₦airaland Forum

obiaguna:
Is everything okay with you.?

x240:
I like to look at the Genesis of an issue.

WHEN they warn ladies to do it slowly and be frugal during weddings. They say na rubbish we dey talk. We all know that day is what most ladies look up to and want it to be the talk of the town but you also need to learn what happens during the lead up to that day may determine what would happen in the first few yeats of your marriage.

Which man won't go boning?

After putting him into debt. Remember those times he said you should reduce the guest list or go for a cheaper wedding gown and you turned it down. Or the times you never gave a damn about the cost of items and went for the most expensive. Now it is over and he is in deep shit.

I don't blame you but the results of the kind of debt we put new couples into because of an elaborate wedding and "let them know and see me" attitude only manifests when the curtains are drawn.


He has spent all his money on wedding and now can't pay for office rent just few months down the line. What would happen when the kids roll in?

Seriously, i don't know what you can do. Just pray the times change and turns more favorable or get busy and start bringing in some bucks to help lessen the pressure on him. He is also to blame, you know the status of your finances but caved into societal pressure now you are turning back the anger on her. Not good.

obiaguna:
Is everything okay with you.?

Eddygourdo:
You marriage is very young and being that you never had the fine tuning phase during courtship. You both are having it now. Too bad he is pulling away while you are pulling closer and it's frustrating you.

You need to do the reverse affection method, pull away in character too. I don't mean emotionally, but it's a game to get his attention. Whenever he smiles at you frown and be disinterested though give him Wat he wants. Ignore him alot and give him the cold shoulders without it being very obvious. Continue thus till you have his attention and he starts asking you Wat the problem is.

Even when he asks, tell him nothing. Give him more cold shoulders and hide ur cheerfulness. This character if it drives him nuts then it's proof he loves you and was going through a phase

Give him more cold shoulders till he gets angry at ur behaviour and flips out. It only then that you table his offences to you. Hopefully you both would have a heart to heart talk and he would open up to you on what u is killing him

This is a fine tuning phase and if handled properly will pass, making ur marriage stronger

Atlantian:
Seems you have a higher problem. Read my post again, cos you are the one putting sex in the context of love. You know basically nothing until you descend down the high walls of ignorance that you think is knowledge. De-learn and re-learn love AGAIN. Do not talk about Merriam Webster Dictionary AGAIN, I could be Merriam Webster, you never can tell when you are chatting with your lecturer online.

You talk so much about love as if love is totally sexual. Hell No, sex is just an attribute of love. Read about it. Within the context of the OP's marriage. The crisis is not about love, they make love

familyrocks:
Change too, just start Ignoring him totally, in fact just live as Co tenants. And from your write up it seems he is not doing well financially and your still young so please the second option is leaving that marriage before you get pregnant

Modified**** For those saying my advice is bad..you need your head examined, most women are not happy in their marriages but more than half of them at least have one reason to hold on to the marriage for example they could hold on for the kids or finances or for the way the man treats them well once in a while. But op has not even given one reason of what she is holding on to in that marriage apart from trying to change the behaviour of a man who is almost 40 for crying out loud and he is still struggling that he can't even afford to decently take care of his home financially or emotionally. You people want her to remain miserable,until she starts getting attention from outside and committing adultery then you people will be the same people to call her a prostitute.
That man is just irresponsible, At least men who are not financially strong make up for it by being extra loving..
Please op you are still too young to be so miserable,I repeat quit that marriage and get your life and happiness back. If you decide to stay back then suffer in silence cuz nobody can change the character of a 40 year old. Please forgive the **** word, I have no intention insulting your husband,but I believe you must have heard the saying before, it just makes you understand how impossible it is changing the character of a 40 year old man , A **** at 40 is a **** forever..

Tekevwe:
I got married to my husband a some months ago. Before we got married we dated for a while and my husband was the smiling type, though I noticed he bones a lot with his siblings.

Our courtship was great. He used to give me practically everything I wanted (affection and care) even before I asked. He showered me with so much love that I thought I was dreaming. I saw some other qualities in him and felt he would make a great husband.

The first week of our marriage, my husband changed, started boning round the house and withdrew into himself. His office rent was due that month so I felt that was cause and let him be. Several months down the line and things re d same or even worse. He gets home boning, eats and goes straight to bed. If I try gisting with him he answers in monosylables and you can see the disinterest on his face.

The only time he smiles at home is when he wants to be intimate. That's the only time he's soft with me now and the only time I feel connected to him. I asked him if I offended him in any way and he says no, that the pressure of providing for a new family is getting to him.

I didn't play hard to get cos I don't believe in such so I don't know why the change.

There are some other qualities I discovered in him that I never saw while we were dating. I jokingly told him he has changed and that day he smiled and said he had to give me all I wanted cos he didn't want to lose me since I'm a pretty girl. Now that we re married its like he can't be bothered with trying anymore.

Also deep down I don't tink he loves me and feel he just married me cos he isn't so young anymore (almost 40) and he's parents were mounting pressure on him. He's snappy with me now which never used to happen.

He also has a wall built around him that I can't seem to penetrate. I feel so depressed each time I'm home, being married to a man I feel no connection to.

I don't know if this is what marriage entails. If it is, then please, married folks should hint me so I can adjust my mindset to this new change.

Also, what can I do to break through and get through to him?

familyrocks:
Change too, just start Ignoring him totally, in fact just live as Co tenants. And from your write up it seems he is not doing well financially and your still young so please the second option is leaving that marriage before you get pregnant

Modified**** For those saying my advice is bad..you need your head examined, most women are not happy in their marriages but more than half of them at least have one reason to hold on to the marriage for example they could hold on for the kids or finances or for the way the man treats them well once in a while. But op has not even given one reason of what she is holding on to in that marriage apart from trying to change the behaviour of a man who is almost 40 for crying out loud and he is still struggling that he can't even afford to decently take care of his home financially or emotionally. You people want her to remain miserable,until she starts getting attention from outside and committing adultery then you people will be the same people to call her a prostitute.
That man is just irresponsible, At least men who are not financially strong make up for it by being extra loving..
Please op you are still too young to be so miserable,I repeat quit that marriage and get your life and happiness back. If you decide to stay back then suffer in silence cuz nobody can change the character of a 40 year old. Please forgive the **** word, I have no intention insulting your husband,but I believe you must have heard the saying before, it just makes you understand how impossible it is changing the character of a 40 year old man , A **** at 40 is a **** forever..

x240:
You must have been reading my text upside down.

I blamed everyone proportionately. I never spared anyone. I like to be a realist and talk based on facts and not just emotions or feelings.

I guess you skimmed through where she said she started seeing the obvious signs when he was having troubles settling his office rent. I am not in their family and can only judge based on little snippets of info you can gleam.
What does it connote for a man to not be able to pay his office rent just few months after his wedding?


You make it seem like it is a black and white issue. How many times has a man tried talking to the lady to listen and reduce the cost of wedding expenses but they turn it too a case of he is too stingy.

How many of you ladies here would agree to budget wedding?

How many would agree to a small wedding with just minute friends and families around?

How many times have ladies of guys not loving them enough because he doesnt want to spend on a frivolous wedding?

The guy is to blame for over spending his balance but its not that easy to just pull out of such when you have expended emotions, time and resources nurturing such a relationship only to just breakaway.

So run along if you can't constructively disagree with my post. Thanks.

@op This might not be the case in your example but you need to sit him down and talk about finding a way around whatever challenges he is facing. The way i see it. There seems to be fire on the mountain and all his lovely wife wants to do is "Gist about what is not". No wonder he pulls away and thinks "You don't just get it".

Acidosis:
ahahaha, please refer to my initial post and learn to read properly. I said LOVE is all that matters in any relationship/marriage.

In your perpetual ignorance, you fine tuned the word love into love-making (sex).

Until you know what love entails, stop quoting me. People marry basically for two major reasons which I earlier stated as:

1. Love
2. Stability

Read your comment below:

What's this? Who's talking about "making-love"? Do you even know "love-making" can be done with cucumber?

I never mentioned the word sex until you raised the above "love-making jabs". I talked so much about LOVE, not sex. It is not my fault that you don't know what LOVE entails please. Go back to Merriam Webster, oga Lecturer.

I'm not your student (and I will never be), so leave the self - gratification to your classroom pupils.

kenonze:
Your comment is what we ladies shouldn't ignor.
Are u sure you are not the said husband

x240:
You must have been reading my text upside down.

I blamed everyone proportionately. I never spared anyone. I like to be a realist and talk based on facts and not just emotions or feelings.

I guess you skimmed through where she said she started seeing the obvious signs when he was having troubles settling his office rent. I am not in their family and can only judge based on little snippets of info you can gleam.
What does it connote for a man to not be able to pay his office rent just few months after his wedding?


You make it seem like it is a black and white issue. How many times has a man tried talking to the lady to listen and reduce the cost of wedding expenses but they turn it too a case of he is too stingy.

How many of you ladies here would agree to budget wedding?

How many would agree to a small wedding with just minute friends and families around?

How many times have ladies of guys not loving them enough because he doesnt want to spend on a frivolous wedding?

The guy is to blame for over spending his balance but its not that easy to just pull out of such when you have expended emotions, time and resources nurturing such a relationship only to just breakaway.

So run along if you can't constructively disagree with my post. Thanks.

@op This might not be the case in your example but you need to sit him down and talk about finding a way around whatever challenges he is facing. The way i see it. There seems to be fire on the mountain and all his lovely wife wants to do is "Gist about what is not". No wonder he pulls away and thinks "You don't just get it".

profolaolu:
That is what I tell most ladies U drain ur fiancee financially n emotionally when U r dating,he tries to please U in all tin at his own peril,most guys r static dey tend to av limit of affection n passion,guys get bored easily,ladies let ur marriage work frm ur relationship,d outcome of ur marriage is determine by ur relationship,guy can forgive but cant forget,dey r retribution carriers.


To the poster,make ur man happy,try every means to always seduce him,try those tins dat he can do without during courtship,b humble n b pitiful,make him like god,b submissive to d extend dat if U want to drink water U should tell him,treat him like he owns ur life

Oga or Madam, he wasn't pretending as the OP insinuated, he was actually being truly cheerful coz he had no financial issues then until after the wedding.

x240:
I like to look at the Genesis of an issue.

WHEN they warn ladies to do it slowly and be frugal during weddings. They say na rubbish we dey talk. We all know that day is what most ladies look up to and want it to be the talk of the town but you also need to learn what happens during the lead up to that day may determine what would happen in the first few yeats of your marriage.

Which man won't go boning?

After putting him into debt. Remember those times he said you should reduce the guest list or go for a cheaper wedding gown and you turned it down. Or the times you never gave a damn about the cost of items and went for the most expensive. Now it is over and he is in deep shit.

I don't blame you but the results of the kind of debt we put new couples into because of an elaborate wedding and "let them know and see me" attitude only manifests when the curtains are drawn.


He has spent all his money on wedding and now can't pay for office rent just few months down the line. What would happen when the kids roll in?

Seriously, i don't know what you can do. Just pray the times change and turns more favorable or get busy and start bringing in some bucks to help lessen the pressure on him. He is also to blame, you know the status of your finances but caved into societal pressure now you are turning back the anger on her. Not good.

Tekevwe:
I got married to my husband a some months ago. Before we got married we dated for a while and my husband was the smiling type, though I noticed he bones a lot with his siblings.

Our courtship was great. He used to give me practically everything I wanted (affection and care) even before I asked. He showered me with so much love that I thought I was dreaming. I saw some other qualities in him and felt he would make a great husband.

The first week of our marriage, my husband changed, started boning round the house and withdrew into himself. His office rent was due that month so I felt that was cause and let him be. Several months down the line and things re d same or even worse. He gets home boning, eats and goes straight to bed. If I try gisting with him he answers in monosylables and you can see the disinterest on his face.

The only time he smiles at home is when he wants to be intimate. That's the only time he's soft with me now and the only time I feel connected to him. I asked him if I offended him in any way and he says no, that the pressure of providing for a new family is getting to him.

I didn't play hard to get cos I don't believe in such so I don't know why the change.

There are some other qualities I discovered in him that I never saw while we were dating. I jokingly told him he has changed and that day he smiled and said he had to give me all I wanted cos he didn't want to lose me since I'm a pretty girl. Now that we re married its like he can't be bothered with trying anymore.

Also deep down I don't tink he loves me and feel he just married me cos he isn't so young anymore (almost 40) and he's parents were mounting pressure on him. He's snappy with me now which never used to happen.

He also has a wall built around him that I can't seem to penetrate. I feel so depressed each time I'm home, being married to a man I feel no connection to.

I don't know if this is what marriage entails. If it is, then please, married folks should hint me so I can adjust my mindset to this new change.

Also, what can I do to break through and get through to him?

Eddygourdo:
You marriage is very young and being that you never had the fine tuning phase during courtship. You both are having it now. Too bad he is pulling away while you are pulling closer and it's frustrating you.

You need to do the reverse affection method, pull away in character too. I don't mean emotionally, but it's a game to get his attention. Whenever he smiles at you frown and be disinterested though give him Wat he wants. Ignore him alot and give him the cold shoulders without it being very obvious. Continue thus till you have his attention and he starts asking you Wat the problem is.

Even when he asks, tell him nothing. Give him more cold shoulders and hide ur cheerfulness. This character if it drives him nuts then it's proof he loves you and was going through a phase

Give him more cold shoulders till he gets angry at ur behaviour and flips out. It only then that you table his offences to you. Hopefully you both would have a heart to heart talk and he would open up to you on what u is killing him

This is a fine tuning phase and if handled properly will pass, making ur marriage stronger

Cutehector:
Madam gv ur husband space.. forget the being lonely part. U want him healed ryt? Den let him be..

If u are lonely, dis ls the moment u engage in other activities.. wen he has calmed down, he'l just get bak to u.

josite:
how can she be lonely again after marriage?.BUT she married cus she doesnt want to be alone and she doesnt like being alone.

Tekevwe:
@ Elvina

Yes he's spiritual. That's one quality that attracted me to him.