing order. But he knows my monthly pay and would know if I started saving, so I intend to wait till I get promoted later this year and then save part of the differential in salary. But as for this month and next month salary, my stand remains the same, until I pay my school fees.
Have you ever talked to him to let you be involued and possibly assist in the way he spend money since you know his type of person has hands that cant hold money? Even if yes, talk to him again this once, let him know you dont want to keep secret and that was why you still told him about it, but he is pushing you to keep secret. I say this because he might decide to start holding things from you, then blame you for starting it.

Since you already told him about the next two months, then its no secret again and he will definitely come to terms with your new stance with time thereby making it easy for you and open to him. Howbeit, if you are the type that melts if he comes with one sorry story needing money or you would prefare he borrow from you than others or you cant stand seeing him suffer because he borrowed then you need another account he cant access. Else he will use your soft spot against you and you might end up giving him your saved school fees.

Are you sure you that couldnt keep your mouth shut on the payment can keep shut about promotion? besides it can be messy if he finds out from another source. Again, waiting till promotion to decide on what to do can be dangerous.

If you are not able to continue standing your ground on the type of savings you want to start, after promotion, i suggest you make plans for standing order on a fix account he is aware that not even you can access until maturity and you should leave out details on the amount, maturity time etc. If he still decides to be unaiding after this, you can keep him in the oblivion. I'm stressing this so that you would not be blame for initiating secret keeping if your marriage is really an open one.

2 Likes

Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by b3llo(m): 5:59pm On Jul 18, 2015
Make it bold and crystal clear to him, to stop using your money. Atleast, you have a honourable course to pursue with the money saved.
Re: I Told My Hubby To Stop Using My Money.am I Wrong? by vague: 6:23pm On Jul 18, 2015
That man might take you all the way to bankrupcy. You guys need to sit down and talk about boundaries. Let your money for school or anything else important be left untouched.

If he reckelessly spends his, he will just have to manage himself until he gets his next pay check. Unless of cause you are will to give him.

Besides he is the head of the house and he should be more responsible otherwise you will have several problems in the future.

You might have to look for a professional who will advise you on how to spend and save your money. If you work with a plan he might start being a responsible man was supposed to be all along.

4 Likes

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